Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up with a dead cockroach and its guts all over... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 97

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 444

You deserved it 70

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 484

You deserved it 37

11/10/2009 06:18

Today, I woke up with a dead cockroach and its guts all over my forehead. My boyfriend responded by laughing hysterically and saying "Poor guy, never had a chance to see the world." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 159

You deserved it 3 280

Commando

Is that even legal?

Shitpants blues

09/08/2009 13:48

Today, I gathered both mine and my girlfriend's families secretly to a restaurant. I paid the restaurant to play romantic music, and paid for the best table available. As soon as we finished our meal, our families gathered around and I proposed. She laughed and said no way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 105 113

You deserved it 8 757

24/08/2019 16:00

Today, after waking up in a panic since I slept through my alarm, I hurriedly got ready and started speeding to work. On the way, I texted my boss to apologize for running late. His response? "It's Saturday." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 423

You deserved it 675

05/12/2010 17:04

Today, I realized that before I can legally drink, I will have been married, divorced, and pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 824

You deserved it 84 449

30/05/2011 04:19

Today, my fiancé informed me he didn't want a regular wedding cake, he wants a Batman cake. I have nothing against this, except that he already decided the wedding theme would be Star Wars. Essentially, I'm marrying a child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 510

You deserved it 23 579

08/11/2009 10:07

Today, my dad drove me to work which is an hour away. 20 minutes into the job, I was told 'Didn't we tell you last week? We let you go.' Clearly, no, they didn't. I had to wait one awkward hour, with my colleagues who knew I was fired before I did, for my dad to collect me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 306

You deserved it 2 384

27/07/2016 16:38

Today, my boyfriend and I are looking at places to stay to meet for the first time. I figured renting a small vacation apartment would be ideal because he's not able to help pay because he isn't working and I'm not rich. He's telling me he can only be comfortable in 4 star hotels. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 910

You deserved it 2 292

31/12/2015 11:50

Today, I drove my friends two hours to see a tourist attraction I had been talking up for months. It burnt to the ground last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 675

You deserved it 2 312

05/11/2009 05:06

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my dad and his new "girlfriend". A couple days ago I realized that my sexy clothes that my boyfriend had bought me for our anniversary was missing. Guess who was wearing it? FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 033

You deserved it 2 172

13/04/2009 13:44

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were watching TV. She starts to undo my belt buckle, unzips my fly and then takes my pants off. Right as I'm starting to get really excited, she says to me, "Just joking." FML

I agree, your life sucks 165 222

You deserved it 24 317

28/08/2014 04:34

Today, my new boyfriend and I got intimate for the first time. He started whispering in my ear, but I couldn't understand him. He pushed me away and ignored me the rest of the night. Apparently it's a huge turn-off that I can't talk dirty in Klingon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 643

You deserved it 5 898

Hi uncle, I'm dad

By Anonymous - 01/03/2021 00:30

Today, I found out I'm an uncle. Normally this would be great news, except I have spent the last 8 years thinking I was her father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 831

You deserved it 55

24/09/2014 13:58

Today, I went to use the porta potty at the construction site I work at and found two homeless people having sex in it. I almost got fired, because my advisor blamed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 307

You deserved it 4 090

25/03/2014 21:53

Today, while lifeguarding, a kid thought it'd be hilarious to take a crap in the pool. The other kids freaked out and rushed to get out. Several of them slipped on the way out and hurt themselves fairly badly. Two parents are now threatening to sue us, and my boss blames me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 413

You deserved it 3 829

07/06/2013 05:14

Today, I got mugged on the way to my 21st birthday party at a bar. I begged the thug to at least throw me my ID, only to have him laugh and run away singing "happy birthday". FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 807

You deserved it 3 966

18/12/2012 22:02

Today, I ate brunch at my in-laws. The food all tasted off to me so I didn't eat much, telling my mother-in-law I was watching my weight. Later on, while out doing a bit of shopping, I stopped at a red light. Guess who pulled up next to me while I was scarfing a fast food burger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 806

You deserved it 30 462

23/09/2013 06:15

Today, while I was working, someone came in and attempted to purchase GTA 5 with a medical marijuana card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 993

You deserved it 3 428

Lovely bundles of joy

By Anonymous - 12/01/2012 11:54

Today, I've had chairs thrown at me, kicks have hit me in the nuts and I've heard "I'm gonna fucking kill you, bitch" several times. I work at a kindergarten. And this is a good day compared to what I'm used to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 105

You deserved it 3 842

The struggle is real

By Sally - 26/12/2011 11:48

Spicy

Today, my friend told me how depressing it is that she hasn't had sex in two weeks. I haven't had sex in 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 540

You deserved it 5 813

Superspreader event

By Anonymous - 03/08/2021 05:59

Today, my son had a fever and bad cough all night. Turns out he has RSV. My friend's baby, whose birthday party we went to a few days ago, also has RSV, and had been sick all week. She knew this and still went through with the party, without informing any of us parents. Now my baby is on breathing treatments. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 154

You deserved it 72

10/09/2012 00:45

Today, uncertain of having a job next month or being able to pay rent, I'm filling out tens of online surveys a day for gift cards to McDonald's, to buy hamburgers that I can freeze so I will have food for the coming months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 740

You deserved it 2 909

17/11/2009 01:54

Today, my boyfriend decided to be romantic and literally sweep me off my feet... directly into a door frame. Now my face is bruised, and the police officer at my school has asked me if I need to make a report about anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 245

You deserved it 2 414

14/04/2015 08:33

Spicy

Today, I went to feed my neighbors' chickens while they were on vacation. I noticed the TV on inside, so I peeked in to see if the place was being messed with. Guess who found the neighbor home early, fully naked, and jerking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 653

You deserved it 4 052

24/10/2016 13:54

Today, I had to prepare for my big meeting tomorrow morning. Before going to bed, I washed my face. Unfortunately, the towel I wiped myself with turned out to house our red ant infestation. My face looks like a ripe tomato. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 658

You deserved it 767

10/03/2012 02:05

Today, my husband sat me down on the couch so he could share some "awesome" news with me. He excitedly declared that he and his idiot drinking buddies are planning on running a real-life Fight Club out of our basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 827

You deserved it 3 230

02/04/2012 13:37

Today, my dad came home drunk at four in the morning. He walked into my room, screaming at me to wake up so he can kill zombies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 819

You deserved it 2 517

Frenemies 2

By Anonymous - 28/06/2021 17:59

Today, my old frenemy told me she married my college boyfriend who made a fortune during the early days of Bitcoin. They have no kids, a massive house, retired when they were 45 and are moving to their retirement villa in Hawaii. I'm divorced and on benefits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 919

You deserved it 172

26/10/2009 06:15

Spicy

Today, after waiting a couple weeks, I finally slept with this guy I really like. It went like this: 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 041

You deserved it 4 757

16/01/2010 12:22

Today, I got a text from my crush. In my clumsy attempt to quickly grab the phone, I knocked it off the kitchen counter and cracked the screen. After driving to my friends house so I could put my sim card in her phone, I saw that the text said "who's this? stop texting me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 028

You deserved it 14 687

23/05/2015 11:06

Today, I caught my son trying to punch his own teeth out so he'd get more money from the tooth fairy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 997

You deserved it 3 641

02/03/2016 18:53

Today, being jobless and all, I tried calling my dad for a job after my many years of pride. He invited me to an interview to compete against 10 people, probably more qualified than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 978

You deserved it 7 173

14/03/2009 19:28

Today, I learned that the surprise party thrown for my girlfriend's 19th birthday was wonderful and she couldn't be happier. Except that I didn't show up. Apparently 40 people were invited but I wasn't one of them. We've been going out for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 317

You deserved it 4 036

03/06/2012 14:47

Today, I decided to be healthy and go for a run. I broke my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 327

You deserved it 4 080

16/09/2013 17:42

Today, my son asked me if slavery was ever abolished. He's 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 809

You deserved it 7 380

26/08/2015 08:04

Today, I had my daughter babysit her 2-year-old brother while I went out with my husband. I told her not to let him out of her sight. She certainly did as I said; when I tuned into our internet-enabled baby monitor, I heard her and some guy having sex in the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 520

You deserved it 2 894

29/08/2012 16:38

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend texted me, saying, "I'm running a bath. Wanna come over and learn about water displacement?" I excitedly drove over, thinking he wanted to have some fun. No, he really did want to teach me about water displacement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 824

You deserved it 6 913

30/10/2009 04:17

Spicy

Today, I discovered that just because I get unwanted erections on an hourly basis throughout the day, it doesn't mean that I can get required erections in the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 516

You deserved it 2 578

22/11/2009 08:35

Today, when putting something away on a high shelf, something small and black fell down my cleavage. I thought nothing of it and finished the task at hand. When I pulled out the neck of my shirt later to find it and looked down, glaring up at me from my boobs was a large, disgruntled spider. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 183

You deserved it 4 761

Vinted-ed

By whywouldudothat - 19/04/2020 02:00

Today, my mom sold my watch collection on Vinted. I've spent over 15 years on the collection and I don't even live with my mom. I'm still wondering how she got in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 984

You deserved it 108

Get a load of this nerd!

By Igballoon2 - 23/04/2020 14:00

Today, I was told that school was cancelled for the rest of the year. School is/was my one place of escape, and the only distraction in my life. It's now not going to be an escape until September. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 687

You deserved it 253

I've just got one of those faces

By Eric Rivera - 29/01/2021 23:01

Today, while walking to the corner store, I noticed a car full of teenage girls. As I got closer to the store, one of them who was still getting in, says, "Hurry, here comes a pedo!" I turned to look and see who they were talking about, but there was no one behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 876

You deserved it 99

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Sunday 11 October 2009 16:15

Well, it didn't.

gameoverman_fml 0

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Sunday 11 October 2009 17:49

Your boyfriend is retarded. The cockroach was CLEARLY backpacking.

Comments

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Sunday 11 October 2009 16:15

Well, it didn't.

coloradodude12 0

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Sunday 11 October 2009 17:46

I just have to get my opinion out there. Who cares? You live in Hawaii.

the_stereotype 0

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Sunday 11 October 2009 18:31

i just had a little baby barf. never want to wake up to that.

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Sunday 11 October 2009 18:35

Apparently you have no idea what it feels like to be playing airplane with a baby, and having him throw up into your open mouth, and you accidentally swallow it as a reaction

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Monday 12 October 2009 3:07

oh god..eww.

vespr 0

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Friday 20 August 2010 16:13

+1

Tearz 0

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Sunday 11 October 2009 16:16

Epic win.

godsrightnutsack 0

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Monday 12 October 2009 0:11

ew.

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Sunday 11 October 2009 16:22

niw cipe

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Sunday 11 October 2009 16:32

you have something on your forehead and your BF has a sense of humour. FYL indeed, cry me a river

Sun_Kissed18 25

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Sunday 11 October 2009 17:56

Exactly, its not like you ate it! It just crawled on you, tickled you, you "itched it" then woke up with guts on you. Take a shower and deal with it.

moonlight_daze 8

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Sunday 11 October 2009 16:43

YDI for dating a funny guy.

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Sunday 11 October 2009 19:43

ok so how did she deserve it? she didnt do anything to deserve it, she could get rid of it and take a shower but she didnt deserve it

moonlight_daze 8

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Monday 12 October 2009 3:12

If she didn't want something like this to happen, she shouldn't have dated a funny guy.

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Sunday 11 October 2009 17:03

If the cockroach had made it down to your pussy, it would have.

lovemyblueeyes 0

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Sunday 11 October 2009 17:35

EW. Cockroaches are so gross. LOL that was funny what your bf said though.

gameoverman_fml 0

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Sunday 11 October 2009 17:49

Your boyfriend is retarded. The cockroach was CLEARLY backpacking.

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Sunday 11 October 2009 18:57

who cares

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Sunday 11 October 2009 19:52

Oh my gosh that is really disturbing. I'm not that afraid of insects but cockroaches are among the few that practically make me scream. FYL