Work: Today, I was at my retail job and we had to change the mannequin's...

By imaginationdarling - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was at my retail job and we had to change the mannequin's outfit. I had to hold her while my manager grabbed the new outfit. I rested my head on her naked plastic chest, and it was the closest I've got to affection in years. FML

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Work

Serious times

Late term

The smell detective is on the case

By anonymous

Today, my girlfriend called me and asked me if I wanted to have phone sex with her. We got into it. It took us 13 minutes to figure out my mom had been on the other line the whole time. FML

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By Nutty

Today, my girlfriend refused to have sex with me, because my underwear are Fruit of the Loom instead of Hanes. According to her, since all real men wear Hanes, I'm unfit to have sex with her because I wear Fruit of the Loom and am therefore not a man. FML

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By fish killer - United States

Today, my sister presented me with an "official pet killer" award after yet another goldfish under my care died of unknown causes. FML

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27684

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2020 05:01

With friends like these…

Today, I told my “best friend” that I'd tested positive for COVID-19. She told me to “chill”. Ten years of friendship and she didn’t even ask if I was OK. FML

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1027

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met my brother for the first time in 20 years. Everything was going great, until he tried to make out with me. FML

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49684

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By brother love - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that the guy I like was only coming to my house to get closer to my brother. FML

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38637

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By GopherJR - Canada

Today, I convinced myself I needed to get over my ex-girlfriend. I spent twenty minutes signing up for a new dating site, only to find out, that the only other profile on the site of a person within 200 km, is my ex-girlfriend. FML

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By tallwoman - Denmark

Today, I was at a concert. During the concert, my shoelaces went undone, so I bent down to tie them. Not two seconds later, the girl behind me jumped on my shoulders and refused to get down. She said "tall guys" are the best to ride on during concerts. My name is Maria. FML

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By Bobby The Baker

Today, a cockroach flew towards me, and out of panic I dropped my car keys in the sewer. Not only did I lose my keys, but the cake I made for a client is stuck inside the car. It's for a wedding, and they're arriving in the reception area in a few minutes. FML

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By Anony Mous - United States

Today, my boyfriend moved. I found out when I went over to surprise him with take-out food and he was pulling out of the driveway. He flipped me off as he drove past. FML

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By Tired - United States

Today, I walked into an exam after having stayed up 20 straight hours studying. The professor looked at me and muttered, "Don't bother, I'm failing you either way." FML

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By KC - United States

Today, the priest was handing out red roses after church. The woman ahead of me asked for a rose. The priest said, "Sorry, we are only giving them out to single women since they didn't get any for Valentine's Day." Then he hands one to me. This was the first time I have been to that church. FML

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By rawrrrr - United States

Awkward

Today, after a fire alarm went off, everyone was going back into the building. I had never gone up the stairs before because I live on the 9th floor. As everybody was going back inside, I followed some guys right into their suite on the 1st floor, thinking it was the way to the stairs. FML

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By IHateBagels - United States

Today, I was cutting a bagel, only to slice the back of my hand with the knife. As I grabbed paper towels to clean up the blood, I noticed that the bagel was pre-sliced. FML

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By LoveBytes - Canada - Victoria

Today, I emailed my crush an anonymous love letter. It wasn't until twenty minutes later that I realized that the email address I used contained my full name. FML

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By Ray - 31/12/2020 16:58

Anticlimactic

Today, my boyfriend told me I'm the best lay of his life. I really wish I could say the same about him. FML

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By wurtabang - United States

Today, I was at one of the urinals in a bathroom. A chubby kid goes to the urinal next to mine and starts peeing violently. Apparently, he was peeing so violently that it splashed onto my legs the whole time. I've picked the wrong day to wear shorts. FML

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30366

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By Anonymous - United States - Barrington

Today, I decided to try wearing eyeshadow, even though I'm not that girly. When I asked for help after several failed attempts, my sister walked in and said, "It's easy, just do what I do." She put the makeup on herself and looked amazing. She's eight. FML

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By CD - United States

Today, my mom explained the benefits of douching to me with my boyfriend right there. He began arguing with her about how the vagina is usually self-cleaning. FML

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By Alaska - United States

Today, I was taking a poop when I heard a window in my house break. Then, I heard things dropping upstairs. I decided to stay in the bathroom, which has a lock, and called the cops. Turns out it was just a bird that was trying to get at my fish in the fish tank that I have in my room. FML

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By MrDisgrace

Today, my mom bitched me out in front of my friends because I had my first kiss at "such a young age". She's 15 years older than me. FML

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4447

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By fuck em all

Today, my entire family is giving me the cold shoulder, including my parents, for not going to my sister's wedding. No one seems to care her new husband bullied me so badly in high school that I still need medication for my anxiety 15 years after graduating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, a woman fainted, and an extremely attractive cop came in to help. I ended up running into him an hour later. Seeing as though I'm not very shy or a nervous person, I struck up a conversation with him, thinking it must be fate. I ended up fumbling my words so much he asked if I was drunk. FML

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By tgstreaks - United States

Today, I got a spray tan for the first time. Naked, I climbed into the booth. When the machine started I became frightened by the loud roar of the spray and couldn't breathe. I pissed myself out of fear. I now have river-like streaks down both legs where the pee washed my tan away. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was at a concert. It was dark and everyone was singing and waving their lit-up phones in the air. I was having a great time, until someone snatched my £200 phone out of my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my chemistry professor made us all leave our classroom mid-lab because the class was complaining of the smell, and he was worried that there was a gas leak from one of the Bunsen burners. There wasn't, but it's nice to know my "silent but deadly" smelled like it might actually kill. FML

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By Ben Moy - 2/2/2021 07:57 - United States - Wallingford

Once bitten…

Today, after worrying for years about grinding my teeth after various dentists mentioned seeing evidence. Apparently, this worry manifested as subconsciously putting my tongue in the way at night, to the point where I have an open bite at 39 when I never had a problem before. I can't bite through sushi or sandwiches. FML

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By ICanExplain - United States - Sunnyvale

Today, after parking in the handicapped spot of a lot with my placard, an older couple with their 7-year-old grandchild came up and yelled at me for being a lying asshole and taking the parking spot. When I showed them my prosthetic leg, the kid started crying and guess who got yelled at again. FML

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By - Canada

Submission

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I thought I'd be spontaneous and spice things up, and gave her a spank across the butt. She started crying. FML

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By Med - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, after clubbing with my girlfriend, we went to her place. She then threw up on the floor, and went to clean herself up. When she came back, she'd forgotten that she'd just thrown up. She blamed me for puking, and kicked me out. It was 4:00 am and a 3-hour walk home. FML

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30638

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By nomoreart - United States

Today, I was working on my art portfolio. I had drawn a self-portrait. When I was satisfied, I wanted to show my parents. They thought it was a drawing of a bear. FML

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29337

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't follow her latest fad of becoming a goth, which involves dressing like an undertaker's haunted hearse and putting on eyeliner. Last week she was into Reggae and beanie hats. FML

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By Robert - 6/2/2021 14:00 - United States

Shitheads

Today, it's been a week since I hired a 17 year-old guy to work at my store. Three of his friends decided to come in today and "prank" him by all three taking a shit in one toilet and clog it. The toilet overflowed. FML

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By kimosabe - United States

Today, at work a woman came up to the check out counter and when I greeted her she said "oh honey, you are so beautiful!" I immediately smiled and thanked her, then she looked at me and said "oh, not you." and then pointed to her ear. She was on her bluetooth. FML

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51826

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By randommanwill - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my dad got angry with me for not watching "Better Call Saul" with him, because he thinks it will help me with law school. He did this while I was actually reading for a class taught by the top health law professor in the country. FML

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18231

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By Jim - United States

Today, my friends told me that they couldn't make it to my birthday dinner unless I changed the time, because I'd made dinner reservations that would clash with the new episode of Jersey Shore. FML

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40579

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By Pups4Cups

Today, I finally realized why my 9-week-old puppy was going to the bathroom so much. I went to pick up the food bag and realized she had chewed a hole in the bottom, and eaten half of the bag in the last 4 days. Goodbye 30 pounds of dog food, and 100$ for a vet visit. FML

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10316

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By Anonymous - United States - Hackensack

Today, I was going to have sex, so I went to my basement to get my builder bear that I had stuffed my condoms in. The bear was gone. My dad gave it to charity. 5ML

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52132

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By Anonymous

"shortcomings"

Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other, or so I thought. I heard her on the phone with her sister saying that I’m definitely the smallest dick she’s ever had, but the size of my bank account encourages her to overlook my shortcomings. FML

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By verydepressed - Russian Federation - Seversk

Today, I spent half-an-hour listening to my therapist telling me enthusiastically how people used to communicate telepathically before verbal languages were invented. FML

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Top comments

By qwtf | 14

#5944476 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 7:58

Match.com? E-harmony? If is been that long, maybe start looking online? There's someone out there for you :)

By username53001 | 7

#5944493 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:07

That must have been the breast feeling ever.

COMMENTS

By qwtf | 14

#5944476 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 7:58

Match.com? E-harmony? If is been that long, maybe start looking online? There's someone out there for you :)

Demig0d6 | 14

#5944588 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 9:55

Don't worry babe I'm here for u

Dracoboxer357 | 35

#5944731 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 14:48

I'm with Qwtf, I believe there's someone out there for you, go find him/her!
Posts this sad make me want to volunteer hugs though. :(

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5944995 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 19:54

don't be that person that has to harass mannequins.

SadSon | 2

#5945406 - Thursday 15 May 2014 2:42

@Dracoboxer357 I good you are right for OP and everyone. Some days is hard to put in the time on dating sites as responses never come.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5945503 - Thursday 15 May 2014 5:10

If you can't afford Match or E-Harmony, try OKCupid or Plenty of Fish. They're free. If you've resorted to Craigslist, you've hit rock bottom...

edmundoly | 4

#5951873 - Wednesday 21 May 2014 5:49

Or maybe there isn't and maybe that's OK.

By Cwizer | 17

#5944477 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 7:58

Oh loneliness, there is no cure for your sadness.

brenton490 | 19

#5944651 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 12:44

Yes there is some pie with peanut butter to fill in the holes!

RedPillSucks | 31

#5944781 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 16:00

I don't want no peanut butter filling in my holes!!

By gingaa96 | 18

#5944480 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 7:58

Sorry OP, #1 is just a dick apparently, but on the real, you can buy a Russian wife pretty cheap ;)

crazytwinsmom | 25

#5944511 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:19

OP is female, although that still may apply.

J3R3MYY | 14

#5944532 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:35

OP may be a guy, they just may be that confused about their gender it has been so long.

Before you neg, yes I saw the gender sign.

gingaa96 | 18

#5944546 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:43

Yea, I'm not gonna lie, I know it's a girl, but the plot contrivance worked better for me

By jojimugo | 20

#5944481 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 7:59

Dude maybe you leave the house and try and get a social life before you sneak those mannequins home with you

graceinsheepwear | 33

#5944625 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 11:47

OP is female.

Poppy8127 | 15

#5944701 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 14:03

Still gonna call you a dude no matter what

By mohamed_H | 21

#5944483 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:00

Don't worry OP you'll find the right one.

By bellles | 18

#5944485 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:01

Is that because you cuddle with naked mannequins in public ? Sorry OP, I'm sure you'll find someone :) just give it time .

Chibi_Kitten | 24

#5945280 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 23:59

Well..if you can think of it, then it exists in second life...

By MelTheGreat | 23

#5944488 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:04

Saucy.

zandalee | 19

#5945189 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 23:07

Not really. Might be if he took a selfie with mannequin though...

mydumblifesucks | 20

#5945653 - Thursday 15 May 2014 9:52

She*

By username53001 | 7

#5944493 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:07

That must have been the breast feeling ever.

cakefete2 | 30

#5944755 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 15:29

Mannequin be so hard to come up with great puns sometimes. Good work.

By AGB10 | 19

#5944508 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:17

Naked plastic chest? Have
You heard yourself?

By saralynnee132 | 10

#5944510 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:19

I think the mannequin might get more action

ZY1431 | 24

#5944522 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:26

at this point it probably has.