Today, I was at my retail job and we had to change the mannequin's...

By imaginationdarling - 13/5/2014 23:42 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was at my retail job and we had to change the mannequin's outfit. I had to hold her while my manager grabbed the new outfit. I rested my head on her naked plastic chest, and it was the closest I've got to affection in years. FML

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Work

Live dumping

Weird kid

Mixed signals

By Anonymous - 10/6/2015 13:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my boss for a couple of days off to recover from a nasty ear infection which has left me hard of hearing. However, he didn't understand why that would affect my job and refused. I work in a telephone call centre. FML

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By slapstick1982 - 22/11/2019 01:00

Perfect contraceptive

Today, I realized that my wife is on her 3rd month using an IUD. The side effect is nonstop bleeding. I haven't had sex with her since she got it. I'd say this contraceptive is working perfectly. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2019 03:00

Misunderstanding

Today, my boss sent me to remove a tree from a client's home. So I went and cut down the tree, only for my boss to show up an hour later, speechless. I was supposed to remove a sapling that had sprouted through the driveway tarmac, not the 100-year-old prizewinning Japanese cherry tree. FML

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By officekid - 16/8/2019 02:00

Today, a woman from my office called, asking who was in. Only one other woman was in the office. I couldn't remember her name, so I had to awkwardly guess random names while both women listened, obviously aware of what was going on. FML

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By FailureAtLife121 - 27/6/2009 03:44 - United States

Today, I was at Disneyland with some of my friends. While eating lunch, we watched a small child get frightened by the person dressed as Mickey Mouse. We all burst out laughing only to be jumped by Chip and Dale. Apparently I scream louder than the little kid. FML

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By they've been broken up for a year. - 19/11/2012 07:13 - United States - Dallas

Today, my girlfriend of 6 months yelled at me for not comforting her while she was crying because her ex got a new girlfriend, and "it's just not fair." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2020 02:00

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Today, my boyfriend, who went to college, is unable to write a two-line email without saying the text out loud at least five times in a row. He also keeps repeating newspaper lines and simple things I say, in a whisper, in order to understand them. I'm afraid he might be developing dementia. At 40 years old. FML

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By Greg - 3/6/2010 15:45 - United States

Today, I had to sit and listen to the guy in the next cube brag to his wife about the promotion he just received. The promotion my boss told me last week that I was going to get. FML

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By mehdi-online - 13/10/2008 08:22

Today, for the first time I sat next to a hot babe. I was feeling nervous, nevertheless, I managed to shyly ask her phone number. It’s only when I arrived back home that I realized there was a digit missing. FML

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By Username - 9/3/2011 10:04

Today, my boyfriend told me he had to go pick up his family from the airport. I assumed he meant his parents. He apologized and said he meant his wife and child. They'd got their visa sooner than he'd thought. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2013 03:42 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I learned that no matter how much of a nerd a girl claims to be, she is not ready for you to speak Klingon during sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2015 11:41 - United States - Mechanicsville

Today, I had to bail my son out of jail, because he's a pansy and wouldn't last a night in there. His crime: pissing through the open windows of passing cars after losing a bet with his friends. I feel like if he gave me grandkids, they'd be born with half a brain. FML

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By frenchienyx - 13/5/2019 00:00

Today, I was in Brooklyn for a meeting. I parked my car but my iPhone didn’t save my location. Where is my car? Called NYPD. No car towed. I had to walk 3 hours in the rain to find it thanks to the “Panic” button. So glad I found my car, but the “Loud Panic” button didn’t want to stop for an hour. FML

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By surrounded by dumbfucks - 13/12/2012 23:44 - United States - Carmel

Today, in history class, we were talking about Ancient Rome, and what childbirth would have been like back then. One girl asked in all seriousness why they didn't use ultrasound machines to see what sex their babies were. I have to deal with people like this on a daily basis. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2012 04:22

Today, I went to the beach with my boyfriend and family. My sister coyly pointed out the scratch marks down his back, hoping to embarrass me in front of my parents. The marks weren't from me. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2012 23:50 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I discovered that my wife actually encourages my three year-old son to sleep in our bed, as a buffer against any romantic advances. FML

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By asdfas - 18/9/2009 23:28 - United States

Today, I was at work and my mother texted me. The text read, "You take a nice picture." To which I responded, "what picture?" I then got a reply saying, "The one on your speeding ticket showing you going 73 in a 55 mph zone. You are even smiling." FML

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By ad4 - 31/1/2011 23:11 - United States

Today, I was woken up to my family surrounding me with breakfast in bed and sweet 16 balloons. My birthday is in 3 months, and I will be 17. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2011 22:02 - United States

Today, I discovered that for the last six months my mother has been leaving my TV on FOX while I sleep, in the hope that my subconscious will absorb it and turn me into "a morally-upright human being". FML

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By Jack - 1/2/2009 08:54 - United Kingdom

Today, I was playing with 3 kids I look after. The middle one has just learned about sex and started chanting that I had done it with the eldest as a joke. We were in the garden and the neighbours heard. Now I am fired, have to leave the house and am being investigated by the police. FML

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By ex-wife - 25/5/2018 09:00 - United States - Boston

Today, I found out that my 50-year-old ex-husband and the 20-year-old skank he cheated on me with are buying the house next door to me. FML

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By dammit - 1/2/2012 08:22 - United States

Today, my nap was cut short by three bricks flying through my window. FML

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By bronieswillrule5eva - 11/6/2012 18:16 - Canada - Summerside

Today, I overheard my boss and a co-worker talking about me. Apparently when I speak, I slur my words so badly that it sounds like I'm speaking in tongues. According to my boss, "he could be possessed by a demon right now, and we'd never even notice." FML

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By Men '86 - 24/7/2011 06:41 - Canada

Today, I went skinny dipping with my friends. A security man drove up the dock we were on with his bike. After informing us that the dock was closed, and noticing all of our swimsuits on the dock, he refused to move his flashlight beam from us in the water. FML

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By WellShit - 4/1/2013 02:19 - United States - New Richland

Today, I found out that there's something my new wife hates more than spiders. Black people. FML

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By Naomi - 10/11/2013 10:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my husband and I went for our 20 week scan and found out we're having a girl. The first thing he said to me was, "The next one better be a boy or I'm leaving you". FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2009 02:34 - United States

Today, I received a $250 ticket when I parked my car, that has the disabled placard, in a handicapped spot at a Wal-Mart. The officer said she watched me get out of the car and walk to store without appearing to be disabled. I'm 59 years old, have a steel rod in my spine and a prosthetic hip. FML

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By Somerandomguy64 - 10/12/2013 18:04 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, my wife made a system where I earn gaming time by either giving her money or doing her favors. Now whenever I use my phone, she accuses me of "secretly playing Xbox games" and gets pissed at me. I'm 28 years old. FML

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By skeletor - 18/2/2009 03:22 - United States

Today, my group of friends, my girlfriend, and I were playing 'never have I ever.' My girlfriend's turn came up and she went with, 'Never have I ever had an orgasm.' FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 20:13 - Belgium

Today, in high school, we had a presentation about sex, condoms, etc. After a while, the lady explained that we should get to know our sexual organs better. "For example, my daughter looks at her vagina in front of a mirror to check it out." I’m her daughter. FML

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By 6xrv - 8/4/2017 14:00

Today, while at the mall, I was traveling up the escalator on my way to the food court. When I neared the top, the handrail severely shocked me, causing me to drop a bag of China I had just bought, which fell to the bottom of the escalator and shattered. FML

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By Two wrecks one car - 20/8/2018 16:30 - United States - New Braunfels

Today, a woman pulled out in front me and I couldn't avoid hitting her. When we pulled off on the side of the road to inspect the damage, she backed into me. My car is only a month old. FML

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By Noname - 15/3/2009 03:56 - United States

Today, I ran for the train that was about to leave. I tried to hold the doors open with my leg and got stuck. The conductor just yelled out how unbelievable and ridiculous I was and waited 2 minutes to finally release me. Everyone was laughing at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2014 19:39 - United States - Derry

Today, on my first day of sailing practice, I managed to sit on a metal cleat. After being admitted to the ER, I was informed that I had two vaginal lacerations that needed surgery. The nurse tried to convince me it was my lucky day, because the hospital café was serving vanilla pudding. FML

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By roomingwithevil - 9/5/2012 23:26 - United States - Slinger

Today, I found out who my randomly assigned roommate was. Out of 10,000+ people, I just happen to get assigned a girl who threatened to kill me. FML

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By anonymous - 25/2/2016 21:55 - United States

Today, my husband, who has been in a coma for 5 weeks, woke up. When I went to visit him, the first thing he did was try and continue the argument we had been having before he crashed the car. FML

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By Lilo4life - 6/8/2015 15:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I discovered that I am just tall enough and my hair is just long enough, to get caught in the ceiling fan if I flip it over to dry it. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 05:02 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was visiting, and while in the bathroom, she clogged the toilet. Since there was no plunger in the room, she unclogged it with the only thing she could find: my mother's hairbrush. FML

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By Desperate_measures - 16/1/2010 12:22 - Greece

Today, I got a text from my crush. In my clumsy attempt to quickly grab the phone, I knocked it off the kitchen counter and cracked the screen. After driving to my friends house so I could put my sim card in her phone, I saw that the text said "who's this? stop texting me." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2018 09:00 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, for the 2nd time in a month, I've been rear-ended at a stop light. One insurance company refuses to pay because of prior damage from the 1st accident, and the other won't pay because of new damage not caused by their client. I just want my car back. FML

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Top comments

By qwtf | 14

#5944476 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 7:58

Match.com? E-harmony? If is been that long, maybe start looking online? There's someone out there for you :)

By username53001 | 7

#5944493 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:07

That must have been the breast feeling ever.

Comments

By qwtf | 14

#5944476 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 7:58

Match.com? E-harmony? If is been that long, maybe start looking online? There's someone out there for you :)

Demig0d6 | 14

#5944588 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 9:55

Don't worry babe I'm here for u

Dracoboxer357 | 35

#5944731 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 14:48

I'm with Qwtf, I believe there's someone out there for you, go find him/her!
Posts this sad make me want to volunteer hugs though. :(

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5944995 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 19:54

don't be that person that has to harass mannequins.

SadSon | 2

#5945406 - Thursday 15 May 2014 2:42

@Dracoboxer357 I good you are right for OP and everyone. Some days is hard to put in the time on dating sites as responses never come.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5945503 - Thursday 15 May 2014 5:10

If you can't afford Match or E-Harmony, try OKCupid or Plenty of Fish. They're free. If you've resorted to Craigslist, you've hit rock bottom...

edmundoly | 4

#5951873 - Wednesday 21 May 2014 5:49

Or maybe there isn't and maybe that's OK.

By Cwizer | 17

#5944477 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 7:58

Oh loneliness, there is no cure for your sadness.

brenton490 | 19

#5944651 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 12:44

Yes there is some pie with peanut butter to fill in the holes!

RedPillSucks | 31

#5944781 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 16:00

I don't want no peanut butter filling in my holes!!

By gingaa96 | 18

#5944480 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 7:58

Sorry OP, #1 is just a dick apparently, but on the real, you can buy a Russian wife pretty cheap ;)

crazytwinsmom | 25

#5944511 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:19

OP is female, although that still may apply.

J3R3MYY | 14

#5944532 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:35

OP may be a guy, they just may be that confused about their gender it has been so long.

Before you neg, yes I saw the gender sign.

gingaa96 | 18

#5944546 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:43

Yea, I'm not gonna lie, I know it's a girl, but the plot contrivance worked better for me

By jojimugo | 20

#5944481 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 7:59

Dude maybe you leave the house and try and get a social life before you sneak those mannequins home with you

graceinsheepwear | 33

#5944625 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 11:47

OP is female.

Poppy8127 | 15

#5944701 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 14:03

Still gonna call you a dude no matter what

By mohamed_H | 21

#5944483 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:00

Don't worry OP you'll find the right one.

By bellles | 18

#5944485 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:01

Is that because you cuddle with naked mannequins in public ? Sorry OP, I'm sure you'll find someone :) just give it time .

Chibi_Kitten | 24

#5945280 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 23:59

Well..if you can think of it, then it exists in second life...

By MelTheGreat | 23

#5944488 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:04

Saucy.

zandalee | 19

#5945189 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 23:07

Not really. Might be if he took a selfie with mannequin though...

mydumblifesucks | 20

#5945653 - Thursday 15 May 2014 9:52

She*

By username53001 | 7

#5944493 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:07

That must have been the breast feeling ever.

cakefete2 | 30

#5944755 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 15:29

Mannequin be so hard to come up with great puns sometimes. Good work.

By AGB10 | 19

#5944508 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:17

Naked plastic chest? Have
You heard yourself?

By saralynnee132 | 10

#5944510 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:19

I think the mannequin might get more action

ZY1431 | 24

#5944522 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:26

at this point it probably has.