Today, I was getting one of the best blow jobs I have ever received....

By Anonymous

Today, I was getting one of the best blow jobs I have ever received. My girlfriend was getting into it when I heard an "uh oh". Her tongue ring got twisted around the hair close to my balls. She started to pull, I started to scream. FML

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5834

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Business school of business school

What a tool

Thanks for all the help

By Melaknee - United States

Today, I saw an attractive man outside the club I was trying to get into to. We talked, and ended up having sex in my apartment. The next day when I was dropping him off, I discovered he was homeless and was outside the club begging for money. My house is suddenly out of bread and cheese. FML

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35356

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By Anon - United States

Today, I discovered that my name literally means "burden". This wouldn't be so bad if both my mother and father knew this when they named me. FML

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30055

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I pissed my younger brother off. Seemingly unrelated to this was the fact that I left my laptop on in my room along with MSN signed into my email adress. Now, all my contacts know that I apparently "just love the warm feeling of semen sliding down my throat". FML

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48703

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By giantsfan2010 - United States

Today, after working and saving up money for an entire year, I bought a 2001 VW Cabrio. I showed it to my friends, they all laughed at me and told me it was a girl's car. FML

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18469

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By Arthur - United States

Today, my neighbor scolded me for "allowing" her son to be bitten by one of my dogs. This would be reasonable, except for the fact that her kid had jumped my fence and tried to steal a rattle out of my daughter's hands. FML

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48180

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By Anonymous - United States - Decatur

Today, my parents favoritism towards my brother really shone through when we moved house and he got the nicest and by far biggest room. I wouldn't mind, but my brother is in college overseas and never comes home. FML

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48268

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By - 8/3/2020 20:17

Right in the kisser

Today, I was in sociology class and I raised my hand to ask a question, not realizing that the professor was right behind me. I smacked him right in the face, no doubt reducing my chances of a good grade. FML

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1320

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195

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By NNTA - Netherlands - Maastricht

Today, as I was driving back home from my grandma's, I looked over at the guy in the lane beside me, only to witness him with a sandwich between his teeth and his cock in his free hand. Now I know why I don't leave the city, or even drive, more often. FML

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44136

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By fingwhore - United States - Greensboro

Today, my girlfriend came back from camping with her friends. I say "friends", I mean "friend". And when I say "friend", I mean "her ex". I took a look through her bag afterwards, and well, who knew condoms were considered camping equipment these days. FML

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58417

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By sopathetic - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around. I was sitting up on my bed when he reached down near my privates and said, "Wow babe, did you shave today? It's so soft..." He was actually touching my bottom roll above my vagina which delightfully formed a crease. FML

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57842

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, while driving to my daughter's wedding, the person behind us kept laying on her horn and yelling every time I stopped for a red light. That person was my wife. Sadly I'm too whipped to stand up to her and spent the whole drive pretending not to hear my passengers snickering at me. FML

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29300

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By dazzla08 - United States

Fundies say the darndest things

Today, my husband told me doesn't really love me. He only married me because we had a daughter, and his grandmother told him he had to so she wouldn't be "an abomination to God." FML

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1671

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By Anonymous - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. He's Latino, so I thought he'd like it if I made a bit of noise and called him "papi" while we did it. It freaked him out enough to kill his boner, and now he thinks I have some kind of incest fetish. FML

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23515

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By apparantlyStupid - Canada - Okotoks

Today, I confronted my daughter about the various drug-associated items I found in her room. She then confronted me about going in her room and invading her privacy, to the point where I forgot the main issue and apologised to her. I just got outsmarted by a teenage pothead. FML

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12284

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By Margaret - 4/9/2020 02:02 - Canada - Toronto

Rollercoaster

Today, within the span of one day, the owner of the business I work at said I could write "Technical & Compliance Manager" on paperwork where I was the approver for engineered compliance of product regulatory records, but also that I was "basically just a secretary." FML

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1010

You deserved it

147

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By post-loss

Today, in my excitement to make some new cards for the postcard exchange I take part in, I apparently spilled my bottle of glue directly into the bag that contains my entire postcard collection. I didn't notice until several hours later. FML

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3558

You deserved it

562

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By Anonymous - United States - Paducah

Today, it was my 16th birthday. My surprise was a new car, that is now in the side of the garage because my mom lost control while driving it around front. FML

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27911

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By burnswhenipee - Canada - London

Today, I had to get stitches in my vagina due to an unfortunate mishap while climbing a fence. FML

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36002

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By Laura - France

Today, I saw my boyfriend spitting the mouthwash back into the bottle, because, "this stuff is really expensive." FML

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32223

You deserved it

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By go fuck myself - United States - Tampa

Today, I can't decide what's worse: the fact that my mother found my vibrator or that, as a prank, she replaced it with a realistic tarantula replica. She won't tell me where it is. FML

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30109

You deserved it

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By Jenna - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, my dad was driving me home and was angrily explaining how my boyfriend was a bad influence and that he was hanging out with the wrong crowd. After finally convincing him to give him another chance, we stopped at a traffic light just in time to see my boyfriend being chased by police. FML

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13684

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Today, as any other work day, I sat down for lunch. Unfortunately, the door to the toilet is right next to where I sit. Every time a colleague uses the toilet, I hear everything, which puts me off my lunch. FML

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6002

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my mom why nobody likes me. She reeled off about a dozen reasons. FML

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41956

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2020 20:01 - Canada - Toronto

Nutty

Today, i discovered I can only get an erection in the presence of a real woman. My days of busting nuts alone are over. Except I don't have a girlfriend. FML

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586

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181

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By phoenix101

Dad jokes

Today, my girlfriend asked if we could spice up our sex life. She didn't think it was too funny when I laid out all of our spices on the bed. She now refuses to have sex. FML

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23937

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By Anonymous

Today, my biology teacher asked the class a question, so I raised my hand and after I gave my answer, my teacher said, "You know, you have a voice for radio. It's very deep." I replied with "Do I? Thanks!" He added, "You also have the face for radio." The whole class laughed. FML

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6189

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By Olz

Today, I received my 12-month diet plan from an online coach. It said, “Eat less calories lol.” I just lost £175. FML

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2074

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By poordog - United States

Today, my best friend was texting me about her sick dog. She wrote "Do you think she will get better?", so I wrote "I hope she does". It wasn't until later that I realized I accidentally wrote "I hope she dies" instead. FML

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36089

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I mailed out a college application that is going to another country. I paid $250 for the application and $11 for shipping. I just realized that I forgot to sign the bottom of the application. FML

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14418

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By ScaredDad

Today, I needed to grab something from the garage. As soon as the door closed, I heard a little click sound. My one-year-old seems to have figured out the door lock. FML

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1769

You deserved it

224

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By anon - United States

Today, I was sitting in a theater waiting for the movie to start when a hot guy sat next to me. Trying to impress him, I made seemingly witty comments to my friend throughout the movie. When it ended he loudly complained to his friends about the annoying girl sitting next to him. FML

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9702

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By girlie5445 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a date with a cute guy. After picking me up, he started to play on repeat, and sing to me, 'Happy Together' by The Turtles. For the entire 20 minute ride. FML

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25761

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By jellybean - United States

Today, there was something itching me in my bed, it was the tag to my pillow case. I ripped it off, very hard and slipped and punched myself right in the face. I broke my nose. FML

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28742

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By foreveralone.jpg - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I listened to my roommate and her friend struggle with their math homework for an hour. It wouldn't be so bad, except for the fact that I'm a math major and repeatedly offered my help. They'd rather fail math than be around me. FML

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27347

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by showing up at my work and proposing to me. It was sweet until an angry customer bitched us out for "wasting her time." FML

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30080

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By Kelly - 23/7/2020 02:01

Polly wants it

Today, at work, I booked a vet appointment for an African Gray to get a birth control implant. I didn’t even know that was a thing and I definitely never thought that a parrot would have a more active sex life than me. FML

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1278

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2020 05:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Session done!

Today, I thought it would be fun to have a sex session with my boyfriend. I sent him a suggestive message, and 30 minutes later he texted me back to let me know he was done. FML

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2123

You deserved it

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By youfuckingslut - United States

Today, I accidentally bumped into another car on the road. The worst of the damage was a slight chip to the other driver's paint, but she played it up so much that she ended up being taken away in an ambulance. I'm now terrified that the crazy bitch is going to sue me. FML

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By Anonymous

Fight!

Today, I overheard my husband of 3 years talking to our boss, an attractive blonde. She was telling him that she couldn't believe he was with me. She thinks I'm fat and ugly and that he's hot. He said, "She's not that bad…" We work in the same store and she follows him around like a puppy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2009

You deserved it

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By BRELLA - United States

The wrong kind of banging

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with a girl from home who I'd wanted for a long time. She has low blood pressure problems though, and when things got hot, she passed out while she was on top of me, fell and hit her head on the night stand. FML

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50935

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Top comments

By Clapdaddy | 16

#7568007 - Saturday 25 November 2017 6:26

Shave. Problem solved, never worry about it again.

By manb91uk | 22

#7568136 - Saturday 25 November 2017 13:51

COMMENTS

By user53658 | 15

#7563925 - Tuesday 14 November 2017 15:09

Same thing happend when I gave my girlfriend head.
Good thing is, she's now finally considering shaving.

chubbear | 14

#7568310 - Saturday 25 November 2017 23:01

Gave her "head"? Does she have a dick too?

By Clapdaddy | 16

#7568007 - Saturday 25 November 2017 6:26

Shave. Problem solved, never worry about it again.

Dave_Davington | 33

#7568016 - Saturday 25 November 2017 6:51

Are you kidding? Small, sharp metal objects near his yoghurt artillery is exactly why he's in this situation in the first place.

Wintermelons | 19

#7584425 - Wednesday 10 January 2018 7:56

What the fuck

By RichardPencil | 28

#7568023 - Saturday 25 November 2017 7:06

Waxing down there wouldn’t be a good idea for you.

Nikki_Lattimore | 8

#7571653 - Monday 4 December 2017 19:37

This would be a horrible thjng to say (let alone read) if it wasn't so fucking funny). Hahaha

By snailsinyourtea | 15

#7568026 - Saturday 25 November 2017 7:37

I’d recommend waxing but then again that’s how it feels like.

By manb91uk | 22

#7568136 - Saturday 25 November 2017 13:51

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7568146 - Saturday 25 November 2017 14:22

If 911 had to be called, I would have loved to hear or read the transcript for that one!

By sumocj | 14

#7568158 - Saturday 25 November 2017 15:01

This is an fml for both of you. She has to deal with your harry balls

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7568235 - Saturday 25 November 2017 18:57

Manscaping, a friend to one and all.

GIJoefan | 6

#7568317 - Saturday 25 November 2017 23:26

Exactly!

By Krystal Marie | 1

#7568266 - Saturday 25 November 2017 20:27

Maybe if you manscaped this wouldn't have happened.

By Zeatha Mistron | 7

#7568293 - Saturday 25 November 2017 22:27

Manscaping