Health: Today, I was admitted to hospital for suspected kidney failure.... - FML

01/06/2012 17:58 - Australia - Carrum

Today, I was admitted to hospital for suspected kidney failure. I called my best friend to let her know I couldn't make it to her birthday party tonight. She seemed to be infinitely more upset that I wouldn't be able to give her a birthday present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 445

You deserved it 2 119

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Another great day to be alive

Mother of the year

03/11/2016 06:03

Today, my girlfriend and I had sex. Later, she said the highlight of her day was getting a cupcake from the grocery store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 036

You deserved it 1 863

21/10/2013 04:18 - United States - Ankeny

Today, my son came home for the fifth time saying he didn't get the job, wondering what he did wrong. I looked at his resumé; under special skills was, "Keeping it real." Apparently he saw it in a movie and thought it would work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 107

You deserved it 5 431

07/11/2009 22:22 - United States

Spicy

Today, it was me and my husband's anniversary. He was at work, so I decided to dress up "sexy". You know, the typical lacey thong and fishnets. I heard the door open, and what I thought was him was actually my brother who'd visited to wish me a happy anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 918

You deserved it 5 723

31/05/2012 18:15 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I was shopping, and tried on a skirt that was a size smaller than usual, thinking that I would fit in. Not only did it not fit, neither I nor the sales assistant could get it off me, because the zip got stuck. She had to cut me out of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 460

You deserved it 29 317

23/08/2009 17:50 - United States

Today, I had a party at my house. When my parents came home, my dad asked how the party was. I told him I didn't know what he was talking about, to which he responded "Well the puke all over the driveway begs to differ." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 617

You deserved it 51 594

19/05/2011 17:38 - United States

Today, I woke up in a panic to what sounded like a plane about to crash into my house. I was so scared, I peed myself and passed out. It was just my cell phone vibrating under my pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 504

You deserved it 48 315

09/03/2009 22:45 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I stopped to take a pee in the lobby before I went in. I relaxed a bit too much at the urinal and accidentally farted. I chuckled about it like a 5-year old for a few seconds. The guy that had been next to me at the urinal was the interviewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 788

You deserved it 47 055

07/05/2013 20:17 - United States - Canton

Today, I turned 35. Because I'm still single, my sister bought me a cat to help start my "inevitable collection." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 013

You deserved it 6 407

22/05/2009 22:21 - United States

Today, I asked my best friend why she didn't ask our other best friend Anna to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. She said, "She's too pretty. I need ugly bridesmaids to make me look better." I am the maid of honor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 534

You deserved it 3 806

20/06/2013 05:49 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch when my grandmother came over and started watching me. Suddenly she said, "I see you're getting breasts". I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 326

You deserved it 8 422

16/04/2012 12:38 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I watched as my neighbor walked to my front lawn, looked me right in the eye, and pissed on my mailbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 929

You deserved it 3 384

13/09/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with some friends. I noticed a very cute waitress about my age, so I walked over to her and asked if she had a boyfriend. The extremely fit, attractive waiter standing next to her immediately turned, held out his hand and goes, "Yeah. Meet me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 741

You deserved it 13 839

23/03/2011 16:21 - United States

Today, I was playing with my dog. His bouncy ball rolled under the couch, and I got on my hands and knees to get it. He decided it would be a good chance to hump the shit out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 833

You deserved it 11 748

05/10/2011 03:28 - Reserved

Today, I drove to the liquor store completely naked except for my dressing gown, with a carload of idiot stoners who ran in and stole vodka, tequila and whiskey. We drank in a bush. Last week I was a good citizen, and now I'm white trash. I'm not quite sure what happened in between. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 095

You deserved it 64 824

16/02/2012 07:43 - United States

Today, after applying for a job at the local pet store, I picked up a ferret. It began licking my cheek, causing me to turn my head. It then latched onto my ear and hung like a giant furry hoop earring. I screamed, then quietly left the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 116

You deserved it 4 751

14/04/2016 23:15 - France

Spicy

Today, on a train, a little boy and girl come up to me and ask how babies are made. Already pretty uncomfortable with their question, their mother suddenly appears and says, "Go on, tell them!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 108

You deserved it 1 644

20/02/2011 08:15 - Australia

Today, while trying on bras in the changing room, I wanted to see what my friend's bra looked like on her. Not wishing to leave my changing room in my underwear, I wriggled under her door. When I got through, my bra had come nearly all the way down and when I tried getting back, I got stuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 429

You deserved it 45 637

27/09/2011 02:03 - Canada

Today, I saw what I thought was a spider. Wanting to kill it as quickly as possible, I smacked my hand against the wall with force. It was a nail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 222

You deserved it 31 892

30/05/2011 01:59 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I had a fight because he wouldn't let me get what I wanted to eat, even though it was my money. He said, "It's way too many calories. I'm supposed to help you lose weight." When I pointed out that I had given up a month ago, he looked at me and said, "Yeah, I can tell." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 762

You deserved it 49 530

08/09/2009 12:29 - Greece

Today, I spent hours consoling my girlfriend for getting dumped by the guy she was cheating on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 274

You deserved it 79 223

30/06/2011 17:30 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that not only did the toothpaste I put on my pimple make it more noticable, but it made it worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 428

You deserved it 34 577

13/01/2018 15:00

Today, I found out that I have to take a weekly workshop outside of class time all semester, and it's only offered on the day I have the most work hours. I barely make ends meet as it is, but the professor said to figure it out or fail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 787

You deserved it 312

14/06/2015 15:37 - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, my wife paid a man with a fake crystal and an even faker accent to investigate the creakiness of our apartment complex floors. $300 later, she told me he'd found a "sinkhole of chi energy" and that the building may collapse if we don't pay him to disperse it. I want a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 375

You deserved it 3 393

Broken vibrator

By Anonymous - 05/12/2019 20:00

Today, I received my package. I ordered a vibrator, I was so excited to use it, but when I was finally ready to use it, I found out that it broke during the delivery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 021

You deserved it 247

31/10/2014 23:28 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was a pregnant man for Halloween. Everyone at school thought it was funny, except my principal, who gave me a detention and said it was, "inappropriate and making a pregnant teacher feel uncomfortable". That pregnant teacher asked me to take a selfie with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 758

You deserved it 2 687

11/07/2013 14:24 - United States

Spicy

Today, my 13-year-old daughter and I went to a tropical themed restaurant. She wanted a strawberry Daiquiri, so I asked the waitress for a virgin strawberry Daiquiri. My daughter then said, "But dad, I'm not a virgin." FML

I agree, your life sucks 110 575

You deserved it 13 052

11/05/2013 21:58 - United States - Reno

Today, my grandpa moved into the house to live with my family. Along with having to share a room with him, he swears that having the AC on will give him pneumonia, and he keeps saying he's "freezing" when the temperature inside gets below 85. We live in Nevada. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 697

You deserved it 3 514

There you go

By Anonymous - 04/07/2018 01:30

Today, our work computers are down so I've been trying to fix it via my home computer for 3 days. My 12-year-old son took one look at the screen, changed 2 settings on a drop down menu, and the problem was fixed. My 12-year-old is better at my job than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 800

You deserved it 1 489

13/09/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, I accidentally left the tag on the new pants that I wore to work. Nobody had brought it to my attention for the whole day until finally, before I was about to go home, every single employee and my boss let me know by yelling in unison and laughing as I left the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 166

You deserved it 7 740

Great first impression

By Anonymous - 05/11/2020 10:57

Today, I finally spoke to a counsellor about my depression. As soon as the session started, I became so anxious that I could barely speak. Once the Zoom call was finished, I got the distinct impression that she thought I was mentally disabled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 714

You deserved it 103

28/07/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I was sitting in the break room at work eating lunch when I started to choke. My face turned red and tears began welling up in my eyes. Two of my coworkers were there. They began to argue over who would have to give me the heimlich maneuver rather than helping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 217

You deserved it 2 639

The Other Woman

By Anonymous - 27/01/2021 14:01

Today, I found out that my boyfriend’s other girlfriend is pregnant. He doesn’t know that I know. A few days ago he told me that he couldn't have a baby with anyone. She has to be the right one, I guess I wasn’t. FML

I agree, your life sucks 851

You deserved it 154

03/10/2013 15:38 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I went to one of the United States Mints since he enjoys coins. He looked at the money and seriously said, "I have such a hard on". He did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 122

You deserved it 5 326

16/01/2012 03:08 - United States

Today, I went to see one of my favorite bands. When they started playing my favorite song I whipped out my video camera and sang along. As I was reviewing the video later, I realized that I couldn't even hear the band over my horrible singing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 670

You deserved it 42 438

06/07/2016 17:21 - Germany

Today, my parents watched a horror movie with some creepy child in it. Apparently, I sound just like that kid when I call for my mom, so now she doesn't want me to call her mom anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 081

You deserved it 765

19/12/2011 06:43 - Netherlands

Spicy

Today, while having sex, my girlfriend suddenly broke down and started crying. Apparently, when I'm horny, my face reminds her of her dead dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 412

You deserved it 4 562

Overheard musings

By thanks hun - 07/05/2020 20:00

Today, my husband came out of the bathroom and screamed, "Call 911 because I just murdered this motherfucking toilet!” then laughed hysterically at his own stupid joke. I was on a Zoom meeting at the time. Everyone heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 892

You deserved it 230

18/02/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, I was at McDonald's. I bumped into a guy, and as I was helping him pick up his food, I realized he was cute. I began smiling and I was about to introduce myself, when he began laughing and said ,"It's you! I've heard about you!" He left laughing. I still don't know who he is, or what made him laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 999

You deserved it 3 609

12/09/2011 13:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I thought my hamster might be lonely, so I went to the pet shop and bought a new one to keep him company. The new hamster killed the old one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 070

You deserved it 13 943

16/02/2012 18:36 - Canada

Today, I dropped my bag to run after my two-year-old who had bolted in the parking lot. Once he was in his seat, I got in and drove away. I felt two large thumps as I drove over my own iPad, cellphone and wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 495

You deserved it 15 166

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Top comments

Ch0sen 13

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:13

I don't believe she deserves the title "best friend". Or "friend" at all, for that matter.

hockeyoceancity 13

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:15

She is a horrible friend... I hope your kidney is okay OP.

Comments

Ch0sen 13

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:13

I don't believe she deserves the title "best friend". Or "friend" at all, for that matter.

biggestfan23 11

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:27

Word. Good loyal friends are very few and far between

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:55

If she was your "best friend" she would have visited you at the hospital.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 3:08

A true friend would be understanding.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 3:56

Yeah it's hard to find friends who put you before themselves..selfless people are rare to find..and you can test who your real friends are in these type of situations..op get well soon

Jaxx66 21

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Saturday 2 June 2012 4:05

I'm sorry OP, I went to the hospital after a car crash on my way to the 'supposedly' best friends house for her birthday, and I ended up getting yelled at by her. She thought I was 'being a rude little pussy' to lie, instead of telling her I didn't want to go. Moral- she's not a friend. I hope you got something you can keep or can take back. She sounds absolutely rude.

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Saturday 26 July 2014 4:49

I hope OP returned or kept the gift.

hockeyoceancity 13

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:15

She is a horrible friend... I hope your kidney is okay OP.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:16

I would drop her as a friend if I were you.

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Sunday 3 June 2012 7:21

Please, EAT SOMETIHING

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:16

Maybe she shouldn't be your friend

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Saturday 2 June 2012 5:13

...do you want my failed kidney?

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Saturday 2 June 2012 5:35

Are you kiddin' meh? I'll take dem kid-nays off your hips, funky chipmunk!

peachesncreem 21

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Saturday 2 June 2012 7:08

No thanks chipmunk.. I have 2 of my own. I can't imagine having a 3rd failed kidney to deal with :/

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Saturday 2 June 2012 8:28

My kidneys aren't bad! My liver is fucked, but my kidneys are good! Also, I meant to put quotations around the previous comment.

nerobluerose 10

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Saturday 2 June 2012 8:37

Is bandwagon guy stalking squeaky chipmunk? His comments are almost always under hers. Or as often as I see them.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 8:57

I prefer teasing her because of... Dat squeaky voice. ):D

hockeyoceancity 13

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Saturday 2 June 2012 15:43

65- why is your liver fucked?:p hard partier?

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Tuesday 5 June 2012 21:49

This chipmunk likes to party hard! And yes, the bandwagon guy is my stalker.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:17

How bout you give me the present and I'll make sure she gets it. Especially if it's money.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 6:59

How about no

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Saturday 2 June 2012 10:09

5- "Stole money from a person with organ failure. One step closer to becoming one of the worlds biggest assholes."

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Saturday 2 June 2012 19:14

Don't worry 71 someday I'll be as big of an ass hole as you are

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Saturday 2 June 2012 19:22

Jason- I'm not the one you should be aspiring to be like. Look at OP's best friend! Now there's a role model.

tennisrapper1 14

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:17

Obviously, she's using you. Maybe she's not as good a friend as you thought she was...

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:18

What a bitch. People are so rude these days...

MrSassypants 32

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:39

You kinda called OP's friend a bitch. Shows how rude some people huh? YOU RUDE PENIS!!!

Skittles_Rawr 8

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:18

Nice friend you got there...

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:27

Kidney failure sucks :( Fingers crossed for you it's just an infection. Trust me dialysis is not fun and your friend sounds like a bitch.

egc573 40

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:28

Imagine when it's wedding time how many bridezilla moments she'll have. And I'm not even thinking of the havoc she'll wreak on her guests' wallets when they see the gift registry. Don't count on her properly thanking people, either. As for you, OP, I sincerely hope the kidney failure is a false alarm. If not, have a good and speedy recovery. Forget about the friend. Seriously? Forget about her.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47

You deserved it 4

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 107

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 502

You deserved it 59

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 531

You deserved it 147