By Anonymous - 9/2/2021 20:00

Your cooking, dude

Today, I made popcorn shrimp. My dog was being a whiner so I gave her one of the shrimp. I guess she didn't like it because she hopped right back up and spat it out on my plate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

360

You deserved it

622

Favorite

The smell detective is on the case

Bitch ass move

On a leash

By Anonymous

Weirdly specific

Today, I was told by this creeper in my grade who I don't talk to ever that I have the same bra size as Megan Fox. He was right. I have no idea how he knows my bra size. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1613

You deserved it

308

Favorite

By Sam

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend at the mall at Victoria's Secret. We got separated, after which I saw 3 of my students. I teach middle school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2155

You deserved it

254

Favorite

By ilovepancakes - United States - Rolling Meadows

Today, after talking to the man whose car I scratched, we agreed that the damages and cost of repair were so low and instead of me paying I just buy him coffee. When I showed up he saw me, decided I was too ugly to have coffee with, and instead demanded full payment in cash. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14103

You deserved it

1380

Favorite

By Earplugged - United States - Vancouver

Today, I have to wear earplugs in my own apartment because my neighbor won't turn down his music. My landlord doesn't believe me because "people with disabilities can't be rude." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30593

You deserved it

2143

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, a customer handed me the ankle-length hosiery she had just used to try on some shoes, and as I sat there feeling the warm dampness of them in the palm of my hand, she said "You should throw those away, I have a toe fungus." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32929

You deserved it

2920

Favorite

By Ignatius - United States

Today, was teacher appreciation day at my school. They played a slideshow of all the teachers. The students cheered wildly for every teacher. When my picture came up, nobody clapped. The whole room was quiet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59919

You deserved it

26699

Favorite

By Joe - United States

Today, I asked a guy if he could buy me a pack of cigarettes, since I'm still under 18. He took my money, went into the supermarket, and must have slipped out a side-entrance, because he never came back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10776

You deserved it

125814

Favorite

By seagull hater - United States - San Diego

Today, I left my sunroof on my truck open for 5 minutes while I ran into the bank. When I came out a seagull had gotten into my truck. I managed to open the doors and get it out but not before it tore up a seat and pooped everywhere inside my truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24612

You deserved it

7413

Favorite

By BrokenPoke - United States - Elkhart

PokeCrash

Today, my wife screamed to stop the car in an intersection, so I slammed on the brakes. From the left, an SUV rammed full force into us. My wife is unharmed, but I now have a broken left arm and our car is totaled. On the bright side, she caught the Pokémon in the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5472

You deserved it

896

Favorite

By naughtyshirt - Australia

Today, my husband came home from shopping with my 4 year old daughter and showed me a shirt she picked out herself. The shirt read "My mom's easy i'm living proof." Apparently she just liked the colours and her father agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39745

You deserved it

4480

Favorite

By Anonymous - 11/4/2021 05:00

Stay safe, everyone

Today, I found out that one of my workmates had passed away due to Covid-19. He was among five other workmates who were calling me a "pussy" for going back and forth to work in car, instead of public transport. These five guys were eventually infected by someone in the public transport. FML

I agree, your life sucks

871

You deserved it

121

Favorite

By dog got ur phone

Today, I was playing music from my phone, which was on the couch. I guess my dog got jealous, because she picked it up and ran over to the toilet, promptly dropping it right in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4918

You deserved it

714

Favorite

By Vanessa - 28/4/2021 13:59

Classic narcissist

Today, my mother-in-law had a bitch fit because I had a miscarriage and my husband and I are having a difficult time. It’s her birthday and she said I should, “stop being an attention-hogging drama queen” and that, “shit happens, get over it” She doesn’t see what's wrong with her statements. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1245

You deserved it

Favorite

By itssomething - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, my closest encounter to having sex in the last four months was getting chlamydia from Russell Brand. In a dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20489

You deserved it

2610

Favorite

By Joe - United States

Today, I had the cops called on me because I accidentally texted "I'm going to kill you and use your head as hood ornament" to my ex-fiancé, instead of my best friend. I only texted that because he got a better grade on an exam than me. Now I have a court date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31972

You deserved it

45521

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bridgwater

Today, I sent an email to my boss saying I'd fixed a glitch in our mail servers. He called me later, angrily shouting that I'd done a piss-poor job of fixing it, because my email had spammed his inbox with several hundred duplicate messages. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20767

You deserved it

11271

Favorite

By jdancerchick - United States

Today, while driving and singing, I noticed a large fly inside my car. I stopped singing so it wouldn't fly into my mouth. That didn't stop it from flying up my nose, causing me to swerve and drive into a ditch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31188

You deserved it

4693

Favorite

By fml - United States - Billerica

Today, they introduced us to this cheesy school email program. I was trying to be funny and made a draft and sent it to "All" and I typed, "Thanos did nothing wrong." The send button was right next to the discard email button. I sent,"Thanos did nothing wrong" to every kid and teacher at school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

717

You deserved it

2996

Favorite

By Anonymous

Once you see it…

Today, it was brought to my attention that my dog has a giant anus. I'd never noticed. Now I can't stop staring at his silver dollar-sized backdoor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1293

You deserved it

275

Favorite

By WHAT A NICE GUY YOU ARE, SIR SHITSPAWN!!!1! - United States

Today, this weird kid in class asked me on a date. He claims to be a werewolf. His excuse for not being able to turn into one? A "rare disease." His excuse for everyone rejecting him? "Friend-zoning bitches." I was the last resort even for a jackoff "nice guy" werewolf. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41327

You deserved it

3692

Favorite

By Paul Williams - United States

Today, I had my first hockey game after being out with a shoulder injury. I ended up cracking my tail bone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34302

You deserved it

4461

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I wrote to the guy whom I am in love with how I feel about him. He was very calm and told me to give him some time to think it over. Later in the day, I found out he blocked my number and rejected me on facebook. But, the worse part is he then texted me saying "This is my reply". FML

I agree, your life sucks

37081

You deserved it

5013

Favorite

By flatchested Sam - United States - Radcliff

Today, my mom said I should start wearing push up bras to make myself look better. I was wearing one when she said that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45737

You deserved it

3934

Favorite

By Cantunsee

Today, I found out just how close my boyfriend has been getting to our new neighbour's teenage son. I came home from work to find them on my bed and my "straight" boyfriend head down ass up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4973

You deserved it

402

Favorite

By Iarla_ceapaire93 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I went to the gym to try to get into shape. While I was running on the treadmill, my beer belly pushed against the emergency stop button, twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28417

You deserved it

5543

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Victoria

Today, I woke up with a giant red rash all over my face, so puffed up that I could hardly open my eyes. The doctor said it was probably from some of the compounds found in most makeup. I'm just getting into theatre and have auditions coming up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35099

You deserved it

3987

Favorite

By really? - United States

Today, I found a purse in the school bathroom. When I looked inside, there was an iPod along with some other expensive stuff in it. I took it to the office so the right owner would get it back. The owner passed me in the hall on the way there; she freaked out and punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45618

You deserved it

3012

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, as my dad and I were leaving a store, a man asked us if we could donate to an Alzheimer's fund. My dad hates being asked for money, and so he immediately hunched over and acted like a dirty, senile old man all the way to the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22873

You deserved it

2153

Favorite

By facepalm - United States

Today, I really had to go to the bathroom. Due to my fear of public restrooms, I made sure it was clear before I started. I heard someone sigh halfway through. Embarrassed, I waited a full ten minutes before leaving the stall, only to see that it was only the automatic air freshener. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14922

You deserved it

35693

Favorite

By everythingWASperfect - Canada

Today, at work, I accidentally walked into a meeting at which the whole company was there but me. The meeting was about how they could legally fire me while paying as little severance as possible. I'm the CEO and the founder of the company. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47589

You deserved it

4290

Favorite

By patrickRafael - Singapore

Today, my father was pruning the tree in our front yard. I was helping him collect the falling branches. At one point, a branch fell and I was under it. My father jumped to push me out of the way. Instead he pushed the branch into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27302

You deserved it

2995

Favorite

By mahanaaa_23 - United States - Honolulu

Today, my boyfriend of 6 years proposed to me. Less than 3 hours later, he panicked and made me give the ring back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45712

You deserved it

4380

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that my roommate, the one in charge of the cooking, never washes her hands beforehand. According to her, it boosts her immune system. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30483

You deserved it

4181

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from an angry parent telling me that I'm teaching her son and the other children in the class "wrong philosophies". This was all because I explained to the class that Michigan is divided into two parts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41300

You deserved it

2759

Favorite

By Stop being healthy

Today, and every other day this week, I brought carrots and celery into work to eat as a snack instead of chocolate. I got back from lunch to find a note on my desk saying, "Do you really think it's OK to eat carrots and celery that loudly every day?" Guess I won't try to be healthy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4357

You deserved it

782

Favorite

By Nochnoii - Belgium

Today, I was chewing my pen while I was paying attention to my teacher. I chewed a bit too hard, and something broke off, so I casually looked at my pen. It was unharmed. One of my front teeth had broken off. Everyone in class, including the teacher, had to see it before I could call my dentist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31564

You deserved it

13205

Favorite

By MystoganFT - United States - Emmaus

Today, some guy I don't know walked up to me and told me that he's determined to sleep with my girlfriend, then walked away while giving me the finger. I've never seen him before in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25069

You deserved it

1806

Favorite

By sofuckingembarassing. - United States

Today, I spoke to my crush for the first time, and after a while he asked for my number. Ecstatic, I took the first piece of paper I saw out of my purse. I wrote it down and gave it to him, but he handed it back and said, "You might need this." It was an appointment card for my therapist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34126

You deserved it

7946

Favorite

By Frenchgirl - United States

Today, it was my first day at school in the United States. Being from France, my French accent is really strong. After being made fun of all day, I met someone from Montreal. I was so excited and said, "Parlez-vous Français?" And his response? "HUH?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

33156

You deserved it

6190

Favorite

By MommaAnnie - United States - Overland Park

Today, I learned my husband has what he calls "grumpy wife sex" specifically to cheer me up. I don't know if I'm more annoyed that he casually mentioned it after we've been together for 10 years, or that it actually works. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50553

You deserved it

14742

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Shabba_13 | 13

#7970497 - Wednesday 10 February 2021 1:03

oh shut up a shrimp wont hurt and a trained dog wont beg either way

By dasin | 17

#7971176 - Friday 12 February 2021 12:55

you should prolly pick your plate off the floor

COMMENTS

By rotflqtms_ | 18

#7970448 - Tuesday 9 February 2021 20:30

don't feed your dog from the table or it'll beg every time you are eating, even if it's something they're not supposed to eat.

Shabba_13 | 13

#7970497 - Wednesday 10 February 2021 1:03

oh shut up a shrimp wont hurt and a trained dog wont beg either way

By RichardPencil | 30

#7970490 - Wednesday 10 February 2021 0:21

She probably thought your shrimp was a rubber chew toy, and engaged in a game of fetch.

(sarcasm) I envy the humans who get to eat your delightful shrimp. (/sarcasm)

By DoctorPALO | 11

#7970734 - Wednesday 10 February 2021 22:49

You mean hocked up....

By dasin | 17

#7971176 - Friday 12 February 2021 12:55

you should prolly pick your plate off the floor