Today, I was at Disneyland with some of my friends. While eating... - FML

By FailureAtLife121 - United States

Today, I was at Disneyland with some of my friends. While eating lunch, we watched a small child get frightened by the person dressed as Mickey Mouse. We all burst out laughing only to be jumped by Chip and Dale. Apparently I scream louder than the little kid. FML

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Understandable

Season finale

Messed up

By what have i done with my life - United States - Akron

Today, I jokingly told my friend that when a tree seems to sway in the wind, it's really just having an orgasm. Not only did she believe me, she's been smugly informing everyone we know. She's 26. I seem to be friends with an absolute idiot. FML

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By f u doc - 30/9/2020 17:01 - United States

Time's up

Today, I had two different doctor's appointments with different specialists at the same hospital. Doctor #1 kept me waiting so long doctor #2 refused to see me. I tried to explain I was in the building and why I was late, but he wouldn’t hear it. I’d already waited 4 months for these appointments. FML

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By losthusband - 11/10/2020 20:01 - United States

Hello from the other side

Today, my pregnant wife and I got separated while out shopping. She ended up having meltdown and crying so hard the manager had to call me over the PA. FML

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By great idea - Canada - Calgary

Today, my social teacher thought it would be a great idea to have a casual debate about Margaret Thatcher and her legacy. Within 10 minutes, the entire class was yelling, screaming, throwing stuff at each other. I got hit in the face with a binder. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 23:01

Rock n Roll is a dirty business

Today, I was in a band with some friends and we got our first gig at a local festival, but I'd already agreed to work serving drinks at the festival. My bandmates got really annoyed and kicked me out of the band. They then went ahead and performed the song that I WROTE, without me, at the festival where i was working. FML

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By motherless - Australia - Sydney

Today, my mother "checked in" to rehab on Facebook. The same rehab that told her to hand over her smartphone. The dumbass was smart enough to steal my phone and dumb enough to get it confiscated. FML

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By Katyness - United Kingdom

Today, the canteen of the company I work for introduced a cash-less payment method to purchase food. To use it, employees must download the app, which is only available for iPhones. I have a BlackBerry. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I realized that the redneck, hick, abusive family that my co-workers always joke about is my family. FML

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By bitchyhiccups - United States - Tempe

Today, I got a horrible case of the hiccups while at my friend's mother's funeral, resulting in me squeaking loudly every five seconds during the eulogy. My friend glared daggers at me until I left the room, then later accused me of being an insensitive bitch for "trying to ruin the funeral." FML

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By nipman - United States

Today, my grandpa who is staying with us mistook me for a Japanese soldier and started to hit me with a bat. This is the second night in a row. FML

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By snow - Australia

Today, I found my biological father, who I have never met, on facebook and decided to message him. He blocked me. FML

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By adults acting like children - United States - Danvers

Today, it's been almost two weeks since any of my relatives have talked to me. They are still mad because I didn't go on a Labor Day trip with them and I've found out why. Apparently, they had plans for me to babysit my younger cousins any time they wanted to do something fun. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Herndon

Today, I found a hornet's nest in the backyard, so I called my brother over to take a look. He said "Hmm, wonder how fast you can run." then hurled a rock at the nest and sprinted back to the house. I wasn't so fast. I now feel like someone's beaten me half to death with a cactus. FML

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By violatedbuttcrack - Australia - Sydney

Today, while on an escalator, instead of just telling me my underwear label was hanging out of my jeans, a woman behind me decided to tuck the label in herself. You should never have to feel a stranger's finger on your butt crack. FML

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By hatestomove - United States

Today, I fell down the stairs carrying a huge TV. Don't worry, my body cushioned the TV's fall. FML

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By no - United States - New York

Today, my cat jumped out a fourth-story window when I went to pet her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom went snooping through my art bin to "clean out my old drawings". She found numerous nude pieces and accused me of selling porn. My mom mistook and threw out 57 anatomy practice sketches that I worked very very hard on, and ripped up the remainder of my drawings. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, for the first time in my life, my dad said he was proud of me. It meant a lot to me, and I started tearing up. Noticing my emotion, he looked at me pityingly, said "Aaaaand it's gone." and walked out of the room. FML

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By maggie2014 - United States - Lufkin

Today, I fell asleep listening to my music and tanning at the beach. Not only did I wake up with a sunburn, but my iPhone had been stolen. FML

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By Anonymous

Smelly Thrones

Today, I hate this time of year, not only because everything is pumpkin spice, but because of Bath and Body work sales. I work in an office full of women, and when Bath and Body has a sale, it's Game Of Smell Thrones in the office. My allergies then act up, and I handle the office phones. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I checked my son's browser history, as he's been acting strangely around his computer recently. I found several bizarre Google searches, including but not limited to: "unicorn dick-farts", "sharting kittens", and "can you get AIDS from Asians?" What the fuck is wrong with him? FML

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By JPF - Australia

Today, I found out that I was adopted, now my gay brother thinks it's acceptable to tell me that he's always wanted to have sex with me. FML

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By videochat - United States

Today, I cancelled out of a video chat with my boyfriend to go take a dump. I took my computer with me to look at Facebook. It took three minutes for me to realize I was still on video chat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then paused and asked me, "what do I do now?" FML

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By aherdofpigs - United States

Today, I'm trapped in my apartment. My new cat won't let me leave. Every time I try, he blocks the door, hisses and tries to savage me. I'm my own cat's bitch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after complaining that I had nothing to write about in my weekly journal for college, my professor suggested in front of everyone that I should get a girlfriend. FML

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By Impressionist - United Kingdom

Today, I made quite an impression on my new bin men by forgetting to put the bin out 'til the last minute. I'm sure they enjoyed a good laugh at the woman in shorts, tank top and slippers struggling with a brolly as she slipped and slid while dragging her bin up a hill in a downpour. FML

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By Maryann

'Murica

Today, I told my dad I started taking jiu-jitsu lessons. He responded by laughing and saying, "Martial arts are for pussies, you should just get a gun." FML

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By f*ck - Australia - Reynella

Today, I saw my boss heading my way at work. He has a "no food in the office" policy, so I quickly scarfed down my pop-tart. I ended up choking on it so hard that I threw up. FML

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By tannerrosetx_1 - United States - Irving

Today, I was pickpocketed. I didn't realize until I stopped to get breakfast. I went back home to see that my dog had taken my wallet and had ripped and torn it up. I was pickpocketed by my own dog. FML

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By bdiddy - United States

Today, I moved in with my brother to save on a swanky apartment. I was skeptical as to how this would work out as we fought a lot as kids. Our first big fight? Whether or not to keep his dorm-style futon complete with Return of the Jedi sheets. He's a 35-yr old physician; I'm a 28-yr old lawyer. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Stuttgart

Today, after taking my crush to the train station late at night, I sat in a local park alone with my thoughts for a while. Two cops appeared out of nowhere and started searching me for drugs and weapons, asking me questions for a good 30 minutes. Not the kind of action I expected tonight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss announced that instead of holiday bonuses being on the cards, the company is going under and we'll all be out of a job next year. FML

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By HoShiz - Canada

Today, I drove 3 hours to go to an award ceremony. When I got there, I had to wait an hour for the hall to open, then sat listening to speeches for two hours, got my "award", and drove 3 hours home. The award was a small pin that I already had. FML

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By K-9cop - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me because I hadn't popped the question to her yet. For the last six months, I have been respectfully trying to convince her over protective father to give me his blessing. FML

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By andjusticeforall - United States

Today, I ran over a beer bottle which popped my car tire, which then caused me to swerve into a police cruiser. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my grandparents are in town for the weekend and are staying in our guest bedroom. This morning I went upstairs to get a drink of water only to see my 75 year old grandfather standing stark naked with the fridge door open. He then asks me if we have any coffee creamer. FML

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By Emptyspace - United States

Today, I found my long lost diary and curiously read it. What's worse than finding out that your mother read your diary? Finding out that your mother wrote comments in it. FML

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By Katie - United States - Homewood

Today, I received frantic calls and messages from my husband wondering where I was and if I was cheating on him. I was in the same house as him. FML

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By vsf - United States

Today, my parents wouldn't let me go to the fair because they reckon my IQ is so low, I could quite possibly choke on cotton candy and pass out confused by the hall of mirrors. FML

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Top comments

By Anderling | 12

#345868 - Saturday 27 June 2009 12:21

One word.
Karma...

By elliebutton | 0

#345887 - Saturday 27 June 2009 12:26

LOL.

How old are you? I bet the Chip and Dale highfived each other after.

COMMENTS

By cardboardtastes | 0

#345863 - Saturday 27 June 2009 12:20

sucks.

Reply

Cambo9000 | 0

#836319 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 2:18

ccccchip and Dale rescue rangers

Reply

metal8214 | 0

#1560220 - Sunday 17 October 2010 10:03

rape anyone??

By Anderling | 12

#345868 - Saturday 27 June 2009 12:21

One word.
Karma...

By elliebutton | 0

#345887 - Saturday 27 June 2009 12:26

LOL.

How old are you? I bet the Chip and Dale highfived each other after.

Reply

ElmoSP3 | 14

#6434055 - Tuesday 13 October 2015 2:46

Or sucked each other off...

By redbluegreen | 40

#345895 - Saturday 27 June 2009 12:29

And who cares? Anyways, you were shocked because they came up behind you. Not because there was somebody in a suit.

By Shock98 | 0

#345899 - Saturday 27 June 2009 12:31

OMG! your life is so f'cked now!! I bet you'll see all those people again too!
/sarcasm.
seriously, who cares?

By daria8688 | 0

#345904 - Saturday 27 June 2009 12:34

I'm so tired of people posting fmls that say this kinda bull. who gives a shit? so the fuck what!!

By amatayo | 0

#345906 - Saturday 27 June 2009 12:35

chip and Dale hmmm I have nothing to add.

By itsgen | 16

#345974 - Saturday 27 June 2009 13:11

haha ur scared of costumes
yeaa and i agree with 6

By newnew008 | 3

#346015 - Saturday 27 June 2009 13:41

i very tired of hearin all these "i scream louder than a kid" stuff i swear thers so many of these FML's

By Travestie616 | 0

#346031 - Saturday 27 June 2009 13:59

Wtf are the characters "jumping" people for anyway? Going to give the poor children nightmares, they are.. how creepy o_O I'd probably scream too if two giant chipmunks with ridiculous expressions accosted me at Disneyland. *shivers*

Reply

humorizer | 14

#347272 - Saturday 27 June 2009 22:08

Doesn't accost mean to engage in a fight or at least kick someone out? Or am I just mixing it up with "escort?" for the kicking out definition?

Reply

Link5794 | 16

#2398240 - Sunday 24 April 2011 16:18

Did 10 turn into Yoda in the second sentence?