Miscellaneous: Today, I was at Disneyland with some of my friends. While eating... - FML

By FailureAtLife121 - United States

Today, I was at Disneyland with some of my friends. While eating lunch, we watched a small child get frightened by the person dressed as Mickey Mouse. We all burst out laughing only to be jumped by Chip and Dale. Apparently I scream louder than the little kid. FML

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Serious times

Non-baby fever

Sister of the year

By alice - United Kingdom

Today, on the bus, water kept dripping on my head so I stood up to move. As I got up, the bus turned round a corner and I fell over into a man's lap. When I tried to get up, I slipped down between his legs. FML

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By FOXYgrandpa441 - United States - Casper

Today, I was getting lunch at a fast food restaurant. My boss was in front of me, and in order to get on his good side I offered to pay. Instead, I got fired because I guess my boss assumed I was making fun of his salary, which I knew nothing about. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2021 20:01

Do me a solid

Today, and for the last six months, I've been on a medication that greatly improves the main symptoms of my chronic illness. Too bad it also gives me chronic diarrhea. I feel much better and can function better than I have since my teens, but I haven't taken a solid dump in half a year. FML

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By Smitty Werbenjeagermanjensen - United States - Amarillo

Today, I had a conversation with the cute girl I like at work for the first time. I told her I worked in the camping department of the store, and we had a long chat about how she heard that the guy who runs that department is a complete dick head. I am the guy who runs that department. FML

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By Ouch

Great balls of fire

Today, my hand is covered in blisters because my boyfriend thought it would be fun to set an old insurance card on fire. Out of panic, he slapped the card against the wall in a failed attempt to put it out. Also out of panic, I slapped the flaming wall with my bare hands. FML

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By ugly - United States

Today, I attended my 10-year high school reunion. My ex-husband's new wife showed up in the same dress as mine. I guess both the dress and my ex-husband look better on her. FML

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By owew

Today, I don't know anyone in the city where I just moved. I felt really lonely so I picked up my cat to try and cuddle with her. She freaked out and ripped my face apart. She ran then away to go play with the cats outside. Even my cat has more friends than me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2020 14:00

Sharing is caring

Today, nine months after changing my entire life when my father had a stroke and I became his carer full time, I called my sister to talk about some his irrational behavior. All I got in response was, "I just watched a sad movie, I can't deal with this right now." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2020 02:03

Explain that one

Today, I was eating dinner with my husband and his family. My father-in-law says to my mother-in-law, "You know what’s in your mouth? Sausage!" It was so random that I laughed, as quietly as I could. My husband then loudly asked me what was so funny. Everyone went quiet and looked at me. FML

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By monochrometea - United States

Today, the only thing my downstairs neighbor wanted to talk about with me is how she can hear us go to the bathroom. She also claims that she can tell which one of us is going, based on the noise level. FML

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By wtf - United States

Backhanded

Today, my girlfriend told me that if my penis was on any other body it would be considered small, but on me it's "cute." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, I overheard a "friend" talking about me and my recently deceased dog. He said: "Only time I've seen someone get that upset over someone dying, they were fucking each other. Just sayin'." FML

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By fuckedover - United States

Today, a guy I went on one date with asked me out again via text. Being honest, I texted back, politely saying that he was a good guy but I wasn't really interested. He came over to my house, screaming about how awful I was for "text message breaking up with him" and then cracked my windshield. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered everyone at work refers to me as 'The Man-Lady'. I work in a supermarket's beauty department. FML

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By newmoongirl1036 - United States - Chicago

Today, I went on a date with a guy that I really like. At the last minute he informed me a friend would be tagging along. To keep his friend from being a third-wheel, I kept up a conversation, and managed to piss my date off. He thought I would be a better match for his friend. FML

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By Anon - Australia

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I found out he was seeing someone behind my back: my ex-boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I asked my daughter to buy me two pints of milk. Apparently, the shop only had four-pints, so she got that and poured half down the drain. FML

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By no name

Today, I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. I felt something get caught in my throat so I coughed and spluttered a bit. When I turned on the lights I discovered I'd coughed up a cockroach. FML

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By anon - United States - La Puente

Awkward conversation

Today, I had to have a very difficult and awkward conversation with my best friend about her fiancé hitting on me. She seemed completely unfazed and ended up admitting that a three-way with me was actually her idea, but she didn't want to "weird me out" by asking me about it. FML

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By wait..what - United States

Today, I was in class just taking notes and minding my own business. The teacher has already called my parents twice complaining about me. As we are taking 3 pages of notes she grabs mine and rips them up, saying that she is sick and tired of me drawing. I was drawing the graphs on the board. FML

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By tehaustiebear - United States - San Diego

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house to play Twister. Her parents watched us the whole time, making sure we didn't touch. FML

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By help meeeee - 14/3/2021 17:01

Abalaschabalamanama

Today, and ever since we watched a documentary about televangelists scamming people, my boyfriend randomly imitates them speaking "in tongues" because he knows it freaks me out. He's really good at it as well. FML

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By scarred4life - Canada

Today, my mom gave me and my brothers each a cd of her recent photoshoot for her book. I found out later that my mom didn't know how to burn only SOME of the photos on the CD, and ended up burning all of the photos onto the CD. Some of the photos were provocative. FML

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By The fuck, junior? - Canada - Gatineau

Today, I walked in on my 14-year-old son apparently practicing his oral sex skills on the crotch of one of his sister's Barbie dolls. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my dad took me to a bar for my first legal drink. He quickly got "drunk" and started slurring that I was an accident, saying the only reason I'm alive is because he'd been too poor to pay for an abortion. As I started crying, he burst out laughing and said soberly, "Just kidding, son." FML

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By pimpdaddyX - Malaysia - Shah Alam

Today, trying to be smooth, I slipped the girl I like a piece of paper with my phone number written on it. A while later, she slipped it back to me and left the room. FML

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By Matthew - United States - Largo

Today, after working at my summer job for 3 weeks, I was informed that I was too young to work there. I had contacted them 3 months prior and had given them my birthdate multiple times. I had also attended a special training in their corporate HQ, which I drove 7 hours both ways to get to. FML

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By diamondsareforever - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. On our way to the Space Needle I was pulled over and promptly arrested. Apparently, I had recently purchased a car from a man who had robbed a jewelery store. The ring is now evidence. FML

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By Nicole - United States

Today, while in Walmart, I noticed an old man who had been following me for about five minutes. I politely pulled over with my cart and smiled at him so he could pass. He then said with a creepy smile, "So it's your turn to stare at my butt now?" It's the most attention I've gotten in weeks. FML

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By Stiffed - Australia - Warrnambool

Today, my old boss stiffed me on a large sum of money he owes me. I tried to contact him and point out that he legally owes me the money, but he won't answer his texts or his phone, and the managers say he changes the subject whenever they bring it up. FML

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By Never Going Back To The Doctor - United States

Today, at the doctor's, I had lots of papers to fill out so my boyfriend offered to help. We submitted them and the doctor called me a few minutes later. Under disorders my boyfriend had written, "Major cock craving disorder." The doctor couldn't stop giggling. FML

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By FML - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I took my boyfriend to dinner to meet my parents. He agreed to be on his best behavior, but when my mom told us about some shady stuff going on at her job, he replied that it sounded "fishier than Justin Bieber's cunt." We were quickly kicked out. FML

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By problems - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I have to make a decision. I either drive my dad around during the day so he can drink, or I let him drink and drive so I can focus on studying for my exams. FML

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By kattydoo07 - United States

Catch 22

Today, I found out I have a restraining order against me from my ex boyfriend. Apparently, I drive by his house too much and it is considered stalking. He forgot that I live 2 houses down, and MUST drive by his house to get home. FML

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By gotta euthanize em all - Canada

Today, while at work, I had to spend an hour and a half on the phone, listening to an old lady relive her entire day in excruciating detail. We're not allowed to hang up on customers, and she was extremely quick to dismiss all my attempts to steer the call back on topic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Big Pine Key

Today, for the fifth day in a row, I have awoken at 6am to the sounds of my roommate's guest's child screaming. If it's anything like the last four days, the child will continue to randomly screech every fifteen minutes or so for the next five hours. I work 13-hour night shifts. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my lazy, obese mother took the last motor cart at the grocery store. My leg is in a cast. She told me to "use the shopping cart to help with the limp" as she rolled away. FML

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By jobless and broke - United States - Mesa

Today, I got fired from my new job on my first day. Why? Because I'm 19 and company policy says you have to be 21. But they can't ask how old you are. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend drove me home. I mentioned how I had recently started my period and he freaked out, saying I would "leak" through my tampon onto his seat. He made me sit on towels all the way home. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I found out that while getting your hair cut, you should say 'yes' or 'no', instead of nodding your head. FML

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Top comments

By Anderling | 12

#345868 - Saturday 27 June 2009 12:21

One word.
Karma...

By elliebutton | 0

#345887 - Saturday 27 June 2009 12:26

LOL.

How old are you? I bet the Chip and Dale highfived each other after.

COMMENTS

By cardboardtastes | 0

#345863 - Saturday 27 June 2009 12:20

sucks.

Reply

Cambo9000 | 0

#836319 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 2:18

ccccchip and Dale rescue rangers

Reply

metal8214 | 0

#1560220 - Sunday 17 October 2010 10:03

rape anyone??

By Anderling | 12

#345868 - Saturday 27 June 2009 12:21

One word.
Karma...

By elliebutton | 0

#345887 - Saturday 27 June 2009 12:26

LOL.

How old are you? I bet the Chip and Dale highfived each other after.

Reply

ElmoSP3 | 14

#6434055 - Tuesday 13 October 2015 2:46

Or sucked each other off...

By redbluegreen | 40

#345895 - Saturday 27 June 2009 12:29

And who cares? Anyways, you were shocked because they came up behind you. Not because there was somebody in a suit.

By Shock98 | 0

#345899 - Saturday 27 June 2009 12:31

OMG! your life is so f'cked now!! I bet you'll see all those people again too!
/sarcasm.
seriously, who cares?

By daria8688 | 0

#345904 - Saturday 27 June 2009 12:34

I'm so tired of people posting fmls that say this kinda bull. who gives a shit? so the fuck what!!

By amatayo | 0

#345906 - Saturday 27 June 2009 12:35

chip and Dale hmmm I have nothing to add.

By itsgen | 16

#345974 - Saturday 27 June 2009 13:11

haha ur scared of costumes
yeaa and i agree with 6

By newnew008 | 3

#346015 - Saturday 27 June 2009 13:41

i very tired of hearin all these "i scream louder than a kid" stuff i swear thers so many of these FML's

By Travestie616 | 0

#346031 - Saturday 27 June 2009 13:59

Wtf are the characters "jumping" people for anyway? Going to give the poor children nightmares, they are.. how creepy o_O I'd probably scream too if two giant chipmunks with ridiculous expressions accosted me at Disneyland. *shivers*

Reply

humorizer | 14

#347272 - Saturday 27 June 2009 22:08

Doesn't accost mean to engage in a fight or at least kick someone out? Or am I just mixing it up with "escort?" for the kicking out definition?

Reply

Link5794 | 18

#2398240 - Sunday 24 April 2011 16:18

Did 10 turn into Yoda in the second sentence?