Today, I walked all the way across campus to eat the first meal... - FML

By ulring - 12/2/2012 00:53 - United States

Today, I walked all the way across campus to eat the first meal I've had all day. After waiting for my food in a congested line for 30 minutes, I got to the register to pay. Turns out my wallet was a twenty minute walk away, back in my apartment. FML

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Work name

Insane parents

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By Anonymous - 20/5/2009 15:42 - United States

Today, me and my co-workers were playing with the Helium tank we got today. We were all giggling like little girls for the better half of 15 minutes. I don't know what is more sad, that a bunch of guys were sucking helium instead of working, or that the youngest guy in the group is 43. FML

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By LikeAndreTheGiant - 13/2/2017 22:00 - United States

Today, I noticed my doctor has freakishly huge hands. This normally wouldn't have bothered me were I not there for a prostate exam. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2012 14:43 - United States

Today, my crazy mother-in-law threatened to camp out outside my house so she will "never get left out" of our lives, all because we called instead of sending a written invitation to my three-year-old's birthday party. I actually believe she's crazy enough to do it. FML

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By John - 26/3/2012 02:53 - Saint Lucia

Today, I discovered that it is possible for bugs to lay eggs in your ears. FML

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By SadDad - 6/3/2009 01:51 - United States

Today, in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!" The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me. FML

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By caligirl4ever - 19/7/2019 12:00

Today, my boyfriend and I got robbed. He was so depressed about all the stuff we lost, I decided to cheer him up with a lap dance. I told him to sit on a chair. We have no furniture left. He started crying. FML

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By Alexander D. - 14/7/2012 00:48 - United States

Today, I was fired for telling a customer's kid to shut his mouth. As revenge, I sent the CEO a picture I acquired months ago of my boss drunkenly pissing on a cow. He wrote that it was the funniest thing he had ever seen, and that I am "clearly an insufferable killjoy; a total liability to the company." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2009 10:11 - United States

Today, I found out that a co-worker of mine that I had originally hired, trained, and mentored to work in my department for the past 4 years had just got the promotion that I had applied for. He is now my boss. FML

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By zstarr - 14/7/2012 11:15 - United States - Rome

Today, I realized my boyfriend uses sex as a way to get me to stop talking. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2019 14:05

Today, my mom called me to tell me she'd got in touch with my ex for his birthday, and that the two of them had made a plan for us to get back together. My new boyfriend was in the process of proposing to me. FML

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By cumbucket cops - 16/3/2014 17:53 - United States - Barberton

Today, I found out that my unemployed husband has his own web-comic, that he makes money off it, and that it mainly involves the main character's airhead, money-grubbing wife ruining his life. She looks strikingly like me and shares my name. FML

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By Username - 8/1/2011 07:01 - United States

Today, I got to listen to my younger brother have sex with a girl while I sat in my room playing World of Warcraft on a Friday night. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 06:24 - France

Inspired

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend. I started to come, screaming, "Ah... ah... ah... AHH!" To which he added, "Staying alive! Staying alive!" FML

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By Username - 8/7/2011 20:02 - United States

Today, I noticed a woman struggling to work a parking meter, so I went over to help. She took one look at me before screaming, hitting me in the face, and running back to her car. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2011 05:53 - United States

Today, I received a rejection letter from a college that I'd applied to 6 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2020 20:08

All weddings are themed

Today, I went to pick up my wedding dress from the seamstress, only to find out that my fiancé called two weeks ago to say I wanted the dress "tie-dyed to match our new theme." She believed him. Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

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By shiiiiit - 15/11/2009 09:23 - United States

Today, I was having trouble blowing out the last of the several candles on my bedside table. Exasperated, I blew as hard as I could, which sent hot wax from the other candles shooting into the air, all over my face and into my eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2013 23:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend from high school contacted me, telling me we should hang out some time; I casually agreed. Two hours later she's on my doorstep in tears, wanting me to take her back. She's married with kids. I live four states away and haven't a clue how she found out where I live. FML

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By Ugly - 8/3/2009 08:47 - United States

Today, I was looking at some comments on a silly YouTube video of me dancing with some friends. Someone posted a comment saying "Girl on the right is hot!!!." Next to that, it had about 31 thumbs down. I'm the girl on the right. FML

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By OhJoy - 2/11/2009 05:08 - United States

Today, I got an e-mail from a girl, asking if my boyfriend was indeed my boyfriend. I sent back a gushing message about how much I loved him and how well he treated me. She replied "Yeah, I know. He was supposed to be my boyfriend, too." FML

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By mfnfhdjdjddjsjfn - 3/9/2012 08:39 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was in a terrific mood after finding a bouquet of beautiful flowers on my doorstep when I came home. That is, until I recognised the handwriting of my "secret admirer" was the same as my mother's. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2009 18:18 - United States

Today, I heard an electric saw cutting through something outside my condo. I presumed it was a complex maintenance guy working on something. It was a thief using an angle grinder to cut off my bicycle's U-lock. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, my sister bought my five year old son a giant ant farm for his birthday. We set it in the living room on a table. I went into the kitchen for a minute, and when I walked back in to the living room, my son was holding the empty case over his head, smiling. FML

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By Username - 3/8/2019 18:00 - Korea Republic of

Today, I was sitting on the porch of my apartment when my drunk upstairs neighbour decided to take a piss. I got my first golden shower. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2013 16:50

Today, my boss declared total bankruptcy of the company and I lost my job. The good news is my coworkers and I all received McDonald's 10%-off coupons. They expired in 2003. FML

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By notaprossie - 3/2/2010 08:42 - South Africa

Today, I went to a dress up party. The theme was pirates and prostitutes. At the door I was handed a voucher that said: 'Thank you for dressing up. Collect your free drink at the bar.' I didn't dress up. FML

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By brbkillingmyself - 8/8/2015 22:52 - United States

Today, in the second week of August, hell has come to earth; my mom has been playing Christmas music all afternoon and is already searching online for decorations. I hope she buys a length of rope to go with them, because I've already given up on life. FML

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By icefly - 29/7/2016 15:39 - United States - Orlando

Today, I've owned my dream car for 11 days. Someone backed into it while it parked at work, and drove away without leaving a note. A man at a nearby business knows who did it but won't tell me because it was one of his customers. FML

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By kbartlett86 - 24/6/2010 20:02 - Canada

Today, after sitting for hours at my desk, my legs fell asleep. When I got up to go to the bathroom on my break, I couldn't walk properly and leaned against things so I wouldn't fall over. My supervisor then came over and started lecturing me about being drunk at work. FML

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By fgbh456 - 28/12/2011 00:48 - United States

Today, I confronted my mom about her drinking problems. After I blurted everything out, she completely denied it. She did this as she was drinking a huge cup full of vodka. FML

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By sigh - 29/3/2016 04:57 - United States - North Branford

Today, I gave the guy I've been seeing a copy of my newly published book, because I know he loves writing. He started reading and commented on how amazing it was. Then he gave it back. He didn't realize it was a gift. My awkward self didn't correct him. I'd written him a sweet letter inside. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2015 15:18 - United States

Today, the pills my doctor prescribed for my extremely painful period cramps apparently have a side effect; excruciatingly painful cramps. I feel like I'm being repeatedly stabbed in the ovaries with a rusty fork. FML

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By Remember the parking brake - 6/10/2010 23:41 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making love in the backseat. Being in the moment we didn't notice the car moving. We DID notice the pole that stopped us though. FML

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By Tallie - 1/10/2018 12:00

Today, I fell down the stairs, breaking my foot and tendons. It was the first time I had ever broken anything, and the doctor said that it's the most complicated break he'd ever seen. It's too complicated to operate. Now I'm stuck in a wheelchair for god knows how long. FML

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By Ashley - 7/9/2010 16:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex for the first time when my 4 year old sister walked in. She thought we were making a dog pile, so just as soon as my boyfriend was about to finish, she jumped on his back. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2016 03:37 - United States - Vienna

Today, I realized I didn't want to come home from a business trip because I like my job more than my husband. I hate my job. FML

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By Salvation711 - 15/4/2012 15:29 - United States

Today, a woman was staring at me. This went on for about five minutes until I couldn't take it anymore. I screamed at her to cut it out. It turns out she had a lazy eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2014 19:33 - United States - Fresno

Today, my 15-year-old son told me that he and his new girlfriend are deeply in love and are meant for each other. The "girlfriend" in question? My fiancé's 12-year old daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2020 02:00

Maoism intensifies

Today, like every evening, our place is literally shaking with banging noises from the apartment below. Are they raising ponies down there? Wrecking the furniture? Taking out some walls? No, it's just my landlord's six-year-old. Playing. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2012 19:03 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my sister asked me if I was going to be getting married "for real" this time, because she didn't want to waste her money like she did on my previous engagement. The reason that one didn't work out in the first place is because she slept with my fiancé. FML

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Top comments

By Pentium_4 | 26

#4024411 - Sunday 12 February 2012 9:41

if it was $7 or under and i was behind you, i would have paid for it OP

By 123josie123 | 11

#4024529 - Sunday 12 February 2012 10:07

You sir are very kind.

COMMENTS

By TheMotorCity | 6

#4024350 - Sunday 12 February 2012 9:30

White people problems

Reply

123josie123 | 11

#4024387 - Sunday 12 February 2012 9:36

Drop the race card, I hate double standards.

By alexh15 | 13

#4024359 - Sunday 12 February 2012 9:32

Food. Who needs it anyway? :P

Reply

Mandy0325 | 1

#4024442 - Sunday 12 February 2012 9:47

Yea should have checked to make sure.. But thats a horrible feeling o should know

Reply

theten_fml | 9

#4024494 - Sunday 12 February 2012 9:59

Run back to the apartment and take your food. Pay them tomorrow.

Reply

evilscorpi | 29

#4024620 - Sunday 12 February 2012 10:53

op needs a bike just to save time....ohhh the life of collage memories building up.

By joshthebandboy | 3

#4024375 - Sunday 12 February 2012 9:34

Meanwhile, a child in Africa just died of starvation.

By 123josie123 | 11

#4024381 - Sunday 12 February 2012 9:34

It happens to the best of us OP! Sorry :(

By Pentium_4 | 26

#4024411 - Sunday 12 February 2012 9:41

if it was $7 or under and i was behind you, i would have paid for it OP

Reply

nava1210 | 12

#4024456 - Sunday 12 February 2012 9:48

What about $7.50??

Reply

Pentium_4 | 26

#4024479 - Sunday 12 February 2012 9:53

hmmm, i guess i'd give them my lucky 50 cent piece in my shoe

Reply

123josie123 | 11

#4024529 - Sunday 12 February 2012 10:07

You sir are very kind.

Reply

nava1210 | 12

#4024567 - Sunday 12 February 2012 10:30

I'm going to hold that against you next time I stalk..I mean see you..umm, got to go.

Reply

Michael_92 | 20

#4024943 - Sunday 12 February 2012 13:52

Everyone on Fml should pay Pentium 4 a visit. Free meals for everyone!

Reply

GrahamAker | 3

#4025822 - Sunday 12 February 2012 19:02

I remeber once I was at movie theater when I was 11 I came up 3 dollars short of a meal and this big gangster looking guy paid for me. Friendly nieborhood gangsters ftw.

By toenibbler | 14

#4024465 - Sunday 12 February 2012 9:52

I forgot my house keys in my school locker the other day, my school is a twenty minute bikeride away. So I had to wait in the freezing cold for an hour for my mum to come home. I know how you feel.

Reply

monkeysinatree | 6

#4024677 - Sunday 12 February 2012 11:22

I would have ridden back and gotten it since I hate waiting and by doing anything. And then you still would have an extra 20 minutes :)

Reply

monkeysinatree | 6

#4024879 - Sunday 12 February 2012 13:20

* and NOT doing anything

Reply

OMGhiiiiii | 4

#4074852 - Thursday 23 February 2012 1:13

Should'be went back to school... It would've saved you 20 minutes.

Reply

OMGhiiiiii | 4

#4074869 - Thursday 23 February 2012 1:15

**should've

By SeemsToFail | 0

#4024537 - Sunday 12 February 2012 10:11

This is kind of sad I wouldve almost cryed depending on how hungry I was :[

By A100893 | 30

#4024694 - Sunday 12 February 2012 11:32

I hate when that happens. To prevent problems like this I check for all the important stuff I need before leaving my door. ID, keys, money, and ipod.

By kissie87 | 4

#4025147 - Sunday 12 February 2012 15:19

Sorry to hear that , that's crazy things happen but I know you was upset.

By epic13 | 12

#4025310 - Sunday 12 February 2012 16:14

At least you're not going to get fat!