Intimacy and Health: Today, I was getting one of the best blow jobs I have ever received....

By Anonymous

Today, I was getting one of the best blow jobs I have ever received. My girlfriend was getting into it when I heard an "uh oh". Her tongue ring got twisted around the hair close to my balls. She started to pull, I started to scream. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5853

1694

On the ball

This is fine

Fire hydrant

By Kiki - Poland - Myslenice

Today, my boyfriend came over and dropped off my phone, which I'd left at his place the night before. He immediately left in a sulk. As I looked through my texts, I discovered he was only so moody because I hadn't answered any of his calls or messages. I'm dating an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39037

You deserved it

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By snowmon06

Today, a girl on my Snapchat list posted a story asking for anybody who was awake to talk to her. Me being awake, I took her up on the request. Her response? "Sorry I didn't mean you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14010

You deserved it

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By hospitalflunky - United States

Today, I got an email from a professor saying he was going to fail me for missing the alloted absences, which is school policy. I pointed out I was in the hospital for two weeks with a life threatening illness and that he even came to visit me. He told me "rules are rules." FML

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You deserved it

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By Dan - United States

Today, I got a call from my ex asking if I could fix her computer. I brought my 7 year old son with me. On the way I told him, how I hated her, but I can't be rude. Once we get there, I say to her "it's nice to see you." My son says "but I thought you said you want her to fall off a bridge?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

10765

You deserved it

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By dino317 - United States

Today, after many weeks of talking to this guy over the phone for hours on end and establishing that we both had feelings for the other, we met in person. He saw me, got an "emergency text," and hasn't talked to me since. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31053

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my sister called me a moron after I told her that no, healthy foods do not give you "negative calories". She's 21 and goes around telling everyone that she's an expert nutritionist. FML

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21384

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By mustanggt - United States - La Porte

Today, I was in traffic court trying to get out of a ticket. The judge called my defense "complete, unadulterated bullshit." FML

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8823

You deserved it

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By iamnotuseless

Today, I went to my local pharmacy. Walking in, the security guard rudely asked me what I was going to buy. I brushed him off and walked in. I was paying and told the cashier what happened. She said "Sorry, we get a lot of hobos, they tend to steal." FML

I agree, your life sucks

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You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Tulsa

Today, in my job as an assistant at a music venue, I had to get posters signed by that night's performer. When I walked into the dressing room, I was told, "unless you're sucking my cock then get the fuck out of here" and had the posters slapped out of my hands. It's my job to deal with these pricks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39937

You deserved it

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By Awkward - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I sat awkwardly and pretended like I didn't notice my cousin discreetly trying to masturbate while talking to me. This isn't the first time anything like this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38774

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while on my run, I was attacked by my neighbor's new dog. It apparently didn't like me running past their house and broke free from its chain. I now have stitches and was just told that I'm probably being taken to court for the emotional distress I caused her and the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, after months of searching I finally got a job interview. Too bad I didn't have enough money to buy a bus ticket to get there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30202

You deserved it

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By cooploops - United States - Memphis

Today, I went to the mall with some friends. We all kept smelling this god awful B.O. smell and had no idea where it was coming from. On the car ride home, we all figured out it was actually me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28349

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that when someone says "I know what you did" it's better not to confess right away, because sometimes they could be talking about leaving the computer on all night, and not talking about giving the family dog away and telling everyone it ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7100

You deserved it

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By ChimerV - France - Champenoux

Today, a customer limped over to me in one of the dishwasher aisles and asked if we sold dishwashers. I said yes and pointed at all the dishwashers. He looked around for a couple of seconds, belched, then said "Oh... right!" and walked off. No commission for me, then. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28404

You deserved it

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By smoker - United States

Today, I was in a hurry to get to work, and in my car I had two drinks settled down in my cup holder. One was my coffee, and the other was an unfinished cup of coffee where I ash and toss my cigarettes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6438

You deserved it

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By Foreverathome - United States

Today, after months of telling my parents I was going to live on my own, I finally moved out. Not even 24 hours being out of their house, some reject burned down the apartment complex I live in. Guess who's moving back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35811

You deserved it

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By Anonymous

Today, I went home for lunch. Upon opening the door, I smelled something horrid. My dog had opened his cage, eaten all the dog treats, and had diarrhea all over my bed and bedroom floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1604

You deserved it

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By lame - Canada

Today, I ate a chocolate bar before getting my morning coffee. While waiting for it, a good looking guy starts talking to me, then suddenly loses interest. Afterwards, I see the chocolate on my face in my car mirror. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10360

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was babysitting my boss' kids. I brought chocolate for them and the youngest said he had never had chocolate and didn't want any. I told him he should always try new things and should eat it. He did. He's allergic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15369

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Woodbridge

Today, the 3 girls who have continuously bullied me for the past 3 years gave a class presentation on why bullying is so terrible. Judging from our teacher's comments, they're going to get top marks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29464

You deserved it

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By Anonymous

Today, I made eye-contact with a cute guy in a store. Too bad he saw me buying anti-diarrhea medicine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1705

You deserved it

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By Mahomie123 - United States

Today, I had an all day volleyball tournament in a town an hour away. My dad left early, not realizing he was my ride home. I'm now stranded in the middle of a rural town with no way home anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37234

You deserved it

4009

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By deranged - Ukraine - Pirogov

Today, my girlfriend and I went to the bank to get her new ATM card. As the bank teller gave her the card, he said that the PIN remained the same. Indignant, she cried out, "How do you possibly know my PIN code?" She's 27. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3923

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Bronx

Today, while eating cotton candy, a drunk person came up to me and said "HEY! COTTON CANDY!" And bit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40829

You deserved it

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By :/ - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I finally worked up enough courage to ask out the guy I've had a crush on for months. I texted him, and he thought I was Maddy from work, not Maddie his neighbor. Now he and the Maddy from his work are dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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You deserved it

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By elvisfreak5446 - United States

Today, I was arguing with a friend over whether or not I'm fat. She kept telling me that I was. Angry, I sat down on the chair beside her. It broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32123

You deserved it

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By Homeless - United States

Today, I got back to my apartment from being away for the past week on Spring break. I found the locks on my apartment changed and all my things on the curb, many of them broken or stolen. I ran to the leasing office to see what had happened. Turns out it was an accounting error on their part. FML

I agree, your life sucks

96865

You deserved it

3511

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By picklemonger - Canada

Today, I walked out of the store, car keys in hand, only to discover my car was missing. After a frantic search, I started to hyperventilate and a nearly had a full-blown panic attack. Then I remembered I walked to the store. I am an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24564

You deserved it

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By lolilovemyboyfriend - United States

Today, my eleven year old sister came in, and bitched to me and my boyfriend about how she was going to tell my mom about the used condom she found. My boyfriend punched her in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58788

You deserved it

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By qx5 - Canada

Today, I put my paycheck in my wallet, intending to cash it in the next day. Later on, I met up with a friend and went to a party. I ended up getting so drunk, I gave away my $400 check in exchange for a pack of smokes, thinking it was a $5 bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9499

You deserved it

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By IHateMyJob - United States

Today, while scrubbing my car with the foam brush at a car wash, the hose for the brush came whipping around and smacked me hard in the side of the head, knocking off my glasses. I got disoriented from the blow and stepped on my glasses, completely smashing them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27602

You deserved it

3371

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By NowImSingle

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me and threw all my stuff out into the yard because she caught me "texting another woman". Guess it didn't matter to her that the contact name was "Mom". FML

I agree, your life sucks

5378

You deserved it

400

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By screewit - United States

Today, I called my girlfriend and she answered telling me how amazing the sex was last night and she can't wait to see me later. I didn't see her last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

101498

You deserved it

4940

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was just finishing my grocery shopping, a little girl and her mother walked past. Seeing the little girl staring at me, I waved. The girl then pointed to me and asked her mother "Mommy, is that man pregnant?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

27776

You deserved it

7289

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By Imnotfromhere - 31/3/2021 16:59

Hot pixels

Today, after months of having my standards lowered by how unattractive guys' dating profiles are, I found myself masturbating to the yellow guy from Sin City. Yep. He's hot compared to my real options. FML

I agree, your life sucks

486

You deserved it

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By not a shitty situation so fuck you - United States - San Francisco

Today, in a public toilet, I got to experience a guy high out of his mind kicking in my locked stall door and puking all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13738

You deserved it

756

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By MBC - United States

Today, after my two credit cards were stolen, thousands were charged before I could cancel. The thief dropped nearly $1,000 at Juicy Couture, so she/he is somewhere laughing at me in a magenta, rhinestoned "leisure suit." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31175

You deserved it

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By fyourlife - United States

Today, while working as a cashier, I was flirting with this cute girl. When I asked her if she had her store card she said "No", paused, then said "Can I give you my number?". I said "Sure, that would be awesome, do you want mine?". She said no. I didn't know I could just enter the card number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12774

You deserved it

36789

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By peopleinthepark - United States

Today, it was beautiful out. I decided to play guitar at the park near my house. I left my guitar case open, asking not for money but for feedback. I got two pieces of paper with feedback: 1) You're fat. 2) Get a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47860

You deserved it

13406

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Top comments

By Clapdaddy | 16

#7568007 - Saturday 25 November 2017 6:26

Shave. Problem solved, never worry about it again.

By manb91uk | 22

#7568136 - Saturday 25 November 2017 13:51

COMMENTS

By user53658 | 15

#7563925 - Tuesday 14 November 2017 15:09

Same thing happend when I gave my girlfriend head.
Good thing is, she's now finally considering shaving.

chubbear | 14

#7568310 - Saturday 25 November 2017 23:01

Gave her "head"? Does she have a dick too?

By Clapdaddy | 16

#7568007 - Saturday 25 November 2017 6:26

Shave. Problem solved, never worry about it again.

Dave_Davington | 33

#7568016 - Saturday 25 November 2017 6:51

Are you kidding? Small, sharp metal objects near his yoghurt artillery is exactly why he's in this situation in the first place.

Wintermelons | 19

#7584425 - Wednesday 10 January 2018 7:56

What the fuck

By RichardPencil | 30

#7568023 - Saturday 25 November 2017 7:06

Waxing down there wouldn’t be a good idea for you.

Nikki_Lattimore | 8

#7571653 - Monday 4 December 2017 19:37

This would be a horrible thjng to say (let alone read) if it wasn't so fucking funny). Hahaha

By snailsinyourtea | 15

#7568026 - Saturday 25 November 2017 7:37

I’d recommend waxing but then again that’s how it feels like.

By manb91uk | 22

#7568136 - Saturday 25 November 2017 13:51

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7568146 - Saturday 25 November 2017 14:22

If 911 had to be called, I would have loved to hear or read the transcript for that one!

Glitterbaby2613 | 18

#7972412 - Thursday 18 February 2021 7:14

look up youtube video called "911 call about a man getting bottle stuck up his ass" I promise you won't be disappointed 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

By sumocj | 14

#7568158 - Saturday 25 November 2017 15:01

This is an fml for both of you. She has to deal with your harry balls

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7568235 - Saturday 25 November 2017 18:57

Manscaping, a friend to one and all.

GIJoefan | 6

#7568317 - Saturday 25 November 2017 23:26

Exactly!

By Krystal Marie | 1

#7568266 - Saturday 25 November 2017 20:27

Maybe if you manscaped this wouldn't have happened.

By Zeatha Mistron | 7

#7568293 - Saturday 25 November 2017 22:27

Manscaping