When dinner is late

Today, I realized how lonely I am when I got excited over receiving my daily weather update from the Weather Channel. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Countdown

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By mstar - United States

19548

2793

Today, my dad told me to take my stress out by getting a girlfriend. My mom laughed and said, "No that won't work, just go jack off in the shower again." FML

By IBleedArbor - United States

Realistic

48127

4993

Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML

By Anonymous - United States

312341

43862

Today, on the bus ride home from work, two women behind me kept pulling my hair. I turned around and told them to, "cut it out." When I got home, I realized they'd took it literally. FML

By TheodoreFinches - United Kingdom

16936

1541

Today, I took my girlfriend home to meet my parents. They thought it'd be hilarious to put on ridiculous accents and act like country hicks, spewing obscenities and strongly hinting that we're into incest. She soon left in disgust. I haven't heard back from her since. FML

By >_< - United States - Richmond

50462

6297

Today, I got on an elevator at the mall, along with a twelve or thirteen-year-old girl talking on her cell. She spent the whole ride telling the person on the other end how hideous I looked and how I look like a pregnant sperm whale. I was too humiliated to even say anything. FML

By pimpslaprequired - United States

33884

4831

Today, my mom told me that my new concealer is way too dark and makes my skin look hideously orange and uneven. I wasn't wearing any makeup. FML

By Anonymous - United States

35125

4443

Today, I walked in on my girlfriend cheating on me. The guy turned around and said, "Sorry, I borrowed your condoms." FML

By BadLuckLad - United Kingdom - Portsmouth

50128

3828

Today, my clinical instructor told me to stop being so negative, to get over myself, and to focus on nursing school. I'm only distracted because 3 days ago I was told I might have colon cancer. FML

By edavis1993 - United States - Milford

25839

1456

Today, the only thing that cheered me up was a documentary about IKEA, and seeing how my furniture was made. FML

By sadgirl - Netherlands

22876

4243

Today, I discovered my mom has been using my credit card to buy everyone's Christmas presents. FML

By anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

48945

3699

Today, I got a message from my teacher about my homework. We were supposed to write an original myth explaining a natural event. My teacher bumped my grade for it down to a C for copying a myth that already exists. My myth was based on an original story I've been writing for two years. FML

By WritesTooWell - United States - Miami

42391

3640

Today, I was really excited that I'd made it the two weeks I'd borrowed my mother-in-law's new car without putting a scratch on it. I got off work to discover a customer's child throwing rocks in the parking lot. They cracked the windshield. FML

By Deadmeat

Throw the bill at the kid. Do it.

3907

240

Today, my son learned how to use the toilet for the first time. He was so excited he started peeing on the floor. FML

By doomeddaddy - United States

31164

3205

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate in an alley. He pushed me up against a wall and started kissing me, but he pushed me so hard I cut open my head and needed 10 stitches. FML

By Anonymous - 9/10/2020 02:00

Passionate

1019

243

Today, while playing badminton, I was so distracted by my ex winking at me that I didn't notice the shuttle cock that hit me in the eye. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

9677

21317

Today, I'm so lonely that I created multiple fake accounts on different social media platforms, just so I can have people to talk to. FML

By Lennie Mcfish

We are legion

1044

526

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was going to buy me a "magic wand". Being a Harry Potter fanatic, I assumed he meant a replica wand. It turns out he actually meant a Magic Wand vibrator. I was more excited about the HP wand. FML

By whorecrux - United States - Newark

50757

9773

Today, I had to get my boyfriend's mom to help me get my boyfriend in his house because he was so drunk. He broke up with me for getting him in trouble. FML

By drunkboysgf - Canada

31506

5183

Today, I've been calling my pet snake "Mr. Snake" for two years now. I decided to look up the name, and boy do I regret it. It turns out Mr. Snake is a porn site. I've named my snake after porn and have been introducing him to family with that name for two years. FML

By GeeLoftus - United States - Secaucus

19184

4728

Today, I have an upset stomach. Every other minute, it sounds like Chewbacca is screaming to get out. FML

By pixkalexi - United States - North Easton

39917

4838

Today, my boyfriend proposed. Three hours later, he called me to tell me he was kidding. FML

By Anonymous - United States

43130

2560

Today, I was on a plane in the aisle seat; the guy in the middle was encroaching on my space, and the window seat was not taken. The stewardess noticed my discomfort and suggested the guy move so we both had space. He had bought both seats and "liked sitting in the middle." FML

By Claustrophobic - United States

38172

2326

Today, I received yet more mail for my ex-fiancé. We've been broken up for nearly a year and I've told him multiple times to change his address. Getting his mail is a constant reminder that I haven't dated since. FML

By zks

30418

5918

Today, I cut my finger with a plastic knife while demonstrating that you can't cut yourself with a plastic knife. FML

By cbad - United States

12982

47914

Today, I was at the pool, casually flirting with one of the lifeguards. He said that he would gladly give me CPR, in the event that I needed it. I laughed and thanked him, stating that it was a sweet idea, even though I wouldn't be needing assistance. I then choked on my bottled water. FML

By Anonymous - United States

15901

44750

Today, the only person to wish me a happy birthday was a survey website. I took their stupid survey out of appreciation. FML

By Anonymous - United States

24301

2305

Today, my boyfriend took me to a very elegant and expensive restaurant to celebrate our anniversary. When it came to the check, I volunteered to pitch in half, which he rejected by saying "I got it". Little did I know was that "I got it" was short for "I got your credit card". FML

By IGOTIT - United States - Fountain Valley

47351

3542

Today, I was getting ready for a party and accidentally knocked my blender off the counter. After taking a half an hour to clean up all the glass, I went upstairs to get the spare blender I keep in the closet. I tripped, and broke the blender. I just applied for a waitressing job. FML

By cutiepatootie - United States

25965

6673

Today, I slashed my ass open with a shard of glass. How? I was making out with my crush, and threw my glasses on the ground. I forgot about them when we decided to lie down. FML

By Dockin - India

16147

37804

Today, my friends kidnapped me as a surprise birthday prank, and threw me into my own car's trunk. As they drove the car to PF Chang's, I'm freaking out, blindfolded and hogtied. My car was low on gas, and they ran out on the highway. They left me in the car on I-275 for 9 hours. FML

By worst day of my life

2684

176

Today, my spineless shitwhip of a boss made me go fire a notoriously abusive employee. I had to act like firing him was my decision, even though I'm the secretary. Now I get to live in constant fear that the guy was serious when he threatened to find out where I live and kill me. FML

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

24705

1680

Today, I took my new boyfriend to my step-sister's wedding. He knew more people there than I did, including 3 bridesmaids he used to sleep with. FML

By my boyfriend is a slut

4786

475

Today, my mum and I were referred to as "ladies". I'm happy for her, since she always complains about looking masculine. However, I would still like to be called a gentleman, seeing as how I am one. FML

By FML - United Kingdom - Glasgow

45111

3631

Today, I stumbled upon my girlfriend's Twitter account that I didn't know existed. A recent entry states that living with me is pathetic; "it's just that the current economical situation doesn't leave her with many options." FML

By Good_old_Grim - Latvia

35503

2787

Today, I spent ages looking for a parking space at the mall. I saw a couple walking out of the mall and decided to follow them and take their space when they left. After following them for a good ten minutes, I realised they were heading to the bus stop. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

9432

32687

Today, I was trying to keep myself occupied due to my recent breakup. I was reading this book someone gave me about animal communication, so after a while, I figured I'd give it a shot. Then it dawned on me; I'm single, at home on a Friday night, and I'm trying to talk to my dog. FML

By fall3nrain - United States

41700

7109

Today, I was unable to connect to the Internet. After calling support, I was informed that due to a cut cable, the whole country will have no service from that provider for some time. The. Whole. Country. FML

By How can you f*** up that bad!? - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Saudi end of the internet, and it was awful…

6528

466

Today, I was walking in Walmart with my dad. We walked past the deodorant aisle. My dad said, "Need any deodorant?" I said, "No thanks." He replied, "That was a hint." FML

By CanadianTwin - Canada - Grande Prairie

11701

32747

Today, I was looking online for an alternative number for the interior decorator that is making curtains for me because I couldn't get hold of him. Instead of his number I found a website warning people about him, saying he is a conman. I paid a very big deposit. FML

By Screwed - South Africa

50341

19197