Today, I was eating at a restaurant patio with a few friends....

By MJ3105 - 7/5/2009 11:36 - Israel

Today, I was eating at a restaurant patio with a few friends. After the waitress cleaned up our table there was a drop of mayonnaise on the table. I wiped it with my finger and licked it. It wasn’t mayo, it was bird shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37126

You deserved it

152704

Favorite

Animals

Rock, hard place

Workaholic

Risky business

By greenchan - 25/2/2011 05:12 - United States

Today, I had to take an emergency contraceptive. I was talking to my boyfriend about it, and I told him that my stomach really hurt. His response? "Aw. That's just the baby dying." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51092

You deserved it

20850

Favorite

By name50 - 7/2/2009 18:16 - United States

Today, I was passing a building and saw a fat, ugly person inside. I started to laugh and noticed it was my reflection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15586

You deserved it

73846

Favorite

By GuessImWalking - 13/5/2017 16:00

Today, I found out I will be without a car for two weeks because my mother volunteered to let my grandparents use mine while theirs is being repaired. They've been in 4 accidents over the last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5841

You deserved it

396

Favorite

By DLS - 18/2/2010 18:05 - United States

Today, I realised I know the map on World of Warcraft better than the map of my own country. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10220

You deserved it

44671

Favorite

By hellphone_fml - 22/11/2018 03:00

Today, my brother's new kitten decided to bring me a gift as a sign of love. It was my pet hamster. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2790

You deserved it

272

Favorite

By thisisavirus.exe - 31/12/2014 20:57 - United States - Sherwood

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time. The first thing he did was show me a bullet, then he basically said that if I don't submit to his daughter's every whim, that bullet will end my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46102

You deserved it

5510

Favorite

By Chicagoillinois - 3/1/2015 21:16 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my step-dad explained to me why he doesn't need to wash his body. He condescendingly said, "Well when you shampoo your hair, the soap runs down your body and cleans everything." He's 37 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33652

You deserved it

2879

Favorite

By Anonymous - 3/10/2013 21:40 - Canada - Markham

Today, my brother finally paid me the $60 he owed me. I later found out that he'd stolen those $60 from my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48990

You deserved it

3840

Favorite

By ok then - 31/10/2016 15:55

Today, my sister called my Native American friend a bigot for saying he had no problem with the name "Cleveland Indians". FML

I agree, your life sucks

9657

You deserved it

673

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/5/2014 23:28 - United States - Madison

Today, I was at the bar. A man started to hit on me. He claims to have a fetish for pregnant women. I'm not pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44658

You deserved it

5959

Favorite

By Sigh - 23/5/2009 05:50 - United States

Today, I decided to tell my mother what I thought about religion. I've been raised catholic. I told her I was converting to Wicca, to which she sort of nodded and walked away. I went into my room to study with my earbuds in, music loud. I walked out to see a cross nailed above my door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42883

You deserved it

34731

Favorite

By jo1429 - 31/10/2010 21:27 - United States

Today, I got into a car accident. While getting my things out of the car to bring into the tow truck, I noticed the handcuffs from my Halloween costume were still in the trunk. The tow truck driver noticed before I did, because he smiled, winked, and asked if I needed any more help. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26414

You deserved it

5306

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/8/2015 21:42 - United States - Utica

Today, I found out my new puppy has worms by him scooting his butt across my new carpet. It's like smeared spaghetti. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26030

You deserved it

2694

Favorite

By scheisse - 14/7/2013 21:25 - Germany - Herne

Today, I held a house party. For fun, I made sure all the beer was alcohol-free, so I could see which of my friends would be weak-minded enough to end up acting drunk. Three did. I was one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26279

You deserved it

67349

Favorite

By Anonymous - 20/8/2012 16:31 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, at my job at the mall, our music malfunctioned and now will only play the same three songs over and over again. Our manager won't let us turn it off because "the customers won't notice". FML

I agree, your life sucks

24299

You deserved it

1718

Favorite

By Anonymous - 2/3/2013 06:22 - United States - Lacey

Today, I was at my class's band concert. Before the curtain was raised, I helped haul the piano to a different spot so a girl who would've had to stand behind it could be seen. I said, "There, now your mom can see you play!" She responded with, "My mom's blind." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39075

You deserved it

4045

Favorite

By Abby - 11/11/2009 00:10 - United States

Today, I got wasted at a party and went out to my car to get something. I went back to the house and realized I got locked out. After knocking on the door, ringing the doorbell, and shouting "LET ME INNNN" my friend called and asked where I was. That's when I realized I was at the wrong house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8056

You deserved it

39443

Favorite

By he fucking smells like death! - 18/12/2018 13:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I was told what a bitch I am for turning down “the nice guy” after he surprised me with flowers and a hand painted portrait. He conveniently left out the part where he texted me multiple creepy porn links, doesn’t brush his teeth and has the personal hygiene of a farm animal! FML

I agree, your life sucks

2979

Phew, glad it wasn't me

365

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/3/2013 18:26 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time. She's a screamer. Her dog must have thought I was attacking her, because he immediately came over and started savaging me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54708

You deserved it

6168

Favorite

By anouk05 - 15/10/2010 05:13 - Switzerland

Today, my boyfriend told me "don't worry, someday you'll be mature as well." By this, he meant that I will be willing to have sex with him in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32635

You deserved it

4622

Favorite

By mac - 27/1/2014 14:40 - Australia - Bankstown

Today, my roommate showed me a video of a cockroach crawling all over my face while I was asleep in the lounge. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52324

You deserved it

4355

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/7/2020 23:03

Dead to me

Today, and for the last week, I've been dreaming only to wake up when my dream-self commits suicide. I'm generally a happy person, so I've no idea why my subconscious is killing me so often. This time, I stuck my face in an industrial-size blender. I can still feel my jaw rattling from the impact. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1440

You deserved it

Favorite

By ugh - 21/4/2012 05:12 - United States - Athens

Today, while driving home after the legal curfew, I narrowly avoided a police roadblock and backtracked a mile to drive home another way. I then ran out of gas a mile away from my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9940

You deserved it

30739

Favorite

By Lyingg - 5/10/2011 20:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a job interview. The only moment I impressed the interviewer was when I talked about drama. He started to talk about a play I hadn't seen, but I decided to agree on everything he was saying. Suddenly he said, "the play doesn't actually exist." I silently left the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10199

You deserved it

38714

Favorite

By Lionman - 5/4/2012 05:11 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, during my first man-to-man conversation with my girlfriend's father, he decided to mention the details of lion mating patterns he'd once witnessed. After a lengthy description of the lion's barbed penis, he said, "It also made me feel better about myself that I could last longer than a lion." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28171

You deserved it

2708

Favorite

By imnotastranger - 9/5/2014 03:01

Today, I was teaching my 4 year old daughter how to use "stranger danger". Later that day, we went out and since I didn't buy her a ice cream, she kept screaming "STRANGER DANGER!" A total stranger tackled me until the cops arrived. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52519

You deserved it

6901

Favorite

By Jason - 12/8/2010 20:33 - United States

Today, I spent forty minutes trying to break into my own house after being locked out. After finally getting in through a small unlocked window, I discovered my keys in my pants pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9700

You deserved it

44219

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/3/2017 02:00

Free Playboy for the guy that can't even use it. Oh, cruel fate.

Today, I received a Playboy magazine that I never ordered, and now my husband won't stop laughing at me or calling me a closet heterosexual. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5234

You deserved it

709

Favorite

By badtiming - 3/3/2015 17:18 - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, I received a rejection letter from a job I desperately wanted. Yesterday, the job offer I'd been stalling on in while waiting for news about this one expired. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28237

You deserved it

9893

Favorite

By foxbrat - 11/10/2009 06:18 - United States

Today, I woke up with a dead cockroach and its guts all over my forehead. My boyfriend responded by laughing hysterically and saying "Poor guy, never had a chance to see the world." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32128

You deserved it

3278

Favorite

By Anonymous - 6/11/2010 23:56 - United States

Today, I spent 6 hours unloading boxes into my new apartment. After unloading the entire truck and making trips up and down two flights of stairs, I heard a knock on the door. Apparently the landlord gave me the key to the WRONG apartment. Mine is downstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30531

You deserved it

2922

Favorite

By Anonymous - 31/12/2011 07:43 - United States

Today, I found a note in my boyfriend's car from another girl telling him she hoped he liked the flowers. These were the same flowers he gave me while I was in the hospital, just after having his kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41289

You deserved it

4446

Favorite

By yourmom - 21/9/2010 05:46 - United States

Today, I went to a museum that had exhibits of wax people in the hallways. We were taking pictures of what we thought to be a waxwork old lady. Turns out she was real. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24924

You deserved it

9487

Favorite

By Charlayyyy - 16/12/2010 02:30

Today, in art class, we made plaster masks. We were supposed to put Vaseline on our partner's face so the plaster didn't rip their facial hair out. My partner forgot to put it on my eye brows and eye lashes. My face is now completely hairless. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37533

You deserved it

7251

Favorite

By Anonymous - 2/7/2011 19:46 - United States

Today, a riot broke out while I was on shift at the community swimming pool. A family snuck in soap so they could use the pool as a giant bath tub. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36411

You deserved it

2757

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/10/2019 00:01 - United States - Tampa

Bugging out

Today, I'm allergic to not only bug spray, but also mosquitos. I'm staying at a bug-infested lake for 5 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1314

You deserved it

270

Favorite

By littelace - 19/2/2009 06:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were in Victoria's Secret. I saw a picture of a model and said, "I wish I looked like that." He replied with, "Me too." FML

I agree, your life sucks

45866

You deserved it

24425

Favorite

By budapesthungary - 21/12/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, at my job as a cake decorator in a bakery, I put the finishing touches on the wedding cake of the man who left me at the altar 3 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49922

You deserved it

2784

Favorite

By anonomus - 1/6/2010 01:35 - United States

Today, my husband and I had sex for the first time because we pledged we wouldn't have sex until we were married. He's terrible. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30514

You deserved it

69840

Favorite

By ifhehadadickforaheaditdbefuckingsmall - 10/3/2013 18:50 - Cyprus - Strovolos

Today, my husband was arrested for having sex in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50586

You deserved it

4844

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By youmakemyday_fml | 0

#176880 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:07

ughh...why would you eat something that landed on the table anyway?? wouldn't you wipe it off with a napkin...

By ozymandias_fml | 0

#176888 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:09

You are a disgusting person. Even if it was mayo, that is disgusting. Who a) eats random condiments they find b) especially when splattered on a disgusting public table?

COMMENTS

By Endymion_fml | 0

#176878 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:07

Hmm. I'm dubious. I've never seen mayonaise that looked like bird shit.

Foxracingluver | 0

#829219 - Saturday 6 February 2010 4:21

woooooowwwwwwwww FAIL!!!

hippo23 | 0

#966055 - Monday 22 March 2010 1:58

ewwwwwww! that is really gross! but you just lick what ever is on the table... that's disgusting!

1384450244679 | 0

#1018431 - Friday 4 June 2010 2:28

guys what does op stand for ??

kennyFTW3fiddy | 0

#1026596 - Thursday 10 June 2010 23:45

you are what you eat

Blacksabbath211 | 9

#1045753 - Sunday 27 June 2010 6:04

origional poster

B4SK3TB4IL | 0

#1390825 - Sunday 12 September 2010 4:07

u lick random white liquids?

Cjw1220 | 0

#1593758 - Sunday 24 October 2010 9:17

Orange penguin.

By youmakemyday_fml | 0

#176880 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:07

ughh...why would you eat something that landed on the table anyway?? wouldn't you wipe it off with a napkin...

piemasterp | 8

#953828 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 15:22

the op is such an idiot. why would you ever even eat anything off an outside patio table?

By HoneyBee1014 | 0

#176886 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:08

It's just disgusting that you would wipe anything off of a table & eat it.

By ozymandias_fml | 0

#176888 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:09

You are a disgusting person. Even if it was mayo, that is disgusting. Who a) eats random condiments they find b) especially when splattered on a disgusting public table?

By 24788 | 6

#176890 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:09

Lol, I love how you wanted every drop of mayo.

FYI - Mayo is just one of those sauces that I can't stand.

ladypatience93 | 2

#984491 - Sunday 25 April 2010 5:55

5 I soo agree

By rukusrazor | 0

#176895 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:11

FUCKING GROSS, YDI because mayo is nasty. How could you tell the difference between it and bird shit?

I kid. I kid. Although I would never, ever, ever eat mayo.. I don't honestly think the OP deserves it.

Just saying... gross.

By iamphlybry | 0

#176897 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:11

who does that??
YDI for being a fat fuck.

By Dianegoesboom | 0

#176898 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:11

Ew. Lol, how did it taste :P?

By allyperls89 | 0

#176900 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:12

BIRD FLU!

By ibaneziceman | 0

#176906 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:13

Wow.