Love: Today, I was collecting on a bet I had with a buddy on a sports...

By MichiganExile - United States

Today, I was collecting on a bet I had with a buddy on a sports game. He owed me lunch. I have a huge crush on the waitress and told him. She asked if we wanted the checks split and he said, "No, my boyfriend doesn't have any money." FML

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Love

Social distancing done right

Reverse psychology

Fake News

By WhereforeArtThouJustice - Portugal

Today, one of my classmates asked the teacher to postpone her presentation because she had to study and the teacher happily agreed. When I approached her, the teacher started yelling at me because postponing deadlines is irresponsible. I just wanted to make sure we didn't need to bring our book. FML

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By Anon - Ireland - Cork

Today, I found out my boyfriend uses a period tracker app to find out when we can fuck. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife stopped halfway through a blowjob to check a notification on her phone for a game. FML

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By Anonymous - Guatemala - Guatemala City

Today, I was sending some dirty texts to my boyfriend, when I heard a knocking sound coming through the wall. I sat there for ten minutes before I realized I was listening to my mom and her boyfriend having sex. FML

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By smidge - United States

Today, I got a call from an ad agency offering me a job. I was so excited, because I've been looking for work for a few months now and really wanted to work for them. An hour later, they called apologizing, because they'd made a mistake and offered the job to the wrong person. FML

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By sleepy momma - United States - Altoona

Today, after buying 3 new alarm clocks, I finally decided to video tape myself all night to figure out if my alarm clock was broken or if I was oversleeping. Turns out I wake up around 4am each day and turn them off without remembering. FML

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By Grinch

Today, it's Xmas Eve, and my partner's quick afternoon catch-up with his friends has turned into 5 messy drunks in our house at 1am. So it's no to the "us" time evening we had planned before spending tomorrow with our families who live over 3 hours away. Guess who had promised to drive and now can't? FML

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By sleepingonmydesk - United Kingdom - Longfield

Today, after not being able to sleep for two hours because my boyfriend wouldn't stop talking, he fell asleep and I was left wide awake. I listened to him snore for another three hours and only got a couple of hours sleep. He's not working today, but I am. FML

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By Apple - United States

Today, I was at my friend's house, and I asked if I could try on one of her dresses. It was a little snug, but I got it on. When it came time to take it off though, it wouldn't budge. My friend and her mom had to cut it off me. FML

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By Ryan - France

Today, I cut my finger at work while chopping some vegetables. I grabbed the nearest rag I could to stop the bleeding and put it on the cut. I didn't know the rag had just been used to clean up a lemon juice spill. FML

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By angrymother

Today, I caught my 20 year old daughter having sex with my best friend's husband. Apparently it's my fault for coming home early. FML

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By alainopotato - United States - San Diego

Today, I woke up in a bathtub, completely soaked and covered in both mine and someone else's puke. Happy New Year. FML

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By stillkindahorny - United States

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been seeing. It took him longer to put the condom on than it did to finish. FML

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By angry - Australia

Today, I went camping with my husband. We drove 11 hours to his favourite site before he remembered he didn't put the tent in the car. FML

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By soannoyed - United States

Today, my brother decided it would be funny for almost every sentence out of his mouth to start with the word "hashtag". FML

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By Hungryman - France

Today, I ordered a Diet Coke with my meal from a fast food restaurant. Turns out, they didn't give me diet. My blood sugar spiked and I was sick for hours later. I'm a diabetic. FML

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By fuck - Netherlands

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms. I couldn't find them anywhere, so I nervously asked a staff member for help. She scowled, pointed at the shelf directly behind me, and told me to "Get a life. Or better pickup lines." I'll never live down the snickers from the other customers. FML

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By LondonKitsch - United States

Today, I finally got into a yoga class with the instructor I've been crushing on for 2 years. As he walked closer to greet me, I lifted my leg over my head into a full split, and queefed obnoxiously loud. He responded with his gag reflex. FML

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By evanescence - United States

Today, the hottest girl in the entire freshman class was telling her friend she was going to Florida for spring break. She said she would be in the same city I would and I couldnt help but say, "Oh, cool! Maybe I'll see you there!" She simply looked at me and said, "I hope not." FML

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By JB - United States - Somerset

Today, while my husband and I were arguing, he walked away in the middle of my sentence yelling, "Remember babe, you're only my current wife!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving in the left lane and was suddenly hit by a woman who was in the right lane. I ran off the road, taking out a fence and totaling my car. When the cops asked the woman what happened she responded, "My tom-tom told me to turn left." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Miami

Today, after having recently told my 4-year-old daughter that she won't grow big and tall if she doesn't eat her veggies, she decided to pass this wisdom on to a midget that we passed in the store. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my mother-in-law told my husband that I cannot stay in her house unless I can bring proof from a doctor that my allergy to cats is not contagious. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, the cockroach infestation at my house has gotten so bad that I can now tell the difference between male and female cockroaches. FML

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By xswitch74 - United Kingdom

Today, my ex called me up to suggest that we become friends, only so that she could introduce me to her new boyfriend. FML

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By SleeplessinNJ - 20/10/2020 17:02 - United States - Raritan

Kick the bum out

Today, after spending money on all the furniture and decor in our apartment, paying rent every month from my bank account, paying for all the groceries, and paying for all the dog supplies, my fiance asked why I don't keep saving thousands of dollars every month, while he pays for none of it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Palmdale

Today, my boyfriend of several years, and father of our one-year-old child, finally proposed. He was making idle conversation from twenty feet away and casually said, "By the way, you wanna get hitched?" This is as romantic as my life will ever get. Yay. FML

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By thepigeonsfriend - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally kicked a can and it hit a man's shoe. He tried to kick it at me but his foot somehow failed to connect with the can. I could hear it rattling behind me as he failed again and again. So he decided to run up behind me and throw it at my head. FML

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By Potato_Lord - United States - Madison

Today, not only did someone steal my bike, they also managed to get wasted and drunkenly ride my stolen bike through my new screened-in front porch, destroying it and the bike. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2020 05:01

Collateral damage

Today, my sweet, nonviolent boyfriend found out my daughter's asshole boyfriend had hit her, so he rugby-tackled him so hard, it ripped the door right out of the frame and into the garden. I never knew he had it in him, so I'm proud, but now we've got to fix the door. FML

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By duncan74 - France - Balma

Today, my cats found a new game to play. They each sit on either side of the cat flap, and take turns hitting it. Clack, clack. Clack, clack. At 3 am. Clack, clack. Clack, clack. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my electricity went out. The electric company said it was because the bill was at least 4 months overdue. Apparently, I have been paying for my roommate to go out and party for weeks. FML

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By SickSmick - United Kingdom

Today, I have the flu, food poisoning and I'm on my period. I have enough liquids pouring out of me from various holes to satisfy a sewer. FML

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By jami898 - United States - Medford

Today, I passed out. I fell to the hardwood floor, cut my chin, and bit through my lip. Fortunately, my brother was there to help stop the bleeding and get me some water. All I had to do was wait until he finished his game of Call of Duty. FML

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By laststand11 - United States - Lexington

Today, I had to explain to my 15-year-old son why it wouldn't be a good idea to include a picture of the red Power Ranger in his "Weapons throughout history" project. FML

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By MissMSE - Canada

Today, my friends took my phone and changed all the contact's names to characters from Harry Potter. I have over a hundred contacts and no idea who I'm talking to. I've been texting Draco Malfoy for 4 hours now. FML

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By Jane - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I confronted my 18-year-old daughter about her excessively lengthy showers. She said she didn't see the big deal, considering the water "comes free with the house." No dear, it doesn't. FML

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By can't shut my mouth - United States - Houston

Manage your way out of that one

Today, after a string of crappy employees had come and gone over the month, I was joking to my manager that maybe we should move the "Now Hiring" sign further away from the trash can so we'd stop getting garbage hires. The new girl was right behind me. I'll be her trainer all week. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my bus got held up in traffic, so I arrived home about 15 minutes late. My mum bitched me out, accused me of sleeping around, and grounded me. All this while my brother raged at his video game in the other room, screaming stuff such as "EAT SHIT, YOU CUNTS!" with total impunity. FML

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By WTF - United States - Plainfield

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She later put on Facebook that, "Today was a great day!" FML

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Top comments

By TryToBeKind | 0

#1003 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 5:47

I'm sorry but that's funny. You can still convince her you're not gay, though, and just tell her he was kidding around. At least it'll be a conversation starter.

By thehazeman | 0

#757 - Monday 9 February 2009 2:13

at least you got some free food

COMMENTS

By thehazeman | 0

#757 - Monday 9 February 2009 2:13

at least you got some free food

MeanBeagle | 22

#6112756 - Friday 7 November 2014 19:22

he paid for that one.

MeanBeagle | 22

#6112758 - Friday 7 November 2014 19:23

i would have immediately ordered dessert

MeanBeagle | 22

#6112761 - Friday 7 November 2014 19:24

she will feel 100% comfortable changing in front of you now.

MeanBeagle | 22

#6112763 - Friday 7 November 2014 19:25

Omfg how do you get the take it to heart badge!

MeanBeagle | 22

#6112769 - Friday 7 November 2014 19:26

there should be a hide and seek game where someone hits random. leaves a comment and everyone tries to find it. first one that does wins a million dollars.

By lemonkid44 | 0

#987 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 4:57

haha just say "ok jokester" or some shit. just play it off. its not that bad at all

danielr1219 | 0

#1636089 - Monday 1 November 2010 19:07

today while working a shift at my resteraunt, this guy i really like came in, but it turns out hes gay. FML

DigitalFusion | 4

#3170207 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 3:33

Nobody under 50 says jokester. If op is over 50 and still trying to pick up waitresses fhl.

By TryToBeKind | 0

#1003 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 5:47

I'm sorry but that's funny. You can still convince her you're not gay, though, and just tell her he was kidding around. At least it'll be a conversation starter.

By captcool024 | 0

#1820 - Friday 13 February 2009 8:33

i do that all the time.. please give your friend a high five for the perfect situation though. haha..

By mechwarrior | 0

#1900 - Friday 13 February 2009 17:48

I would have gone along with the joke. No sense in letting a good joke die young.

By necomni | 0

#3838 - Thursday 19 February 2009 6:33

Nice! I'd high-five your buddy. ;D

By Gio_fml | 6

#5756 - Monday 23 February 2009 9:17

IT'S CAPTAAAAAIN COCKBLOCKERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By may_cause_fail | 0

#20260 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:26

XD
I love your friend. :D

By Lanni | 0

#36004 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 1:27

LMAO sooo great

By 91Caleb | 0

#42269 - Thursday 19 March 2009 6:59

your friend is a genious, thats quick