Kids: Today, I was in line at the store behind a lady and her young... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 458

You deserved it 121

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 188

You deserved it 1 603

09/11/2009 04:37

Today, I was in line at the store behind a lady and her young daughter. Trying to be polite I smiled at the little girl. She burst into tears asking her mommy 'what is wrong with that ladies teeth'. Apparently braces on a 25 year old is not 'kid friendly'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 247

You deserved it 3 265

Hiding from the drama

Admit you're shit

Operation time!

17/06/2011 04:34

Today, I got food poisoning from my wedding food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 283

You deserved it 3 906

30/10/2010 14:00

Today, my friend and I dressed up as dice for Halloween. The rest of the night consisted of us, harassed by drunks asking, 'Can we roll you around?' and constantly being shaken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 356

You deserved it 32 844

24/01/2009 19:47

Today, my dad walked in to the arena where I was watching a hockey game with my boyfriend and his friends. My dad was wearing a crazy grey mohawk wig/hat. Meanwhile, my boyfriend just finished telling me how embarassing it would be to be that guy's kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 116

You deserved it 2 119

01/03/2016 21:44

Today, I was once again mistaken for an escaped convict. I live near a women's correctional facility and apparently my nursing scrubs look a lot like their prisoners' uniforms. The cop made me late for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 243

You deserved it 1 274

01/10/2011 23:03

Today, I logged on to Facebook to find that my boyfriend's relationship status had changed to in a relationship with his ex. I asked him about it, and all he said was, "I guess I forgot to break up with you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 997

You deserved it 2 763

24/12/2009 23:35

Today, I woke up to see that I had two black eyes from a cheerleading stunt gone wrong yesterday. I decided to curl my hair to distract from them. While curling my hair I accidentally burned my cheek. I now have two black eyes and a huge burn on my cheek. My extended family is coming tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 736

You deserved it 7 220

19/12/2009 11:53

Spicy

Today, after realizing it burned when I peed, I found out the boy I waited two years to have sex with gave me gonorrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 638

You deserved it 7 220

28/06/2019 20:23

Today, after some cajoling, I finally posed naked for my long-term partner and his Polaroid camera. After saying he would cherish the intimate snapshots forever, he almost immediately forgot them on a crowded bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 660

You deserved it 489

10/03/2019 02:00

Today, my spouse made it clear that they would rather play videogames than be intimate with me. I've tried everything but get nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 205

You deserved it 376

06/07/2016 17:59

Today, I cringed at a memory of 5-year-old me going to restaurants I was brought to and stealing tip money because I thought it was free. I got to watch a kid do the same thing to me. Oh, sweet karma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 944

You deserved it 2 528

18/04/2009 07:20

Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML

I agree, your life sucks 123 165

You deserved it 7 003

04/09/2015 17:46

Today, I went to visit my mom and my 3-month-old sister. I picked the baby up, totally unaware that she had just eaten. As I went to give her a kiss, she vomited straight into my mouth. Let's just say she wasn't the only one who puked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 859

You deserved it 3 043

29/03/2014 21:31

Today, my parents and I attended the funeral of my husband's mother. It was open-casket, and my parents went to take a look. My mum muttered, "With a dress that tacky, no wonder she died", and my dad chuckled. A fight quickly erupted, and the police were called. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 822

You deserved it 5 318

14/03/2013 02:15

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-fighting. I managed to pin him down and win. He saw my grin, snorted, and bitterly said I'd only won because "let's face it, you're a bit of a porker, eh babe?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 944

You deserved it 5 841

27/04/2015 04:58

Today, I asked my class to name some West African countries. Several of them thought Ebola was a country. I teach an AP history class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 247

You deserved it 4 098

26/08/2010 04:08

Today, my husband has been out of town for a week. The only text I've got from him was, "I didn't take a poop today." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 903

You deserved it 3 856

You idiot!

By Anonymous - 28/10/2019 22:00

Today, I didn't want to hang out with my girlfriend so I could binge watch Pawn Stars instead. When she asked me why not, I lied not very convincingly and said my mom was sick and needed my help. She now thinks I'm cheating on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 443

You deserved it 2 861

27/08/2011 16:09

Spicy

Today, I noticed how big my brother's package is. If it hadn't been for the fact that my family has taken up walking around naked half the day, I never would have had to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 131

You deserved it 4 152

Baked

By non-baker - 18/03/2015 02:12

Today, I baked a cake for when my mum came home. I did everything I needed to do and put it in the oven, set the timer and went to do some things around the house. When my mum came home, she asked why there was a uncooked cake mix sitting in the oven. I forgot to turn the oven on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 057

You deserved it 8 985

27/09/2010 15:58

Today, I'm a 22 year-old guy with a 11:00 pm curfew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 259

You deserved it 16 374

17/11/2009 20:05

Today, I was at home with slight constipation, so I took two laxatives. That's when my boyfriend called me, saying his parents are in town and want to have dinner tonight, this being the first time I've met them. I've already been on the toilet five times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 471

You deserved it 5 904

29/06/2014 23:14

Spicy

Today, I tried to be seductive to get intimate with my boyfriend. He commented on how sexy I looked, and how badly he wanted me, then asked me to move because I was blocking the TV, and the World Cup match he was watching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 145

You deserved it 17 496

14/04/2009 11:18

Today, a customer came in to the Pizza store where I work and complained that the food they had purchased had a strand of black hair in it. After some deliberation, my boss decided to fire me. He is the only staff member there with black hair. I shaved my hair 2 weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86 275

You deserved it 3 543

05/07/2015 01:48

Today, my friend and I went to a club. She said I look hilarious when I dance drunk. I was completely sober. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 932

You deserved it 3 505

09/10/2010 06:36

Today, I didn't have my key, so my sister told me to call her to let me in. I called, no answer. I waited for 15 minutes and then called my dad complaining about her, still being outside. She popped her out the window and yelled, "Don't talk about me, bitch!" and wouldn't open the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 986

You deserved it 4 582

Smile like you mean it

By sad - 24/08/2021 08:01

Today, I was feeling sad and depressed at work, when a customer said, “Smile. It’s nice and sunny outside.” Sunny weather makes me depressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 489

You deserved it 566

10/08/2013 20:56

Today, my little brother told me to give him my phone so he could play a game on it. I said no, because I was taking a call from a friend at the time. He then walked over to the wall, headbutted it, burst into tears, then told my parents that I punched him. They believed him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 318

You deserved it 3 814

01/10/2010 16:55

Today, I started my first day of work. I was told to absorb everything going on and to get used to the high-paced flow of things. I've been sitting at my desk for two hours now, and the office has been empty since I've walked in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 183

You deserved it 2 969

17/08/2009 08:42

Today, I borrowed a roommate's car to get groceries. I came out to find the car stolen. I called the cops, and the responding officer took the info and drove me home to give the roomie the bad news in person. 15 minutes later, they found the car. I'd parked it on the opposite side of the lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 462

You deserved it 60 666

05/06/2019 06:00

Today, trying to be a good co-parent, I asked my ex if he’d like to go to the circus with our kids and I. His new girlfriend of a whopping five days said it made her uncomfortable. He stood us up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 089

You deserved it 172

02/08/2010 23:21

Today, I was bored out of my mind at work. I told my coworker he was lucky to be leaving early. I forgot the reason of his early departure was to go to his grandfather's funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 566

You deserved it 36 397

12/08/2009 11:18

Today, my ex got dumped by his girlfriend. Seeing my opportunity I sent him a song I wrote for him about how much I still love him. He sent it on to the girl who had just dumped him claiming he had written it. They are back together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 184

You deserved it 22 709

15/01/2016 17:47

Today, I got pulled off a hugely important project, all because I accidentally spelled "country" as "cuntry" in an email to our client. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 692

You deserved it 16 098

27/02/2010 01:52

Spicy

Today, I gave a technical presentation to a group of male colleagues. I was surprised by how attentive they were until I went to the washroom and realized that they could see every detail of my nipples through my new shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 195

You deserved it 16 189

01/12/2012 17:01

Today, my husband discovered poking me in my belly button makes me have to pee, sometimes it's uncontrollable and happens immediately. He thinks it's hilarious and decided it's his new favorite game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 293

You deserved it 3 088

23/01/2015 14:58

Today, my girlfriend was rushed to the hospital with anal tearing. We've never tried anal before, but it turns out she and my "best friend" sure have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 029

You deserved it 3 050

10/06/2015 17:55

Today, our mouse problem finally started to go away. Now we have a snake problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 558

You deserved it 2 119

13/08/2013 06:36

Today, my teacher told the class that we had better like the people at our table because we would all be working together for the final group assessment. Everyone looked at me, stood up, and moved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 807

You deserved it 8 022

09/03/2015 22:59

Today, I got to listen to my boss lecture me about professional dress and subtly insinuate that my being on the heavier side top-wise with all the men in the office could be a problem. I've worn turtle necks for the whole two months I've been working there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 571

You deserved it 2 406

Justice for Doggy Boy the dog!

By Anonymous - 15/08/2021 16:01

Today, I hate my wife’s dog. It destroys everything in the house, it destroys my garden, she barks constantly in her bed, and when I walk her she tries to attack every living thing she sees, but the instant I talk to my wife about her behaviour, I get yelled at for being mean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 011

You deserved it 134

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Monday 9 November 2009 10:25

You should have started laughing maniacally saying "I'M GOING TO EAT YOU UP, LITTLE GIRL".

allmidnighteyes 10

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Monday 9 November 2009 9:51

She probably thought you were gonna eat her or something

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allmidnighteyes 10

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Monday 9 November 2009 9:51

She probably thought you were gonna eat her or something

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Monday 9 November 2009 10:07

OP...YDI for eating little girl ...shame on you!!!!!

the_stereotype 0

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Tuesday 10 November 2009 1:23

that is one fucking stupid kid. what little kid hasn't seen braces before? and at 24, it's not like you're aging or something. don't worry, she'll probably grow up to be a hideous teenager who's going to need everything fixed.

Gonza 0

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Monday 9 November 2009 9:56

FYL

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Monday 9 November 2009 9:58

the little girl seem to be a little villain...it is not a big deal..

cerebellum_fml 0

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Monday 9 November 2009 10:06

Ahh its just the bling that hurts the kids eye. its all good though you know you are pimpin those braces. shine on.

deathburger13 0

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Monday 9 November 2009 10:14

wtf lol my mom had braces at like 40

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Monday 9 November 2009 10:25

You should have started laughing maniacally saying "I'M GOING TO EAT YOU UP, LITTLE GIRL".

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Monday 6 June 2011 18:02

the little girl would shit her pants!!!!!!!

allmidnighteyes 10

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Monday 9 November 2009 10:33

OP probably looked liked this: http://i36.tinypic.com/2iaa43n.jpg

nokillnobeepbeep 0

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Monday 9 November 2009 10:36

Lol. You can close this puppy up, #8 just won.

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Monday 9 November 2009 10:36

I am sorry i had a kid completely shocked in Halloween when he saw mine. I am the same age and I had a front baby tooth that never came out so not only do i have braces but I also have all these attachments to pull the adult tooth down and a hole in the front of my mouth

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Monday 9 November 2009 10:47

Wow, kids are weird... I have a teacher with braces and I first thought she had dirty teeth cause they were the see through kind of braces but still visible, but then I realized it was braces... Hasn't the kid seen braces before? It's not that uncommon... FYL

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Monday 9 November 2009 10:48

Aw braces are alllll good, at least you will have beautiful teeth afterwards!