Today, I threatened to break up with my boyfriend over the Trolley... - FML

By Anonymous - 21/8/2019 22:00

Today, I threatened to break up with my boyfriend over the Trolley Games in Toontown Rewritten for trying to sabotage my scores. We're 24 and 26. FML

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Proactive

Instadrama

The opposite of a good idea

By sen - 19/2/2009 21:41 - United States

Today, I was sleeping when my roommate walked in and asked me: "So...when are you leaving?" She had decided to throw a party in our apartment. I wasn't invited. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2011 00:36 - United States

Today, one of my neighbors dressed up in the exact same costume as me. Every house I go to refuses to give me candy because my neighbor has already been there. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2016 16:47 - United States - Suwanee

Today, I had so much skin peeling off my lips that it got caught in my fork as I was eating. FML

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By WhyTheEff - 20/11/2009 23:50 - United States

Today, I woke up to find my house TP'd. I also noticed our entire house was devoid of toilet paper. Someone had broken in just to steal our toilet paper and TP our own house with it. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2014 21:37 - Sweden - Ume

Today, I tried to pull the old "bucket of water above the door" prank on my brother, but the bucket didn't fall when he opened the door. He noticed it, took it down, then pinned me to the floor and waterboarded me with the ice-cold water. FML

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By hairball - 22/4/2009 00:12 - United States

Today, my shower is being renovated so I decided to wash my hair in the kitchen sink. I put my two year old son on the counter next to me so I could keep him close. As I was rinsing out my hair, my son started playing with the light switches. He flicked the garbage disposal by accident. FML

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By Catsfordays - 20/8/2015 06:02 - United States - Yucaipa

Today, I went on a date with someone I considered a real catch, my potential soulmate even. He ended up telling me about his fetish for "female smells", sang loudly in Italian in a crowded restaurant, and ate most of the food on my plate. Man, fuck dating. FML

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By LP - 16/2/2015 03:25 - United States - Madison

Today, I was at work copying some papers. The copier is below a shelf with lots of paper and signage, which suddenly flew off the hinge and hit me in the head as well as the copier. My boss ran in, asking, "Is the copier okay?" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2010 20:04 - United States

Today, at dinner, my grandmother informed us that my cousin's newborn baby has been having seizures. My verbal filter did not switch on in time and I replied, "It's not a seizure if you're shaking it." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2009 06:07 - United States

Today, I got pulled over for speeding and got a $200 ticket. After I pulled away, I decided to warn the next car about the cop up ahead by flashing my headlights. The next car was another cop. He didn't appreciate my "help". FML

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By paymeinhugs - 17/3/2009 01:04 - United States

Today, I was swimming in the ocean with my best friend and a giant wave came and knocked off the bottom of my bikini. My friend told me that she would go get another bottom so I could walk onto the very crowded beach. She left me for half an hour, laughing from the shore with her entire family. FML

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By scared for life - 29/1/2012 16:23 - United States

Today, I got to listen while my grandma, who has dementia and therefore a poor memory, explained to me why the old man on TV was a sex god. She forgot everything once she said it. I got to listen to her explanation five times over. FML

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By w_t_f - 18/2/2009 09:16 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of scissors. My mom was cutting my hair while I was asleep. FML

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By Bummed - 12/6/2016 19:44

Today, I found out that after interviewing for two jobs at great companies, I was neck and neck with one other person for each position. They both offered the job to the other person. FML

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By davka - 18/4/2011 15:09

Today, I was fired from my job. Apparently getting shot is no valid reason to stay home. FML

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By Dez - 26/11/2017 19:00 - United States - Anchorage

Apparently not.

Today, while I was at work, my boyfriend texted me asking, “We are in an open relationship, right?” FML

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By Rawr - 1/8/2010 10:38 - Switzerland

Today, my grandmother told me she would pay for me to get a nose job. I never thought there was a problem with my nose. FML

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By chocobo - 11/7/2018 01:30

Supreme Betrayal

Today, I discovered that my family routinely waits until after my bedtime to order a pepperoni pizza, my favorite food. If that wasn't bad enough, I'm 17 and still have a strictly enforced bedtime. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2012 08:40 - United States

Today, I gave myself a hernia while farting. FML

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By Savannah - 15/6/2011 00:07 - United States

Today, like every other day this past week at Bonnaroo, I've been placing my belongings in the cubbyhole inside the portapotties as I use. Today, I also learned that those "cubbyholes" are urinals. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2016 23:36 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was told that if I was caught yawning again, I'd be fired. FML

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By mouseart - 3/11/2016 14:51

Today, I work as an assistant to a sculptor. We finished all our projects early so his wife decided to have me clean their kitchen. I wasn't paying attention and picked up a dead mouse. I screamed and threw it away as hard as I could. It hit their five-year-old son in the face. FML

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By rawr_fml001 - 11/5/2012 23:50 - Canada - Brampton

Today, after my boyfriend broke up with me, the only thing positive about my day was a pregnancy test. FML

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By WTF Lady? - 8/4/2020 20:00

Rod Stewart was wrong

Today, I was walking down my street when a girl came up behind me and started yelling about me being a slut. When she saw I was the wrong person, she continued to yell at me because I have blonde hair. FML

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By jhulich - 24/12/2013 20:48 - Sweden - H?gersten

Today, I found out that my mom isn't coming to see me for Christmas. Instead she'll be spending it in jail for a DUI and battery. Thank you to my cocklick of an aunt for taking a recovering alcoholic to a bar and pressuring her into relapse. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 17:00

Worth a shot

Today, I told the guy I've been in love with for a year how I felt. He replied, "There will never be an us, but you can send nudes if you like." FML

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By KaLa - 8/2/2009 16:30 - Canada

Today, I told my mom I loved her a lot. Her reply? "Thanks." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2014 20:53 - United States - Tucson

Today, I got into a fight with my sister. Later on she brought me a bowl of tortilla chips, which I thought was her way of apologizing. I found out too late that she'd licked the flavoring off them and it was really her way of saying "Fuck you." FML

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By Katie - 23/6/2011 16:39 - United States

Today, I was rear-ended while at a stop sign, by my driving instructor. FML

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By wordmalfunction - 25/5/2009 21:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I was preparing a dinner for some business associates, in hopes of closing the deal on a promotion. I emailed them with the menu, in case there were any allergies. Hours later, I checked the email again to find that instead of serving the Roast Duck I would be serving the Roast Fuck. FML

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By Stickysituation - 23/1/2013 18:44 - United States - Depew

Today, my friend set me up on a blind date, to get my mind off having been recently broken up with. The guy was perfect: tall, muscular, handsome. But while we were watching a movie, I saw him dig around in his nose, then wipe his finger on my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2012 12:13 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, after I spent two hours trying to teach my girlfriend to play sudoku, she broke up with me, tearfully claiming that I'd made up a fake, imaginary game to make her feel stupid. FML

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By ihatebeingacashier - 11/7/2016 21:06

Today, I handed a middle-aged woman her change of $0.75 with three quarters. She looked at the change bewildered and threw the coins down, asking if she thought I could get away with only giving her thirty cents. I had to explain to her how much a quarter is worth. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2011 18:57 - United States

Today, after speeding home due to an overflowing bladder, I ran to the bathroom, forgetting that the toilet seat was broken. While doing my business, the toilet seat and I both slid off the bowl. FML

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By skyhawk13 - 30/10/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, at my school's Midnight Madness, I was selected to show my school spirit in a contest. Being drunk, I decided to hump the school mascot in front of 300 people. FML

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By Tired Hungry Geek - 27/10/2015 04:40 - United States

Today, I was exhausted after a long day at work and didn't feel like cooking so I went to a drive thru. I placed my order, went to the window and paid. I then drove off without my food and didn't realize it for a couple of blocks. I was too embarrassed to go back and get it. FML

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By is_that_right - 27/12/2014 19:14 - United States - El Paso

Today, I texted my girlfriend, saying "Hey there." She quickly replied, assuring me that she's not cheating on me. Uh, okay. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2012 05:47 - United States - Gainesville

Today, my mother-in-law said I wasn't the type she expected her son to marry, as he's always dated cheerleaders and model types. I must have looked offended, so she added, "I mean they weren't smart like you." So, I might be smart but I'm the ugliest girl my husband has ever been with. FML

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By Sleeper_C3ll - 4/2/2009 23:04 - United States

Today, I heard a man pleasuring himself in the stall next to me during my post lunch deuce. I was washing my hands when my boss walked out of the stall. I can no longer look at him in the face. FML

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By Lebac - 14/4/2015 08:33 - United States - Burlington

Today, I went to feed my neighbors' chickens while they were on vacation. I noticed the TV on inside, so I peeked in to see if the place was being messed with. Guess who found the neighbor home early, fully naked, and jerking off. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7835283 - Wednesday 21 August 2019 22:25

Please refrain from reproducing.

Thanks in advance.

Signed,
The Gene Pool

By chyiochan | 30

#7835297 - Wednesday 21 August 2019 23:27

Don't use your relationship as a bargaining chip for stupid shit. Communicate. Honestly, Just stop playing or playing with him. Don't talk to him about it, let him lose any fun he had playing with you because you walked away from it.

Comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7835283 - Wednesday 21 August 2019 22:25

Please refrain from reproducing.

Thanks in advance.

Signed,
The Gene Pool

By chyiochan | 30

#7835297 - Wednesday 21 August 2019 23:27

Don't use your relationship as a bargaining chip for stupid shit. Communicate. Honestly, Just stop playing or playing with him. Don't talk to him about it, let him lose any fun he had playing with you because you walked away from it.

By 123Puppy | 26

#7835306 - Wednesday 21 August 2019 23:47

You sound really immature...

By acmariner99 | 23

#7835339 - Thursday 22 August 2019 2:59

Both of you need to grow up.

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7835370 - Thursday 22 August 2019 7:04

Not really something which affects your life which is outside of your control. Maybe grow up a little and get some perspective?

By smartjaguargurl | 17

#7835553 - Thursday 22 August 2019 20:15

If you were jokingly threatening whatever, but if you were serious you should probably reevaluate your priorities

By AmbrosiaFan | 17

#7838168 - Friday 30 August 2019 1:40

Hopefully he broke up with you.