Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy if he bit me on...

By RainCl0ud - 27/8/2011 06:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy if he bit me on the lips. Normally, I would have enjoyed it, if the lips in question were the ones on my face. FML

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RainCl0ud Say more :

OP here. This man is my husband now, and all these years later, he still tries to bite me every now and then. It doesn't happen often enough for me to discuss it with him and I don't want to embarrass him when it does happen. It doesn't hurt but I just don't enjoy it.

Intimacy

You can't win sometimes

The student becomes the master

Time for the ER

By Anonymous - 25/4/2015 17:32 - United States

Today, I orgasmed in front of someone for the first time. Too bad it was my dad who didn't knock before coming in. FML

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By skinnybitch - 11/12/2012 18:09 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, the guy I'm dating found out I have severe arachnophobia. He downloaded a picture of a huge, hairy spider and set it as background on my iPhone. I can't even unlock my phone, as every time I try, the spider pops up and I drop the phone. He laughs every time I do it. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2018 04:00

Today, we were at church when I pulled my toddler’s hand out of his pants and he screamed "I WAS MAKING MY PENIS BIG!" I need a new church. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2019 12:00

Today, after almost a year of dating and getting dumped out of the blue, I found out my ex-girlfriend wants to get a restraining order against me. I guess dropping a box of her things on her porch after she wouldn't answer her phone is considered stalking. FML

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By heart of cold - 11/1/2016 09:12 - United States

Today, my roommate invited a couple of homeless gentlemen in to our house. After drinking all our beer, throwing up on our carpet, and repeatedly asking if we were planning on killing them, I asked them to leave. My roommate told them they're welcome back anytime. FML

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By smallfrie32 - 23/11/2010 05:22

Today, I realized that 95% of my facebook friends added me only because they think my sisters are hot. FML

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By NightHawk4926 - 9/9/2015 22:15 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man. I gave him my sandwich, since he needed it more than me. Seconds later, he was attacked by a flock of birds. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2013 20:25 - Canada - Dollard-des-ormeaux

Today, I went with my boyfriend to his church youth group for the first time. I found out a girl there likes him, when she decided to pull me off him while we were hugging, and take my place. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2015 05:09 - United States - Boston

Today, I tried to be nice and let a homeless man have a place to crash for the night. He repaid me by pissing all over my new couch. FML

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By annon - 11/2/2012 06:23 - Canada

Today, my brother's girlfriend broke up with him. He has been playing Whitney Houston's "I will always love you" all day. FML

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By bfall74 - 31/5/2011 22:35 - Canada

Today, I was stood up by a blind date. After calling and texting her about being a horrible person, she called me from the hospital. She was in a car accident. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2009 12:56 - United States

Today, I received a "diamond ring" in Mafia Wars (a facebook app) from my boyfriend of 3 years. Along with the ring came a message. It read, "Will you marry me?" He was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2013 16:27 - United States - Spanaway

Today, at my wedding, the minister forgot to skip the "does anyone object?" part. My mother stood up and gave a lengthy reason, which caused my future in-laws to start shouting. It turned into a small riot, and no, we're not married now. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2012 02:04 - United States

Today, my grandparents visited. My grandpa kept getting off the couch and walking around to "stretch his legs." He kept kicking out my computer's network cable and messing up my game, smirking each time he did it. When I complained, my mom told me to shut up and show some respect. FML

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By JackNicholsonInChinatown - 25/10/2016 02:58

Today, like most days, my cat tried to wake me up with a gentle, fluffy paw pat on my nose. This morning, however, he managed to get his claw caught inside my nostril. FML

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By 918boyz - 4/2/2009 22:23 - United States

Today, I got in line at the grocery store. The woman in front of me looked right at me, turned to her friend, and said "That reminds me, I forgot to get acne cream." FML

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By Noname - 13/3/2009 20:54 - United States

Today, at the dinner table my parents were talking to my younger sister about her new boyfriend and how they should be taking it slow. My sister then pointed out that that's not what I do. My dad said, "Believe me I know- your sister's easier to get into than community college." FML

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By Numb - 11/4/2011 19:27 - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth pulled. My usually detached and unromantic boyfriend rushed right over after work with flowers and movies. A little while later, he admitted excitedly that he'd heard the numbing medication also works on gag reflexes and wanted to test the theory. FML

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By PoorJudgeOfCharacter - 25/5/2020 08:00

How could you?

Today, I found out that before I met my boyfriend of one year, he slept with his twin brother's ex girlfriend who his twin had dated for two years before ending things. Am I dating a monster? FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2013 15:25 - United States

Today, I had a job interview with a man that I got drunk with at a bar on Saturday night. He spent an hour telling me things I did that I don't even remember. FML

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By mickstinator - 25/6/2009 15:37 - United States

Today, I was parking my car outside of my apartment, but the big truck next to the spot went over the line. I squeezed in anyway. Later, I discovered the truck had left and someone keyed my car. They left a note saying, "Good parking job, asshole." FML

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By greeter - 18/10/2016 06:49 - Canada - Willow Grove

Today, my class had a very important meeting about workplace safety. I thought I led some of my classmates to the meeting very well, until they informed me that I accidentally ran a red light on the way there. They brought this infraction up during the class every chance they got. FML

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By livingstonjamie - 13/1/2015 08:28 - Australia - Hampton

Today, a council worker showed up on my doorstep for the final pool installation inspection, which was scheduled 10 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2018 01:30

Today, while bringing my baby an early-morning bottle, I tripped over a ball and fell into the glass coffee table, smashing it and cutting myself pretty badly. My husband slept through the whole thing, but the neighbors came by to tell me to keep it down. FML

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By anonymous - 6/7/2016 13:53 - United States

Today, I got a question wrong on an exam. The question started with, "In your opinion..." FML

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By dyingtinkerbell - 18/10/2009 11:14 - Australia

Today, I went to my company's HR manager to ask what the procedure was to file a sexual harassment complaint since my boss exposed himself to me. His response was that the procedure is to "get over it." And he went back to reading. FML

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By teacher - 7/9/2014 21:05 - United States - Apo

Today, I started my first teaching job ever. As I was teaching, another teacher interrupted my class about 5 times because she thought it was her class. Not only did she ruin my confidence, her behavior caused my students to laugh at me. FML

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By oldlady - 8/11/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, after a trip to my doctor I found out that my recent mood swings and hot flashes are the result of a hormonal imbalance that mimics the effects of menopause. I'm a 17 year old guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2013 22:15 - United States - Lehi

Today, my in-laws came for dinner. My 5-year-old son chose that as the perfect time to say, "Good girls always swallow!" when my daughter coughed up some of her food. I have no idea where he heard it, but my mother-in-law blamed me, and my wife had to convince her not to call CPS on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 05:37 - United States

Today, at a concert, my friend grew tired of holding her bag. She asked a man to hold it, saying that he wouldn't steal it "since it was hers". I quietly told her she was too naïve and irresponsible. After the concert, I got home and noticed my wallet was stolen instead, right out of my pocket. FML

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By Stinky and Single - 6/8/2015 23:14 - United States

Today, I was sitting in a secluded corner of a coffee shop and felt extremely gassy. Thinking I'd be safe, I let out a pretty nasty smelling fart. Next thing I know, a cute guy is approaching me and asked my name, but all it took was for him to inhale once and he bolted. FML

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By anonymous - 15/6/2019 02:25

Today, while I was walking along the sidewalk, someone passed by and said, "Tuck that nose in." FML

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By thatguy - 21/12/2009 00:20 - United States

Today, I bought a laptop so that I could have dirty video chats with my internet girlfriend. I got home only to find that the only place I can get a decent wifi signal is in front of my mom's room. FML

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By nobodywasthere - 29/11/2017 01:30

Today, I explained to my teacher that I wasn't at school yesterday due to three doctor appointments for my moderate epilepsy. Yesterday was senior skip day. She gave me detention for lying. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2014 17:24 - Germany - W?rzburg

Today, my mother kicked me out of the house because her new boyfriend needs my room. Evidently he also needs my credit card, passport, and wallet too, because she kept all three, while tossing everything else out on the lawn. FML

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By knee2tak - 14/3/2009 09:46 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend "we need to talk". He said "i know". So we met after school, and he said he was ok with me breaking up with him, that he wasn't that into me either. He said all that before I could tell him that my parents wanted to meet him. FML

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By negin - 22/3/2011 07:23

Today, my neighbors got a rooster. FML

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By greatly disturbed - 7/3/2015 19:09 - United States - Elk Grove

Today, my little sister complained about a young boy in her class always pulling her hair. She asked when boys will stop doing it. My mom replied, "They won't, even when they're grown-ups," then looked over at my dad and shared a dirty smirk. FML

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By r1has - 12/6/2016 02:58 - Pakistan - Islamabad

Today, while chopping green chilies, I accidentally rubbed my eyes. It currently feels like Satan pissed hellfire straight into my right eye. FML

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By YeahItsmecoolhuh - 17/2/2011 06:50 - United Arab Emirates

Today, I found a horde of ants in one of my socks when I put it on my foot. FML

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Top comments

By ciarafox9 | 9

#3188464 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:01

Why would he think that's a good idea?

By Midrash | 5

#3188472 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:03

Maybe he wanted to try something he saw on twilight

Comments

By bubblepaarty | 5

#3188447 - Saturday 27 August 2011 12:57

tht's disgusting . D:

maddy14 | 0

#3188522 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:13

Exactly

Valentina_Baby | 7

#3188639 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:36

That's hott xD

genesisnirvana | 11

#3188672 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:41

Flaming Lips

YoTengoTomatoes | 7

#3188697 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:46

it's not disgusting, it just sounds a bit painful.... like I dont think most guys would want their penis bit.

Steven696 | 6

#3188749 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:55

31- eh lightly or playfully is alright, just sucks when that person gets to into it and forgets how sensitive people are down there, then the pain begins

Sebastian_NG | 17

#3189339 - Saturday 27 August 2011 15:54

27
I luvs u

CleverBastard | 8

#3189921 - Saturday 27 August 2011 17:16

If he bites your lower lips, bite his lower head

ladiesman219 | 4

#3190759 - Saturday 27 August 2011 20:15

What are you gay?

kyarush | 10

#3191234 - Saturday 27 August 2011 22:38

Yummmm

luvvs_theatre132 | 0

#3192445 - Sunday 28 August 2011 3:38

Ok, well I LOVE being bit there...

somewizdom | 15

#3218768 - Friday 2 September 2011 1:35

Mouths have lips too?!!

therealtruman | 7

#5265718 - Thursday 20 December 2012 22:28

cept you stole that coal/diamonds from Ferris Bueller....shame on you. *s

By ciarafox9 | 9

#3188464 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:01

Why would he think that's a good idea?

EGORAPTOR | 7

#3188531 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:16

Because it's funny lol

ciarafox9 | 9

#3188622 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:34

I fail to see how this would be funny for either..

beerhead | 0

#3188694 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:45

Would it be funny if your gf bite your dick tip :/?

soiheardyoufaile | 4

#3189033 - Saturday 27 August 2011 15:13

Is it bad that I have a mental imagery of OP's boyfriend saying "omnomnomnom" while doing this?

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#3189076 - Saturday 27 August 2011 15:23

VAGINA

oops_im_fucked | 8

#3189877 - Saturday 27 August 2011 17:12

At least he didn't bite the lower lips and tear away...

h00l1gan | 5

#3189915 - Saturday 27 August 2011 17:15

Maybe he just nibbled on it? My ex used to really dig that and made me bite her through her pantys

tona01 | 16

#3190253 - Saturday 27 August 2011 18:22

That fml just made me do the stupid face all men do whenever we hear some guy got kicked in the nuts real hard
Seriously girls on fml, do some of you like that?

yajooo | 3

#3191817 - Sunday 28 August 2011 1:43

some times if ur gental :)

bizarre_ftw | 21

#3192673 - Sunday 28 August 2011 4:15

59 - yes but lol

tandem123 | 6

#3192823 - Sunday 28 August 2011 4:42

How has 11 not been buried with over -50?

EGORAPTOR | 7

#3193223 - Sunday 28 August 2011 5:56

It's my opinion and yea it would hurt but it's funny to the readers

megaaann_fml | 9

#3204498 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 10:28

30: Budget circumcision?

CcShh | 4

#4495355 - Tuesday 29 May 2012 14:51

Omnomnomnomnommm! Lmao!!!

By cudi504 | 4

#3188466 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:02

Maybe he was hoping you would get turned on by pain? Some people are into that yakno

tylersign | 11

#3188524 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:14

K, I know the picture isn't you. But what the fuck

tmmundy | 17

#3188590 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:28

just ignore the picture. thats what's he's trying to do. to see how many comments he gets about the stupid picture. actually he's making fun a the white boy.

BehindU | 5

#3190913 - Saturday 27 August 2011 21:09

Kinky?

bobsaggit | 3

#3191513 - Sunday 28 August 2011 0:14

Lol yakno

chelzy | 0

#3193935 - Sunday 28 August 2011 8:44

Dude, I'm into that, but if my girlfriend bit those lips, I would kick her. That shut hurts!!!

tylersign | 11

#3194521 - Sunday 28 August 2011 11:28

3, you deleted your picture. What wrong whichu!? It was hilarious.

BirdieCurls | 25

#5996937 - Friday 4 July 2014 0:46

I pronounced that yack-no over five times before I got that

By Midrash | 5

#3188472 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:03

Maybe he wanted to try something he saw on twilight

ninjaniki | 0

#3188538 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:16

a vampire loves his woman all month long.. ;)

megaaann_fml | 9

#3188877 - Saturday 27 August 2011 14:32

Yeah, a period doesn't last a whole month, dipshit.

thesunsetglow_fml | 8

#3188999 - Saturday 27 August 2011 15:05

12 is saying that the loving doesn't stop for the period. Therefore he loves her all month long, INCLUDING aunt Flow.

gchartier90 | 0

#3189001 - Saturday 27 August 2011 15:06

Idiot

ninjaniki | 0

#3189073 - Saturday 27 August 2011 15:23

fools look foolish trying to make others look like fools.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3189360 - Saturday 27 August 2011 15:55

60- That should be the slogan for this site, except a little more explicit lol. I love it when fools fail in such way.

chelseabitez | 0

#3189839 - Saturday 27 August 2011 17:05

Lmao!!!!!!!!!!!!

h00l1gan | 5

#3189935 - Saturday 27 August 2011 17:18

60-I pity the fool who tries to make other fools seem foolish even though they are not fools

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3190155 - Saturday 27 August 2011 18:04

Mistah T pityin' the foos!

By ninjaniki | 0

#3188477 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:04

some like it rough, some don't. You clearly don't.

Majstr | 23

#3188715 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:49

Exactly.

pixelebrate | 0

#3188803 - Saturday 27 August 2011 14:04

5- Your pic matches the comment.

craZgal321 | 6

#3189712 - Saturday 27 August 2011 16:45

i was judt gonna say tht

By kkmwong | 11

#3188493 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:09

Yay.

By borkchop1992 | 15

#3188526 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:14

he was eating out let him have his fun

borkchop1992 | 15

#3188547 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:17

fun*

leadman1989 | 15

#3189510 - Saturday 27 August 2011 16:15

Didn't his mother ever tell him not to play with his food?

yomommma | 6

#3203281 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 5:03

Some people are into that sorta thang.

By perdix | 29

#3188548 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:18

Someone's been watching too much porn. The sad part is that they don't give you instructions on how much pressure to apply to get the best results.

thesunsetglow_fml | 8

#3189004 - Saturday 27 August 2011 15:08

Does that make porn like Ikea instructions? It shows you pictures but doesn't tell you how to do it, resulting in a massive fuck up. Seen here.

joeiscool68 | 0

#3189815 - Saturday 27 August 2011 17:01

14 and 57 win! I literally lol'd

IndigoAcrylic | 9

#3193217 - Sunday 28 August 2011 5:55

I was the 69th person to thumbs you up (;

woosah | 16

#3194189 - Sunday 28 August 2011 9:44

Oh you were? @165.....

HomeAl0ne | 20

#3208282 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 1:31

Fucking Ikea.

When the guy who started that company dies, I so hope that his family and friends arrive at the funeral to find a flat pack coffin that they have to assemble before the ceremony can commence.