Today, I was lectured by a self-professed vegan over my "barbaric" eating habits, in between her scarfing down a tuna fish sandwich. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I got up early in the morning to get a snack, only to walk in on my "vegan" housemate eating a turkey sandwich. This bastard harasses me every other day about my meat-eating, but all he could do after he noticed me was drop the sandwich and claim he'd been sleepwalking. FML
Today, my morbidly obese mother gave me an angry lecture at dinner, saying without any trace of irony that my vegetarian diet is "unhealthy and utterly unacceptable". FML
Today, my daughter came home from school crying hysterically. Apparently, her teacher is a vegan douchebag who told the whole class, "If your family eats meat, they're eating your future!" Now she screams when we eat meat. FML
Today, I had a friend tell me all about how being a vegan was so great. They were eating eggs. FML
Today, I made the mistake of telling my militant vegan coworker I have fond memories of hunting with my dad, which set her off like a tofu-powered grenade. If she doesn’t stop treating me like the devil, making snide comments, and other shit, I may have to go to HR about her. FML
Today, the unhealthiest person I know, weighing in at around 350 pounds told me she was now a vegan. I then told her the Cheese-Itz, as well as the leather boots she was wearing wasn't vegan. She said I was wrong. I'm a nutritionist. FML
Today, my family dragged me to a steakhouse, knowing full well I'm vegan. I sat there, with my sad little salad, watching as they stuffed themselves with burned animal flesh and laughed at me. They wonder why I hate them all. FML
Today, my boss was hosting some client representatives for a meeting and had offered to buy everyone lunch. The "healthy" place he's ordering from made me sick last time, so I'd politely opted out. At lunch, the reps glared at me in the meeting room as I ate my homemade chili con carne. Turns out they're all vegans. FML
Today, I realized I've become a stereotypical militant vegan when I told a friend that we should start raising Lone Star ticks and dropping them around town so we could spread meat allergies and force people to eat vegan. FML
Today, my vegan step-mom found out I ate at McDonald's yesterday. She gave me hell and asked me how it feels to give money to "murderers". All while my dad sat quietly by because he's too whipped to speak his mind. It wasn't even her house a month ago. FML
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Top comments
theninja1800 11
Out of all the types of annoying douchebags in the world, hypocrites are the worst.
xlord 27
Please show her a book to read. It seems that knowledge from reading is become a hipster thing.
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Comments (160)
Cazz91 21
Let the Vegan, Vegetarian and regular eating people wars begin! It's like whale wars but only associated with peoples choice of diets. Did you have a fun debate OP with your new "vegan" friend afterwards?
Anumayis 34
make her some bacon pancakes
thatbaybay 8
Some eat fish and some even eat chicken and just don't eat cow or pig or by-products of either
Jemm_fml 29
That's called being an omnivore who doesn't like red meat. Nice to (m)eat you.
VeganVampyre 27
Yes, some people do, and none of those people are vegan or even vegetarian. They would be pescetarian, pollo-pescetarian, or (as the person above me said) simply omnivore who don't eat certain types of meat but do eat others.
edwardsgrrl 6
They would definitely not be considered vegan. Vegan is no animal products what so ever. Clothing, food, everything...
LissaMccracken 23
Haha, I love when people try to correct others and are wrong. VEGANS DON'T EAT FISSSHHHHH!!!!! Basically, they survive on air. Haha
Jemm_fml 29
I want to frame this comment and hang it in my parlor.
polluxdc 10
I don't get vegans and vegetarians. They are all about protecting the animals, but then they go and eat all the animal's food.
Sonfang 19
It's not always about protecting animals. I was lacto-ovo vegetarian until recently, I added fish, but it had nothing to do with cruelty to animals. In fact most of my family and fiancé's family are hunters and I love to fish. It's a choice, I still cook things like bacon, turkey, and deer I just don't partake in it.
iShanny 13
I wish I had a parlor.
VeganVampyre 27
I completely agree, #10! Also, the mental image I have right now... Priceless. Made my day :D
hellmate 12
does that person know where fish comes from? some people are just that stupid
klong91 7
Seems like she doesn't know what it means to be a Vegan.
worldclassrager 41
Fish is sometimes neutral for some vegans...but either way facts being straight is a good thing...