Intimacy: Today, I was letting my boyfriend of 4 years tie me up and do... - FML

By chanclepants - France

Today, I was letting my boyfriend of 4 years tie me up and do stuff to me. After finishing on my face, he then left. My parents had to untie me. FML

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BO Central

One-sided

Compassionate

By lostlove - United States

Today, I was trying to find my first message on Facebook. When I was reaching the bottom, I saw a message from my old crush. It contained a paragraph confessing her love for me and asking me to write back. Don't know how I missed that one. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, my 9 year old nephew found his way onto my iTunes. I now have 401 songs titled "aidfj3P" by "ffjiel". FML

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By Violet - Australia

Today, I realised that what I had thought was my dad's default state for the past 17 years is actually his drunken state. FML

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By Sky

Today, since my parents always told me that I was welcome to come home whenever I want or need, I decided to stop by. They'd changed the locks and wouldn't let me in. FML

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By MI3 - United States - Oakland

Today, I had to explain to my neighbor that not all black people are lactose intolerant. His eyes still bulge out every time I eat cheese. FML

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By idiot - United States

Today, I was house sitting by myself and I texted my mom saying how thankful I was that she was trusting me and not checking up on me. That night I threw a party at the house. My mom showed up to check on me because my text was "suspicious". FML

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By asianlover - Finland

Today, I introduced my first serious boyfriend to my mother over dinner. He is Asian. My mom insisted on calling him "Ching Chong". His name is Kevin. FML

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By sicktomystomach - United States

Today, during lunch at school, a wave of nausea came over me. I ran to the bathroom and made it just in time. As I was throwing up, I set off the toilet's automatic flush and my vomit came flying back into my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Taunton

Today, I started to tell my step-dad about a funny video I came across online last night. He cut me off by saying "Yeah? Well I came across your mom's face last night!" then left for work with a shit-eating grin on his face. I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing that. FML

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By sunburychick - Australia

Today, I realised that the man who I wanted to be with, the man who wanted to be with me, and my husband were three different people. FML

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By RyloGhyst - United States - Killeen

Today, after putting the same load of laundry through the wash four times, I was wondering why my clothes kept smelling worse and worse. Turns out, my cat learned how to open and pee in the detergent funnel. FML

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By Eyesore - United States

Today, I was walking back to my home in the city in the dark. I'm paranoid, so when I saw movement behind me I clutched my mace. The faster I walked, the closer the person seemed to be. I spun around and sprayed my attacker with mace. It was my shadow and the wind blew the mace back into eyes. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I dropped my blackberry, but thanks to the protective gel case that I just purchased for it... it bounced and fell right into a sidewalk drainage sewer. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2021 15:01 - Canada - Edmonton

Sore loser

Today, after graduating from the same program, I was offered several jobs, while my boyfriend wasn’t. He couldn’t be happy for me, saying, "She got in with the right people, and they just keep handing her jobs," and dismissing my work ethic. FML

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By thelunarwolf

Today, while trying to have a serious conversation with my husband about his drug use over text, he came home. Drunk. FML

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By Moanie - United States

Today, my parents were taking a tour of my apartment when my bird started making noises. It was mimicking my moans from when I was having sex yesterday. It was screaming in my voice, very noticeably. FML

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By HughGorgy - Canada

Today, after sex with my girlfriend, I thought it would be sexy to wear her underwear until we saw each other again. I found a pair in her bathroom, but they definitely weren't her sexy ones. Her mom walked in on me to collect the laundry and screeched "What are you doing with my panties!" FML

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By DisgustingCreatures - United States - Houston

Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML

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By halliemarie1818 - United States

Today, at work at a farm, we got a new calf. It looked like it had to poop, but was having difficulty. About four hours later it still hadn't pooped. Turns out it was born without an actual butthole. It was there, just sealed up by skin. I literally had to cut this poor calf a new butthole. FML

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By first time at McDonald's in months... - United States

Today, I was at McDonald's. As I left the counter with the food, I heard the cashier mutter, "Fat ass." I turned around and demanded to see the manager. Once he came and heard the situation, he looked at me and said, "Well, it's not like he's wrong, right?" FML

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By fatty - United States - Madison

Today, I was chatting with the cute new receptionist at the gym. I told her that I would be going there more if she was there. She looked me up and down and said that I should go regardless. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was making one of those microwavable pizza kits. Realizing I had no crushed red pepper to put on it, my mom suggested using a chili pepper she had dried. Thinking it was a great idea, I cracked it open on my pizza and out popped some fuzzy white mold and two maggots. FML

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By Nola

Today, my fiancé got his associate degree in the mail. Wanting to surprise him when he got home, I opened it to display it before going out to buy groceries. His dog got a hold of his degree and shredded it to pieces. FML

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By SMV - France

Today, my company was having a huge party. I got to work dressed in my best outfit. At the the lunch break my boss told me, "You really missed out on something yesterday, it was great fun!" FML

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By moneyman

But I'm a man

Today, I went on a date with a beautiful woman I had recently met. Great food, great conversation, and a great connection. That is, until she revealed that she is a lesbian. FML

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By L0L59

Today, I got my braces checked by another orthodontist since I've had them for years and my teeth never got the way they should be. After 8 years and 27 x-ray exams, my orthodontist didn't do much except loosen the root of the tooth to the point where I can move it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ontario

Today, I spent half an hour trying to convince my husband not to re-enact a video he saw online of a guy tying some rope to a running chainsaw, then swinging it around his head. He finally agreed not to do something so stupid. A few hours later, he did it anyway. FML

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By promdump - United States

Today, I went to visit my Grandmother, accidentally leaving my phone home during the weekend. When I got back I had 2 texts from my crush. One saying "I want to take the most beautiful girl to prom, go with me?" and the other saying, "Fine fattie, I'll ask someone else." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Worth

Today, one of my nostrils became completely blocked. At lunch time, I went out to my car to dig into my nose. When I finished, I held up the cornflake sized booger in victory. I noticed too late that my boss was in a car adjacent to me, shooting me a horrified look. FML

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By RatCityChick - United States - Bellevue

Today, my grandmother said she's noticed that I've been very angry lately. She came to the conclusion that I "haven't been laid enough" and my boyfriend is "not doing his job." Thanks Grandma. FML

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By Anonymous

The Spectacular Spider-Thief

Today, I went to a comic shop to celebrate Free Comic Book Day. A guy in a really nice Spider-Man costume showed up, so I asked and got a selfie with him on my way out. When I got home, I realized my wallet was missing from my back pocket. I was robbed by Spider-Man. FML

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By coffee - United States

Today, while getting out of Starbucks there was a homeless guy. I bought him a coffee and he was so happy he gave me a hug. Guess whose wallet is missing? FML

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By FuckPollen - United Kingdom - Hartlepool

Today, I attended a work interview. My hay fever has been flaring up during the hot weather, causing my throat to swell up and make me short of breath, which I explained. The woman interviewing me told me I was unsuccessful, as customers wouldn't be able to understand someone with my 'disability'. FML

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By Jules - 25/4/2021 00:30

Get your vaccinations if you can

Today, we’re supposed to check people’s temperatures before their COVID vaccination. The thermometers don’t work, though. We’re told to just press the on-off-button twice, so they make the same beep-beep sound as if they were functioning to make people feel safe. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Luis Rey

Today, while visiting family, we went to a restaurant to eat. Towards the end of the meal, I went to use the restroom. When I came back, everyone was gone. Everyone had actually gotten into their cars and left without me. I have no idea where I am and no one is answering their phone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bessemer

Today, I announced my pregnancy to my husband. He responded with, "Well shit, when do these faucets turn on?" and started honking my boobs. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil

Today, I had a going-away party because I am leaving the country forever. Out of the 130 people invited, 60 were a resounding "Yes! of course I will go!". After paying $300 for everything needed at the party, 2 ended up coming. And left because nobody else was there. FML

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By ElizaWy

Today, I celebrated my fifteen-week anniversary. No, not a relationship anniversary. A migraine anniversary. It won't stop. FML

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By lonewolf2701 - United States

Today, my manager sent me a text message with a picture of Santa masturbating, with a message that said he wished me a white Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, as I was taking the bus home, I sat down next to a man wearing an FML shirt. While snickering I said to him "You totally deserved it." I guess he thought that comment deserved a broken nose. FML

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Top comments

By shmikey | 0

#802635 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:23

a sticky situation...

By azurablade | 0

#802611 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:16

lol

COMMENTS

By azurablade | 0

#802611 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:16

lol

Reply

Horney4her69 | 0

#802766 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 21:06

yup, lol

Reply

daniel1_1 | 13

#802878 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 21:55

hahaha lol FYL OP

Reply

White667 | 0

#802901 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 22:03

Hahahahhahahaa... That is brilliant.

Reply

crazy_bitch_9999 | 0

#803009 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 22:56

that sucks

Reply

Snoop13 | 0

#803632 - Thursday 28 January 2010 3:20

awsome ! lol

Reply

GameDub | 0

#803741 - Thursday 28 January 2010 4:01

yeahhh bet that was hard for them lol

Reply

lmfao1643 | 3

#803930 - Thursday 28 January 2010 5:13

My. bad i ran when your parents got home. why did you fml this? by the way were through. and try deuching you smell

Reply

RaKum12 | 0

#803939 - Thursday 28 January 2010 5:15

lol, that scks ass 4 u

Reply

okeetard | 2

#804503 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:08

wow ur cool

Reply

martial42 | 0

#804735 - Thursday 28 January 2010 14:58

I hope he cums bac lol

Reply

navigate | 0

#804764 - Thursday 28 January 2010 15:17

learn how to spell before you try being funny.

Reply

wandaax03 | 0

#805490 - Thursday 28 January 2010 22:55

174: I think it was supposed to be a play on words.

Reply

RevengeOnYou | 0

#805749 - Friday 29 January 2010 0:27

ROFL! i bet ur parents were like: "I knew this was gonna happen" :D

Reply

Phil_McCracken | 0

#810478 - Saturday 30 January 2010 22:25

191: 174 misspelled back, not cums. that was the problem.

Reply

chromeLegend | 0

#819574 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 23:33

gmjdxv

Reply

chloe2114 | 4

#830425 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:06

ew,that's wrong.why wud he leave.

Reply

rap33r100 | 0

#833830 - Monday 8 February 2010 6:28

cum means jizz dumbass

Reply

lucifer69_fml | 0

#840260 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 6:13

LITERALLY

Reply

lucifer69_fml | 0

#840269 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 6:16

(replying to #118)

Reply

defsdgdh | 4

#840380 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 7:05

omg best fml ever. better then the throwing rocks at a hobo one!

Reply

ipodhacker11208 | 0

#861892 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 14:32

lmfao wowwwwe lolcrofmlao that sucks wat did they say

Reply

JAT070 | 0

#874075 - Saturday 20 February 2010 2:18

that's so hot
what's ur number;)

Reply

Yankeepunk | 0

#891075 - Thursday 25 February 2010 12:45

yea why the fuck did he leave??? What a dick. I mean im laughing my ass off!!! but ewwww imagine the smell of sperm on your face all that time. yuuuck. take a long shower and break up

Reply

sickyo | 0

#923541 - Monday 8 March 2010 2:20

ur the bf?

Reply

eagleclaw58 | 0

#973831 - Sunday 4 April 2010 5:05

129 yur a fag shure your her girlfriend faggot

Reply

LoadFasterPage | 0

#1126052 - Friday 23 July 2010 0:29

agreed^

Reply

soul_fml | 0

#1177321 - Monday 2 August 2010 15:30

ur bf is a bamf

By sparkey0127 | 0

#802615 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:18

he's dead haha

Reply

The_Norwegian | 2

#803552 - Thursday 28 January 2010 2:38

Did your dad start makin' out with you? 

Reply

xlostwithoutu | 0

#803571 - Thursday 28 January 2010 2:51

Lmao thats nasty 

Reply

s_jay7 | 0

#804278 - Thursday 28 January 2010 8:11

lol

Reply

BbyLenuh | 0

#808969 - Saturday 30 January 2010 6:34

eww

Reply

caper1234 | 0

#816525 - Monday 1 February 2010 21:24

that's hot OP. need a new man?

Reply

AlesanaLTL | 0

#1186387 - Wednesday 4 August 2010 8:26

wtffffffffffff

By delco714 | 0

#802623 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:20

omg. yep omfg

Reply

bcubed | 0

#841373 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 16:41

This is a great FML lol. your parents had to untie you with a load of come on your face lmao

By aaronsko | 0

#802624 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:20

awkward much? :P

By Scrantoncity | 0

#802632 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:22

hot

Reply

ForestFire0 | 1

#803161 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 23:52

seconded

Reply

maxwayt | 0

#803291 - Thursday 28 January 2010 0:49

thirded

Reply

oogyboogy | 6

#803528 - Thursday 28 January 2010 2:28

forthded

Reply

SeeBrendenBurn | 0

#803576 - Thursday 28 January 2010 2:51

fifthed

Reply

Frank_Sinatra | 0

#803627 - Thursday 28 January 2010 3:18

sexted

Reply

nood_fml | 0

#803703 - Thursday 28 January 2010 3:49

ermmm.....lasted?

Reply

EastonxStealth | 0

#803871 - Thursday 28 January 2010 4:51

if I could count I would be the one after that one^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^•^^^^^^^^^^^^^¥^^^^€^%^%^^*

Reply

Alex373 | 0

#803992 - Thursday 28 January 2010 5:36

seconded : P

Reply

stewie1744 | 0

#804032 - Thursday 28 January 2010 5:51

damn straight lmao

Reply

chloe2114 | 4

#830434 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:09

thirded

Reply

hsshae | 0

#849289 - Friday 12 February 2010 20:50

I came to this fml

Reply

billsfan1492 | 0

#988976 - Friday 7 May 2010 5:13

whatever the last # was plus 1

By shmikey | 0

#802635 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:23

a sticky situation...

Reply

namnams | 3

#802697 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:38

LOVE IT

Reply

jimsmells67 | 0

#802889 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 21:59

You a funny person

Reply

SusanaSaysRawrxD | 0

#804266 - Thursday 28 January 2010 7:57

lmao. yes.

Reply

fsite5 | 0

#804537 - Thursday 28 January 2010 12:31

LOL made my day!

Reply

BrownSugar_fml | 5

#805042 - Thursday 28 January 2010 18:46

lmao clever

By devildog42787 | 0

#802636 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:23

that's great he should get a medal for that

Reply

gallaeo | 21

#5591146 - Sunday 21 July 2013 21:29

Lmao, a medal? I guess it would be something to remember her by because I damn sure doubt he'll ever get to sleep with her again after that.

Reply

lusitania_fml | 11

#5882763 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 8:15

I think posts like these should read: "my now ex-boyfriend.."

By osnapp55 | 0

#802641 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:24

hahahahhahahaahhahahahahagagaha

By infiniti_G | 0

#802644 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:24

SORRY BABE MY OTHER GF CALLED

Reply

iloveloosy12 | 0

#802682 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:34

hahaha

By Trixies100 | 0

#802648 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:25

haha I bet you thought you was gonna get some o and did ur mom and dad ask how u got tide up

Reply

Frank_Sinatra | 0

#803631 - Thursday 28 January 2010 3:20

And did they notice the sugar water on your face?

Reply

mizzleshizzle | 0

#803773 - Thursday 28 January 2010 4:09

actually it's salty not sugary

Reply

lovesick4628 | 0

#811804 - Sunday 31 January 2010 6:46

ew... that's nasty that you know the flavor and is/are (I dunno the correct grammar here) to someone's sarcasm...

Reply

babyseacow | 2

#1231125 - Thursday 12 August 2010 20:48

Actually, 121, semen is made up of sugar and protein, about 90%. So, although you make think that it tastes salty it really is, in essence, sugar water.

Reply

noahmg10 | 5

#3083490 - Thursday 11 August 2011 7:07

come on that's just common knowledge ahha:)

Reply

gallaeo | 21

#5591148 - Sunday 21 July 2013 21:31

Sweet nectar of the balls. Breakfast of the champions?