Transportation: Today, while commuting to work on a peak hour train, I lost my... - FML

By ShameMonkey - Australia - Glen Waverley

Today, while commuting to work on a peak hour train, I lost my balance and accidentally grabbed a bald mans head to steady myself. To make matters worse, the words "oh gosh, I'm so sorry. I thought you were a knob" came out of my mouth before I could think about what I was saying. FML

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Triage

Masked Singer

Or does he?

By Mel - France - Toulouse

Today, I went to a group gym lesson. While working on our abs, the coach came through, touching our stomachs to check we were doing the exercises correctly. When he got to me, he asked, "How many kids have you got then?" I'm 22, and I've got none. FML

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By over_protected - Canada

Today, I received a message from front desk that my concerned father is trying to contact me. I call only to hear that my parents were freaking out that I wasn't answering my phone. They saw me 9 hours ago. They were going to call the police. I'm in college and also don't live with them anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ithaca

Today, I discovered that when you suddenly get channels that you didn't have before, it doesn't mean there was a glitch and you're getting free TV, it just means that your son called the cable company and had your plan changed so you get every conceivable channel at a hugely increased price. FML

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By sam - 11/11/2020 03:03 - United States - Denver

Drama Queen

Today, my daughter lightly bumped her hand on a wall, cried and screamed for 5 minutes, vomited, then passed out. She’s 19. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while looking through the camera my boyfriend got me, I found a video of a girl giving him head. After screaming at him about it and breaking up with him, I realized the girl was a drunken me. FML

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By Crog - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally kicked a child down a set of steps. I work in a kids play area. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Paris

Today, I was dumped by my boyfriend. He claimed that it's because he's an agent fighting the Mafia, and he doesn't want to put my life at risk through reprisal attacks. FML

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By whenlifeisalemon - United States - San Francisco

Today, I waited patiently in the airport as my flight was repeatedly delayed. After 5 long hours I approached one of the attendees to discover that the plane had left 5 minutes ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was watching The Omen with my father. A little bit into the movie my dad turned to me and said, "Wow, you really looked like that Damien kid when you were little." Apparently I strangely resemble the anti-christ, and I am a teenage girl. Thanks Dad. FML

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By Anonymous - Asia/Pacific Region

Today, and pretty much every day, my co-worker takes off her shoes while working. The smell of her feet makes me dizzy. I don't know if she's oblivious to the fact that her feet stink, or she just doesn't care. It's affecting the quality of my work. FML

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By riiiight - United States - Warren

Today, I went on a blind date. The first thing the guy did was ask if I knew what it felt like to have spiders crawl out of my vagina. FML

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By banana12321 - United States - Fresno

Today, I thought I had gotten away with throwing a party while my folks were gone the night before. They came home and I was as sweet as possible. I could tell they were not buying it, but I thought I was in the clear. Later, they told me I had drunk-dialled them and spilled the beans. FML

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By Lissa

All the single ladies (All the single ladies)

Today, I’m a 28 year-old single mom who has never has never experienced an orgasm. This sucks. FML

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By justwow - United States - Fort George G Meade

Today, I saw an article about how some people think internet access is more important than sex. I asked my boyfriend which he thought was more important. He chose internet access. FML

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By Anonymous

He's probably right

Today, I found out that my boyfriend thinks brushing his teeth is unnecessary, because, "the world is going to end because of climate change anyway." FML

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By driverboy - United States

Today, I had to pick up and drive home a couple of drunk bitches. Unfortunately, one of these drunk bitches was my mother. FML

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By Thanks a lot - United States - Chestnut Hill

Today, I babysat for my neighbor's brat kid. The mom gave me $15 for 5 hours. I complained to my mom when I got home because last time I got $15/hour. Turns out my mom had told my neighbor that she thought they'd paid me too much last time. Thanks mom. Thanks. FML

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By dirtbikeguy - United States - Chicago

Today, I had a dream about a giant spider crawling around in my mouth. I woke up to find that dreams sometimes do come true. FML

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By betrayed - United States - Portland

Today, I came home early, only to hear a mad scramble in the living room. I found my now ex-girlfriend and best friend in there, sweaty and in their underwear. The idiot actually had the balls to claim he was teaching her how to do push-ups. FML

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By - United States - Modesto

Today, the moment after hitting "confirm payment" for my boyfriend's valentine gift (along with some sexy lingerie for the occasion) on a shopping app, my period tracker app popped up to let me know I'll be well into my period on the 14th. I'm getting cockblocked by mother nature herself. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2020 05:02

Stiff

Today, I had the house to myself so I lay on my bed with a porno for some me time. I was just about to begin when I felt a sting. A mosquito bit me right on the shaft. I’m allergic to mosquitos, so now I’m sweating, covered in hives and my knob is swollen in a very bad, not fun way. FML

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By veiny - United States - Kingsport

Today, my nurse girlfriend told me she's more attracted to the veins in my arm than any other part of me. FML

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By Nafypoo

Today, I was playing competitively for my clan in a tournament. Money is involved, and I was doing quite well until my girlfriend up and turned the PS4 off because I wasn't "paying enough attention" to her, despite being on a holiday with her for the previous 3 days. FML

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By dontask

Today I was stalking my Bumble match’s Instagram feed before I said hello. I went to tap for sound on a video of him getting his backside tattooed but accidentally double tapped and liked the video. Sound turned on and I realized I liked a video of him farting. Couldn’t say hello after that. FML.

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By hannaholic - United States

Today, I went on an excellent first date. After the 'end of the date kiss' came, "I suppose this is where I tell you that I'm married." FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, while I was out shopping, my pants decided that they just didn't have enough holes in them, and ripped a new one in the crotch. FML

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By Sam - France

Today, I learned that in my family, 'Father's Day' is more like 'Father's drunken, piss on a plant in the kitchen during breakfast, order you to scrub in between his toes with your toothbrush Day.' FML

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By If IQs could be negative... - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, I had to drive my husband to hospital after he tried to burn his pubes off with a lighter as part of a bet. On the upside, he probably won't be bugging me for sex for a while. On the downside, I'm married to a moron. FML

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By Stuck - United States - Evans

Today, my house is on lockdown. I recently moved to Georgia from Rhode Island to be with my boyfriend. The state is on high alert for an ice storm. I'm stuck inside with my terrified boyfriend, who's calling it "the storm of the century". I used to walk to school in this weather. FML

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By skinny dipper - United States

Today, I was caught skinny dipping by the police. With the arresting officer's daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - Greece

Today, I said to our pool-boy, "I know what you're doing, and you have to stop it." He started shouting that I had no right to tell them what to do and that they were in love. He was referring to his relationship with my eldest son. I wanted to tell him to stop drinking my beers. FML

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By lonelyandcold - United Kingdom - Solihull

Today, after coming home from surgery, I discovered that the heating in my entire building had failed. I called my mom asking if I could come and stay with her for a few days. She told me to "think warm thoughts." FML

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By subduedbeast - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend for what I thought would be a romantic horse-drawn carriage ride. We didn't expect the horse to die in the middle of it. FML

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By Michael - 14/10/2020 23:02 - United States - Kearny

Stahp!

Today, I had to babysit my dying grandmother, so I brought up my guitar. She hadn't said anything to anyone today, and the first thing and only thing she said was, "Stop. Make it stop" to me when I played. FML

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By Amanda - United States

Today, I went to the carnival with a guy I like. When we went on the big scary ride where you flip upside down a lot, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Then, I threw up on him. FML

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By Godwhy

Today, I found out my boyfriend of 7 years has been cheating on me with my friend's 18-year-old sister, took her on the vacation we planned, and will be starting with my company next week. FML

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By Lennie Mcfish

We are legion

Today, I'm so lonely that I created multiple fake accounts on different social media platforms, just so I can have people to talk to. FML

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By can't sleep - United States - Crown Point

Today, my mother taught my 98-year-old great-uncle to knock on the wall if he needs us. He can't remember who we are, but every hour he can remember to knock to ask, "Is it breakfast yet?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hudson Falls

Today, my science class found out that I have OCD and that one of my rituals is to cough when others cough. This is going to be a long year. FML

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By fuckspellcheck - United States

Today, I realized the senior thesis I turned in last week uses the word "asses" instead of "assess" 17 times. FML

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Top comments

By xxDeeStar | 27

#6703005 - Sunday 16 October 2016 11:07

That is utterly hilarious!
I laughed out loud haha!

But I hope he had a good sense of humour.

By kctrl | 8

#6703012 - Sunday 16 October 2016 11:39

Very rarely does an FML make me laugh aloud, but this one did. FYL OP, but thanks for the entertainment!

COMMENTS

By xxDeeStar | 27

#6703005 - Sunday 16 October 2016 11:07

That is utterly hilarious!
I laughed out loud haha!

But I hope he had a good sense of humour.

By kctrl | 8

#6703012 - Sunday 16 October 2016 11:39

Very rarely does an FML make me laugh aloud, but this one did. FYL OP, but thanks for the entertainment!

Reply

Trainn | 19

#6703018 - Sunday 16 October 2016 11:52

This one made my day.

By Lalala579121 | 27

#6703027 - Sunday 16 October 2016 12:17

I hope he wasn't a wanker about it.

By hekinokuroihi | 20

#6703039 - Sunday 16 October 2016 12:54

Did he act like a knob after?

By TheNewGuy03 | 28

#6703049 - Sunday 16 October 2016 13:15

I must admit having a bit of a hearty chortle at this.
I hope he had a sense of humor.

By ApeTheGreatApe | 11

#6703051 - Sunday 16 October 2016 13:17

Just slowly close him shut, lift your hand off the knob and act as though nothing had happened

By demideity | 13

#6703053 - Sunday 16 October 2016 13:19

Maybe he wanted to be your knob ;)

By Attacksloth | 33

#6703082 - Sunday 16 October 2016 14:53

Looks like you got out of that situation by the skin of [his head].

By HeroZeroPlayer | 20

#6703087 - Sunday 16 October 2016 15:07

Mother of pearl this is hilarious. I'm at work on a Sunday night alone and this just made my night xD

By popperpuff88 | 15

#6703248 - Sunday 16 October 2016 22:05

brilliant! Haha