Today, I was at my retail job and we had to change the mannequin's...

By imaginationdarling - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was at my retail job and we had to change the mannequin's outfit. I had to hold her while my manager grabbed the new outfit. I rested my head on her naked plastic chest, and it was the closest I've got to affection in years. FML

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Work

Not now!

In the zone

All over the place

By broooooock - United States

Today, it dawned on me that I've been married for 6 months, but because of the Army I've spent only around 12 days total with my wife. FML

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79483

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By Explicit - United States

Today, I had to give a speech in front of my class and during my speech I had to say the words "But six"; however, because of my accent it sounded like "Butt sex". For the remainder of the day I was frequently asked about "Butt sex". FML

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By apple - United States

Today, I had to clean out my room because I was having a sleepover. Only, I've not been in here for months since I've spent every night in my mom's room because I'm too scared to sleep alone. FML

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9042

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By mrWrong - United States

Today, my rescue squad unit responded to a 911 call from a woman who felt she was going to pass out. We knocked on her locked door a couple times with no answer. Fearing she might be unconscious, I kicked in the door. She was about to open it and only passed out from the concussion I gave her. FML

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By gumpy - United States

Today, I lost a glove while snowboarding. I got off my board to find it, when a bunch of kids took the opportunity to kick my snowboard down the hill, while yelling "Run, Forrest, run!" as I frantically chased after it. FML

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By ILOVELEDZEPPELIN - United States - Wakefield

Today, I called my mother crying, telling her how my husband has apparently been cheating on me for months. To my surprise, she didn't interrupt me or cut me off the whole time. Only when she didn't respond, did I realize she'd hung up a half an hour ago. FML

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By tspence - United States - Genoa

Today, I found myself arguing with a 6-year-old over a game of tag. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2020 08:29

Thanks for all the help

Today, I found the Facebook album my sister took with her kids by the pool and out on boats while back in our hometown. My problem? I'm our dad's carer since his stroke and she had planned the trip as a mission to help me take care of him, but due to her kids being "sick", she only visited briefly. Twice. In 5 weeks. FML

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By piercednipple - United States - Woodbridge

Today, my docile gerbil was startled by a car alarm. He dove into my tank top and bit straight through my nipple. FML

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26952

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By Kaeyne - United States

Today, I had an elaborate plan to ask this girl to Prom, and it was going to take a few minutes to set up. I asked my friend to distract her. He decided to distract her by asking her to Prom. She said "Yes". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to flirt with my girlfriend since I'm really busy and we can't always be together. I tell her online that I think she's hot and she responds "Keep talking I have to pee". FML

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32787

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By Anonymous

Today, I was offered a position as a trainer at a great company. My manager was livid when I told her. This is after she told me I was wasting my time trying to become a trainer and if I wanted to become one, I should apply elsewhere. FML

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By sorryyouweregone - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I was at a goodbye dinner with friends before I move back to America. A friend called to cry over relationship problems she refuses to fix. While I was outside trying to politely get off the phone, my friends ate and drank everything I'd ordered and closed the bill. FML

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By mcmanager - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job as a fast food manager, I saw one of my employees "trying to pick the bugs out" of our cookies. They were the raisins in them. FML

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By apparentlynotengaged - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my fiancé won't tell people we're engaged because his mother doesn't approve, and he doesn't want to upset her. FML

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1718

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Ringwood

Today, I told the man my girlfriend has been cheating on me with all about her infidelity. He didn't get angry; he just said that he knew, that they were in an open relationship, and that I was pretty stupid to have not figured it out sooner. FML

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46286

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By Anonymous

Today, my best friend told me he loved me, so I reminded him that I'm a lesbian. "That's just a phase, just wait till you suck my dick," was his reply. He was serious. FML

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2889

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called in to my girlfriend's favorite radio station to propose. After spending what seemed like an eternity telling her how much I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, she took a deep breath, said, "How about no?" and hung up. FML

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36103

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By MrG - United States

Today, I had to write, "Do not use to freeze cat," on my bag of ice because my sister's cat died, and she refuses to bury it. FML

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33772

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By E_Sauce

Today I went to the bank to get a jar of coins exchanged for cash via fancy counter machine. After 30 minutes I was handed a bag of rolling sleeves and was told to do it myself. Good news, I have a lot more money than I thought. Bad news, I have A LOT more coins than I thought. FML

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1697

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I worked a full day and then went to a three-hour class. I got home at 9 PM, and before the door closed I heard, "There's a sink full of dishes for you." There are three able-bodied men in the house, all of whom got here hours ago and created that sink full of dishes. FML

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By Crappyfayman - United States

Today, someone gave me a note to pass along to a girl in class. The note had the girl's name surrounded by hearts. When I gave it to her, she assumed it was a love note from me, and said "Not in a million years, fat ass" before I could say it was from someone else. FML

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36586

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By doomeddaddy - United States

Today, my son learned how to use the toilet for the first time. He was so excited he started peeing on the floor. FML

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31165

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By mischalucksux - United States

Today, I finally have a job I love with amazing people I call family and a fantastic boss. I've been here 8 months, and I'm doing a great job, I feel like I could work here forever! My most recent project? Printing our "Store closing sale" signs for liquidation. We permanently close in 7 weeks. FML

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By cartrouble - United States

Today, my car broke down. My boyfriend, who is not too handy, insisted on fixing it. He called me outside and said he was done and started the engine. Moments after rejoicing, it burst into flames. FML

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31492

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By chiktikka - United Kingdom

Today, my dad asked me to lend him some money to buy his medication, since he's all but broke right now. He returned with nothing but a bottle of tequila. FML

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By dealtit - United States - Toccoa

Today, I accidentally farted in the middle of class. Thinking I got away with it, I just kept doing my work until some kid across the room says, "I could have done better." FML

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39067

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By ptarr12345 - United States - Lancaster

Today, my little cousin was helping me wash my car. After scrubbing all the dirt, I gave him the hose and said, "Okay, now rinse off this disgusting thing." He turned the hose on me. FML

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By ohcrap - United States

Today, I was shopping for clothes. I thought this guy was a mannequin because he was standing perfectly still. I poked him and he screamed like a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was watching a movie alone with my girlfriend. She shifted positions as I put my arm around her, and ended up kneeing me in the crotch and shouldering me in the throat simultaneously. FML

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By hendrix1 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a break-up letter, using Comic Sans. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom asked me when I'm going to propose to my girlfriend. Not only was she in the room at the time, I've spent the whole week thinking of ways to break up with her without ending up in the hospital. 5ML

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48602

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By Tyler Smith - United States

Today, my girlfriend thinks my house is filled with ghosts. She can only hear them when I fart. FML

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28313

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By fedexed - United States

Today, I brought my lunch to work in the only box I had lying around my apartment - a small one from FedEx. When I went to the bathroom before lunch, I returned to my desk to find that one of my coworkers had mailed my lunch back to my apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got up feeling refreshed and positive for the first time in ages, so I happily threw my window open to greet the beautiful morning. A bee flew into my eye. FML

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32691

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By dr mamour - France - Paris

Today, during my first day as a medical intern in a new ward, I was performing a rectal exam. My supervisor thought it would be funny to burst into the room and scream, "Who are you?! You don't even work here, you pervert!" FML

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53903

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By ThatWasntFun - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I went to have a pre-cancerous mole removed off of my nose. When the doctor numbed my nose, she didn't check to see if the anesthetic actually worked, and began hacking away at my nose, leaving me to feel every last flick of the razor. Turns out I have an immunity to that anesthetic. FML

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31379

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By Anonymous

Today, I worked construction building a hotel. I was taking out the trash when I suddenly felt an extreme urge to poop. I ran into one of the rooms and found an empty cardboard box to poop into. Finished, I closed the box and made my way to the door. I then saw my boss staring at me from the closet. FML

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2646

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By Karma

Karma karma karma karma chameleon, you come and go.

Today, I forgot my phone in a restaurant bathroom because I was too distracted trying to steal three rolls of toilet paper without anyone noticing. After sinking that low because I was too broke to buy my own toilet roll, I'm now also in the market for a new phone. FML

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2623

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By nicholascageonyourface - United States - Papillion

Today, I was delivering pizza. When I went up to the front door, an elderly lady answered. She was wearing a floral dress that went down to her shins and had a Nicolas Cage mask on with eye holes cut out. When I glanced behind her, I saw her cats had them too. FML

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Top comments

By qwtf | 14

#5944476 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 7:58

Match.com? E-harmony? If is been that long, maybe start looking online? There's someone out there for you :)

By username53001 | 7

#5944493 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:07

That must have been the breast feeling ever.

COMMENTS

By qwtf | 14

#5944476 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 7:58

Match.com? E-harmony? If is been that long, maybe start looking online? There's someone out there for you :)

Demig0d6 | 14

#5944588 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 9:55

Don't worry babe I'm here for u

Dracoboxer357 | 35

#5944731 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 14:48

I'm with Qwtf, I believe there's someone out there for you, go find him/her!
Posts this sad make me want to volunteer hugs though. :(

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5944995 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 19:54

don't be that person that has to harass mannequins.

SadSon | 2

#5945406 - Thursday 15 May 2014 2:42

@Dracoboxer357 I good you are right for OP and everyone. Some days is hard to put in the time on dating sites as responses never come.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5945503 - Thursday 15 May 2014 5:10

If you can't afford Match or E-Harmony, try OKCupid or Plenty of Fish. They're free. If you've resorted to Craigslist, you've hit rock bottom...

edmundoly | 4

#5951873 - Wednesday 21 May 2014 5:49

Or maybe there isn't and maybe that's OK.

By Cwizer | 17

#5944477 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 7:58

Oh loneliness, there is no cure for your sadness.

brenton490 | 19

#5944651 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 12:44

Yes there is some pie with peanut butter to fill in the holes!

RedPillSucks | 31

#5944781 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 16:00

I don't want no peanut butter filling in my holes!!

By gingaa96 | 18

#5944480 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 7:58

Sorry OP, #1 is just a dick apparently, but on the real, you can buy a Russian wife pretty cheap ;)

crazytwinsmom | 25

#5944511 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:19

OP is female, although that still may apply.

J3R3MYY | 14

#5944532 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:35

OP may be a guy, they just may be that confused about their gender it has been so long.

Before you neg, yes I saw the gender sign.

gingaa96 | 18

#5944546 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:43

Yea, I'm not gonna lie, I know it's a girl, but the plot contrivance worked better for me

By jojimugo | 20

#5944481 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 7:59

Dude maybe you leave the house and try and get a social life before you sneak those mannequins home with you

graceinsheepwear | 33

#5944625 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 11:47

OP is female.

Poppy8127 | 15

#5944701 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 14:03

Still gonna call you a dude no matter what

By mohamed_H | 21

#5944483 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:00

Don't worry OP you'll find the right one.

By bellles | 18

#5944485 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:01

Is that because you cuddle with naked mannequins in public ? Sorry OP, I'm sure you'll find someone :) just give it time .

Chibi_Kitten | 24

#5945280 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 23:59

Well..if you can think of it, then it exists in second life...

By MelTheGreat | 23

#5944488 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:04

Saucy.

zandalee | 19

#5945189 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 23:07

Not really. Might be if he took a selfie with mannequin though...

mydumblifesucks | 20

#5945653 - Thursday 15 May 2014 9:52

She*

By username53001 | 7

#5944493 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:07

That must have been the breast feeling ever.

cakefete2 | 30

#5944755 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 15:29

Mannequin be so hard to come up with great puns sometimes. Good work.

By AGB10 | 19

#5944508 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:17

Naked plastic chest? Have
You heard yourself?

By saralynnee132 | 10

#5944510 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:19

I think the mannequin might get more action

ZY1431 | 24

#5944522 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 8:26

at this point it probably has.