Intimacy: Today, I was flirting via text with a coworker. Things started... - FML

08/04/2009 16:10 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was flirting via text with a coworker. Things started getting heated, and I wanted to send her a sexy picture. I asked if she had any suggestions. She said, "Your nuts!" She meant, "YOU'RE nuts." I sent her a photo of my junk. I offended a co-worker with incriminating evidence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 050

You deserved it 96 867

BO Central

Another great day to be alive

Mummy's boy

29/01/2010 02:01 - Canada

Today, I was skiing really fast and there was a sign saying 'Slow Down'. Feeling rather good about myself I decided to jump over the sign. Whilst jumping, however, I caught my ski tips on the sign and went face first into the ground. Hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 222

You deserved it 55 397

Morning motivation

By thermos - 03/02/2009 23:47 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had a sexy dream, woke up and started to masturbate quite vigorously. When I finished, I hopped off the top bunk naked to see my brother and his girlfriend laying in the bottom bunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 144

You deserved it 53 199

15/02/2011 17:10 - United States

Today, after struggling for hours to fall asleep with my husbands rather rattling snoring, I finally managed it... only to be rudely awakened an hour later by my husband elbowing me in the face in his sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 743

You deserved it 3 828

13/12/2010 03:03 - Korea Republic of

Today, I met my boyfriend's very strict and traditional Korean parents. I had to listen to them while they called me a skank and how I was fat and ugly compared to nice, pretty, Korean girls. They don't know I speak Korean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 809

You deserved it 3 557

12/11/2010 11:06 - Switzerland

Today, I went to a coffee shop to meet an online date. I couldn't spot him, so he eventually came up and introduced himself. It seems his on-line picture must have been taken before I was born. I spluttered "This isn't going to work," and promptly scuttled out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 997

You deserved it 11 289

27/11/2009 23:23 - United States

Today, my date kissed me after our second date. The way he leaned towards my mouth was very romantic. He's pretty tall, so I stretched myself as high as possible to make the kiss as passionate as possible. That's how I ended up belching into his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 823

You deserved it 10 101

15/12/2013 01:49 - United States - West Babylon

Today, I managed to infect a clean computer with a virus while looking up info on how to rid my other computer of the same virus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 547

You deserved it 8 439

25/08/2013 16:23 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I was driving down a one-way street, when some raging dumbass came screaming the wrong way down the road at me. My instant reaction was to brake and give the guy a chance to do the same. His instant reaction was to keep going and wreck my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 938

You deserved it 3 050

Sorry for your loss

By grant - 06/03/2021 20:01

Today, I was absolutely crucified online for asking the vet’s office how much it would cost to put my dog down. She's terminally ill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 038

You deserved it 77

Not now

By nexus - 25/09/2021 09:59 - Papua New Guinea

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend gets horny at the most inconvenient times. She woke me up to have sex at 2 a.m. I have work at 6 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 430

16/01/2012 19:55 - United States

Today, I came out to my father. He seemed to be totally okay with it, as long as I'm the "man" in my relationships. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 221

You deserved it 9 220

30/09/2012 19:00 - Australia

Today, I started working my crappy, minimum-wage retail job at a local electronics store. An hour into my shift, my boss sent me to scrub out a discount bin, after some drunk cunt in his teens staggered into the place yelling, and puked his guts into it. What a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 380

You deserved it 2 548

09/08/2011 00:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, I discovered that if I work out, I can't get an erection, but if I don't work out, my penis functions fine. This wouldn't be such a problem if I wasn't a professional bodybuilder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 659

You deserved it 13 475

Blowin' in the wind

By Tired - 19/09/2020 02:02 - United Stated

Today, for the third night in a row, I didn't get any sleep, because my neighbor's new dog won't stop barking when the wind blows. Where I live, we get major wind gusts most days of the week. It's going to be another long night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 056

You deserved it 73

22/08/2016 01:45 - United States - Hialeah

Today, in the class I'm teaching, I assigned my students an essay to complete for homework. One student asked me if I was deducting points for bad spelling. I teach English. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 946

You deserved it 2 353

27/02/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, I drank for every year I've been in school. While in my bed I decided I was too drunk to get up and throw up in the bathroom so I decided to just do it on my floor and clean it up later. Later on I woke up and realized I threw up on my $1000 laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 895

You deserved it 228 136

05/04/2010 05:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, fifteen minutes after dinner was served, my blind date says "It's good that you're smart. Not to be rude, but most girls aren't. I mean, at some point, I'm going to pull my dick out of your mouth and then it's good if you have something interesting to say." Check please. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 586

You deserved it 8 158

14/05/2016 05:53 - United States - Nashville

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. She also said I'm going to be an uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 990

You deserved it 1 269

02/10/2017 04:00 - Australia

Today, I accidentally sent highly confidential patient records to a fired employee. This employee made the biggest song and dance about it, calling every boss possible. I couldn't have sent it to a better person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 149

You deserved it 3 214

10/07/2016 19:44 - United States - Fairview

Today, I was woken up by my dad and my dog barking at each other, and my dad yelling, "I am the Alpha male!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 517

You deserved it 1 714

05/12/2009 00:22 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my dad offered to take me and my sister to school because we just moved houses. On the way, he asked us why we looked so tired. We just said we were tired from moving house. Truth is, our room is right next to theirs. We heard everything. Loud and clear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 334

You deserved it 2 363

11/08/2019 22:00

Today, I went on a first date. We had the same phone, and we'd put them down next to each other on the table. I get a message and we both look. It’s my period tracker telling me to be careful, because the flood gates are opening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 621

You deserved it 373

19/10/2010 19:40 - United States

Today, my dads cremated remains came in the mail. This is the first time, in my entire adult life, that he has visited me at my home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 028

You deserved it 2 740

24/12/2009 19:45 - United States

Today, I found out my mom is getting rid of cable TV. My dad and I bought her a 700 dollar plasma screen TV for Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 687

You deserved it 3 392

Cough it up

By kaitlyn is here - 27/04/2021 05:01

Today, my parents took me out to eat. When the bill came, they stared at me for a while before asking, “Aren’t you gonna pay?” They've never made me pay before, there was no indication that I’d have to pay this time, and I’d left my wallet at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 143

You deserved it 227

14/11/2010 07:36 - Reserved

Spicy

Today, my parents asked me if I had a nice time with my girlfriend at the amusement park I took her to yesterday. She was pretty freaked out by some of the rides so without thinking I said, "Yeah, but she sure is a screamer." My parents then exchange a look and say, "Oh trust us, we know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 630

You deserved it 31 882

10/12/2015 15:53 - United States - Fremont

Today, I found out that my so-called "friends" on my Skype group chat have another group chat that contains everyone but me. Apparently, they made it so I would not "disturb" their conversations. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 757

You deserved it 2 590

Whack-a-Mole

By Anonymous - 28/09/2019 02:01

Today, I had to pick my daughter up from pre-school because she repeatedly hit another kid with a stick. Apparently, my parents have been letting her watch violent action movies again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 429

You deserved it 262

12/03/2009 12:07 - Australia

Today, I called a priest "lame". He responded jokingly with "God will smite you!" I laughed and walked out the door. I tripped and broke my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 450

You deserved it 105 939

25/04/2016 03:49 - United States - Katy

Today, my boyfriend stopped by my house after work because he missed me. We made out for a bit outside, which involved some touching and then he left. When I got inside, I got a Facebook message from my older neighbor that read, "That was gross. Please don't do that again in front of me. Really." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 181

You deserved it 8 225

18/02/2013 03:27 - United States - San Ramon

Today, my leadership class was trying to decide who would run the kissing booth in our local carnival. Someone suggested me, to which the director replied, "We'd never make any profit with her." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 841

You deserved it 3 050

26/08/2012 05:46 - United States - Olympia

Spicy

Today, I had to pee so bad that I ran downstairs with no glasses on and stumbled into the bathroom, half blind. I sat down on the toilet and realized just a little late that my older sister and her boyfriend were having sex in the bathtub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 862

You deserved it 3 886

18/04/2016 14:40 - United States - Hudson

Today, I pulled off the road to help a turtle cross it. Before I could get out of my car a dump truck ran over the turtle, splattering my car with turtle guts and bits of shell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 991

You deserved it 1 822

19/03/2014 18:14 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, a crazy woman grabbed my hair and mentioned how lovely it was. She then asked when I would donate it. I told her I didn't want to, at which point she started yelling that she was going to get some scissors and cut it all off to teach me a lesson. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 281

You deserved it 3 794

07/06/2009 15:53 - United States

Today, I was playing around with my sister's kitten. As a joke, I put him underneath the sheets and farted. He attacked my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 894

You deserved it 416 160

07/05/2009 23:43 - United States

Today, I was shopping in the mall. A cute store worker kept checking me out, so after I picked a few things I went up to her and started flirting. After a few seconds, she cut me off and said, "Actually I was watching you because you look like someone who would shoplift." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 152

You deserved it 7 104

10/01/2012 06:04 - United States

Today, I found out that when my mom says she's going to kick me in the head to wake me up for an important interview, she actually means it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 085

You deserved it 21 482

15/01/2011 01:05 - United States

Today, I mailed out a college application that is going to another country. I paid $250 for the application and $11 for shipping. I just realized that I forgot to sign the bottom of the application. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 433

You deserved it 32 181

25/07/2014 15:54 - United States - Downingtown

Today, there are people working in my bathroom. I have the shits. The only place I could think to go was in my cats litter box. I've used it twice and am now contemplating using it a third time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 890

You deserved it 7 641

13/08/2019 12:00 - United States

Today, I went to visit my grandmother. My grandfather recently died, so I had gotten her a cat for comfort. Turns out in her sadness, she had forgotten about the cat. I found its remains being eaten by ants and birds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 839

You deserved it 404

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Wednesday 8 April 2009 23:03

The picture of your junk is due to her bad grammar. You get a FML for sure.

Chaith 16

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Wednesday 8 April 2009 23:03

I hope you kids view grammar Nazis in a different light now! If they aren't, THIS could happen!

Comments

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Wednesday 8 April 2009 23:03

The picture of your junk is due to her bad grammar. You get a FML for sure.

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Tuesday 16 March 2010 5:02

it all started with a fail English teacher and ends up with unwanted balls on ur phone! good job society

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Wednesday 31 March 2010 2:00

agreed!! it had to be hilarious taking a pic of your sac haha

Nili 0

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Monday 19 April 2010 13:22

Haha the importance of grammar. You shouldn't have been sending her pictures like that though so YDI.

adamo_erebus 26

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Sunday 6 February 2011 12:56

Grammar's a bitch.

Chaith 16

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Wednesday 8 April 2009 23:03

I hope you kids view grammar Nazis in a different light now! If they aren't, THIS could happen!

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Friday 2 March 2012 22:32

If they don't*

Chandler1Bing 0

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Friday 15 June 2012 19:56

Grammar nazis should be retrained into normal human beings or slaughtered on command.

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Saturday 27 October 2012 19:53

351, I have no idea why you're getting thumbs down because that was remarkably clever in context.

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Friday 10 May 2013 4:54

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

lorenitavefajita 0

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Wednesday 8 April 2009 23:04

that's why people need to learn grammar!!! it's her fault, she needs to learn how to speak english, goshhh

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Friday 28 September 2012 23:54

Capitals and periods wouldn't hurt, either. Goshhhhhhhhshshshsejnbahdbg.

RandomHavoc1 13

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Sunday 5 October 2014 8:40

Yeah, but why the hell would you use the word NUTS to reply to that question? I feel that she actually wanted a pic of your nuts but wanted to lie about it afterwards so she could trick you into thinking it was a typo (Damn you, autocorrect!) Seriously, wouldn't "are you CRAZY?" suffice? lack if common sense on her part.

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Wednesday 8 April 2009 23:04

No, FHerL because she was idiot enough to commit an apostroFAIL. She brought it on herself, however my sympathy for you ends when you actually complied and sent her a photo of your shreddies. Oops much?

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Wednesday 8 April 2009 23:04

This is why she should have paid attention in English class.

boredndstoned 0

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Wednesday 8 April 2009 23:04

that is hilarious good thing she didnt mean to say you're an asshole and forget both the ' as well as the and

VerticalOrbit 0

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Wednesday 8 April 2009 23:05

Oops. Thus why people should use correct grammar while texting.

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Wednesday 8 April 2009 23:04

If only all bad grammar resulted in unwanted pictures of nuts. Then they'd learn.

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Wednesday 8 April 2009 23:05

Instead of asking for any suggestions you shoulda just said: "Your Melons- Here, now!" and if she responded poorly, you should have just said, "no there is a deliver of melons for you here" sneaky tactics FTW try not to act like a chihuahua by making quick decisions next time

SkipBeatOtaku 33

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Tuesday 17 December 2013 7:17

You, my friend #9, are brilliant and have thought ahead. Kudos. |(^u^)|

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Wednesday 8 April 2009 23:07

LMFAOO

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 121

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 276

You deserved it 82

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 208

You deserved it 600