Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy if he bit me on...

By RainCl0ud - 27/8/2011 06:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy if he bit me on the lips. Normally, I would have enjoyed it, if the lips in question were the ones on my face. FML

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RainCl0ud tells us more :

OP here. This man is my husband now, and all these years later, he still tries to bite me every now and then. It doesn't happen often enough for me to discuss it with him and I don't want to embarrass him when it does happen. It doesn't hurt but I just don't enjoy it.

Intimacy

Family values

Thanks, I'm cured!

Property law

By Anonymous - 17/11/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, I got into a car accident. The other party left the scene immediately after without exchanging insurance information. Deer can be so rude. FML

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By wtf dad - 22/7/2020 23:00

Property law

Today, I asked my boyfriend, who’s a massage therapist, if he could help my mom with her chronic migraines by massaging her head and neck. My dad came home, saw them in the dimly lit room and knocked my boyfriend out cold for "touching his woman." My boyfriend dumped me and wants my dad arrested. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2014 01:29 - United States - Petaluma

Today, I'm a 34 year old male who just got given the sex talk on my Facebook timeline by my senile mother. 5ML

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By notsohandy - 3/1/2014 22:08 - Denmark - Hadsten

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend masturbating beside me. I asked if she needed a hand. She called me a pervert and now won't speak to me. FML

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By seaweedlady - 21/6/2011 14:49 - United States

Today, my mother tried to have a conversation with me. While she was taking a piss. With the bathroom door wide open. FML

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By Omegared - 14/4/2011 22:12 - United States

Today, I gave myself a bloody nose while trying to show my brother how to use a yo-yo. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2013 22:44 - Canada - Rosetown

Today, after making love to my boyfriend for the first time, he shook my hand and said, "Good job." FML

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By oopsbaby - 11/3/2020 18:00

HealthCare for all

Today, I found out that my girlfriend stopped getting her birth control weeks ago so she could afford a new Nintendo Switch. FML

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By Johnny - 19/12/2012 23:33 - United States - Memphis

Today, I sold some weights that were way too heavy for me on Craigslist. I felt okay with not being able to lift them when I saw the other man, who was a pretty buff dude; that is until of course he informed me he was buying them for his wife. FML

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By lovefool - 12/1/2011 10:58 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of a year dumped me by text. It's also the day that the birthday present I ordered for him was finally processed and shipped, meaning I can't cancel and get my money back. FML

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By nen_00 - 14/9/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, I realized the guy I've been hooking up with has a daughter who is a year younger than me. As if that wasn't bad enough, I also found out she had a child of her own. I've been hooking up with a grandpa. FML

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By Idon'thave£12000 - 6/5/2019 16:00

Could go either way, really

Today, I received a full scholarship to the university of my dreams in England. Being born into a fairly poor family, I've never received anything for free and I worked on my grades like a dog last semester to achieve this. However, the scholarship is only valid if the UK stays in the EU. FML

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By -1 Pair of Pants - 30/5/2016 19:49 - United States - Westborough

Today, I leaned over to pick something up and heard a loud "pop" from my waistline, followed by a "clink" on the other side of the room. My pants button had popped off my pants. Time to lose some weight. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2010 03:46 - United States

Today, I went to get my first tattoo. When I told the man that I wanted Tinkerbell on my lower back area. He snorted and told me that I was way too old to have Tinkerbell on me, and that Disney characters are only cute on people 35 and younger. I'm 23. FML

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By bs_happens - 11/1/2010 15:28 - United States

Today, I found out that a water pipe at my work had burst over the weekend. There is absolutely no water in the building, including the bathrooms. It's a 9 hour day, and I took a laxative this morning before I came in. FML

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By "nzfireman" - 4/9/2017 13:00

Today, while going into the fire station for a call out, I opened my locker door on our only available driver and knocked him out. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2009 15:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and his parents met my family. My grandpa thought it would be funny to walk around with a realistic gun and make references about being in the mafia. The rest of my family went along with it. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2018 05:00

Today, I went to the doctor because of the redness and swelling of my penis, hoping that it was just a minor rash or allergic reaction. Nope! According to the doctor, who could barely stop herself from laughing, it's good old-fashioned friction burns. FML

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By anonymous - 1/3/2013 15:52 - United States - La Grande

Today, I filled out an application for a job at Dairy Queen. I handed my application to the manager along with my résumé, and he said he'd be in contact with me. Not even five minutes after I left, a friend who works there sent me a picture of my crumpled-up application in the trash. FML

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By myself - 20/9/2012 07:00 - United States - Seaside

Today, my 2-year-old told me he found a new finger puppet. It was a used condom. FML

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By anonymous - 8/1/2015 19:10 - United States - Noblesville

Today, after getting into bed, I found a used condom under my covers. I asked my roommate about it. She freely admitted that since my bed was comfier than hers, she had sex with her boyfriend on it. FML

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By Anomaly - 3/3/2015 02:43 - United States - Trenton

Today, I saw a person in my class completing a project that was due two periods later and that they had just started in the bathroom. They got a better grade than me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2012 16:58 - United States - Deerfield Beach

Today, I woke up with a splitting headache. I have no idea what happened the night before, except for the fact that I'd tucked two uncapped vodka bottles into bed beside me, and now my room reeks of a Russian sorority house. FML

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By Gabi - 20/2/2012 14:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend would rather jerk off than have sex with me. Even if I'm next to him in bed. FML

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By saddude - 4/3/2009 07:03 - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. Being the stud that I am, after a short time I turned to her and said "You think you're ready for a round two?" She replied "No, but I do think I'm ready for the rest of round one." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2013 16:08 - United States - Arlington

Today, I realized that the smell of chlorine has started to turn me on, probably because my girlfriend has an indoor pool in her house. Guess who works as a swim instructor. FML

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By Darcy - 26/10/2011 06:58 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. He passionately laid me down onto the bed, both of us fully naked. Pressing down on my shoulder, he ended up dislocating it. The pain made me pee myself. FML

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By I tried - 9/4/2020 17:00

Lockdown is driving us down

Today, my husband went on a tirade, accusing me of bullying and being too hard on our kids. Apparently, I’m taking this homeschool thing too serious, and I need to cut them a break. All I did was make them write their letters and numbers on paper instead of just using their tablets. Yeah, real mean. FML

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By Notthekeytosuccess - 12/4/2017 00:00

Today, I broke my key unlocking my dorm room. When I pushed the door open in frustration, the door opened with no problem. Turns out it was unlocked. FML

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By Danny - 28/5/2012 18:02 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I realised that my body has its own masturbation cycle; while I was out shopping, I heard the intro music to my room-mate's favourite video game, and popped an uncontrollable boner. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2012 20:30 - United States

Today, I got a new pair of glasses, and was driving home. While waiting at a stop sign, I noticed a homeless guy touching himself. He saw me, smiled and waved, and then continued. So much for my new eyesight. FML

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By OhGreat - 30/4/2011 20:30 - United States

Today, my dad went through my room while I was out and threw away the "inappropriate pictures" that he found. They're the nudes I've been working on for art class. FML

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By DrugsRX - 17/10/2012 22:58 - United States - Winder

Today, for the second day in a row, I was constantly abused, yelled at, insulted, and berated by my wife for "endangering our child's life." I took her to the doctor for a vaccination and flu shot yesterday. FML

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By mwja - 26/2/2011 22:59 - France

Today, thanks to a particularly spicy bowl of noodles, my nose decided it would rather be a fountain. A fountain of blood. FML

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By Shauna - 10/11/2012 09:02 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, it was my birthday. I finally got the PS3 I've been asking for, for a long time. When I opened the box, I didn't find a PS3, but a bunch of clothes that my mom put in my brother's PS3 box. FML

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By yayibs - 4/12/2015 03:21 - United States - Williamstown

Today, while working at my desk alone and with my headphones in, I suddenly let loose a loud stream of gas. As I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, I saw, in the reflection of my laptop, that my roommate had been sitting silently on the couch right behind me. FML

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By FYLyfer - 26/10/2009 21:34 - United States

Today, while at Wendy's with my boyfriend, I realized that he made more pleasure sounds when eating his Baconator than he did while sleeping with me. FML

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By Anon - 14/8/2016 10:58 - United States - Tracy

Today, a cute guy came up to me and asked for my phone number. I was super excited and began to write it down when he said, "It doesn't have to be your real number, I'm not gonna call anyway." I still gave him my real number. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was on a first date with this girl I've been talking to. I met her and she came with me so I could park my car in the student lot. On the way back, I saw a beat up car with its window duct taped up and exclaimed "Haha! Look at that piece of junk." It was her car. FML

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By Gjkashldf - 4/5/2009 00:36 - United States

Today, I was at the gym and I saw a really cute guy working out nearby. I tried to get his attention by taking off my shirt and smiling at him. When he walked over to me, instead of asking for my number, he just said "Can you please put that back on? Thanks". FML

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Top comments

By ciarafox9 | 9

#3188464 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:01

Why would he think that's a good idea?

By Midrash | 5

#3188472 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:03

Maybe he wanted to try something he saw on twilight

COMMENTS

By bubblepaarty | 5

#3188447 - Saturday 27 August 2011 12:57

tht's disgusting . D:

maddy14 | 0

#3188522 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:13

Exactly

Valentina_Baby | 7

#3188639 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:36

That's hott xD

genesisnirvana | 11

#3188672 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:41

Flaming Lips

YoTengoTomatoes | 7

#3188697 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:46

it's not disgusting, it just sounds a bit painful.... like I dont think most guys would want their penis bit.

Steven696 | 6

#3188749 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:55

31- eh lightly or playfully is alright, just sucks when that person gets to into it and forgets how sensitive people are down there, then the pain begins

Sebastian_NG | 17

#3189339 - Saturday 27 August 2011 15:54

27
I luvs u

CleverBastard | 8

#3189921 - Saturday 27 August 2011 17:16

If he bites your lower lips, bite his lower head

ladiesman219 | 4

#3190759 - Saturday 27 August 2011 20:15

What are you gay?

kyarush | 10

#3191234 - Saturday 27 August 2011 22:38

Yummmm

luvvs_theatre132 | 0

#3192445 - Sunday 28 August 2011 3:38

Ok, well I LOVE being bit there...

somewizdom | 15

#3218768 - Friday 2 September 2011 1:35

Mouths have lips too?!!

therealtruman | 7

#5265718 - Thursday 20 December 2012 22:28

cept you stole that coal/diamonds from Ferris Bueller....shame on you. *s

By ciarafox9 | 9

#3188464 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:01

Why would he think that's a good idea?

EGORAPTOR | 7

#3188531 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:16

Because it's funny lol

ciarafox9 | 9

#3188622 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:34

I fail to see how this would be funny for either..

beerhead | 0

#3188694 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:45

Would it be funny if your gf bite your dick tip :/?

soiheardyoufaile | 4

#3189033 - Saturday 27 August 2011 15:13

Is it bad that I have a mental imagery of OP's boyfriend saying "omnomnomnom" while doing this?

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#3189076 - Saturday 27 August 2011 15:23

VAGINA

oops_im_fucked | 8

#3189877 - Saturday 27 August 2011 17:12

At least he didn't bite the lower lips and tear away...

h00l1gan | 5

#3189915 - Saturday 27 August 2011 17:15

Maybe he just nibbled on it? My ex used to really dig that and made me bite her through her pantys

tona01 | 16

#3190253 - Saturday 27 August 2011 18:22

That fml just made me do the stupid face all men do whenever we hear some guy got kicked in the nuts real hard
Seriously girls on fml, do some of you like that?

yajooo | 3

#3191817 - Sunday 28 August 2011 1:43

some times if ur gental :)

bizarre_ftw | 21

#3192673 - Sunday 28 August 2011 4:15

59 - yes but lol

tandem123 | 6

#3192823 - Sunday 28 August 2011 4:42

How has 11 not been buried with over -50?

EGORAPTOR | 7

#3193223 - Sunday 28 August 2011 5:56

It's my opinion and yea it would hurt but it's funny to the readers

megaaann_fml | 9

#3204498 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 10:28

30: Budget circumcision?

CcShh | 4

#4495355 - Tuesday 29 May 2012 14:51

Omnomnomnomnommm! Lmao!!!

By cudi504 | 4

#3188466 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:02

Maybe he was hoping you would get turned on by pain? Some people are into that yakno

tylersign | 11

#3188524 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:14

K, I know the picture isn't you. But what the fuck

tmmundy | 17

#3188590 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:28

just ignore the picture. thats what's he's trying to do. to see how many comments he gets about the stupid picture. actually he's making fun a the white boy.

BehindU | 5

#3190913 - Saturday 27 August 2011 21:09

Kinky?

bobsaggit | 3

#3191513 - Sunday 28 August 2011 0:14

Lol yakno

chelzy | 0

#3193935 - Sunday 28 August 2011 8:44

Dude, I'm into that, but if my girlfriend bit those lips, I would kick her. That shut hurts!!!

tylersign | 11

#3194521 - Sunday 28 August 2011 11:28

3, you deleted your picture. What wrong whichu!? It was hilarious.

BirdieCurls | 25

#5996937 - Friday 4 July 2014 0:46

I pronounced that yack-no over five times before I got that

By Midrash | 5

#3188472 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:03

Maybe he wanted to try something he saw on twilight

ninjaniki | 0

#3188538 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:16

a vampire loves his woman all month long.. ;)

megaaann_fml | 9

#3188877 - Saturday 27 August 2011 14:32

Yeah, a period doesn't last a whole month, dipshit.

thesunsetglow_fml | 8

#3188999 - Saturday 27 August 2011 15:05

12 is saying that the loving doesn't stop for the period. Therefore he loves her all month long, INCLUDING aunt Flow.

gchartier90 | 0

#3189001 - Saturday 27 August 2011 15:06

Idiot

ninjaniki | 0

#3189073 - Saturday 27 August 2011 15:23

fools look foolish trying to make others look like fools.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3189360 - Saturday 27 August 2011 15:55

60- That should be the slogan for this site, except a little more explicit lol. I love it when fools fail in such way.

chelseabitez | 0

#3189839 - Saturday 27 August 2011 17:05

Lmao!!!!!!!!!!!!

h00l1gan | 5

#3189935 - Saturday 27 August 2011 17:18

60-I pity the fool who tries to make other fools seem foolish even though they are not fools

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3190155 - Saturday 27 August 2011 18:04

Mistah T pityin' the foos!

By ninjaniki | 0

#3188477 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:04

some like it rough, some don't. You clearly don't.

Majstr | 23

#3188715 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:49

Exactly.

pixelebrate | 0

#3188803 - Saturday 27 August 2011 14:04

5- Your pic matches the comment.

craZgal321 | 6

#3189712 - Saturday 27 August 2011 16:45

i was judt gonna say tht

By kkmwong | 11

#3188493 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:09

Yay.

By borkchop1992 | 15

#3188526 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:14

he was eating out let him have his fun

borkchop1992 | 15

#3188547 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:17

fun*

leadman1989 | 15

#3189510 - Saturday 27 August 2011 16:15

Didn't his mother ever tell him not to play with his food?

yomommma | 6

#3203281 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 5:03

Some people are into that sorta thang.

By perdix | 29

#3188548 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:18

Someone's been watching too much porn. The sad part is that they don't give you instructions on how much pressure to apply to get the best results.

thesunsetglow_fml | 8

#3189004 - Saturday 27 August 2011 15:08

Does that make porn like Ikea instructions? It shows you pictures but doesn't tell you how to do it, resulting in a massive fuck up. Seen here.

joeiscool68 | 0

#3189815 - Saturday 27 August 2011 17:01

14 and 57 win! I literally lol'd

IndigoAcrylic | 9

#3193217 - Sunday 28 August 2011 5:55

I was the 69th person to thumbs you up (;

woosah | 16

#3194189 - Sunday 28 August 2011 9:44

Oh you were? @165.....

HomeAl0ne | 20

#3208282 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 1:31

Fucking Ikea.

When the guy who started that company dies, I so hope that his family and friends arrive at the funeral to find a flat pack coffin that they have to assemble before the ceremony can commence.