Intimacy: Today, I was letting my boyfriend of 4 years tie me up and do... - FML

By chanclepants - France

Today, I was letting my boyfriend of 4 years tie me up and do stuff to me. After finishing on my face, he then left. My parents had to untie me. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Trip Advisor says no

Ideal first date

By Stressed dad

Today, my wife's water broke so I drove her to the hospital. After 16 hours without labor, I went home to get a little sleep. Four hours later I got the call and ran outside to find that my car was towed from my parking space. FML

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By shadowsorel - United States - Chicago

Today, I have a cold, and was stuck sleeping in bed. My roommate decided to wake me up by sticking headphones in my ears and playing heavy metal on full volume. This is the third time this week. FML

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By prettyinpurple - United States

Today, I was in a car accident. After screaming at the woman for running into me, I got in my car and drove off. As I was driving away, I was staring her down when I ended up rear ending the person in front of me. FML

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By dan - Canada

Today, to my surprise my girlfriend said, "I've never felt this way before." We have been dating for six months, and I knew that I loved her, so I replied, "Me neither, I love you." There was a long awkward pause. Turns out, she was talking about her abnormally painful period cramps. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, something in my shoe was bothering me at work. After about 30 minutes, I finally had a chance to fix it. There was a squashed lizard in my shoe. FML

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By Gg - United Kingdom

Today, I bust my lip when a car bumped into mine. As I headed home, I was stopped by the police who told me my back light was out. I tried to explain, but it just came out as "fghjiljh" because of my lip. I was arrested on suspicion of drinking and driving. FML

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By James - United States

Today, my neighbor installed a large radio that loudly plays Christmas music 24/7. When I called in a complaint to the police department they told me to, "get in the Christmas spirit." FML

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By sadcinderella - United States

Today, I spent my day alone while my parents and siblings were at school and work. Trying to be helpful, I cleaned out the fridge, did 5 loads of laundry, worked outside, fed the pets and made dinner for the entire family. The evening was spent hearing complaints of how wrong I did everything. FML

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By beatricesank - Canada

Today, I was straightening my hair when I heard this crunching, sizzling sound. Taking the flat iron away, I realized that I had just fused a spider to my hair with the heat. FML

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By ineedsleep - Finland - J?rvenp

Today, I found out that there's a very loud and frisky couple living above my bedroom, and a family with a crying baby living above my living room. At this rate, I'll end up sleeping in the bathtub in my own home. FML

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By RobotUnicorn1209 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I got in trouble for punching my sister. Apparently, it still counts if it's in Minecraft and she looked like she was going to steal my stuff. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Brampton

Today, I got into a fistfight with a complete idiot wearing a panda outfit. My face now looks like a real panda's. FML

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By abonde29

Today, I got a text from my cousin saying he's gay. I was thrilled and told him I'm bisexual. He later texted me saying that his friend took his phone and said that. He also told all of our relatives. I accidentally came out to my family. FML

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By blah - France

Today, it's officially been two weeks since I found out I have mono. It's also been two weeks since anyone has visited me, called me, or even emailed me. The real kicker? I'm now fired from my job because they can't believe I can have mono twice in one year. I guess I'm just lucky that way. FML

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By Anonymous

Mess incoming

Today, my apartment management notified me that my water was going to be shut off all day so they could fix the plumbing. I took a laxative last night. FML

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By fishruinsex

Today, I was messing around in my boyfriend's pants while watching TV. He was totally absorbed in the fishing show that was on. When the guy lost a fish, he got so disappointed that he became completely flaccid. FML

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By StantheMan93 - United States - Perrysburg

Today, my wife's boyfriend learned that you can't flush condoms. FML

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By BK2017 - United States - Orlando

Today, after an extremely stressful day, I took a hot bath when I got home. I used my little sister's bubble bath to make it more enjoyable and relaxing. I then broke out in hives. I guess I'm allergic to bubble bath. FML

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By raspberrysachere

Today, I was in yoga class. We were in downward-facing dog pose, and the male instructor stood behind me and gave me an assist/adjustment by pulling upward on my hips. As I left the class, I realized that was the most intimate touch I've ever received from a man. I'm a 25-year-old straight woman. FML

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By cheated - United States

Today, I came home from a weekend trip with some friends, and walked straight in on my girlfriend cheating on me. She burst into tears and began apologizing. Her exact words were "I'm so sorry! I thought you were coming back tomorrow." FML

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By Carmen - United States

Today, I painted an area I had carefully sanded, cleaned, and taped off. I pulled a fan out of the closet to help dry it faster. I turned the fan on, and a million dust particles flew off onto the wet paint. FML

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By oops - United States

Today, I was working at my job as cashier. This really attractive girl that comes in walked in, so I mustered up the courage to ask her out, by writing my number on a dollar bill. She pays and a dollar is her change. I go to hand her the money when she sees it and says, "Keep the change". FML

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By ooops - United States

Today, I was driving into a parking lot with some friends. I carelessly passed a sign when my friend said, "Wait what did that sign say?" I backed up to read it and guess what it said: "Severe Tire Damage. Do Not Back Up." Now all 4 of my tires are slashed. FML

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By eddiemusicjazz - United States - Azusa

Today, a week after I lost my wallet, replaced the majority of my ID cards, canceled my debit card, and went to the DMV and paid for a replacement driver's license, I found my wallet. It was in my shoe. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started speaking gibberish in the middle of the conversation with my mom to see if she would notice. She didn't. FML

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By maryfaithh - United States

Today, I tried to open a can with a potato peeler. For a minute I forgot what a can opener looked like. FML

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By ticket - United Kingdom

Today, I got a ticket for having my brights on. The street was pitch black and it was 1:30 in the morning. FML

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By nycplywood - United States

Today, I learned that if you stare at your cat and her eyes suddenly get really big, it means she's going to maul your face. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, I finally finished vacuuming my downstairs. Instead of finding the wall outlet and unplugging the vacuum, I triumphantly tugged the cord from across the room to release the plug from the wall. It flew at me at top speed and hit me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was meeting my husband's old friends at his 20 year high school reunion. He introduced me as his 'friend from work' to his ex girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I broke my dominant hand. My teacher insists we hand-write our essays. I called and asked if it was okay for me to type up the essays. She said no. I have two essays due tomorrow, which count for half my grade. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I went to the restroom to pee. A loud fart exploded out of my ass and echoed in the toilet bowl. I could practically feel my face on fire when I saw the horrified look on a little girl's face as I walked out. FML

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By can't sleep - United States - Crown Point

Today, my mother taught my 98-year-old great-uncle to knock on the wall if he needs us. He can't remember who we are, but every hour he can remember to knock to ask, "Is it breakfast yet?" FML

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By nottrustworthy - United States

Today, my wife of seven years told me that she doesn't trust me with dog-sitting her dog while she leaves to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's with her family. She ended up calling someone she "trusts" to take care of her dog while I spend the holidays by myself. FML

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By Anonymous - Austria - Vienna

Today, I had so much to do, I didn't know where to start. So I didn't. FML

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By TomPom - France

Today, in one of the corridors at university, I was pretending to have passionate sex with one of my lecturers to make my mates laugh. She happened to walk by just at that moment. She reminded me when my next exam is; she will be marking me. FML

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By katrina2d - United States - Vancouver

Today, my dad and I were having a conversation about boneless chicken. He told me that they are raised boneless, going into detail, and I bought every word of it. Not until he started laughing did I realize how gullible I really am. I'm 22. FML

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By nothing - United States

Today, I went bowling. The guy at the lane next to us was bowling by himself and had a few of his own bowling balls, and he had one that looked like a yin-yang and it looked very cool spinning down the lane into the pins. Not really thinking, I casually said to him "Hey, I like your balls." FML

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By badhairday - United States

Today, was a nice day, so I opened the sunroof and all the windows in my car. My hair started flying around and at one point it went out the sunroof. My friends thought it would be funny to close my hair in the sunroof. They laughed until they couldn't open it up again. It short-circuited. FML

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By popemichael - United States

Today, I was showing my unique new tattoo to my friends when a man approaches me with his digital camera and asks if he could take a picture of the tattoo for his website. I agreed. I find out later that it's a site about ugly tattoos. FML

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Top comments

By shmikey | 0

#802635 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:23

a sticky situation...

By azurablade | 0

#802611 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:16

lol

COMMENTS

By azurablade | 0

#802611 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:16

lol

Reply

Horney4her69 | 0

#802766 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 21:06

yup, lol

Reply

daniel1_1 | 13

#802878 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 21:55

hahaha lol FYL OP

Reply

White667 | 0

#802901 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 22:03

Hahahahhahahaa... That is brilliant.

Reply

crazy_bitch_9999 | 0

#803009 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 22:56

that sucks

Reply

Snoop13 | 0

#803632 - Thursday 28 January 2010 3:20

awsome ! lol

Reply

GameDub | 0

#803741 - Thursday 28 January 2010 4:01

yeahhh bet that was hard for them lol

Reply

lmfao1643 | 3

#803930 - Thursday 28 January 2010 5:13

My. bad i ran when your parents got home. why did you fml this? by the way were through. and try deuching you smell

Reply

RaKum12 | 0

#803939 - Thursday 28 January 2010 5:15

lol, that scks ass 4 u

Reply

okeetard | 2

#804503 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:08

wow ur cool

Reply

martial42 | 0

#804735 - Thursday 28 January 2010 14:58

I hope he cums bac lol

Reply

navigate | 0

#804764 - Thursday 28 January 2010 15:17

learn how to spell before you try being funny.

Reply

wandaax03 | 0

#805490 - Thursday 28 January 2010 22:55

174: I think it was supposed to be a play on words.

Reply

RevengeOnYou | 0

#805749 - Friday 29 January 2010 0:27

ROFL! i bet ur parents were like: "I knew this was gonna happen" :D

Reply

Phil_McCracken | 0

#810478 - Saturday 30 January 2010 22:25

191: 174 misspelled back, not cums. that was the problem.

Reply

chromeLegend | 0

#819574 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 23:33

gmjdxv

Reply

chloe2114 | 4

#830425 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:06

ew,that's wrong.why wud he leave.

Reply

rap33r100 | 0

#833830 - Monday 8 February 2010 6:28

cum means jizz dumbass

Reply

lucifer69_fml | 0

#840260 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 6:13

LITERALLY

Reply

lucifer69_fml | 0

#840269 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 6:16

(replying to #118)

Reply

defsdgdh | 4

#840380 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 7:05

omg best fml ever. better then the throwing rocks at a hobo one!

Reply

ipodhacker11208 | 0

#861892 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 14:32

lmfao wowwwwe lolcrofmlao that sucks wat did they say

Reply

JAT070 | 0

#874075 - Saturday 20 February 2010 2:18

that's so hot
what's ur number;)

Reply

Yankeepunk | 0

#891075 - Thursday 25 February 2010 12:45

yea why the fuck did he leave??? What a dick. I mean im laughing my ass off!!! but ewwww imagine the smell of sperm on your face all that time. yuuuck. take a long shower and break up

Reply

sickyo | 0

#923541 - Monday 8 March 2010 2:20

ur the bf?

Reply

eagleclaw58 | 0

#973831 - Sunday 4 April 2010 5:05

129 yur a fag shure your her girlfriend faggot

Reply

LoadFasterPage | 0

#1126052 - Friday 23 July 2010 0:29

agreed^

Reply

soul_fml | 0

#1177321 - Monday 2 August 2010 15:30

ur bf is a bamf

By sparkey0127 | 0

#802615 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:18

he's dead haha

Reply

The_Norwegian | 2

#803552 - Thursday 28 January 2010 2:38

Did your dad start makin' out with you? 

Reply

xlostwithoutu | 0

#803571 - Thursday 28 January 2010 2:51

Lmao thats nasty 

Reply

s_jay7 | 0

#804278 - Thursday 28 January 2010 8:11

lol

Reply

BbyLenuh | 0

#808969 - Saturday 30 January 2010 6:34

eww

Reply

caper1234 | 0

#816525 - Monday 1 February 2010 21:24

that's hot OP. need a new man?

Reply

AlesanaLTL | 0

#1186387 - Wednesday 4 August 2010 8:26

wtffffffffffff

By delco714 | 0

#802623 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:20

omg. yep omfg

Reply

bcubed | 0

#841373 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 16:41

This is a great FML lol. your parents had to untie you with a load of come on your face lmao

By aaronsko | 0

#802624 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:20

awkward much? :P

By Scrantoncity | 0

#802632 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:22

hot

Reply

ForestFire0 | 1

#803161 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 23:52

seconded

Reply

maxwayt | 0

#803291 - Thursday 28 January 2010 0:49

thirded

Reply

oogyboogy | 6

#803528 - Thursday 28 January 2010 2:28

forthded

Reply

SeeBrendenBurn | 0

#803576 - Thursday 28 January 2010 2:51

fifthed

Reply

Frank_Sinatra | 0

#803627 - Thursday 28 January 2010 3:18

sexted

Reply

nood_fml | 0

#803703 - Thursday 28 January 2010 3:49

ermmm.....lasted?

Reply

EastonxStealth | 0

#803871 - Thursday 28 January 2010 4:51

if I could count I would be the one after that one^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^•^^^^^^^^^^^^^¥^^^^€^%^%^^*

Reply

Alex373 | 0

#803992 - Thursday 28 January 2010 5:36

seconded : P

Reply

stewie1744 | 0

#804032 - Thursday 28 January 2010 5:51

damn straight lmao

Reply

chloe2114 | 4

#830434 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:09

thirded

Reply

hsshae | 0

#849289 - Friday 12 February 2010 20:50

I came to this fml

Reply

billsfan1492 | 0

#988976 - Friday 7 May 2010 5:13

whatever the last # was plus 1

By shmikey | 0

#802635 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:23

a sticky situation...

Reply

namnams | 3

#802697 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:38

LOVE IT

Reply

jimsmells67 | 0

#802889 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 21:59

You a funny person

Reply

SusanaSaysRawrxD | 0

#804266 - Thursday 28 January 2010 7:57

lmao. yes.

Reply

fsite5 | 0

#804537 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:31

LOL made my day!

Reply

BrownSugar_fml | 5

#805042 - Thursday 28 January 2010 18:46

lmao clever

By devildog42787 | 0

#802636 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:23

that's great he should get a medal for that

Reply

gallaeo | 21

#5591146 - Sunday 21 July 2013 21:29

Lmao, a medal? I guess it would be something to remember her by because I damn sure doubt he'll ever get to sleep with her again after that.

Reply

lusitania_fml | 11

#5882763 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 8:15

I think posts like these should read: "my now ex-boyfriend.."

By osnapp55 | 0

#802641 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:24

hahahahhahahaahhahahahahagagaha

By infiniti_G | 0

#802644 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:24

SORRY BABE MY OTHER GF CALLED

Reply

iloveloosy12 | 0

#802682 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:34

hahaha

By Trixies100 | 0

#802648 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:25

haha I bet you thought you was gonna get some o and did ur mom and dad ask how u got tide up

Reply

Frank_Sinatra | 0

#803631 - Thursday 28 January 2010 3:20

And did they notice the sugar water on your face?

Reply

mizzleshizzle | 0

#803773 - Thursday 28 January 2010 4:09

actually it's salty not sugary

Reply

lovesick4628 | 0

#811804 - Sunday 31 January 2010 6:46

ew... that's nasty that you know the flavor and is/are (I dunno the correct grammar here) to someone's sarcasm...

Reply

babyseacow | 2

#1231125 - Thursday 12 August 2010 20:48

Actually, 121, semen is made up of sugar and protein, about 90%. So, although you make think that it tastes salty it really is, in essence, sugar water.

Reply

noahmg10 | 5

#3083490 - Thursday 11 August 2011 7:07

come on that's just common knowledge ahha:)

Reply

gallaeo | 21

#5591148 - Sunday 21 July 2013 21:31

Sweet nectar of the balls. Breakfast of the champions?