Today, I started the job of my dreams. Our first marketing meeting...

By picklet - 12/5/2012 14:36 - Malaysia - Kajang

Today, I started the job of my dreams. Our first marketing meeting was an in-depth analysis of the phrase, "Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate". I have a 5 year contract. FML

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Work

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Not a cheating!

Time for the ER

By quietsleeper - 13/10/2009 11:07 - United States

Today, my new girlfriend told me I don't snore when I sleep. Which is funny, since during the last year of my marriage, my ex-wife would make me sleep on the couch because my loud snoring kept her up. FML

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By slickrick22 - 27/2/2012 02:43 - United States

Today, I had a dream about the damn cappuccino machine at work. FML

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By WTFFAIL - 3/12/2009 09:08 - United States

Today, I finished a 50 page term end thesis essay on the history of Russia. Looking over the final requirements once more, I find I made just a tiny little mistake. It was supposed to be a thesis on "Prussia". The paper's due tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2012 19:44 - United States - Fresno

Today, I walked into my house with my friend, only to discover my husband half-naked and yelling at the TV screen over a soccer game. By half-naked, I mean he was only wearing a shirt. FML

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By anonymous neighbor - 30/1/2009 14:42 - United States

Today, I went on a date with my really attractive neighbor, and at the end, when I leaned in to make out with her, she shook my hand. FML

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By McKenna - 16/7/2011 04:10 - United States

Today, I was sending my boyfriend dirty texts to try and turn him on so when I see him the next day he will want to get intimate. Twenty minutes later he texts back, "ew stop." FML

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By Microtron - 3/3/2015 00:48 - United States - Oxford

Today, a friend sent me a song. I didn't have time to listen to it all, so I listened to the first 30 seconds of it to get a feel for it. It was nice and uplifting, so I sent it to my mom. Turns out, after the first 30 seconds, the singer brightens his day by singing about his enormous penis. FML

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By mog - 7/11/2019 08:00 - United States

Office embarrassment

Today, the girl who works at the liquor store came to where I work. She recognized me. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2016 17:19 - United States

Today, I went on a camping trip. I already had a bad back, and then the guy in charge took us on a hike. My shoes were too small, and now I'm hobbling around with a bad back and foot. Every time I limp, it hurts my back, but if I walk normally, it hurts my foot. FML

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By leez - 1/2/2009 10:43 - United States

Today, my roommate has gone home for the weekend. She forgot to turn her alarm clock off. Her door is locked. FML

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By ToInsecure4me - 10/11/2011 19:20 - United States

Today, I had to stay late at work. My husband made me take a video of myself punching out, to prove I wasn't cheating on him. FML

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By Wrongdoor - 6/12/2009 14:58 - United States

Today, I was taking a placement test for the new college I am going to. After the test and picking up a few numbers, I left with great pride. I opened the door and started walking out. I then realized that I had walked into the closet. FML

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By xTRYSOFTx - 7/3/2020 03:00 - United States

Crime scene

Today, I called the police because I thought a burglar had broken into our house. I found out the strange noise was just my dog fucking about, so I smashed a small window and kicked down a door so I wouldn't be embarrassed. FML

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By LemonTree - 20/11/2014 11:32 - Hungary

Today, I realized that I ran out of deodorant. On top of that, I was late to work so I had to run, making me all sweaty and smelly. To cover it up, I used the air-freshener in the toilet at work. Everyone recognized the "Lemon Tree" scent and now all of my colleagues think I'm a cheap bastard. FML

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By dre_bro11 - 6/11/2011 12:17 - Australia

Today, I found the same spider which I had let live yesterday hidden in my bath towel. I didn't find it until it was smeared on my face. FML

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By ahhnotoy - 27/4/2009 02:29 - United States

Today, I bought a box of Fruit Loops. When I got home, I noticed a free prize would be in the box. I sifted through the box, looking for the small toy. It wasn't in there. I don't know what is more sad, the fact that I got ripped off by a children's cereal or that I'm 21 and upset by it. FML

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By Sonic - 29/3/2019 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss left a lovely invitation to her wedding on my desk. I plan on resigning during our meeting later today. FML

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By moonbears - 22/10/2015 16:46 - United States - Portland

Today, as I tried to parallel park at a busy spot downtown, a group of teens jumped in front of my car and started a slow clap. FML

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By noosher0990 - 18/2/2010 00:30

Today, I found out that my neighbor gets more pleasure out of me and my husband having it off then I do. FML

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By Me - 20/12/2016 01:40 - United States - Canyon Lake

Today, while reading out loud in front of my entire class and teacher, I learned that I can't pronounce the word 'success'. It came out as 'sex', and when I tried to correct myself more slowly (multiple times), it came out 'sexsex'. FML

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By shamefaced - 7/12/2012 03:11 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I dropped my handbag into a water-filled gutter. As I was hurriedly fishing out the contents of my bag, I looked up. There was my ex, with the girl he left me for walking past, timed exactly to coincide with me manically scooping up one of many rapidly absorbing tampons. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2015 00:20 - Canada - Toronto

Today, the doctor let me know I have an autoimmune disease. The disease results in ulcers in my colon which bleed when I poop. I cried, but only when I was told that I wouldn't be allowed to eat cheese anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2019 12:00

Drunk hookup ends with a… bang

Today, I woke myself up by farting in my sleep, only to realize that the guy I'd brought home from the bar was still next to me. He was awake. FML

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By thewhompingwillow - 1/9/2012 17:56 - United States - Springfield

Today, my dog, who has been specially trained to go for help when I'm having a seizure, went to alert my parents downstairs that I was having an emergency. The "emergency" was me masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2015 03:41 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I had to lie to my coworkers about me and some guy beating the absolute shite out of each other in a bar fight, all to avoid admitting my black eye was from my 7 year old son punching me in the face the other day. FML

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By Sean - 1/5/2013 04:44 - Canada - L'assomption

Today, from the balcony of my apartment, I watched helplessly as a teen came along and peed through my car's open window. FML

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By - 6/12/2018 21:00 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, when I went to my gp for an annual check up, I was complaining to the nurse about my chronically sore ankle. Turns out it has been fractured for 8 years. When I was 11 I was playing in my grans garden and went over on it. FML

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By missmolliss - 25/6/2015 20:59 - United States - Norfolk

Today, I keep getting calls from companies that I applied to for interviews. The thing is, I moved 1,000 miles away a week ago because I couldn't find a job. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2018 09:00 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, for the 2nd time in a month, I've been rear-ended at a stop light. One insurance company refuses to pay because of prior damage from the 1st accident, and the other won't pay because of new damage not caused by their client. I just want my car back. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2011 18:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The day before, I was too anxious to eat anything, so I went in with an empty stomach. There were complications during the extraction and now I'm not allowed to eat for the next 24 hours. FML

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By dumbass724 - 13/1/2020 14:00 - Canada - Brampton

First day at work

Today, it was my first day of work, and I was wondering why everyone was staring and laughing at me. I looked down and I realized that the fly on my jeans was open. FML

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By anon - 25/3/2013 18:31 - United States

Today, I got so drunk that I tasered myself in the balls as a joke, fell down my friend's porch stairs and rolled out into the street. FML

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By really - 13/12/2016 08:24 - Australia

Today, after telling my boss about my hearing problem, she simply told me to "listen harder". FML

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By trailertrashyanditsucks - 26/7/2013 19:55 - United States - Porter

Today, I heard my mom sobbing in the bathroom. Concerned, I went in to see what was wrong. I found her sitting on the toilet, pants down and a cigarette between her fingers. When I asked what was going on, she looked up at me and slurred that we'd run out of "shit-wipes." FML

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By jseid2 - 15/1/2014 05:54 - United States - San Leandro

Today, my students unanimously agreed, in front of me, that the only reason they take my course is to look at my ass. FML

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By Anon - 27/2/2010 16:07 - United States

Today, my boss told me that if I didn't become his neighbor on Farmville I wouldn't have a job. I laughed. He didn't. FML

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By artclasstrauma - 15/5/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, in my art class we had to paint a nude portrait of a fat, old woman. About halfway through the piece, and while painting her fat rolls, I realized she was the only person other than myself I had ever seen naked. FML

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By notexactly - 23/4/2009 07:36 - United States

Today, I didn't wear my contacts. Determined to prove to my friends I didn't need them, I read all the signs in sight. I couldn't read a particular one, so I began to walk closer. Suddenly I fell on my face, bruising my cheekbone. The sign said: "Caution: Watch Your Step." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2011 17:47 - United States

Today, my mom was feeling down because of her gray hairs. In an attempt to cheer her up, I suggested that she dye them. Her hair turned orange. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2016 18:54 - United Kingdom - Carlisle

Today, at a family dinner, I found the courage to tell my husband's parents about my schizophrenia. They exchanged weird looks and then there was an uncomfortable silence. Then my father-in-law finally says, "Christ. The grandkids won't come out all nutty, right?" FML

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Top comments

By tellithowitis | 13

#4425570 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:01

Don't potate appreciate

By ghostlilac | 25

#4425585 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:02

Why are you complaining? That's awesome!

Comments

By tellithowitis | 13

#4425570 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:01

Don't potate appreciate

egc573 | 40

#4425607 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:04

Something similar used to hang in my old Calculus class: "Don't hate, integrate!"

iLickRainbows | 2

#4425697 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:16

They should appreciate...appreciate the 5 years of job security.

MeeshaMeeshaPup | 8

#4425879 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:50

And OP gets paid to do this? SIGN ME UP.

FurryPride | 9

#4426038 - Saturday 12 May 2012 21:21

That sounds like a dream job to me. I don't see the problem in this

shift_love | 13

#4426464 - Saturday 12 May 2012 23:33

Masterbaters gotta mate?

ferrousWheel | 6

#4426552 - Sunday 13 May 2012 0:03

"Mate" is missing a few letters.

ColCyclone | 17

#4428431 - Sunday 13 May 2012 10:01

Anyone Internet savvy would kill for that job

DKjazz | 20

#4428585 - Sunday 13 May 2012 11:49

Taters gonna tate.

Pixie333 | 6

#4428587 - Sunday 13 May 2012 11:50

Should have been : Haters gonna hate, 'taters gonna 'Tate.

By esines | 9

#4425572 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:01

Hahaha that's fuckin hilarious

CaramelMacchiato | 13

#4425603 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:04

Almost as hilarious as your profile picture :]

esines | 9

#4425678 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:14

Thanks

CaramelMacchiato | 13

#4425704 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:17

Anytime, bretheren.

elisegreen | 4

#4429158 - Sunday 13 May 2012 14:44

The phrase is from
Janoskians !!

By SloppyFlamingo | 4

#4425578 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:02

Apparently you're a hater.

By XxchristinasmhxX | 0

#4425580 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:02

I love to potate!

Il_Maestro | 6

#4425594 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:03

These are things we keep to ourselves.

KriiFahMoro | 9

#4425954 - Saturday 12 May 2012 21:04

Whoa, shit. TMI

MysticKnight | 3

#4426234 - Saturday 12 May 2012 22:22

I love potatoes

By ghostlilac | 25

#4425585 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:02

Why are you complaining? That's awesome!

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#4426097 - Saturday 12 May 2012 21:44

Agreed. A 5 year contract at your "dream job" and you're letting one dubious meeting bring you down? Damn, people sure become complacent rather quickly.

Every job has its shit moments. Good luck ever finding a job in your line of work that doesn't have at least one dull meeting, boring task, tedious coworker, or idiot boss.