Today, I've been yawning every few minutes. Which would be fine,...

By Anonymous

Today, I've been yawning every few minutes. Which would be fine, except every couple of yawns my jaw dislocates, and I have to put it back in place. FML

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Health

Compassion

Delayed proposal

Bad boys, bad boys…

By Courtney - United States

Today, I found out my grandmother has severe road rage after she complained about Pennsylvania drivers for over an hour, then decided to rear end one because he wouldn't get out of her way. FML

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By anun - Australia

Today, my girlfriend asked me, "Is it in yet?" FML

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By feelthesting - Mexico - Aguascalientes

Today, I found out that my "mosquito bite" was in fact a jellyfish sting I got in Mexico, which has caused me to break out into horrendous hives in the airport waiting for the flight home. It's okay though, the plane is only delayed for 7 hours. FML

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By Pooper scooper - Guam - Yigo

Today, I realized that my dog has more work experience than I do. He's a retired military working dog, and I have a Master's degree. FML

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By animallover - United States

Today, I found out that my beloved guinea pig has impaction. For the rest of his life it will be my duty to clean out his rectum manually every month, or every week/day if it gets worse. FML

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By Oops - United Kingdom

Today, I was trying to be sexy and rub my boyfriend's un-aroused package while we were watching a movie. I couldn't find it. FML

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By Brad - Canada

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for someone else. An hour earlier I had just gotten permission from her dad to propose. FML

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By justpeachy - United States

Today, I was invited by my boyfriend's parents for dinner at their house. The dinner went well I thought, until I was getting ready to leave. Before I could make it out the front door, I could hear them discussing their disappointment that their son would ever consider someone like me. FML

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By .......... - Canada - Spruce Grove

Today, I found my boyfriend and his friends laughing hysterically and practically choking on popcorn. They were watching a video of me in a school play, trying to sing while sobbing because I'd just pissed my pants in front of 200 people. Thanks for giving him the video, mom. FML

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By Anonymous

Time for a BBQ

Today, my friend hit a bird with her car. She asked me to get it off for her, so I reluctantly complied. It came off. In pieces. FML

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By ShittyKeys - United States

Today, I dropped my keys in the toilet. While in the kitchen looking for something to fish them out with, I heard a door slam. My sister had to use the bathroom and didn’t see my keys in the toilet before sitting down. Lucky me, I caught her just as she was about to flush. FML

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By Gabi - United Kingdom

Today, I spent about half an hour trying to decide whether to buy a top, because even though it was lovely, it was really expensive. Eventually, after deciding to buy it because I could always return it if I changed my mind, I got home and realised I'd left it on the bus. FML

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By Dimples - United States - Sanford

Today, I was at a café with my friends when an elderly man noticed my dimples. He came up to me, stroked them while whispering, "One in a million" then walked out. Now my friends do this to me constantly, even while driving home. I almost hit a tree. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a telemarketer found me so weird that he hung up on me. FML

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By Alice - Australia

Today, I made a fresh juice for a customer. He called the cops because the juice was too acidic for him. He sat in a corner and waited for two hours for them to arrive. Obviously, they didn't turn up. So he yelled at me and left. FML

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By madeyoulaugh - United States

Today, I was watching my 7 year old daughter and her friend jump on our trampoline. I was really impressed by all the flips they were doing, and I told her "Hey! I can't even do that." To that her friend replied " Of course you can't. You're fat!" FML

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By OnlyAvailableID - Australia

Today, I had my first threesome. It was me, my wonderful girlfriend, and her shithead cat after he decided my balls were a bag of catnip and just had to play with. Things ended pretty fast. FML

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By MelanieP - United States

Today, I got a prank call. I now wish he'd call back so I can actually talk to someone. FML

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By Noah

Today, a friend pointed out to me that I bear a striking resemblance to Anne Frank. I'm a 16-year-old guy, and I'm inclined to agree with him. FML

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By Katyness - United Kingdom

Today, the canteen of the company I work for introduced a cash-less payment method to purchase food. To use it, employees must download the app, which is only available for iPhones. I have a BlackBerry. FML

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By Nextman

Today, my coworker, who is constantly singing "Baby Shark," wanted to take selfie for her Instagram account. She moved all the junk from her desk to mine, so her desk would look great in the picture. FML

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By therosalina - United States - Duluth

Today, my dad moved my car onto the street so he wouldn't accidentally back into it while moving our boat. My neighbor backed into it instead. FML

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By anonymous - United States - La Grande

Today, I filled out an application for a job at Dairy Queen. I handed my application to the manager along with my résumé, and he said he'd be in contact with me. Not even five minutes after I left, a friend who works there sent me a picture of my crumpled-up application in the trash. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while at a party, Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" started playing. For being the only one who didn't know the lyrics, I had beer thrown on me, my shirt stolen, and I was locked outside for half an hour. It's below freezing. FML

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By highlandgirl10 - Canada

Today, I brought my boyfriend of a year and a half to meet my parents. Turns out he dated my mom. This should be a fun dinner. FML

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By Watchingmyfigure - United States - Gainesville

Today, I was so hungry and broke that I resorted to drinking salad dressing. FML

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By Anonymous

Corolla Conspiracy

Today, I was talking to one of the advisors at my job about how almost everyone in the workplace who owns a Toyota has strangely been in some sort of car accident in the last year. I happen to have a Toyota. Guess who was rear-ended at an intersection after leaving work. FML

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By Guy - United States - O Fallon

Today, the man who fired me from my job became my stepfather. FML

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By Tee - Australia

Today, I was saying goodbye to my boyfriend before I got on my bus. As I turned to get on, the door closed on my face. I knocked on the door. The driver looked at me, and while still staring at me, drove off. FML

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By darkrebel01 - 21/4/2020 02:00

Caught in the act

Today, I found out how fast my dad's reaction speed is. I was coming downstairs and sat next to my dad on the couch to show him something I did in a class. He was on an adult website and didn't notice I was coming into the room until I was sitting next to him. FML

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By deranged - Ukraine - Pirogov

Today, my girlfriend and I went to the bank to get her new ATM card. As the bank teller gave her the card, he said that the PIN remained the same. Indignant, she cried out, "How do you possibly know my PIN code?" She's 27. FML

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By - 8/2/2020 18:00

Crazy party

Today, I heard that there's a rumour going around that I was caught masturbating while crying at a party after the girl I liked got with someone else. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rocky Point

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend doggy-style. I was getting close when he suddenly blurts out, "Babe, you really need to bleach your asshole." FML

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By enderw - United States

Today, I picked up my 17 years old daughter after a late night movie in down town and got pulled over by a cop. He questioned us for a solicitation. I told the cop that she was my daughter but he said "so you are the daddy" and laughed. Good to know that my daughter looks like a ho and I a perv. FML

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By fffmmll - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend called my vagina "Chewbacca". FML

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By whatsmccraken - Taiwan

Today, I was on a 12 hour trans-Atlantic flight overseas. I asked the flight attendant where this rancid smell was coming from. The guy sitting next to me started laughing, saying, "Sorry, something I ate is not agreeing with me." This was hour 1 of the flight. FML

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By backtothelaundrettethen - Germany

Today, I bought some expensive fabric softener since I'm not too keen on my detergent's smell. Only after washing two weeks worth of laundry did I discover that mixed together they realistically mimic the smell of fresh puke. FML

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By bargainshopper - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, while at a pool party, I found out the reason I got my new, white bikini at such a bargain price; it goes completely transparent when wet. I only realized this after everyone was staring at me and whistling. FML

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By .__. - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my husband and I came clean to his overbearing parents about our private wedding. It started with them accusing him of making rash decisions, and somehow descended into an argument amongst themselves that ended with his mom deciding to divorce his dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, after several years of reforming myself politically, I married a black woman. At the wedding, when the priest asked for objections, one man stood up - the leader of my former Ku Klux Klan chapter. I really should have mentioned that earlier. FML

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Top comments

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7455759 - Tuesday 16 May 2017 17:08

Human snake!!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7455739 - Tuesday 16 May 2017 16:32

That could come in handy if you wanted to eat a cantaloupe whole.

Send pics!

COMMENTS

By Mortimer14 | 9

#7449608 - Friday 5 May 2017 15:45

Vitamin B12 will help with that. Drink plenty of water too.

By Winchesterbride | 9

#7455730 - Tuesday 16 May 2017 16:23

if you shouldn't have already, you should go see a doctor if he could help you maybe.

mitolit | 12

#7456323 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 16:57

Incoherent, very, much confusion.

By dudebmxer | 12

#7455737 - Tuesday 16 May 2017 16:31

Same shit happens to me

By RichardPencil | 28

#7455739 - Tuesday 16 May 2017 16:32

That could come in handy if you wanted to eat a cantaloupe whole.

Send pics!

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7455759 - Tuesday 16 May 2017 17:08

Human snake!!

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7455784 - Tuesday 16 May 2017 18:15

I could be wrong but this sounds like TMJ dislocation.

By TheWhiteDragon | 8

#7455799 - Tuesday 16 May 2017 18:56

I've always wondered: how exactly does one relocate their jaw?

evilplatypus | 38

#7455892 - Tuesday 16 May 2017 21:31

I always had to roll it back and forth, sometimes pushing/massaging with my hands as well.

By Zufallian | 34

#7455855 - Tuesday 16 May 2017 20:45

Mine does this. It'll pop out and in as I yawn and it hurts.

By evilplatypus | 38

#7455890 - Tuesday 16 May 2017 21:30

Been there! TMJ?

By UOFreak07 | 8

#7455977 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 0:09

Try getting some sleep...