Today, I took a trip to Wal-Mart. There's a car wash that they... - FML

By dave - 27/10/2009 15:36 - United States

Today, I took a trip to Wal-Mart. There's a car wash that they conveniently built right outside of this Wal-Mart. So as I was leaving, I decided to make use of this car wash, not even thinking about the $200 worth of groceries I had just purchased. I drive a pick-up truck. FML

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Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Higher standards

By morg2000 - 17/2/2009 23:23 - Mexico

Today, I went out to dinner with my family. I was given a kids menu when the hostess sat us down. I'm 24. FML

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By ooblie - 8/12/2010 08:22 - United States

Today, after receiving a lovely massage from my boyfriend, I was lying topless in bed beside him. Just as I was thinking this would be the perfect opportunity for some intimacy, he looks at me and says, "my mom is SO awesome." FML

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By anon - 13/1/2016 02:41 - United States

Today, I was eating at a diner one of my friends from work recommended to me. I ordered a chicken salad sandwich, which was pretty good despite the used bandaid in it. FML

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By dumbwifehappylife - 12/2/2014 01:37 - United States - Woodbine

Today, my wife tried to report our neighbor's yard sale to the Better Business Bureau. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2009 22:53 - United States

Today, I was looking at my recommendations on Amazon, which included several vibrators. Just a few days earlier I was looking at books on anger management. Amazon thinks I need to get laid. They're right. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2014 22:35 - Canada - Concord

Today, my son said his first complete sentence: "Mommy likes shit." Not only will he not stop saying it, I have no idea who taught him to say it in the first place. FML

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By so_screwed - 25/9/2013 06:59 - United States - Salinas

Today, my one-night stand decided he wanted to meet my parents. FML

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By wormsick - 6/12/2009 09:16 - United States

Today, I found out my diet and exercise plan wasn't nearly as effective when it comes to weight loss as I had originally thought. It turns out what really accounts for all the weight I've been losing is tape worms. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2011 06:12 - United States

Today, I sat across from a cute boy in my English class. I thought it was cute when he winked at me, so I laughed and winked back. I didn't understand why he shot me a dirty look, until I later found out he has eyelid spasms. FML

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By Maddy - 10/3/2010 08:00 - United States

Today, I was going to break up with my boyfriend for taking me for granted and being such a jerk. He didn't even show up for our date. FML

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By Shirley - 15/2/2012 00:43 - United States

Today, while out for our romantic Valentine's dinner, my boyfriend of 2 and a half years told me that he believes in females being subservient, that I'm not allowed to have opinions anymore, that he is "the alpha dog" and I'm merely the "beta dog", and that I have to "get used to it." FML

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By XxespoxX - 11/5/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, my Dad took me to a yankee game at the new Yankees stadium. During the 5th inning the camera crew put a man on the big screen. I then yelled out "Look at that ugly asshole!" It was the guy sitting 4 seats to the left of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2014 20:28 - United States - Galesburg

Today, my clingy girlfriend refused to leave me alone long enough for me to read an article about dealing with clingy girlfriends. FML

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By WOCOACH - 9/9/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, I woke up to my 8 month old son happy as can be. I could hear him laughing over the monitor. When I walked into the room, he had somehow got his diaper off and was holding onto his new found penis. He thought it was hysterical when it went off and shot urine everywhere. FML

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By Catnip - 30/6/2016 23:42 - Germany - Michelstadt

Today, I sent my boyfriend a selfie where I used the Snapchat face-swap to put my best friend's face on mine. My boyfriend didn't notice and texted back, 'Wow, so beautiful!' FML

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By teejayrn - 15/12/2012 11:48 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, my son sprayed the bottom of my car and windows white with fake snow in Christmas cheer. He did a great job, except he used white spray paint instead of the fake snow. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2010 23:00 - United States

Today, while cleaning my car, I found my mother's underwear in the backseat. She'd borrowed my car last weekend because hers had been in the shop and she'd been called in to work. I see she put in for overtime. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2011 18:49 - New Zealand

Today, I woke up at 4:40AM and went to the kitchen. My brother and his steel-capped boots easily found me in the dark. FML

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By fml - 2/11/2016 08:45 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, the mall I work at started playing Christmas songs on repeat. It's the beginning of November. FML

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By skipper - 12/2/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, I listened to my room mate having sex from 3 A.M. until 6 A.M. When I looked over at my girlfriend, who must have thought I was sleeping, I noticed she was masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2010 05:15 - New Zealand

Today, I had a wet dream about having sexual relations with a rubber duck. FML

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By I Feel Horrible - 20/7/2014 17:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house, intending to break up with him. Instead, I was greeted by his whole family throwing me a surprise party. I had to sit and listen to his whole family talk about what a great couple we are and how we're going to last forever. FML

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By fububc - 5/2/2010 15:14 - France

Today, I went out for a smoke before dinner. I glanced through the window only to see my husband take my cooking scissors, cut his toe nails and then put them back in the utensils canister without washing them. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2015 12:22 - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, I went to a garden party my friend had invited me to. I soon discovered they had seriously downplayed the formality of the event, as I noticed trays of fancy hors d'oeuvres and glasses of champagne lined up on the table. I showed up with Kool Aid and Ritz crackers. FML

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By UnknownKitten - 3/5/2016 03:07 - United States - Elgin

Today, I returned home after a long day of work. I noticed that my kitten had gotten a hold of my pin cushion, and that there were no needles left in it. My husband and I have only managed to find one, out of 16. FML

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By Ringless - 25/2/2010 21:47 - United States

Today, my fiancée and I were selecting our wedding cake. The wedding is now off since I refused to buy her the "dream" wedding cake she wanted because it was chocolate. She called me childish and cheap. I'm highly allergic to chocolate. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2011 20:35 - United Kingdom

Today, at work, my boss went to the single-stall bathroom on our floor. The next thing I know, I'm on suspension pending review because some asshole left an upper-decker in the toilet. Since I'm the office prankster, all suspicion is now on me. I've been framed by my own colleagues. FML

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By jaskyriddims - 16/9/2009 19:58 - Dominica

Today, my family gathered to pray. It was my brother's turn to pray and he ended with this, "...and help Chev that he does not become the disappointment everyone expects him to be. Amen." I looked on in shock as my entire family nodded and said "Amen" in agreement. Hi, I'm Chev. FML

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By emergency - 25/1/2010 13:32 - Canada

Today, I discovered that my mom and her disgusting mess of a boyfriend refer to his penis as "the monkey." And she says that I hate him because I'M immature. FML

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By argh - 1/2/2010 13:17 - United States

Today, my mother gave my daughter a behavior chart. I noticed that "drinking beer" was at the top of one of the columns. It's a chart for my daughter to use on me so my mother can judge my parenting skills. I am currently losing a sticker right now for being on the computer. FML

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By pubemilkshake - 8/12/2014 02:12 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my boyfriend made me a milkshake. It was pale yellow with some black spots. He told me it was banana and poppy seed. After drinking it, he told me they weren't poppy seeds. They were his pubes. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2012 07:23

Today, I had my end of year physics exam. I wasn't sure about some stuff, so I hid my notes and textbook in the bathroom. Halfway through, I got up, went to the bathroom, and as soon as I picked up the book, forgot what I was looking for. I can't even cheat right. FML

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By kdehshaden - 30/4/2012 08:25 - United States

Today, after a lot of begging, I finally convinced my husband to shave all of his pubes off. Now I can't even look at it without laughing, and he's mad at me for making him do it. FML

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By FrickingBusDrivers - 22/5/2015 01:55 - United States - Farmington

Today, I missed my bus. But it didn't miss me. I've been in the hospital for 8 hours with a broken leg. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2017 06:00

Today, my girlfriend was sick for the fourth day in a row. I stopped by her house to check on her and bring some necessities, only to find her ex's truck in the driveway, and the sounds of some very intense love making coming from inside. I guess she's not that sick after all. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2009 18:47 - Canada

Today, I had to throw away twenty condoms that were all expired, because that's how active my sex life is. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2016 22:48 - United States - Lake Worth

Today, I found out that my mom has been deliberately forgetting to help me practice my driving. It's not because the insurance will go up once I pass the test, she doesn't want my 14 year-old sister to feel left behind. FML

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By someone something - 9/10/2018 14:00

Today, I was finally able to come home after 4 months in a hospital recovering from brain surgery and physical therapy. While taking a walk around the neighborhood, my new neighbor's Rottweiler ran after me. I tripped while running, got bit, and went back to the hospital for stitches. FML

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By Chelsea - 21/4/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, my mom made me clean. I was dusting in the living room and heard gunshots outside the apartment. I dove on the floor and started crying and screaming. My mom walked in and informed me that the sound was her making popcorn. FML

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By plasticfantastic - 25/4/2009 12:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I met this guy I really liked at a party. We got chatting and then hit the dance floor. We had a "moment" and I went in to kiss him. He shot forward with his tongue already out. His eyes were open. FML

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Top comments

By Darthbane2007 | 15

#641664 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 19:27

Dumbass. YDI.

By Simoxd | 0

#641711 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 19:52

At least vegetables are now clean.

COMMENTS

By Ekh0es | 36

#641662 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 19:27

That really sucks.

By Darthbane2007 | 15

#641664 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 19:27

Dumbass. YDI.

Reply

NeonBlue | 0

#993875 - Saturday 15 May 2010 6:37

Agreed. Paper or plastic?

Reply

ajp156 | 1

#1009248 - Thursday 27 May 2010 8:32

unless u really didn't have room in the cab of the truck, y would u ever put fucking groceries in the bed of the truck? or atleast have the tynol cover on it? that would have helped....shoulda thought first dumbass

Reply

edogy | 0

#2907251 - Saturday 16 July 2011 18:14

HOLLLLLLAAAAAYYYYYY FUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
I WOULD FUCKING DIE

Reply

Shy_Anne | 10

#5651783 - Saturday 31 August 2013 8:48

OP totally deserves it

By lebrockshard | 10

#641680 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 19:34

YDI...idiot!!

By Butterbuns | 1

#641685 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 19:37

....this would be worse if most stuff wasn't sealed in plastic and shit, even if it's in cardboard. So really, unless you were buying a lot of unpackaged stuff or something, I don't see a huge issue.

By lillyass | 0

#641686 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 19:37

moron

By Jcat_fml | 0

#641694 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 19:41

At least you didn't buy a tv or something. Or even any electronics. Then the # would have been higher. Next time think....

By Maxine17 | 8

#641695 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 19:42

This is one of the few FMLs recently published that made me laugh

By perdix | 29

#641700 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 19:45

I'm very relieved you didn't tell us what state you are in. Texas has been taking a beating today and pick-up trucks and Wal-mart are very popular here.

Reply

Halti | 4

#4663147 - Sunday 8 July 2012 6:08

legend

By Simoxd | 0

#641711 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 19:52

At least vegetables are now clean.

By lrb081 | 0

#641718 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 19:55

LOL!!