Intimacy and Transportation: Today, I borrowed my friend's truck to move. After unloading... - FML

By Why Me

Today, I borrowed my friend's truck to move. After unloading everything, I worked up a killer appetite and went to a drive thru. I found some Germ X in the truck, so I could eat on the way home... or so I thought. It turned out to be anal lube. I covered my hands in it. FML

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Lockdown is driving us down

This is fine

Kick the bum out, part 2

By not helping - 17/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Co-parenting

Today, I confiscated my daughter’s tablet, phone and laptop after I caught her exchanging nudes with boys. My ex then called me in a rage, threatening to take me to court over “stealing his belongings” since he purchased them. No concern for our daughter’s behavior, just him wanting the stuff. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mountain View

Today, my fiancée said that our relationship is doomed because an astrologer said so. We only have a few more days until our wedding and she won't listen to a word I say. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Auburn

Today, I fell in the shower and the doors jammed shut. I was stuck in there for hours, waiting for my parents to come home. They had to open the door for me while I was still naked inside. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I found out that when my room-mate agreed to babysit someone's two year old kid for money, what he really planned on doing was dumping it with me. The kid won't stop crying and screaming. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 20:01

Grumpy git

Today, my husband told me that he thinks I'm not doing real work because I laugh during online meetings. Sorry I'm not miserable all the time. FML

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By sliceddice - Denmark

Today, I was crying because my cat died. My boyfriend cupped my face in his hands, looked me straight into the eyes and said, "I love seeing you cry." FML

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By Karin - Germany

Today, after a week of sporting what I thought was a flattering pixie cut, I realised that without my long hair, my body shape closely resembles a snowman's. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to my stepdad's funeral. He was the most important person in my life, but it didn't stop my stepsister angrily saying, "Why are you crying? He wasn't even your real dad." FML

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By May - 10/1/2021 20:01

Cart Narcs will get ya!

Today, my dad forced me to leave my empty shopping cart in the middle of a store, rather than return it to the corral. My dad’s word is law, and all I can think about is how much of an asshole I am. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my friend asked me how I did on my test. I got an 85%. She asked me what my secret was, and I said "I'm just smart". She replied, "No you're not. How did you pull it off?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was flirting with a cute girl at a club. She seemed into me and said I was hot. I said thanks and grinned. I guess my grin looked psychopathic, because her expression turned to horror and she quickly excused herself. That was the only girl who's ever shown any interest in me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed my new neighbor had taken the liberty of putting up signs all around their lawn overnight. There are at least a dozen signs detailing the various reasons everyone on the planet is condemned to hell. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Canastota

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take our relationship to the next level. I assumed since we live together that he meant marriage. I was wrong; the next level is me jacking him off with my feet. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up next to my roommate staring in horror. She said I was singing and farting in my sleep. Loudly. FML

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By Kate - United States

Today, my husband decided he will be a 'stay at home' dad. We have two cats. No kids. FML

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By daddy'sgirl - United States - Memphis

Today, I was lecturing my high school students on the importance of a good education. I pointed out the janitor in the hall and told them if they didn't stay in school, they'd end up like him. Then one of my students raised her hand and reminded me that the janitor I pointed to was her dad. FML

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By Username - France

Today, my four year old daughter pulled her pants down in the middle of Best Buy. Apparently, you can smell the farts better when they don't have to pass through clothing. FML

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By kaitylait - Canada

Today, I told my dad I was going to the gym. He stood up and clapped. FML

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By Ouchmybum

Today, whilst out on a walk with the dogs, I decided to explore a different part of the woods. Suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my bum. Then another. And another. I realised it was wasps and ran. I've been stung 11 times and have to go back tomorrow for the coat I dropped. FML

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By Girlygal32 - 13/9/2020 08:02 - United States

Contagion

Today, my mother chewed me out for not wearing deodorant and smelling of B.O. I was wearing plenty of deodorant. My shirt just smelled like my boyfriend, whom I'd been cuddling with earlier. FML

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By babysitter93 - United States

Today, I was fired from the babysitting job I have had for 2 years. I thought maybe the mother had found out that I sometimes let her kids stay up late and have extra sweets. The real reason, as she told me, was that she didn't want her kids loving anyone more than they love her. FML

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By sad_unicorn - Australia - Yagoona

The Intruder

Today, I have to close my bedroom door with a bucket because I don't have a door latch from previous owners. When my partner and I were going at it, we had to stop because the cat kept reaching around the door, trying to attack the bucket and destroying the mood. Cat 1 - Humans 0. FML

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By highlycontagious - United States

Today, while walking through the fragrance area in a shopping center a women behind me asked; "Excuse me miss, would you like to sample our new fragrance line." I'm a 19 year old male. I turned around expecting her to correct herself. She didn't. FML

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By HunniBeeHuni - United States

Today, I was leaving the train station when a man came up to me and asked me if I have an unlimited metrocard to swipe him in. I did have an unlimited card so I told him sure. While taking out my metrocard from my wallet, he grabbed my wallet and ran away as fast as he could. FML

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By Piano999 - United States

Today, I lied to my crush telling him I can play the piano. To 'prove' it, I recorded a video on my phone of a girl playing a beautiful piece. After I sent it, I realized my mouse cursor was in the center of the page the entire time. FML

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By wiper

Today, my dad hid the toilet paper and is charging me 50 cents a roll. FML

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By clips - United States

Gross

Today, I was on the bus. I heard a click right before something small hit my cheek. I looked over to see the lady next to me cutting her long, dirty fingernails. The bus was too crowded to move and It was a 20 minute ride to work. FML

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By imustbegay - United States

Today, I was buying condoms for my girlfriend and myself. While at the checkout counter, my guy friend sees me, runs to me, puts his arm around me, kisses me on the cheek, then yells "Thank you baby!" There were about twenty people behind me, they all gave me dirty looks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Mills

Today, someone stole my coat. I can only imagine their surprise when they find the $3,000 engagement ring I bought earlier. FML

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By i'm not psychic, mother fucker - Sweden - Uppsala

Bad timing

Today, I got a text message while driving home. I checked after arriving, and found it was a kinky text from my boyfriend, so I sent him an even kinkier reply. He later raged at me, because I somehow should have known he was showing off his phone to his mom when I sent my reply. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Union City

Today, some jackass in an Iron Man mask nailed me in the head with a quarter while I was helping other customers. Minimum wage isn't worth this crap. FML

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By LukeSkywalker - United States

Today, after pouring my heart out to my girlfriend of 4 years through a speech that took me 3 weeks to write, and then proposing, she responded, "Eh, why not." FML

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By segal1010 - United States - Potomac

Today, I found out that my mom has linked my iPhone with her iPad and has been secretly reading my texts. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I overheard my boss talking about me on the phone. Turns out he was drunk off his ass when he gave the go-ahead to hire me, and he's now searching for any excuse to legally fire me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while walking my dog, we came across two men having a heated argument in the street. My dog decided the perfect place to poop was right next to them. He wouldn't budge no matter what. Meanwhile, one of the men pulled a knife, and I practically shat myself. FML

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By Anonymous

Asshats everywhere

Today, while driving to work, an idiot pulled out of a junction without looking and wiped me out. I'm now in hospital with two broken legs, looking at employment pages because I didn't give work "enough notice" about my absence. FML

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By Bear - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my Mum and Dad having sex and didn't even realize what they were doing until she shouted at him to go harder. FML

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By no - United States - Worcester

Today, someone in my class referred to the September 11th attacks as "Nine-Elevs". FML

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By aisbash - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was waitressing at work, when a woman decided to change her baby's nappy on a table. One moment I was asking her to leave, and the next, she was shoving a fully shat-out nappy into my hands. She asked me to get rid of it and fetch her baby wipes. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out I have a new allergy: the sun. My face is so swollen that it has started to bleed to relieve the pressure. Today is also day 6 of the 3-month European trip that I spent all year saving for. FML

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Top comments

By real life problems | 26

#7677070 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 4:14

I'm at a loss for words as to why anyone would assume that a random push pump bottle.. in a car.. is Germ-X. Unless you can't read, there is no way this happens.

By melisssa87 | 30

#7677074 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 4:42

Just because it’s anal lube doesn’t mean that the lube inside the bottle has been in someone’s anus. You are fine just a little louby on your hands

COMMENTS

By real life problems | 26

#7677070 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 4:14

I'm at a loss for words as to why anyone would assume that a random push pump bottle.. in a car.. is Germ-X. Unless you can't read, there is no way this happens.

By TwentyFourBeerz | 18

#7677071 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 4:20

When in Rome....

By pjsr | 32

#7677073 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 4:42

When you return the truck, you need to really give it to to that asshole!

By melisssa87 | 30

#7677074 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 4:42

Just because it’s anal lube doesn’t mean that the lube inside the bottle has been in someone’s anus. You are fine just a little louby on your hands

By Charlie Given | 23

#7677075 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 4:49

Did it help the food slide down your throat easier 😂

Reply

real life problems | 26

#7677078 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 4:56

Here's to hoping that s/he ordered a hot dog

By Davros | 12

#7677111 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 8:00

must be hard to eat when your burger keeps slipping out of your hands

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7677112 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 8:01

Your friend seems to have a fun time driving.

By Abbusser | 9

#7677288 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 16:12

Well now you know what you gotta do...

By KittyMack | 13

#7677361 - Wednesday 15 August 2018 19:15

Is that normal- to have anal in your ttruck? Seems to me you'd want to be near a sink and towels.

By Gofuckyourself | 24

#7753400 - Tuesday 15 January 2019 3:17

That's why you don't use things that aren't yours 🤷🏽‍♀️