Animals: Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend, who was driving down... - FML

By Felicityfrank - Australia - Glen Iris

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend, who was driving down the highway with the windows down. All of a sudden, everything went black. A cattle truck had sped past, and I had been hit by cow faeces travelling at 110km an hour. My boyfriend was hysterical. None of it hit him. FML

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Breaking Badly

Workaholic

They're everywhere

By Broke - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boyfriend and I are looking at places to stay to meet for the first time. I figured renting a small vacation apartment would be ideal because he's not able to help pay because he isn't working and I'm not rich. He's telling me he can only be comfortable in 4 star hotels. FML

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By Username

Today, I found out my boyfriend is only with me because he's in love with my sister, who turned him down repeatedly, and I'm the closest he can now get. FML

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By llostinreality - United States - Milwaukee

Today, the blinker on my car was broken so I decided to play it safe and drive a different car to work. I guess it wouldn’t have mattered which car I drove, as the cop nicely told me one of the headlights was out when he pulled me over. FML

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By FFS - Cyprus - Limassol

Today, I received a promotional message offering a half-off deal on an expensive coffee maker. The only reason why I received the message is because I bought that same coffee maker yesterday and I signed up to their mailing list. FML

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By corleon198425 - United States

Today, I was walking to work, when I slipped and landed on my tail bone. Worse still, my hot coffee went flying into my face. I currently can't see out of my left eye. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my piano teacher complimented my song, calling it great. I was proud and thanked him, then realized he was being sarcastic. FML

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By TNDriver - United States - Jackson

Today, I was about to make a left turn. In the turn lane a little old lady was waiting for the light to change. On the back of her car was a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus!" I gave her a honk and waved. She leaned out and yelled, "The light's red, asshole." FML

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By Josh - United States - Fenton

Today, some guy on the street threatened to stab me. I called his bluff, and walked away. He wasn't bluffing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I borrowed my dad's laptop to type an essay. While I was saving it, I noticed some curious looking files and I opened them. They were rejection letters from all the colleges I had applied to. My dad had been forging them so he wouldn't have to pay for my tuition bills. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my 4 year-old daughter's favorite expression became "shit balls." FML

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By WishIWasAWriter - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a book by a #1 bestselling author, hoping it would distract me from having my manuscript rejected, as well as learn what made their book so successful. Now I realize I need to say stuff like, "I wish I had great boobs (hehe... boobs)" to get my works published. FML

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By dukemisery - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, my ex-girlfriend called saying she wants to get back together because of how mature and sincere I sounded last night. I despise her and I was drunk last night. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to Walmart with all my birthday money, which I had in a wallet with my permit and everything else. I was sat on a bench looking for items for my iPod Touch However… I left my wallet behind. Turns out an old couple stole it. I got my shit jacked by grandparents. FML

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By meg the mighty

Today, it's been 3 days since my husband decided he really wanted to try the surstromming challenge. I can still smell that shit all through my house even with all the doors and windows open after the stupid bastard took one smell, vomited, and dropped the can on the carpet. FML

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By Anon - Ireland - Cork

Today, I found out my boyfriend uses a period tracker app to find out when we can fuck. FML

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By Phil - United States - Plain City

Today, I was driving slightly off road for work to clean a well. I didn't want to get my boots muddy by walking the last 20 ft through mud, so I tried to drive through. I spent the next four hours on hands and knees digging my way out. FML

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By Anonymous

Can't win

Today, I was in the mood for morning sex, but my wife told me to go wank it off in the bathroom. Three minutes later I was mid-wank when she started banging on the door because I was taking too long, and she needed to pee. FML

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By Deweyboy

Today, since I needed someone to talk to about it, I told my girlfriend how my dad was recently diagnosed with diabetes. My girlfriend's mother then told me, in graphic detail, how her father's diabetes led to his toes being hacked off. FML

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By vanity113 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I woke up early to travel to the office headquarters 3.5 hours away for important meetings. After waking up at 5.30am, picking up all my colleagues and driving 40 min out of town, I realised I was wearing my woolen house slippers. They were the only pair of shoes I'd brought on the trip. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - El Paso

Today, I was cutting potatoes. I was cutting them slowly, being careful, but my mom told me to cut faster, that I wouldn't cut myself. I cut myself. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, I took a nap because I've been sick for the past week and I was exhausted. When I woke up, my hair, shirt, pillow, and bedsheets were soaked. I threw up all over myself in my sleep. FML

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By what - United States

Today, while shopping, a few giggling girls came up to me and asked why I was wearing a dress in public. Highly confused, I didn't answer. When they walked away laughing, I realized they thought I was a man. I'm a woman. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann

Today, after months of planning, I finally got my first tattoo: my cat's paw print. I love it so I showed my friends pictures. One said it looks like poop and the other said it looks like I have a disease. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made a fake Facebook account for a girl, and then set my relationship status to make it look like the fake person was my girlfriend. Someone found out and hacked the fake account. My fake girlfriend just dumped me over Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I checked the facebook event page that I had set up for my 21st birthday at an awesome restaurant/bar which I had set up a week ago. Out of 39 invitees, the only person who said yes is my boyfriend. FML

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By Renagirl - United States - East Hartford

Today, the guy I love asked me if hooking up counted as dating, because he thinks I'm "super hot," but he doesn't want "all the relationship shit." FML

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By trackgurl - United States

Today, I went to get my blood drawn for the first time. After I explained to the nurse how nervous I was, she replied, "Oh honey, don't worry! This is my first time too!" FML

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By Tripp

Today, I sat my mom down to tell her I was pregnant, but before I could say anything, she started to lecture me on safe sex. I don't see this ending well. FML

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By Spooked - United States

Today, I discovered that the demonic voice that made me nearly piss myself all night, was my sister's Furby she stuck in the closet. FML

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By Embarrassed

Today, at over 9 months pregnant, I woke up to a wet bed. Convinced my water broke, I woke up my husband and had him drive me to the hospital at 3am. The nurse told me my water was fine, I had just peed the bed. FML

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By MoneyMike - United States

Today, I fell asleep in the car on a 10+ hour trip with my family as soon as we got on the highway. When I woke up an hour later, I realized I'd had a wet dream. I had to sit next to my grandma with semen all over my thighs and boxers for the rest of the trip. FML

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By notsoskinny - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I gained a few pounds and thought I looked fat. He replied that I looked the same and that I shouldn't worry because he likes fat girls. I never thought I was fat before this. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Richmond

Today, my future sister-in-law cancelled my invitation to her and my brother's wedding. Her reason was that I was incredibly rude to announce my pregnancy to my family at a time like this, because it took all the attention away from her. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went out with my best friend and her hot brother. Upon our exit out of the restaurant I walked right into the glass door and rebounded back off it. The whole restaurant was silent as I shamefully walked out only to trip on the curb outside. FML

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By wrongcar - United States

Today, I was pulled over and was given a $300 ticket for going 90mph on a 70mph highway. The cop swore he saw my silver car darting in and out of traffic. A couple of minutes earlier that exact car had passed me while I was following the speed limit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, a while after finishing and uploading a task, I looked at my peers' work to make sure I hadn't missed anything in mine. One of them had gotten the same idea and had decided to incorporate part of my work into his. "Part" as in "all". "All" as in all of his work is also all of mine. FML

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By Wino - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store to stock up on booze for the weekend. After the cashier commented on the size my purchase, I claimed to be hosting a dinner party tonight. I'm not. FML

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By Elcam - Belgium

Today, I replaced a usually fun collegue's picture of his kids with a picture of my face against glass, so it looked I was inside the screen. Everyone laughed, but he reported me because I tried to "erase his children" and "if anything happens to them" it's now my fault. FML

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By kids

Today, my daughter was scared to go to the bathroom because she thought there was a person behind the shower curtain. There actually was a person behind the shower curtain. FML

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By tom0441 - Reserved

Today, I saw a father and son playing football in a car park when I was on my way to work. The ball rolled towards me so feeling nice I kicked it back to them. Turns out it went straight through their car window. FML

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Top comments

By traviscool | 12

#5931946 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:24

Well that's a load of shit!

By Fuaaad1994 | 31

#5931951 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:25

He wouldn't be laughing after you give him one big hug

COMMENTS

By traviscool | 12

#5931946 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:24

Well that's a load of shit!

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5932031 - Thursday 1 May 2014 20:22

Talk about a blackout. Shit must've really gone with the wind...

Reply

feelingold | 18

#5932058 - Thursday 1 May 2014 20:52

Mmm. Facial. ....I bet if some celebrity said it cured wrinkles, people would pay thousands for it....

Reply

Blackhawk706 | 23

#5932240 - Friday 2 May 2014 1:05

Bullshit!

Reply

citytown | 5

#5932243 - Friday 2 May 2014 1:09

Yeah, I bet OP had a cow!

Reply

crystalxa | 35

#5932791 - Friday 2 May 2014 15:10

That is firggin hilarious! It probably wasn't fun trying to wash that out of your hair! Hopefully your bf is gonna get his car detailed after that!

Reply

kalinka07 | 5

#5933190 - Friday 2 May 2014 23:30

OP shouldn't be sad that none of it hit her boyfriend. He was the one driving...

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5933410 - Saturday 3 May 2014 4:56

Boom! Headshot!...

Reply

Adm_Twigs | 19

#5933460 - Saturday 3 May 2014 6:10

this thread along with this FML is a new favorite!

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#5933601 - Saturday 3 May 2014 11:03

Shit got real with this one.

Reply

traviscool | 12

#5933970 - Saturday 3 May 2014 20:11

I bet she didn't facepalm though

By abhi95 | 31

#5931948 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:24

Well.. Are you sure it was a cow? Or did a bull just bullshit you?

Reply

Rainhawk94 | 27

#5932016 - Thursday 1 May 2014 20:08

Does it matter

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5932034 - Thursday 1 May 2014 20:25

No one gives a flying shit...

Reply

OysterPearls | 33

#5932130 - Thursday 1 May 2014 22:39

It's a good think your profile picture is already facepalming you.

Reply

randompizzaguy | 17

#5932136 - Thursday 1 May 2014 22:41

this comment was shittier than the fml.

By zadrvzrjlzamfj | 11

#5931950 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:25

oooohh my god!! that shits big time!!....hope u got your boyfriend to clean you up...only then he would understand...

By Fuaaad1994 | 31

#5931951 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:25

He wouldn't be laughing after you give him one big hug

Reply

SunTzu2 | 9

#5932055 - Thursday 1 May 2014 20:48

The perfect move!!!!
Nice one :-))

Reply

Yeshua_fml | 19

#5932169 - Thursday 1 May 2014 23:13

I think she meant he was going crazy. Like in shock. Not laughing.

Reply

iAlissa | 34

#5932186 - Thursday 1 May 2014 23:41

87, I'm assuming she meant laughing hysterically, to be honest.

Reply

Yeshua_fml | 19

#5932236 - Friday 2 May 2014 0:59

You have to mention laughter though. Otherwise it becomes hysteria. ("He was hysterical." = "He went bat-shit.")

Reply

sweetnsourrr | 11

#5932252 - Friday 2 May 2014 1:22

#97 I am pretty sure the OP meant he was laughing his ass off.
hysterical means uncontrollable emotion or fear which means it could mean any emotion, laughing is an emotion.
OP was definitely implying he was laughing, not upset..

Reply

forthewynne | 18

#5932269 - Friday 2 May 2014 1:39

It could really go either way. OP's comment after that, which says that none of it got on him, could also imply that he was freaking out when none of it even got on him, but got all over OP.

Reply

thisguy22 | 33

#5932287 - Friday 2 May 2014 2:00

Laughing is an action. Joy or amusement would be the accompanying emotion depending on the situation... But I digress.

Reply

mclovin22897 | 15

#5932341 - Friday 2 May 2014 2:57

my guess is her boyfriend is laughing because he thought it was funny.

Reply

nurchok | 15

#5937342 - Wednesday 7 May 2014 9:11

One big hug and a French kiss would teach him a lesson...

By gauravkunwar | 12

#5931952 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:26

hahahaha..... so much accuracy!

oh... sorry for the laugh. FYL

Reply

Joshwarrior | 39

#5931967 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:30

More like they just carpet bombed her lol

Reply

Redoxx_fml | 22

#5932071 - Thursday 1 May 2014 21:12

What and what ?

Reply

Joshwarrior | 39

#5932219 - Friday 2 May 2014 0:46

I'm assuming he meant the cows had accuracy. Carpet bombing an area just hits a whole are without much accuracy. Military term

Reply

Soulsbane96_fml | 11

#5932480 - Friday 2 May 2014 7:07

Her boyfriend didn't get hit, meaning it didn't hit a wide area. Thus your carpet bombing assessment doesn't work.

Reply

Joshwarrior | 39

#5932585 - Friday 2 May 2014 8:42

Touché (:

By superjewguy | 19

#5931954 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:26

that's a stinky situation

Reply

mb2_native | 15

#5932023 - Thursday 1 May 2014 20:13

I knew these shitty puns were gunna bomb through the comments.

Reply

that1guy35 | 3

#5932096 - Thursday 1 May 2014 21:49

hehe shitty...

Reply

jdesa | 2

#5932115 - Thursday 1 May 2014 22:22

#43 you're a shit face

By Joshwarrior | 39

#5931955 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:26

There is nothing to say to make that situation better for you haha, but if it makes you feel any better you just made my day

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5932173 - Thursday 1 May 2014 23:20

Love the way you wrote this OP.

Ever thought of getting into creative writing?
:-)

Reply

jdesa | 2

#5932174 - Thursday 1 May 2014 23:25

Wtf^

Reply

HeyTherexxx | 21

#5932335 - Friday 2 May 2014 2:51

#89-
The person above you is thread-jacking. No need to worry about it.

Reply

Joshwarrior | 39

#5932588 - Friday 2 May 2014 8:43

The weird part is that they thread jacked me and not someone higher up

Reply

HeyTherexxx | 21

#5932762 - Friday 2 May 2014 14:13

It's because the ones above already had comments.

By b00kn3rd | 14

#5931956 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:26

A hilarious story to tell for the rest of your life! In cases like this you just have to sit back and laugh until you can get to a shower.

Reply

mb2_native | 15

#5932024 - Thursday 1 May 2014 20:14

Or cry, either or is understandable in that situation. OP, just whip your arm towards him to make some fly at him too haha

Reply

b00kn3rd | 14

#5932409 - Friday 2 May 2014 4:45

I like the arm flick idea but I'd rather laugh than cry. ;-)

By Sebastian2022 | 22

#5931957 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:26

I'm out of witty comments...sorry OP.

Reply

thomcmoore | 23

#5932004 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:56

Thanks for the contribution

By whenitdidhappen | 14

#5931958 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:26

you should have gave him a french kiss

Reply

gimmecko | 4

#5932008 - Thursday 1 May 2014 20:00

who let you out of 4chan?

Reply

Zomg_Okay | 26

#5932156 - Thursday 1 May 2014 23:06

Sorry! Sorry!

You nod off for ONE goddamn second and all hell breaks loose...