Health: Today, after months of eating lunch with my best friend, going...

By nes0385 - United States - San Antonio

Today, after months of eating lunch with my best friend, going to Barnes and Noble, and having to poop while I was there, I realized I've trained myself to have to poop every single time I step into a Barnes and Noble. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12850

You deserved it

2049

Favorite

nes0385 tells us more :

OP here! I so didn't think this was going to make it! But I loved reading all your comments! And yes I do read FML while I'm doing my business at Barnes and Noble lol

Health

Sorry…

This Charming Man

Priorities

By dancer4life - United States

Today, in ballet class, I was really focusing and actually trying to work hard. I was really getting into the choreography. I was travelling big and leaping long. While going across the floor, again I travelled and leaped... right into the ballet bars and fell over, in front of 35 people. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22016

You deserved it

6098

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Brighton

Today, while on vacation with my family, my mother told me to put my phone in her purse, so it wouldn't get stolen. Someone stole her purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26140

You deserved it

2227

Favorite

By lissysue1 - United States - Green Bay

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I realized he was opening his mouth wide a lot. At first, I thought he was trying to French-kiss me. He was actually yawning through the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31788

You deserved it

4878

Favorite

By Oops - United Kingdom

Today, a friend asked me if I'd buy him some condoms because he's too shy to buy them himself. I obliged and whilst queuing at the till to buy them I felt someone tap my shoulder. I turned around to see my fiancée glaring at me. We don't use condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46803

You deserved it

6789

Favorite

By Rubach - 13/6/2021 02:01

Inked

Today, I came to terms with the fact that my dad will die without knowing I have tattoos on my body. I'm afraid my dad will suffer a deadly heart attack due to the revelation, as he had two heart failures in the past. My dad is still the sort of person who thinks that people with tattoos are criminals. FML

I agree, your life sucks

621

You deserved it

303

Favorite

By Imnotfromhere - 26/6/2021 00:01

It says a lot of shit

Today, I showed up to work with a hickey on my neck and found out my boss is very Christian. He wasted my entire lunch break ranting to me about how the Bible says i shouldn't be having sex before marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

901

You deserved it

260

Favorite

By titillating - United States

Today, on my way to work, I had to squeeze by a man sitting in a large truck parked next to my car. I was in a bit of a hurry and in my rush the collar of my shirt got caught on his grill. My shirt ripped and I flashed the guy my entire boob. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29819

You deserved it

4517

Favorite

By whoslade - United States

Today, I woke up to a punch in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28842

You deserved it

4569

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Timing

Today, I was about to have sex with my boyfriend when he reminded me that I needed to cut my toe nails. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9857

You deserved it

18018

Favorite

By ringmaster101 - United States

Today, I went to the jewelry store to sell my wedding ring after a long and painful divorce. The shop owner took one look at it and called the cops because I tried to sell him a diamond ring that had been stolen from him 3 years ago. My ex-husband left the country a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

76869

You deserved it

3372

Favorite

By Eden - United States

Today, my tonsils swelled to roughly the size of golf balls. My mom refuses to take me to the hospital because she's convinced I got it from kissing someone, and until I "fess up", she's not budging. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40869

You deserved it

3140

Favorite

By not mine!

It wasn't me

Today, I had to make the heartbreaking decision to break up with my boyfriend and kick him out after his second relapse. A few hours later, I had police banging down my door. To get back at me, my now ex had called the cops and anonymously reported all the drugs he’d hidden around my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2204

You deserved it

187

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend was having a party. It was going good until I got the hiccups really bad, and they wouldn't go away. My friend decided to scare them away by shooting a pellet gun right next to my head. Bad news: It blew out my eardrum. I still have the hiccups. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57733

You deserved it

5138

Favorite

By snowlover - United States - Fremont

Today, I was driving through the mountains and there was a chain requirement. I went to put them on and found a note where my chains used to be saying, "Have fun in a blizzard now bitch" from my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44638

You deserved it

6617

Favorite

By noname - United States

Today, my mother wore a see through shirt. She wasn't wearing a bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52440

You deserved it

5191

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my school had to make an official announcement that students were not permitted to go home due to Zayn Malik leaving One Direction because so many girls were claiming they couldn't focus on school with such a dramatic event occurring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42311

You deserved it

3618

Favorite

By wtf - United Kingdom - Staines

Today, I met up with my dad after having worked abroad for the past six months. Apparently, during that time he's had a mid-life crisis or been snorting a few too many turds, because he's now some sort of hippie calling himself "Memnoch of Pleiades". FML

I agree, your life sucks

22419

You deserved it

2098

Favorite

By nerd - United States

Today, I got a call from my friend who invited me to a theme party. It was a goth theme, and I decided to get real into it. I put on a trench coat, black skin tight pants, and black paint under the eyes. When I got there I was greeted by a kid in a pink popped collar. It wasn't a theme party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49041

You deserved it

7690

Favorite

By kutekittykatz - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, while ironing some shirts, my cat decided to hop up and investigate. To prevent him from burning himself, I instinctively moved the iron away and placed it flat on my other hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47191

You deserved it

14556

Favorite

By Lissy - 5/1/2021 14:02

You're my mommy now

Today, and everyday since we got a puppy in March, my husband is jealous of the puppy who follows me everywhere. He was the one that wanted the puppy and now he practically hates it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

810

You deserved it

175

Favorite

By lanz4949 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my superstitious girlfriend of 4 years sneezed in the middle of my proposal. She claimed it was a sign from the universe for us to break up and then immediately left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49055

You deserved it

3728

Favorite

By fuck's sake - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went to a karaoke bar for the first time. I'd never sung in front of others, but I gave it a try. I was accused of being way too drunk and was asked to leave. I didn't get kicked out in the end, but I was told that my singing voice sounds like a dying goat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18998

You deserved it

2066

Favorite

By CoalRose - United States - Santa Clara

Today, my nose ring became a fish hook. What did I catch? My dog's harness. She nearly ripped it out of my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13247

You deserved it

5214

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my stress sweat overpowered my prescription strength deodorant 45 minutes into an 8-hour shift. I don't know who is more miserable, me or my coworkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1766

You deserved it

159

Favorite

By darquedraconian - United States - Rapid City

Today, my son gave me some flowers for Mother's Day. Unfortunately, the only time I can enjoy them is when I go into the bathroom where they are kept so the cat doesn't eat them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40836

You deserved it

6295

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was moving. While packing, I found an old photo that had been laying face down in the bottom of a drawer for some time, and some of the ink transfered to the drawer lining. There is now an image of my ex-girlfriend's face permanently burned into the bottom of my nightstand drawer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32023

You deserved it

5730

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I snuck into the bathroom together at his house for a quickie. Just as we unzipped our pants, his step-dad knocked on the door. Panicking, I jumped into the closet to hide. When his step-dad came in, he went to put some towels away. In the closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16071

You deserved it

42022

Favorite

By woohoo420 - United States - Chino Hills

Today, I was so baked out of my mind that I argued with my parakeet over who farted. I could be wrong, but I think I lost the argument. Worse still, my boyfriend had been standing in the doorway long enough to hear everything, even me farting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9627

You deserved it

41325

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got into a car accident. The other party left the scene immediately after without exchanging insurance information. Deer can be so rude. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32489

You deserved it

8745

Favorite

By Kara - United States

Today, my downstairs neighbor had a home birth. Not only did I hear eighteen hours of uninterrupted screaming, they called me afterwards, asking if I could come over to help them clean up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41185

You deserved it

2767

Favorite

By anon - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, I told my dad that scientists discovered a new sea creature. He said it was all b.s and that scientists just make things up to cover conspiracies. I'm a biological sciences major. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22311

You deserved it

1663

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/4/2021 21:30

Indeed

Today, my mother suffered a stroke and had to be hospitalized. In order to drive him to the hospital, I actually had to find my father, who never answers any phone calls or messages and is rarely home. I found out on the spot that he was cheating on my mother. What an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1134

You deserved it

Favorite

By Shadowfigure23 - United States

Today, I spent most of my morning comforting the guy I love because his fiancée dumped him for some other guy. He continuously told me I had no clue that kind of pain he was in. He dumped me three years ago for the girl that just left him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63412

You deserved it

9781

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I was searched and questioned at the airport for having an apple. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42867

You deserved it

4765

Favorite

By idrow

Today, a bear dragged my neighbor's garbage across the street and stopped right in the middle of my front yard, where it proceeded to scatter the contents and have a feast. When it was finished, it took a massive dump on my lawn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2958

You deserved it

190

Favorite

By Elrond Hubbard - United States

Today, I drove my dad to Walmart to do some shopping. His leg is still in a cast after an accident, so I helped him to the last mobility scooter. A guy whose only disability was clearly Fat-Fuck Syndrome then yelled at us, claiming he needed it more and that my dad was a faker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37954

You deserved it

2593

Favorite

By wouldn'tyouliketoknow

Sneaky moggie

Today, my neighbours were screaming for their "lost" cat again. I've already seen the cat multiple times. In my garden. Pissing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1479

You deserved it

119

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to find that I'd left my clothes in my roommate's bedroom. After returning from a night of heavy drinking, I apparently got up to use the bathroom and used her room as a toilet. I don't remember this, but pee stains don't lie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8299

You deserved it

30230

Favorite

By it_IS_just_me - United States

Today, I Googled my ex-husband only to find that in the years since we've split he now fancies himself as a stand-up comic. His material? Our sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42125

You deserved it

9282

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 05:03 - United States

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

Today, I started the internship of my dreams. The company has nothing for me to do, so I sit and stare at the clock. FML

I agree, your life sucks

964

You deserved it

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By saidoh_fml | 26

#6679731 - Sunday 28 August 2016 12:23

Well on the bright side, now you know what to do next time you're constipated.

By xxDeeStar | 27

#6679734 - Sunday 28 August 2016 12:32

In psychology, this situation has a term called "classical conditioning".
Super cool, check it out!

And dw OP, this type of behaviour can be easily unlearned. Don't feel bad!

COMMENTS

By saidoh_fml | 26

#6679731 - Sunday 28 August 2016 12:23

Well on the bright side, now you know what to do next time you're constipated.

By ambeerr | 14

#6679732 - Sunday 28 August 2016 12:28

looks like you're in a pretty shitty situation

heheitscece | 16

#6680062 - Sunday 28 August 2016 22:17

What a super original joke! I haven't seen that one 1000+ times ?

By xxDeeStar | 27

#6679734 - Sunday 28 August 2016 12:32

In psychology, this situation has a term called "classical conditioning".
Super cool, check it out!

And dw OP, this type of behaviour can be easily unlearned. Don't feel bad!

By awildwhisper | 30

#6679740 - Sunday 28 August 2016 12:46

I hope you never have to poop after their business hours and can't get yourself to go at home.

By Tarlachia | 33

#6679783 - Sunday 28 August 2016 13:58

Do you review the books you're considering buying, while sitting on the throne?

By vOIDmASS | 13

#6679791 - Sunday 28 August 2016 14:10

It's good to have a routine. Cheers to you OP!

By blairiofosterio1 | 10

#6679793 - Sunday 28 August 2016 14:10

Perhaps your bowels just feel comfortable around other shit - specifically mainstream teen fiction

manofmerr | 27

#6681150 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 20:01

Thats probably more like diarrhea, she should have a dry, solid stool, so maybe the non-fiction section?

By TeacherTeacher | 11

#6679812 - Sunday 28 August 2016 14:47

As a former employee of lost, lamented Borders, I thank you.

MrSnyde | 4

#6680007 - Sunday 28 August 2016 20:28

I miss Borders so much. So many good sales, I remember getting a $30 book of Sudoku puzzles for like $2.99 and that was long before they closed.

By Ohwell24 | 13

#6679835 - Sunday 28 August 2016 15:26

Your not the only one, happens to me all the time

By nkolhatkar99 | 3

#6679845 - Sunday 28 August 2016 15:48

First world problems.

ImAFaker | 29

#6680044 - Sunday 28 August 2016 21:12

What did you expect on this WEBSITE/APP only accessible through the Internet?