Miscellaneous: Today, I started at a new school. It's a pretty great school,...

By Anonymous - United States - Winter Park

Today, I started at a new school. It's a pretty great school, but there's only one problem: Everybody thinks I'm a teacher. I'm only a freshman. FML

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Miscellaneous

You tried

Broken heart

Insane parents

By Crud - United States

Today, my girlfriend of six months dumped me over the phone. I'm in the military and recently had to move away to another fort. We'd agreed that we would try to make long distance work. I'd even offered to buy a plane ticket to come see her each weekend. I've been gone less than two weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, my 7-year-old daughter made a new game: hitting me in the groin when I'm not expecting it. She hunts me in the house, hides around corners, and behind furniture to ambush me. She'll even do it if she catches me napping. I'm a grown man living in fear of a little girl. FML

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57026

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By Man vs. Spider - United States

Today, my house was the only house left that still had its Christmas lights up, so I decided to take them down. Almost done, my fingers brushed over a spiderweb. Startled, I jumped off the ladder and broke my shoulder. Oh, and the spider still managed to stay on my hand, giving me a panic attack. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Camden

Today, my sister and I were planning a trip to get away from things and visit some faraway friends. My dad then decided to insert himself into our plans. He got mad when we said no, and couldn't understand why we wanted to go by ourselves. FML

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By NotSoSick - United States

Today, my doctor put me on some extra strength antibiotics for an infection. On the label it says "WARNING: may cause Diarrhea"... 'may cause' is a funny term... this is the second time I've sharted in my pants today. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while out with my family, I happened to run into "the one who got away." She smilingly introduced herself to my wife, who definitely noticed that she and our daughter share the same name. FML

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3569

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By Thanks everyone - Australia - Gaythorne

Today, I brought my Japanese girlfriend home for dinner with my family for the first time. They all got drunk and made heaps of racist jokes right in front of us. My dad forgot her name and started calling her "Rice Ball" instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bloomfield Hills

Today, the girl I've been dating dumped me after she found out I'm originally from Alabama. Apparently she doesn't want to date someone from a "foreign country". We both live in Michigan. FML

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By Completely Innocent - United States

Today, a coworker told my manager that I and another girl were plotting to get her fired at the end of the month. She actually believed her. Now we're suspended without pay for two weeks for conspiracy. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I learned that most teenagers would rather grab free candy from the broken vending machine than help the guy stuck underneath it get free. FML

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By jalapeno_popper - Canada

Today, I learned the hard way why they say "four on the floor" at school. I leaned too far back while rocking in the chair and fell off. I grabbed the desk to save myself and it came down too. FML

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By NorwegianMadman

Today, nearly Christmas, my dad got mad because I don't have enough money for holiday festivities. I can't afford things because I haven't gotten my paycheck yet. I work for my dad. FML

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7610

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By norpedo - United States - Cleveland

Today, in bare consciousness, I found out what it feels like to be stabbed in the hand with an earring. How? By slamming my hand on the snooze button of my alarm and missing horribly. FML

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26966

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By Xpload - United States - Lake Orion

Today, I woke up with a skull-splitting headache. I braved the wind and freezing temperatures to get to work. Today is also the day my boss thought it would be cute to let the elementary school band play at our office. FML

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By Malina - Australia - Sydney

Today, I bit into a piece of homegrown lettuce from my garden. Apparently, I'm not the only one to enjoy my produce, because I took a bite out of a small caterpillar. FML

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By Phantommajik - United States

Today, I was stuck at the airport overnight waiting for my flight for about 5 hours. I then went and looked at the departures board. It said that my flight had already departed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went back to work after being sick for a week. While I was gone, they hired a new manager. Trying to score bonus points, and possibly a raise, I went to shake her hand and introduce myself. Just as I was about to say "Hello, my name is-" I sneezed right in her face. FML

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26813

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By xo_lezz - United States

Today, my best friend slapped me and called me a some colorful words before telling me that she never wanted to talk to me again because I supposedly slept with her boyfriend. Not only am I a virgin, but I'm a lesbian. FML

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200465

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By FarewellRalphs

Today, I went grocery shopping with my grandmother. Our bagger offered to help load our groceries, to which my grandmother replied, "Oh, what a nice young colored boy." FML

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5104

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By brileyyyy - United States

Today, I was sent to the hospital for being knocked out with a potato. FML

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33668

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By bablessinbedsty

Today, I announced to my fiance that I was pregnant with twins. He immediately called off the engagement, furious at me because we "agreed to only have one child". Sorry my embryo decided to split in two. FML

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By no good deed

It's the thought that counts

Today, I was feeling pretty down due to a recent back injury, so I thought I’d do something nice to help lift my spirits. I bought some cookies for my coworkers, who ended up not wanting any, and one of them decided to ask what was wrong with my face. Oh, right, my acne rosacea is flaring too. FML

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1408

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By Mackdaddy - United States

Today, I was at basketball practice and my coach asked me how my knee was. When I lifted my pants to show him, my cheetah print thong that had been stuck inside the pants from the dryer flew out to the ground. FML

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29988

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By BigFoot - United States

Today, I was trying on some shoes when I felt the heels break underneath me. Not only did they cost two paychecks worth, but as I was leaving I heard the sales girl say that "we really should have a weight limit for who can try on our products." FML

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45952

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By nyu - United States

Today, I was getting a pedicure, and they used some sort of scrubby thing that really tickled my feet. When I couldn't take it any more, I accidentally kicked the lady who was doing my nails in the face. FML

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By SilverZephyr - United States - Marion

Today, I asked out a girl that I've liked for a while. She thought I was joking and laughed, saying, "No. Have you met yourself?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after many, many years of desperate bodily insecurity and therapy, I woke up next to the man of my dreams, who told me the sex was wonderful. Apparently, gin plays wonders with my memory. I don't remember a thing. And that was my first time. FML

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By anon - 14/6/2021 08:01

Very helpful, dude

Today, I sent my husband out for baby formula and cocoa butter to soothe my boobs from breastfeeding. He came back with powdered milk and deep heat rub. AND he still wanted praise for at least having tried to get what I asked for. I would kill him, but I need his wages while I'm on maternity. FML

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By Andrew Cab - 6/4/2021 13:00 - United Kingdom

Relief

Today, our 9-year-old daughter was removed from our home and placed into a home for children too violent to function in a family setting. I can't stop crying but my wife hasn't been this happy in years. She was actually smiling as our daughter was restrained and forced out the front door. FML

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1880

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in marching band, the guy in front of me backed up too far. As we turned, the back of his trombone hit mine, smashing it into my lip. I had to finish the song, sending blood down my horn. FML

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32613

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By cc10 - China

Today, I heard my newly divorced parents fighting about who gets to keep me. Neither of them want me. FML

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64707

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By blah - France

Today, it's officially been two weeks since I found out I have mono. It's also been two weeks since anyone has visited me, called me, or even emailed me. The real kicker? I'm now fired from my job because they can't believe I can have mono twice in one year. I guess I'm just lucky that way. FML

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31172

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By stardad - United States

Today, my ex purposely taught our kids to call all the Star Wars characters by Star Trek names. I’m not sure what bothers me more, the fact that she did it, or the fact that it makes me utterly insane when they say them. FML

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1464

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By lexiiiiiiweee - United States

Today, I went bowling with my friends. As I was about to take my turn, my friend came up behind me and yelled in my ear, "Don't mess up!" Startled, I dropped the ball on my foot. FML

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25575

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By well crap...

Running commentary

Today, I nervously went to the store to buy condoms for the first time. I felt like everything was going well, and checked out happily. As I was walking out, the cashier lady said to the woman next in line, "He thinks he's going to need condoms." They both looked at me and started laughing. FML

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1933

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, I had an admissions interview at my dream college. I spent hours practicing questions and picking the perfect outfit. It was not until after the interview that I realized I'd scratched a pimple while waiting, and my forehead had been smeared with blood the entire time. FML

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32471

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By lalalalalala - United States

Today, I was excited to have a window seat on my three hour flight to New York. When I got to my row, I noticed the screaming newborn occupying the seat in front of me, and a pair of toddlers behind me. I then looked to my seat to find I have no window. FML

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35722

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By don't pray, PAY

Today, I attended a Buddhist prayer service for my religion and philosophy course. When the service was over, everyone stood up. Unfortunately, my legs and feet had fallen asleep so much that I lost balance and tackled a monk into the shrine. I'm expected to pay for injuries and damages. FML

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5318

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By adc2502

That was short-lived.

Today, after getting my first debit card, I spent £60 on porn online. My mum made me print off a statement at the ATM as she wanted to know where my money had gone. She saw everything and cut up my card. FML

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1972

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By mandy16

Today, I got my wisdom teeth taken out. The two male doctors told me they'd give me anesthesia, but when they did, I could still hear them. I heard them talking about my breasts and how flat they were for a 17 year old. FML

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Top comments

By fallencastiel | 22

#6085064 - Thursday 9 October 2014 11:31

At least you aren't a teacher getting mistaken for a freshman.

By AnOriginalName | 19

#6085067 - Thursday 9 October 2014 11:32

With some creativity, you can use that to your advantage. Like using the staff break room, for starters.

COMMENTS

By fallencastiel | 22

#6085064 - Thursday 9 October 2014 11:31

At least you aren't a teacher getting mistaken for a freshman.

EmpireCityRay | 13

#6085092 - Thursday 9 October 2014 12:04

That happens to me :( lol

UntoldLife | 18

#6085101 - Thursday 9 October 2014 12:21

Really looks like it #16

MelTheGreat | 23

#6085341 - Thursday 9 October 2014 17:49

That happens to me, too. Plus, I'm only 5' tall.

By purpleturtle16 | 20

#6085066 - Thursday 9 October 2014 11:32

Make new friends! Talk to people! Soon everyone will know that you're a student. Good luck OP

orbit | 22

#6085168 - Thursday 9 October 2014 15:04

Or use the situation to your advantage

supernerd95 | 17

#6085329 - Thursday 9 October 2014 17:42

i would really exploit such a situation... a lot.. hahaha

ThongWarrior | 17

#6085335 - Thursday 9 October 2014 17:45

Oh my! I would have never thought of such intelligent out-of-this world solution... Oh my god

By AnOriginalName | 19

#6085067 - Thursday 9 October 2014 11:32

With some creativity, you can use that to your advantage. Like using the staff break room, for starters.

purpleturtle16 | 20

#6085069 - Thursday 9 October 2014 11:33

I like how your mind works!

supernerd95 | 17

#6085333 - Thursday 9 October 2014 17:43

me too!

AnOriginalName | 19

#6085445 - Thursday 9 October 2014 19:58

Me three!

rosstheboss2000 | 5

#6085539 - Thursday 9 October 2014 22:55

Me four?

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6085790 - Friday 10 October 2014 6:56

Pull a "Catch me if you can" and start teaching class convincing the teacher that they've been replaced lol.

By abattior | 18

#6085068 - Thursday 9 October 2014 11:32

I'd troll some people for fun!

By Smiley_70 | 22

#6085070 - Thursday 9 October 2014 11:35

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Enslaved | 36

#6085139 - Thursday 9 October 2014 13:52

For some reason, I'm picturing the OP carrying a briefcase instead of a book bag. That'll throw a few off.

By MrDonSalvetti | 27

#6085072 - Thursday 9 October 2014 11:36

Your name isn't Benjamin Button, is it?

By sydneysays | 15

#6085078 - Thursday 9 October 2014 11:44

Take advantage of this

By Headcrab | 29

#6085079 - Thursday 9 October 2014 11:44

This could be super useful.

Crossbowe | 13

#6085474 - Thursday 9 October 2014 20:49

Half life FTW

By thefmlman2011 | 35

#6085080 - Thursday 9 October 2014 11:46

Congratulations on starting a bew school! You'll fit in in no time.

thefmlman2011 | 35

#6085161 - Thursday 9 October 2014 14:33

I meant new school, not bew. stupid fingers

By Black0111 | 6

#6085083 - Thursday 9 October 2014 11:52

That's a good thing lol. Good luck.