Kids: Today, I surprised my four year old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur.... - FML

By douglas - 17/07/2011 07:14 - United States

Today, I surprised my four year old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it 'Horny.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 121

You deserved it 8 227

Batman

Kids is hard work

Classic switcheroo

By Anonymous - 09/08/2017 20:00

Spicy

Today, I got a call from the wife, but I was asleep so she left a voicemail. Seems like she accidentally called while sleeping with another man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 036

You deserved it 342

Alarmed

By Anonymous - 22/02/2021 14:02

Today, my sister promised to wake me up at 8 for my 9:30 class. She woke me at noon, and only because I was snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 520

You deserved it 900

By Señor Guapo - 04/03/2009 17:42 - United States

Today, I was in spanish class, having a debate about the death penalty. When I went to make a point, I meant to say "La pena de muerte", which means "The death penalty". I said, "La pene de muerte". Turns out that means, "The penis of death". FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 652

You deserved it 45 343

By t - 17/05/2011 03:26

Today, I got a really bad cramp while I was swimming in my neighborhood pool. I started to go under until the lifeguard jumped in and saved me. I guess it would have been great, if I wasn't a fellow lifeguard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 698

You deserved it 6 135

By feelthelove - 02/11/2009 18:08 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up after a night of drinking to find a very gorgeous girl in my bed. Her only words to me were "did anything happen?" When I replied yes she began to cry. Nice to know I was someone's rock bottom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 474

You deserved it 5 559

By Anonymous - 02/07/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I had a consultation for an upcoming surgery I need done. The doctor (very handsome and in his late twenties) asked me to flex my stomach and act like I was trying to use the bathroom. As I was enjoying him touching my stomach, I fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 931

You deserved it 8 610

By Anonymous - 21/09/2009 20:22 - United States

Today, I got a new computer because my old one crashed, deleting all music, photos, and documents. I still had all my music on my iPod though, and went to sync it to the new computer. By accident, my younger brother pulled the cord out before it was done, deleting all 3,000 songs forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 014

You deserved it 7 057

By lois2lane - 23/12/2009 07:15 - United States

Today, a car was tailgating and honking at me while trying to pass me, so I decided to be a bitch back and go extremely slow. We got to a two lane road and the car passed me up. The man in the front seat flipped me off while pointing to his wife in the back seat who was clearly in labor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 945

You deserved it 67 877

By mathii - 23/07/2011 23:52 - France

Today, I was doing swimming practice at the pool. I suddenly got breathless, dizzy, and felt like I was drowning. I cried out to the instructor, telling him I had a weak heart. He shouted back, "I don't care about your girlfriend's problems! Swim, bitch!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 685

You deserved it 6 131

By AquaRevolver - 25/05/2009 10:35 - New Zealand

Today, me and my girlfriend went paintballing. I made sure we were on the same team, so I could protect her and be manly. The first time she got shot was by me, I shot her finger. It broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 643

You deserved it 54 278

By Anonymous - 03/01/2013 11:43 - Australia - Gosford

Today, I paused the movie my girlfriend and I were watching and told her, for the first time, that I loved her. Her response was to stare at me silently for a few seconds before unpausing the film. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 201

You deserved it 7 018

By casey - 25/03/2009 00:11 - United States

Today, I was sitting at home when I remembered that I desperately needed gas for my car. On my way there, I prayed that my car would make it the whole way, and was thankful when I pulled up to the pump, because I knew my car wouldn't go any further. Then I realized I left my wallet at my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 827

You deserved it 26 406

By Seriously? - 09/03/2014 06:08 - United States - Mill Valley

Today, a teenage girl bumped into me and my phone fell out of my hands, and over the Golden Gate Bridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 636

You deserved it 6 151

By BALEIGHLOVE17 - 20/05/2011 05:46

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me. Ten minutes after, he called me asking how to change his relationship status on facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 720

You deserved it 3 724

By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 23:04 - United States

Today, the handle in the port-a-potty broke off, with me inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 027

You deserved it 2 834

By blah56 - 23/06/2012 05:17 - United States - Vine Grove

Today, my husband put some photos of our wedding on Facebook. He named the album "FML". FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 470

You deserved it 3 537

By stillavirgin - 03/01/2010 07:41 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I changed my 2009 new year's resolution to lose my virginity to my 2010 new year's resolution. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 137

You deserved it 5 904

By porkythighs - 27/12/2009 14:19 - Singapore

Today, I was driving in the car with my boyfriend and he couldn't keep his hands off me. Nothing to complain about when your boyfriend likes to touch you, right? Except when he keeps smacking your jiggly thighs to watch the ripples and 'tenderize the pork chops'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 287

You deserved it 7 770

By Tom - 26/06/2009 00:56 - United States

Today, I rushed home to tell my parents my girlfriend had accepted my proposal. They asked how I could be so selfish at a time like this. Apparently, Michael Jackson's death is more important than their son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 769

You deserved it 6 873

By Kat - 17/09/2009 02:19 - United States

Today, I was trying out for a play I really wanted to be in. After my audition, I was feeling really good. She said she would post the cast list tomorrow. Not knowing where she would post it, I asked her. Her reply? "It doesn't matter. You won't be on it anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 187

You deserved it 3 314

By Willow - 17/06/2011 23:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me why he stood me up last night instead of coming over to visit. Apparently me telling him I couldn't wait for him to do naughty things to me turned him off, and made him feel like a piece of meat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 994

You deserved it 11 733

By seanzynotfonzyehhhhh - 04/08/2016 05:16 - United States

Today, my boss told me to find the bad smell coming from the apartment we were working on. I found the bath tub about 4 inches high full of piss and spent the next hour bailing it out into a bucket because the drain wasn't connected yet. I have pee stain in all the wrong places. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 414

You deserved it 850

By Anonymous - 26/01/2012 21:05 - United States

Today, I had my first chorus concert. We got a bigger applause when we left the stage than when we sang. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 482

You deserved it 6 781

Clever girl.

By Anonymous - 12/10/2017 23:15

Today, I made a cup of coffee for a lovely old lady on the dementia ward. She asked for quite a lot of sugar in her drink, but I didn't question it. The moment I gave her the coffee, she threw it all over me. While scalding my skin, it also stuck to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 197

You deserved it 240

By Anonymous - 26/07/2015 16:36 - Finland - Vammala

Today, my girlfriend called me and said she needs to take a break from our relationship. Why? Her really clingy ex is really depressed about her dating someone else and he isn't ready to accept it. So she wants to take a break "for his sake" until he's over her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 896

You deserved it 2 341

By disaster... - 20/05/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, my mom and my step dad decided they're getting a divorce. They've been married for 2 weeks and I paid for a quarter of the wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 262

You deserved it 6 583

By FailAtLife - 22/02/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I had a job interview at a restauraunt opening up. One manager hypothetically asked me why I should be hired. I said I was more efficient than most. I left to find I'd locked my keys in the car. It took all the managers to help me get my keys out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 159

You deserved it 33 665

That devil water

By Anonymous - 08/04/2020 14:00

Today, my boyfriend went to his friends house to drink. He told me he’s a happy drinker, and I believed him. He calls me drunk about three hours later and tells me he’s been thinking about cheating on me for a long time, and that he also thinks about "being with other women." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 763

You deserved it 161

They are that good

By m…… - 22/08/2021 18:01

Today, my daughter cried because she went to Sonic and they were out of tater tots. When I say she cried, I mean actual tears fell from her eyes. She’s 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 777

You deserved it 160

By Anonymous - 02/05/2015 02:22 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I lost my virginity to the girl of my dreams. I could tell she really enjoyed it, because she muttered "Well, that was disappointing." afterwards, then got dressed, said she'd made a huge mistake, and asked me not to call her again. Yep, total stud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 915

You deserved it 4 102

By me - 07/08/2011 07:22 - United States

Today, I arrived at the beach for a week's vacation. I walk on the beach only to find they are "rebuilding" it. They have heavy machinery all over the place, they work 24/7, and this only happens every 15 years. Glad I picked this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 926

You deserved it 3 702

By Anonymous - 23/09/2014 17:29 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss changed some company calendar settings on my computer to see what they'd be like. He didn't like it, so he told me to change it back, then left. I have no idea what he changed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 978

You deserved it 3 697

By Anonymous - 18/01/2014 22:55 - United States - Somerset

Spicy

Today, while I was fooling around with my girlfriend, she hurt her hand. It obviously wasn't very serious, so I told her to stop faking it. She responded, "Wanna know what I actually fake? My orgasms." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 598

You deserved it 64 264

By sprainedankle - 17/05/2013 20:49 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, I got a mosquito bite inside my cast. I slipped a ruler into it and started scratching to relieve the itch. Part of the ruler ended up snapping off inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 572

You deserved it 15 700

By sam - 15/12/2010 20:11 - United States

Today, I got a text just before class that my partner didn't finish their half of our 30 page research paper because "That class is stupid". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 772

You deserved it 4 081

By markymark - 17/05/2011 17:36 - United States

Today, I took a final for my law class. As I was taking the test, I noticed the girl on my left copying off me. I wrote all the wrong answers on my sheet while writing the correct answers on my desk hoping she would copy the wrong answers down. I forgot to write the correct answers on my test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 124

You deserved it 69 069

By noyodel - 04/07/2009 04:04 - Italy

Today, I had been planning a family trip for months. My father had all his bags packed, ready to go in the car. He had my grandmother's ashes in his suitcase, and planned to spread them on a mountain. This morning our car was broken into and everything was stolen. The thief stole my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 367

You deserved it 3 374

By Wellthisishawkward - 14/08/2015 22:40 - United States

Today, as I was driving, a bird swooped down, right in front of my car. I didn't have enough time to react, and so I had to listen to my wife cry the rest of the way home. She kept talking about how it bounced off the windshield and how it probably had a family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 673

You deserved it 2 877

By Brian - 18/03/2012 02:32 - United States - East Wenatchee

Today, while I was cuddling with my girlfriend, she looked at me and leaned in. Thinking she was going to kiss me, I leaned too. Just as we were about to kiss, she screamed "COW KISSES" and somehow managed to lick my eyeball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 134

You deserved it 5 088

By preggo - 19/02/2012 08:55 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend's father suggested that, ideally, I should aim to have my baby in early July, or wait until he gets back from Europe in October. I'm due September 4th, and he will be "incredibly disappointed" if he misses the birth of his first grandchild due to my "selfishness". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 043

You deserved it 3 097

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Sunday 17 July 2011 15:59

that's so cute! haha awww :)

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Sunday 17 July 2011 15:59

Coincidence?

Comments

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Sunday 17 July 2011 15:59

Coincidence?

xlord 27

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Sunday 17 July 2011 16:09

wow I would be worried about what's going to happen in 15 years then

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Sunday 17 July 2011 16:15

triceratops + horny = pornstar daughter!

Iamnotmyself 17

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Sunday 17 July 2011 16:25

Let me guess, you got her a dinosaur depicting explicit details to teach her about her no-no places?

worldcupcheer17 0

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Sunday 17 July 2011 16:29

haha right now the ydi is 69 even though it'll go up I thought it was a coincidence :)

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Sunday 17 July 2011 16:43

Mwahahaha I'm finally in the top 5! suck it losers!

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Sunday 17 July 2011 16:44

Ke$ha? i blame her for your horny d-i-n-o-saur.

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Sunday 17 July 2011 17:05

and I named my squirtle penis (Y)

Trololololololo_fml 7

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Sunday 17 July 2011 17:06

Maybe she was reffering to the fact that the dinosaur has a big horn?

worldcupcheer17 0

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Sunday 17 July 2011 17:10

77- I already know your comment will be moderated.

YacL 15

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Sunday 17 July 2011 17:11

Barney's brother, or is it just me? It's probably just me.

Iamnotmyself 17

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Sunday 17 July 2011 17:18

-93 I'm sorry to inform, but, yes it was just you.

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Sunday 17 July 2011 17:22

Bring your daughter to south carolina, where we show our support for college football by wearing shirts with COCKS written across the chest. Horny would be welcome here.

YacL 15

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Sunday 17 July 2011 17:22

100- Does that make me unique or a loner?

Iamnotmyself 17

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Sunday 17 July 2011 17:25

-103 depends, do you play WoW or not?

YacL 15

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Sunday 17 July 2011 17:28

106- I'm just guessing here, but I'll say no.

dinodannyrawr 5

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Sunday 17 July 2011 17:29

I bet she likes to play with her stuff animal alot.

Iamnotmyself 17

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Sunday 17 July 2011 17:32

-108 Congrats your unique :D but probably sick minded, why you son of a....

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Sunday 17 July 2011 15:59

that's so cute! haha awww :)

F2M2L 5

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Sunday 17 July 2011 16:19

hopefully it had horns. lol.

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Sunday 17 July 2011 16:24

I agree, cute not FML.. Tell her future husband about it at her wedding :)

instnt1nfction 17

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Sunday 17 July 2011 16:29

found a name for my new dog

iSitt 0

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Sunday 17 July 2011 17:23

wasn't that the eighth drawf?

MizzErikaHart 8

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Sunday 17 July 2011 16:00

suggest henry...?

RainbowzSkittlez 6

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Sunday 17 July 2011 16:22

Or Bob?

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Sunday 17 July 2011 16:27

Why not Hugh G. Rection?

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Sunday 17 July 2011 17:04

Ben Dover

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Sunday 17 July 2011 17:11

Chuck Horris?

OrgasmicBunnies 9

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Sunday 17 July 2011 17:11

Dixie Normous. Dixie Wrected?

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Sunday 17 July 2011 17:17

Harry Zack O'Balls

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Sunday 17 July 2011 16:00

I love your kid already

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Sunday 17 July 2011 17:08

if only ur daughter were my mom...

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Sunday 17 July 2011 17:17

op would b ur grandma?

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Sunday 17 July 2011 16:00

haha that's a sexy name :)

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Sunday 17 July 2011 16:01

So, your perverted mind turned a cute dinosaur name into something about sex? What's the problem?

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Sunday 17 July 2011 16:05

I agree.... No child knows what horny actually means.... Well, no child I know....

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Sunday 17 July 2011 16:20

yeah... I had a cat named pussy when I was young:S

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Sunday 17 July 2011 16:02

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

yankeebaceball 1

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Sunday 17 July 2011 16:58

in as many words, that's the innocence of childhood. the only problem with that name is in your head!

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Sunday 17 July 2011 16:02

dude, she's four years old. calm down.. it's not like it was intentional

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Sunday 17 July 2011 16:03

so what

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Sunday 17 July 2011 16:03

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13

You deserved it 9

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 16

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 100

You deserved it 1 960

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 848

You deserved it 190