Animals: Today, I took my dogs to the park and sat in the grass while...

By JustWantedToRelax - 10/05/2016 02:27 - United States

Today, I took my dogs to the park and sat in the grass while they played. Within the first half hour two male dogs peed on my back. The first owner apologized and gave me a wipe to clean up while the second one had the nerve to tell me "this is why I bring a chair" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 757

You deserved it 1 466

Animals

Taking stock

Cutting corners

Get me out of here

By Anonymous - 12/03/2014 03:34 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 3-year-old son discovered his testicles. When I asked him what they were, he replied, "They're my balls! They make my winkie happy!" Now he won't quit singing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 831

You deserved it 6 096

By Greymoya - 24/02/2010 14:18 - United States

Today, I was very sick, and my boyfriend was taking care of me at his parents' house. I was laying on the couch, innocently watching a movie while he rubbed my feet, when his stepmother came home from work. She freaked out, accused us of having it off on her couch, and kicked me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 553

You deserved it 2 573

By Anonymous - 24/01/2012 20:22 - United States

Today, I didn't have plans on shaving my pubic hair. My girlfriend's braces thought otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 658

You deserved it 40 014

By WorkerBee - 17/03/2019 02:00

Today, I found out I didn't get accepted into a program I was nominated to attend at work that all other applicants with less experience than myself did. I found out when they asked if I had gotten the acceptance email. They didn't even bother telling me I was rejected. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 975

You deserved it 157

By Anonymous - 21/08/2014 15:37 - United States

Today, I talked to a girl I like. I tried to make her jealous by telling her I had a "thing" going with another girl. She looked deeply into my eyes and said, "Wait, aren't you gay?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 138

You deserved it 17 792

By Flighted - 22/09/2012 04:54 - Canada - Georgetown

Today, I had to suffer through a four hour flight beside my ex. Yesterday, I proposed, on the last day of our vacation. She said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 555

You deserved it 3 035

By dangit - 11/09/2011 05:58 - United States

Today, I went to interview with potential new roommates at a cooperative living house. I decided to bake cookies for everyone, and while touring the house, I forgot about the cookies and set off a small oven fire. All this after professing how responsible I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 972

You deserved it 14 183

By Anonymous - 02/06/2015 15:23 - United States - Austin

Today, I was riding my newly trained horse. I've recently been suffering from bad gas, and ended up farting so violently, it spooked my horse into bucking me off and running away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 180

You deserved it 5 500

By Anonymous - 09/08/2009 00:02 - United States

Today, my mom went snooping through my art bin to "clean out my old drawings". She found numerous nude pieces and accused me of selling porn. My mom mistook and threw out 57 anatomy practice sketches that I worked very very hard on, and ripped up the remainder of my drawings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 955

You deserved it 3 524

By Username - 12/09/2010 14:46 - France

Today, I went to a gay club with my supportive straight best friend to find me a date. Somehow, she managed to go home with a guy and I'm still decidedly single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 957

You deserved it 6 490

By donuts678 - 16/08/2015 23:37 - United States - Passaic

Today, at the camp that I work at, a little girl asked to "feel" my muscles. Thinking it was cute, I flexed for her. She laughed and said, "No, really." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 231

You deserved it 8 190

By Anonymous - 03/09/2012 17:16 - United States - Pensacola

Today, I went out clubbing with a few friends. A cute guy pointed at me from the bar and motioned for me to come over. I was excited and did just that. Turns out he just wanted to ask me if I'd thought about seeing a doctor for my jaundice. No, I just overdid my spray tan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 342

You deserved it 32 958

By LGFLIPSTER - 31/08/2009 03:32 - Canada

Today, I was strolling past an old women when from behind she called "can you help me get the rest of the groceries out of the car?" I approached the car, and helped her un-load bags. She began hitting me, screaming "SOMEONE IS STEALING MY THINGS". She was actually asking her son in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 653

You deserved it 6 538

That went well

By Gigi - 02/07/2021 13:59

Today, my now ex-fiancé walked out on me on our wedding day. He decided his best female friend, whom he constantly told me not to worry about while we were together, is his "soulmate." Both of them ran away together to god knows where, while I stood there humiliated in front of our family and friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 309

You deserved it 73

By superfiedman - 04/08/2009 08:40 - United States

Today, I came home at noon from a long night out. I was surprised to see a woman I didn't recognize standing in my living room in a brown dress and heels. As I walked up to the door and knocked to be let in, the woman whipped around and I figured out who it was. My dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 427

You deserved it 3 415

By NoThanksGrandma - 20/11/2011 07:37

Today, I walk into my grandma's house after having a fabulous lunch with a few friends. The first thing I hear is "Be a dear and help me change my colostomy bag." I lost that fabulous lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 261

You deserved it 4 104

Shark-infested offices

By Anonymous - 23/08/2020 20:01

Today, I attended my father’s funeral. I have the week off work, and one of my colleagues is using this time to make a play for my job. I’m not supposed to be checking emails, so I can’t call them out on it until I get back, by which time it may be too late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 705

You deserved it 104

By ch - 04/03/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, my grandmother patched up my $300, vintage, limited edition, designer jeans because she thought I'd accidentally ripped them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 251

You deserved it 90 173

Mother knows best

By Anonymous - 20/01/2021 12:01 - United States - Phoenix

Today, while visiting my parents, I observed that I've been able to visit more often because I've avoided getting sick the whole year. My mother responded by reminding me that I need to get my act together if I'm going to lose weight and get healthier. Not the reaction I hoped for, Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 737

You deserved it 94

Speaking in Welsh can cause this too

By Anonymous - 26/12/2021 21:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I was harassed repeatedly by other passengers during my flight for speaking Arabic and sounding aggressive. I was in no way being aggressive, and I had to speak Arabic because it's the only language my mother-in-law speaks. Such a fuss was made, I did end up being questioned by TSA. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 314

You deserved it 136

By Sprinkles - 04/02/2015 07:44 - Australia

Today, I discovered my elderly neighbour likes to roam around his yard naked and wash his balls with the sprinkler. I'm never going to grab a snack in my kitchen again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 847

You deserved it 2 712

By emily - 30/07/2009 08:58 - United States

Today, my cell phone was stolen. I work in a morgue. By myself. Obviously it wasn't stolen by any of those people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 989

You deserved it 4 301

By Anonymous - 11/05/2013 21:58 - United States - Reno

Today, my grandpa moved into the house to live with my family. Along with having to share a room with him, he swears that having the AC on will give him pneumonia, and he keeps saying he's "freezing" when the temperature inside gets below 85. We live in Nevada. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 701

You deserved it 3 515

By NotYourLady - 04/09/2009 06:23 - Canada

Today, I was babysitting a boy who was 11 years old. He told me that he loved me and wanted to be my boyfriend. I told him that I think he is a really great kid but I'm 17 so it would never work out. He said okay. When his parents came home he told them that I hit him and started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 857

You deserved it 3 657

By Anonymous - 23/11/2011 22:58 - United States

Today, I was jogging around the neighborhood when I went past a bar. There were lots of drunk men outside telling me to come over so they could give me the night of my life. One of those men was my grandpa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 300

You deserved it 3 359

By Jayne - 29/03/2012 04:45 - United States

Today, my professor called me out in the middle of a lecture to ask why I was bleeding. I then had to explain to him, in front of around one hundred of my fellow classmates, that my largest zit had burst. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 234

You deserved it 2 813

By Karmas3itch - 12/05/2009 04:19 - United States

Today, I was taking a bath and needed shampoo. I leaned on the soap holder to get some and it came off the wall. Huge ants started pouring out running up the walls, down the walls, EVERYWHERE. I ran out of the bathroom screaming, completely naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 790

You deserved it 6 730

By Blamethepostman - 16/09/2016 15:10

Today, I bought stamps to send a letter. For some unknown reason, instead of putting the stamp on the letter, I posted the letter and the stamp booklet into the postbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 970

You deserved it 2 776

By Alli.M - 18/03/2012 11:06 - Australia - Canberra

Today, I got a migraine. I work in an arcade with lots of bright lights, loud noises and screaming children. I was stuck in there for 7 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 342

You deserved it 3 204

By Noname - 08/02/2009 01:23 - United States

Today, after leaving a store I got stuck at a red light. A car pulled up next to me and there was a half retarded man jerking his junk at me. Nasty image burned into my corneas forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 122

You deserved it 3 821

By Anonymous - 26/08/2012 05:46 - United States - Olympia

Today, I had to pee so bad that I ran downstairs with no glasses on and stumbled into the bathroom, half blind. I sat down on the toilet and realized just a little late that my older sister and her boyfriend were having sex in the bathtub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 879

You deserved it 3 889

By realitybites - 08/07/2013 17:03 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, while at the doctor's, a week overdue with my first child, I was told that sex and orgasms can sometimes help to induce labor. On the way home, my boyfriend asked for road head, arguing that "She said that stuff about orgasms." Not you, honey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 914

You deserved it 7 292

By Anonymous - 27/08/2015 12:43 - United Kingdom - Bexley

Today, my bitch of a sister broke my new phone, which took me months of work to earn. Her excuse? If I didn't want her to break it, I shouldn't have let her use it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 560

You deserved it 2 425

By Marian - 23/03/2009 19:37 - United States

Today, I had an anxiety attack when I was hanging out with my boyfriend. He pulled me close to him and I started to feel better, until he put my hand down his pants and around his penis and said, "Here! Try this to take your mind off it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 597

You deserved it 8 999

By LittleArtist - 18/02/2014 01:01 - United States - Bessemer

Today, after 3 weeks of hard work, I finally finished painting my room. Apparently my 6-year-old brother thought I wasn't done and that he should help me out. I now have little red handprints all over my white walls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 265

You deserved it 5 276

Gross

By Anonymous - 26/06/2021 15:59 - United States - Cumberland

Today, I confronted my mother because I lock my bedroom door everytime I leave the house, then when I came home, the door was open and ajar. She got really defensive and said it's because she and her boyfriend want to make passionate whoopie on my king-size bed because it's bigger than her full-size. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 426

You deserved it 112

By argh - 03/03/2012 00:14 - Australia

Today, my friend told me how she crept out last night to hook up with her boyfriend. At one point, she said she "snack" out, so I corrected her by saying it's "snuck". My boyfriend snorted, showed us in a dictionary that it's actually "sneaked" and called us "fucking idiots". FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 398

You deserved it 32 156

By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 16:33 - Australia

Today, while babysitting, I brought over some colouring-in sheets as an activity. I said that I should bring some Christmas-themed ones for next time. The little girl then turned to me and said "If there is a next time." I've been put on probation by an 8-year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 357

You deserved it 4 066

By Malíya - 04/05/2015 21:02 - United States - Perth Amboy

Today, while riding the subway a homeless man got on asking for money. I went to give him a dollar but he refused because I was "of the Asian persuasion." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 286

You deserved it 2 247

By jonjon - 13/06/2010 13:16 - United States

Today, after spending the evening with friends, I went home and realized that the living room light was on. Thinking someone was robbing me, I hid behind a bush. I got impatient and crept up to the door. Then I remembered that I'd left the light on before I left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 930

You deserved it 47 167

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Top comments

SkoomaKi 27

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Tuesday 10 May 2016 15:59

Welp, looks like those two dogs own you now.

General_Cool 24

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Tuesday 10 May 2016 15:59

That is not only nasty, but rude. This is why idiots shouldn't be allowed into parks with their dogs.

nadiabjensen 15

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Tuesday 10 May 2016 15:59

I would have been really "pissed" off!

Tripartita 44

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Tuesday 10 May 2016 16:37

I don't know f anybody else caught this, but "pissed" is another word for "peed," so it's sort of a joke. It's pretty subtle, so a lot of people are probably scratching their heads, trying to figure out exactly what #1 is talking about.

metalcrazed 21

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Tuesday 10 May 2016 18:08

Everyone understood it jusi isn't funny.

whysobeachy 37

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Tuesday 10 May 2016 19:02

I'm not sure whether Tripartita is playing Captain Obvious, or whether he genuinely thought people weren't understanding the pun here.

Zebediabolical 39

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Tuesday 10 May 2016 19:44

I would have upvoted this if it weren't in quotes. We're not stupid, y'know.

gotaplanstan 28

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Wednesday 11 May 2016 0:57

no 1, you would've been pissed ON

SkoomaKi 27

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Tuesday 10 May 2016 15:59

Welp, looks like those two dogs own you now.

whysobeachy 37

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Tuesday 10 May 2016 16:11

OP's gender checks out.

pjsr 32

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Tuesday 10 May 2016 20:18

Only the last one counts

General_Cool 24

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Tuesday 10 May 2016 15:59

That is not only nasty, but rude. This is why idiots shouldn't be allowed into parks with their dogs.

Bunnyluver 20

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Tuesday 10 May 2016 20:10

Nope, idiots just shouldn't have dogs.

IWeigh2Tons 12

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Wednesday 11 May 2016 2:59

At least that "idiot" is smart enough to bring a chair to sit on so dogs don't piss on him.

Colon_Man 17

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Tuesday 10 May 2016 16:03

You "bring a chair" to smash over negligent dog owner heads.

whysobeachy 37

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Tuesday 10 May 2016 16:13

That sounds like a great way to get in trouble.

Colon_Man 17

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Tuesday 10 May 2016 16:22

That's what feet are for. Getting away.

ssnow_fml 20

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Tuesday 10 May 2016 16:07

I'd turn around a pee on the dog.

whysobeachy 37

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Tuesday 10 May 2016 16:15

And what if the dog runs away? Will you give chase?

pjsr 32

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Tuesday 10 May 2016 20:22

Today I took my dog to enjoy a peaceful day at the park. As soon as we got there, I see some guy chasing a dog with his dick hanging out. FML

cutiepie292929 18

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Tuesday 10 May 2016 16:28

Is it a sprinkler, is it rain...no, it's dog pee!

Kevin55_fml 11

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Tuesday 10 May 2016 16:54

Edward Thorndike's Law of effect states that any behavior that is followed by pleasant consequences is likely to be repeated, and any behavior followed by unpleasant consequences is likely to be stopped... Makes me wonder how you got peed on not once, but twice.

krazy789 28

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Tuesday 10 May 2016 17:31

Am i the only one wondering why OP got peed on twice? I mean i would've left after the first time and showered but thats just me

Magnoxidans 19

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Tuesday 10 May 2016 18:53

After the first dog, you still thought it was a good idea to sit down?

JCWolfGirl 14

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Tuesday 10 May 2016 20:18

hi, I'm the OP. thank you guys for helping my post get posted! I think the second dog peed on me because he smelled the pee of the first dog and wanted to be dominant. and i stayed sitting because I figured it wouldn't happen again. I kept an eye on any dog that got behind me and pushed them away if they got too close. I didn't want to stay standing for the remainder of the hour and a half I would be there as it takes time to wear out my dogs.