Today, I was eating at a restaurant patio with a few friends....

By MJ3105 - 7/5/2009 11:36 - Israel

Today, I was eating at a restaurant patio with a few friends. After the waitress cleaned up our table there was a drop of mayonnaise on the table. I wiped it with my finger and licked it. It wasn’t mayo, it was bird shit. FML

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Animals

Rock, hard place

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

By aroman2312 - 6/9/2011 21:33 - United States

Today, my grandpa decided to charcoal-grill some steaks. Inside the house. FML

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By victoriassecret - 3/3/2010 09:24 - United States

Today, I finally felt ready to take my bra off during sex. My breasts had "deflated" somewhat due to weight loss and I was really self-conscious about them, but my boyfriend insisted I was hot no matter what. When the bra came off, the dick got soft. FML

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By kezbabes - 3/5/2014 18:15 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I was driving my grandpa to the store because his car is in the shop. I was well within the speed limit, but he kept yelling at me for "speeding", then accused me of trying to give him a heart attack, and eventually pulled the e-brake, getting us rear-ended. He refuses to apologise. FML

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By Wells Fargo Worker - 18/5/2018 19:00

Well shit.

Today, at work, we were told by Wells Fargo that we'll be training our foreign replacements from India. After we train them, we're gone. FML

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By hamandegger - 4/2/2013 20:17 - United States - Raynham

Today, my friend asked me to fix his laptop for him because it is loaded with viruses. When I turned it on and started searching for the problem, I couldn't find it. Luckily I was able to find a video of him banging my girlfriend. We've been together for eight years. FML

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By horribleevening - 31/1/2019 22:00 - Australia - Hornsby

Today, my wife was sitting next to me surrounded by friends and she decided to start looking up the man that she had an affair on Facebook on her phone - all while I am sitting right next to her. FML

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By User06606 - 29/9/2009 11:31 - United States

Today, I went to eat with my girlfriend, her parents and my mother. My mother complained about every aspect of the service. When I told her she needed to assert herself, she took her pocketbook and hit me over the head. The whole restaurant stared at us while she yelled "Is that assertive enough?" FML

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By Rick - 14/3/2010 13:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell in a river with a £700 camera, a £200 lens, and an iPhone while trying to rescue a 50 pence ball for my dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2014 23:07 - United States - Auberry

Today, my dad decided to shave his beard. I told him I wanted him to keep it, so he took the shavings, put them in a jar, and left it in my room. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2011 07:21 - United States

Today, I was hosting a pool party, when my husband and his friends got the bright idea of lighting one of the party balloons on fire. Needless to say, it immediately exploded. In shock, he jumped back straight into me, sending me and my $400 cell phone splashing into the pool. FML

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By Anon - 13/3/2016 00:13 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my boyfriend took me to dinner. As we waited for our food he took my hand and said, "I think we should break up." When I got outside, my tire was flat. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2013 23:58 - United States - Elmhurst

Today, I went to a suicide prevention walk with a girl I like. Before the walk, we bought balloons to set free when they called the names of the deceased. To buy a balloon, you had to write a name on a sheet. Apparently, you weren't supposed to write your own. They called my name. FML

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By boredtothemax - 17/2/2016 19:17 - United States - Hammond

Today, I gave a talk in my management class about creating effective presentations and holding people's attention. Go figure, pretty much nobody paid any attention. FML

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By hornyloser - 2/5/2011 18:46 - United States

Today, I had some hot phone sex with my long-distance girlfriend. Half-way through, my mom stormed in, and told me I was disgusting and sick for doing it in the same room as my brother. I forgot about the baby monitor. FML

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By sexual parrot - 21/4/2014 18:42

Today, my boyfriend's parents' parrot won't stop imitating my sex moans, and keeps doing it whenever I speak. FML

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By Charity - 20/3/2017 17:00 - United States

Slashing Prices Left and Right!

Today, I tutored a kid for two hours, for $25 an hour. When it came time for them to pay, my mother told the kid's parents that they could give me ten bucks for the whole thing. She does this a lot. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2011 10:39 - Australia

Today, I realized just how much my bad sex life has started affecting me, when after not being able to climax from masturbating, I instinctively faked an orgasm. FML

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By dumbfriend - 12/3/2012 19:48 - United States

Today, I was talking to a group of friends about the various problems in Africa. One of them interrupts me and asks with a straight face, "If it's so bad over there, why don't they all just leave?" FML

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By 12MONTHLEASE - 22/4/2016 00:30 - United States

Today, my new upstairs neighbors moved in. Within ten minutes of getting in the door they were screaming and arguing about everything, practically handing out death threats to each other. I then heard them having even louder makeup sex for about three hours afterwards. FML

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By Username - 23/6/2011 04:47 - United States

Today, I got home to find my truck smashed by a fallen old tree. I was going to have the tree removed next week. FML

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By -_- - 14/6/2014 03:56 - Australia - Elwood

Today, I was confiding in my dad over the phone, after I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. After I hung up and went online, I noticed he'd been live-blogging the whole call on Facebook and commenting that he was considering suicide to escape the boredom. FML

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By Carolyn Burnham - 23/10/2016 15:23

Today, I was at the local drive-thru with my boyfriend. While we were picking up the food, the asswipe at the window thought it hilarious to copy the scene from "American Beauty" and pretend that we were a couple and that I was cheating on him. My actual boyfriend believed it and won't talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2015 10:52 - United States - Oceanside

Today, I got disappointed when I realized that I had to share a bed with my husband because we had company over. FML

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By omfgitburns - 6/1/2011 14:54

Today, I had a plaster cast removed from my arm. After telling the nurse it felt like the saw was cutting my skin, she tells me there is no way that it could touch my skin and that I was being paranoid. She cracked open the cast. Burns, blisters and bleeding skin were revealed. FML

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By seriously?? - 4/2/2009 16:06 - United States

Today, I was running to the bus stop to catch the bus. The bus driver smiled, waved, and drove away without letting me get on. FML

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By fuck off, for real - 3/4/2016 13:26 - United States - Ft Mitchell

Today, my girlfriend dumped me by text for another man while I was at work. While I worked the drive-thru, a customer noticed me choking back my tears and said "I'd be cryin' too if I worked your dead-end job." FML

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By chanclepants - 27/1/2010 13:35 - France

Today, I was letting my boyfriend of 4 years tie me up and do stuff to me. After finishing on my face, he then left. My parents had to untie me. FML

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By hes - 15/10/2013 10:10 - United States

Today, I called my dad to let him know some details for my wedding had changed. It would have been really nice if he had paused the porno I could clearly hear in the background. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2012 03:02 - United States - El Cajon

Today, before leaving my house, I OCD-checked all of my doors 16 times to make sure that they were locked. When I got home, my house had been broken into. Turns out I accidentally unlocked my front door when trying to lock it for the last time. This is why I have OCD. FML

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By Iceicebaby - 15/2/2017 23:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, after getting out the car and closing the door, I began walking and slipped on some black ice. In the moment of panic, I grabbed onto my car wing mirror. Luckily, I didn't hit the deck. Unluckily, the wing mirror broke off. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2011 21:52 - United States

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to let my 19-month-old son watch me pee, since I'm trying to potty train him. I didn't consider that he might try to grab my penis. When he did, I was startled and peed all over the floor and my son. Good job dad. FML

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By Shameonme - 26/10/2008 16:04 - Morocco

Today, I yelled out while I was asleep. However, I was sleeping during a very important meeting with customers and my boss. FML

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By omgitserika - 18/11/2009 15:09 - United States

Today, I thought my online boyfriend was calling me, so the first line I said was "Hey, Baby." His wife answered with, "This is Jenny. Who's this?" After speaking for thirty minutes, I found out he's married, fifty-eight, and has two kids. I'm seventeen. FML

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By UGH! - 19/12/2016 18:21 - Canada

Today, I slid into a seat in a very busy foodcourt that was jam packed full of seniors at the mall. It was the only seat available, so I was quick to jump into it. It was soaked with urine. FML

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By ashleyevans - 4/4/2009 14:45 - United States

Today, my friend and I went to a really expensive restaurant. We got really bad service, so halfway through the meal we decided to dine-and-dash. Turns out I left my purse in the restaurant. With my I.D. and everything inside. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2016 06:34

Today, I was talking to my mother when we both heard a continuous buzzing noise. Unable to locate the source of the noise we gave up. About an hour later, my mother yells down the stairs to me. Turns out my dog stole my vibrator, chewed it and presented it to my mother. FML

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By herANDi - 3/4/2009 06:10 - Canada

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I'm already a clumsy person but became extra clumsy because I was nervous. After knocking over my drink for the fourth time, my boyfriend's mom angrily shouted "Did you actually come drunk for the first time meeting us?" FML

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By Brian - 16/7/2011 19:19 - United States

Today, after working all day and putting in hours of overtime, I realized I never clocked in. FML

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By marcymoo - 11/3/2013 04:09 - Australia - Perth

Today, I woke to find my laptop and printer covered in what smells like pee. My boyfriend then confessed to me that he occasionally "sleep-pees". It's like sleepwalking, but where he urinates on random objects. FML

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By idgit42 - 27/7/2010 22:15 - United States

Today, I didn't realize until I was home that I'd thrown my retainer away with my tray at Chick-fil-A. FML

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Top comments

By youmakemyday_fml | 0

#176880 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:07

ughh...why would you eat something that landed on the table anyway?? wouldn't you wipe it off with a napkin...

By ozymandias_fml | 0

#176888 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:09

You are a disgusting person. Even if it was mayo, that is disgusting. Who a) eats random condiments they find b) especially when splattered on a disgusting public table?

Comments

By Endymion_fml | 0

#176878 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:07

Hmm. I'm dubious. I've never seen mayonaise that looked like bird shit.

Foxracingluver | 0

#829219 - Saturday 6 February 2010 4:21

woooooowwwwwwwww FAIL!!!

hippo23 | 0

#966055 - Monday 22 March 2010 1:58

ewwwwwww! that is really gross! but you just lick what ever is on the table... that's disgusting!

1384450244679 | 0

#1018431 - Friday 4 June 2010 2:28

guys what does op stand for ??

kennyFTW3fiddy | 0

#1026596 - Thursday 10 June 2010 23:45

you are what you eat

Blacksabbath211 | 9

#1045753 - Sunday 27 June 2010 6:04

origional poster

B4SK3TB4IL | 0

#1390825 - Sunday 12 September 2010 4:07

u lick random white liquids?

Cjw1220 | 0

#1593758 - Sunday 24 October 2010 9:17

Orange penguin.

By youmakemyday_fml | 0

#176880 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:07

ughh...why would you eat something that landed on the table anyway?? wouldn't you wipe it off with a napkin...

piemasterp | 8

#953828 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 15:22

the op is such an idiot. why would you ever even eat anything off an outside patio table?

By HoneyBee1014 | 0

#176886 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:08

It's just disgusting that you would wipe anything off of a table & eat it.

By ozymandias_fml | 0

#176888 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:09

You are a disgusting person. Even if it was mayo, that is disgusting. Who a) eats random condiments they find b) especially when splattered on a disgusting public table?

By 24788 | 6

#176890 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:09

Lol, I love how you wanted every drop of mayo.

FYI - Mayo is just one of those sauces that I can't stand.

ladypatience93 | 2

#984491 - Sunday 25 April 2010 5:55

5 I soo agree

By rukusrazor | 0

#176895 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:11

FUCKING GROSS, YDI because mayo is nasty. How could you tell the difference between it and bird shit?

I kid. I kid. Although I would never, ever, ever eat mayo.. I don't honestly think the OP deserves it.

Just saying... gross.

By iamphlybry | 0

#176897 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:11

who does that??
YDI for being a fat fuck.

By Dianegoesboom | 0

#176898 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:11

Ew. Lol, how did it taste :P?

By allyperls89 | 0

#176900 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:12

BIRD FLU!

By ibaneziceman | 0

#176906 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:13

Wow.