Transportation: Today, I was on a train when we hit and killed a person. We were...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a train when we hit and killed a person. We were stalled for 4 hours. The guy sitting next to me asked what I did for a living, so I told him that I'm a vet tech. Then he showed me his infected elbow. FML

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Transportation

Vulture

BO Central

Chemical warfare

By ferret702 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, in the current company I'm employed by, I have a better chance at gambling my way to the top, as opposed to working my way up. FML

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By exiebestie - Australia - Perth

Today, my ex-best friend, who I haven't spoken to in a year because of how obsessive she got, posted a picture of herself with dyed brown hair and glasses. We look like twins. Even I thought it was me. Some people are commenting that I look beautiful. School starts tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I had to finally come to terms with the fact that I am obese when the doctor told me that my weird smell was not an infection but mold growing between my fat rolls. FML

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By MedHistory - Canada - Laval

Today, I decided to give a break to my students halfway through my 3 hour lecture. The break became the end of the lecture, because nobody came back. FML

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By CarrieRedburn - United States

Today, I was walking my dog, and a whole bunch of teenagers were driving around my neighborhood throwing water balloons at people. They followed me for 3 blocks. FML

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By dancerr2210 - United States

Today, after making out with my boyfriend for the first time, it took me an hour to convince him he was still a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I bought an electric toothbrush because they're supposed to be a lot healthier than regular ones. My crazy religious mom immediately called me a whore and said she knew what I really wanted to use it for. So that's $80 in the trash. FML

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By Kas - 25/11/2020 11:02

Smelly cat, smelly cat…

Today, my cat decided the perfect place to throw up was on herself. Cleaning a smelly old cat with a showerhead is trouble enough, but when she tried to escape, it resulted in the bathroom being turned into one big puddle. FML

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By Dude - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to school after missing the first 2 weeks of the new school year. I got grilled in my first lesson by my teacher for "gallivanting around on holiday in some sunny place" when I should've been at school learning. My dad had died from liver cancer. FML

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By sarahc_c

Today, my boss commented on the fact that I don't usually wear makeup, then told me it would be much appreciated if I'd change that. FML

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By Fffhjno - United States - Providence

Today, I saw my two-year-old son trying to floss his teeth. He was using an earthworm. FML

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By Cannot Unknow

Today, my wife and I drove to the other side of the country to attend a swinger party where we thought no one knew us. So did my parents. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized the only reason my boyfriend is dating me is because he has a pimple fetish. FML

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By Anonymous

DINOSAURS!!

Today, I tried to cook an extra healthy, vegetable filled meal for my boyfriend and I. Not only did we notice the vegetables were off a little too late, but he also found my hair in his bowl. We had to settle for turkey dinosaurs and spaghetti loops instead. FML

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By Anon - Canada - Calgary

Today, at 8:00am, I walked into the kitchen and stubbed my toe. That's quite a normal occurrence, but this time, I stubbed it on my drunk, passed out, 53-year-old father's forehead. He's mad at me now and has cancelled my allowance. I'm 23. FML

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By BoobiePain - Canada - Saint John

Today, I got stitches in my breast. I never knew how much they jiggled until every bump on the road made my breast feel like it was on fire. FML

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By Thai that on for size - New Zealand - Silverdale

Today, a guy kept flirting with me despite all my hints for him to kindly fuck off and die, so I lied and said I'm a lesbian. This didn't stop him. It got so bad, I had to claim I was born with a dick and say that's why I like girls. Only then did he say "Eeewww..." and back off. FML

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By helpme - United States - Brockton

Today, I got a new chair at work. After spending 3 hours putting it together, I was called into my boss's office and let go. FML

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By holymoly - Canada - Calgary

Today, my grandparents took me out for dinner for my birthday. After singing, "Happy birthday dear..." they froze. I had to say my own name because they'd forgotten it. FML

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By Garcia2284

Today, I asked a customer three times before he saw the doctor if he had any medical insurance and he replied "no" each time. Paying his bill out of pocket, this dude had the nerve to ask, "So why didn't my medical insurance cover this?" He had coverage. FML

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By rozsrredd - United States - Lancaster

Today, my husband told me he was going to search from store to store in order to find my birthday gift. What was he really doing? His girlfriend. FML

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By rita

Today, my 10-year-old daughter hid in her closet all day and did not come out. The reason? She didn't want to eat my pot roast. I didn't realize my cooking was that bad. FML

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By adventurousnightsbutnotinagoodway - Netherlands - Leiden

Today, it was safe to say I started sleepwalking again, after I woke up with a mouth filled with soil and a ravaged plant. FML

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By KTBeck - 26/5/2020 14:00

Three is the magic number

Today, my husband returned from a hiking trip. We had "I missed you" sex and after we were done, he told me about all the ticks he had while on the trail. He then went to shower and while washing, he found a tick latched to his penis. I technically had a three way. FML

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By kvdfan - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to see me after almost a month of us not spending time together. Unfortunately, he came straight from bar-hopping with his friends and was wasted. He's currently naked in bed, cooing at his penis, and giggling like a little girl. FML

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By dumbass724 - Canada - Brampton

First day at work

Today, it was my first day of work, and I was wondering why everyone was staring and laughing at me. I looked down and I realized that the fly on my jeans was open. FML

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By blueballs - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, in the middle of what had to be the most amazing blowjob I've ever had in my life, my girlfriend had a mental breakdown and began weeping on top of my cock. FML

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By The_failure

Today, I found myself sitting in the bathroom at work searching the internet for the alcohol and caloric content of cool mint Listerine. I now believe that I may have a problem. FML

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By negin

Today, my neighbors got a rooster. FML

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By Anonymous

This ain't gonna end well

Today, my partner of 5 years and I sat down to talk because I expressed hope for a proposal in near future. He instead believed that we should wait, and talk about a potential future for us in another two years. FML

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By GuessImWalking

Today, I found out I will be without a car for two weeks because my mother volunteered to let my grandparents use mine while theirs is being repaired. They've been in 4 accidents over the last year. FML

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By TubaAssassin

Today, I came home to find that my roommate had picked my lock and stolen my new laptop. When I tried to take it back, he called the police. They sided with him since he had also taken the receipt, which was "proof" that it was his. FML

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By Smokey

Today, I found out that my neighbours are mad at me because I smoke. I don't smoke on the balcony, I walk away from the apartment complex so that they won't be affected by my bad habit. They're still mad at me because they can still see me. Didn't know that you could smell with your eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while setting up for a party I was having, I put black lights into our bathroom for the cool bright, neon color you get when you pee. When I turn them on to see where I need to continue cleaning, I see many, small, yellow hand prints on the walls. I have a nine year old brother. FML

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By LosTits - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend after not seeing him for 7 months. During this time I have lost a lot of weight and am proud of it. My boyfriend didn't say anything about the lost weight. When we were alone and things started to heat up, he took off my bra and said "I think your tits are smaller." FML

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By dypshyyt - United States

Today, I went to my weekly AA meeting. It was a huge crowd and I was the guest speaker. Not 5 minutes into my speech, I was booed off stage and banned from further attendance because I accidentally wore a Jack Daniel's shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I rented a copy How To Train Your Dragon for my young son to watch. I put the DVD in, hit play without paying attention, and went off to make lunch. A few minutes later, my son ran into the kitchen screaming. Apparently, there was a mix up at the rental store and I got a copy of Saw IV. FML

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By Maude - 20/11/2020 05:03 - Canada - Beauharnois

Doggy dog world

Today, I was going for a relaxing walk but my dog broke free from his leash. At the same time, my 80 year-old neighbor was leaving her apartment. My dog ran inside her home and she screamed. I ended up in her bedroom, running around her bed, chasing my dog who was trying to get at her pantyhose. FML

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By Vanessa8221 - United States - Rockaway Park

Today, I gave a sexual harassment seminar, explaining how important it is to not do anything that makes co-workers uncomfortable. Someone joked, "Like telling you your fly is open?" I tried to zip up, but it got caught on my underwear. There were 20 minutes left in the program. FML

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By ripfluffy - United States

Today, I learned to check inside the oven before you preheat it. Sometimes children hide their pet rabbit in there. FML

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Top comments

By xADTR182 | 0

#3206474 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:02

Sounds like you were in a sticky situation... I'm going to hell.

By melchibr_fml | 0

#3206520 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:07

yeah people these.. getting ran over by trains and shit

COMMENTS

By jayzus123 | 0

#3206448 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:00

People these day...

melchibr_fml | 0

#3206520 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:07

yeah people these.. getting ran over by trains and shit

By blondierat | 0

#3206452 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:00

f ur life? f the guy who got hit by a trains life!

By sailor1522 | 2

#3206456 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:00

That sucks!

By slicklol | 7

#3206460 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:01

You ought to get your priorities straight, someone dies hit by a train and you are complaining about an infected elbow? omfg

yeezuschrist420 | 11

#7661045 - Saturday 14 July 2018 1:15

They didn’t know them so it’s fine

By amayalives4music | 1

#3206468 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:02

Wow. I can't believe it killed a person. That's sad. But anyway. FYL. You didn't know he had an infected elbow. FRIGGN PEOPLE THESE DAYS.. There something else...