Today, I borrowed my friend's truck to move. After unloading... - FML

By Why Me - 15/8/2018 04:00

Today, I borrowed my friend's truck to move. After unloading everything, I worked up a killer appetite and went to a drive thru. I found some Germ X in the truck, so I could eat on the way home... or so I thought. It turned out to be anal lube. I covered my hands in it. FML

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Season finale

Social distancing gone wrong

Boozehound alert

By ben - 18/9/2009 06:17 - United States

Today, I took my 5 year-old son to the barber shop. When the man finishes with him, I tell the guy, "while we're here, I might as well get a trim too." My son then exclaims very loudly in front of a very full barber's shop, "Dad! You don't need a haircut, you need hair!" FML

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By Flipside - 2/5/2009 00:46 - United States

Today, as I was driving home, I saw a woman get hit by a car. I immediately parked on the side of the road to assist her. I called an ambulance and stayed with her until they came to get her, comforting her all the while. When I returned to my car, I found a parking ticket in my windshield. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2011 06:07 - United States

Today, I found out my dad ate my pet rabbit two years ago. He said he ran away. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2011 01:39 - United States

Today, I painted a kids room at my new nanny job while the dad "helped" by staring at my ass and telling me how hard it is to position your "junk" correctly when wearing a speedo. First day on the job. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 17:22 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend's 4-year-old son and four of his friends to the amusement park. While walking down a hill, I slipped on some water and slid down the hill, taking out multiple children. It wasn't rain. I'd slid on vomit. FML

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By dammit_ - 16/2/2009 07:36 - Canada

Today, I walked by my roommate and his girlfriend while they were hugging. I asked "what's up lovebirds?". Turns out they were in the middle of a breakup. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2013 06:06 - Canada - Guelph

Today, a woman started giving me grief because we didn't have any Boxing Day sales. As I explained to her that dollar stores don't usually have sales, she tried to lamp me. It ended by her getting dragged out of the store. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2009 15:53 - United States

Today, I was playing around with my sister's kitten. As a joke, I put him underneath the sheets and farted. He attacked my nuts. FML

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By skjjj - 26/4/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, I went to my cousin's communion. We came late and walked to the front of the church where my family was. Everyone stared and laughed but I ignored it. After the service was done my mom came up to me and pulled a long piece of toilet paper out of my skirt. FML

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By Ah piss - 15/9/2010 16:52 - United States

Today, my roommate let me know he "bumped" another car with mine. What he really meant was that I need a new rear quarter panel and the very angry BMW driver he hit has all of my information. FML

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By FuckYou - 2/7/2012 06:07 - United States - Santa Maria

Today, I fell down my stairs while holding a carton of eggs I was going to use to egg my ex-boyfriend's house. Karma's definitely a bitch to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2015 19:54 - United States - Exton

Today, marks the fourth day in a row that I've worn the same outfit to prove to my parents that they pay me no attention. They still haven't noticed. FML

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By whykarma - 26/3/2013 21:17 - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my German Shepherd decided to bark at, then attack, a painted rock. At least I know I'm protected from inanimate objects. FML

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By username - 19/5/2015 06:45 - United Kingdom - Leatherhead

Today, my girlfriend suggested we start using a safe word during sex - not because we're into BDSM or anything like that, it's just in case she gets bored and wants me to stop. FML

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By woxliuke - 5/5/2016 18:44 - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a ride on bicycles. After a while, I couldn't see him ahead of me any more. I went back and forth for half an hour but could't find him, and started to think something happened. I went home to call him but saw his bike. Turns out my boyfriend is just an asshole. FML

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By bham boy - 20/4/2011 08:10

Today, I went for a job interview. I was asked if I wanted a drink. I have no idea why, but I replied "a bottle of milk please." FML

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By Still Waiting - 16/8/2016 18:54 - United States - Wenatchee

Today, I had an appointment. After 2 hours of waiting in the sun, my mom finally picked me up and lectured me on how irresponsible my dad was for not communicating with her. Not 5 minutes after I got home, my dad showed up and gave me the same exact lecture about my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2014 17:37 - Germany - Naurath

Today, I found out what a lightweight my girlfriend is. After having a couple of drinks, she began flirting, then grabbed my ass. She felt around a bit before freaking out and asking where my penis was. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2012 17:50 - United States

Today, someone stole my iPhone. I used the Find My iPhone app, and located it in the apartment building next to mine. I can hear the ringing sound I've activated, but nobody will answer the door. FML

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By I love my furry babies - 18/5/2019 16:09

Today, I got a hamster against my wife's will. I can't wait until she wakes up and I have to tell her it's loose in the house. FML

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By Kev - 19/2/2009 23:42 - Canada

Today, I walked home from work when a woman asked me to come inside for a free meal. It was at a homeless shelter. FML

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By creditwhore - 24/2/2010 19:13 - United States

Today, I decided to apply for a credit card to help build up my credit rating. It seemed smart since I'm a 24 year old college graduate. I was rejected for not having a credit history. Being rejected turns out to hurt your credit history. The irony of my predicament is too great for words. FML

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By you would - 4/3/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, my wife told me that she wanted a divorce. It is also my 39th birthday today. For my birthday present, she gave me a subscription to match.com. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2012 17:47 - United States

Today, while my mom was driving me to work, we drove past a lake with an old wooden dock. She stopped the car, pointed and said, "Some guy fucked me right there. I got a splinter in my butt, though, so we finished in his car." FML

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By Janice - 7/11/2011 05:12 - Canada

Today, while jogging, I realized my face jiggles more than my breasts. FML

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By dieders - 12/12/2016 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I thought she wasn't being serious when she said her mum wanted me to pay to stay the night at her house for the first time. FML

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By youreajoker - 10/11/2010 10:28 - Australia

Today, I was at the doctors office after throwing up for the past week. My diagnosis? Apparently I'm the first pregnant man. After several minutes of me freaking out and him explaining how it was possible, he told me he was joking and that I'm fine, but my reaction was the best thus far. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2014 05:14 - United States - Stockbridge

Today, I decided to do a little shopping at Victoria's Secret. The woman at the register smiled and asked, "Got a special someone to impress?" I told her that my boyfriend of three years was in town for New Year's and we haven't seen each other in months. Then I went home to my four cats. FML

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By N - 8/2/2009 08:04 - United States

Today, my best friend told me she wanted to rape my throat. I did not know that was possible. FML

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By Unlucky - 9/10/2009 19:52 - United States

Today, as I got up from the couch, my computer, which was next to me, fell on to my pinky toe. It fell just so that the edge of it cut my toe open. I cursed, and hobbled toward the bathroom to get a bandage. As I'm going into the bathroom, I stub said toe on the door jamb. FML

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By ShakenNotStirred - 11/11/2013 08:18 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, a drunken customer blindsided me after I told him I would not be giving him a free drink after I watched him put his own hair in it. FML

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By Mug - 24/4/2012 20:15 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss made me work a longer shift than usual. Not because he needed me in, but just so I'd finish at the same time as his brat of a son, and give him a lift home. FML

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By :( - 2/3/2010 00:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my 14-year-old sister why one must not wear the same pair of knickers for a week. FML

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By Moosh - 1/1/2010 11:12 - Australia

Today, my stepdad did a crap in the shape of the number 2, took a picture of it and showed it to all my friends at my party, while we were eating. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2015 19:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was flirting with a cute girl at a club. She seemed into me and said I was hot. I said thanks and grinned. I guess my grin looked psychopathic, because her expression turned to horror and she quickly excused herself. That was the only girl who's ever shown any interest in me. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2009 14:09 - Australia

Today, I went into work and noticed one of my fellow colleagues had a large bunch of flowers on her desk. As soon as I saw her, I immediately said, "Happy Birthday!" Everyone went quiet. It wasn't her birthday; her father had died. FML

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By Arghh - 13/4/2011 13:34 - United States

Today, I had an allergic reaction to cranberry juice. The only reason I was drinking cranberry juice was to help with a bladder infection. Now I'm covered in what looks like a rash and peeing constantly. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2011 18:25 - United States

Today, it's been a full week since my last orthodontist appointment and I still can't eat anything besides Slimfast and pudding. FML

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By anonymous - 17/5/2016 00:29 - United States - Ashland

Today, at the laundromat. I loaded a huge load into the top dryer, put all the quarters in, and started the bottom one. I realized my mistake when I came to check on it. FML

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By spadesmollusques - 6/6/2016 05:13 - France - Strasbourg

Today, my 10-year-old son introduced me to Tom, his new best friend, and insisted we have him over to dinner. Tom is a slug. FML

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Top comments

By real life problems | 26

#7677070 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 4:14

I'm at a loss for words as to why anyone would assume that a random push pump bottle.. in a car.. is Germ-X. Unless you can't read, there is no way this happens.

By melisssa87 | 30

#7677074 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 4:42

Just because it’s anal lube doesn’t mean that the lube inside the bottle has been in someone’s anus. You are fine just a little louby on your hands

COMMENTS

By real life problems | 26

#7677070 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 4:14

I'm at a loss for words as to why anyone would assume that a random push pump bottle.. in a car.. is Germ-X. Unless you can't read, there is no way this happens.

By TwentyFourBeerz | 18

#7677071 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 4:20

When in Rome....

By pjsr | 32

#7677073 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 4:42

When you return the truck, you need to really give it to to that asshole!

By melisssa87 | 30

#7677074 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 4:42

Just because it’s anal lube doesn’t mean that the lube inside the bottle has been in someone’s anus. You are fine just a little louby on your hands

By Charlie Given | 23

#7677075 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 4:49

Did it help the food slide down your throat easier 😂

Reply

real life problems | 26

#7677078 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 4:56

Here's to hoping that s/he ordered a hot dog

By Davros | 12

#7677111 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 8:00

must be hard to eat when your burger keeps slipping out of your hands

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7677112 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 8:01

Your friend seems to have a fun time driving.

By Abbusser | 9

#7677288 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 16:12

Well now you know what you gotta do...

By KittyMack | 13

#7677361 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 19:15

Is that normal- to have anal in your ttruck? Seems to me you'd want to be near a sink and towels.

By Gofuckyourself | 24

#7753400 - Tuesday 15 January 2019 3:17

That's why you don't use things that aren't yours 🤷🏽‍♀️