Miscellaneous: Today, I turned 18. My parents got me a pineapple and a pair... - FML

By ShellShocked - 30/03/2013 04:06 - United States

Today, I turned 18. My parents got me a pineapple and a pair of socks. I'm allergic to pineapple, and the socks are too small. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 749

You deserved it 3 054

Age difference

Hiding from the drama

Caught

By Mattyboy - 24/08/2009 09:57 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend at her house. When things started heating up, I heard the front door open and my girlfriend said that it must be her Dad. She handed me my clothes, pushed me out the window, and told me to knock at the front door. Her Dad answered, holding my shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 730

You deserved it 18 528

By I already have one, thanks - 09/08/2014 05:59 - Australia - Mosman

Today, at the bank, some poor bastard got brutally dumped in front of everyone, prompting some total spastic behind me to cough and mockingly say "Loser!" The guy thought I'd said it, and started shoving me around and threatening to tear me a new asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 247

You deserved it 3 070

By 5.9Cummins - 11/09/2011 03:18 - Canada

Today, the hillbillies who inhabit the apartment above mine got karaoke machine. It's 1 a.m. and they're singing Achy Breaky Heart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 226

You deserved it 3 405

By thatsucks - 30/12/2010 09:39

Today, I told my best friend that I liked him and have liked him for a long time. His response was "That's cool. So, when did you get a cat?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 072

You deserved it 4 621

Sounds wholesome…

By Anonymous - 09/10/2020 08:04

Today, my grandmother told me that my grandfather was a great man, and that he did a lot for the state of Ohio. When I got home, I googled him. He was the leader of one of the biggest KKK groups in America. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 499

You deserved it 112

By nick - 24/12/2010 02:21 - United States

Today, the horn in my car decided to malfunction. It honked continuously for an hour as I drove down the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 360

You deserved it 2 987

By Anonymous - 02/08/2019 02:00

Spicy

Today, my husband and I were having sex. It was stormy outside, and when lightning flashed through the window, he screamed like a little girl and scrambled off the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 848

You deserved it 263

By hmdge1 - 10/06/2015 03:21 - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Today, I found out that my boss of 2 years not only doesn't know my name, but calls me "Jew hair" behind my back because of my natural ringlets. This man determines all of my career progression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 159

You deserved it 1 864

By katgib13 - 10/03/2015 22:38 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I was stopped in the grocery store by a stranger, who berated me, quite loudly, for going out in public in my pajamas. I had just gotten off work and was wearing scrubs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 281

You deserved it 2 295

By munchkin - 26/10/2009 06:35 - France

Today, I ran into a car. I suffered a concussion and broke my nose. I wasn't driving. I walked right into it. It was parked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 826

You deserved it 42 410

By Socialidiot - 22/06/2019 04:35

Today, my girlfriend was watching an online video by some vegan girl with a bad fringe talking about bulk buying food to stay healthy. My immediate remark was, "Bulk buy a new fringe, bitch." It went very quiet before my girlfriend replied, "That's my sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks 970

You deserved it 2 060

Sometimes, family shouldn't stick together

By Anonymous - 21/05/2021 07:59

Spicy

Today, I learned that my family only came to the state I live in because my great grandfather was caught molesting his own children. He was never convicted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 925

You deserved it 44

So, it is not immoral ?

By Anonymous - 17/11/2019 01:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, my parents were arguing about their relationship. My mom, who is very Christian, yells at my dad for watching porn. My dad responds, "Of course I watch porn, I've told you! I have shown you!" He is also the one who stressed to me at a very young age that porn is immoral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 823

You deserved it 157

Thanks, I hate it

By anonymous - 25/08/2016 02:33 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I got a brand new down comforter and duvet cover that I really liked. I'd finally managed to put everything the way I wanted it, and then my roommate's dog came and peed all over my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 826

You deserved it 887

By Gob - 16/01/2009 14:36 - United States

Today, while waiting for class, I let out a huge fart in front of everyone thinking no one would hear it over the music. I was wearing headphones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 804

You deserved it 42 566

Good morning

By JohnX - 25/09/2021 08:00

Today, I woke up early in the morning after sleeping 3 hours. Stepped into the kitchen and made myself a cup of coffee like usual. I was sipping my hot coffee while studying, until I noticed a small roach skeleton. I found 3 more in my coffee maker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 858

You deserved it 134

By disappointed - 23/07/2012 01:05

Today, I got to live my life's dream of going whale watching. Apparently my true life's dream was to get extremely seasick, sunburned to a crisp, and pay $60 to see only seagulls in the end. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 227

You deserved it 4 191

By lilrudegirl - 22/06/2010 02:12 - France

Today, I found out that after working in the same office for five years, I now work with three of my husband's ex-girlfriends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 249

You deserved it 3 301

By muffin - 10/05/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, I wanted to look really good for my date. I was a little self-conscious, so I decided to use Nair on my upper lip just in case I had a female mustache. Unfortunately, it turns out I'm allergic to Nair. Now I DO have a mustache. A rash mustache. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 877

You deserved it 16 558

By JustADream - 24/02/2011 06:29 - United States

Today, I woke up and went to the bathroom and took a massive piss. Then I actually woke up, well and truly soaked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 506

You deserved it 9 451

By Jailbird - 09/06/2017 17:00 - United States - Redmond

Today, I took a group of teens with me to hang up posters for our church's yard sale. Because it's summer, we went out at dusk to beat the heat. Someone called the cops on us, and we were arrested for "gang activity". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 217

You deserved it 540

That's quite a gamble, sir

By Enrique - 29/04/2021 23:01

Today, I called off my engagement because I fell in love with my best friend of 10 years since we recently reconnected. I confessed my feelings to her and asked her out. She rejected me and said she only sees me as a friend. Now I’m completely single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 215

You deserved it 2 574

By mellbelle32 - 11/07/2009 05:06 - United States

Today, my visiting cousin was driving me to pick-up and pay for my wedding cake at the bakery. The cops pulled him over for speeding and as it turns out his license was expired. I ended up having to use my wedding cake money to bail him out of jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 097

You deserved it 3 476

Sprain in the ass

By Anonymous - 04/07/2021 16:02

Today, after two months of recovering from a sprained ankle, the doctor told me I was fully healed. On the way to my car from the doctor's, I stepped on some leaves, which were covering a small hole. A hole big enough for me to trip on and give me another sprained ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 916

You deserved it 96

By Anonymous - 24/07/2015 16:05 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I'm grieving over the death of my best friend of 9 years. My mom wasted no time arriving at the conclusion that I must be hormonal and pregnant with his child. Apparently it's not normal for a woman to cry so much over a man, unless they've been fucking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 943

You deserved it 1 942

By ThirteenThirteen - 01/04/2015 22:09 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I was sent the script to a play I'm participating in at school. After reading it a couple of times, I noticed that my part has been forgotten completely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 896

You deserved it 2 020

By Anonymous - 01/10/2015 12:16 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I saw my ex boyfriend walking down the street in my direction. I've put on a bunch of weight since we broke up, so I turned to look in the nearest shop window, hoping he wouldn't notice. Unfortunately he did see me, looking straight at a KFC. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 332

You deserved it 6 665

By justno - 03/08/2018 19:00

Today, my best friend of 10 years blocked me for no reason. When I went to her house to ask why she did it and apologize for whatever it was, she told me to kill myself and slammed the door. I still don't know what I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 047

You deserved it 307

By docwinters - 27/05/2013 12:39 - Australia - Bathurst

Today, my partner and I were cuddling on the couch, watching TV when she smiled and murmured, "You smell like my dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 105

You deserved it 4 978

By tallguy - 29/08/2013 13:40 - Australia - North Adelaide

Today, I finally received the bicycle I ordered months ago. It was an expensive custom-made bike which perfectly fit my 6'9" frame. Today, that bike got stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 513

You deserved it 4 380

By that1guy - 14/03/2009 18:25 - United States

Today, My girlfriend who I've been dating for over a year was going to Florida for a short trip with a few friends without me since I couldn't get work off. She asked me to put her iPod in her bag for her as she was almost ready to walk out the door. Thats when I saw she packed 10 condoms with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115 832

You deserved it 6 291

By FailBear - 29/01/2009 21:34 - United States

Today, I found a guy getting out of my car with my GPS. He started running and I chased him. We eventually reached a dead end and he gave it back to me. I took it back from him and said, "Sorry..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 546

You deserved it 6 859

By Anonymous - 02/12/2009 08:51 - United States

Today, I found out that the person sending me secret love letters was actually my dad, who felt sorry for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 140

You deserved it 3 662

By Anonymous - 18/01/2012 11:30 - Australia

Today, I drove into a cluster of dustbins thanks to my dozy cat who'd managed to get into my car, fall asleep, and wake up while I was driving to work. I lost control when I was startled by him staring at me in the rear-view mirror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 426

You deserved it 5 483

By 2pale - 01/11/2015 18:22 - United States - Humble

Today, after years of difficulty, I finally found the perfect shade of foundation that matches my ultra-pale complexion. It's called "Death Flesh." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 382

You deserved it 2 339

By Anonymous - 27/02/2013 17:36 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend where he went to lunch. He said he went to Wendy's. I teased him and asked if he got tired of eating burgers and Frosty's all the time. His response? "What? No, I mean at Wendy's. You know, the hot girl from work?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 188

You deserved it 6 557

By blondebarbie271 - 26/07/2015 23:55 - United States - Center Barnstead

Today, I had to bail my ex-husband out of jail. He didn't want his new wife to get mad at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 284

You deserved it 14 403

By TriangularBanana - 10/12/2016 22:50 - United States - Houston

Today, I babysat my little cousin. He thought that a glue stick would have the same effect as chapstick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 732

You deserved it 733

By konens_dick - 22/03/2009 10:38 - United States

Spicy

Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 276 156

You deserved it 36 993

By merchgirl - 14/11/2016 10:31 - United States - Arlington

Today, my mother-in-law scheduled her neck surgery for the same day our baby is being born. She also fully expects my husband to drive her to the hospital and stay for her recovery. Uh, yeah no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 551

You deserved it 1 058

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Saturday 30 March 2013 12:33

I guess you're a free elf now.

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Saturday 30 March 2013 12:23

Happy Birthday OP:) congrats on making it to 18!

Comments

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Saturday 30 March 2013 12:23

Happy Birthday OP:) congrats on making it to 18!

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Saturday 30 March 2013 22:03

This is a wonderful age OP! 18 rocks. Happy birthday! Go out with your friends and have a blast. :)

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Sunday 31 March 2013 5:27

I'm loving the optimism in this thread. I'm actually guessing that the parents are going to surprise OP. Fly OP somewhere tropical, where the socks, that are too small, won't be needed anyways and there are pineapples galore :-). They are clues. In a week to a month, we will be reading an FML that says, "Today, my parents are taking me on vacation to a place I've always wanted to go. I've been mad at them since my 18th birthday because they gave me a pineapple and socks that were too small. FML!"

catlover5299 18

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Tuesday 17 May 2016 21:49

OP was allergic to pineapple, so wouldn't going to a tropical area with lots of pineapples be harmful? (op I feel you as I'm allergic to pineapples also)

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Saturday 30 March 2013 12:23

Happy birthday op!

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Saturday 30 March 2013 12:23

They want you out of their house.

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Saturday 30 March 2013 12:24

It sounds like they really want you to have a good night tonight! The pineapple is so that you can drink five shots of 'Red Dragon,' wake up the next day hungover and wonder about the 'pineapple incident" and the socks aren't for your feet!

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Saturday 30 March 2013 12:32

Awkward moment when the drinking age in America is 21 invalidating your comment

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Saturday 30 March 2013 12:36

Somehow I don't think everyone waits until they are 21 to start drinking.

UtterCatastrophe 4

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Saturday 30 March 2013 12:40

Vomit-free since '93!

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Saturday 30 March 2013 12:41

Yea completely agree but I don't think it would be the parents main focus to get their kid wasted enough to be hung over the next day?

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Saturday 30 March 2013 12:44

It wasn't to be taken at face value; it's just a reference made jokingly and the implications should be neglected.

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Saturday 30 March 2013 13:42

Stuff the pineapple into the socks, set it alight and leave it on the doorstep.

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Saturday 30 March 2013 16:20

Make sure you tell the girl you wake up to that you aren't married before she climbs out the window

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Saturday 30 March 2013 12:32

Play with their minds. Say "Thanks mom and dad! I was so worried that you wouldn't understand my pineapple fetish. And now you give me socks as well, I wont have to mess up my sheets. Do you have some lotion I could use? I'll call you when I'm done for fruit salad" Good luck with that. Maybe next time you will get something more practical for you.

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Saturday 30 March 2013 12:33

I guess you're a free elf now.

skellingtonfart 18

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Saturday 30 March 2013 12:37

Hahaha, excellent.

Rumbelle_fml 22

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Saturday 30 March 2013 20:39

#8, you are an A+ human. Stay awesome.

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Saturday 30 March 2013 23:16

10, 59, thanks. :D

jrsyshoregirl86 27

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Saturday 30 March 2013 23:36

& now can live alone under the sea like spongebob

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Saturday 30 March 2013 12:41

First thought that came to mind: they want you to be like Spongebob.

SomeRandomGuy15 18

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Saturday 30 March 2013 21:37

They also ordered a snail and a spatula, but they have yet to arrive.

freakinfantastic 9

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Saturday 30 March 2013 12:42

Welcome to adulthood where things don't always go how you want.

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Sunday 31 March 2013 0:59

Yes, but I think adulthood is supposed to go better than having parents who would give you food you're allergic to for your birthday.

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Saturday 30 March 2013 12:42

There are stories like this all the time "it was my birthday today and all I got was a packet of gum and my sister got a three bed detached house and a new car so she wouldn't feel left out" "I turned 21 today and my mum held me down while my dad punched me in the face for my present". Seriously who the fuck are these parents? I'm not saying this isn't true but what is wrong with your parents?!

btstig 11

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Sunday 31 March 2013 15:02

The pineapple is a form of telling a person that they had over stayed their welcome, without being rude and saying it to their face. The socks are from Harry Potter signaling that said child is now set free. Wake the fuck up and realize that some parents are cool as shit.

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Saturday 30 March 2013 12:43

"Master has given Dobby a sock. Dobby is free." Somehow, the image of Dobby holding a sock and a pineapple came into my head when I read this. Sorry for you, OP, but it IS kind of funny.

Nearly

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56

You deserved it 3

Today, my girlfriend called off our plans to get married, all because I didn't “make enough time” while I was busy renovating the house for her parents to come over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 148

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 172

You deserved it 448

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 571

You deserved it 717