Health: Today, I've been yawning every few minutes. Which would be fine,... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, I've been yawning every few minutes. Which would be fine, except every couple of yawns my jaw dislocates, and I have to put it back in place. FML

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There's no helping some people

Trust

RIP in peace

By anon - United States - Edison

Today, I got hit by a car while walking into the hospital to visit my wife, who had also gotten hit by a car. FML

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By fihifgni210 - United States

Today, I decided to go tanning. I went outside and took my top off and laid out in the sun for about an hour. When I was about to go inside a phone rang. It belonged to one of the five men that were working on my roof and watching me the entire time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Midland

Today, while BMXing I felt my chain break loose. I only looked down for a split second, and that's all it took for me to crash into a young scooter kid, breaking not only my own nose and elbow, but both his arms. FML

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By farhia97 - United States

Today, I learned how much it hurts to put a mint up your nose. FML

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By didi - France

Today, at the supermarket everybody was staring at me. After ten minutes, I realized that my umbrella was still open. FML

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By glam300 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend commented on my short skirt and, thinking she was being funny, tried to pull it down. I quickly moved away, causing it to come off in her hands. My shocked scream attracted the attention of at least a dozen bystanders. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my friend when I saw my boyfriend in Victoria's Secret - with another girl. They were joking and laughing, and I was really pissed off. So I stormed into the store and slapped him. He looked up at me with an angry and confused expression. It wasn't my boyfriend. FML

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By Burning Love - United States - Phoenix

Today, I went on a date. As I hugged him, I felt tingles. As a big believer in clichés, I thought it was the tingles of falling in love. Turns out, it was my allergic reaction to his cologne. I now look like I burned my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Nice outing

Today, I decided to treat my girlfriend by eating her out. After a while I thought she was going to cum, but instead she farted in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Carlisle

Today, I performed a piano piece at a school play. Everything went well until I got up and accidentally smashed my shin against one of the piano legs. Before I could bite my tongue, I'd already yelled "Fucking hell!" in front of about 50 second graders. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife changed her facebook status from "married" to "widowed". I'm scared. FML

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By Money-money-money - France

Today, I played a game of Monopoly with my friends. Since I'm of Greek origin, they thought it would be funny to make me start with a €100,000 debt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - East Carondelet

Today, I'm babysitting for kids whose parents said they would be back by 12. Its 4am and they still aren't home. I don't get paid enough for this. FML

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By DogStew

Objects in the rear-view mirror

Today, my obsession with my mean ex-girlfriend returned. It ended 9 years ago. It happened when I started researching self-help. Now, I can’t stop thinking about that selfish piece of shit. FML

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By WasteOfOxygen08

Crockery story

Today, I woke up and headed downstairs ready to do the dishes, when my mom hissed at me to, “go do the dishes!” As I was washing them, my mom stood over me the whole time. She eventually said, “You know, it’s pretty fucking sad that I still have to tell you to do these things.” FML

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By Troy

Mom knows best

Today, my mom offered me a reward if I went out and mowed our lawn. After 45 mins of pushing a lawnmower in 95-degree heat and getting stung by a bee, I go inside and ask my mom for my reward. She comes up to me, gives me a 'loving hug' and says, "Thank you." FML

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By BloodyMarry - United States

Today, on the drive to church, I got a nosebleed. Not so bad, until I sneezed and splattered myself and my fiancé with blood, snot, and eventually tears. FML

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By lmaoLOSER - United States

Today, I got a perfect score on my French quiz, and I was told to have my mom sign it. What I didn't realize was that all the way at the bottom she wrote "Good Nathaly!" and "I love you!" surrounded by little hearts. The teacher hung it up anyway. FML

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By J-Sauce - Canada - Salmon Arm

Today, I went to a club with 6 girls thinking it would be awesome. As soon as we got there, they all said they wanted to go dance and asked if I could watch their purses. FML

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By cherbear1000 - United States - Newville

Today, I put scribbles, lines, shapes and random words on my calendar just to make it seem like I was busy. This isn't the first time. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I'm so poor that I've been scrounging around my house all day trying to find quarters and dimes so that I can buy myself a cup of coffee tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous

What was the point?

Today, four years after my husband passed away, my mother in law thought it was the right time to tell me my husband was cheating on me, and that they had met her and everything. FML

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By more than I wanted to know - Italy - San Giustino

Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk, except it wasn't really a talk, but rather him making me watch a hardcore porn video with him as he commented on what the actors were doing. I had to listen to all this and ignore his obvious erection for almost an hour. FML

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By julesmommy - United States

Today, my husband used our last $2000 to buy himself a motorcycle. It's supposed to "save us a lot on gas money." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and he finished before me. I thought that he was going to try and get hard again so we could continue. Unfortunately, he turned to me and said to me, "Don't worry, I'll re-spawn in a few minutes." I lost it completely. FML

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By Shutup! - United Kingdom - London

Today, the fire alarm keeps going off at my apartment. Not only is the noise ear-piercingly loud enough to wake the entire neighbourhood, there's also a big flashing red light in case the deafening sound isn't enough. This is my day off. It's going on all day. FML

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By Weirdo - United States

Today, I went to church for the first time in my life. They had a Jesus statue at the altar, and I noticed he was surprisingly muscular. Ten minutes later, I had to excuse myself, after I caught myself fantasizing over a crucified Jesus. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, even after recovering and being able to walk again, my dad keeps peeing in a bucket by his bed. He sees nothing wrong with this, even though it smells. FML

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By CoffeeStained - United States - Richmond

Today, I set my cup of coffee down on the stall floor to take care of my business. A hand reached under the stall door and took my coffee. I yelled to give it back, calling them obscene names. Moments later, my fresh coffee came flying over the door. I'm burned from my head to my legs. FML

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By Kit - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He told me he was a dinosaur. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I picked up on a telemarketer and started speaking in Portuguese. It turns out that this particular telemarketer spoke it as well. Every time I hung up, he called back. Telemarketers get really excited when they find out someone else speaks their language. FML

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By BoooMa - 31/3/2021 20:00

Not good enough

Today, my ex-fiancé got married. He left me at the altar last year because the thought of marriage and “taking such a big step” scared him. He’s only been with his new girlfriend for 6 months. Apparently I’m not good enough to marry. FML

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By Marcus - 10/4/2021 02:00 - Norway

Thanks dude

Today, I was driving to work when I had to abruptly brake to avoid a pedestrian who had suddenly jumped into the street. As a consequence, my parking ID was pushed in between the dashboard and the windshield. It is literally impossible to get it out before my shift starts. In other words, I'm going to get fined. FML

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By Rob - United States - Franklin

Today, while looking for some socks in my mom's dresser, I found a male g-string and an edible bra. FML

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By shanti

Today, my husband cracked a "rectum? damn near killed him" joke at my grandfather's funeral. He had genuinely spoken without thinking, but his quick gasp and "Oh shit" sounded quite sarcastic. We were both kicked out. My family thinks I put him up to the whole thing. FML

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By derranged - China

Today, I was the best man at a wedding and I was flirting with a cute bridesmaid. Then this old guy decides to give the newlyweds a toast. He made a crappy joke and barely anybody laughed. So I say to the girl, "Wow that sucked, who the hell does he think he is?" The girl replies, "That's my dad". FML

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By sdauner - United States

Today, I found a $100 bill on the ground and was thinking, "I'm so lucky!!" I opened my wallet to find that $300 was missing. I looked back and saw some guy picking up $300. FML

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By MBean - Anguilla - The Valley

Today, I saw a wasp on the ground, apparently injured and unable to fly. It was being mobbed by ants and looked certain to die, so I stamped on the ants to save its life. At this point it sprung up, stung me, then flew off. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, my husband told me that he never washes his hands after using the bathroom because he thinks it's only for "paranoid people". FML

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By HaroldLames - 1/3/2021 11:01

What have you got yourself into?

Today, the court is unable to allow me to divorce my wife because she is pregnant with our child. I have to wait until AFTER the baby is born, so that she is born inside of a marriage and not be an "illegitimate child". I was planning to move out of our house to go live with my high school sweetheart this weekend. FML

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Top comments

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7455759 - Tuesday 16 May 2017 17:08

Human snake!!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7455739 - Tuesday 16 May 2017 16:32

That could come in handy if you wanted to eat a cantaloupe whole.

Send pics!

COMMENTS

By Mortimer14 | 9

#7449608 - Friday 5 May 2017 15:45

Vitamin B12 will help with that. Drink plenty of water too.

By Winchesterbride | 9

#7455730 - Tuesday 16 May 2017 16:23

if you shouldn't have already, you should go see a doctor if he could help you maybe.

Reply

mitolit | 12

#7456323 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 16:57

Incoherent, very, much confusion.

By dudebmxer | 12

#7455737 - Tuesday 16 May 2017 16:31

Same shit happens to me

By RichardPencil | 30

#7455739 - Tuesday 16 May 2017 16:32

That could come in handy if you wanted to eat a cantaloupe whole.

Send pics!

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7455759 - Tuesday 16 May 2017 17:08

Human snake!!

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7455784 - Tuesday 16 May 2017 18:15

I could be wrong but this sounds like TMJ dislocation.

By TheWhiteDragon | 8

#7455799 - Tuesday 16 May 2017 18:56

I've always wondered: how exactly does one relocate their jaw?

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evilplatypus | 38

#7455892 - Tuesday 16 May 2017 21:31

I always had to roll it back and forth, sometimes pushing/massaging with my hands as well.

By Zufallian | 34

#7455855 - Tuesday 16 May 2017 20:45

Mine does this. It'll pop out and in as I yawn and it hurts.

By evilplatypus | 38

#7455890 - Tuesday 16 May 2017 21:30

Been there! TMJ?

By UOFreak07 | 8

#7455977 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 0:09

Try getting some sleep...