"If I'm going down, I'm taking you with me! Bwahahahahaha!"

Although, it might just be an excuse not to invite you to the retirement party.

That’s one boring bucket list he has...

Two birds one stone?

He probably knew that you wouldn’t be happy working for his successor, so he mercifully set you free. Yeah, let’s go with that!

Well, it would be poor form to retire before the job is finished.

You should have used a colon instead of a period after “retired.”

Hopefully, your job did not require a firm grasp of grammar.

I’m sure there’s a “You’d know all about colons, seeing as you spend so much time up your own ass” out there... However, I’ll keep it in.

I had to have a bowel resection, so I only have a semi-colon.

Presumably you caused some damage trying to race the shit that keeps coming out of your mouth?

That's one way to make sure someone doesn't show up to your retirement party.

At least he saved the best for last...

Just show up tomorrow, ala George Costanza. Your boss won’t even be there to say, ‘What are you doing here? I fired you.’

Maybe you are the best employee there and he wants it to look like the company is failing after he leaves so they always remember him...