Today, it was my last day at school before I graduate next week.... - FML

By Anonymous - 1/6/2012 18:17 - United States - South Amboy

Today, it was my last day at school before I graduate next week. Ten minutes into lunch break, I was brutally nailed in the neck by a football. Now, not only do I look like I was given a hickey by the Jolly Green Giant himself, I have to wear a neck brace at my graduation ceremony. FML

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Nice neighborhood

Great boyfriend

In my day…

By conductingfromthegrave - 1/7/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out, and about to have sex, when she asked me to "do that thing we did yesterday". We haven't had sex in 6 days. FML

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By wtf - 17/12/2012 19:38 - United States

Today, I was hit in the head by a golf ball. I wasn't near a golf course, and nobody was anywhere in sight. I'm still trying to figure out what happened. FML

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By worst day of my life - 6/7/2019 20:04

Today, my friends kidnapped me as a surprise birthday prank, and threw me into my own car's trunk. As they drove the car to PF Chang's, I'm freaking out, blindfolded and hogtied. My car was low on gas, and they ran out on the highway. They left me in the car on I-275 for 9 hours. FML

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By u_n0_mE - 8/2/2009 16:30 - United States

Today, I am finally dating the girl I have liked on and off for the past year. In the school play. FML

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By King_of_hearts - 4/4/2014 23:46 - United States - Plymouth

Today, my phone rang just seconds after I left a conference meeting to go use the restroom. It wouldn't have been a problem, except it seems one of my friends thought it would be funny to change my ringtone to a woman having an orgasm. FML

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By TrophyGirlfriend - 17/8/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was fired. After breaking the news, he also broke up with me. Apparently, his boss had a creepy crush on me and would give my boyfriend bonuses for bringing me to company events and, occasionally, out on the boss's personal boat. Looks like I am no longer useful. FML

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By jessye1182 - 11/5/2012 23:16 - United States - Yaphank

Today, I was babysitting, playing hide and go seek. I tried to jump behind the armchair, but it tipped, and I hit my head into the wind chimes, ripped the curtain rod from the wall, and smashed my knee into the wall. I lay on the ground in agonizing pain as the little girl shouted, "I know where you are!" FML

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By meowcat101 - 21/8/2010 04:05 - Canada

Today, my dad decided to take me to play golf to relieve the stress of recovering from a bad concussion. While teaching me to swing, he hit me in the head. FML

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By Radio GaGa - 27/10/2014 16:25 - Canada

Today, I watched my co-worker throw the mother of all temper tantrums. He's a radio personality, and just learned that he's not famous enough to use the "Don't you know who I am?" line to get out of a traffic ticket. FML

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By NewTenant - 20/6/2011 07:37 - United States

Today, while a very cute girl was explaining the apartment's laundry machines to me, I blurted out, "It's okay, my pants are used to handling huge loads". FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2019 01:00

A good excuse

Today, my ex-girlfriend, who broke up with me because God said she couldn't have a boyfriend, started dating my friend... Who she always told me she didn't even like. FML

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By So I can go now then? - 9/2/2019 20:00

Today, I got fired from a job I had already resigned from after agreeing to stay on and help them out for an extra month, despite having no contract. They fired me because a colleague refused to work with me anymore because I wouldn't date him. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2009 15:35 - United States

Today, I was walking around in Target with my friends and the guy I've liked for a long time. As we approached the patio section, I sat down on a chair only to hear a big wet watery sound. I got up and realized that I had just sat in some little kid's diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my Kung Fu-trained father found out that my boyfriend, a Krav Maga student, got me pregnant. Since I'm only 17, my dad got extremely mad. Several broken bones and a few ambulances later, it looks like a Steven Seagal movie happened in my house. FML

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By firsttimer69 - 20/3/2009 06:11 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. I was a virgin and he wasn't. About 30 seconds in he collapsed on me. I thought he was joking around and I started laughing. He wasn't joking. He was done. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2014 20:22 - Spain - Valencia

Today, I was driving my 7-year-old daughter to school, when out of nowhere a bird smashed into the windshield. Instead of screaming or being traumatized by the gore like me, my daughter started laughing, eventually calling the bird a "stupid bastard". FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2012 12:29 - United States

Today, I woke up with the worst vaginal itching and swelling. I then find out it was brought on by my boyfriend's cheap brand of toilet paper. FML

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By Allergies suck - 22/11/2016 15:33 - United States - Westport

Today, I had four separate allergic reactions. The first from the pillow at the hotel I was staying at, the second and third from two separate ice cream parlors due to cross-contamination, and the fourth from peanut dust in the air on the plane ride home from my vacation. FML

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By need2eat - 15/6/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I saw my parents for the first time in 11 weeks. They commented on how much weight I lost. I told how due to stress, I hadn't been able to eat anything for the past two weeks and I was basically unintentionally starving myself. They told me to keep it up. FML

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By Trainer Calypso - 27/11/2014 20:38 - United States - Schofield

Today, I went to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. I watched as my uncle and his girlfriend snuck off to the bathroom together, where they stayed until someone else tried to get in. When they came out, she was wiping her mouth. I need new eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my 7-year-old cousin has been having raging temper tantrums, added to an inability to tell the truth, and a disturbingly sociopathic nature. I'm pretty sure I'm seeing a psychopath in the making, and I'm stuck living here for 2 months. FML

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By assholedad - 11/2/2015 21:00 - United States

Today, I asked my dad to please shave his awful beard, because I'm a laughing-stock at school for being picked up each day by a guy whose face looks like Bigfoot's ass. He agreed, and 10 minutes later was sporting a pedo-stache. It's going to be a long year. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 00:45 - Germany

Today, my girlfriend and I were lying in her bed. We fooled around and were about to have sex as she suddenly began to cry without any reason. She cried for 30 minutes until I finally managed to calm her down. She said there was no reason for her crying. Then she fell asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2009 03:21 - United States

Today, I wanted to make love with my boyfriend for the first time. I wanted everything to be perfect. The CD kept skipping, the rose petals had ants all over them, and he couldn't get it up. FML

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By Postdotfuzz - 8/12/2009 00:12 - United States

Today, our midterm exams were returned in my urban politics class. I had studied hard and scored 86%. The blonde girl next to me got a 92. Earlier in the semester she had asked me what state Detroit was in. FML

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By damgoose - 15/6/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, while I was working in the liquor store, I was trying to impress my hot boss by lifting three cases of Grey goose. Turns out I can't, and I'll be working for the next two months of the rest of my summer paying it all back. FML

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By hereforfmls - 26/12/2019 05:00 - United States - Jasper

Played a blinder

Today, I felt something hit my eye as I was riding on my bike. My glasses ended up falling off. I looked for them for ten minutes before giving up. I ran over them. FML

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By pokèscared - 10/3/2020 05:00

Go away

Today, the creepy dude I’d been desperately trying to avoid was able to figure out which building I work in, the general vicinity of my house and which restaurants I frequent. He learned all this by the gifts I sent, not knowing it was him, on the Pokémon Go app. FML

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By In Pain - 11/1/2012 08:03 - United States

Today, I had gum surgery. I can't laugh. I can't smile. I can't talk. I can't eat. All I can do is wait for the pain medication to kick in. FML

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By grandlisleguy - 3/2/2020 21:00 - United States - Colchester

Pinky

Today, I was at the office making copies for a project. As I left the copy room my dress pants caught a sharp something on the door frame and ripped open my pants. All my co-workers saw my pink boxer briefs. Now I'm called "Pinky" by everyone. FML

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By Angelofkarma - 25/5/2009 18:05 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years took me to get a tattoo done with his name on. He paid for it. After it was done he told me it was over between us and he thought it'd be a nice reminder of him for me. FML

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By secret123 - 24/2/2009 11:01 - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend were watching some show about sex on the discovery channel. The topic of female orgasms came up and she said, "Wow, I wonder what that's like?" We've been dating and sexually active for three years. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2014 22:11 - Sweden - Lidk?ping

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by coming home early. He walked in on me sitting on the toilet, singing full volume to my cat as I took a crap. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2016 14:10

Today, I found out all the "work meetings" my husband has been going to wasn't him having an affair after all, but him attending a neo-Nazi group. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2009 21:50 - United States

Today, my mom noticed the hickey that I have on my neck. Embarrassed, I tried convincing her that I burnt myself using a hair straightener. She then told me that that's the same excuse she told my grandma when she got a hickey. FML

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By anon - 4/6/2009 11:35 - United States

Today, I was performing in an orchestra concert. My stand partner and I commented on people in the audience the whole time, saying how fat they were, etc. Towards the end of the concert, I realized we were sitting right by a microphone, and the whole audience could hear us. FML

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By ItRainedOutside - 6/1/2013 08:49 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, after 3 years with my dream girl, I decided to pop the question by making her complete a scavenger hunt ending in her finding me, suit and everything, by the park bench where we had our first kiss. She came home tired and, instead of following the clues, decided to watch TV all day. FML

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By Nirah - 26/7/2019 21:00 - Canada - Parksville

Today, I'm a week into a prescription of extremely constipating antibiotics. I also just caught the stomach bug going around at work that causes aggressive diarrhea. The two combined mean I have a constant, slow-moving stream of thick, foul-smelling sludge coming out of me. FML

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By prinzess - 9/12/2010 14:20 - Germany

Today, I said to my wife that I wished I had met her 20 years ago. Her response was, "Twenty years ago I had beautiful tits and many options, I wouldn't have even looked at you." FML

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By unsuccessful popping - 18/6/2015 20:09 - United States - Tappan

Today, a woman bitched me out at the grocery store, saying that since I'm not Indian, I shouldn't be wearing a bindi - a red dot on my forehead - because it's "cultural appropriation". I was too embarrassed to tell her it was actually a pimple I'd been trying to pop on my forehead. FML

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Top comments

By Ch0sen | 13

#4510098 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:16

Wear that hickey with pride, not many can claim the accomplishment of successfully wooing that elusive fellow.

By tennisrapper1 | 14

#4510093 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:16

Hey, at least you're unique! No one else has a neck brace as awesome as you do!

COMMENTS

By horseridermc | 2

#4510077 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:14

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

_ebbonyy | 11

#4510096 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:16

Least they'll always remember you for something! think positive :-)

Reply

tennisrapper1 | 14

#4510134 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:19

1 - We don't really care.

Reply

21jason | 9

#4510141 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:20

1) op?

Reply

BitchPlease18 | 6

#4510209 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:31

That sucks real bad! Having to spend your one and only high school graduation in a neck brace that someone else caused you to have. I can only imagine! Hope you can make the best out of your day anyway!

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#4510222 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:34

10 I do.

1 tell a super long story so I could have a good nighty night bed time story.

Reply

horseridermc | 2

#4510235 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:36

Thts kinda harsh

Reply

_ebbonyy | 11

#4510277 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:46

Whoops, my comment was meant to be its own comment. But I guess it works in a reply to 1 as well? :)

Reply

Insane_Tea | 15

#4510417 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:25

Cool story #1. Shall I alert the media?

Reply

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#4510689 - Saturday 2 June 2012 4:45

^ it wasn't really a story... More like a statement

Reply

LoveMyKoolaid | 0

#4510750 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:05

It could be worse.... You could have broke your neck somehow by that, or you could've ran out of Koolaid.

Reply

Hearon20 | 0

#4510823 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:31

Quit being a pussy. You don't need a neck brace after being hit with a football.

Reply

melikesfml | 11

#4511363 - Saturday 2 June 2012 7:09

I have to wear a shoulder sling to mine. Not only will i not be able to shake anyones hand on stage, i cant even move my arm...

Reply

grapist111 | 4

#4511493 - Saturday 2 June 2012 7:46

On the bright side, i tip my hat to you for receiving a hickey from the jolly green giant

Reply

Vert90 | 11

#4511903 - Saturday 2 June 2012 12:31

57 - You're a fucking idiot. It wasn't thrown by a pre schooler like you.

By tennisrapper1 | 14

#4510093 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:16

Hey, at least you're unique! No one else has a neck brace as awesome as you do!

Reply

soccergurrll | 8

#4510320 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:58

That's true! Although I doubt OP wants to different at graduation by wearing a neck brace. But still.. Memories!(;

Reply

nerobluerose | 10

#4510387 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:19

But that one kid with the sunglasses has flames on his neck brace!

Reply

kandi_kid69 | 15

#4510647 - Saturday 2 June 2012 4:30

OP should get her neck braced customized. (: Got to wear it with pride.(:

Reply

dsbs | 9

#4510809 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:29

Damn nigga atleast you educated

Reply

zuzupetalsYO | 11

#4511289 - Saturday 2 June 2012 6:53

Bedazzle heh heh

Reply

DespairFaction | 11

#4511701 - Saturday 2 June 2012 9:43

Screw that I wouldn't wear it.

By Ch0sen | 13

#4510098 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:16

Wear that hickey with pride, not many can claim the accomplishment of successfully wooing that elusive fellow.

Reply

KBeatz | 5

#4510523 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:58

"Ho ho ho!" Green Giant!

Reply

alpaquette91 | 9

#4510735 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:02

Won't the neck brace cover up the hickey?

By Skittles_Rawr | 8

#4510110 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:17

Could be worse... You could've lost your face.

Reply

Amethyst888 | 14

#4510220 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:33

And how does one lose a face exactly?

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#4510229 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:35

14 looks like 5 lost his brain.

Reply

t765234 | 10

#4510379 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:16

14- Ask that guy in Miami, I bet he could tell you.

Reply

Skittles_Rawr | 8

#4510444 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:37

She* thank you...

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#4510573 - Saturday 2 June 2012 4:12

Simple #14, you make inane, silly comments... You get ridiculed by your peers... You lose face. :-)

Reply

omgcookeys | 15

#4510990 - Saturday 2 June 2012 6:01

34, if you were correcting 17, it would be her, not she. Thank you.

Reply

Skittles_Rawr | 8

#4512231 - Saturday 2 June 2012 16:08

Sorry, my grammar still sucks x( i moved here from Spain a few months ago.

By Drew167 | 8

#4510111 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:17

That's a hell of a way to get a hickey.

By DontModMeDammit | 10

#4510115 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:17

I wish I had my own day at school. Darn.

By Pelvispresley | 8

#4510117 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:17

Well at least you will be remembered...

Reply

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4510745 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:03

As the one who had an affair with the jolly green giant.

By 21jason | 9

#4510125 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:18

High fashion!!

By AbbyAbyss | 5

#4510167 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:25

Agh... Im sorry for you OP.

Reply

krazykat794 | 0

#4510679 - Saturday 2 June 2012 4:43

What is OP????

Reply

KeyboardWarrior | 10

#4510702 - Saturday 2 June 2012 4:50

Optimus Prime, c'mon we've been over this!

By flockz | 19

#4510227 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:35

are you Jacoby Jones from the Houston Texans?