Work: Today, I started the job of my dreams. Our first marketing meeting...

By picklet - Malaysia - Kajang

Today, I started the job of my dreams. Our first marketing meeting was an in-depth analysis of the phrase, "Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate". I have a 5 year contract. FML

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Work

Late term

Coherence dude, do you have it?

That'll be Kevin in accounting

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was running a marathon. I stopped to massage my stiff legs, when an elderly spectator taunted, "Oohhh yeah, that's it! Massage those legs good, boy!" She looked about 70. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, my husband called me a nympho after I told him I'd ideally like us to have sex more than once a month. FML

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By casey - United States

Today, I was sitting at home when I remembered that I desperately needed gas for my car. On my way there, I prayed that my car would make it the whole way, and was thankful when I pulled up to the pump, because I knew my car wouldn't go any further. Then I realized I left my wallet at my house. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I find myself in an unfortunate situation. I met my girlfriend's family and it turns out she's the baby of the family with 7 older brothers, a dad and a granddad, and 6 uncles. That’s 15 very large, very overprotective men I’m sure all want me dead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I turned 17. My parents completely forgot it was my birthday, and when I reminded them, my dad thought it was my 18th. He was ecstatic and mentioned that I can "finally get the hell out." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the kids I babysit hid from me. While I was looking for them, I stepped on multiple strategically-placed Lego bricks. When I yelped from the pain, the kids jumped out and threw soccer balls in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my dad what his plans for Friday were. Apparently, he's going to a concert with my step-mom all evening. It's been their plan for months. Friday is my birthday. That's been set since the day I was born. FML

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By bigdaddy - United States

Today, I went out to a nice restaurant with my extended family. It was expensive, and when the bill came, I whispered to my brother, "We may need to make this one a Chew and Screw". When the waitress came back to the table, my five year old son decided to ask aloud "What's Chew and Screw?". FML

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By steveinnewsoh - United States

Today, I went to get a scratch off lottery ticket, and the dude in front of me got the same one I was going to get. He won 500 dollars. I got 2 bucks. FML

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By idontevencareanymore - United States - Jarrell

Today, my mom came home drunk and crying, so I tried to comfort her and asked what was wrong. She wasted no time admitting that she'd hooked up with her ex-husband, AKA my dad, but that it'd sucked for her because he has a tiny penis. Thanks, I really needed to know that. FML

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By yashika - United States - Denver

Today, I discovered that it doesn’t matter where I move, I will always wake up at 5 a.m. to the sound of construction directly above my ceiling. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Barry

Today, I had to sneak out of work to get my daughter from her school. Apparently, she had thought that hurling a bowling ball down the stairs during the lunch hour rush would make her cool. In actual fact, it made her expelled. FML

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By Stressed out mom

Incognito IRL

Today, my daughter confessed that she’s pregnant from a one-night stand with some guy she met on vacation in Florida a few months ago. The dirtbag never told her his last name and the phone number he gave her was fake. FML

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By Christine

Today I woke up with an extremely bad flu and severe nausea. As I rolled around wanting to die I remembered that 4 days prior, I had hoped to get a cold to skip a compulsary carol service for my Catholic school. Now, on Christmas Eve, I just want to say, be careful what you wish for. FML

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By Blah

Today, I learned that my (ex) boyfriend has a breastfeeding fetish. How did I learn this? I found him sneaking pictures of my breastfeeding sister. FML

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By Ugly - United States

Today, I was looking at some comments on a silly YouTube video of me dancing with some friends. Someone posted a comment saying "Girl on the right is hot!!!." Next to that, it had about 31 thumbs down. I'm the girl on the right. FML

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By SadDad - United States - Alexandria

Today, I came home to find my eight-year-old son had basically set fire to the kitchen, after trying to practice some kind of stupid shit he'd seen on TV called "fire bending." FML

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By a2 - Australia - Bayswater

Today, my boyfriend admitted to subtly encouraging me to do stupid things because he finds my "bimbo moments" hilarious. FML

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By lonely. - United States - Buffalo

Today, it finally clicked in my mind how desperately lonely I am, when I shaved one of my legs just to find out what a woman's leg feels like. FML

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By be_so_slick_56 - United States

Today, I found on the internet pictures of me sleeping. I sleep naked. FML

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By fleatitting fame - Norway - Oslo

Today, a guy told me that I look like Angelina Jolie. Before I could thank him, he continued, "I mean like in the chest area. After the mastectomy, you know?" FML

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By Boned...hard - France

Today, after confessing my love for my best friend, he looked at me and said "I'm not feeling it. But does this mean we can have sex?" FML

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By TKDConnor92 - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping a 7 year old student in my martial arts class with his kicks. My reward? A surprisingly powerful kick to the testicles. FML

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By Bad parenting101 - United States - Denver

Today, my son shaved his eyebrows. Two days ago, I caught my 10-year-old daughter watching porn. I'm totally winning at parenting. FML

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By rollercoaster - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year broke up with me. Completely crushed, I spent an hour gathering up everything he ever gave me. Then he calls back to say how stupid he was and how he wanted me back. I was ecstatic. An hour later he figured out he was okay with his first decision. FML

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By jack the ripped - United States

Today, while examining my busted nose in the mirror, I had a sneeze attack. Now it looks like someone got their throat slashed in my bathroom. FML

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By sosadstudent - Netherlands

Today, I realized I can tell which one of my 6 roommates has taken a dump, just based on the smell emanating from the toilet. FML

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By El Camino - United States

Today, I parked in a different lot because the one I usually park in was full. When I came back later, a bumper sticker was stuck to the windshield that said, "INCONSIDERATE F***, DON'T PARK HERE AGAIN!" To make matters worse, it was stuck on with a special type of glue, so it can't be removed. FML

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By deathstar3548 - United States - Orlando

Today, I learned that even though a woman has a baby carriage and seems friendly, she won't be afraid to mug you in front of her kid. FML

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By connor1701

Today, I went to put my coat on to go out. I put my hand in my pocket, not knowing there was a mouse sleeping in there. I squeezed it, it bit me and ran off. FML

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By ModernCindy - United Kingdom - Cleveleys

Today, I felt like Cinderella. No, I didn't lose a shoe in public. Nor did I dance with Prince Charming. But I did get a visit from tiny wild mice in my home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I found out that when I text my boyfriend, he isn't the one to read them. Instead, he pays his friend to "keep the bitch busy." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tyrone

Today, my dad asked my brother not to use his shaver so late at night. That wasn't him, and it wasn't his shaver either. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were hugging when she put her feet on my feet. We started walking around like that and I said, "This is hard to maintain." She replied with "So's your erection." FML

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By jeoak - India

Today, I was moving into my new apartment. The previous owner had refused to move out until today, and when I got there, I realized I didn't have a key. I was about to call him when I found out I didn't need to; he took the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving along, and went to spit out my window. My window was up. This happened in heavy traffic. People saw. FML

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By smellsofeggs - United Kingdom

Today, I was having a playful fight with my brother. I made the point that our dog likes me better than him. To this, my dog jumped onto the sofa, turned to me and vomited on my face. FML

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By Mezzlegasm - United States

Today, I was talking to my good friend's girlfriend. She mentioned being afraid of losing her job. Because she was still a teenager, I jokingly said, "oh, like you're responsible for a whole family." She is. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By Lady - United States

Today, I had to clean my house to hide the evidence of the party I threw last night. I attempted to clean the puke stain on my carpet while still drunk. I didn't realize until this morning that the All Purpose cleaner I used was actually All Purpose Adhesive. The evidence is now glued to my carpet. FML

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By almost_a_pro - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, I was home alone and tried to make some popcorn so I could watch a movie. Thirty minutes later, my parents came home and found me talking to the firemen. FML

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Top comments

By tellithowitis | 13

#4425570 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:01

Don't potate appreciate

By ghostlilac | 25

#4425585 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:02

Why are you complaining? That's awesome!

COMMENTS

By tellithowitis | 13

#4425570 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:01

Don't potate appreciate

egc573 | 40

#4425607 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:04

Something similar used to hang in my old Calculus class: "Don't hate, integrate!"

iLickRainbows | 2

#4425697 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:16

They should appreciate...appreciate the 5 years of job security.

MeeshaMeeshaPup | 8

#4425879 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:50

And OP gets paid to do this? SIGN ME UP.

FurryPride | 9

#4426038 - Saturday 12 May 2012 21:21

That sounds like a dream job to me. I don't see the problem in this

shift_love | 13

#4426464 - Saturday 12 May 2012 23:33

Masterbaters gotta mate?

ferrousWheel | 6

#4426552 - Sunday 13 May 2012 0:03

"Mate" is missing a few letters.

ColCyclone | 17

#4428431 - Sunday 13 May 2012 10:01

Anyone Internet savvy would kill for that job

DKjazz | 20

#4428585 - Sunday 13 May 2012 11:49

Taters gonna tate.

Pixie333 | 6

#4428587 - Sunday 13 May 2012 11:50

Should have been : Haters gonna hate, 'taters gonna 'Tate.

By esines | 9

#4425572 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:01

Hahaha that's fuckin hilarious

CaramelMacchiato | 13

#4425603 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:04

Almost as hilarious as your profile picture :]

esines | 9

#4425678 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:14

Thanks

CaramelMacchiato | 13

#4425704 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:17

Anytime, bretheren.

elisegreen | 4

#4429158 - Sunday 13 May 2012 14:44

The phrase is from
Janoskians !!

By SloppyFlamingo | 4

#4425578 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:02

Apparently you're a hater.

By XxchristinasmhxX | 0

#4425580 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:02

I love to potate!

Il_Maestro | 6

#4425594 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:03

These are things we keep to ourselves.

KriiFahMoro | 9

#4425954 - Saturday 12 May 2012 21:04

Whoa, shit. TMI

MysticKnight | 3

#4426234 - Saturday 12 May 2012 22:22

I love potatoes

By ghostlilac | 25

#4425585 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:02

Why are you complaining? That's awesome!

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#4426097 - Saturday 12 May 2012 21:44

Agreed. A 5 year contract at your "dream job" and you're letting one dubious meeting bring you down? Damn, people sure become complacent rather quickly.

Every job has its shit moments. Good luck ever finding a job in your line of work that doesn't have at least one dull meeting, boring task, tedious coworker, or idiot boss.