Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up with a dead cockroach and its guts all over...

By foxbrat - United States

Today, I woke up with a dead cockroach and its guts all over my forehead. My boyfriend responded by laughing hysterically and saying "Poor guy, never had a chance to see the world." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32137

You deserved it

3279

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Instadrama

Rock, hard place

The smell detective is on the case

By Anonymous

Dr House

Today, I was trying to ease off a caffeine headache. I ended up getting a Brain Freeze. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1116

You deserved it

303

Favorite

By madessalarouge - United States

Today, my 4 year old son excitedly asked me if he'd get to see drones at the zoo. He apparently thinks drones are living creatures. I guess I can go ahead and spend his college savings on shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2589

You deserved it

1298

Favorite

By bewitched and bothered - United States

Today, my boyfriend went into great detail over the Tiffany's jewelry he painstakingly selected for his previous girlfriends on their birthday. I got hand towels. In powder blue. From Target. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36393

You deserved it

2593

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my mother has been seeing my maths teacher. I'm still failing his class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31137

You deserved it

7866

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I had an argument. She admitted she didn't know why she was pissed at me, but still is, and now she won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28417

You deserved it

4160

Favorite

By Anonymous - Singapore - Singapore

Today, in the middle of my boyfriend finally giving me an orgasm, I had an anxiety attack, which caused him to have an attack of his own. I guess there is such a thing as having too much in common with your partner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58094

You deserved it

7576

Favorite

By bthms - France

Today, I was standing in a queue when an old lady turned, looked straight at me, and asked me to hold her bag. Confused, I took a hold of it. She started screaming for help claiming I was stealing her shopping. Turns out, she was talking to her husband behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32825

You deserved it

3429

Favorite

By PiZzA_FaCe - United States

Today, I was working at a day care center. A 5 year old boy came up to me telling me he wanted to eat my face. Confused, I asked him why. He said, "Because your face looks like pizza." FML

I agree, your life sucks

52215

You deserved it

5235

Favorite

By really? - United States

Today, I texted my girlfriend to tell her that we couldn't hang out because my dog died this morning and we were burying him. She replied that she wasn't going to get stood up by a stupid dog. She then broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52907

You deserved it

4384

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I got a haircut. During dinner, my grandmother complained about it, and said I looked terrible. I've had the exact same haircut for years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1368

You deserved it

118

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I just found out that my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend are rooming together at college. Visits are going to be extremely awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56397

You deserved it

6722

Favorite

By RC - United States

Today, my cousin and I were out on the boardwalk. I walked to the railing next to a man and said, "Great view isn't it?" Then I found out that the man was blind and had a seeing eye dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30239

You deserved it

10417

Favorite

By owies :( - United States

Today, I was trying to replace the lightbulb in my bedroom. Since I couldn't reach it by myself, I grabbed and stood on a chair. After I got two broken bones, and had stitches in my forehead, I figured that using a chair with wheels probably wasn't the best idea after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11093

You deserved it

75372

Favorite

By Username - France

Today, I was playing with my four month old daughter, flying her in the air like an airplane. I open my mouth saying 'Weeee', and she vomited on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29554

You deserved it

15686

Favorite

By gimpy - United States - Panama City

Today, I was carrying my coffee from the kitchen to the coffee table and couch. Last week I had ACL surgery, so I'm on crutches. Unfortunately, I got the urge to sneeze on my walk to the couch. I didn't make it to the couch before I sneezed and spilled coffee everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11130

You deserved it

1212

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Westwood

Today, as I was getting x-rays of my arm, I heard one technician ask another, "Are you sure those are hers?" At 17, I have weaker bones than my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12886

You deserved it

1074

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I spent most of my daughter's 8th birthday with her in the hospital while her broken arm was put in a cast. Apparently, my son had told her that some people gained the ability to fly on their 8th birthday before encouraging her to find out by jumping off the slippery slide. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28586

You deserved it

2465

Favorite

By anonymous - United States

Today, I finally decided to get back at my roommates for eating all my food. First thing that kept disappearing was my water, so I decided to add lots of laxatives to my water this way the first person to go to the bathroom nonstop was the culprit. I forgot I had done that when I drank some myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8628

You deserved it

45517

Favorite

By T-Guy - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to spice up our sex life, so we went and had sex in the park. We had 30 minutes of "spice", just to spend seven hours in jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16246

You deserved it

50693

Favorite

By lebowski - United States

Today, my 5 year old brother wanted to look through my phone. I know he can't read so I gave it to him. He was, however, able to get at my "private" photo album. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8756

You deserved it

41456

Favorite

By scared - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I finally went to the doctor's about my severe anxiety. I am so used to putting on a happy performance around people that she didn't believe anything was wrong with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30573

You deserved it

4301

Favorite

By newlyneurotic - United States - Spokane

Today, I finally got the hearing aids that I've needed for years. My dog quickly learned that if he quietly sneaks up behind me and barks, it'll scare the hell out of me. It's now his favorite game. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3995

You deserved it

326

Favorite

By Noname - United States

Today, the kids I teach informed me that I had spelled my name incorrectly on the board. I looked at it and assured them that I had spelled it correctly. I'm 22 and a graduate student, they're six and mentally challenged. Guess who was right? FML

I agree, your life sucks

19199

You deserved it

69410

Favorite

By pk24 - United States

Today, I decided to try and call into a local radio station to try and win concert tickets for one of my favorite bands. I called in and was actually the winning number. When asked my name I answered quickly, but all I heard was "Hello? Hello?" Then they hung up. My cell phone was on mute. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56254

You deserved it

16529

Favorite

By mom

Today, after it appeared my daughter was throwing away any vegetables in her school lunch, I packed her all vegetables so she would have to eat at least one. Nope! She threw them out and complained to school that "mommy doesn't feed" her. I got a call from the school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4302

You deserved it

574

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, to celebrate my older sister's 21st birthday, my parents forced me to take the night off work so we could all go to the casino. Not only is this coming out of my vacation, I wasn't old enough to enter the casino, so I had to sit in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40525

You deserved it

4406

Favorite

By Anonymous

There you go

Today, our work computers are down so I've been trying to fix it via my home computer for 3 days. My 12-year-old son took one look at the screen, changed 2 settings on a drop down menu, and the problem was fixed. My 12-year-old is better at my job than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3700

You deserved it

1448

Favorite

By Sara - Vietnam - Hanoi

Today, I paid $50 to go to a war museum. It was so boring that I fell asleep standing up, lost my balance and faceplanted the floor right in front of our tour guide. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19152

You deserved it

5720

Favorite

By notnerb - New Zealand

Today, I met up with a guy from a local dating site for coffee. He walked up, looked me over and said "Ummm, no", then walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68736

You deserved it

8550

Favorite

By kp - Australia

Today, I found ants all over my chocolate, but I'm so addicted that I just wiped them off and ate it anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8855

You deserved it

58615

Favorite

By OperaLover - United States

Today, I learned that the building I just moved into contains both a drummer and an opera singer. Both are very dedicated to their craft and practice frequently. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32031

You deserved it

3446

Favorite

By moosemay - Germany - W?rzburg

Today, I heard a noise in my garage so I grabbed a baseball bat and went to look. The skunk I stirred was actually better armed than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20140

You deserved it

2050

Favorite

By TomorrowMaybe - Denmark - Frederiksberg

Today, I got my new smartwatch that I ordered for myself on the promise that I would use it for tracking my new exercise routine. Instead, I used it for playing Pong whilst eating cake and drinking wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7723

You deserved it

8143

Favorite

By Anonomous - United States - Plainfield

Naughty boy

Today, marks the third week since my sister's guinea pig learned to masturbate. He humps his wheel and makes squeaking noises for five minutes, then rolls over on his side and pants heavily. He does it at least twice a night while I'm trying to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51818

You deserved it

4132

Favorite

By NoCookForYou - United States

Today, I decided to cook dinner for my wife and kid. After a long day of preperation and cooking I asked them what they thought of it. My 12 year old son then says, "I would say it tastes like shit but not even shit tastes this bad!" My wife then laughed and gave him a high-five. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44579

You deserved it

5810

Favorite

By Sigh - United Kingdom - Waltham Abbey

Today, a woman strapped her 8-year-old son into the seat next to me on a transatlantic flight. Thinking they'd been unable to book seats together, I offered to swap seats with her. She said she'd booked it this way intentionally, because he's a "fucking brat" on flights. She was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48771

You deserved it

2595

Favorite

By Traffickills - United States - Hyattsville

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend, we were stuck behind a 7-car accident for 2 hours in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19368

You deserved it

4981

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, my mom barged into my room, threw 5 boxes of condoms at me, then said, "So you don't get pregnant". She still hasn't accepted the fact that I'm a lesbian. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1770

You deserved it

309

Favorite

By Stressed

Today, I got promoted. By promoted, I mean, given a much harder job with no training and no extra pay because someone went on maternity leave. They've already hired someone for my old position. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2029

You deserved it

126

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, I had a job interview. I didn't have any clothes suitable for the interview, so I went to the store early and bought some there. After the interview, I went to return the clothes, because they were so expensive. The hiring manager saw me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17878

You deserved it

44021

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By kitkatkelly | 0

#615437 - Sunday 11 October 2009 16:15

Well, it didn't.

By gameoverman_fml | 0

#615549 - Sunday 11 October 2009 17:49

Your boyfriend is retarded. The cockroach was CLEARLY backpacking.

COMMENTS

By kitkatkelly | 0

#615437 - Sunday 11 October 2009 16:15

Well, it didn't.

coloradodude12 | 0

#615546 - Sunday 11 October 2009 17:46

I just have to get my opinion out there. Who cares? You live in Hawaii.

the_stereotype | 0

#615604 - Sunday 11 October 2009 18:31

i just had a little baby barf. never want to wake up to that.

Zhejan | 0

#615613 - Sunday 11 October 2009 18:35

Apparently you have no idea what it feels like to be playing airplane with a baby, and having him throw up into your open mouth, and you accidentally swallow it as a reaction