Today, after months of eating lunch with my best friend, going...

By nes0385 - 27/8/2016 16:06 - United States - San Antonio

Today, after months of eating lunch with my best friend, going to Barnes and Noble, and having to poop while I was there, I realized I've trained myself to have to poop every single time I step into a Barnes and Noble. FML

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nes0385 tells us more :

OP here! I so didn't think this was going to make it! But I loved reading all your comments! And yes I do read FML while I'm doing my business at Barnes and Noble lol

Health

Understandable

Instadrama

Boozehound alert

By murphslaw - 29/3/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, as I was doing the morning count for the registers, a lady walked by and saw me. She's got Alzheimer's, and thought I was robbing the guy I'd bought the store from, so she called the cops. I spent six hours in jail while they looked into it, and didn't even get an apology. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2009 09:35 - Australia

Today, my husband decided it was time to tell me he had a 3 year old son. We have been married for 5 years. FML

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By Tired - 19/9/2020 02:02 - United Stated

Blowin' in the wind

Today, for the third night in a row, I didn't get any sleep, because my neighbor's new dog won't stop barking when the wind blows. Where I live, we get major wind gusts most days of the week. It's going to be another long night. FML

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By ragsy - 14/8/2009 16:54 - United States

Today, I finally went to Home Depot to buy a chainsaw to cut down the tree leaning dangerously over my garage. When I got home, I found the tree had fallen and taken out the roof while I was shopping. FML

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By FuturePolice - 23/1/2012 09:56 - United States

Today, I was accepted into a police academy. I called my girlfriend of 2 years, who was supportive through the process. She promptly broke up with me, stating, "You'll be really busy in the academy, and I can't marry a police officer. Its a dangerous job." And then called me selfish for "doing this to us." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2018 09:00 - United States - Buffalo

Today, while pooping at work, I was scrolling through social media. I dropped my phone in the toilet and the automatic flusher engaged, flushing my phone halfway into the pipes, which then flooded the toilet. I had to call maintenance and explain what happened to retrieve phone. FML

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By cheesfactor - 19/5/2012 19:50 - Bulgaria - Rousse

Today, my wardrobe door jammed, and I couldn't change out into some nice clothes for my date. On the way there, my car broke down. Not wanting to be late and make a bad impression, I scuttled the rest of the way, only to find I'd been stood up. FML

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By fuckmyassimcold - 14/12/2012 19:19 - United States

Today, I avoided having to wash the dishes by faking a cold. My sucker of a wife believed me and hopped off my balls about it. Later on, after I made a miraculous recovery, she told me to take out the trash. It's freezing outside and raining, and I feel a very real cold coming on. FML

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By halloweenless - 1/11/2010 13:14 - United States

Today, I spent over $160 and 2 hours preparing for a Halloween party I was throwing. The only person who showed up was my sister, who helped me decorate. FML

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By Duellist - 13/4/2017 02:00

Today, someone in Fedex typo'd "KZ" for "NZ" and sent our fencing weapons to Kazakhstan. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2015 12:43 - United Kingdom - Bexley

Today, my bitch of a sister broke my new phone, which took me months of work to earn. Her excuse? If I didn't want her to break it, I shouldn't have let her use it. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2011 04:49 - United States

Today, while practicing my gymnastics routine on the uneven bars, I was so distracted by my teammates' conversation about a party later that I miscalculated my flip and smacked my head on a bar. Ten stitches and a concussion later, I was left alone in the hospital. FML

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By Coco - 19/4/2016 20:58 - Denmark - ?lborg

Today, I invited my sister to my wedding. She is not coming, because I didn't reply to her email three years ago. The one she sent to my whole family, saying that I was a dangerous psychopath. FML

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By Johnnogood - 9/10/2012 13:57 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my boss fired me because of the way I laugh. Apparently it reminds him too much of his ex-wife's laugh. I'm a guy. FML

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By Sabre - 10/7/2018 01:30

Today, in my role as a social worker, I was ordered by the court to take a very pregnant, petite 15-year-old for a prenatal exam. I am an adult male. As she waddled into her appointment, I turned to see hate-filled stares in the entire waiting room. FML

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By - 21/2/2020 01:00

The innocence of children

Today, my 5 year old stabbed me in the back with a pencil because I stole her nose and wouldn’t give it back. My daughter has been sulking now for 3 hours and refuses to breathe until she has her nose. FML

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By Daryll - 22/1/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, I met a girl who had a deeper voice than I do. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2015 19:03 - United States - Springfield

Today, my sister came out of the closet. By which I mean she came out as the pregnant mother of my boyfriend's child. FML

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By justplainsad - 17/9/2009 04:15 - United States

Today, I finally figured out that when a man says "Maybe some other time, I'll be busy then" more than once, he really means "I don't really want to see you again. I didn't think you'd actually USE my number." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2014 22:06 - Canada - Oakville

Today, while driving home, some idiot kept tailgating me, so I slowed down, hoping he'd overtake me. He didn't, so I pulled to the side of the road. He did the same, in front of me. He kept toying with me until I crashed into another car trying to speed away from him. FML

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By luckygirl - 13/10/2015 16:20 - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, I gave my virginity to my boyfriend. All I got in return was rug burn and an infection. FML

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By foreveravirgin - 15/8/2012 19:07 - United States - New Orleans

Today, I found out that instead of going on a date with a girl I've liked for months, I'm going to be forced to have lunch with my grandmother tomorrow. Instead of losing my virginity, I will get to be interrogated about why I'm single. FML

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By Buzz - 1/10/2017 13:00

Today, I've been caffeine-free for 2 weeks. It's turned me into a constipated angry bitch. FML

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By Puppylove - 26/2/2013 18:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my friend's house, when she commented that her dog's fur kept getting tangled because of its length. I reached over to tickle his tummy, felt a big tangled knot and agreed that he needed a good grooming. Then I realized what I'd grabbed wasn't fur. FML

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By Username - 23/3/2011 16:21 - United States

Today, I was playing with my dog. His bouncy ball rolled under the couch, and I got on my hands and knees to get it. He decided it would be a good chance to hump the shit out of me. FML

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By mattttbob - 4/2/2012 10:16 - Australia

Today, I realised my girlfriend only has sex with me to make me exercise. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2009 20:39 - United States

Today, I got a well paying job that requires me to drive around and present a product to potential customers. After going out for a victory meal with friends, I came home to find my car broken into, and my GPS stolen. I need it for the job. FML

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By UglyGirl - 8/11/2015 09:34 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I waved at a baby while standing in line in a store. It started screaming. Its mom looked over in mild concern and gave me a disturbed glare before moving to the next checkout counter over. FML

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By purpleskylight - 27/6/2012 05:29 - United States - Lexington

Today, I tried for 45 minutes to convince my psychiatrist to take me off my antidepressant. When he finally agreed to do so, I broke down into tears and sobbed uncontrollably for 10 minutes. Hello, increased prescription. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2011 08:03 - United States

Today, my aunt and uncle stole $584 from me, since I'm moving out. Their reasoning? I stole things. When I asked what I'd stolen, my aunt looked me straight in the eye and said "Milk Duds." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2016 10:55 - United Kingdom - Farnborough

Today, my brother accused me of faking my bipolar disorder for attention, all because I don't act the same as the bipolar girl in some TV show he watches. FML

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By AVeryConfusedGuy - 11/5/2017 22:00

Today, I was having sex with a girl and she passed out about a minute in. I panicked and thought she'd died so I tried to feel for a heartbeat. She woke up 45 seconds later and accused me of fondling her breasts while she was out. Apparently she has narcolepsy. FML

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By Goodtimes - 1/10/2019 20:01

Trust

Today, I had to dump my girlfriend because of tons of trust issues that kept reappearing. Shortly afterwards, my credit card disappeared and I got to experience my first identity theft. All within 24 hours. FML

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By Username - 1/7/2010 04:55 - France

Today, I found out that while getting your hair cut, you should say 'yes' or 'no', instead of nodding your head. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 23:42 - Canada

Today, I told my parents I wanted to try modelling. I decided that since I have such a low self-esteem, that it might benefit me, and make me feel better about myself and how I look. The first thing out of my dad's mouth was, "What? Why? You're ugly." Thanks dad. FML

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By brannie - 30/1/2012 00:26 - United States

Today, I found out that Google+ has been automatically uploading my cell phone pictures as I take them. My friends have now seen pictures of me, my penis, and other things too horrifying to talk about. FML

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By jess - 30/4/2009 04:51 - United States

Today, I had a dentist appointment after class so I threw my electric toothbrush in my backpack so I could brush my teeth before. In the middle of class the toothbrush turns on and the vibrations could be heard throughout the classroom. They yelled at me "Jess has a vibrator!" FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2010 03:06 - United States

Today, I got banned from my boyfriend's house for being an "insurance liability." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2013 16:16 - United States - Mansfield

Today, I was planning on having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, so I asked my roomate to stay out of our apartment. About half-way through, my roomate blared "The Eye of the Tiger" from the other side of the door. My girlfriend laughed so hard that we couldn't finish. FML

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By MyDeliveriesCanWait - 24/8/2019 02:07

Today, I received the bubble wrap that I'd ordered. When I opened the box, almost every single bubble had been popped. At the bottom of the box, there was a sticky note that said, "Sorry." FML

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Top comments

By saidoh_fml | 26

#6679731 - Sunday 28 August 2016 12:23

Well on the bright side, now you know what to do next time you're constipated.

By xxDeeStar | 27

#6679734 - Sunday 28 August 2016 12:32

In psychology, this situation has a term called "classical conditioning".
Super cool, check it out!

And dw OP, this type of behaviour can be easily unlearned. Don't feel bad!

COMMENTS

By saidoh_fml | 26

#6679731 - Sunday 28 August 2016 12:23

Well on the bright side, now you know what to do next time you're constipated.

By ambeerr | 14

#6679732 - Sunday 28 August 2016 12:28

looks like you're in a pretty shitty situation

heheitscece | 16

#6680062 - Sunday 28 August 2016 22:17

What a super original joke! I haven't seen that one 1000+ times ?

By xxDeeStar | 27

#6679734 - Sunday 28 August 2016 12:32

In psychology, this situation has a term called "classical conditioning".
Super cool, check it out!

And dw OP, this type of behaviour can be easily unlearned. Don't feel bad!

By awildwhisper | 30

#6679740 - Sunday 28 August 2016 12:46

I hope you never have to poop after their business hours and can't get yourself to go at home.

By Tarlachia | 33

#6679783 - Sunday 28 August 2016 13:58

Do you review the books you're considering buying, while sitting on the throne?

By vOIDmASS | 13

#6679791 - Sunday 28 August 2016 14:10

It's good to have a routine. Cheers to you OP!

By blairiofosterio1 | 10

#6679793 - Sunday 28 August 2016 14:10

Perhaps your bowels just feel comfortable around other shit - specifically mainstream teen fiction

manofmerr | 27

#6681150 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 20:01

Thats probably more like diarrhea, she should have a dry, solid stool, so maybe the non-fiction section?

By TeacherTeacher | 11

#6679812 - Sunday 28 August 2016 14:47

As a former employee of lost, lamented Borders, I thank you.

MrSnyde | 4

#6680007 - Sunday 28 August 2016 20:28

I miss Borders so much. So many good sales, I remember getting a $30 book of Sudoku puzzles for like $2.99 and that was long before they closed.

By Ohwell24 | 13

#6679835 - Sunday 28 August 2016 15:26

Your not the only one, happens to me all the time

By nkolhatkar99 | 3

#6679845 - Sunday 28 August 2016 15:48

First world problems.

ImAFaker | 29

#6680044 - Sunday 28 August 2016 21:12

What did you expect on this WEBSITE/APP only accessible through the Internet?