Today, my boyfriend and I went mini golfing with his family....

By Jacquelinez - 20/5/2012 18:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went mini golfing with his family. We had a competition going on, and when I managed to get two consecutive holes in one, he started seething and muttered that I'm dangerously close to becoming single. FML

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Miscellaneous

Dad jokes, part 43884

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Not a cheating!

By avalanche719 - 26/8/2010 15:09 - United States

Today, I went to pay my vehicle registration in person to avoid paying the $10.00 online service fee. After a long wait, I came out to find a $15.00 parking ticket on my car. FML

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By CiaoBella - 20/6/2016 03:16

Today, my son said his first word, which was, "Fuck". He got it from my great aunt, who my wife was skeptical of our son meeting because she "says too many bad words". Sorry honey. FML

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By poro123 - 5/11/2012 05:39 - United Kingdom

Today, my grandmother said to me, "You look just like your mother did at your age. Except you're fatter of course." FML

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By MaggotMother - 20/4/2013 10:51 - United States

Today, I learned what live maggots in chocolate cake taste like. FML

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54353

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By anonymous - 10/6/2009 22:50 - United States

Today, I decided to go swimming. I knew my technique would be off because I haven't swam since high school. It was when I made it only halfway across the pool that the lifeguard decided to jump in and save me. I wasn't drowning or struggling. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, I realized my job is so boring that I spend most of my time trying to take a dump than actually working. FML

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33513

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By Seline - 25/11/2010 14:48

Today, I woke up on the top bunk of my bed with the birds chirping. I felt so energized, I gave a big stretch, and my hand hit the ceiling. I accidentally pushed the ceiling board up and lots of tiny spiders fell on me and my bed. FML

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By city_girl - 4/2/2010 06:34 - United States

Today, I got rear-ended. In possibly the scariest part of downtown. At night. By a man who spoke hardly any English but managed to ask if I would go out dancing with him instead of calling my insurance company. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32923

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By Tyler_Padgett - 24/5/2009 23:52 - United States

Today, I was lighting fireworks for my cousin's birthday in my Grandmother's yard. When it came time to light the "Grand Finale", I read on the outside of the box,"Face this side toward crowd for best result". After I lit it, I realized that it was on it's side. I shot 100 fireworks at my family. FML

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By thompson773 - 20/4/2009 04:53 - United States

Today, I was sick on an airplane. As we were taking off, I felt like I was ready to hurl. I was sitting in the window seat and was unable to get up in time to go to the bathroom so I was forced to grab the nearest container to puke in. It was a glass of juice belonging to the woman next to me. FML

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By JustAnotherTina - 2/12/2009 15:26 - Australia

Today, I got an email. It said "Everyone hates you. We voted." FML

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39771

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2011 07:06 - United States

Today, it was so cold that I had to put slippers over my slippers. FML

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26524

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 00:21 - United States

Today, I woke up to the face of Billy, the puppet from Saw, staring down at me. I was so scared, I wet myself instantly. It was my cousin in a mask, who is staying over for Thanksgiving weekend. FML

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29968

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By thankspops - 29/9/2010 23:04 - United States

Today, I found out that the $200 a week I was paying my dad for my car insurance and payment, wasn't actually paying my insurance and car payment. How did I find out he wasn't paying? Repo man took my car. FML

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31507

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By lip - 24/12/2008 08:40 - France

Today, I was jerking off in the train washroom when the ticket inspector knocked at the door. I was nearly done so I didn't open right away. I didn't think he would have the key…I found myself face to face with him and three other passengers. The worst being I didn't have a ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2012 03:33 - United States

Today, I was getting dirty with my boyfriend. It was the first time he had fingered anyone, and the only thing he said was, "It feels like the inside of my asshole." FML

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By CreeperKiller2000 - 29/5/2017 00:00

Dude! Come on!

Today, I woke up really out of it, and as I was walking into the kitchen, I stubbed my toe on a tile. I sat down, then got up and stubbed the same toe against the table, went over to the kitchen and stubbed the same toe on the same tile again. FML

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3969

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By And I'm still single - 24/3/2013 08:59 - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, I found out that my picture from a dating profile was so "hilarious" that people have been posting it on Instagram with mean captions. FML

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By AH - 7/9/2009 18:16 - United States

Today, I told my parents that all I wanted for my 18th birthday was to go to a restaurant in NYC for a nice dinner. My parents denied me saying that it would cost too much money. I come home today to see my parents had bought a huge plasma screen TV for $800. We already have 3 tv's. FML

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47765

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By LittleFriend - 30/11/2017 06:00

Today, I was told I will receive no Christmas or birthday presents for the next 3 years because my parents paid for my rhinoplasty. I needed it because my 12-year-old brother smashed my nose with a hammer in a fit of rage. FML

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5770

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By yourekillingme - 19/2/2016 04:12 - United States - Mission

Today, I went to see a doctor because I have been feeling of pressure in my chest. After running numerous tests, I was told I was perfectly healthy and had nothing to worry about. I made it as far as the front door before I collapsed and had to be rushed to the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2013 13:29 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I was asked to leave a church service for laughing at the kids trying to sing. FML

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25047

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By nobar - 4/6/2019 06:00

Today, I learned how to make my fridge colder. I felt that what it was set on felt a little warmer than normal, so I turned it down. Now everything in my fridge is frozen. FML

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685

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2016 20:16 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I bought a treadmill as part of my goal to get fit for summer. It doesn't look like it's going to get much use, seeing as how I sprained my ankle trying to get it in my doorway. FML

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12414

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By Hm - 8/2/2010 04:03 - United States

Today, I found out the love of my life, my husband, is cheating on me. When I confronted him about it, his response was, "Don't blame me, you're the gullible bitch." FML

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By Kidsthesedays - 9/11/2015 19:33 - United Kingdom - Saint Neots

Today, a kid came into the classroom I teach in to tell me there was "something" in the girls' toilets. "What kind of something", I asked? I was not expecting the answer "A period mural". FML

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By omgjessp - 19/7/2009 03:12 - United States

Today, my cat came through my window, holding a dead rat in her mouth and dropped it in my pile of clothes. I then asked my dad if he could get the dead rat out of my room. After looking for an hour, he couldn't find it. Guess the rat wasn't dead after all. FML

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By holly - 24/5/2009 18:05 - United States

Today, I was watching tv on the couch. My mom then kicked me off so she could lie down. Exhausted, I asked if I could sit at the end. She said no. A minute later she called the dog to come sit with her. As I was sitting on the ground, my mom told me to move because "the dog can't see the TV." FML

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By cherry - 10/4/2009 09:43 - Australia

Today, I was fooling around with someone I had met at a club, in my room. It got really heated, and I was really getting into this guy, until he lifts up my leg and asks "Can I lick your leg?" FML

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59578

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2015 16:04 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after a broken smoke detector in my home caused the fire department to come, I got an angry visit from my neighbor who was upset because she had parked in front of a fire hydrant and got a ticket. She demands that I pay it, "or else." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33578

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By oprahahaha - 2/3/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date that my sister had set up. When I arrived at the coffeeshop, I approached a man waiting by the counter, asking if his name was Tim (my date's name). He looked at me and said no and then left with a drink clearly labeled "Tim" in bold letters. FML

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By NotANaturist - 1/1/2010 14:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I came home from a new years party wearing a shower curtain and nothing else. FML

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8770

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By Username - 1/5/2014 10:33 - United States

Today, my dog died. My parents told me to bury it out back. In the process, I managed to dig up my cat. FML

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53291

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2012 18:12 - United States - San Jacinto

Today, it's garbage day. My mom accidentally threw away a receipt she needed to return something and told me to go get it. While I was looking for it, a cop gave me hell for "stealing recyclables on private property." This all happened in my front lawn. FML

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25778

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By bobra - 21/10/2019 12:00

Helter Skelter

Today, I decided to face my fears and go on my first upside-down ride. Unfortunately for me, the two men in front of me had chosen to eat before the ride and I walked off with bits of strawberry and bacon in my hair, my clothes drenched in whitish fluid, not to mention the stench. FML

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1642

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, I swam in a race against all of the girls in the midwest in the hardest, longest, most grueling race you can swim. I won. Happy but so tired I could barely move, I looked up to see my time. I had been disqualified. For flinching. Before the race started. FML

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84505

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2009 09:58 - New Zealand

Today, I was working at a hospital-level rest home. I was making the rounds when I noticed a woman was sitting in her (electric) wheelchair in the middle of the hall. Going closer I saw her battery was flat so I said "Uh-oh! Looks like you've died." She bawled her eyes out and said "Not yet." FML

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16469

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2012 17:04 - United Kingdom - Bromley

Today, I took my driver's test. I was confident and thought everything would go well. My boss ended up calling me several times during the test. Turns out my colleague never showed up to cover for me, and my boss blamed me. Not only did I fail my test, I'm now suspended from work too. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2013 22:49 - Australia - Kensington

Today, my mother decided to inform me that she doesn't believe canned food can have an expiry date and that the food is still okay to eat years after the 'supposed' expiry date. She's probably been cooking my dinner with expired food for over 17 years. FML

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40844

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By JJMan217 - 29/3/2011 06:28 - Canada

Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation lube will put you in the hospital and result in having to wear an adult diaper for a week. FML

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Top comments

By elerbears | 9

#4460752 - Monday 21 May 2012 1:04

mini golf is serious shit

By THE_A_TEEN | 27

#4460764 - Monday 21 May 2012 1:06

This is the part where you shove your putter up his arse and yell "HOLE IN ONE".

Comments

By OL_What_FER | 1

#4460747 - Monday 21 May 2012 1:04

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

tjv3 | 10

#4460767 - Monday 21 May 2012 1:06

Sounds like he is a sore loser. Better run.

ucoolgirl31 | 20

#4460806 - Monday 21 May 2012 1:09

I hate it when guys get embarrassed when girls are better at things. I like it when guys are ok with it.

Roevera | 14

#4460993 - Monday 21 May 2012 2:14

Oh, okay 1.. cause i'm sure that would solve all their relationship problems.

HoboSmeller | 6

#4461122 - Monday 21 May 2012 3:04

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Boygenius50 | 8

#4461539 - Monday 21 May 2012 5:19

41, it would appear that your sarcasm detector needs new batteries.

trivel64 | 16

#4461577 - Monday 21 May 2012 5:33

It's hilariously ironic how you can say that but not understand HER sarcasm, 41.

starman02 | 12

#4461714 - Monday 21 May 2012 6:26

LOL! I thought the FML was funny! Some people ( gals and guys) get so competitive! I hate losing!

Tali147 | 16

#4461734 - Monday 21 May 2012 6:33

I think you can tell a lot about a man by his reaction when he is not the best at something. My Hamud is proud that I am a good shot and doesnt get mad that this means he is not as good with guns. He is better at many things.

kyarush | 10

#4461837 - Monday 21 May 2012 7:12

Lol That's awesome

taco_bender | 12

#4461876 - Monday 21 May 2012 7:27

If you can't beat her in mini golf join her.

taco_bender | 12

#4461889 - Monday 21 May 2012 7:30

Just take her paintballing after.

By thanks_asshole | 2

#4460749 - Monday 21 May 2012 1:04

he's a keeper

cradle6 | 13

#4460836 - Monday 21 May 2012 1:12

I disagree. He sounds like a prick.

Your call though

reddudeover | 2

#4460903 - Monday 21 May 2012 1:32

He's a creeper!

GuyFluteBandGeek | 0

#4461048 - Monday 21 May 2012 2:33

That's what I said, too.

dogluver900 | 2

#4461168 - Monday 21 May 2012 3:23

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

white16sox | 19

#4461324 - Monday 21 May 2012 4:08

There is a difference between sarcasm and using a crappy overused comment.

shellz102 | 12

#4461504 - Monday 21 May 2012 5:08

You just questioned his manhood. Don't ever do that...

ddddddddg | 9

#4461787 - Monday 21 May 2012 6:54

How original

nateiztite | 5

#4473461 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 23:28

#70 i've never seen that comment used on this site before. I'd say it's not that over used at all.

By jesspie | 8

#4460750 - Monday 21 May 2012 1:04

what a dick.

Rosado | 0

#4460839 - Monday 21 May 2012 1:13

I don't know. Some people are way too competitive over such shit like that, and always get best of some people. It's better to have fun than striking one.

moodi_fml | 0

#4460927 - Monday 21 May 2012 1:40

I hope he solves his jealously issues before marriage or they should end their relationship now

Wreakorofhavoc | 1

#4460968 - Monday 21 May 2012 2:05

That's not a jealousy issue. He's probably just very competitive.

boofgall | 16

#4463078 - Monday 21 May 2012 15:59

If I heard that, I probably would've said, "Oh yeah? You're dangerously close to losing this game."

Us3rn4m3_H3r3 | 9

#5550471 - Monday 24 June 2013 22:04

You're a fucking genius, 118. That was hilarious.

By elerbears | 9

#4460752 - Monday 21 May 2012 1:04

mini golf is serious shit

TheMysticSilas | 0

#4461192 - Monday 21 May 2012 3:28

^agree

white16sox | 19

#4461532 - Monday 21 May 2012 5:15

This is why we have the thumbs up/ thumbs down feature. Instead of making a comment saying " I agree," you just hit that thumbs up button.

PYLrulz | 17

#4461619 - Monday 21 May 2012 5:50

Yes it is...

... Maybe that's why my previous girlfriend broke up with me a while back

By MEM0817 | 18

#4460757 - Monday 21 May 2012 1:05

It's not your fault you're awesome! Tell him to bugger off. :]

tygerarmy | 35

#4461079 - Monday 21 May 2012 2:50

I'd wait 'til the end of the game, then say "hey honey, just like this game we're over."
Anyone who'd break up with you over a game isn't worth your time.

dogluver900 | 2

#4461185 - Monday 21 May 2012 3:26

Yet your telling op to break up with him over a game @51

Shrike | 22

#4461201 - Monday 21 May 2012 3:30

Not over a game - over his immaturity and obvious anger issues.

beastroish | 0

#4461782 - Monday 21 May 2012 6:52

5- Haah!! I love your shirt!

bvxf | 2

#4462152 - Monday 21 May 2012 8:52

Boobs

EvilTwerp | 12

#4462957 - Monday 21 May 2012 15:24

Ah sweet Jesus. The fact that you capitalized and used correct punctuation satisfies me! It's hard to believe that a grammar enthusiast site is allowing that sort of behavior.