Today, I woke up with a dead cockroach and its guts all over...

By foxbrat - United States

Today, I woke up with a dead cockroach and its guts all over my forehead. My boyfriend responded by laughing hysterically and saying "Poor guy, never had a chance to see the world." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32133

You deserved it

3278

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Proactive

You tried

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a wonderful dream where I got married to the perfect guy, then had the best sex of my life on a beautiful honeymoon. The only problem is that my "husband" was the snowman from Frozen, and that I got sad when I realized it was just a dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47293

You deserved it

9959

Favorite

By city_girl - United States

Today, I got rear-ended. In possibly the scariest part of downtown. At night. By a man who spoke hardly any English but managed to ask if I would go out dancing with him instead of calling my insurance company. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32947

You deserved it

2527

Favorite

By cold-n-stinky - United States

Today, I was spooning with my wife when I said, "It's cold tonight." Previously when I used that line, my wife would respond by saying, "I know how to warm you up" and we would make love. Tonight, she said "I know how to warm you up" and farted on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31709

You deserved it

9249

Favorite

By Victoria - United States

Today, I got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. When he saw I had something in my pocket, he began to ask if it was a weapon. After arguing for a few minutes I was put in handcuffs. I was too embarrassed to pull the tampon out my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10798

You deserved it

48151

Favorite

By hunnybaby0319 - United States

Today, I went to pick up my car from where I parked it last night. I walked over to my parking spot only to find a vegetable stand there in its place. Apparently, that's the location of the Saturday Market and they had my car towed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12839

You deserved it

25501

Favorite

By LassieToe - Australia

Today, while on the train to university, I realized it was my stop and quickly stood up to get off. Or I would have, if my leg hadn't gone to sleep and caused me to fall, landing face first into the crotch of the old guy in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26324

You deserved it

2809

Favorite

By heckinfrick - 8/10/2020 08:01

What a headache

Today, it was the day of the doctor's appointment that I've been waiting for for eight months. I woke up with a fever and had to reschedule. The next appointment is next year. Guess I have to put up with my daily migraines until 2021. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1161

You deserved it

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter and husband decided to surprise me at work. A whole bunch of my co-workers were standing around me when she ran up and hugged me. Her face is level with my crotch. She immediately jumps back from the hug and says "ewwww smells like fish." FML

I agree, your life sucks

44622

You deserved it

16907

Favorite

By CastAway - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I went down to the pier. I brought an empty bottle and some paper, and we both constructed a massive letter expressing our passionate love for each other. We stuck it in the bottle, and threw it out to sea, only to see it explode in slow motion on a protruding rock. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48547

You deserved it

15030

Favorite

By kjcarey123 - United States

Today, a fax came in at work for a specific job, and I asked the owner of the company who it was for. He replied "the round one", so I handed it to our rotund Project Manager. Apparently the owner meant the garbage can, not my fat co-worker. Now i'm the asshole of the office. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20317

You deserved it

44172

Favorite

By sandyseashells10 - United States

Today, I went to the waterpark and my kids were fighting so I grounded them both. We concluded the day by boogey boarding on a mechanical wave. There was so much water I didn't realize my boobs had completely fallen out of my bikini. As revenge, my kids didn't tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28651

You deserved it

20590

Favorite

By Nikki - Canada

Today, this guy and I went on a date to the movies. We got up to the desk and I asked for one ticket for 'Jennifer's Body.' The guy moved his way in front of me and said, "make that two tickets." He then walked away to look at movie posters and left me with the $22.50 charge. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35118

You deserved it

6687

Favorite

By Anonymous - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, my long-distance boyfriend and I decided to be a bit naughty on Skype. It was 3am so we assumed that my dad was asleep and did some dirty talk. When we were done, I heard my dad laughing outside my room; he'd heard it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33333

You deserved it

17295

Favorite

By helplesssssss - United States

Today, I took a shower in a beachhouse we're renting for the week. Once I get out, I realize the house doesn't supply towels, my entire family was outside in the front yard, my cell phone was upstairs, and there are no blinds. I stood under a ceiling fan naked for 20 minutes trying to dry off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37035

You deserved it

15116

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent all day handing out flyers advertising my services as a psychic. I got only one call. The caller wanted to inform me that I had misspelt the word "psychic" on my flyer. She was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7767

You deserved it

42423

Favorite

By itsthebestdayoftheyear - Canada - Stoney Creek

Today, after 3 years of hard work, very little vacation and no raises, our boss got us a crappy box of drug store cookies as an employee appreciation gift. Which he ended up eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21523

You deserved it

1511

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I picked up a warm blanket that just came out of the dryer. Despite wearing pants, the static electricity from the blanket delivered a shock straight to my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26114

You deserved it

4214

Favorite

By Aries_gurl - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my sister asked to use my blow dryer, so I gave her the keys to my apartment. When I came home from work, half my clothes were missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2740

You deserved it

463

Favorite

By cody4prez

Today, my dad told my mom to hurry up or they'd miss the start of their concert. She said "I'm coming, I'm coming..." and without thinking, I blurted "That's what she said." They're super religious, and I'm now grounded till January. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12291

You deserved it

4843

Favorite

By Bride to be - United States - Dayton

Today, after religiously eating healthy, getting good sleep, and trying to keep my stress level low, I'm stuck in bed with aches, fever, sore throat, the shits and throwing up. My wedding is in 2 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2855

You deserved it

215

Favorite

By Foot In Mouth - United States

Today, my anatomy teacher was putting together a skeleton model for class. He had misplaced the leg bone, so I thoughtfully asked, "What's the matter, lose a leg?" Unfortunately, there's nothing thoughtful about asking that question to a guy with an amputated leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9176

You deserved it

36281

Favorite

By KindaLooksLikeCocaine - United States - San Francisco

Today, I walked in on my drunk roommate grinding up stale marshmallows and attempting to snort them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22623

You deserved it

1730

Favorite

By hospital - United States

Today, I started my first day at a new hospital. My first assignment? Shave an elderly man's testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40963

You deserved it

5633

Favorite

By Anonymous - France

Today, my boss walked down to my office with me to get some paperwork after a very tense, important meeting. He patiently waited while I tried to unlock my office door with my remote for my car. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9517

You deserved it

25643

Favorite

By kaybax - South Africa

Today, I gave my boyfriend the silent treatment. He put his Facebook status as "When your girlfriend finally shuts up for once". FML

I agree, your life sucks

19046

You deserved it

46389

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was feeling frisky and asked my boyfriend if he wanted a blowjob. He said "Fuck no", then rolled over to go to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57051

You deserved it

9572

Favorite

By Annie - United States

Today, I went to my son's high school play. The moment I arrived at the auditorium, I shouted out his name to let him know I made it. Thinking I was a student, a teacher yelled, "SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!" Scared out of my mind, I quickly obeyed, to mass giggling from the kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15901

You deserved it

36682

Favorite

By marray - United States - Aurora

Today, I received a grade of 0 for a paper I worked really hard on. When I emailed my professor for feedback, she told me she gave me a 0 because I misspelled Colombia as "Columbia" and that she's not responsible for my low IQ. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3840

You deserved it

605

Favorite

By CA19oo - United States

Today, I went to see one of my favorite bands. When they started playing my favorite song I whipped out my video camera and sang along. As I was reviewing the video later, I realized that I couldn't even hear the band over my horrible singing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9664

You deserved it

42386

Favorite

By Wititipwitpwit - France

Today, I broke the glass of the photocopier trying to photocopy my ass. My boss will be here in five hours. She'll know it was me. I'm the only night guardian. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7023

You deserved it

48768

Favorite

By Lorky - 8/5/2020 02:00 - United States

There goes the neighborhood

Today, I received an email from the office of the apartment complex I moved into two months ago. Apparently, a woman a few apartments down from mine was murdered. Time to pack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1370

You deserved it

109

Favorite

By bigmouth - United States

Today, I met a really nice couple at a bar. We talked and the conversation eventually drifted towards online dating. I casually commented that hooking up through the internet was sad and pathetic. Turns out they met on Myspace. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15829

You deserved it

67705

Favorite

By notout

Today, my 28-year-old brother screamed at me and outed me to our very religious, homophobic parents because I wouldn't let him shock his friend with an electric dog collar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4307

You deserved it

424

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/10/2020 11:01 - United States - Marietta

#ForeverAlone

Today, I woke up realizing that not even the scammer that I told I would pay for her friendship wanted to be my friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

811

You deserved it

245

Favorite

By sex deprived - United States

Today, I got more pleasure from scratching a bug bite than I've gotten from my boyfriend in 2 whole years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57082

You deserved it

11593

Favorite

By rock'n roller

Today, my bandmate and I decided to propose to our girlfriends, who are also in the band, at the same time in the middle of a concert. His girlfriend said yes. Mine ran off the stage crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55549

You deserved it

6430

Favorite

By yay! - United States

Today, I found my son's iPod touch and was looking at a light-saber app. He walked into the living room to see me fighting the cat and making sound effects to myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8747

You deserved it

32189

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/4/2020 08:00 - United Kingdom - Aldershot

Welcome to the world!

Today, I helped deliver the baby belonging to the woman my husband left me for. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2388

You deserved it

132

Favorite

By best breast

Today, my husband and I hosted Easter dinner. Since I was in my own home, I breastfed without a cover. My sister-in-law stormed out in a rage, screaming that I was being obscene, and equated it to shooting heroin in front of her kids. Happy Easter indeed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5048

You deserved it

635

Favorite

By chlorobitch551 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I overheard my dad telling his friends that the only way I'll ever sleep with a woman is with the help of Rohypnol. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29738

You deserved it

2876

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By kitkatkelly | 0

#615437 - Sunday 11 October 2009 16:15

Well, it didn't.

By gameoverman_fml | 0

#615549 - Sunday 11 October 2009 17:49

Your boyfriend is retarded. The cockroach was CLEARLY backpacking.

COMMENTS

By kitkatkelly | 0

#615437 - Sunday 11 October 2009 16:15

Well, it didn't.

coloradodude12 | 0

#615546 - Sunday 11 October 2009 17:46

I just have to get my opinion out there. Who cares? You live in Hawaii.

the_stereotype | 0

#615604 - Sunday 11 October 2009 18:31

i just had a little baby barf. never want to wake up to that.

Zhejan | 0

#615613 - Sunday 11 October 2009 18:35

Apparently you have no idea what it feels like to be playing airplane with a baby, and having him throw up into your open mouth, and you accidentally swallow it as a reaction