Today, I had a softball tournament which also landed on my birthday....

By msj137 - 17/7/2009 07:25 - United States

Today, I had a softball tournament which also landed on my birthday. My dad had to leave town for work, so he left me a card on my night stand. Instead of a happy birthday, all it said was 'Don't mess up the game for everyone'. FML

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Miscellaneous

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Fairytale ending

Tidy your room

By confused_girl - 1/8/2013 05:10 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I got the sex talk from my dad. It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't said "It's not the size of the stick, it's how you use it." I'm a girl. FML

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By so pray to ariel about it, dipshits - 30/11/2012 19:29 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, two of my friends condemned me for being "narrow-minded", because I couldn't help but laugh at the thought that someone would believe mermaids actually exist. FML

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By _schaden_freude - 27/12/2016 17:31 - United Kingdom - Ashford

Today, my boyfriend's dad came onto me. I was shocked and awkwardly tried to exit the situation. My boyfriend then sprang out and started shouting at me. Apparently, it was a "test" to see if I would still be attracted to him in 30 years. I failed. What. The. Fuck. FML

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By Deaf - 2/7/2015 18:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was sent to the principal's office because I refused to take my earbuds out. Those "earbuds" are my hearing aids. FML

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By ew - 3/11/2015 15:43 - United States - Pickens

Today, my dad got dressed up in formal clothes, and I asked what the occasion was. He said he had a hot date, which would've been fine if he hadn't told me what was "on the menu", namely "wining, dining, sixty-nining". Thanks for that image. FML

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By gabess - 4/1/2009 01:59 - France

Today, to amuse my girlfriend I put on her sexy nightshirt and go out on the balcony for a smoke, wriggling about in front of her window. She laughs until one of her neighbors shouts "HELLO!" from the upper floor, grinning at the show. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2016 02:17 - United States - Akron

Today, I found out that I'm going to be a father. Too bad I can't tell my wife. FML

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By nicky - 31/3/2011 19:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I managed to stab myself with a knife while trying to open something without a can opener. After getting stitches and returning back home, I went to make a cup of coffee. I found the can opener in the cutlery drawer. FML

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By mandy_2480 - 19/2/2012 02:08 - China

Today, I had to stop my 26 year old fiancé from picking his nose and eating it like a little boy. Three times. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 06:24 - United States

Today, I tripped on a step that said "Watch your step." Two hours later, I hit my head on a sign that said "Mind your head." FML

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By IamTheSalt - 25/4/2017 02:00

Today, I got my grades back. They were all 98's and 99's with also a 104 (extra-credit). I got refused from entering an honors club, because it's "impossible to get above a hundred in a math class". I even got investigated for cheating. FML

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By CA19oo - 27/5/2012 13:13 - United States - Grovetown

Today, I got yelled at and called a pedo by a mother after I sat down in a swing next to her daughter. I was too embarrassed to tell her that I'm a 20 year old who really does enjoy swinging in my spare time. FML

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By Sarge9774 - 20/10/2016 20:35

Today, I found out that my uncle does not like my step daughter because she likes Star Wars. He stated that Star Trek was better and went on to verbally attack a 6-year-old. FML

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By missseloit3 - 13/3/2018 19:00

Today, I met a nice guy who wanted to chat. I didn't want to be the bitchy type and throw him the "I have a boyfriend" line right away, so I conversed with him. When he asked was I single I, of course, said no. He yelled at me and made a huge scene about me leading him on. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2011 10:40 - Australia

Today, I was using a public urinal when a man came up to use the one next to me. As he approached, he said, "Friendly spy plane inbound" and pretended to look at my knob. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2010 07:11 - United States

Today, I was forced to spend New Years Eve with my strict/conservative parents in the middle of nowhere in Illinois. If I had nothing else, I looked forward to watching the ball drop in NYC. As the seconds counted down the T.V. shut off. Parental controls shut down cable at midnight. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2019 13:01 - United States - Pomona

Today, at the ripe old age of 23, I now no longer have no control over my farts when I cough. My many young students find this hilarious. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2013 01:19 - France - Thionville

Today, my grandson visited me, and asked if I had any pictures of myself from when I was a little girl. I happily looked for a few photos to give him, asking what had piqued his curiosity. He replied that he wanted some for a presentation he's doing on the Middle Ages. FML

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By md - 25/11/2009 04:08 - Canada

Today, I got an alarm installed in my car, and was having problems with it not going off when the car was hit. To demonstrate this to the installers, I bumped my car with my hip, which left a dent, and set the alarm off. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2013 21:58 - Australia - Richmond

Today, my future sister-in-law cancelled my invitation to her and my brother's wedding. Her reason was that I was incredibly rude to announce my pregnancy to my family at a time like this, because it took all the attention away from her. FML

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By sucks - 17/5/2009 23:40 - United States

Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping the dog back asserted dominance. Well, I decided to, and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said "How do you like that!" And then my mom walked in. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2014 19:31 - United States - Round Rock

Today, my grandma was diagnosed with lung cancer. We're very close, and I called my boyfriend, really needing some support. I'd barely told him what had happened, when he replied, "Babe, I'm in the middle of a game here. Call me later." FML

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By RawrSparkle - 21/9/2012 07:31 - United States - Davis

Today, I dropped a whole batch of penis-shaped cookies on the floor. Then I thought, "5-second rule" and started eating them. And then I realized that I was home alone, in pajamas, eating broken dick-cookies off the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2011 21:25 - Canada

Today, I was in class and really needed to pee. My teacher has chosen to replace our hall pass with a copy of War and Peace. She picks out a page for us to memorise on the shitter, and repeat by heart later. If we can't remember, we get locked out of class, and then get detention for being absent. FML

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By hearingthings - 26/6/2012 02:59 - Australia - Perth

Today, in a drunken, depressed state I thought I heard my deceased mother trying to make contact with me from beyond the grave. It took me a moment to realise that the soft voice was from the music my neighbours were playing. FML

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By Jacqueline H'ghar - 30/7/2016 08:56 - New Zealand

Today, I missed my bus to the doctor's office for my scheduled pap test. I was so desperate, I called my deadbeat mom to ask for a ride. She said "Virgins don't need pap tests", laughed, then hung up on me. FML

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By DogStew - 15/9/2019 20:00

Pumped-up Tanks

Today, at work I had to spend 2 hours cleaning up stinky toilet water. Why? Because yesterday, I forgot to turn on the septic tank pumps. The tank overflowed, and so did all the toilets. My boss is not happy. FML

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By Zitty - 12/7/2009 18:18 - United States

Today, I went on a movie date. During the movie, I picked a small zit on my forehead. Afterwards, at dinner, he couldn't seem to keep his eyes off of my face. I thought he was staring lovingly at me. He was actually staring at a large throbbing zit with a trail of blood coming from it. FML

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By selfesteemboost - 27/1/2012 17:14 - Belize

Today, one of my dorm-mates started laughing at a bra hanging to dry in our bathroom. She thought it was hilarious that a college student would still have "such small, baby tits." It was my bra. FML

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By a fat fucking shit and proud of it - 28/6/2014 19:09 - United Kingdom - Camberley

Today, it's been less than a week since I finally got a job, after over a year of searching. I just found out that there's about to be a wave of layoffs. I haven't even gotten my first paycheck, and already I'm going to lose my job. FML

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By anxious spaghetti - 3/12/2017 15:00

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend over text. We wore each others' hats, so I gave his back and asked for mine. He “accidentally” burned it. FML

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By Evalynne - 6/4/2013 12:55 - United States - New Orleans

Today, my best friend was throwing me my bachelorette partly. A cop came by and said there have been complaints about the noise. Thinking he was the stripper we ordered, we pulled him into the house. He was an actual cop. FML

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By issue - 7/9/2018 01:30

Today, I tried to get a job at Walmart. My mom was the hiring manager. She turned me down due to lack of work experience. FML

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By redcherries90 - 8/12/2009 15:19 - United States

Today, I slipped on the new snow and sprained my ankle. As my mom and I were leaving the emergency room, she says, "You owe me $4 for parking," and she meant it. FML

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By bass - 22/9/2009 01:50 - United States

Today, I got a call from a prominent orchestra asking me to play with them. They were especially interested because I'm still in high school. I called to accept only to find out that my mother had already declined the offer for me because I "only" have a 3.7. FML

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By Sydney - 15/1/2013 23:16 - United States - Houston

Today, I told my mom we get Monday off due to Martin Luther King Jr. day. She then insisted that I had to go to school because that is "only for black people." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2012 14:23 - Canada

Today, I had to finally come to terms with the fact that I am obese when the doctor told me that my weird smell was not an infection but mold growing between my fat rolls. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2015 15:43 - United States - Corona

Today, I nearly got written up at work for missing an important memo. The memo was sent to everyone via the company Facebook group and not by our e-mail system. My manager could hardly believe people exist who have no Facebook account and have no intention of making one. FML

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By Harry - 10/6/2014 01:56 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was walking in the street, and the next thing I know, I'm waking up in a hospital. According to witnesses, a guy came up and hit me over the head with a baseball bat. Apparently that's a thing that happens now. But it's okay, he had an excuse: he said he was drunk. FML

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By robbedonCTA - 22/9/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, I felt a tug on my backpack and found my wallet missing. A nice stranger pointed to a guy running down the stairs and said "There goes the guy who took your wallet!" I ran to catch the supposed offender. The 'nice' stranger was the actual offender distracting me as he got away. FML

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Top comments

By p00p0ster0us | 0

#404934 - Friday 17 July 2009 16:35

If you're lucky, he'll stay right where he is. Away.
Sorry that your dad is a prick.
Unless of course he plans to call you later and say 'haha, I was joking sweety'
We shall see, Mr. Prick. We shall see...

By thatsucks42 | 4

#4549914 - Sunday 10 June 2012 22:42

Probably not, but your grammar does.

COMMENTS

By iBimmer | 0

#404846 - Friday 17 July 2009 16:16

I'm so happy with life that i surround myself with various shiny things and I sing songs of hope and joy, all the while giving my self a little back rub from a sea lion. Come on Eileen! ;-)

Geist_fml | 0

#405314 - Friday 17 July 2009 19:09

soccer is so much more wonderful.

fxdxhk90 | 0

#405554 - Friday 17 July 2009 20:33

Baseball/ softball is awsome. Soccer just sucks.

divineinstrument | 2

#405913 - Friday 17 July 2009 22:36

Here's a challenge to everyone! Succeed in posting an FML on this site that doesn't result in trolls like this guy posting "YDI for (insert unimaginably stupid and irrelevant reason)". If you manage you can have my... soul I guess

ryguy997 | 0

#991514 - Thursday 13 May 2010 2:27

no, hockey own all of the other sports!

WorldCupCheer | 0

#1291850 - Monday 23 August 2010 23:05

thank youuuuu 59
hockey is the shhittttttt (:
all other sports aren't even comeparable they r all boringggg
and I'm a cheerleader and I lov hockey

By kirbz | 0

#404864 - Friday 17 July 2009 16:19

do you suk that bad XD

thatsucks42 | 4

#4549914 - Sunday 10 June 2012 22:42

Probably not, but your grammar does.

shelbyj | 6

#4707557 - Thursday 19 July 2012 13:09

I'm going to throw a dictionary at your face.

anri0404 | 11

#5704989 - Sunday 6 October 2013 8:46

3 u just got owned

By lil_miz_liz09 | 0

#404883 - Friday 17 July 2009 16:24

Awww I'm sorry. Your dad's an asshole.

By xcchick | 0

#404884 - Friday 17 July 2009 16:24

that sucks! my first xc meet was on my b day too

By JrWriter | 2

#404887 - Friday 17 July 2009 16:25

I've had worse bdays. Plus YDI for playing baseball. :)

divineinstrument | 2

#405905 - Friday 17 July 2009 22:32

intint50 | 0

#1068718 - Wednesday 7 July 2010 0:18

baseball... softball. Difference.

skillz8 | 0

#2450216 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 5:50

its all about the ball size 59

Carlie_McCartney | 1

#2958318 - Saturday 23 July 2011 14:59

hahahah I thought that said 69. day ALMOST made lol

By dogsteins | 0

#404895 - Friday 17 July 2009 16:27

that really sucks. no one deserves that kind of treatment, especially from a parent. bad on you dad. and i'll say happy birthday to your son though I know it won't mean as much as if you said it. and son, here's some birthday advice: leave home as soon as you can responsibly do it and don't look back. some people should never have kids.