When dinner is late

Today, my theatre studies professor played a soundscape, then had us write what we thought the meaning was. I thought it was a simulation of what schizophrenia was like. Turns out the teacher bet her friend she could convince us that a bunch of people speaking gibberish meant something. FML

Videos

Family values

Fairytale ending

Weird kid

By ConfusedCollegeKid - 11/3/2017 13:00 - United States - Normal

4569

536

Today, I thought it would be funny to touch my girlfriend's back with my cold hands. She thought it would be funny to crush my left testicle with her knee as I was trying to fall asleep. FML

By inpain - 20/11/2009 15:51 - United States

15236

40473

Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML

By ugh - 3/9/2013 23:53 - United States - Lancaster

25706

40725

Today, I had to find simple words to explain to the idiot I was tutoring that "1/4" is not of a greater value than "1/3" just because the denominator is bigger. FML

By Mightaswelltutordogs - 21/12/2014 01:16 - United States - Gainesville

30446

5532

Today, a man at the comic book store I work at asked me if Spider-Man is based on a real story, and verbally abused me when, thinking he was joking, I laughed. He wasn't. FML

By some people... - 19/9/2013 05:35 - United States

38714

3514

Today, I was on a plane. When my flight attendant brought me my drink, it had a lid and a straw. He told me, very seriously, "not to spill." No one else got a lid. I'm 18, and apparently I look spill-prone. FML

By thisisme - 17/1/2011 01:37 - Canada

27594

3445

Today, I walked in on my son and his friend comparing their penis sizes. They're 6. FML

By oh my son - 23/12/2012 06:02 - Canada - Toronto

41543

5706

Today, my friend and I were in a hallway talking while a man kept walking by and turning around. I then asked him "WHAT are you LOOKING for!". It was a blind man. FML

By wsumt - 29/1/2009 01:04 - United States

7859

30287

Today, some random bloke introduced himself at a bar by asking to fuck me. I got tongue-tied trying to say both "fuck off" and "please go away". I ended up telling him to "Please fuck away." FML

By royallymessedup - 21/8/2014 16:36

42519

7750

Today, my girlfriend dared me to put on her bra and panties and give her a lap dance. Feeling spontaneous, I decided to do it. Just as I was getting really into it, she told me I was on webcam for all her friends. Apparently it was a contest of who had their boyfriend the most whipped. She won. FML

By Embarassed - 23/11/2012 06:14 - United States - Kent

54389

15836

Today, I went to a really important job interview. During it, I accidentally let out a burp, came down with nervous hiccups, and when I tried to quietly ease out some painful gas that was building up, it came out as a massive, rancid fart. I'll definitely be unemployed for a while yet. FML

By ;_;" - 27/9/2013 21:33 - Lebanon - Beirut

45757

10526

Today, I found out that my parents are extremely active swingers by finding their online profile with photos of my mom with a dildo. I guess those out-of-town trips weren't just holidays. FML

By RubyRed213 - 30/5/2018 05:00

4128

387

Today, in my college class, our teacher asked us what we wanted to do when we get out of college. I guess being a U.S. Marine gets you a lecture for the whole class to hear that I'm a war hungry pig, and should get a real job that requires a brain. My job field is Aircraft repair. FML

By S3R1AL K1LL3R X - 19/10/2010 04:21 - United States

38227

4437

Today, I was at home with slight constipation, so I took two laxatives. That's when my boyfriend called me, saying his parents are in town and want to have dinner tonight, this being the first time I've met them. I've already been on the toilet five times. FML

By Anonymous - 17/11/2009 20:05 - United States

31418

5892

Today, I was messing with my cat by moving my hand around under the sheets to make it look like a mouse, making him pounce at it. Without thinking, I brought my hand up to scratch my nose and was immediately attacked by flailing claws. FML

By ambushcat - 6/7/2012 03:31 - United States

10460

28497

Today, I went for a jog. While passing by my neighbor's house, their six year old son started throwing peanuts at me screaming, "I hope this kills you!" because I'm allergic to peanuts. FML

By Anonymous - 26/8/2009 00:52 - Canada

57562

3627

Today, a friend jokingly asked who in my relationship wears the pants. My girlfriend replied, "I'm not sure, but I've got photos to prove I don't wear the skirt." FML

By Crossy - 23/8/2009 06:54 - Australia

11503

36497

Today, my trusty old car decided that it no longer needed its back passenger window-pane, and that in fact the window would look a lot better smashed to pieces by the roadside. FML

By Anonymous - 14/11/2013 15:17 - Ireland

35514

3322

Today, I had to tell my super-conservative parents that I had just gone to visit the boyfriend I'm not supposed to have so that I could tell him I am pregnant. FML

By Noname - 23/2/2009 18:28 - United States

23129

57067

Today, I was in the car with my parents' friends. I was in the back with my window down when I felt something strange hit my ear. I then realized that the person sitting in front of me was picking their scab and throwing it out the window. FML

By Scabs - 9/8/2010 16:54 - United States

31670

2615

Today, an incredibly rude woman came in for a hairdressing appointment. I had to put up with being yelled at and called a "clumsy bitch," a "pleb," and other insults for almost half an hour. When I finally managed to finish her hair, instead of tipping me, she spat at my feet and stormed out. FML

By scumdresser - 29/9/2012 20:34 - United States - Pittsford

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2280

Today, my supervisor told me off for doing something. When I reminded her that she told me to do it, she yelled at me for correcting her. FML

By Anonymous - 17/3/2019 20:00

Can't win

2215

144

Today, I finally got the guts to text this cute girl at school. I started sending flirtatious texts, only to find out the hard way that she'd given me her boyfriend's number. FML

By Mark Allan - 25/3/2012 16:06 - United States - Alexandria

29123

7637

Today, I was at the store when I ran into an old friend from high school. He didn't recognize me at first, but when I told him who I was, he instantly shouted "Oh! Yeah! The fat chick from Mr. H's class!" FML

By unluckymiss - 24/1/2010 06:03 - United States

29475

4323

Today, I was at the airport getting ready to go to Hawaii. The guy at the counter said my flight was delayed. It turns out that the flight that was delayed was a flight going to Miami. My flight left at the regular time, and my luggage was on it, because I checked in the night before. FML

By dJ21 - 15/12/2009 09:23 - Guam

31347

3686

Today, my mother asked me if my boyfriend and I were getting serious. I quickly lied and said no. She then informed me that if things ever heated up that she would take me to get birthcontrol. Wanting birthcontrol, I confessed. In turn she grounded me. I am not allowed to see my boyfriend anymore. FML

By Anonymous - 25/3/2009 20:40 - United States

66518

28805

Today, I entered my first professional fight as a mixed martial artist. It's been my dream to become a UFC champion one day. All I do is train and watch UFC fights all day. I was out cold in a matter of seconds. FML

By yeah - 22/6/2012 03:07 - United States

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Today, I was disciplined by my boss for "not smiling enough." I'm a dishwasher. FML

By Anonymous - 7/6/2014 05:15 - United States - Charlotte

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Today, after about a year of keeping it a secret from my girlfriend, I told her about my foot fetish. She said "EWWWWWWWW!" and left. She's ignoring my calls and has changed her relationship status to single on Facebook. FML

By Anonymous - 5/12/2015 05:44 - United States

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Today, I woke up to my boyfriend shrieking at the top of his lungs. I ran into the dining room where he was, to find him standing on the table screaming "Kill it!" while pointing at an unmoving spider the size of a Tic Tac on the wall. FML

By eightleggedtictac - 8/6/2014 15:10 - United States - Worcester

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6827

Today, my boyfriend asked me to talk dirty in bed for him, and my brain went blank and I panicked. I couldn't think of what to say so I suddenly blurted out, "Do whatever you want with my body. Treat it like a corpse!" He laughed his head off and I died a little inside. FML

By CorpseBride - 7/2/2017 04:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

8774

2054

Today, I missed my dentist appointment. I couldn't attend, because I was too busy puking my guts up due to a bad reaction to the pain medication I'm taking for my toothache. FML

By Anonymous - 27/3/2012 19:08 - United States - Fountain Valley

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Today, it's the day before my friends' wedding. My dress has not yet been shipped from the online shop where I ordered it three weeks ago, the hand-crafted gift that was ordered last month is trapped at customs and my cats have just managed to open the drawer and eat the wedding card. FML

By myrkes - 10/9/2015 11:09 - Switzerland - Marstetten

28011

2996

Today, while interviewing for a job, I was greeted by the interviewer with a handshake and a greeting of, "Hello Victoria, my name is Bill." I responded with, "Hello. My name is Bill." I think it's safe to assume I didn't get the job. FML

By Victoria - 18/9/2019 06:00 - Australia - Perth

My name is?

1300

383

Today, at a house party someone smashed and spilled their drink. In my own drunken state, I decided to get the mop as someone might fall. I then fell over it and ended up with glass in my side. FML

By Caution - 2/10/2018 22:00

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553

Today, I decided I would try this feature on my banking app which lets me deposit checks by sending a picture of it. The instructions say to rip the check after depositing. The deposit didn't work and now I've got a ripped up paycheck. FML

By Checkless chick - 8/5/2013 22:21 - United States

27066

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Today, I went to the pharmacy and asked the very attractive pharmacist what to do about the terrible itching under my cast. She told me to be a man and deal with it. FML

By brokenarm - 3/3/2010 16:46 - Germany

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7874

Today, I was trying to get to my boyfriend via public transport in Thailand. He was giving the driver instructions through my phone when my phone went flat. I am now alone in the passenger seat of a car, next to a creepy old driver, no idea where he is taking me, and I don't speak a word of Thai. FML

By Anonymous - 28/11/2010 05:05 - Thailand

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Today, my boyfriend decided to gift me soap, a razor, and deodorant for my birthday. FML

By same - 21/11/2015 06:39 - United States - Palo Alto

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Today, I decided to adopt a 11 year old dog that has been in need of a home for several months. Two hours after I got him home, I discovered him dead in the backyard. FML

By anonymous - 30/10/2009 07:45 - United States

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