Today, a completely drunk girl walked across the bar and punched... - FML

By Anonymous - 19/8/2009 22:31 - Canada

Today, a completely drunk girl walked across the bar and punched me in the face because I was wearing the same dress as her, and her boyfriend said it looked better on me. While I was screaming at her for being a stupid bitch, she puked all over me, wiped her mouth and laughed before she passed out. FML

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Double standards

Fairytale ending

Goodbye Bill

By mintyfresh - 29/10/2009 02:54 - United States

Today, I had to lie to my dentist about how often I brush my teeth. I honestly don't remember the last time I did. FML

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By lobotomized - 13/7/2009 03:15 - United States

Today, a couple came into the gas station where I work to ask for directions. While I was giving the woman directions (and even writing them down to be as helpful as possible), the man stole my wallet out of my purse that was sitting on the other end of the counter behind a display. FML

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By superdriver - 7/2/2011 17:46 - Mexico

Today, I was driving with my parents while explaining that young people like myself are better drivers because we have better reflexes. My explanation was suddently interrupted with the sound of me crashing the car against a parked car. FML

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By badmom - 30/1/2018 19:00

Today, I was told that I was a terrible mother, I was ruining my daughter’s life and that I was raising her to be promiscuous. Why? Because I'd painted my 2-year-old’s fingernails. FML

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By mockable - 6/4/2012 11:09 - United States

Today, I was informed that one of my store managers does a "great" impression of me. No one will tell me what it is, but apparently it's really funny. FML

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By wet - 23/4/2011 18:33 - United States

Today, the toilet on the top floor of my house burst, soaked the bathroom, and water dripped down into the kitchen and the basement for hours when nobody was home. Eight blowers and a dehumidifier later, the house is about 90 degrees and I can't leave. FML

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By Candace - 27/1/2010 03:31 - United States

Today, my best friend planned a birthday party for me at the local Mexican restaurant. NO ONE showed up. We told the Mexican waiter there would be 18 arriving. Two hours later he brought me free ice cream. Even the non-english speaking waiters knew I was a loser. FML

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By Hopelesslover - 4/8/2009 21:03 - Malta

Today, I was trying to give my girlfriend an orgasm. While doing so she was lying on her back. I asked her: "How do you like that, baby?". She responded by asking where I bought the false ceiling and spotlights as she thought it would look good in her flat. She got bored instead of excited. FML

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By joeheathen - 13/11/2009 12:57 - United States

Today, I went to the pharmacy to purchase a brace for my sprained wrist. My wife and I had recently ran out of KY lotion, so I decided to pick up a bottle while I was there. It didn't occur to me that these two items could be perceived as being related until the cashier began to giggle. FML

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By Jman6295 - 8/1/2012 00:12 - United States

Today, while helping my father build a shelf, I suggested that we should probably use the instruction manual. He suggested I should probably shut the fuck up and do it his way. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2018 22:00

Today, my lazy, obese mother took the last motor cart at the grocery store. My leg is in a cast. She told me to "use the shopping cart to help with the limp" as she rolled away. FML

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By dynah114 - 27/1/2013 19:08 - Israel - Petah Tiqva

Today, at my cousin's birthday party, my grandma took me to one side, slipped me a pad, and started ranting that tampons "steal your virginity" and that I should never use them. Well, okay then. FML

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By FenderBender - 3/9/2009 04:54 - Canada

Today, I was driving home from work and noticed the car behind me was tailgating me pretty badly. I was starting to get angry with the driver, and kept glancing in my rear view mirror at him. While I was doing so, the traffic ahead of me stopped, and I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2016 05:29

Today, my best friend and I got in a fight, and we have a 3 hour drive back home together. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2016 04:22 - United States - Lewisville

Today, while working at my new job at a surgery center, I noticed how odd it was that the room began to smell like fried chicken. I thought it smelt pretty good, until I learned it was actually the smell of someone getting their ear cauterized. I enjoyed the smell of someone's burning ear flesh. FML

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By simon - 11/1/2018 06:00

Today, my mother, who insists on sticking her nose into every aspect of my life, found out I'm only "middle management" and called my boss to criticize her for undervaluing me, demanding I be promoted immediately. I am now the laughingstock of my office. FML

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By - 27/3/2019 06:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, like everyday, I have to ignore the mould in the bathroom, cat shit stuck to the dining room floor, and dirty dishes in the kitchen courtesy of my never-cleaning sister, but today she bitched at me for being gross and unhygenic for double dipping the ice-cream tub, and everyone agreed. FML

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By rofindie - 7/5/2012 04:12 - United States - Forest Hills

Today, my dad found a couple of coins on the floor next to my desk, and gave me a lecture about how money doesn't grow on trees and how irresponsible I am when it comes to money. They were Chuck E. Cheese tokens. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2011 06:05 - United States

Today, a stoned man tried to break into my house. Naked. FML

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By Happyunlucky - 20/7/2013 06:31 - United States - Andover

Today, I announced my first pregnancy to my family. Not to be outdone, my sister immediately announced that she "might" be getting pregnant soon. My family ended up congratulating her instead, and asked me if I would plan the baby shower. FML

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By scewable - 13/10/2011 07:19 - United States

Today, after getting dumped by my boyfriend, I tried to find comfort in one of my closest friends. He embraced me while I struggled against tears, and after a few moments of silence said, "Hey, you know what? I would fuck you anytime. Anytime." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2014 19:21 - United States - Concord

Today, we went to the wedding of one of my friends. As she was about to throw her bouquet, my boyfriend muttered that if I tried to catch it, we'd be through. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2017 05:00

Today, my little sister, who's still in high school, proved beyond a doubt she's better at my computer repair job than I am. She proved it in front of my customers and my manager, who brushed me aside and offered her a job as soon as she graduates. FML

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By crankg - 21/10/2011 04:57 - United States

Today, my roomie had guests over. I didn't feel like socializing, but I really had to piss. So I pissed in the plant in my room, spilled half of it, mopped it up with an old shirt, and went to bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2015 13:24 - United States

Today, while enjoying a truly epic move from my wife in the hotel shower, I managed to accidentally pull the "grab bar" from the wall and clock her in the side of the head. Three stitches at the Urgent Care later, she's explaining to the entire waiting room how it happened. FML

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By samikai523 - 18/4/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, my sister told me she didn’t want me in her wedding pictures because I looked fat in my bridesmaid's dress. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2009 03:43 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a really bratty little girl. She came and cuddled up on the couch so I took it as an apology. I feel asleep while she was sitting with me and when I woke up she had peed on me. She locked herself in her room and was laughing about peeing on me for discipling her. FML

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By IdiotNursingStudent - 22/9/2014 02:12 - United States - Belton

Today, I was reviewing for a major nursing school exam I have this week. I panicked because none of the material seemed familiar, and figured that I must've missed something during class and now had to catch up. After 4 hours, I finally realized that I'd been studying from the wrong textbook. FML

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By anonymous - 23/3/2009 19:22 - United States

Today, I was having lunch with my sister and my mother. While my mom was busy ordering food, my sister said to me, "look at this face I can make!" and she grossly contorted her face so that she had a double chin. My mother looked over and said to her, "stop making fun of your sister!" FML

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By SezzyJ - 2/10/2009 11:31 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me. Via text. With the iPhone I got him for our anniversary. FML

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By Mel Cluze - 22/10/2019 16:00

Fire!

Today, my girlfriend and I were spending the night at a hotel. We were awoken at 3 a.m. by the fire alarm. We quickly got dressed, went down the stairs to the reception area… and were told that it was a false alarm. All because some jerk lit a cigarette in his room. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2017 08:00 - Australia - Moonee Ponds

Today, my 3-year-old missed the toilet. In the time it took me to get paper towel to clean it up, my one-year-old decided it was the perfect puddle to play in. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2020 23:01

Confinement's gonna be fun

Today, I left the house to get groceries. My parents asked me where I was going and how long I would be gone for. Thinking they were just being inquisitive parents, I ignored them. I got home 20 minutes later to them having sex. FML

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By Sam - 10/10/2017 16:00

Today, I went to my first ultrasound appointment. The daughter I was hoping for is actually going to be boy triplets. FML

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By frustrated - 5/8/2009 20:30 - Ireland

Today, my brother deleted all traces of the novel I've been working on for three years from my laptop. The reason? When I was born I "stole all of Mum and Dad's attention." He's 24. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 06:58 - United States

Today, I was at the theatre with my 4-year-old son who was situated on my lap. Halfway through the movie, he turns to face me and states loudly, "Mommy, your legs are so furry!". Everyone watching the show turned and stared at us. FML

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By flowerman - 26/12/2011 17:56 - United States

Today, I had to drive my girlfriend to the hospital because she had a severe allergic reaction to the flowers I brought her. FML

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By thedancer5 - 3/8/2011 16:47 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by writing a breakup note with permanent marker on my newly painted bedroom wall. FML

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By indian:( - 18/1/2009 21:57 - United States

Today, I realized that I hate lying to my mom about having a boyfriend. FML

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By pleasedie - 7/5/2015 18:00 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I took a shower with my boyfriend. I tried to be adventurous and went to give him a blowjob, only to end up slipping and head-butting him in the balls. FML

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Top comments

By Deemon_Cat | 0

#500274 - Thursday 20 August 2009 1:21

You shoulda beat the shit outta her to top it off ._.

after all, her bf said some other chick looks better in the same dress and she was drunk, I think this is more of a fuck her life.

By Samuraixman | 3

#500331 - Thursday 20 August 2009 1:33

have sex with her boyfriend

Comments

By ohmyword08 | 0

#500219 - Thursday 20 August 2009 1:10

eeeww.
poor you ):

Reply

Lisimal | 7

#500255 - Thursday 20 August 2009 1:17

Instead of lamenting herself, the OP should have beat the shit out of that bitch!

Reply

ninja578 | 0

#500437 - Thursday 20 August 2009 2:09

it is wrong to beet up a drunk person... except in this case, go for it OP

Reply

birds_fml | 7

#500553 - Thursday 20 August 2009 2:58

Poor her, if you had done what you're supposed to do. What you're SUPPOSED to do in that situation is call the cops and have her arrested for assault. They'll probably charge her with public intoxication as well if she's so drunk as to pass out. That's your revenge... she gets jail time.

Reply

The_Chuck_Norris | 0

#500597 - Thursday 20 August 2009 3:18

sound like my girlfriend...wait a minute...Canada?....yup that was my girl.

Reply

lovesthesun | 0

#500629 - Thursday 20 August 2009 3:31

haha agree!
"while i was yelling at her for being a bitch.."
no you should have punched her for being a bitch, then you might have avoided getting puked on

Reply

slasher29 | 0

#500863 - Thursday 20 August 2009 5:20

i dont know 31 there are more times than you think.
oh and 62 and 63 agreed
op eew. could've been worse i guess though. if the boyfriend got pissed for you screaming things could've been a lot nastier

Reply

mo_the_owl | 0

#501087 - Thursday 20 August 2009 7:33

god i hope you're kidding #42.

Reply

lunytunes88 | 0

#503996 - Friday 21 August 2009 5:58

If that were me, the girl would have woken up with her tongue cut off.

Reply

DigitalKnight | 0

#2078787 - Sunday 13 February 2011 19:15

That is good advice.

By Thunderbender | 2

#500232 - Thursday 20 August 2009 1:12

You didnt step on her face why?

Reply

White667 | 0

#501494 - Thursday 20 August 2009 12:20

Surely you then got her boyfriends number?

Reply

Yoshi8466 | 0

#515494 - Wednesday 26 August 2009 2:57

....at least u can take pride in that you are prettier than that bitch! And then take her boyfriend after she passed out.

Reply

insidejokeswithm | 0

#4244611 - Sunday 1 April 2012 6:11

46: Unless OP punched her in the stomach..vomit galore!

By lollipops321 | 0

#500233 - Thursday 20 August 2009 1:12

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

SaintJimmy | 0

#500246 - Thursday 20 August 2009 1:16

Fail.
@OP: That girl was a real bitch. Take comfort in knowing she'll probably drink herself to death before she's 40.

Reply

tpag3r | 0

#500412 - Thursday 20 August 2009 2:01

i hope you realize your 3rd

Reply

lollipops321 | 0

#503947 - Friday 21 August 2009 5:25

i hope you realize we both commented at almost the same time. so when i was commenting, i was first.

Reply

lollipops321 | 0

#505059 - Friday 21 August 2009 18:13

well i mean, i was second lol. i said i was first as in before the other girl. if that makes sense? lol

Reply

chris274 | 8

#3029293 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 14:51

Wow, 3rd! The fact that you got the wrong number is almost as sad as you getting excited at the prospect of getting 2nd on a site/app, Life?

By TheLetterZero | 7

#500249 - Thursday 20 August 2009 1:16

That's when you ruin her dress.

Reply

D0GS_B1T3 | 0

#505199 - Friday 21 August 2009 19:18

I was thinking the same thing! xD

I'm not bulimic, but if I were the OP, I would have stuck my finger down my throat and ruin her dress.

Haha! I'm so rude!

By Deemon_Cat | 0

#500274 - Thursday 20 August 2009 1:21

You shoulda beat the shit outta her to top it off ._.

after all, her bf said some other chick looks better in the same dress and she was drunk, I think this is more of a fuck her life.

By fmh123 | 0

#500279 - Thursday 20 August 2009 1:23

Hey at least you looked better in the dress than her AM i right!

Reply

xianwei | 0

#500355 - Thursday 20 August 2009 1:44

yeah, at least you KNOW you look good in the dress =)

By vooper | 0

#500285 - Thursday 20 August 2009 1:24

Awh damn, that really sucks. You should have kicked her in the face and walked away. I would give you a hug, haha.

By awoodenhouse | 0

#500294 - Thursday 20 August 2009 1:25

ydi for wearing clothes

By Thunderbender | 2

#500295 - Thursday 20 August 2009 1:25

nvm

Reply

cramazing | 0

#503921 - Friday 21 August 2009 5:15

elle ohh elle

Reply

DaDezza244 | 31

#5236624 - Tuesday 11 December 2012 7:34

10 you're an idiot

By Darksect0r13 | 0

#500298 - Thursday 20 August 2009 1:26

i hope you did stuff to her when she was passed out