Animals: Today, I was eating at a restaurant patio with a few friends....

By MJ3105 - Israel

Today, I was eating at a restaurant patio with a few friends. After the waitress cleaned up our table there was a drop of mayonnaise on the table. I wiped it with my finger and licked it. It wasn’t mayo, it was bird shit. FML

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Animals

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By DriedDeadFroggo

Today, my dog has figured out how to open screen doors on his own, by body checking them at full force, of course, like one does. This would be all fine and good, but we live by a lake with a considerable mosquito infestation. FML

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By stew - United States

Today, It took me more than 4 hours to set up the back yard for my daughters baby shower. It only took my husband one push of a button to turn on the sprinklers. FML

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By Happy Employee - United States

Today, I returned from my first paid vacation in the past 2 years from a place with no cell, or internet. I've just found out that our department has been downsized. FML

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By UnSupported - United States - North Kingstown

Today, I excitedly told my family that, after years of studying and dedication, I've been awarded a full scholarship to Germany. My mom's reaction was to start sobbing about me becoming a "heathen" and my dad and brother started telling Nazi jokes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, during a major fight with my boyfriend, I threw a necklace he had given me out the window, thinking it was just a cheap trinket. He then told me, for the first time, that that necklace had belonged to his now deceased grandma. FML

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By drama_queen - United States

Today, at my school, we had the opening night of our production in which I act. None of my family or friends came. Basically, after 3 long months of hard work, the only person to "congratulate" to me after the show was the head of the theater department, who just wanted to tell me I was doing it wrong. FML

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By apple - United States

Today, I had to clean out my room because I was having a sleepover. Only, I've not been in here for months since I've spent every night in my mom's room because I'm too scared to sleep alone. FML

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By CHEERS, TUMBLTARD

Today, while chatting with a friend online, I told her that Kristen Stewart isn't going to star in the 50 Shades movie as she originally thought. She then spammed me with so many "NO"/"NO WAY" messages that my crappy laptop froze up, forcing me to reboot and lose a ton of unsaved essay notes. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2021 20:01

Murdered

Today, I woke up and checked my fish tank. I thought the temperature was too low, so half asleep, I turned it up. Now all my fish are dead. FML

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By Nebraskawreck

Today, my husband left our untrained puppy out of its kennel when he left for work. I got home and all of the baby books my parents just bought for us that were on the coffee table in a backpack were completely destroyed, along with the bag and parts of our wall. FML

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By mcfatty - India - Bangalore

Today, despite having a bunch of work and school related things to do, I made time to go visit family I hadn't seen in a while. The main topic of discussion was how fat I've gotten. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I was telling my coworker that I was considering quitting the shady, 50-shades-of-scum business we work at. He snitched to our boss, who quickly fired me on bullshit charges of incompetence, theft, and workplace bullying. I guess I'm not getting a good reference from him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend, when my upstairs neighbor decided to take the longest piss known to man. He moaned the entire time. FML

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By AccidentalFlasher - Canada - Thornhill

Today, I was chilling in my comfy zip-up sweatshirt when I realized I was running late for an acting class. In my mad panic, I forgot I didn't have a shirt or bra underneath. Later in class, I was performing a scene and started to unzip my sweatshirt. You can figure out the rest. FML

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By aaah. - Canada - Caronport

Today, I had to take Viagra. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home from a year long backpacking trip in Europe. During my absence my parents divorced, dad took the house and most of the money, sister is seven months pregnant, brother was arrested for statutory rape, and my mom pawned all my stuff to buy booze to "cope." Oh, and my fish died. FML

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By stalked - United States - Bel Air

Today, I found out that the person who has been stalking me has also been stalking someone else. I got upset. It seems it took being stalked to make me feel good about myself. FML

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By Remember the parking brake - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making love in the backseat. Being in the moment we didn't notice the car moving. We DID notice the pole that stopped us though. FML

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By mster233 - United States

Today, I found out that my parents like rough sex. I found the whip and handcuffs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend bought a smartphone and updated his facebook status with it. Two weeks ago he signed an apartment lease with another friend. Four months ago he bought a new handgun. Seven months ago he bought a new TV. He's owed me $300 for a year and a half. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kennett

Today, trying to be a responsible parent, I bought my daughter a pack of condoms in case she ever decided to have sex. She turned them into balloon animals and went back to playing video games. FML

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By blizzard_of_77 - United States

Today, I was flirting via text with a coworker. Things started getting heated, and I wanted to send her a sexy picture. I asked if she had any suggestions. She said, "Your nuts!" She meant, "YOU'RE nuts." I sent her a photo of my junk. I offended a co-worker with incriminating evidence. FML

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By jemma - Canada

Today, my boyfriend was reading me a love poem he wrote for me. It was beautiful, and going really well until he read the last line, which had a girl's name in it. It wasn't my name. My boyfriend said "shit, wrong girl", and dug through his bag for a different poem. FML

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By not crazy enough - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, at work, a crazy customer forced me to promise to take a holiday greeting picture of my cat and myself for her. She says she'll be back and expects one. FML

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By Wannabees - Canada

Today, I decided to spray tan myself. Five minutes later, I had to pee, so I did. Not only do I now have two orange stripes on my toilet bowl, but I also have two big white stripes on the back of my thighs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé ended our engagement, saying he wanted to have "one last quickie" for the road. He saw nothing wrong with that. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rock Springs

Today, I checked the app I had used during the night. It's supposed to record you while you sleep if you make any noise, and I had downloaded because my friends say I snore. The only noise it picked up was my parents having sex. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Lovely bundles of joy

Today, I've had chairs thrown at me, kicks have hit me in the nuts and I've heard "I'm gonna fucking kill you, bitch" several times. I work at a kindergarten. And this is a good day compared to what I'm used to. FML

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By loki - United States

Today, my roommate and I finally went to the DMV to transfer our vehicle ownership title to our names. On our way out, we joked that we were now responsible for any violations involving our car. We came back to a $35 parking ticket. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the only parking spot available at the supermarket had some shopping carts in it, so I got out of my car and moved them. As soon as I finished, a lady stole the spot. When I confronted her, she maced me with pepper spray and walked off. FML

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By Apissedoffguy - United States - Brockton

Today, in a parking lot, a girl came up to our car and started to knock on the window and scream, "I KNEW IT!" My girlfriend doesn't believe that I don't know her. FML

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By eebie jeebies - United States - Cypress

Today, a spider crawled across my arm. After a quick dance in a fit of panic, I managed to scramble onto my bed. I thought I would stand up to see if I could spot the spider and maybe kill it. I was then promptly knocked unconscious by my ceiling fan. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, at the hospital I work at, I had to deliver my best friend's baby. I later found out that my ex boyfriend was the father. Normally this wouldn't faze me, but it did because we broke up last month. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Barnhart

Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having a bizarre dream where I was having sex with Homer Simpson, when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell on me, crushing me to death. I think my brain needs a douching. FML

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By Gnomead

Why People Break Bad

Today, I got turned down for a home for low income people because my income was too low. FML

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By Chad - 6/9/2020 13:59 - United States - Norfolk

Medicare for all

Today, I had to have emergency work done on my teeth after I seized in the shower and smashed my face into the tub. Apparently, the dental insurance I'd been paying for but had never used ended its coverage 4 days ago, because my job was no longer working with them. FML

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By ice cream dude - United States - Denver

Today, I finished my first two weeks as an ice cream truck driver. Now I can't get that annoying ice cream truck music out of my head. It's even in my dreams. FML

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By WTF? - United States

Today, I found myself humming a Skrillex ditty all day. I'm beginning to wonder if I've had some sort of stroke. FML

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By booyouwhoree - United States

Today, I told my friend I hadn't had a period in 5 months. She asked me if I was pregnant. When I asked her if I looked 5 months pregant, she replied by saying "is that supposed to be a trick question?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom asked me if I would be embarrassed if she got a tramp stamp. FML

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Top comments

By youmakemyday_fml | 0

#176880 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:07

ughh...why would you eat something that landed on the table anyway?? wouldn't you wipe it off with a napkin...

By ozymandias_fml | 0

#176888 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:09

You are a disgusting person. Even if it was mayo, that is disgusting. Who a) eats random condiments they find b) especially when splattered on a disgusting public table?

COMMENTS

By Endymion_fml | 0

#176878 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:07

Hmm. I'm dubious. I've never seen mayonaise that looked like bird shit.

Foxracingluver | 0

#829219 - Saturday 6 February 2010 4:21

woooooowwwwwwwww FAIL!!!

hippo23 | 0

#966055 - Monday 22 March 2010 1:58

ewwwwwww! that is really gross! but you just lick what ever is on the table... that's disgusting!

1384450244679 | 0

#1018431 - Friday 4 June 2010 2:28

guys what does op stand for ??

kennyFTW3fiddy | 0

#1026596 - Thursday 10 June 2010 23:45

you are what you eat

Blacksabbath211 | 9

#1045753 - Sunday 27 June 2010 6:04

origional poster

B4SK3TB4IL | 0

#1390825 - Sunday 12 September 2010 4:07

u lick random white liquids?

Cjw1220 | 0

#1593758 - Sunday 24 October 2010 9:17

Orange penguin.

By youmakemyday_fml | 0

#176880 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:07

ughh...why would you eat something that landed on the table anyway?? wouldn't you wipe it off with a napkin...

piemasterp | 8

#953828 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 15:22

the op is such an idiot. why would you ever even eat anything off an outside patio table?

By HoneyBee1014 | 0

#176886 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:08

It's just disgusting that you would wipe anything off of a table & eat it.

By ozymandias_fml | 0

#176888 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:09

You are a disgusting person. Even if it was mayo, that is disgusting. Who a) eats random condiments they find b) especially when splattered on a disgusting public table?

By 24788 | 6

#176890 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:09

Lol, I love how you wanted every drop of mayo.

FYI - Mayo is just one of those sauces that I can't stand.

ladypatience93 | 2

#984491 - Sunday 25 April 2010 5:55

5 I soo agree

By rukusrazor | 0

#176895 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:11

FUCKING GROSS, YDI because mayo is nasty. How could you tell the difference between it and bird shit?

I kid. I kid. Although I would never, ever, ever eat mayo.. I don't honestly think the OP deserves it.

Just saying... gross.

By iamphlybry | 0

#176897 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:11

who does that??
YDI for being a fat fuck.

By Dianegoesboom | 0

#176898 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:11

Ew. Lol, how did it taste :P?

By allyperls89 | 0

#176900 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:12

BIRD FLU!

By ibaneziceman | 0

#176906 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:13

Wow.