Today, I talked to my husband about leaving his parents' house....

By RDS

Today, I talked to my husband about leaving his parents' house. He said, and I quote, ''No. I don't want the responsibility of paying bills.'' FML

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TMI

Race against the clock

Clean break

By Emil - United States

Today, I was caught stealing a video game. I realized after my parents were called that the case was actually empty. FML

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By highschoolsucks - United States

Today, I let out a monstrous fart at the gym. They said it didn't even sound human. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Engadine

Today, some kid decided to pee in the kids' play area at work. Because I was the shortest employee working at the time, I got to climb through the area to mop it up, while all the kids pointed and laughed at me. FML

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By S. Dub - 10/4/2020 05:00

Acting is hard work

Today, my boyfriend told me that I needed to moan louder so that he knew I was enjoying it. Reluctantly, I put a little 'umph' into my moans during the next round. He pulled out and said, "It's just awkward now." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my daughter's biggest aspiration is to create a time machine for the sole purpose of going to the '70s to see the Ramones in concert. FML

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By IHateBagels - United States

Today, I was cutting a bagel, only to slice the back of my hand with the knife. As I grabbed paper towels to clean up the blood, I noticed that the bagel was pre-sliced. FML

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By boopingsnoot

Today, while working at the vet, we had a familiar little dog show up for a minor procedure. The dog always sits on its owner's lap on the drive over, and always gets peed on. Not talking about dog pee. And we're not allowed to bathe it because that service costs extra. FML

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By frustrated! - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me a freak for wanting to have sex for a second night in a row. FML

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By Honestly - United Kingdom - Measham

Today, I had to teach my mother that tampons do not belong in the toilet. FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, I asked my mom why she decided to be a parent. She replied, in all seriousness, "Everyone else was doing it." FML

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By jack s.b. - United States - Austin

Today, my dad walked in on me jacking off. He swore and told me to lock my door next time. Later on I heard him snickering and telling my mom that I jack off "real weird." FML

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By lostvideo - Israel

Today, I realized that I hadn't seen my video camera in a while. After searching for several minutes in my room, I remembered that I had given it to my dad to hide before our month long trip (so even if someone broke into the house the video camera would be safe). He's forgotten where he hid it. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2020 16:56

Family matters

Today, I was told by step-dad, who I live with, that my mom "hates my guts" while smiling so big, because he got a call from her. He's so desperate for her to come back that all the lying, cheating, manipulation, and emotional abuse doesn't push him away. She's a tornado. FML

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By Brotherssuckkk - France

Today, my mom asked me to clean beneath my brother's bed for money. I found a rotten apple, a picture of my best friend, and a dead bird. I got $10. FML

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By mr - United States

Today, I realized every time I go to take a poop, my 9 month old crawls into the bathroom and sobs at my feet. I now have to let my 9 month old sit on my lap while I shit, because I can't do it any other way. The end to all privacy has now come. FML

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By vidzgrl - Canada

Today, I was feeling sick, so I called my boyfriend who lives down the street to come and keep me company. He replied with, "no, I can't come over, I'm busy, I'm playing xbox." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 16-year-old son broke two of his fingers playing with Play-Doh. FML

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By Entheatus - Canada

Today, I polished off the delicious iced gingerbread cookies in the pantry. I'd assumed the little flecks on them were speckles of broken icing, but as I went to throw the cookie bag away, a larva crawled out. The hundreds of flecks were moth eggs. I've been eating the cookies for three days. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I needed some contact lens solution, so I left my room to look in my sister's room to see if she had any. I walked in to see my mom sucking my dad off on her bed. They didn't see me so I walked away, but the image is engraved in my mind forever now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, everyone in my department got a raise except for me. Last week, I had been the one who asked for a raise for me and my fellow department members. FML

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By BustedEgo - United States - Norway

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't know what it's like to be turned on. Apparently, I've been doing something wrong for the past two years. FML

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By malicemassacre - 17/1/2021 23:01

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

Today, I found out that the rivalry between my boyfriend and my only friend I have in this city was just a cover up. I'm now a single mom of a 2 year-old and a 5 month-old. FML

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By GreenScar - United States

Today, my brother's new girlfriend, who is blind, asked to feel my face so she could tell what I look like. She said I was "unique". A blind chick just told me I was ugly. FML

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By boom - United States

Today, my crush gave me a ride home. When I opened the door to get out, he switched the gear to reverse, thinking the car was in park. I got run over by the car door. FML

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By muscalata

Today, my girlfriend sent a text asking if I think she’s pretty. I replied "Yes, of course!" She then got mad and blocked me. Turns out she'd said "petty". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rochester

Today, my 12-year-old daughter informed me that she is eager to lose her virginity, "Because I don't want to be thrown into a volcano!" FML

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By kiddoc - United States

Today, I was happily playing with my young niece and nephew. Their grandmother was watching and said, "You are so good with children! Why don't you have any?" My husband died 3 months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Antelope

Today, I was walking home, when a car heading the other way hit a traffic cone. I must have been an asshole in a previous life, because the universe decided to make sure the cone flew into the side of my head. The bystanders were shocked for all of two seconds before laughing. FML

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By CantWin - United States - Provo

Today, after finally applying myself and busting my butt all semester, I found out the school is accusing me of cheating because they couldn't believe I could have gotten near-perfect grades considering my grade history. If this is how society rewards academic turnarounds, why do I even bother? FML

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By bullah007 - Pakistan - Lahore

Today, my friend made a fake account on Facebook, pretending to be a girl, and posted my phone number on a sexting group. I've been getting calls and text messages from horny weirdos all day long. FML

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By Not turnt - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, I realized the only reason my mom trusts me to stay home alone for long periods of time is because I don't have enough friends to throw a party. FML

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By vanessa560 - Canada

Today, my dog started limping as we were walking home. I thought she'd hurt herself, so I picked her up and carried her home. Once we arrived, I put her down, at which point she ran around and played as if nothing had happened. I fell for my lazy dog's plan to get me to carry her home. FML

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By catdog - United States - West Sacramento

Today, my neighbor went on vacation, leaving me in charge of his cat and dog. For some reason, he calls his dog "Cat" and his cat "Dog". There are two pet food containers, one labeled "Cat" and the other labeled "Dog". I have no idea which one goes to which animal. FML

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By EdgardoP - United States - Allentown

Today, I got a cramp while swimming. It took the lifeguard 5 minutes to stop flirting with a girl before trying to help me. FML

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By justin Bieber - United States - Westland

Today, I was on a boat and I thought I saw a towel fly off, but it was actually my fricken dog. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML

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By SBae - United States - Uniontown

Today, I waited for the single bathroom for a very long time. I finally knocked on the door and found no one was in there. FML

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By SebastianCT - United States - Tampa

Today, I learned that it's possible to get hit by a bird while bungee jumping. FML

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By I'm donnnneeee - United States - Slidell

Today, I finished a 6-part project. It took me 7 hours of straight work because my partner decided I should do it alone. I then learned that the reason my partner did not help me was because the teacher e-mailed the leader of every group, saying the project was cancelled. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2021 16:01 - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Gratitude walks

Today, my sister slept with my boyfriend while I was at work providing for the both of them as well as our child. I let her move in after our mother kicked her out. FML

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Top comments

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7819245 - Monday 8 July 2019 18:02

so why are you 2 married

By Justkidding100 | 36

#7819247 - Monday 8 July 2019 18:15

you're the one who married a man who still lives with his parents and clearly has no sense of responsibility. YDI.

COMMENTS

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7819245 - Monday 8 July 2019 18:02

so why are you 2 married

By Justkidding100 | 36

#7819247 - Monday 8 July 2019 18:15

you're the one who married a man who still lives with his parents and clearly has no sense of responsibility. YDI.

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7819277 - Monday 8 July 2019 19:37

That is what happens when you marry at 16 years old.

By Helmut Arias Rodriguez | 21

#7819281 - Monday 8 July 2019 19:44

He’s right

By Sinshine | 27

#7819340 - Monday 8 July 2019 22:05

How did this boy convince you to marry him?

By acmariner99 | 24

#7819359 - Monday 8 July 2019 23:49

FYL and YDI. Why’d you marry a child?

By Susan Yee | 9

#7819365 - Tuesday 9 July 2019 0:10

I hope you two haven’t had kids yet, simpler divorce process.

By Lurker1 | 9

#7819380 - Tuesday 9 July 2019 1:03

I'm not saying he's right, but I understand...

By Mathalamus | 24

#7819421 - Tuesday 9 July 2019 6:42

I don't blame him. Cost of living is expensive, and if he knows that he can't afford it, why should he move out?

By Alessa Noriega | 5

#7819676 - Wednesday 10 July 2019 2:59

Congratulations on marrying a child