By Anonymous - 3/4/2020 14:00

Hard to bare

Today, I was showing my boss a picture on my phone. I didn’t expect her to take my phone from my hand and continue to flip through photos. I anxiously motioned for her to give my phone back, only to realize she had already swiped to my nude picture. FML

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Yappy neighborhood

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Anonymous - 16/6/2009 17:39 - United States

Today, I let my on-again, off-again boyfriend spend the night. For months we had been fighting about his new flame. After he convinced me that they are no longer an item, we had the most mind-blowing sex then we fell asleep. I awoke to him moaning her name. Followed by pelvic thrusts. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2009 02:17 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I didn't call her in the last few days. I tried to explain to her that I was out at my grandfather's house in a remote place with no cell service to stand by him on his death bed. She thought I was making excuses and called me a lying bastard. FML

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By Solemnwishing - 13/7/2009 18:33 - United States

Today, while riding on the car with my family, I put on my headphones and pretended to be listening to music and when my parents talked to me, I pretended I couldn't hear them. They took this opportunity to discuss how fat I was and how I can't hold down a boyfriend. They were laughing as well. FML

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By 20month dry spell - 27/9/2018 03:00

Today, my girlfriend thinks I'm sex-obsessed because of the number of times I've asked for it. I've asked exactly 3 times this year, one of which was on my birthday. She said no all 3 times. I'm usually too scared of her temper to even try. FML

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By Lola - 8/8/2010 14:32 - United Kingdom

Today, we got new doors fitted. There were new locks on the bathroom, to the reluctance of my mother, who thought one of us would lock ourselves in. "Only an idiot would lock themselves in," I said, and shut the door to demonstrate. I locked myself in. FML

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By Foodcomesfirst - 24/11/2009 20:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I felt dizzy and light-headed. So I sat down at the top of my stairs calling my brother who was downstairs, for help because I was scared something was wrong with me. He called back "No, I'm eating." I fainted. When I woke up, I was still alone upstairs and he was still eating downstairs. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2013 06:15 - United States - Louisville

Today, I found out why my girlfriend has lost interest in our relationship. She's found out she likes drinking. A lot. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2013 07:18 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I was accused of stealing when I dropped a $20 bill in front of my boss. His logic: I'm too poor to have a $20 bill and there's no way it was a tip, since our customers are "so stingy". It was a tip and it was going to get me through the rest of the month. He won't give it back. FML

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By seriously! - 19/3/2013 05:00 - Australia - Sydney

Today, while working in childcare, we went to a farm so the kids could see how things worked. They started showing off prize winning cattle and when they bought out "Miss Stacey", the kids lost their shit. My name is Miss Stacey. FML

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By albinoalligator - 4/7/2016 00:48 - United States - Elkton

Today, I declined an apartment because it didn't have a detachable shower head that I could use for my enjoyment. FML

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By thanxguys - 17/3/2010 19:03 - United States

Today, I discovered that when my parents offered to help me pay for college, what they really meant is they would get the forms for me to apply for student loans. FML

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By Sadness - 7/10/2013 18:55 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I have been home sick and depressed for so long that I just found Oreo crumbs in my belly button. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2011 17:24

Today, I found out that if a cop asks you if you have any weapons, and you reply by saying "only these guns" while flexing your biceps, they won't take it very well. And neither will the cops down at the station. FML

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By "levsterx" - 5/4/2017 02:00

Today, my mom dragged me along with her to a baby shower. I was the only guy there. FML

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By MBoomer - 16/11/2016 06:36

Today, I found a great parking spot but I wasn't sure if it was restricted by any means or of I could just park there for free. I asked a police officer walking by and he told me it was alright, only to come back 4 hours later to find a ticket on my windshield. FML

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By Lavalise - 5/11/2011 07:11 - France

Today, on the subway, a woman got off without her suitcase. I grabbed the case, chased her onto the platform, and shouted, "You forgot your suitcase!" while the doors closed behind me. In actual fact, it wasn't her suitcase, and its actual owner was still on the train. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2015 22:22 - United States - Ashburn

Today, my parents pranked me hard. They spent breakfast messing with my head, all to convince me that I was dreaming. I got so excited at finally having a lucid dream that I ran outside in my pajamas, yelling "Woo-hoo!" and trying to fly. Nothing happened. People saw. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2009 11:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I sent a christmas card to my husband's uncle and aunt. I'd forgotten that the uncle died last year. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2017 20:00

Today, the person who bullied me throughout my childhood eventually resulting in me going to therapy and switching schools became my boss. On top of that, he refers to me by the insulting nickname he called me during childhood. It's good to see that growing up hasn't changed him at all. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2016 08:00 - Spain

Today, my seasonal allergies started. Most annoying thing by far this allergy season? I only get the urge to sneeze when I have food in my mouth. FML

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By Bambi - 12/8/2009 06:49 - United States

Today, I crashed my car. I saw a deer getting ready to run into the middle of the road, and I was very sleepy, so I panicked and slammed on the brakes, causing me to lose control of the car on the wet road. After I hit a tree, I realized that the deer was a plastic lawn ornament. FML

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By neighbour hell - 25/4/2013 17:56 - Norway - Kristiansand

Today, after 2 months of my new neighbours' kids throwing rocks at our cars, constantly swearing at us, bullying my siblings in and out of school, and vandalising our property, their mother has convinced the landlord that we're the ones out of control. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2012 07:08 - United States

Today, it was my wedding. Everyone showed up, except my fiancé. FML

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By salt. - 28/2/2012 22:04 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My fiancé decided to give me the gift of "freedom". That's how he put it, anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2014 15:50 - United States

Today, I went to the mall. A little girl was walking around and telling everyone that they were pretty. When she got to me, she gave me a disgusted look and walked away. FML

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By thatsnotmyname - 3/7/2014 03:12 - United States - Calhoun City

Today, my boyfriend of a couple of weeks mixed up my name with his ex wife's name. After he said it, he looked at me and said, "You knew it was going to happen." FML

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By Profucktardor - 24/1/2014 20:33 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my university professor admitted to sometimes just winging it when she's teaching. "Yeah," she said, "sometimes I just don't get this stuff either." No wonder I'm failing. 5ML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2009 19:39 - United States

Today, my dad decided to clean out my car and "accidentally" threw away my $520 tax refund check. FML

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By a very unlucky dude. - 18/6/2014 06:37 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I learned the valuable lesson that taking care of a baby crow isn't the best idea. He finally can fly away, but sits on my porch all day cawing for food. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2013 22:52 - United States - Elgin

Today, my boyfriend showed up at my grandmother's wake in torn jeans and a Family Guy t-shirt. When I took him aside asked him what the hell he was thinking, he lost his temper and stormed out. FML

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By emeraldarcher74 - 19/11/2016 18:34 - United States - Lake Stevens

Today, my mother made me a delicious meal of gravy, stuffing, mashed and sweet potatoes, and cranberries. Overjoyed, I tried to give her a hug. Instead, I accidentally punched her in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2012 02:24 - United States

Today, I was working as a paramedic when my patient's colostomy bag exploded all over me. I was covered in fecal matter, with 5 hours left on my shift. FML

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By GOAWAY - 26/12/2014 23:06 - United States - Jefferson City

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store. Before I knew what was happening, he'd sniffed me and started whimpering about how I don't smell like I used to. He does this kind of crazy shit all the time. FML

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By jessica - 2/2/2011 20:59 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he stopped, got off, walked into the kitchen grabbed a doughnut, and came back to finish while he ate it. FML

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By Naked and Afraid - 17/8/2018 23:00 - United States - New Braunfels

Today, my girlfriend's grandparents walked in on us getting intimate. She immediately ran to the bathroom, leaving me alone with them. They only speak Spanish, which is not my first language. We discussed the movie she and I were "watching", all while I was naked under the sheets. FML

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By blahblah493 - 26/5/2011 04:15 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom trying to wax her butt. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2014 06:06 - United States - Eugene

Today, my girlfriend and I were snuggling and we placed our hands together, palm to palm. I can bend the tips of my fingers over hers, which apparently surprised her because she commented, "Huh, so big hands AREN'T related to penis size." FML

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By foshizzle - 25/4/2012 06:46 - United States - Orlando

Today, while at work, a man grabbed my beard, said it was impressive, and then uttered the words, "I love you." FML

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By anon - 16/1/2016 23:15 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I slept with my deputy manager. He slept with my insane jealous housemate months ago. I need to find a new job and a new flat. FML

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By ellieinc - 8/8/2016 03:39 - United States - Stacy

Today, my boyfriend bought me Cards Against Humanity because he thinks it would give me some motivation to make friends since I only have one and need three to play. Sad thing is, he's right. FML

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Top comments

By Ainarr | 28

#7894715 - Friday 3 April 2020 14:37

she only has herself to blame. i hate those kinds of people.

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7894747 - Friday 3 April 2020 16:52

well seems like they are prolly gonna get written up or fired depending on where you work

Comments

By Ainarr | 28

#7894715 - Friday 3 April 2020 14:37

she only has herself to blame. i hate those kinds of people.

By Dale Gulley | 8

#7894719 - Friday 3 April 2020 14:48

Make fun of it. Ask if they liked what they saw lol

By RichardPencil | 28

#7894741 - Friday 3 April 2020 16:22

Sue her for sexual harassment and phonal hijacking!

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7894747 - Friday 3 April 2020 16:52

well seems like they are prolly gonna get written up or fired depending on where you work

Reply

RichardPencil | 28

#7894751 - Friday 3 April 2020 17:10

Or a raise and a promotion. Depends on how hot her nude was ;)

By sickerthanyou | 13

#7894771 - Friday 3 April 2020 18:32

As your boss now it’s time for you to see it

By spinspinsugar | 6

#7894802 - Friday 3 April 2020 21:03

that's when you grab it the fuck right back

By Brightside86 | 16

#7894889 - Saturday 4 April 2020 6:25

I would have done the same thing. swiping next on pictures is such an automatic reaction.

Reply

DarkAngelsBlade | 22

#7895580 - Tuesday 7 April 2020 6:21

You...you would have taken someone’s phone to keep looking through THEIR photos? You need to learn manners and respect boundaries because that’s a bullshit excuse.

By tabby cat tidbit | 5

#7894897 - Saturday 4 April 2020 7:19

boss was RUDE

By galvinizd | 2

#7894965 - Saturday 4 April 2020 13:42

Ask her to see her nudes now. Tit for tat.