By munckncruncj15 - United States

Yummy

Today, at lunch, a fly was buzzing around my food. I managed to kill the fly in my napkin in midair. I continued my lunch, pleased with my amazing ninja skills. When I was done with my lunch, I wiped my mouth with the napkin. I can still taste bug guts. Karma. FML

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The smell detective is on the case

Fear factor

Keys, how do they work?

By trolls have hit the gutters - United Kingdom - Durham

Today, a homeless guy told me I looked like shit and to have some self-respect. Right. FML

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By motorboatofdoom

Nice way to go, really

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is terrified of me seeing her sex faces, so she violently squished my face between her boobs during sex. I then had a severe asthma attack because I couldn't breathe properly. FML

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By ScoozieBooze - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I caught my dog chewing on a tampon applicator. I tried to grab it from him, but he wanted to play "keep away" and ran outside. Like a dumbass, I chased after him in my underwear, earning myself the attention of my neighbors on each side of my driveway. FML

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By moose - Germany - W?rzburg

Today, I bought myself a new perfume. Now, there's a sulky husband lying next to me in bed who can't get it up because I smell like his mum. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, while my mother was driving me to school, her coffee started to spill. So like a normal parent, she held it over my lap. FML

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By chi-huaHUA - United States

Today, I walked outside to see my friend frantically waving and running at me, yelling something I couldn't understand. I smiled and started to jog over to him until I realized he was screaming "RUN!!!" We spent the next 10 minutes running from his neighbor's 5 vicious chihuahuas. FML

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By Taylor D - United States

Today, I went to Walmart to get some acne cream. As I approached the register, I looked in my wallet for the money. The cashier saw that I didn't have enough money, and before I could say anything, he goes "Just take it, I've never seen anyone who needs it that much!" FML

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By Sadtimes - United Kingdom

Today, my sister broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years because he hadn't "popped" the question. I've just spent the last 2 months helping him plan the perfect proposal. FML

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By KittyKat - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, my husband was getting undressed. I told my 2-year-old daughter not to go in our bedroom because he was undressing in there. I turned my back and she instantly ran off to my bedroom. I heard her shout "I can see daddy's tail!" Now, she points to everyone's crotch and shouts "TAIL!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from a girl I fell madly in love with 8 years ago. She disappeared from my life with no trace. Turns out she just finalized her divorce, has 2 wild kids, packed on 75 lbs, has $25,000 in debt and is taking meds to keep from going crazy. Now she wants me back. FML

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By wow kid just leave me alone - United States

Today, after math class, the resident creepy kid approached me and asked me out. I've only spoken to him twice before, so I was creeped out, and I politely declined. He totally lost it, and shouted that I'm a "friend-zoning bitch" before storming out of the room. FML

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By ohno - United States

Today, I was invited over to a dinner with the CEOs of my company, along with my two children. My 3 year-old asked loudly why we have two "nose holes", to which my 4 year-old son replied "So you can pick your nose and still breathe!" He then demonstrated. FML

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By Pandaling - United States - Minneapolis

Devil parents

Today, my mother-in-law said: "People who don't have kids are children of the devil." I'm infertile, she knows this. FML

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By HelpPlease - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. Midway through the speech I'd prepared, I fainted and hit my head against a wall. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I decided to work out. Being too embarrassed to run in public, I instead ran in circles in my basement. FML

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By I piss upon thee - United States - Toledo

Today, I got a warning for not covering a shift, on my day off, for someone who didn't want to go to work. Apparently the next time I “do something wrong", I'll either get warned again or fired, whichever they feel like doing. FML

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By sadness - United States - Metairie

Today, the guy I'm dating came into the same restaurant where I was eating. He was with a girl. He sat at the table next to mine and didn't even bother to say, "Hi." I guess I'm single again. FML

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By glittercat - United States

Today, I heard my mom moan in the other room. FML

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By phantom-yamato - 1/5/2020 17:00

Germ warfare

Today, I accidentally scanned a customer’s item twice. Before I could take it off, she quickly leaned over the counter and coughed on me. Repeatedly. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at home with slight constipation, so I took two laxatives. That's when my boyfriend called me, saying his parents are in town and want to have dinner tonight, this being the first time I've met them. I've already been on the toilet five times. FML

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By Rawr - United States

Today, I was really horny after some dirty texts from my boyfriend. Since everyone seemed to be sleeping, I closed my eyes and started to touch myself. I was really close to climaxing when I opened my eyes and made eye contact with my mother staring at me as I was masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my car broke down in the middle of nowhere. I walked about 3 miles to the nearest house to call a tow truck. When I got back to where I left my car, it was gone. FML

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By elijahrobrt - United States

Today, I went to a great concert. Against all odds, I got to meet the band. All I had for them to autograph was a flyer protesting their concert that was given to me on the way in. FML

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By Jackassed - United States

Today, as a prank, a friend and I tied a 10 dollar bill to a fishing line, and yanked it away from people as they reached for it. It was going really well until one of our victims pulled a knife and chased us around the block. FML

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By Chris - France

Today, the windows on my car were frozen. I filled up a bucket of hot water, and threw it on the windows. The windows cracked. FML

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By dawg - United States - Stuart

Today, I found out that the "IRS scam" that I ignored last week was actually not a scam, and now I have a warrant out for me. FML

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By Medic - United States - Puyallup

Today, at work as an EMT, I was telling a panicked patient that I would be taking her vital signs. I inadvertently said that I would be taking her vital organs. FML

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By MistressSuzuka - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I helped my friend, who is a slob, move out of my house. I found the source of the funky smell she's been complaining about, under her bed. It was her vibrator. I found it with my bare hands. I had to bleach my hands twice and I still don't feel clean. FML

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By nosey - United Kingdom - Mountain Ash

Today, I woke up with my face covered in blood. Turns out that yesterday at my colleague's birthday party, I got so drunk that I started yelling "Nappy time!" before falling out of my hammock and face-first onto the concrete ground. FML

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By apparentlytoofat - 26/4/2020 05:00

Superficial World

Today, my husband said he thinks of me as more of a roommate than a romantic interest, and he’s wouldn't be that attracted to me unless I lose another 20 pounds. I was just celebrating that I’d lost 5 pounds already in April. Stress makes it harder to lose weight. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, on a train to the airport the ticket inspector pointed out that my girlfriend and I hadn't activated our tickets. He suggested one of us get off and activate them at the next station. Now I'm on the moving train with all our luggage and she's waving from the platform with our tickets. FML

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By denting-and-venting - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found a parking spot in front of my work. I parked and another car pulled into the spot just in front of me. The next thing I know, the car in front backs up and slams into my car. Turns out she didn't notice the fire hydrant next to her spot and screamed at me cause I, "stole her spot." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I overheard my mum tell my sister that she should make me a bridesmaid at her wedding. My sister scoffed, "She looks like Shamu, mum. I can't have THAT in my wedding pics." followed by laughter and my mum saying, "Touché." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 11:01

If it quacks like a duck, it's a quack

Today, we got the news that my dad will be dying of Covid. My mom, former nurse, still insist it's a hoax and that the holistic route will cure him. FML

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By PrettySureItsReal - United States - Saint Peters

Today, a parent of one of the students I teach called me to complain that I was teaching her child "lies" and "fairytales". I was teaching them about the Holocaust. FML

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By ConfusedCollegeKid - United States - Normal

Today, my theatre studies professor played a soundscape, then had us write what we thought the meaning was. I thought it was a simulation of what schizophrenia was like. Turns out the teacher bet her friend she could convince us that a bunch of people speaking gibberish meant something. FML

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By Local Welsh

Today, my husband's cousin told me it's a tradition that I should have sex with the eldest male cousin (him) as a rite of passage, and I probably don't know this being of foreign origin. I emigrated here and met my husband when we were 6. FML

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By pussyOUT - United States

Today, I was at an amusement park with my kids. When we were on the Ferris wheel, I discovered my fear of heights. I hyperventilated, screamed from our seat "LET ME OUT! OH GOD LET ME OUT!!" I also began crying hysterically. They stopped the ride for me to get off. I'm a 45 year old man. FML

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By oopsiecoffee - Canada

Today, I went into a small coffee shop. In line, a guy came up to me and was like "I haven't seen you here before, are you new in town?" and I replied with "Oh, no I've lived here for years. The coffee here is crap, though, so I only come here when Starbucks is full" He's the owner of the shop. FML

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By Go_There - 26/10/2020 02:01 - United States - Madison

Cake, eating it…

Today, I'm in an open marriage and had to admit to myself that I caught feels for my "friend with benefits" who was only interested in the "benefits" part and I had to break it off. I already miss the sex. FML

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Top comments

By moonsolomon | 0

#632963 - Thursday 22 October 2009 12:41

Last I checked, when people wiped their mouths, the napkin didn't come in contact with the tongue... and wouldn't you feel it on your lips before just absently licking? And then remember about the dead fly and think ICK and wipe it off again?
Just, y'know, asking.

By Peroxide | 3

#632966 - Thursday 22 October 2009 12:44

Mr Miyagi would be so proud

Wax on wax off bitch

COMMENTS

By cheekytart | 0

#632954 - Thursday 22 October 2009 12:28

ou're an idiot

Reply

lastichecked | 0

#632962 - Thursday 22 October 2009 12:36

es she is

Reply

HahaYDI | 0

#632999 - Thursday 22 October 2009 13:22

ou made me laugh

Reply

_THE_MASTER_ | 0

#633222 - Thursday 22 October 2009 16:48

ou gus are hilarious.

Reply

Kervik | 0

#633250 - Thursday 22 October 2009 17:11

greed.

Reply

drano | 0

#633776 - Friday 23 October 2009 0:28

econded

nd OP that's not karma that's stupidity.

Reply

gizmo_987 | 0

#633917 - Friday 23 October 2009 2:36

ies a little inside every time someone used Karma wrong on FMLs*

Reply

Ajjas013 | 6

#637254 - Sunday 25 October 2009 2:58

Double-amen. Btw, Alan Pirates may > Ninjas, but Zombies > Pirates.

Reply

XYZzzzzzzz | 0

#927607 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 4:56

felt bad for you until you said karma. There is no karma for killing a fly.

Reply

Karma495 | 0

#1667470 - Monday 8 November 2010 17:03

xD ikr

Reply

PinkieKeen | 20

#4969824 - Tuesday 25 September 2012 9:17

"Amazing ninja skills"...?

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#632955 - Thursday 22 October 2009 12:29

You're not Obama, so don't try pulling one.

PS: Pirates > Ninjas

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#632969 - Thursday 22 October 2009 12:46

Amen, Twin.

Reply

_THE_MASTER_ | 0

#633225 - Thursday 22 October 2009 16:50

you can go ahead and say that pirates are better than ninjas...of course, while you're doing that, 1 ninja is silently and skillfully taking down your entire crew. oh...face....

Reply

winterharte | 0

#821356 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 10:50

But then the zombie apocalypse comes along and they somehow all procreate togeter, thusly making a Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot. (KoL references FTW! :D)

Reply

Snowstar | 0

#2174899 - Saturday 12 March 2011 3:58

DONT FORGET COWBOYS ALIENS AND ASTRONAUTS

By lastichecked | 0

#632957 - Thursday 22 October 2009 12:32

Last I checked killing a fly didn't class as "Ninja" skills, just saying.

By lastichecked | 0

#632959 - Thursday 22 October 2009 12:34

*posting error oops =P*

By moonsolomon | 0

#632963 - Thursday 22 October 2009 12:41

Last I checked, when people wiped their mouths, the napkin didn't come in contact with the tongue... and wouldn't you feel it on your lips before just absently licking? And then remember about the dead fly and think ICK and wipe it off again?
Just, y'know, asking.

By Peroxide | 3

#632966 - Thursday 22 October 2009 12:44

Mr Miyagi would be so proud

Wax on wax off bitch

By lolwatlol | 0

#632970 - Thursday 22 October 2009 12:47

Lets ignore the fact that karma is bullshit, but.... do you even know what karma is?

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#632974 - Thursday 22 October 2009 12:51

They watch My Name Is Earl and think they know what they're talking about, sadly. /=

Reply

allmidnighteyes | 10

#633006 - Thursday 22 October 2009 13:37

I know what karma is: it's bullshit

Reply

rawr_iliketacos | 0

#929679 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 20:45

My cousins name is Karma, and she IS a bitch.

By OverWind | 0

#633023 - Thursday 22 October 2009 13:48

YDI for wiping your mouth after eating.

By Kempiet_fml | 0

#633038 - Thursday 22 October 2009 14:00

Thats not Karma you're just retarded

By amatayo | 0

#633050 - Thursday 22 October 2009 14:23

karma hahahhahahaaahahaah people are so stupid.