Work: Today, an elderly gentleman came into my store complaining of... - FML

By lifebecrazed - 17/01/2013 16:57

Today, an elderly gentleman came into my store complaining of a toothache, so I showed him where the Orajel was located. He then insisted on making a big scene, claiming that I really had the magic touch and if I would just stroke his cheek all his pain would go away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 274

You deserved it 2 946

Leave us alone

Bullshit reason #874

Thanks, dad

By ouch - 17/09/2011 23:42 - United States

Today, our electric horse fence broke. I turned it off so I could fix it. As I was grabbing the fence, my brother thought it would be hilarious to turn the fence back on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 098

You deserved it 3 421

By stupidlights - 07/05/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I left my lights on in my car. I realized it at lunch, made sure to turn the lights off and tried to start it. The battery was dead, and I called my dad to jump it before I got back from my game. I come back from my game and the lights were on. He left the lights on after the jump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 373

You deserved it 6 243

By Anonymous - 23/03/2014 16:59 - Egypt

Today, my non-English-speaking grandma bought me a new t-shirt. It would've been sweet if it didn't have the word "bondage" written on the back in pretty, bold letters. I had no choice but to wear it while we went shopping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 090

You deserved it 3 683

By somnolence - 17/09/2016 21:20 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I wanted to take a nap after cleaning my apartment, so I put the trash outside the front door and put a note on the door for my roommate, saying, "Please take the trash out when you leave for work." When I woke up, the note was gone but the trash was still there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 316

You deserved it 1 953

By Stuby14 - 23/11/2015 14:31 - United States - Brookings

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were sending dirty messages to each other. We were getting really into it until she replied to one of my messages with, "Oooooh yeah." I read it in the Kool-Aid man's voice and couldn't stop laughing. Mood killed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 189

You deserved it 5 745

Spooked

By Anonymous - 18/03/2021 08:01

Today, I found out that the loud "firecrackers" I heard the night before were actually shotgun blasts by my neighbor murdering his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 525

You deserved it 59

By jordy1995 - 16/07/2011 04:25 - United States

Today, I found out I can't go to my best friend's birthday party. To cheer me up, my parents decided to take me and my brother to my favorite pizzeria for dinner. When I was ready and went downstairs, I discovered they left already. They forgot me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 357

You deserved it 3 209

You tried

By Anonymous - 17/08/2021 05:01 - United States - Gilbert

Today, after thinking my crush maybe liked me back, I confessed. He didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 848

You deserved it 81

By Hue - 07/07/2015 20:43 - United States

Today, I spent more time driving to my vacation spot than actually vacationing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 363

You deserved it 4 163

By Anonymous - 01/04/2014 17:07 - Canada - Cranbrook

Today, disappointed with my results on a mathematics test, I went over it and realized my teacher had added up the marks incorrectly, leaving me with 17% less than I earned. The person who's supposed to be teaching me math can't even perform basic arithmetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 221

You deserved it 4 082

Cool nickname

By nearsighted-ut - 26/09/2019 02:00

Today, I was watching TV when my older brother thought it would be funny to rip a bare-assed fart in my face before a shower. I looked up, only to see a brown blob on my glasses. My nickname is now "Shitfaced." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 853

You deserved it 112

By Anonymous - 18/08/2011 13:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my parents discussing how to kill our cat, and how to make it look like an accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 670

You deserved it 3 437

By KJS - 10/03/2010 05:00 - United States

Today, I got up on stage excited to recite a spoken word piece that I worked on and memorized for about 20 hours, neglecting other obligations like studying for an exam the next day. I blanked out in the middle of the performance in front of hundreds of people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 220

You deserved it 7 051

By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 19:44 - United Kingdom - Addlestone

Spicy

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm. It was great until mid-gasm when she swung her arm out and knocked me out. She still can't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 700

You deserved it 6 316

By Nico - 16/02/2013 01:37 - France - Asni?res

Today, the company I was fired from three years ago merged with the company I work at now. The new owners' first order of business was to fire me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 127

You deserved it 3 173

By ironies a b*tch - 13/04/2013 05:04 - United States - Chatham

Today, I dressed up as Batman for a comic book convention. I was hit by a car on the way there by a man dressed up as the Joker for the same convention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 061

You deserved it 21 699

Quickie

By cantgetitupcantgetiton - 14/01/2010 01:02 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized that the amount of time it takes my boyfriend to get an erection takes longer than the actual sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 273

You deserved it 3 216

By Anonymous - 12/10/2009 08:22 - United States

Today, my friend asked me if I could watch her mother's cats while they go on vacation. I agreed since her house is on my way to work. When I talked to her mother, I found out she has 30-something cats. She reckons she lost count. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 554

You deserved it 3 901

By A continent away - 02/09/2014 19:48 - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, the security at the airport were nice enough to remind me to take the laptop out of my bag. I wish they'd also reminded me to put it back in before I left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 931

You deserved it 13 715

Skinny girl

By mortifying - 28/10/2019 20:00 - United Kingdom - Harlow

Today, I started playing footsie with the girl I like next to me in Biology. Turns out it was the table leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 567

You deserved it 1 833

My eyes! My eyes!

By Audrey - 21/07/2020 14:01

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my mom masturbating. I want to run away. I feel violated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 594

You deserved it 618

By Spongebob Garypants - 26/05/2016 02:05 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I went into my kitchen after placing a line of salt across the floor in front of the back door the night before to ward off slugs that keep getting in, only to find 12 idiotic slugs dead and shrivelled up, leaving a horrible gooey mess. I don't know why I expected any intelligence from them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 188

You deserved it 2 057

By rayraydayday - 21/03/2015 04:25 - United States - Englewood

Today, I was wearing a new tank top that was really cute. I later was talking to an attractive guy and thought he was giggling at me because he thought I was being cute and funny. I then realized he was giggling at the fact that I only shaved one armpit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 255

You deserved it 10 991

By joxerthemighty39 - 01/02/2011 03:11 - United States

Today, I had to babysit two kids. I told them to stop fighting, or to sit on separate couches. They stopped. I asked why nobody would sit on the other couch, where I'd been sitting. They told me it was the couch their autistic brother often pees on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 771

You deserved it 3 423

By SleeplessInSoCal - 09/08/2010 06:18 - United States

Spicy

Today, I couldn't fall asleep till 3am and was woken approximately every hour or so. Why? I found out my new upstairs neighbors have a very active love life. She's a screamer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 947

You deserved it 3 277

By knews - 18/03/2010 04:46 - United States

Today, my mom sent me beautiful candlesticks along with some half burned candles. I thanked her. She told me the candlesticks were a wedding gift to my grandmother 85 years ago. Then she said the candles were used at my grandma's wedding. I had already lit them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 347

You deserved it 8 174

Ignored

By Kim - 05/05/2021 04:01

Today, at work, I was waiting in line to pay my food at the cafeteria when I noticed the doctor who was in front of me had these really cool looking shoes on. I told him, "I like your shoes!" He turned over, looked at me and didn’t say anything back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 779

You deserved it 117

By Anonymous - 23/07/2016 23:04 - United States - Atlanta

Today, during a heated argument with my son, I lost my temper and called him a son of a bitch. He enthusiastically agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 841

You deserved it 19 123

By Mr.Hoof-In-Mouth - 13/08/2017 13:00

Today, I was talking to a customer needing IT help. I make small talk about how my birthday is on the same day the Boy Scouts were formed, and I tell the customer I am sure something interesting happened on his birthday. He gets quiet, then gives his birthday. September11th. Cue the long silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 202

You deserved it 727

The Blob

By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 17:02 - Germany

Today, I cracked an egg which turned out to have an extremely thin shell, so at first contact with the bowl, it came apart in my hand and the contents glooped right through my fingers, all the way down the kitchen cabinet, into a half-open drawer, as well as onto the floor and underneath the cabinet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 773

You deserved it 257

Foolish

By Anonymous - 08/07/2021 05:59

Today, I watched as a bin man picked up and threw into his truck the bag I foolishly left a few metres from a public bin before I got on the train. That bag contained every document that proves my identity for my new job, my driver's licence, birth certificate, passport, oh and my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 366

You deserved it 1 253

By fuck you with a bacon cock - 04/04/2014 22:07 - United Kingdom - Forres

Today, I got up early in the morning to get a snack, only to walk in on my "vegan" housemate eating a turkey sandwich. This bastard harasses me every other day about my meat-eating, but all he could do after he noticed me was drop the sandwich and claim he'd been sleepwalking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 202

You deserved it 3 478

By PCop - 02/08/2010 23:21 - United States

Today, I was bored out of my mind at work. I told my coworker he was lucky to be leaving early. I forgot the reason of his early departure was to go to his grandfather's funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 566

You deserved it 36 398

By she won't see a therapist - 23/04/2016 04:37 - United States - Omaha

Today, my wife's paranoia reached a new level. She spent a half hour fretting over the idea that one of the cleaning ladies at our hotel might have taken a used condom from our room and tried to get pregnant with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 451

You deserved it 1 470

Fashion Week

By NotAGoodStart - 07/03/2020 14:00 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I went on a blind date, meeting up in a park. I got there first and sat down to wait for him. After a while, a guy sat down next to me. I wasn't sure if it was him, so I texted him, asking if he'd arrived. His response was, "I'm already here, sat to the left of the old woman dressed like a gypsy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 946

You deserved it 316

By Noname - 18/03/2009 01:24 - United States

Today, while I was out to eat, I was approached by the restaurant manager. He told me that while he respected my personal choices, his patrons didn't feel comfortable with someone who used to be a man using the women's restroom. He thought I was a transsexual. I am a naturally-born female. FML

I agree, your life sucks 382 953

You deserved it 36 001

By Taylor - 21/04/2014 04:04 - United States - Dubuque

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend drove 20 miles to come see me. The closest we got to intimacy was him showing me how he could unlock his iPhone 5s with his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 225

You deserved it 8 154

By annonymous - 07/09/2015 20:56 - United States

Spicy

Today, while at a neighborhood party, my drunk mother told all our neighbors, including a girl I like, about my struggles with a micropenis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 693

You deserved it 2 404

By Anonymous - 26/02/2016 22:31 - United States - Malden

Today, my idiot neighbor decided the best way to dispose of the poison ivy in his yard was to pile it all up and burn it. I'm severely allergic. It was so bad that one of my eyes is still swollen half shut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 109

You deserved it 1 347

Can't escape the QAnon Flavor Aid

By Can't move out - 25/06/2021 18:01

Today, I found out my parents truly believe that Donald Trump will return to power in August. They also believed it was going to happen in March. It's like living in a death cult. Help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 044

You deserved it 243

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Top comments

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Thursday 17 January 2013 19:08

Well I hope you stroked it for him... His cheek I mean.

ManInTheMachine 19

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Thursday 17 January 2013 19:10

I would just play along, and be a good employee. Unless the next thing he asks for is the Viagra. Then get your manager, and a restraining order.

Comments

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Thursday 17 January 2013 19:08

That's not creepy at all...0.0

hockeychicl003 6

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Thursday 17 January 2013 20:25

Do you wonder if he meant the cheek on his face or....

eur0 14

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Thursday 17 January 2013 22:00

YDI for having teeth O.P

FastidiousPear 6

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Friday 18 January 2013 10:44

Pooth-aches?

mystical_child 6

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Friday 18 January 2013 15:22

Sounds like something master Rochi would start off saying..

mystical_child 6

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Friday 18 January 2013 15:25

Roshi* ^^

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Thursday 17 January 2013 19:08

Well I hope you stroked it for him... His cheek I mean.

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Thursday 17 January 2013 20:12

Yea, don't encourage him. Next time he'll come in complaining that his penis hurts.

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Thursday 17 January 2013 20:52

Remember, the customer is always right!

theycallmekitty 13

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Friday 18 January 2013 1:31

I agree with 32, don't encourage him. Last time I was especially nice to an old person, he held me up in Waffle House for an hour performing a penny "trick" where he would put it in my hand then snatch it out really quickly. Then he started talking about his deceased wife and things got really awkward....

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Friday 18 January 2013 3:10

So, basically, the moral of #66 story is don't be friendly towards old people.

theycallmekitty 13

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Friday 18 January 2013 4:07

I just wanted to leave and I didn't know how to respond to a stranger telling me all this personal information

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Thursday 17 January 2013 19:09

Well, seems like you better get to stroking!

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Thursday 17 January 2013 19:09

Im going to need you to touch my cheek

Shmatterhorn 38

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Friday 18 January 2013 0:27

That's just wrong.

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Friday 18 January 2013 1:22

No it's not. What's wrong is the fact everybody and they mama have to thumb me down because a joke I tried to make. She said she has the magic touch so I said she can touch my cheek too.

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Friday 18 January 2013 1:44

LOL ^_^

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Friday 18 January 2013 2:05

#65, No, that's not what you said. I'll just leave you to a quiet burial.

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Friday 18 January 2013 2:23

Nooooooooo come on everybody all I need is 26 "thumbs up" and I can be good. There's still time.

ManInTheMachine 19

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Thursday 17 January 2013 19:10

I would just play along, and be a good employee. Unless the next thing he asks for is the Viagra. Then get your manager, and a restraining order.

untouchable763 10

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Thursday 17 January 2013 19:10

Should of slapped him upside the face and said ok fixed.

tanekdrachonae 19

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Thursday 17 January 2013 20:49

And lost their job. Yeah, that's a fantastic idea....

sens3sfailing 24

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Thursday 17 January 2013 22:11

hey! look what I found! it was your sense of humor...

BntyHntrSeattle 30

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Friday 18 January 2013 5:01

*Loud cough to gain attention,* should HAVE, *discreet cough to recede into darkness once more.*

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Thursday 17 January 2013 19:10

How dare you hog your magic touch! Your "special" gifts must be shared.. Profits? Your choice tho..

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Thursday 17 January 2013 19:10

Which cheeks? I hope he means his face.

BntyHntrSeattle 30

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Thursday 17 January 2013 19:11

He's either a cheeky ass, or just a perv...

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Thursday 17 January 2013 19:11

Careful with the elderly - I hear giving them a stroke is bad.

Schizomaniac 24

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Thursday 17 January 2013 19:30

us*

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Thursday 17 January 2013 19:35

"Aren't inside jokes fun for everyone!" said no one, ever.

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Thursday 17 January 2013 19:36

20:Huh?

Schizomaniac 24

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Thursday 17 January 2013 19:37

I live only to serve you.

ManInTheMachine 19

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Thursday 17 January 2013 19:43

Mario: Schizo was implying that Doc is old. He replaced *them with *us.

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Thursday 17 January 2013 20:18

Ah. I didn't catch that. Thanks.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 210

You deserved it 29

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 111

You deserved it 274