Miscellaneous: Today, my parents gave me a sock and card for my eighteenth birthday.... - FML

By Anonymous - 16/10/2012 01:19 - United States - Evansville

Today, my parents gave me a sock and card for my eighteenth birthday. The card said, "Now that Dobby is free, get out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 625

You deserved it 3 914

Broken heart

Late term

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Free healthcare for all

By Anonymous - 07/03/2021 02:00

Today, I learned that my MS medication is going to cost 25k a month. My insurance won't cover a cent. I don't even make that much in a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 344

You deserved it 54

By Soaked - 31/07/2009 17:21 - United States

Today, there was a 10-minute cloudburst. It started 30 seconds after I parked my car and ended 30 seconds after I arrived at the office. Now the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and I look like I took a shower fully clothed. Oh, and I'm wearing thin white pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 149

You deserved it 7 985

In shape

By emmy - 01/04/2021 14:01

Today, even after months of vigorous exercise and diet in an attempt to gain muscle, I have not gained any muscle. Instead, my body is putting fat into the one part of my body I can’t work out: my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 819

You deserved it 73

Clubbing

By Anonymous - 26/11/2012 13:30 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Spicy

Today, my parents told me that they had joined a local club. Proud of them for going out of their comfort zone to make new friends, I googled the name of the club. I'm sure they'll make some lifelong friends at their first swingers club meet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 682

You deserved it 3 228

By frenchpop1960 - 23/02/2009 21:58 - United States

Today, I was over at my boyfriend's house and I heard a strange sound. I laughed and said, "It sounds like a dog throwing up!" He listened for a second and said "That's my mom crying downstairs." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 332

You deserved it 41 770

By faen - 29/11/2012 21:12 - Norway - Marifjora

Today, Muse cancelled their upcoming show in Oslo. I bought my sold-out tickets on the black market for double the retail price, and have no way of getting my money back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 049

You deserved it 40 898

By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 13:18 - Sweden

Today, my cute co-worker asked if he could use my computer. I told him my password and went to the bathroom. When I came back he said he'd finished. I tried to log in, but my password wouldn't work. I then noticed a post-it note on the desk saying, "Stop stalking me and I'll change the password back." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 955

You deserved it 40 997

By Anonymous - 29/07/2012 05:27 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I learned that if you go through your best friend's phone, you can find sexy texts and nude pictures between him and your girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 909

You deserved it 5 048

By Anonymous - 19/05/2019 14:15

Today, I walked into work on time, went into my office, sat down and turned on the computer. After working for about 4 hours, my wife called and told me to look at the clock on my computer. I put it off until after lunch, when I realized today is Sunday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 567

You deserved it 1 253

By foreveralone - 09/06/2015 15:15 - Australia - Perth

Today, someone finally told me that they couldn't live without me and that they love me more than anything. It was a student in my year 1 class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 218

You deserved it 2 210

By leaf hater - 17/11/2011 12:43 - United States

Today, my elderly neighbor used his snowblower to send all of the fallen leaves in his yard into mine, which I'd raked earlier that morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 897

You deserved it 2 359

By Uknowwh - 04/11/2009 01:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend and the guy I had a crush on for 2 years are getting married. The worst part is that they've been dating for 2 years in secret, and just came out about it now. I've been telling her for 2 years how much I like him, and she's encouraged me the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 165

You deserved it 4 108

By groom - 12/12/2008 02:30 - France

Today, I cut my nice and tasty home-made sandwich in half to give to a homeless man. He tasted it, pulled an unimpressed face, and then stuck it in his pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 417

You deserved it 3 106

Hashtag ForeverAlone

By Forever Alone - 16/05/2019 06:14

Today, I was so happy to hear my phone go "Ding" that I jumped for joy out of my couch. It was actually a character on my TV getting a text. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 637

You deserved it 268

Spotted

By Bec99 - 19/04/2020 17:00

Today, the pimples on my face are finally clearing up. They seem to have migrated to my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 553

You deserved it 126

By JerseyGirl - 04/09/2009 16:52 - United States

Today, I went out to my car to run some errands. It wouldn't start. I called AAA, only to find out my battery wasn't dead, it was stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 919

You deserved it 2 854

Better out than in

By Anonymous - 20/05/2020 02:00

Today, I had the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my lower right abdomen. I was doubled over and vomiting it hurt so bad. After going to the E.R., thinking it was my appendix and getting checked in, I let out the biggest most rancid fart in my life and the pain immediately went away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 813

You deserved it 355

By Anonymous - 03/10/2015 07:00 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, at the swimming pool, I thought it'd be funny to sneak up on my 5-year-old daughter underwater and surprise her. I grabbed her by the sides, and she shrieked. A moment later, a brown cloud erupted from her swimsuit. Cue screaming and a mass panic from the other kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 036

You deserved it 12 454

By hdgyfjdzdfg - 16/04/2012 06:53 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I smell like his grandma's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 006

You deserved it 4 888

The name of that old man?

By thisblows - 11/04/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, I was at a professional hockey game. I wasn't paying attention and a puck was shot into the stands and hit me in the face. My mouth was bleeding and I lost two teeth. As I was trying to cough up my teeth the old man next to me shoved me over and stole the puck. Everyone cheered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 077

You deserved it 5 561

By Dammit... - 20/11/2010 02:45 - United States

Today, my mom told my dad to get me extra absorbent pads, very loudly, in a crowded mall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 194

You deserved it 3 665

By Pierced - 30/05/2017 18:00

Today, my mother accused me of getting another lip piercing done on the sly to spite her. She finally realised I have more than one and won't believe I've always had two. Thanks for noticing, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 038

You deserved it 412

By No thanks - 11/12/2014 12:08 - United States

Today, I was sitting on a fence watching a friend play soccer. He accidentally kicked the ball at my face and made me fall off the fence into mud. I laughed it off and got back on the fence. Two seconds later he did the same exact thing. I fell wrong and slammed my face into the fence. Pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 006

You deserved it 5 974

By Anonymous - 24/07/2009 06:31 - United States

Today, I opened some small cute birthday gifts at my boyfriend's house. As we left to go out, he slipped me a Tiffany box and said he wanted me to open it in private. Flushed and excited, I open it to find a ziploc filled with hair. It was his mustache I had been begging him to shave for months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 699

You deserved it 20 387

By Anonymous - 13/04/2016 08:25

Today, I woke up in hospital after a night of heavy drinking. My friends told me I was beat up by the doorman. After going to the club to watch the security footage, it was revealed I actually fell on my face trying to fight, and caused more damage to myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 523

You deserved it 11 320

Wasting away

By Anonymous - 13/09/2021 19:59 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I keep trying to use the Meetup app to meet people, but life keeps trolling me, and every event I even attempt to join (all virtual so far) has been met with no social interaction. It feels like life keeps hammering in the idea that I should just sit in my room and atrophy away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 753

You deserved it 89

By Money Shot - 15/07/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, I was sunbathing by my pool, totally naked. After a while I got a boner and decided to jerk off. As I was about to finish, I rolled over to cum on the deck, but when I rolled back, my elderly neighbor yelled, "Don't do that in the open if you won’t give up the money shot." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 262

You deserved it 8 914

Noisy lover

By Foxy17 - 05/08/2020 05:01

Spicy

Today, the new heart medication I take makes it hard for me to get an erection. It also gives me gas. My wife is getting sick of me farting when we're finally able to screw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 622

You deserved it 130

By Insomniac - 28/07/2012 09:56 - United States - Wasilla

Today, after rolling my car on the highway, I witnessed several people stop and get out of their cars to take pictures. No one asked if I was okay, and I was the one who had to call 911 for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 532

You deserved it 2 440

By NickDrakeFan - 29/10/2013 01:57 - United States

Today, I overcame my stage fright and got up in front of a café audience with my acoustic guitar to sing a few of my songs. Some asshat kept yelling stuff like "NEEDS MORE COWBELL!" and "FREEBIRD!", which made me lose my nerve and flee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 616

You deserved it 4 535

By Mattrd - 05/02/2013 00:42 - United States

Today, my co-worker told me that I need to quit smoking because it was making me look and smell horrible. I've never smoked in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 638

You deserved it 3 915

By riya - 29/09/2018 05:00

Today, I had the worst day of my life. I'd studied science for the whole damn night, only to realize the next morning that it's a math exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 138

You deserved it 2 987

#humblebrag

By Burst a Valve - 26/02/2017 18:00 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I learned there is such a thing as "too much sex". After a full week of having sex at least twice a day with my girlfriend, I had to go to the GP due to a painful erection and swelling. The constant sex had caused me to burst a blood vessel in my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 505

You deserved it 2 826

By DeathbyWording - 29/04/2016 17:05 - United States - Vernon

Today, my doctor said I "might" have an enlarged heart and an irregular heartbeat. It "could" be seriously life-threatening and I "should" go to a specialist for further tests. My insurance refuses to cover my consultation with the specialist because the doctor's wording is too uncertain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 357

You deserved it 1 270

Treat your pets properly!

By Anonymous - 23/10/2019 19:00 - United States - Portland

Today, I had an argument with my dad about how Alpo dog food is trash and is why his dog keeps having terrible farts and diarrhea. My dad refuses to believe me, so now I'm always scrubbing vile, smelly, mucous-laden dog diarrhea out of the carpet. I'm a pet nutritionist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 820

You deserved it 155

By anon mom - 12/05/2016 00:06 - United States - Manassas

Spicy

Today, my 9 year-old daughter had really bad constipation. When I took her to the doctor, he had to 'break it up' with a gloved finger, and then he sent me home with directions on how to administer an enema. I do not recommend trying to give an enema to a kid that doesn't want one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 664

You deserved it 953

By Anonymous - 23/05/2012 20:38 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was to give a presentation to several of my company's senior employees. The moment I stood up, I accidentally let rip a monstrous fart that lasted a good two or three seconds. When I tried to utter an apology, I clammed up and let out a whiny grunt. They were not amused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 809

You deserved it 5 156

By Michelle C - 26/01/2009 03:44 - United States

Today, I saw a homeless man asking for money for food. Not wanting to give him money so he'd spend it on booze, I decided to buy him a full big mac meal from McDonalds. When I went to hand it to him, he quickly waved his hand, denying it saying, "Thanks but I'm a vegetarian". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 673

You deserved it 5 517

By woahitbechels - 25/04/2011 01:10 - United States

Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 945

You deserved it 12 582

By hborkowski - 27/12/2012 04:03 - United States - Asheville

Today, I went to a urinal next to an elderly gentleman. As I was doing my business, he zips up and begins to leave. On his way out, he leans over my shoulder and whispers in my ear, "That's nice". FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 689

You deserved it 3 194

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 9:14

I like your parents :p

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 9:14

At least they used a good reference, right?

Comments

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 9:14

I like your parents :p

PrimeEvilTahir 24

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 9:23

Are you a Weasely? Your dp look awfully familiar to them ;-)

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 9:24

I'll take that as a compliment! ;)

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 12:55

I thought, at the start, this fml was going in a completely different direction.

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 13:05

OP is now free and has a masturbation sock! That's a plus 1 for you!

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 14:11

55- They wanted him to go, not come.

NeonPopRocks 14

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 0:03

58- Now I know why Dobby loves socks.....

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 2:12

They sound like they have quite the sense of humor. To me anyways

FATTY_MCDOOGLE 29

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Monday 22 October 2012 21:58

They seem like nice people.

JocelynKaulitz 28

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 9:14

Yay! You're not a slave anymore! Congrats!

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 12:55

Now OP won't end up like Kreacher!

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 4:54

That was from Zack Braff saying when I turn 18 I'm telling my parents Dobby dosent have to listen to you Dobby Is free

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 9:14

At least they used a good reference, right?

PrimeEvilTahir 24

Tuesday 16 October 2012 9:15

Parents can be such assholes. Sorry OP. you can thank them by putting them in the old home once they become old and weak.... Dobby be good... Dobby kill master. *evil grin*

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 9:19

Dobby never meant to kill. Dobby only meant to maim or seriously injure.

Scarshadow101 6

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Thursday 18 October 2012 1:20

Woah there. Parents aren't assholes, and saying so is EXTREMELY disrespectful. OP's parents probably want OP to go independent and care for her/himself. This doesn't mean that they're assholes or deserve to be dumped in an old folk's home. I agree that they may have been a little brisk with the way they broke it to OP, but I'm sure they meant well. OP, good luck with that. And your parents have some sense of humour.

SApprentice 34

Tuesday 16 October 2012 9:16

I'm so sorry OP, because your parents are kicking you out, but that is the funniest thing I have read all day. Your parents are very creative.

turkturkington 13

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 9:18

Wear that sock with pride and strut out that door. Ignore questions regarding single sock on foot from general public. Be proud of your new life. On the other hand, if you don't want to move out, hide the sock. In fact, burn all the socks in the house. They'll be dead confused, it'll be great.

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 10:57

Now Dobby can wear his odd mixture of clothes! The children's football shorts, the odd socks, the tea cosy, and Ron's maroon sweater!

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 9:18

Who knew a card could containe so much win?

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 9:21

*contain I have absolutely no idea how you made that mistake.

onlychildFTW 33

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 9:29

Maybe he meant "could have contained so much..."

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 9:29

My finger hit the "E" right before I sent.

chriswright1888 10

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 9:19

Yay! Dobby is free! Now get a job.

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 17:33

Go to hogwarts in work in the kitchen!

MakeTodayADTR 20

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 9:19

I don't see why so many people complain about their parents on here, they all seem to have great senses of humor. :) I wish my parents were that creative :P

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 17:24

You don't know that jokes can be used to hurt people?

Ugi 26

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Thursday 18 October 2012 13:39

It nice to have both but being a supportive parent might be better than being creative in your lack of support!

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 9:20

Lmao! You just made my day! Lol

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 16

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 565

You deserved it 164

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 143

You deserved it 2 727