Miscellaneous: Today, it was my last day at school before I graduate next week.... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - South Amboy

Today, it was my last day at school before I graduate next week. Ten minutes into lunch break, I was brutally nailed in the neck by a football. Now, not only do I look like I was given a hickey by the Jolly Green Giant himself, I have to wear a neck brace at my graduation ceremony. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Non-baby fever

Like riding a bike

By sadlife - Canada

Today, I opened my lunch in front of my friends at university. I had a note in my lunch from my mother that said "Have a good day sweetie! - Love mom". I wrote that note, and put it in my lunch to impress my friends. FML

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By needanewride - United States - Newton Center

Today, I took a crowded train home. I was holding on to the rail when an old man started rubbing his crotch across my hand. I moved my hand but he moved too and kept doing it. When I moved my hand higher, he started licking it. I had to wait ten minutes for the next stop. FML

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By Holyguacamoly - Iceland

Today, at work I had to explain to a client that male dogs can wear red collars and it doesn't make them "gay". The client then got angry and stormed out of the store, causing me to get written up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, was the day my girlfriend and I tried to 69 for the first time. Today is also the day I learned that I'm physically incapable of maintaining an erection after someone farts in my face. FML

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By gudmarjoh - Iceland

Today, after studying all night for an exam, I ran out to catch the bus. On my way to the bus, my hair got caught in a branch for some minutes. Thinking I'd missed the bus but thankfully didn't, I went on. A few minutes later I remembered that my exam had been postponed for 3 hours today. FML

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By sarah - United States

Today, I went to the store to pick up some tampons. After waiting in line for about 10 minutes, the male cashier looked at me when I was leaving and said, "Have a nice... week!" FML

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By MeaganElizabethM - United States - Steubenville

Today, while on a haunted trail, I accidentally punched a high-schooler in the throat. FML

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By pimpslaprequired - United States

Today, I got on an elevator at the mall, along with a twelve or thirteen-year-old girl talking on her cell. She spent the whole ride telling the person on the other end how hideous I looked and how I look like a pregnant sperm whale. I was too humiliated to even say anything. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to get a nice, relaxing hot stone massage. Instead I got second degree burns on my legs. FML

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By pillowless - United States

Today, I came home to find that my house had been broken into. The items stolen were my PS3, cell phone, laptop, tablets, and for some reason my deodorant and pillowcases as well. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend of 3 years in his living room when a girl barges in, sees us, and screams "I knew it!" then rushes out. My boyfriend gets up, grabs his pants and while chasing after her yells "baby she's nothing, you know I only love you!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Malden

Today, my idiot neighbor decided the best way to dispose of the poison ivy in his yard was to pile it all up and burn it. I'm severely allergic. It was so bad that one of my eyes is still swollen half shut. FML

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By Matti

Today, as I sat on the toilet, I heard a noise outside. I peered through the window and found myself staring directly at my neighbor. FML

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By notgettingany - United States

Today, is my daughter's first birthday. Today also marks 1 year and 9 months since I last had sex with my wife. FML

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By thanks, Nemo. - United States - Hayward

Today, I let my 3-year-old daughter watch Finding Nemo on my phone while I made her lunch. I returned to find she had dropped my phone into the fish bowl so that her goldfish could see his friends. FML

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By KaLa - Canada

Today, I told my mom I loved her a lot. Her reply? "Thanks." FML

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By kidswithnomanners - United States

Today, I approached my daughter and told her she needs to clean her room. Her response was, "Thank you Captain Obvious." She's 4. FML

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By haunted - United States - Gainesville

Today, I woke up at 2am and went to use the toilet. I sat there doing my business, when I heard a voice whisper my name from behind me. I live alone and the toilet is right up against the wall. I screamed and ran back to my room, then went without sleep for the rest of the night. FML

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By lk07

Today, I got severe diarrhea in a public bathroom. I told my 6-year-old to stand directly outside the stall where I can see her shoes. She proceeded to inform everyone who came in that "Mommy has diarrhea." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that driving five miles an hour under the posted speed limit is "suspicious" and cause for a field sobriety test, breathalyzer, having your car searched and being handcuffed on the side of the road. FML

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By chloecamp - United States - Ellington

Today, every house in my neighborhood was vandalized. They skipped our house. Everybody thinks it was me. FML

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By almost_a_pro - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, I was home alone and tried to make some popcorn so I could watch a movie. Thirty minutes later, my parents came home and found me talking to the firemen. FML

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By JB - United States

Today, it was my first day as a vacuum salesman. While I was demonstrating how well it removed stains, I managed to smear stuff over the area I was cleaning. So not only was I unsuccessful in removing the original stains, I left them with worse carpet than when I got there. FML

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By crosscountryfatigue

Today, with one week left until I fly to my new apartment, movers loaded my belongings and happily drove off. They even loaded my unpacked, inflated air mattress. Looks like I'm sleeping on the floor for a week. FML

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By Eli - United States

Today, I was pointing out my car to my roommate. He responded with, "Oh that one with the broken window?" Turns out my car had been broken into. They took my CD player, GPS and Ipod. On top of that they left a Reese's Fastbreak wrapper and sunflower seeds on my front seat. FML

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By Ari

Today, my mother-in-law gave me a bottle of champagne for my birthday. This is the third year in a row she has done this. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and she's well aware of that fact. FML

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By wow babe - United States - Arnold

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. He definitely killed the mood when, while down there, he started saying, "Nomnomnomnom." FML

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By thanksmom - United States

Today, I finally got up the nerve to invite the guy I like to hang out at my house. It was also the day my mother decided that our house is a "pants optional zone," and that she should implement that policy immediately. While he was at our house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up after being sick from the flu and tried to get out of bed. I forgot I was in a bunk bed and broke my ankle in the fall down. FML

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By SHRINKY

Today, we were looking forward to spending x-mas eve with our best friends of 13 years before moving across the country where we know no one. That was the plan. The stomach flu virus has a different plan. FML

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By Unluggee - United Kingdom

Today, at a party, my three friends and I thought it would be fun to urinate in a jug. We dislike the neighbours, so decided to throw the contents of the jug over the fence into their garden. It hit a tree and splashed back. I ended up covered in our piss. FML

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By Anonymous - Puerto Rico - Bayamon

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because she found some lesbian porn on my computer. Her reasoning? That I must secretly be gay. FML

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By notawizard - Spain

Today, my daughter turned 11. Since she LOVES Harry Potter, I decided to write her an acceptance letter to Hogwarts. When she saw the letter, she screamed and showed me. When she found out I wrote it, she told me she hated me, started crying, and stepped on my foot. FML

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By TrashlifeKaylala

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk

Today, my father once again sat me and my boyfriend of a year down to have another "talk." These "talks" are always something negative against our relationship, and how it’s not up to his standards. We’ve explained numerous times why he’s wrong. My father is about to make me single. FML

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By peanutface - Canada

Today, not only did I miss my bus by seconds, I also saw the bus driver smirking as he drove past me in the middle of the Canadian winter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, while walking home with my mom, some unoriginal cockshart in a passing car yelled at me: "Fuck her in the pussy!" It was a long, awkward walk home after that. FML

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By WasFeelingGood - United States

Today, I received the newspaper from my hometown. My ex-husband's wedding announcement and picture were on the front page. His new wife has the same first name as me. All my Facebook friends from high school commented on how much weight I've lost and how good I look in my wedding photo. FML

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By ohforcheese - United States

Today, I learned that when microwaveable pizzas say, "Caution, hot after cooking" what they really mean is that you should be prepared for the cardboard tray to fall apart when you try to pick it up and that boiling hot cheese is going to run down your arm. FML

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By sunkissedberries - United States

Today, I ran into my boyfriend. The same guy that told me he was still in Florida with his family. FML

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By -_- - United States - Munith

Today, at a family dinner, my mother-in-law talked me into showing off some moves that I've learned in martial arts. I gently did a restraining hold on her. She screamed that I was trying to break her wrists, and kept the wounded act up all night, smirking as everyone gave me death glares. FML

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Top comments

By Ch0sen | 13

#4510098 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:16

Wear that hickey with pride, not many can claim the accomplishment of successfully wooing that elusive fellow.

By tennisrapper1 | 14

#4510093 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:16

Hey, at least you're unique! No one else has a neck brace as awesome as you do!

COMMENTS

By horseridermc | 2

#4510077 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:14

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

_ebbonyy | 11

#4510096 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:16

Least they'll always remember you for something! think positive :-)

Reply

tennisrapper1 | 14

#4510134 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:19

1 - We don't really care.

Reply

21jason | 9

#4510141 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:20

1) op?

Reply

BitchPlease18 | 6

#4510209 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:31

That sucks real bad! Having to spend your one and only high school graduation in a neck brace that someone else caused you to have. I can only imagine! Hope you can make the best out of your day anyway!

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#4510222 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:34

10 I do.

1 tell a super long story so I could have a good nighty night bed time story.

Reply

horseridermc | 2

#4510235 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:36

Thts kinda harsh

Reply

_ebbonyy | 11

#4510277 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:46

Whoops, my comment was meant to be its own comment. But I guess it works in a reply to 1 as well? :)

Reply

Insane_Tea | 15

#4510417 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:25

Cool story #1. Shall I alert the media?

Reply

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#4510689 - Saturday 2 June 2012 4:45

^ it wasn't really a story... More like a statement

Reply

LoveMyKoolaid | 0

#4510750 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:05

It could be worse.... You could have broke your neck somehow by that, or you could've ran out of Koolaid.

Reply

Hearon20 | 0

#4510823 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:31

Quit being a pussy. You don't need a neck brace after being hit with a football.

Reply

melikesfml | 11

#4511363 - Saturday 2 June 2012 7:09

I have to wear a shoulder sling to mine. Not only will i not be able to shake anyones hand on stage, i cant even move my arm...

Reply

grapist111 | 4

#4511493 - Saturday 2 June 2012 7:46

On the bright side, i tip my hat to you for receiving a hickey from the jolly green giant

Reply

Vert90 | 11

#4511903 - Saturday 2 June 2012 12:31

57 - You're a fucking idiot. It wasn't thrown by a pre schooler like you.

By tennisrapper1 | 14

#4510093 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:16

Hey, at least you're unique! No one else has a neck brace as awesome as you do!

Reply

soccergurrll | 8

#4510320 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:58

That's true! Although I doubt OP wants to different at graduation by wearing a neck brace. But still.. Memories!(;

Reply

nerobluerose | 10

#4510387 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:19

But that one kid with the sunglasses has flames on his neck brace!

Reply

kandi_kid69 | 15

#4510647 - Saturday 2 June 2012 4:30

OP should get her neck braced customized. (: Got to wear it with pride.(:

Reply

dsbs | 9

#4510809 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:29

Damn nigga atleast you educated

Reply

zuzupetalsYO | 11

#4511289 - Saturday 2 June 2012 6:53

Bedazzle heh heh

Reply

DespairFaction | 11

#4511701 - Saturday 2 June 2012 9:43

Screw that I wouldn't wear it.

By Ch0sen | 13

#4510098 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:16

Wear that hickey with pride, not many can claim the accomplishment of successfully wooing that elusive fellow.

Reply

KBeatz | 5

#4510523 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:58

"Ho ho ho!" Green Giant!

Reply

alpaquette91 | 9

#4510735 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:02

Won't the neck brace cover up the hickey?

By Skittles_Rawr | 8

#4510110 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:17

Could be worse... You could've lost your face.

Reply

Amethyst888 | 14

#4510220 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:33

And how does one lose a face exactly?

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#4510229 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:35

14 looks like 5 lost his brain.

Reply

t765234 | 10

#4510379 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:16

14- Ask that guy in Miami, I bet he could tell you.

Reply

Skittles_Rawr | 8

#4510444 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:37

She* thank you...

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#4510573 - Saturday 2 June 2012 4:12

Simple #14, you make inane, silly comments... You get ridiculed by your peers... You lose face. :-)

Reply

omgcookeys | 15

#4510990 - Saturday 2 June 2012 6:01

34, if you were correcting 17, it would be her, not she. Thank you.

Reply

Skittles_Rawr | 8

#4512231 - Saturday 2 June 2012 16:08

Sorry, my grammar still sucks x( i moved here from Spain a few months ago.

By Drew167 | 8

#4510111 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:17

That's a hell of a way to get a hickey.

By DontModMeDammit | 10

#4510115 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:17

I wish I had my own day at school. Darn.

By Pelvispresley | 8

#4510117 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:17

Well at least you will be remembered...

Reply

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4510745 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:03

As the one who had an affair with the jolly green giant.

By 21jason | 9

#4510125 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:18

High fashion!!

By AbbyAbyss | 5

#4510167 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:25

Agh... Im sorry for you OP.

Reply

krazykat794 | 0

#4510679 - Saturday 2 June 2012 4:43

What is OP????

Reply

KeyboardWarrior | 10

#4510702 - Saturday 2 June 2012 4:50

Optimus Prime, c'mon we've been over this!

By flockz | 19

#4510227 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:35

are you Jacoby Jones from the Houston Texans?