Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy if he bit me on...

By RainCl0ud - United States

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy if he bit me on the lips. Normally, I would have enjoyed it, if the lips in question were the ones on my face. FML

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RainCl0ud tells us more :

OP here. This man is my husband now, and all these years later, he still tries to bite me every now and then. It doesn't happen often enough for me to discuss it with him and I don't want to embarrass him when it does happen. It doesn't hurt but I just don't enjoy it.

Intimacy

Out of it

And today, on Dr Phil…

Taking stock

By doomed - United States

Today, I got a letter from my mother-in-law stating that demons made her spread rumors about me all over my hometown before my wedding. FML

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By TBaggins00 - United States

Today, as I was texting a friend, I was going to warm up some cold pizza. As I got finished with a text I put the pizza in the microwave and set the timer. After the timer ran out, I opened the door and smelled burnt plastic. Turns out phones aren't meant to be in the microwave. FML

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By justmyluck5150 - United States

Today, I told the doctor that one of my ribs sticks out farther than the other. When I lifted my shirt to show him, he immediately laughed and said, "Whoa, that's not subtle is it!" As if I wasn't already insecure about it. FML

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By Jayde - United States

Today, I received a single, hand-made Valentine's card from the weirdest kid in the school. It said, "If you ever get mauled by a bear, I hope he doesn't damage your face." FML

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By Steiner - United States - Troy

Today, my relatives won't acknowledge my existence unless I'm posting a picture of my cat. They only talk about the cat. FML

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By Queerbait - Australia

I'm not, but…

Today, my girlfriend's mother insisted she's not homophobic, but however people only 'turn gay' because they were sexually abused, or are 'making it up to get attention'. She informed me I'm the former and my girlfriend is the latter. Uh huh. FML

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By addie - United States

Today, my fiancé called me as I was clocking out. I thought he was going to tell me that he was waiting outside. Instead, he told me that he's getting arrested and needs me to call his mom for him. FML

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By RainbowSuck - Canada

Today, after passing various interviews and tests, I was given a great job pending a pre-employment medical test. Now I'm jobless and colorblind. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally weighed myself after going on a strict diet of only fruits, vegetables, and coffee. I gained weight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spring

Today, after having a pretty rough day, I decided a nice, hot shower would be great. Ten minutes in, the shower head apparently couldn't take the water pressure anymore, and it flew off and hit me in the face. FML

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Today, my husband told me that, to feel less unreliable, he was just going to stop saying he was going to do anything around the house. That way, when he actually did something (i.e. wash dishes), I could be pleasantly surprised. FML

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By ktm1313 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I donated blood for the first time. It wasn't until I passed out on the ice during hockey practice that I remembered the nurse warning me not to do any type of exercise. FML

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By F.U. QFN - 28/3/2021 00:29

Get out

Today, I was given my marching orders because I corrected my supervisor on something he was actually doing wrong. It seems I deserve this for "not learning to obey my immediate superiors." FML

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By anonymous - Australia - Rockdale

Today, I received a bunch of flowers from my 'lover'. This would be fine except that I don't have a lover, and my boyfriend now thinks I'm cheating. FML

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By Sam_Licker81 - United States

Today, I was baking cookies and opened the oven door to check on them. Apparently, wearing a gold necklace means the wave of heat will burn your very fair skin. I now have a bright red ring of stars around my neck. FML

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By fmjob - Canada

Today, I finally told my parents I would be changing bedrooms because I could no longer stand hearing them having sex, which is awkward and disturbing. Later, my dad came and asked me quietly if I thought my mom sounded "satisfied." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rochester

Today, I lost my virginity. We did it on the floor in my step-sister's room, and the entire time he kept pushing my head into the carpet. I lost my V-card but gained rug burn on my face that looks like a fatal disease. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I checked the facebook event page that I had set up for my 21st birthday at an awesome restaurant/bar which I had set up a week ago. Out of 39 invitees, the only person who said yes is my boyfriend. FML

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By elo - France

Today, I woke up beside a disgusting guy I didn't know. He told me he was the best friend of the handsome guy I was hitting on yesterday evening. I can't remember at which point I got mislead into bringing the wrong one home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was running a marathon. I stopped to massage my stiff legs, when an elderly spectator taunted, "Oohhh yeah, that's it! Massage those legs good, boy!" She looked about 70. FML

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By jen - United States

Today, I realized I have no life after I created a fake Facebook account, posted an insulting message on my wall, and then engaged in a vicious argument with it, just so I could impress my friends. FML

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By Anonymous

Pincushion

Today, I accidentally broke a vase. When I was clearing it up, I used my bare hand to sweep up the shards without thinking. I'm still fishing pieces of broken glass out of my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a ticket for being drunk in public. I was walking a couple blocks from the bar to my house, because I didn't want to drive drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Kerkrade

Today, I called my boyfriend during his lunch break. He started to place his order at a fast food joint, and trying to be funny, I started moaning sexily after each part of his order. I eventually realised I was on speaker when I heard snickering in the background. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Panama City

Today, my best friend stopped by my house, borrowed a movie, and left. That was the extent of our communication for the day. Today is my birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Columbia

Today, I shared with my doctor that I still feel uncomfortable with my medication. She expressed surprise, saying, "Really? By now I would've thought it'd be routine." Sorry, no. In three months, I have not gotten used to sticking a syringe up my butt and injecting my rectum full of medicated foam. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a telemarketer found me so weird that he hung up on me. FML

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By Amy

Adapt, overcome, improvise

Today, I was squeezed through an overly-crowded hallway down to my psychologist's. There, I sat in an overly-crowded waiting room to see him, next to an obese woman and an insane man. I finally entered the smaller-than-a-closet room. My reason for seeing a psychologist? Claustrophobia. FML

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By beka

Today, after our housing offer was accepted, I told my parents. The only response was, “That’s a much nicer house than I had when I got married, I hope you can afford furniture.” Thanks mom. FML

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By CallmeEddie - United States - Joliet

Today, while I was in a bathroom stall, the guy next to me asked me for toilet paper. It was then that I realized I didn't have any either. FML

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By too good - United Kingdom - Dartford

Today, my boyfriend and I tried roleplaying a teacher-student during sex. We're both studying to be actors, so we ended up going into a really deep, emotional storyline that didn't end in sex at all. FML

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By grossedout - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I had to ask one of my coworkers if we were supposed to return a client's teeth to her. I work at a jewellery store. FML

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By Patrick - 29/10/2020 03:08 - Trinidad and Tobago - Couva

What?

Today, my coworker got a raise by making our boss give me a pay cut for doing his job while he was slacking off. As we were heading home for the day, he found $100. FML

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By galen - United States

Today, I hooked up with a girl from the bar. We went back to my place and started making out, I took off her shirt and bra and started kissing her breasts. I felt her chest hair tickle my tongue. FML

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By littlekellilee - Canada

Today, I was in class and felt something tugging on my hair. I thought it was caught on the chair, so I turned around a little to look. The guy behind me was holding my hair and smelling it. He gave me a creepy smile, winked, and continued. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, marks the fourth straight night that my girlfriend has screamed and cried in fear, scratching and kicking me in her sleep. The reason? I took her to see Paranormal Activity 3. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Worcester

Today, we had a safety meeting at my warehouse job. They had an entire power point based around their message, "Stop getting hurt; it costs the company too much money." FML

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By NeverGonnaGetAny - United States

Today, I was discussing sex with my guy friends in their dorm when I asked one of them what he would do if I got naked and crawled into his bed. He replied, "Nothing. You're one of the guys now." They all agreed. FML

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By MyPoorEyes - Australia - Melbourne

Today, it was my first day working as a pharmacist. I quickly discovered that customers not only think that it makes me qualified to offer free medical advice, but they also have no qualms about showing me their various lumps, bumps, and vaginal leakages. FML

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By roomingwithevil - United States - Slinger

Today, I found out who my randomly assigned roommate was. Out of 10,000+ people, I just happen to get assigned a girl who threatened to kill me. FML

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Top comments

By ciarafox9 | 9

#3188464 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:01

Why would he think that's a good idea?

By Midrash | 5

#3188472 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:03

Maybe he wanted to try something he saw on twilight

COMMENTS

By bubblepaarty | 5

#3188447 - Saturday 27 August 2011 12:57

tht's disgusting . D:

maddy14 | 0

#3188522 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:13

Exactly

Valentina_Baby | 7

#3188639 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:36

That's hott xD

genesisnirvana | 11

#3188672 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:41

Flaming Lips

YoTengoTomatoes | 7

#3188697 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:46

it's not disgusting, it just sounds a bit painful.... like I dont think most guys would want their penis bit.

Steven696 | 6

#3188749 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:55

31- eh lightly or playfully is alright, just sucks when that person gets to into it and forgets how sensitive people are down there, then the pain begins

Sebastian_NG | 17

#3189339 - Saturday 27 August 2011 15:54

27
I luvs u

CleverBastard | 8

#3189921 - Saturday 27 August 2011 17:16

If he bites your lower lips, bite his lower head

ladiesman219 | 4

#3190759 - Saturday 27 August 2011 20:15

What are you gay?

kyarush | 10

#3191234 - Saturday 27 August 2011 22:38

Yummmm

luvvs_theatre132 | 0

#3192445 - Sunday 28 August 2011 3:38

Ok, well I LOVE being bit there...

somewizdom | 15

#3218768 - Friday 2 September 2011 1:35

Mouths have lips too?!!

By ciarafox9 | 9

#3188464 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:01

Why would he think that's a good idea?

EGORAPTOR | 7

#3188531 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:16

Because it's funny lol

ciarafox9 | 9

#3188622 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:34

I fail to see how this would be funny for either..

beerhead | 0

#3188694 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:45

Would it be funny if your gf bite your dick tip :/?

soiheardyoufaile | 4

#3189033 - Saturday 27 August 2011 15:13

Is it bad that I have a mental imagery of OP's boyfriend saying "omnomnomnom" while doing this?

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#3189076 - Saturday 27 August 2011 15:23

VAGINA

oops_im_fucked | 8

#3189877 - Saturday 27 August 2011 17:12

At least he didn't bite the lower lips and tear away...

h00l1gan | 5

#3189915 - Saturday 27 August 2011 17:15

Maybe he just nibbled on it? My ex used to really dig that and made me bite her through her pantys

tona01 | 16

#3190253 - Saturday 27 August 2011 18:22

That fml just made me do the stupid face all men do whenever we hear some guy got kicked in the nuts real hard
Seriously girls on fml, do some of you like that?

yajooo | 3

#3191817 - Sunday 28 August 2011 1:43

some times if ur gental :)

bizarre_ftw | 21

#3192673 - Sunday 28 August 2011 4:15

59 - yes but lol

tandem123 | 6

#3192823 - Sunday 28 August 2011 4:42

How has 11 not been buried with over -50?

EGORAPTOR | 7

#3193223 - Sunday 28 August 2011 5:56

It's my opinion and yea it would hurt but it's funny to the readers

megaaann_fml | 9

#3204498 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 10:28

30: Budget circumcision?

CcShh | 4

#4495355 - Tuesday 29 May 2012 14:51

Omnomnomnomnommm! Lmao!!!

By cudi504 | 4

#3188466 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:02

Maybe he was hoping you would get turned on by pain? Some people are into that yakno

tylersign | 11

#3188524 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:14

K, I know the picture isn't you. But what the fuck

tmmundy | 17

#3188590 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:28

just ignore the picture. thats what's he's trying to do. to see how many comments he gets about the stupid picture. actually he's making fun a the white boy.

BehindU | 5

#3190913 - Saturday 27 August 2011 21:09

Kinky?

bobsaggit | 3

#3191513 - Sunday 28 August 2011 0:14

Lol yakno

chelzy | 0

#3193935 - Sunday 28 August 2011 8:44

Dude, I'm into that, but if my girlfriend bit those lips, I would kick her. That shut hurts!!!

tylersign | 11

#3194521 - Sunday 28 August 2011 11:28

3, you deleted your picture. What wrong whichu!? It was hilarious.

BirdieCurls | 25

#5996937 - Friday 4 July 2014 0:46

I pronounced that yack-no over five times before I got that

By Midrash | 5

#3188472 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:03

Maybe he wanted to try something he saw on twilight

ninjaniki | 0

#3188538 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:16

a vampire loves his woman all month long.. ;)

megaaann_fml | 9

#3188877 - Saturday 27 August 2011 14:32

Yeah, a period doesn't last a whole month, dipshit.

thesunsetglow_fml | 8

#3188999 - Saturday 27 August 2011 15:05

12 is saying that the loving doesn't stop for the period. Therefore he loves her all month long, INCLUDING aunt Flow.

gchartier90 | 0

#3189001 - Saturday 27 August 2011 15:06

Idiot

ninjaniki | 0

#3189073 - Saturday 27 August 2011 15:23

fools look foolish trying to make others look like fools.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3189360 - Saturday 27 August 2011 15:55

60- That should be the slogan for this site, except a little more explicit lol. I love it when fools fail in such way.

chelseabitez | 0

#3189839 - Saturday 27 August 2011 17:05

Lmao!!!!!!!!!!!!

h00l1gan | 5

#3189935 - Saturday 27 August 2011 17:18

60-I pity the fool who tries to make other fools seem foolish even though they are not fools

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3190155 - Saturday 27 August 2011 18:04

Mistah T pityin' the foos!

By ninjaniki | 0

#3188477 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:04

some like it rough, some don't. You clearly don't.

Majstr | 23

#3188715 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:49

Exactly.

pixelebrate | 0

#3188803 - Saturday 27 August 2011 14:04

5- Your pic matches the comment.

craZgal321 | 6

#3189712 - Saturday 27 August 2011 16:45

i was judt gonna say tht

By kkmwong | 11

#3188493 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:09

Yay.

By borkchop1992 | 15

#3188526 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:14

he was eating out let him have his fun

borkchop1992 | 15

#3188547 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:17

fun*

leadman1989 | 15

#3189510 - Saturday 27 August 2011 16:15

Didn't his mother ever tell him not to play with his food?

yomommma | 6

#3203281 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 5:03

Some people are into that sorta thang.

By perdix | 29

#3188548 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:18

Someone's been watching too much porn. The sad part is that they don't give you instructions on how much pressure to apply to get the best results.

thesunsetglow_fml | 8

#3189004 - Saturday 27 August 2011 15:08

Does that make porn like Ikea instructions? It shows you pictures but doesn't tell you how to do it, resulting in a massive fuck up. Seen here.

joeiscool68 | 0

#3189815 - Saturday 27 August 2011 17:01

14 and 57 win! I literally lol'd

IndigoAcrylic | 9

#3193217 - Sunday 28 August 2011 5:55

I was the 69th person to thumbs you up (;

woosah | 16

#3194189 - Sunday 28 August 2011 9:44

Oh you were? @165.....

HomeAl0ne | 20

#3208282 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 1:31

Fucking Ikea.

When the guy who started that company dies, I so hope that his family and friends arrive at the funeral to find a flat pack coffin that they have to assemble before the ceremony can commence.