Animals: Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend, who was driving down... - FML

By Felicityfrank - Australia - Glen Iris

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend, who was driving down the highway with the windows down. All of a sudden, everything went black. A cattle truck had sped past, and I had been hit by cow faeces travelling at 110km an hour. My boyfriend was hysterical. None of it hit him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53911

You deserved it

4879

Tweet

Share

Hang in there

How could you forget?

You sure it was your birthday?

By IEatDammit - Canada

Today, I had a stomach virus, so I didn't eat anything. My new roommate asked me if I was anorexic and to prove I wasn't, I ate a sandwich in front of her... Only to go into the bathroom and throw it up later. She heard and now thinks I'm bulimic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27351

You deserved it

6172

Tweet

Share

By

Today, my Mom found out that I've been intimate with one of my best friends in the past. We used protection, it never went anywhere, and we ended it amicably, but she still gave me a huge lecture. Later, she high-fived and congratulated him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3600

Phew, glad it wasn't me

476

Tweet

Share

By peedonme - New Zealand

Today, I was in the toilet. Some idiots thought it was funny to throw a water balloon into the cubicle. The balloon didn't pop, but fell in the toilet sending my own urine onto my shorts. I had 4 hours left of school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31695

You deserved it

2854

Tweet

Share

By Mash-brakketz

Goodbye, 7 years of sobriety...

Today a gasoline canister leaked in our work garage and filled my office with fumes. It got me high and nauseous even though I went out for air constantly. I had a meltdown and was sent home. I'm still high. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3251

You deserved it

264

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I was denied an animal adoption because I said "babies" instead of "kittens". Apparently that means I'm not serious about pet ownership. What?! FML

I agree, your life sucks

2982

You deserved it

379

Tweet

Share

By traumatizedforlife - United States

Today, I stepped out of the house for some fresh air. It was still dark out, so imagine my horror when I accidentally stepped on a frog. It squealed for a split second before being crushed beneath my uncovered foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48293

You deserved it

6772

Tweet

Share

By WTF - United States - Plainfield

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She later put on Facebook that, "Today was a great day!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

49170

You deserved it

4461

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, at the breakfast table my mum asked me what I thought about the plumber who came to our place a couple of weeks ago. I told her that I thought he was really cute and how hard I tried to flirt with him, she nodded and told me that he is her new boyfriend and might move in with us soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50173

You deserved it

5948

Tweet

Share

By

Today, one of the customers at work shat all down the side of the toilet and on the floor. They didn’t even try to make it in the bowl. Guess who had to clean it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2196

You deserved it

167

Tweet

Share

By LonelyMonkey - United States

Today, I received an eviction notice taped to my door stating my landlord is selling his property and moving out of the country in 13 days. My landlord is my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45342

You deserved it

3271

Tweet

Share

By Squeezebox - United States - Missoula

Today, my son ruined our fairly new 60 inch smart TV by giving it a bath with his squirt gun. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3179

You deserved it

549

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to tan naked in a secluded part of my yard, so I wouldn't get tan lines. I even felt adventurous enough to leave my bikini and towel inside. This idea backfired however when my mom stopped home from work, assumed I wasn't home, and locked all the doors before she left again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46576

You deserved it

15691

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was home on leave and having breakfast with my parents and my younger brothers. I guess I got too used to the rougher language around the Army barracks where I'm stationed. At the breakfast table I asked my Mom to "pass me the f***ing butter". FML

I agree, your life sucks

31032

You deserved it

70017

Tweet

Share

By Mandy - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about our past relationships. He told me that he broke up with his last girlfriend because she was smart and he suited someone who was quite stupid. He then went on to say that I was perfect for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41334

You deserved it

6709

Tweet

Share

By thanksmum - Germany

Today, I decided to take a nap before a big job interview at 6. I set two alarm clocks to make sure I didn't miss it, but I woke up at 5:59. As I'm scrambling in a panic to get out the door, my mom says calmly, "I took your alarm clocks out of your room because you looked really tired today." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43948

You deserved it

3549

Tweet

Share

By budgetboss - United States - Granbury

Today, I got a call that my custom order bridesmaid dress is at the apartment complex I just moved out of. They won’t give it to me because I’m no longer a resident, but they just thought I should know. The wedding’s tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4207

You deserved it

364

Tweet

Share

By ANONYMOUS -_- - United States - Providence

My ears!

Today, I had to go tree shopping with my dad and some of his work buddies. It hit its lowest point when one loudly told us about a crap handjob he got recently. "I mean yeah, choke the cock," he said, "but don't choke it to DEATH, nam'sayin'?" I'd never wanted to just drop dead more. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39832

You deserved it

3526

Tweet

Share

By DoYourWorst - Canada

Dorsia? On a Friday night?

Today, marks yet another day when I've been threatened to be ruined with the words, "I know people in high places!" and had objects thrown at me at my workplace. I'm a hostess. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4694

You deserved it

316

Tweet

Share

By No Nip

Today, I was making breakfast with my parrot on my shoulder. He was excited about the food, and in his rush to climb down to the counter, bit through my nipple. I had to get stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1903

You deserved it

458

Tweet

Share

By nooo - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I got a wedgie after a workout class. As I was walking, I used my gym bag to discreetly unwedgie it, and then turned around to check that no one was there. The cute guy that I had a crush on last year was right behind me, and by the look on his face, it wasn't discreet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31233

You deserved it

6130

Tweet

Share

By Belgian girl - United States - Lewes

Today, I became my one night stand's shrink as he went through the process of realising he might be bisexual. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5278

You deserved it

694

Tweet

Share

By Unluggee - United Kingdom

Today, at a party, my three friends and I thought it would be fun to urinate in a jug. We dislike the neighbours, so decided to throw the contents of the jug over the fence into their garden. It hit a tree and splashed back. I ended up covered in our piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13939

You deserved it

188413

Tweet

Share

By loser - United Kingdom

Today, I told a friend that he looked smarter with his glasses on. He took them off and said "oh, and now you look more handsome". FML

I agree, your life sucks

16317

You deserved it

41958

Tweet

Share

By Loola - France

Today, Father Christmas touched my ass in a shopping mall. I'm a bit worried about what's going to happen on Christmas Day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23842

You deserved it

2516

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 16:59

Time flies by

Today, long after ten years ago when I answered the door to someone asking if my mummy and daddy were home, and I was 24 and it was my house, I just now got asked if my 30 year-old sister was my daughter. Time has not been kind to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

852

You deserved it

95

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to get fitted for a new bra since mine weren't fitting properly. To my amazement, I wasn't a 32A, but a 32AA. I might as well have craters on my chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37262

You deserved it

5339

Tweet

Share

By aelia_oups - France - Taverny

Today, as I have been for 10 years, I'm allergic to fruit. After an argument with my mother, she yelled, "Here, have a banana and go kill yourself!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

52241

You deserved it

7517

Tweet

Share

By bitchasshonky - France

Today, I had a fancy dinner date with a really hot guy. Near the end of our meal, he asked if I wanted to go back to his place. As soon as we walked in the door, he started a religious debate with his room mate. It's been 45 minutes and its still going. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37867

You deserved it

5535

Tweet

Share

By fionna_fiamma - Slovenia - Maribor

Today, my boyfriend came to my house for the first time. Today was also the day my body decided to throw up violently for four hours while he awkwardly sat beside me, waiting for his ride home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22383

You deserved it

1609

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/8/2020 17:09

I'm lovin' it

Today, as usual, I worked at McDonald's. Although I tried to diffuse the situation, an old man was absolutely furious, and punched me in the face over BBQ sauce. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1433

You deserved it

106

Tweet

Share

By gng2fckngkilluyoufckngfckr - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been cheating on me. I also found out that my best friend knew about it all along. When I confronted him, he tried to justify the betrayal by saying that she paid him to keep quiet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26346

You deserved it

1967

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 22/1/2021 17:01 - Australia

Traditions suck

Today, my fiance told me that his father would need to check my hymen is intact to ensure I'm pure before we get married. This is a new one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1692

You deserved it

148

Tweet

Share

By blahblah493 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom trying to wax her butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49958

You deserved it

6614

Tweet

Share

By hashtag67

Today, I taught my first seminar as a teaching assistant. I prepared for hours and rehearsed and discussed it with the professor. Two students fell asleep, I said "shit" twice and I froze mid-sentence, then said, "Sorry guys, I have no idea what I'm saying." FML

I agree, your life sucks

10126

You deserved it

1514

Tweet

Share

By cakehater - United States

Kids these days…

Today, I'm a host at a restaurant. We had a birthday party for a couple of 15 year old boys and their friends. I went to clean the bathroom at the end of my shift and discovered cake everywhere, including all over the urinal. They were even nice enough to draw a smiley on the mirror with icing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29234

You deserved it

2437

Tweet

Share

By hotmommy

Today, I went to the mall with my daughter. She asked me if she could go see Santa, so I said yes. She made me sit on his lap with her, and that's when I felt something on my bum. Let's just say Santa had a present for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45083

You deserved it

6580

Tweet

Share

By JTBastry

Today, after graduating from culinary school, I was turned down by Chipotle, Jersey Mike's, and McDonald's entry-level jobs because I didn't have enough experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4030

You deserved it

380

Tweet

Share

By thoughtitwasspecial - United States

Today, I found a link to a porn website on my boyfriend's computer. A bit jealous, I asked why it was there. He told me that he thought thinking of me might get boring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29442

You deserved it

20658

Tweet

Share

By NestHead - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, my two parrots decided that my head was the best place to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47004

You deserved it

5851

Tweet

Share

By :( - United States

Today, at my new job at a funeral home, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't "lighten the hell up" while dealing with our grieving clients. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44813

You deserved it

4731

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By traviscool | 12

#5931946 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:24

Well that's a load of shit!

By Fuaaad1994 | 31

#5931951 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:25

He wouldn't be laughing after you give him one big hug

COMMENTS

By traviscool | 12

#5931946 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:24

Well that's a load of shit!

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5932031 - Thursday 1 May 2014 20:22

Talk about a blackout. Shit must've really gone with the wind...

Reply

feelingold | 18

#5932058 - Thursday 1 May 2014 20:52

Mmm. Facial. ....I bet if some celebrity said it cured wrinkles, people would pay thousands for it....

Reply

Blackhawk706 | 23

#5932240 - Friday 2 May 2014 1:05

Bullshit!

Reply

citytown | 5

#5932243 - Friday 2 May 2014 1:09

Yeah, I bet OP had a cow!

Reply

crystalxa | 35

#5932791 - Friday 2 May 2014 15:10

That is firggin hilarious! It probably wasn't fun trying to wash that out of your hair! Hopefully your bf is gonna get his car detailed after that!

Reply

kalinka07 | 5

#5933190 - Friday 2 May 2014 23:30

OP shouldn't be sad that none of it hit her boyfriend. He was the one driving...

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5933410 - Saturday 3 May 2014 4:56

Boom! Headshot!...

Reply

Adm_Twigs | 19

#5933460 - Saturday 3 May 2014 6:10

this thread along with this FML is a new favorite!

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#5933601 - Saturday 3 May 2014 11:03

Shit got real with this one.

Reply

traviscool | 12

#5933970 - Saturday 3 May 2014 20:11

I bet she didn't facepalm though

By abhi95 | 31

#5931948 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:24

Well.. Are you sure it was a cow? Or did a bull just bullshit you?

Reply

Rainhawk94 | 27

#5932016 - Thursday 1 May 2014 20:08

Does it matter

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5932034 - Thursday 1 May 2014 20:25

No one gives a flying shit...

Reply

OysterPearls | 33

#5932130 - Thursday 1 May 2014 22:39

It's a good think your profile picture is already facepalming you.

Reply

randompizzaguy | 17

#5932136 - Thursday 1 May 2014 22:41

this comment was shittier than the fml.

By zadrvzrjlzamfj | 11

#5931950 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:25

oooohh my god!! that shits big time!!....hope u got your boyfriend to clean you up...only then he would understand...

By Fuaaad1994 | 31

#5931951 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:25

He wouldn't be laughing after you give him one big hug

Reply

SunTzu2 | 9

#5932055 - Thursday 1 May 2014 20:48

The perfect move!!!!
Nice one :-))

Reply

Yeshua_fml | 19

#5932169 - Thursday 1 May 2014 23:13

I think she meant he was going crazy. Like in shock. Not laughing.

Reply

iAlissa | 34

#5932186 - Thursday 1 May 2014 23:41

87, I'm assuming she meant laughing hysterically, to be honest.

Reply

Yeshua_fml | 19

#5932236 - Friday 2 May 2014 0:59

You have to mention laughter though. Otherwise it becomes hysteria. ("He was hysterical." = "He went bat-shit.")

Reply

sweetnsourrr | 11

#5932252 - Friday 2 May 2014 1:22

#97 I am pretty sure the OP meant he was laughing his ass off.
hysterical means uncontrollable emotion or fear which means it could mean any emotion, laughing is an emotion.
OP was definitely implying he was laughing, not upset..

Reply

forthewynne | 18

#5932269 - Friday 2 May 2014 1:39

It could really go either way. OP's comment after that, which says that none of it got on him, could also imply that he was freaking out when none of it even got on him, but got all over OP.

Reply

thisguy22 | 33

#5932287 - Friday 2 May 2014 2:00

Laughing is an action. Joy or amusement would be the accompanying emotion depending on the situation... But I digress.

Reply

mclovin22897 | 15

#5932341 - Friday 2 May 2014 2:57

my guess is her boyfriend is laughing because he thought it was funny.

Reply

nurchok | 15

#5937342 - Wednesday 7 May 2014 9:11

One big hug and a French kiss would teach him a lesson...

By gauravkunwar | 12

#5931952 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:26

hahahaha..... so much accuracy!

oh... sorry for the laugh. FYL

Reply

Joshwarrior | 39

#5931967 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:30

More like they just carpet bombed her lol

Reply

Redoxx_fml | 22

#5932071 - Thursday 1 May 2014 21:12

What and what ?

Reply

Joshwarrior | 39

#5932219 - Friday 2 May 2014 0:46

I'm assuming he meant the cows had accuracy. Carpet bombing an area just hits a whole are without much accuracy. Military term

Reply

Soulsbane96_fml | 11

#5932480 - Friday 2 May 2014 7:07

Her boyfriend didn't get hit, meaning it didn't hit a wide area. Thus your carpet bombing assessment doesn't work.

Reply

Joshwarrior | 39

#5932585 - Friday 2 May 2014 8:42

Touché (:

By superjewguy | 19

#5931954 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:26

that's a stinky situation

Reply

mb2_native | 15

#5932023 - Thursday 1 May 2014 20:13

I knew these shitty puns were gunna bomb through the comments.

Reply

that1guy35 | 3

#5932096 - Thursday 1 May 2014 21:49

hehe shitty...

Reply

jdesa | 2

#5932115 - Thursday 1 May 2014 22:22

#43 you're a shit face

By Joshwarrior | 39

#5931955 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:26

There is nothing to say to make that situation better for you haha, but if it makes you feel any better you just made my day

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5932173 - Thursday 1 May 2014 23:20

Love the way you wrote this OP.

Ever thought of getting into creative writing?
:-)

Reply

jdesa | 2

#5932174 - Thursday 1 May 2014 23:25

Wtf^

Reply

HeyTherexxx | 21

#5932335 - Friday 2 May 2014 2:51

#89-
The person above you is thread-jacking. No need to worry about it.

Reply

Joshwarrior | 39

#5932588 - Friday 2 May 2014 8:43

The weird part is that they thread jacked me and not someone higher up

Reply

HeyTherexxx | 21

#5932762 - Friday 2 May 2014 14:13

It's because the ones above already had comments.

By b00kn3rd | 14

#5931956 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:26

A hilarious story to tell for the rest of your life! In cases like this you just have to sit back and laugh until you can get to a shower.

Reply

mb2_native | 15

#5932024 - Thursday 1 May 2014 20:14

Or cry, either or is understandable in that situation. OP, just whip your arm towards him to make some fly at him too haha

Reply

b00kn3rd | 14

#5932409 - Friday 2 May 2014 4:45

I like the arm flick idea but I'd rather laugh than cry. ;-)

By Sebastian2022 | 22

#5931957 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:26

I'm out of witty comments...sorry OP.

Reply

thomcmoore | 23

#5932004 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:56

Thanks for the contribution

By whenitdidhappen | 14

#5931958 - Thursday 1 May 2014 19:26

you should have gave him a french kiss

Reply

gimmecko | 4

#5932008 - Thursday 1 May 2014 20:00

who let you out of 4chan?

Reply

Zomg_Okay | 26

#5932156 - Thursday 1 May 2014 23:06

Sorry! Sorry!

You nod off for ONE goddamn second and all hell breaks loose...