Love: Today, I was collecting on a bet I had with a buddy on a sports...

By MichiganExile - United States

Today, I was collecting on a bet I had with a buddy on a sports game. He owed me lunch. I have a huge crush on the waitress and told him. She asked if we wanted the checks split and he said, "No, my boyfriend doesn't have any money." FML

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Love

*Friends theme music plays*

NRA fanboy

Ideal first date

By really - United States

Today, my parents told me they don't think I'll ever find a boyfriend, and insist on referring to my future cats as their "grandkids". FML

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By FML - United States

Today, I came to work ready to impress my boss. A couple of weeks ago I asked him for a promotion from stock to sales and I have been proving myself worthy. Turns out he hired a new girl for sales, with great, big, fake breasts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. Everything was going great until I noticed a small blinking light on my shelf. It turns out that it was a camera. My mom put it there to make sure I cleaned my room. She saw the whole thing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend kept pressuring me to get it on. I told him I was self-conscious abut my stomach and didn't want him to see it. His response? My double chin doesn't keep him from kissing me. FML

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By fire - United States

Today, I interviewed for a full scholarship to college. In the interview I said that I was excited about the new dean because I think she’ll be able to really make improvements and bring the school back to where it used to be. After the interview, I learned my interviewer was the former dean. FML

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By lola1313 - United States - Downers Grove

Today, I forgot my blind date's name 3 times during our conversation. FML

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By scottyboy

Today, I started packing up the flat I have been renting. As I took a picture off the wall I also ripped half the wallpaper. That's my deposit gone. FML

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By Cam - United Kingdom - Holsworthy

Today, I photoshopped a picture for my Facebook profile so my stomach would look a little flatter. I came back later, only to find someone had said, "What in God's name is this? Is your belly duck-facing?" and half a dozen other insults. FML

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By crazyjohnny - United States

Today, I had a really big debate in my English Class about the legalization of weed. My group had to state reasons why weed shouldn't be legal and no one except me had prepared. My partner came to class totally stoned. Our group lost the debate. We got a F. FML

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By PainStressLife - United States - Dublin

Today, I went to an over-crowded grocery store. As I reached the front of a long line, I noticed that a cart had been abandoned in everybody's way. Trying to be helpful, I moved it to the side. An enormous woman then shoved me and yelled at me for "pushing her property around." FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I got the worst sunburn I've ever had in my life, and then discovered I'm allergic to aloe when I went to treat the burn with some gel. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ridge

Today, my wife complained that the coffee grounds I swept into the sink grossed her out. Yesterday, I removed several panty-liners from her soiled underwear before doing the laundry. FML

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By leogs23 - 15/11/2020 10:58

Time for a change

Today, I was in bed with my girlfriend and she asked to see my phone to check my Snapchat to see what was in there. After she was done with it, she start looking into her phone to see her memories and started crying over her ex-boyfriend. FML

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By Ouch - United States - Charlotte

Today, I was at a professional tennis match. The ball was hit extremely hard, resulting in it going into the crowd. And when I say crowd, I mean my face. FML

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By Tejanoswhy

Today, I found out why my history grade is so low: the kid in front of me takes my homework, writes his name on it, and passes it off as his own. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my son walked in on me masturbating. Now, whenever I don't do whatever he wants, he blackmails me. FML

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By Prometheus - United States

Today, a co-worker and I walked out of our office at the same time. He got in his car, which was parked right out front. I asked him what I had to do to get a sweet parking spot like that. He rolled up his pant leg and show me his prosthesis. He was in the handicapped spot. FML

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By stachattack

Today, I reassured everyone at work that the mark on my lip was just a pimple, not a cold sore. It's actually neither. I, a 21-year-old young woman, slipped while shaving my moustache and sliced off part of my lip. FML

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By Desperate_measures - Greece

Today, I got a text from my crush. In my clumsy attempt to quickly grab the phone, I knocked it off the kitchen counter and cracked the screen. After driving to my friends house so I could put my sim card in her phone, I saw that the text said "who's this? stop texting me." FML

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By rattlingfloorboards - United States

Today, a Karate dojo opened under my apartment. It's like living in a Bruce Lee movie. FML

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By Bridget

Today, on to the bus home from school, I sat next to a guy that I ride with every day, but don't know well. He looked at me and said, "Hey, I know this girl named Bridget who looks just like you, but a lot more pale. She's really weird." I'm Bridget. I just got a tan. FML

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By Shropintz - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to move out. Excited, thinking he wanted us to move out from his mom's house, I said, "Yeah! Just you and me?" to which he smirked and replied, "No, just you." FML

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By Rotarius - Canada - Toronto

Today, instead of staying home, I took an hour-long bus ride in the middle of the night to my girlfriend's place because on the phone she said, "I desperately need your body right now". It turned out she was just cold. She is also on her period. FML

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By Soggy Sophia - United Kingdom - Bristol

Welcome back

Today, I went for my daily post-op doctor's appointment, where I was told I can resume normal activities. Which was handy when I came home to half-an-inch of water throughout my apartment, due to my washing machine drainage pipe coming undone while I was gone. FML

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By Emily - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, my friend posted my phone number all over the Internet, claiming I was a deranged stalker who prank called her. I was calling from my new number to give it to her. FML

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By bananaface - United States

Today, I stood in line for one hour to get a new phone. It then took me 2 minutes to drop it and shatter the screen, and 2 seconds for the employee to look at, laugh, and tell me, "That Sucks." FML

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By Bobby

Today, I went to a bone and joint specialist because of excruciating back pain. Before the examination, the doctor told me that the possible reasons for the pain could be arthritis, sciatica, or scoliosis. After the examination, I found out that I have all three. FML

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By E.B. - United States - Grenada

Major annoyance

Today, I'm a college student working at Dollar Tree. The signs hanging every 10 ft, plastered on every box, every wall, every corner, say "Everything's $1." Someone asked me how much something was, because there was no price tag. This happens multiple times a day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my grandma to the hospital to visit her estranged husband who she hasn't seen in years. After a thoroughly disasterous visit, we're waiting in the carpark and my gran strokes my face and tells me I have a lot of facial hair. I thought she was going to thank me. And I'm a girl. FML

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By sandiego - United States

Today, while eating at an outdoor café, a man on the street came up to me and said, "My girlfriend is sexier than you, bitch." Thanks for the confidence boost. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Waunakee

Today, at work a lady asked for a burrito, large coke, and hot sauce. While repeating back the order, the words got stuck and I accidentally said large cock. I got written up for being inappropriate. FML

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By emmingle - Canada - Burnaby

Today, I discovered that the "dish soap" my sister uses to clean our dishes when it's her turn, is actually a semi-toxic floor cleaner. FML

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By iStoleTheBrownie

Paparazzi

Today, my friend asked me to send her a picture of my crush. I've never talked to him so I had to take the picture without him knowing. My flash was on. FML

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By DEE

Out of the mouth of babes...

Today, while I was getting ready for the day, my 5-year-old daughter looked at me and said, "Mom, maybe you should do some gymnastics today. Your legs look bigger." FML

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By gottapee - United States

Today, I stepped outdoors for a minute. The wind blew the door shut, locking me outside. I've spent the last two hours pounding frantically on the windows, trying to wake my 4 year old son who is inside. I can see him sleeping soundly on the couch. FML

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By IneedMaury - United States - Lowell

Today, the girl who broke up with me and disappeared 6 years ago wished me a happy Father's Day. FML

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By Zora - Norway - Bergen

Today, while shopping, my six-year-old son threw a tantrum because I wouldn't buy him a video game. I ended up having to grab his arm and leave the store. He screamed that I was kidnapping him, at which point I was socked in the face and pinned to the floor by three bystanders. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2021 08:02 - Germany

Anxiety

Today, and for the last 5 days, I’ve been waking up between 5:30 and 6:30 a.m. Perfect time to get into work early, right? Except I’ve been unemployed for months and the one thing I’m trying to work on is my lack of sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Noblesville

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head on the living room couch. Apparently his two cats didn't approve, and they started attacking my face. Luckily for him, since my boyfriend was holding my head down, his privates didn't get a scratch. FML

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By Don'tjudgeabook

Today, a man reminded me five times how much of a "nice guy" he was during our first conversation, saying also that I seem the sort to date the "bad guys" because I looked sweet and innocent. Then, without waiting for me to say something, he sighed and walked away, muttering that he always finished last. FML

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Top comments

By TryToBeKind | 0

#1003 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 5:47

I'm sorry but that's funny. You can still convince her you're not gay, though, and just tell her he was kidding around. At least it'll be a conversation starter.

By thehazeman | 0

#757 - Monday 9 February 2009 2:13

at least you got some free food

COMMENTS

By thehazeman | 0

#757 - Monday 9 February 2009 2:13

at least you got some free food

MeanBeagle | 22

#6112756 - Friday 7 November 2014 19:22

he paid for that one.

MeanBeagle | 22

#6112758 - Friday 7 November 2014 19:23

i would have immediately ordered dessert

MeanBeagle | 22

#6112761 - Friday 7 November 2014 19:24

she will feel 100% comfortable changing in front of you now.

MeanBeagle | 22

#6112763 - Friday 7 November 2014 19:25

Omfg how do you get the take it to heart badge!

MeanBeagle | 22

#6112769 - Friday 7 November 2014 19:26

there should be a hide and seek game where someone hits random. leaves a comment and everyone tries to find it. first one that does wins a million dollars.

By lemonkid44 | 0

#987 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 4:57

haha just say "ok jokester" or some shit. just play it off. its not that bad at all

danielr1219 | 0

#1636089 - Monday 1 November 2010 19:07

today while working a shift at my resteraunt, this guy i really like came in, but it turns out hes gay. FML

DigitalFusion | 4

#3170207 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 3:33

Nobody under 50 says jokester. If op is over 50 and still trying to pick up waitresses fhl.

By TryToBeKind | 0

#1003 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 5:47

I'm sorry but that's funny. You can still convince her you're not gay, though, and just tell her he was kidding around. At least it'll be a conversation starter.

By captcool024 | 0

#1820 - Friday 13 February 2009 8:33

i do that all the time.. please give your friend a high five for the perfect situation though. haha..

By mechwarrior | 0

#1900 - Friday 13 February 2009 17:48

I would have gone along with the joke. No sense in letting a good joke die young.

By necomni | 0

#3838 - Thursday 19 February 2009 6:33

Nice! I'd high-five your buddy. ;D

By Gio_fml | 6

#5756 - Monday 23 February 2009 9:17

IT'S CAPTAAAAAIN COCKBLOCKERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By may_cause_fail | 0

#20260 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:26

XD
I love your friend. :D

By Lanni | 0

#36004 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 1:27

LMAO sooo great

By 91Caleb | 0

#42269 - Thursday 19 March 2009 6:59

your friend is a genious, thats quick