Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend, who was driving down... - FML

By Felicityfrank - 1/5/2014 14:17 - Australia - Glen Iris

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend, who was driving down the highway with the windows down. All of a sudden, everything went black. A cattle truck had sped past, and I had been hit by cow faeces travelling at 110km an hour. My boyfriend was hysterical. None of it hit him. FML

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Proactive

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Not a cheating!

By Anonymous - 24/8/2012 21:10 - United Kingdom - Walsall

Today, a baseball bat fell on my head while my boyfriend and I were cuddling. The same baseball bat that he keeps next to the bed, because he genuinely fears a zombie outbreak. FML

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By why mom - 2/8/2016 23:52

Today, my straight, white, Christian stepmother greeted my black friend with, "Hey my n****a!" He hasn't talked to me since. FML

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By notfatanymore - 13/11/2011 20:50 - Germany

Today, the guy I've recently started seeing confided that he's relieved I'm on the heavier side, and that he has a thing for watching chubby women eat. I just reached my ideal weight after losing 40 pounds. FML

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By noosher0990 - 18/2/2010 00:30

Today, I found out that my neighbor gets more pleasure out of me and my husband having it off then I do. FML

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By never again - 30/11/2019 01:00 - United States - Bakersfield

A real orgasm

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I like, but I had to pee really bad. It got really wet down there, and he thought I squirted. I peed everywhere. I let him believe he made me squirt. FML

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By theassman - 11/3/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. I minimized the porn on my laptop so she wouldn't see I was watching it. It turns out I was watching an old Beatles concert before I started masturbating. My mom thought I was masturbating to the Beatles. FML

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By college student - 23/4/2017 10:00 - United States - College Park

Today, at 12, I went for a run across campus.‬ Why? I'd realized my 12:30 exam was actually at 12.‬ ‪FML

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By Alicia - 21/1/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have sex for the first time. Not only did he struggle for five minutes to put on a condom (repeatedly snapping himself in the balls), but he then had to ask me "which hole" to put it in. I'm dating a thirty-four year old virgin. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2020 14:00

Let it mellow

Today, my 5-year-old got carsick and lost his breakfast all over himself and the back seat. When I got home to clean him off and clean out the car, I discovered that construction workers hit a main water line while working on road expansion at the front of my neighborhood. We won’t have running water until 4 a.m. FML

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By Brian - 20/11/2012 15:50 - United States - Sandston

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house having dinner with her and her parents. I was casually playing footsie with my girlfriend under the table, until her mom stopped eating and said, "You know that's my foot, right?" FML

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By Depressedegg - 8/3/2017 18:00

He can run, but he can't hide!

Today, my toddler realised that my pregnancy means I can't move easily anymore. He celebrated his freedom by doing everything he's not allowed to, and staying just outside my reach at all times. He loves his new game, and it looks like he's not going to stop anytime soon. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2009 00:17 - Canada

Today, I lost my $100 in cash that I had to use to pay my phone bill. As a result, my phone got cut off and I miss an important call for an apartment that I was looking at. When I went to work I heard my boss saying how lucky she was to find $100 in cash. FML

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By DayamyWuzHere - 24/11/2009 22:47 - United States

Today, some girl punched me in the face and left a huge purple bruise. Apparently her boyfriend has been cheating on her with me because she always sees him walking me home. Her boyfriend is my older brother who didn't bother telling her who I was because "he wanted to see what she would do." FML

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By SummerJob - 6/9/2012 16:51

Today, it's day two of my two-month summer job on a Mediterranean cruise ship. I'm incredibly seasick, and the ship is still docked. FML

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By Trash - 21/1/2009 14:23 - France

Today, a girl was coming on to me throughout an entire concert, giving me drinks. At the end of the evening, she gave me her MSN address so that we could do other things together. Thanks to all the drinks I'd had, I forgot her address. FML

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By Screamslikeagirl - 27/9/2016 19:17 - United States - Union City

Today, there must have been a wasp clinging to my front door because when I walked outside, it dropped between my glasses and my face and began stinging me all around my eye. I don't know if my eye is more swollen from the stings or from me repeatedly punching myself in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2013 22:30 - United States - Auburn

Today, my neighbor finally password-protected his wifi. Right in the middle of my timed, online exam. FML

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By sdasdflkjas - 30/5/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, while the kid I was babysitting was in the bathroom, he called to me "I need some help in here." Worried I ran to the bathroom and asked him what was wrong. He needed me to wipe his butt. As if that weren't gross enough, just as my hand was under his butt, he pooped again and laughed. FML

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By angry - 28/6/2009 21:05 - United States

Today, I went to go get a new ID because my wallet was stolen, which had my social security card in it as well. I found out that to get your ID you have to have your social security card, and to get your social security card, you need your ID. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I'm 19 years old and, having never been on a date, I agreed to let my friend set me up. He was adorable, young, with blond hair and blue eyes...and 4 years old. My friend tricked me into babysitting. FML

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By - 23/1/2020 01:00

Favorite child

Today, I heard that my mom is coming back from France, where my brother lives. I have lived in the same place, exactly 45 minutes from my mother, for 6 years. She hasn't visited me once, but has been out of state to see my sibling. FML

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By Jared - 25/2/2012 19:09 - United States

Today, I got so bored that I drew a face on my index finger, and made a video of me garrotting it with a string. I ended up rupturing a blood vessel, and had to think up a cover story for my girlfriend to explain my screaming. FML

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By shmelly - 16/4/2010 04:03 - United States

Today, as my boyfriend was unbuttoning my pants to go down on me, he looked at me and said in his best robot voice, "caution, contents may be stinky." FML

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By volleyballgirl - 28/2/2010 01:11 - United States

Today, at my volleyball tournament I was extremely pumped to start playing so I went to take my sweats off and everybody began to stare at me then I looked down to come to realize I had no spandex on, just a thong. FML

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By Hornymuch - 2/11/2012 11:35 - Germany

Today, I realized why it's a bad idea to store your business cards and your "emergency condom" in the same handbag compartment. I realized this after a client watched me miss the cards and pull out the condom after our lunch meeting. FML

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By helpme - 24/11/2015 06:34 - United States - Annapolis

Today, my anxiety cockblocked me. I was in the middle of a wank, about to come, when I suddenly freaked out and had to stop and check to make sure I didn't have any homework due tomorrow. FML

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By sotired - 5/3/2013 19:58 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, my neighbour's puppy has developed separation anxiety. Every time my neighbour leaves for work, the puppy constantly whines and barks until he gets home. He works night shifts. FML

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By Eternal Servitude - 2/5/2015 16:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom decided to have a get together at my house while I was at work. When I came home, she pulled me aside and asked me to pretend to be her maid. FML

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By Parent - 8/4/2018 23:00 - United States - Elkhart

Today, being a divorced dad, I had a very important job opportunity for which I would be gone overnight. When I returned, I found my son locked in his room while the babysitter was having sex with a man in my bed. FML

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By russty - 17/1/2010 17:45 - United States

Today, I walked to my car to find a window smashed in. Lucky for me, nothing was stolen. It did, however, rain all morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2014 21:18 - United Kingdom - Ilkeston

Today, I got rear-ended because my ultra-clingy girlfriend wouldn't let go of my hand long enough for me to shift gears. FML

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By xorenae - 27/3/2015 08:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had an interview for an office job. As a requirement, I had to show up dressed for the job. My friend has worked there for years and told me it was casual dress. I wore jeans and a blouse. Everyone else had on business suits. Obviously my friend doesn't know what casual means. FML

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By music man - 25/2/2012 00:50 - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend of two years that I love her. She replied, "Um, I don't mean to be rude, but can you just shut up?" FML

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By ShylaMarie - 14/2/2012 22:29 - Canada

Today, I had to chase my naked brothers around my house for twenty minutes, trying to get them to take a bath, all while they were chasing my best friend around yelling, "IT'S WIENER TIME!" FML

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By Teeny - 5/5/2018 05:00

gross

Today, my creepy co-worker informed me that he was going to stick his "peeny-weeny" in my "teeny-vageeny". FML

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By troll of a gran - 8/1/2013 17:10 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I took my grandma to what I thought was a nice movie. An actor used the word "cunt", which prompted her to ask what that word meant in a loud "whisper". She followed up even more loudly with, "Does that mean pussy?" FML

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By Heethersays - 3/7/2009 03:06 - United States

Today, I went to the gym to lift weights because my arm muscles are pathetic. In order to use a machine, I needed to pull out a knob to adjust the seat setting. After an embarassing struggle, a worker came over and helped me. Turns out I'm not even strong enough to adjust the seat settings. FML

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By meowmeow - 21/9/2010 04:38 - Australia

Today, I noticed my kitten was growling and twitching in his sleep. I tried to wake him up by gently prodding him. He responded by waking up and attacking my face. FML

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By Monty Python's Flying Circus - 19/5/2017 04:00

Today, it's been three weeks since my son found my old red dress and hat outfit in the attic, and like every day since then, he has been putting it on and bursting into rooms without warning and shouting, "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" He's almost 18 and going to college in September. FML

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By [email protected] - 25/2/2009 07:42 - Canada

Today, I forgot my work clothes at home so my boss gave me a jacket with a name patch that said "Mike". Still wearing my work clothes I ran into my ex-girlfriend on my way home. We were together for five years until she dumped me for a guy name Mike. FML

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Top comments

By traviscool | 12

#5931946 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:24

Well that's a load of shit!

By Fuaaad1994 | 31

#5931951 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:25

He wouldn't be laughing after you give him one big hug

COMMENTS

By traviscool | 12

#5931946 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:24

Well that's a load of shit!

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5932031 - Thursday 1 May 2014 20:22

Talk about a blackout. Shit must've really gone with the wind...

Reply

feelingold | 18

#5932058 - Thursday 1 May 2014 20:52

Mmm. Facial. ....I bet if some celebrity said it cured wrinkles, people would pay thousands for it....

Reply

Blackhawk706 | 23

#5932240 - Friday 2 May 2014 1:05

Bullshit!

Reply

citytown | 5

#5932243 - Friday 2 May 2014 1:09

Yeah, I bet OP had a cow!

Reply

crystalxa | 35

#5932791 - Friday 2 May 2014 15:10

That is firggin hilarious! It probably wasn't fun trying to wash that out of your hair! Hopefully your bf is gonna get his car detailed after that!

Reply

kalinka07 | 5

#5933190 - Friday 2 May 2014 23:30

OP shouldn't be sad that none of it hit her boyfriend. He was the one driving...

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5933410 - Saturday 3 May 2014 4:56

Boom! Headshot!...

Reply

Adm_Twigs | 19

#5933460 - Saturday 3 May 2014 6:10

this thread along with this FML is a new favorite!

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#5933601 - Saturday 3 May 2014 11:03

Shit got real with this one.

Reply

traviscool | 12

#5933970 - Saturday 3 May 2014 20:11

I bet she didn't facepalm though

By abhi95 | 31

#5931948 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:24

Well.. Are you sure it was a cow? Or did a bull just bullshit you?

Reply

Rainhawk94 | 27

#5932016 - Thursday 1 May 2014 20:08

Does it matter

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5932034 - Thursday 1 May 2014 20:25

No one gives a flying shit...

Reply

OysterPearls | 33

#5932130 - Thursday 1 May 2014 22:39

It's a good think your profile picture is already facepalming you.

Reply

randompizzaguy | 17

#5932136 - Thursday 1 May 2014 22:41

this comment was shittier than the fml.

By zadrvzrjlzamfj | 11

#5931950 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:25

oooohh my god!! that shits big time!!....hope u got your boyfriend to clean you up...only then he would understand...

By Fuaaad1994 | 31

#5931951 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:25

He wouldn't be laughing after you give him one big hug

Reply

SunTzu2 | 9

#5932055 - Thursday 1 May 2014 20:48

The perfect move!!!!
Nice one :-))

Reply

Yeshua_fml | 19

#5932169 - Thursday 1 May 2014 23:13

I think she meant he was going crazy. Like in shock. Not laughing.

Reply

iAlissa | 34

#5932186 - Thursday 1 May 2014 23:41

87, I'm assuming she meant laughing hysterically, to be honest.

Reply

Yeshua_fml | 19

#5932236 - Friday 2 May 2014 0:59

You have to mention laughter though. Otherwise it becomes hysteria. ("He was hysterical." = "He went bat-shit.")

Reply

sweetnsourrr | 11

#5932252 - Friday 2 May 2014 1:22

#97 I am pretty sure the OP meant he was laughing his ass off.
hysterical means uncontrollable emotion or fear which means it could mean any emotion, laughing is an emotion.
OP was definitely implying he was laughing, not upset..

Reply

forthewynne | 18

#5932269 - Friday 2 May 2014 1:39

It could really go either way. OP's comment after that, which says that none of it got on him, could also imply that he was freaking out when none of it even got on him, but got all over OP.

Reply

thisguy22 | 33

#5932287 - Friday 2 May 2014 2:00

Laughing is an action. Joy or amusement would be the accompanying emotion depending on the situation... But I digress.

Reply

mclovin22897 | 15

#5932341 - Friday 2 May 2014 2:57

my guess is her boyfriend is laughing because he thought it was funny.

Reply

nurchok | 15

#5937342 - Wednesday 7 May 2014 9:11

One big hug and a French kiss would teach him a lesson...

By gauravkunwar | 12

#5931952 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:26

hahahaha..... so much accuracy!

oh... sorry for the laugh. FYL

Reply

Joshwarrior | 38

#5931967 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:30

More like they just carpet bombed her lol

Reply

Redoxx_fml | 22

#5932071 - Thursday 1 May 2014 21:12

What and what ?

Reply

Joshwarrior | 38

#5932219 - Friday 2 May 2014 0:46

I'm assuming he meant the cows had accuracy. Carpet bombing an area just hits a whole are without much accuracy. Military term

Reply

Soulsbane96_fml | 11

#5932480 - Friday 2 May 2014 7:07

Her boyfriend didn't get hit, meaning it didn't hit a wide area. Thus your carpet bombing assessment doesn't work.

Reply

Joshwarrior | 38

#5932585 - Friday 2 May 2014 8:42

Touché (:

By superjewguy | 19

#5931954 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:26

that's a stinky situation

Reply

mb2_native | 15

#5932023 - Thursday 1 May 2014 20:13

I knew these shitty puns were gunna bomb through the comments.

Reply

that1guy35 | 3

#5932096 - Thursday 1 May 2014 21:49

hehe shitty...

Reply

jdesa | 2

#5932115 - Thursday 1 May 2014 22:22

#43 you're a shit face

By Joshwarrior | 38

#5931955 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:26

There is nothing to say to make that situation better for you haha, but if it makes you feel any better you just made my day

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5932173 - Thursday 1 May 2014 23:20

Love the way you wrote this OP.

Ever thought of getting into creative writing?
:-)

Reply

jdesa | 2

#5932174 - Thursday 1 May 2014 23:25

Wtf^

Reply

HeyTherexxx | 21

#5932335 - Friday 2 May 2014 2:51

#89-
The person above you is thread-jacking. No need to worry about it.

Reply

Joshwarrior | 38

#5932588 - Friday 2 May 2014 8:43

The weird part is that they thread jacked me and not someone higher up

Reply

HeyTherexxx | 21

#5932762 - Friday 2 May 2014 14:13

It's because the ones above already had comments.

By b00kn3rd | 14

#5931956 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:26

A hilarious story to tell for the rest of your life! In cases like this you just have to sit back and laugh until you can get to a shower.

Reply

mb2_native | 15

#5932024 - Thursday 1 May 2014 20:14

Or cry, either or is understandable in that situation. OP, just whip your arm towards him to make some fly at him too haha

Reply

b00kn3rd | 14

#5932409 - Friday 2 May 2014 4:45

I like the arm flick idea but I'd rather laugh than cry. ;-)

By Sebastian2022 | 22

#5931957 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:26

I'm out of witty comments...sorry OP.

Reply

thomcmoore | 23

#5932004 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:56

Thanks for the contribution

By whenitdidhappen | 14

#5931958 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:26

you should have gave him a french kiss

Reply

gimmecko | 4

#5932008 - Thursday 1 May 2014 20:00

who let you out of 4chan?

Reply

Zomg_Okay | 26

#5932156 - Thursday 1 May 2014 23:06

Sorry! Sorry!

You nod off for ONE goddamn second and all hell breaks loose...