Health: Today, I stayed home, sick in bed. I had been sleeping on my... - FML

By Sick - 24/02/2009 20:34 - Canada

Today, I stayed home, sick in bed. I had been sleeping on my arms. I got up quickly to grab the phone. My numb left arm rocketed and punched me in the (now cut) lip, which threw me off balance, making me smash my (now bloody) nose off of the headboard. It was a telemarketer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 583

You deserved it 6 141

Empathy lives

BO Central

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Good morning!

By 3lavyaa - 07/10/2009 12:31 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up and the sun was blinding me through my attic window. I have no blinds so I got a poster from my wall and stuck it to the wood on my window with nails. Turn's out I have woodrot, and my entire window fell out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 936

You deserved it 4 757

By hating my life - 26/11/2015 07:57 - United States

Today, I managed to accidentally drop an entire cake on my laptop's keyboard. There's so much frosting stuck under the keys, I have no idea how I'm going to clean it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 662

You deserved it 7 401

By Slowsky - 09/05/2012 10:19 - United States - Claremont

Today, I was at the gym on the elliptical. Feeling proud of myself for finishing a very intense workout, I looked to my left to see that the maintenance guy fixing the machine next to me had burned more calories testing the machine than I did during my entire workout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 493

You deserved it 5 548

By angelsaredicks - 11/09/2015 13:55 - United States - Morgantown

Today, I gave blood for the first time, since I'm a universal donor. After it was done, I passed out, woke up, puked, and passed out again. The kind nurses told me I was the worst case they had seen all week. So much for doing something to help others. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 927

You deserved it 2 071

By Anonymous - 30/09/2009 09:31 - United Kingdom

Today, I left home to start my new life at University. Saying goodbye to my mother, the last thing she said to me was "Don't turn gay". I'm gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 740

You deserved it 11 128

By therevsev - 02/10/2011 06:05 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized that it has been so long since my wife and I were intimate that I got slightly turned on watching her suck the meat off chicken wings. I'm jealous of fried, sauce-soaked poultry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 467

You deserved it 5 068

By emselin - 18/09/2012 20:07 - Denmark - Niv

Today, someone brought cake to class. Trying to get some attention from the guy I have a crush on, I asked if he wanted my piece of cake. He accepted it, and then offered it to another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 612

You deserved it 4 996

By Bob - 12/11/2010 03:55 - United States

Today, I received a restraining order from a girl I have never met. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 077

You deserved it 3 643

By Rynne S. - 13/03/2012 06:12 - United States

Today, I got my yearbook. My sister and I are identical twins, and we realized only my sister had a picture in it. When we asked the head of yearbook, they said they thought it was the same girl trying to get two pictures, so they put in the prettier one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 424

You deserved it 2 455

Out of it

By Anonymous - 29/07/2021 04:01

Today, after my girlfriend had a nightmare this morning, I stayed home because she has really bad anxiety issues. A couple of hours later, she's pissed because I said I would stay up, but I fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 819

You deserved it 190

By Anonymous - 30/04/2009 16:54 - United States

Today, my coworker sent an email to the whole company asking us to fill in a survey. I've been secretly seeing her for two months, so I responded with "sure thing baby, and by the way I ran out of condoms, can you bring more for tonight?" I accidentally hit reply all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 000

You deserved it 91 688

By Anonymous - 20/06/2009 16:06 - United States

Spicy

Today, my husband and I were having sex in the shower while our 5-year old was sleeping. Apparently, she wasn't sleeping and she asked me what those loud noises were. I told her I was singing. Now I can't get her to stop "singing" in the shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 989

You deserved it 61 406

By Brenden - 14/05/2013 23:52 - United States - Massillon

Today, my new neighbor moved in. Because she was fairly young, I offered to mow her grass whenever it needed cut. Her dad then tried to start a fight with me because he thought it was sexual come-on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 120

You deserved it 6 997

By Anonymous - 27/02/2015 00:20 - Canada - Toronto

Today, the doctor let me know I have an autoimmune disease. The disease results in ulcers in my colon which bleed when I poop. I cried, but only when I was told that I wouldn't be allowed to eat cheese anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 568

You deserved it 3 153

So that makes it alright?

By Boundaries - 04/02/2021 11:01

Today, I confronted my boyfriend that I found his “hidden” Tinder profile and his horny messages between him and other girls. His response? “Babe, that was a month ago.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 933

You deserved it 106

By RJB - 29/07/2011 02:48 - United States

Spicy

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I got so bored I made a "to do" list for the week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 960

You deserved it 12 529

By fappy dog - 23/01/2014 21:06 - United States - Granite City

Spicy

Today, and for the past week, my dog started barking at my door when I start masturbating. I think my mom is starting to suspect. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 507

You deserved it 11 237

By Anonymous - 08/07/2016 18:47

Today, I clogged the toilet at my boyfriend's house. I couldn't fix it and was too ashamed to say anything. I can't handle confrontation, so I had to just sit there as my boyfriend's brother ended up getting blamed, then grounded for "lying" about it not being his fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 716

You deserved it 13 840

"Why are you booing me? I'm right"

By Anonymous - 29/06/2021 18:00

Today, I broke my toe on a decorative statue I bought for our front yard. My husband warned me it took up too much space and was a hazard, and now I get to hear him say, "I told you so." FML

I agree, your life sucks 330

You deserved it 911

By JadeC - 01/12/2011 18:55 - United States

Today, I was fired. For "lack of attention to details", specifically spelling errors. My now ex-boss misspelled the name of his own company on my severance agreement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 653

You deserved it 3 315

By kagan - 08/08/2019 14:00

Today, the only food in the house is canned beans and vegetables that I can’t stand. My dad refuses to go to the store because, "we can't afford it." Meanwhile, my stepmom just came home with a brand new Gucci purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 990

You deserved it 145

By jokersgirl - 21/05/2019 04:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had the wildest sex we'd ever had. I was on top of him and started going at it like crazy. I was close to finishing when the Mortal Kombat phrase "FINISH HIM!" popped into my head. It wasn't until I saw a weird look on his face that I realized I'd said it out loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 138

You deserved it 804

By shea234 - 20/02/2012 16:19 - United States

Today, I tried to find myself a friend on Craigslist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 872

You deserved it 8 656

Hang in there

By Anonymous - 13/02/2021 02:01

Today, I'm 26-year-old woman and I've never had a date for Valentine's Day, never been on a date, or received flowers. This pandemic makes me think I never will. FML

I agree, your life sucks 861

You deserved it 131

By Anonymous - 20/02/2012 03:00 - Canada

Today, I had to leave the movie theater early because I couldn't fit in the chairs. I guess I'll see it when it comes out on DVD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 337

You deserved it 57 549

By Anonymous - 17/01/2012 13:20 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend, who is supposed to protect me from murderers and rapists, had an emotional breakdown because he was so excited that I'd cooked french fries for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 944

You deserved it 27 844

By Username - 11/01/2011 09:45

Today, I found out my boyfriend is only with me because he's in love with my sister, who turned him down repeatedly, and I'm the closest he can now get. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 886

You deserved it 3 462

By Badlucked - 03/05/2019 06:00 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I spent almost an hour cleaning and scrubbing the inside of my fridge. Just when I'd finished putting everything back inside, I tipped over the open milk carton. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 715

You deserved it 367

By TTR - 13/11/2011 00:36 - United States

Today, I finished a very important but annoying presentation that took four hours to complete. Only after writing a paragraph to explain the presentation and sending it to my boss did I realize that I saved the document as "Shit I have to do to get a promotion." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 899

You deserved it 44 584

By Anonymous - 07/01/2013 11:11 - Australia - Hurstville

Today, an intoxicated gentleman stumbled into my shop requesting alcohol, which I do not sell. When I informed him of this, he expressed his disappointment by urinating on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 283

You deserved it 2 245

By jalapenos99 - 02/04/2009 00:36 - United States

Today, I was playing in a basketball game and blocked this kid's shot. I was really pumped up about it until I realized the kid had cerebral palsy and the coach put him on the team because he really wanted to be on at least one team in his life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 544

You deserved it 54 759

By jsyn - 09/11/2013 23:27 - United States - East Hampton

Today, somebody broke into my car, just to steal the obviously fake $1,000,000 bill hanging from my rear-view mirror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 023

You deserved it 11 938

By gold3nshow3r - 09/03/2017 20:00 - United States - Roanoke

Today, I woke up to a strange wetness covering my body. My drunk roommate's urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 508

You deserved it 419

By Uniforms - 29/03/2017 12:00

Today, a friend of mine asked me to take him to a city about an hour away to pick up his firefighter uniforms. When we arrived, he was told that his uniforms had been shipped to the station he works at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 498

You deserved it 401

By Nik - 20/02/2010 15:05 - United States

Today, I found out that my mother was having an affair with my boss "to help me keep my job" because she thought I was useless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 569

You deserved it 2 640

By Anonymous - 22/12/2013 06:56 - Australia - Elwood

Today, I got a call at 4 in the morning from the security company, saying someone had broken into my workplace. I drove an hour out there, only to find out it was a rat that had set off the alarm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 476

You deserved it 3 350

By messyvictor - 28/01/2012 16:19 - United States

Today, my mom told me to clean the house up because she wants to make good impression on the cleaning lady. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 326

You deserved it 3 068

By WartCream - 18/08/2013 00:27 - United States - Olathe

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a weird wart-removal ad came on. He watched in disgust as the lady's wart said rude things to her. Then he looked at me and said seriously, "I'm glad yours don't talk..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 590

You deserved it 4 823

Crisis

By Anonymous - 29/07/2020 23:00

Today, I had a customer throw his purchase at me and demand a refund after I told him that, due to the national change shortage, I couldn't give him his 38 cents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 321

You deserved it 314

By anonymous - 25/11/2015 01:01 - Canada

Today, my mother refused to buy a cat because my sister is allergic to them. She bought a rabbit instead. I'm allergic to rabbits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 286

You deserved it 1 504

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Tuesday 24 February 2009 23:08

Wow, you got beat up by yourself. That takes a lot of talent.

vampireknight 0

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Tuesday 24 February 2009 23:25

how the fuck?...i would like to see a reinactment. but dont worry it sounded like something id do

Comments

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 February 2009 23:08

Wow, you got beat up by yourself. That takes a lot of talent.

Send a private message

Tuesday 16 February 2010 22:52

uhm fail?

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Tuesday 24 February 2009 23:19

tough titties bitch

vampireknight 0

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Tuesday 24 February 2009 23:25

how the fuck?...i would like to see a reinactment. but dont worry it sounded like something id do

okaypineapple 0

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Tuesday 24 February 2009 23:29

You kicked your own ass. I guess you deserved it.

CaptainCrunch_fml 0

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Wednesday 25 February 2009 0:09

Oh my god, I'm trying to hard to not laugh because my roommate is sleeping but that is hilarious! Probably because I always sleep on my arm, and when I wake up and try to scratch my face or something, I always wind up punching myself in the face.

Send a private message

Wednesday 25 February 2009 0:22

Aww, that sucks x(. Whenever it's least convenient for you, or it would take the most effort for you to reach the phone, telemarketers call. It's a known fact. As a matter of fact, I've been there: I was once woken up by the phone ringing when I was home alone, and in my drowsiness, unable to open my eyes even half way, I fell down the stairs trying to get to it. I thought that woke me up a little, so I got off my bruised butt and stumbled into the kitchen to answer the phone, only to find it was a telemarketer. Plus, I'd been so late in getting to the phone, the whole conversation was recorded on my answering machine. I thought I'd done okay with the talking part while it was taking place considering I was half-asleep and aching all over, but realized that I sounded that way too when my parents came home and, with shit-eating grins on their faces, had me listen to the message. My mom almost fell over from laughing so hard. FML

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Wednesday 25 February 2009 0:27

I call bs

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Wednesday 25 February 2009 0:58

Bigtime FAIL, that is!

Dayen 0

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Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:11

rubber arms are the worst. sorry to hear that.

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Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:15

Lmao!!! Omg I hate when that happens!! I thought there was a rapist touching my stomach and I freaked!! I screamed and jumped up and it was my arm.. Lol then my mom came in and thought I was dieing

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 907

You deserved it 120

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 226

You deserved it 295