Today, I started at a new school. It's a pretty great school,...

By Anonymous - 9/10/2014 02:13 - United States - Winter Park

Today, I started at a new school. It's a pretty great school, but there's only one problem: Everybody thinks I'm a teacher. I'm only a freshman. FML

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Miscellaneous

Live dumping

Hello everyone!

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Filingfordivorce - 18/5/2017 16:00

Today, it seems my husband didn't realize that "Office Space" is just a movie and began to act like the characters in a pathetic attempt to, "stand up to the establishment!" Perhaps he also didn't realize that attempted arson is considered a federal crime. The bail is $20,000. FML

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By FANZZY - 18/8/2014 16:29 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I learned that when someone is choking you don't do the "hymen maneuver", you do the "heimlich maneuver". I was corrected by my girlfriend's parents. FML

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By fineididntwantkidsanyway - 2/12/2012 23:39 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my girlfriend got into the Christmas cheer while giving me a hand job, smashing my nuts with her palm in time to her humming of Jingle Bells. FML

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By bouncekitty - 20/2/2011 17:04 - United States

Today, I had all of my wisdom teeth removed. After the anesthesia wore off, I asked how long the procedure took, and the nurse told me a little less than an hour. Apparently I thought this was hilarious and started laughing, which ripped my new stitches. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2012 11:40 - United Kingdom - Chatham

Today, my girlfriend admitted she had a nightmare about having sex with me. FML

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By ashamed - 25/11/2015 15:50 - United States - Buffalo

Get Lucky, sound of the summer

Today, my neighbor called me a lucky bastard and said he heard me getting my wife off last night. I was too ashamed to admit the sounds he was referring to were from my 17-year-old daughter after a wasp flew through her bedroom window. FML

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By Karmas3itch - 12/5/2009 04:19 - United States

Today, I was taking a bath and needed shampoo. I leaned on the soap holder to get some and it came off the wall. Huge ants started pouring out running up the walls, down the walls, EVERYWHERE. I ran out of the bathroom screaming, completely naked. FML

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By seriously? - 27/5/2014 22:23 - United States - Manassas

Today, I discovered that my dad still doesn't consider my career as an app developer a "real job". FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2009 16:06 - United States

Today, my husband and I were having sex in the shower while our 5-year old was sleeping. Apparently, she wasn't sleeping and she asked me what those loud noises were. I told her I was singing. Now I can't get her to stop "singing" in the shower. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2012 23:14 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I planned a romantic movie night. Champagne, popcorn, romantic comedy. Then his friend decided to show up and they've been talking about 1st generation Pokémon ever since. FML

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By anon - 11/5/2009 20:37 - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth out. Due to the drugs they gave me I felt nauseous. When I went to the bathroom as a precaution I did not throw up. Instead I passed out face first in the toilet. FML

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By Whateversz - 24/7/2010 19:59 - Netherlands

Today, when I took a nap on the couch, a spider crawled into my mouth. How do I know? My boyfriend filmed it and laughed. FML

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By Lisa - 23/8/2019 22:00 - United States - Tupelo

Today, a woman came knocking on my door. Not to sell something or to chat, no. To punch me in the mouth. Apparently, I stole her husband and I'm a homewrecker. We don't have a clue who she is. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, and were high school sweethearts. FML

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By Escape! - 3/2/2009 21:38 - United States

Today, I walked in on my porn addicted roommate watching a gynecologist exam online. He asked me to watch it with him. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2017 01:44

Do you have an evil twin?

Today, my wife's parents came over, insisting they saw me at the bar at 1:30 p.m., talked to me, and that I left with another woman. I was at work all day. I have no idea what they are talking about, I've never done this. My wife doesn't believe me. FML

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By R281780 - 14/2/2016 15:53 - United States - San Jose

Today, my girlfriend is locked in the bathroom crying because I didn't buy her anything for Valentine's Day, even though Friday, at her suggestion, we agreed not to exchange gifts because both of our birthdays are a week away. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2013 23:27 - United States - Hopkinsville

Today, as always, my boyfriend has the ability to pop his eyeballs out of his eye sockets. He thought it'd be funny for me to wake up face-to-face with the disgusting sight. The shit in my bowels did an early Thanksgiving Day parade straight into my underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2011 17:32 - Canada

Today, I found out I was born as a result of someone switching my mom's birth control pills with tic tac. FML

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By picturemenakedbaby - 21/7/2009 10:42 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were on the phone. He started talking dirty, and saying how horny he was, etc. So I decided to play along and said "I want you to picture me naked, baby." All of a sudden I heard a huge sigh. He responded, "Ew, that just killed it." FML

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By justfat - 12/3/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, I was standing on a balcony smoking a cigarette when I noticed a woman giving me strange looks. When I put the cigarette out and went to walk inside she said "You shouldn't smoke while you're pregnant." I'm not pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2013 21:48 - United States

Today, my co-worker and I played a game where we give each other the bird in whatever creative manner we could come up with. Deciding to be sneaky, I hid behind a wall with my middle finger up as I heard him walking into the office. It was my boss. FML

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By Lilie - 17/12/2008 10:25 - France

Today, my sweetheart came round to drop off some underwear which I'd left at his house. Not all of what he brought was mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2014 08:21 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I spent six hours at the ER. Why? My husband dared our seventeen-year-old son to recreate a 'Jackass' trolley-hedge diving stunt at the local supermarket. What wasn't on my groceries list was a broken arm, fractured wrist, whiplash and cuts and bruises. FML

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By Dumbdumb - 15/2/2010 14:29 - United States

Today, at work a really hot guy came up to me and asked "what are your hours?" Excited, I told him I get off at 4 but might be able to get out sooner. He started laughing and then said "I meant your store hours". He turned around and walked away, shaking his head and laughing. FML

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By tadam - 10/11/2008 09:11 - France

Today, to my delight I discover that there is security camera in the storage room at my work. The same room where, two days ago I masturbated. FML

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By douchetard - 26/3/2009 07:37 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's very religious parents for dinner. Somehow we got to talking about her groin hernias that were repaired as a baby. I never knew she had hernias repaired and said, "But she doesn't have any scars down there." There was a long awkward silence. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2009 03:00 - United States

Today, I drove my husband's car to the mall because my car was in the shop. The bumper was being repaired because I got rear ended while stopped at a traffic light. While stopped at the same intersection I got rear ended again. FML

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By not a kiddy fiddler really - 29/5/2015 20:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my daughter's wedding celebration, I was doing a Michael Jackson act with a few buddies. It went well until I did the crotch-grab. I yanked my balls too hard and fell to the floor, writhing in agony in front of nearly 70 guests. FML

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By Lady - 4/11/2018 14:00

Today, I found out that my mother has been telling everyone that my fiancé and I are having a "shotgun wedding" because we plan to get married quickly. She didn't realize that means that the bride is pregnant, which I'm not. I have no idea what to do with the baby gifts I'm receiving. FML

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By CHEERS, TUMBLTARD - 13/9/2013 21:31

Today, while chatting with a friend online, I told her that Kristen Stewart isn't going to star in the 50 Shades movie as she originally thought. She then spammed me with so many "NO"/"NO WAY" messages that my crappy laptop froze up, forcing me to reboot and lose a ton of unsaved essay notes. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2009 15:15 - Netherlands

Today, my old highschool math teacher called me, asking me to please stop calling him at 2AM every weekend. Turns out my best friend uses my cellphone to call his number every time she's drunk, and declares her eternal love to him. FML

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By Dave - 19/12/2018 18:00

Today, I said to a girl that I recently started dating, ‘I like you so far’. My phone had other plans and decide to autocorrect far to fat as I hit send. FML.

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By boringhusband - 8/5/2016 14:29 - United States - Salisbury

Today, while at dinner with my wife, she asked me what was on my mind as I stared blankly at the window. "Nothing" was interpreted as, "We are boring, and can't stand each other." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2011 01:03 - United States

Today, I went to visit my alcoholic father. He remembered to ask me how my dog Reggie is, but could not remember the name of "my pal." My "pal" is also my wife of four years. FML

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By criminal tit offender - 31/8/2013 16:25 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I went skinny-dipping with my friends. At one point, I jokingly pointed out how one of them had the smallest boobs of us all. She calmly got out of the pond, dried herself, scooped up our clothes and phones, and drove off in her car. The cops she called arrived soon after. FML

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By Sparks - 27/4/2019 10:00 - United States - Taylor

Today, my neighbors threatened to sue me because a six-foot branch fell off one of my trees and into their yard, hitting nothing on the way down. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2017 19:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, at an MA meeting, I ran into the cop who'd pulled me over and given me a ticket for marijuana possession. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2013 02:39 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I was searched and questioned at the airport for having an apple. FML

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By CantPublish - 12/4/2012 17:54 - United States - Modesto

Today, my wife and I decided to try role-playing. I started cleaning the pool. waiting for her to come out and be sexy, but she never did. I'd cleaned the entire pool before going into the house to ask why she never came out. She said she tricked me into cleaning the pool. FML

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By Eheath12Jheath14 - 12/7/2018 01:30

Today, my boyfriend and I welcomed our first son into the world. After I gave birth, he said he was going home to make sure the house was ready for baby. A few hours later, he was tagged in a Facebook photo by a mutual friend at the local bar. FML

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Top comments

By fallencastiel | 22

#6085064 - Thursday 9 October 2014 11:31

At least you aren't a teacher getting mistaken for a freshman.

By AnOriginalName | 19

#6085067 - Thursday 9 October 2014 11:32

With some creativity, you can use that to your advantage. Like using the staff break room, for starters.

Comments

By fallencastiel | 22

#6085064 - Thursday 9 October 2014 11:31

At least you aren't a teacher getting mistaken for a freshman.

EmpireCityRay | 13

#6085092 - Thursday 9 October 2014 12:04

That happens to me :( lol

UntoldLife | 18

#6085101 - Thursday 9 October 2014 12:21

Really looks like it #16

MelTheGreat | 23

#6085341 - Thursday 9 October 2014 17:49

That happens to me, too. Plus, I'm only 5' tall.

By purpleturtle16 | 20

#6085066 - Thursday 9 October 2014 11:32

Make new friends! Talk to people! Soon everyone will know that you're a student. Good luck OP

orbit | 22

#6085168 - Thursday 9 October 2014 15:04

Or use the situation to your advantage

supernerd95 | 17

#6085329 - Thursday 9 October 2014 17:42

i would really exploit such a situation... a lot.. hahaha

ThongWarrior | 17

#6085335 - Thursday 9 October 2014 17:45

Oh my! I would have never thought of such intelligent out-of-this world solution... Oh my god

By AnOriginalName | 19

#6085067 - Thursday 9 October 2014 11:32

With some creativity, you can use that to your advantage. Like using the staff break room, for starters.

purpleturtle16 | 20

#6085069 - Thursday 9 October 2014 11:33

I like how your mind works!

supernerd95 | 17

#6085333 - Thursday 9 October 2014 17:43

me too!

AnOriginalName | 19

#6085445 - Thursday 9 October 2014 19:58

Me three!

rosstheboss2000 | 5

#6085539 - Thursday 9 October 2014 22:55

Me four?

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6085790 - Friday 10 October 2014 6:56

Pull a "Catch me if you can" and start teaching class convincing the teacher that they've been replaced lol.

By abattior | 18

#6085068 - Thursday 9 October 2014 11:32

I'd troll some people for fun!

By Smiley_70 | 22

#6085070 - Thursday 9 October 2014 11:35

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Enslaved | 36

#6085139 - Thursday 9 October 2014 13:52

For some reason, I'm picturing the OP carrying a briefcase instead of a book bag. That'll throw a few off.

By MrDonSalvetti | 27

#6085072 - Thursday 9 October 2014 11:36

Your name isn't Benjamin Button, is it?

By sydneysays | 15

#6085078 - Thursday 9 October 2014 11:44

Take advantage of this

By Headcrab | 29

#6085079 - Thursday 9 October 2014 11:44

This could be super useful.

Crossbowe | 13

#6085474 - Thursday 9 October 2014 20:49

Half life FTW

By thefmlman2011 | 31

#6085080 - Thursday 9 October 2014 11:46

Congratulations on starting a bew school! You'll fit in in no time.

thefmlman2011 | 31

#6085161 - Thursday 9 October 2014 14:33

I meant new school, not bew. stupid fingers

By Black0111 | 6

#6085083 - Thursday 9 October 2014 11:52

That's a good thing lol. Good luck.