Work: Today, I started the job of my dreams. Our first marketing meeting...

By picklet - Malaysia - Kajang

Today, I started the job of my dreams. Our first marketing meeting was an in-depth analysis of the phrase, "Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate". I have a 5 year contract. FML

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Work

This Charming Man

Break time

Freshman blues

By joshua - United States

Today, I started work at my new job. I was excited to have been given an office of my own, but shortly after sitting down at my desk, the door across the hall opened and an unspeakably murderous stench that could've curdled milk seeped in. My office is opposite the men's room. Great. FML

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By notagyno - Romania - Bucharest

Stickler for details

Today, I realized how badly medical education has ruined me when I couldn't enjoy erotic literature because of one subtle anatomy mistake the author made. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rochester

Today, I lost my virginity. We did it on the floor in my step-sister's room, and the entire time he kept pushing my head into the carpet. I lost my V-card but gained rug burn on my face that looks like a fatal disease. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was on a subway with my boyfriend and it was stopping so I grabbed the pole for support. I felt another hand grabbing onto the pole knowing it was my boyfriend's. Without looking I carressed and tickled his hand. I turned around to smile at my boyfriend. The hand wasn't his. FML

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By single not ready to mingle - 27/10/2020 18:02 - United States

Fuck the patriarchy

Today, my now ex-boyfriend told me that we could keep dating, but he doesn’t see a future with me because I’m not a good submissive woman like his mother. His mother who’s been married four times for cheating on all her husbands. Yeah, good woman indeed. FML

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By Damnsoup - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my fiancé's house to have dinner with his family for the first time. Trying to be polite at the end of the meal I went to take the plates in to the kitchen. I overestimated how heavy the half-finished soup pot was, and threw soup all over myself and future mother-in-law. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2020 00:02 - Greece - Thessaloniki

On the beat

Today, in my orchestra, I was one of the 2 instruments that starts first. The conductor raised his hands, but while I was waiting for the preparatory beats, I blinked. When I opened my eyes, the conductor had already started. I started late, in front of a thousand people. The conductor is still angry with me. FML

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1114

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By cantgetup - Canada

PRAISE THE LORD!

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend can only orgasm when we have sex to gospel music. FML

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55388

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By Anonymous

Today, I told my boyfriend I love him. Being dumped wasn't the reaction I was expecting. FML

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2792

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By Neuronerd - United States - Richmond

Today, my Uber driver tried to detour my trip home to take me on a date to Waffle House, even after I showed zero interest and talked about my boyfriend non-stop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a new CD player for my car and an alarm installed for added security. After work, I saw my windows smashed, the CD player gone, the alarm wires cut, and a note that said, "Try again." FML

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By Nick M

Today, my 18th birthday, I woke up vomiting with a temperature of 104 degrees. After I settled back in bed with some water, my mom said, "This is how you're supposed to feel on your 21st birthday, not your 18th." FML

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7165

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By ohman - United States

Today, I was walking down the street and while stopped at a light, this old man waved at me. Thinking nothing of it, I walked through a parking lot to get to where I was going, where he not only followed me, but mistook me for a prostitute. It was 5pm. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt - Cairo

Today, I found out where all my missing panties have gone, when my 12-year-old daughter was caught selling them to the boys at school. FML

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33105

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By yosmurf

Today, my son proudly announced to me that he has been learning to cut out shapes at school, and that he'd cut out some ovals and wanted to show me. He showed me the pictures of Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson and Jackson and their corresponding bills. FML

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1786

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was just about done with my late-night shift at Ralph's. As I was about to put up my "Closed Lane" sign, an elderly women starts putting items on the conveyor belt. The cost was $14.79, and she paid with pennies. It took her ages to count them all, and I wasn't being paid overtime. FML

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31555

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I heard that my ex-girlfriend was spreading scurrilous rumours about me all over our university. It appears that I distribute white supremacist propaganda, and that my sexual fantasies involve animals and vegetation. FML

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29748

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By newlydumped - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house for the first time. I had to use the restroom, and when I came back, I mocked her brothers' lame Pokémon shower curtain and Ninja Turtle towels. Turns out they were hers. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me via Twitter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I shaved my vagina for the first time ever. Had sex with my husband and then asked if he liked that. He said, "You've done that before, though". I haven't. We've been married 15 years. FML

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By KMilly - United States

Today, I rolled down the windows in my car. When I tried to roll up the passenger side window, it was stuck. Rain was coming so I freaked out and brought it to the dealership to get it fixed. The man pushed the child safety lock button and the entire garage erupted in laughter. FML

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By lovingsnow - Singapore

Today, I got back home and my hamster was dead. I left notes two weeks ago everywhere to remind my parents to feed it while I was overseas. Apparently, my parents even didn't realize I was gone. FML

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33166

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By StaceZN

Today, on site, my client was certain she had switched off her electric fence prior to me conducting an inspection of her boundary retaining wall. I overbalanced on my ladder and grabbed at the fence wires for support. The electricity was not switched off. FML

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9793

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, a while after finishing and uploading a task, I looked at my peers' work to make sure I hadn't missed anything in mine. One of them had gotten the same idea and had decided to incorporate part of my work into his. "Part" as in "all". "All" as in all of his work is also all of mine. FML

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By aerythia - United States - Nashville

Today, it's my birthday and my ex husband texted me at midnight to tell happy birthday. Too bad he couldn't have texted my new husband to remind him. FML

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32568

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By Michael - 5/2/2021 21:30 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Give me strength

Today, I wanted to clean my house. Of course the vacuum cleaner got stuck behind furniture multiple times. After the fifth time or so, I gave it a good pull. Now my vacuum cleaner is broken and the socket is off the wall. FML

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282

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By catt - Germany - Berlin

Today, my boyfriend tried to rid me of my hiccups. As he'd screamed at me and I'd pissed my pants, I just burst into tears. FML

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33460

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2020 13:01 - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Second class citizen

Today, I got told I am not a good fit for a company because I'm disabled. But that's OK, I can volunteer for the same role, as I don't really need to work anyway, because I'm disabled apparently. FML

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1523

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By Jims - Singapore

Today, the only person who wished me a happy birthday is the policeman who checked my identity card for being "suspiciously gangster-like". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating right after I maxed out my credit card buying him everything on his Christmas list. FML

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35829

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By Kate - United States

Today, I was reading a crappy "How to spice up your marriage" book with my husband for laughs. One of the ideas was for the guy to whip his knob out, stand behind his girl and say "Can you say that into the microphone?" Now he does it every chance he gets, and I fall for it EVERY TIME. FML

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14592

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend, who hasn't shaved in a month, went to go shave. I was pretty excited since his beard was starting to make my face itch whenever we kissed. When he came out of the bathroom he had a handlebar mustache. FML

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33669

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By Anonymous

Today, getting home from a long day at work, I checked the mail and saw 3 envelopes from the IRS. Apparently I now owe over $4,000. I only have $2 in my bank account. FML

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2536

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By sorenips - Canada

Today, after a great treadmill run at my gym, I noticed a stain on my clothing. Apparently my nipple chafed so badly that it bled through my white t-shirt, and I'd walked around the gym completely oblivious. FML

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30862

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By Unemployed - United States

Today, while reading over my sent application email to a job I have been trying to get, I found out my brother had put "Heil Hitler!" as my signature. FML

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40894

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By itsgonnabealongnight... - United States

Today, I was at my grandparents' house, when the power went out. Even though we were supplied with candles and flashlights, we still had to stumble around in the darkness. They'd left both the candles and flashlights in the pitch black, unnavigable basement. FML

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24301

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after driving hundreds of miles to sign the paperwork for my new job, I found out the guy who hired me recently quit, and HR has no idea who I am. FML

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36472

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sent the girl I like a Twinkie with a note saying "Enjoy! You deserve it". I found out later through an angry email that someone had written "you damn fatty" on the end of the note. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32086

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By Lockie - Australia

Today, while at work in a subscription TV call center, a 71 year old male customer went into explicit detail about the Adult's Only programming that he enjoys, including all the kinky things he learns from said programming and tries out on his 70 year old wife. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, wanting to be romantic, I came home with flowers, and told my girlfriend I love her and that I never want us to fall apart. Before I could finish my second sentence, she farted, said, "Aww, that's so sweet" and quickly excused herself to the bathroom. FML

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Top comments

By tellithowitis | 13

#4425570 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:01

Don't potate appreciate

By ghostlilac | 25

#4425585 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:02

Why are you complaining? That's awesome!

COMMENTS

By tellithowitis | 13

#4425570 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:01

Don't potate appreciate

egc573 | 40

#4425607 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:04

Something similar used to hang in my old Calculus class: "Don't hate, integrate!"

iLickRainbows | 2

#4425697 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:16

They should appreciate...appreciate the 5 years of job security.

MeeshaMeeshaPup | 8

#4425879 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:50

And OP gets paid to do this? SIGN ME UP.

FurryPride | 9

#4426038 - Saturday 12 May 2012 21:21

That sounds like a dream job to me. I don't see the problem in this

shift_love | 13

#4426464 - Saturday 12 May 2012 23:33

Masterbaters gotta mate?

ferrousWheel | 6

#4426552 - Sunday 13 May 2012 0:03

"Mate" is missing a few letters.

ColCyclone | 17

#4428431 - Sunday 13 May 2012 10:01

Anyone Internet savvy would kill for that job

DKjazz | 20

#4428585 - Sunday 13 May 2012 11:49

Taters gonna tate.

Pixie333 | 6

#4428587 - Sunday 13 May 2012 11:50

Should have been : Haters gonna hate, 'taters gonna 'Tate.

By esines | 9

#4425572 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:01

Hahaha that's fuckin hilarious

CaramelMacchiato | 13

#4425603 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:04

Almost as hilarious as your profile picture :]

esines | 9

#4425678 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:14

Thanks

CaramelMacchiato | 13

#4425704 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:17

Anytime, bretheren.

elisegreen | 4

#4429158 - Sunday 13 May 2012 14:44

The phrase is from
Janoskians !!

By SloppyFlamingo | 4

#4425578 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:02

Apparently you're a hater.

By XxchristinasmhxX | 0

#4425580 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:02

I love to potate!

Il_Maestro | 6

#4425594 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:03

These are things we keep to ourselves.

KriiFahMoro | 9

#4425954 - Saturday 12 May 2012 21:04

Whoa, shit. TMI

MysticKnight | 3

#4426234 - Saturday 12 May 2012 22:22

I love potatoes

By ghostlilac | 25

#4425585 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:02

Why are you complaining? That's awesome!

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#4426097 - Saturday 12 May 2012 21:44

Agreed. A 5 year contract at your "dream job" and you're letting one dubious meeting bring you down? Damn, people sure become complacent rather quickly.

Every job has its shit moments. Good luck ever finding a job in your line of work that doesn't have at least one dull meeting, boring task, tedious coworker, or idiot boss.