Kids: Today, I surprised my four year old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur.... - FML

By douglas - United States

Today, I surprised my four year old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it 'Horny.' FML

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Messed up

Thanks for being so compassionate

The Other Woman

By cheaterscheat - United States - Saint James

Today, I went to the hospital due to extreme sickness. My boyfriend saw this as an opportune time to take another girl out since I was "otherwise preoccupied." FML

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By danielle887 - United States

Today, I decided to pay a surprise visit to my family after I got some work leave. I drove over and knocked on the door, and a young couple answered. Apparently, my entire family decided to move to Texas, and didn't bother to tell me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my husband told me he cheated on me two years ago with his ex-fiancée. In the process, he got her pregnant, but said it was okay, because she didn't keep it. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2020 02:01

Unhappy Birthday

Today, none of my family was at home. Turns out my one of my aunts was having a birthday party and all my relatives went, but nobody told me because they don’t like me coming around. FML

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By Tagged - United States

Today, I accidentally left the tag on the new pants that I wore to work. Nobody had brought it to my attention for the whole day until finally, before I was about to go home, every single employee and my boss let me know by yelling in unison and laughing as I left the building. FML

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By Lindy - 10/2/2021 03:58 - United Kingdom

Morning surprise

Today, when I woke up, I thought I’d be sexy by waking my girlfriend with oral sex. Still half asleep, she said, “Robert, stop it that tickles.” My name is Linda, we’re a lesbian couple who've never expressed interest in men, so who the fuck is Robert? FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boss called me into his office and bitched me out for a good half hour for my attitude to our customers. Apparently I always look pissed off and sound sarcastic. That's just my face at rest. FML

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By me - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate for the first time. He was sucking on my boob, everything was going good. He suddenly stopped and started choking really bad. He thought milk was coming out. Turns out, it was just his gum. The moment was ruined. FML

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By maddie! - United States

Today, I was walking in the park with my boyfriend of 3 years. He stopped and knelt down in front of me. I started to panic, then he told me to calm down, my shoe was untied. FML

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By TowelSinger

Today, I was at a choir convention, and everyone sings the national anthem outside their rooms each night. I was not informed and took a shower. My roommates opened the door, yanked me out, and locked me out of the room to sing wearing just a towel. The guy down the hall was video taping it. FML

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By Twitchy - Bahamas

Today, I watched a cat pounce on a small bird and rip it to shreds, feather by feather. It wouldn't have been any worse than mildly disturbing, had I not just spent the last 4 weeks nursing the bird back to health from a broken wing. FML

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By Really jealous - 26/1/2021 09:31 - India

Creeped out

Today, my best friend confided in me that she's going to have sex with her cousin. Shocked, I tried to convince her not to and how it's a horrible idea. She called me a jealous bastard who can't get laid. FML

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By Bjax

Shame on you!

Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5am to tell me she was mad at me. Apparently I did something bad in her dream. She still won't talk to me. FML

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By FMAhole - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while at the office, a surprise Valentine's gift arrived for me, the first I've ever received. It was a box of heart-shaped cookies. From my mother. I'm 39. FML

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By ridella

Today, I was in the emergency room. The doctor told me that my injuries and back problems are the intensity of those after a car accident. I slipped on a grape. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 11:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Missing the one

Today, I had a dream where I was with my last girlfriend, from five years ago. Nothing dirty. Just leaning on each other, talking, and smiling. Woke up and felt like she was really here, and now I miss her as much as when she had to leave the country. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up fully clothed, trying to remember the night's events. I walk to the den to awkwardly ask my dad for a ride to my car and he points to the computer. A pic of me passed out on the bathroom floor is now our new wallpaper. My skirt was around my knees. He sent it to everyone we know. FML

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By ktm1313 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I donated blood for the first time. It wasn't until I passed out on the ice during hockey practice that I remembered the nurse warning me not to do any type of exercise. FML

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By A2 - United States

Today, I was at the movies with my mom and dad, and the preview to my "My Sisters Keeper" came on. The trailer started out with "Most babies are accidents..." Right as that line was finished my mom elbowed me and laughed. FML

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By Anonameow

Today, I woke up to an unexpected surprise for my birthday. It wasn't cake, nor ice cream. It was hundreds of baby spiders crawling all over me. FML

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By smashed - United States

Today, I bought my nephew some giant green Incredible Hulk fists for his birthday. He thanked me by Hulk-smashing me in the nuts. FML

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By Random737193 - United States - Haddonfield

Today, my girlfriend and I somehow got into the conversation of what the weirdest thing we have ever found in food was. She said she found paper in her fortune cookie; she was serious. FML

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By Human fly - Canada - Maple Ridge

Today, I put up one of those hanging fly catchers in my room due to the unsettling amount of flies in the house. I remarked how stupid flies were to land on them. Within an hour, I got up and walked straight into it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, my boss decided that, because I got dragged into a vacation that I didn't even want to go on, she was going to take a promotion back before she even gave it to me. I don't know what's worse, losing the promotion or going on that crappy vacation. FML

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By ohgod - United States

Today, I found out my husband had bought my 1-year-old daughter a shirt that says "Birth Control Fail" in pink glittery letters. He even took her out in it while I was at work. FML

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By awkward wedding

Today, a girl confessed that she's loved me for years and wants to marry me and have my children. It was my half-sister and she said it in front of everyone at a family wedding. I don't know who to be most afraid of at this point: her fiancé or my stepdad. FML

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By Disappointed Teacher - Canada - Surrey

Today, I taught a college course with a group of 30 adults. I was educating them on leadership and gave a 25 minute lecture, with examples like Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King, and how they changed the world. Then I opened the forum to see who inspired them. The response? Donald Trump. FML

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By Greenpuppy416 - 4/7/2020 05:02

Bad date #3764

Today, I had a date at a formal restaurant I'm well known at. My date showed up two and a half hours late with a jogging suit on, and then got mad at me for ordering, eating, and paying without him. FML

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By LearnToLive

Today, I'm on a trip to Poland with some friends. We came to experience the country's culture, and to challenge our preconceptions about this part of Europe. We had sat on a bench, and not ten seconds later, a stranger approached and asked, "How much for your friend?" FML

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By hadtocleanthemess - Canada

Today, my dog got his head stuck in a container, panicked, and shat himself all over the living room. FML

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By sauce - United States

Today, after months of looking, my fiancé and I finally signed a lease. We are using my savings to pay for it. This apparently poses a "moral dilemma" for my in-laws who think we should wait to be married. I'm paying for an apartment I'm not allowed to live in. FML

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By Awkward - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me to meet his friends at one of his exclusive "clubs." Expecting it to be his old friends from college, I agreed to go. Apparently, I've been dating a member of the Ku Klux Klan for 2 years. FML

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By Forever sad - United States

Today, I learned that my mother might not live much longer. My boyfriend, instead of showing compassion asked me, "We're still having video chat sex, right?" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, as soon as I got home, my girlfriend was waiting for me at the door. She told me she was breaking up with me, the reason? She found a girl's shirt in my closet and that she didn't need a cheating boyfriend. That shirt was mine. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went on a second date with a guy who seemed perfect in every way possible. That is until he started mentioned how children are a deal-breaker for him. I had to break it to him that I have a 14 month old daughter. He actually had the balls to ask if I'd ever consider foster care. Seriously, dude? FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my 16-year-old cousin came to visit for the week. So far, she's said "raunchy", "cray-cray", "legit", and "like" an uncountable number of times. She's only been here for a half hour. FML

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By Butqhy

Today, while in the airport, I had to use the washroom. Upon exiting, I got confused due to an excess of mirrors and walked directly into one in front of an audience. FML

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By tannarox - United States

Today, our rodent problem was taken care of. I discovered this when my cat projectile-vomited a soggy, death-scented wad of dark fur and tiny organs onto the couch. FML

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By nurse4life - United States - Moultrie

420 BLAZE IT BRO!!!

Today, a patient at the hospital where I work asked me if he and his son could light up a joint. He was on oxygen, and serious. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I slept through my alarm because it was drowned out by humming. My humming, in my sleep. Even my body is against me waking up on time. FML

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Top comments

By Niicky_fml | 20

#2914184 - Sunday 17 July 2011 15:59

that's so cute! haha awww :)

By Bowser6622 | 5

#2914179 - Sunday 17 July 2011 15:59

Coincidence?

COMMENTS

By Bowser6622 | 5

#2914179 - Sunday 17 July 2011 15:59

Coincidence?

Reply

xlord | 27

#2914300 - Sunday 17 July 2011 16:09

wow I would be worried about what's going to happen in 15 years then

Reply

ryno101 | 3

#2914344 - Sunday 17 July 2011 16:15

triceratops + horny = pornstar daughter!

Reply

Iamnotmyself | 17

#2914439 - Sunday 17 July 2011 16:25

Let me guess, you got her a dinosaur depicting explicit details to teach her about her no-no places?

Reply

worldcupcheer17 | 0

#2914493 - Sunday 17 July 2011 16:29

haha right now the ydi is 69 even though it'll go up I thought it was a coincidence :)

Reply

fmlwmty | 0

#2914582 - Sunday 17 July 2011 16:43

Mwahahaha I'm finally in the top 5! suck it losers!

Reply

amylisa2790 | 3

#2914602 - Sunday 17 July 2011 16:44

Ke$ha? i blame her for your horny d-i-n-o-saur.

Reply

MakaPaka_fml | 0

#2914721 - Sunday 17 July 2011 17:05

and I named my squirtle penis (Y)

Reply

Trololololololo_fml | 7

#2914730 - Sunday 17 July 2011 17:06

Maybe she was reffering to the fact that the dinosaur has a big horn?

Reply

worldcupcheer17 | 0

#2914767 - Sunday 17 July 2011 17:10

77- I already know your comment will be moderated.

Reply

YacL | 15

#2914780 - Sunday 17 July 2011 17:11

Barney's brother, or is it just me? It's probably just me.

Reply

Iamnotmyself | 17

#2914845 - Sunday 17 July 2011 17:18

-93 I'm sorry to inform, but, yes it was just you.

Reply

2ndSucks | 15

#2914862 - Sunday 17 July 2011 17:22

Bring your daughter to south carolina, where we show our support for college football by wearing shirts with COCKS written across the chest. Horny would be welcome here.

Reply

YacL | 15

#2914864 - Sunday 17 July 2011 17:22

100- Does that make me unique or a loner?

Reply

Iamnotmyself | 17

#2914884 - Sunday 17 July 2011 17:25

-103 depends, do you play WoW or not?

Reply

YacL | 15

#2914920 - Sunday 17 July 2011 17:28

106- I'm just guessing here, but I'll say no.

Reply

dinodannyrawr | 5

#2914926 - Sunday 17 July 2011 17:29

I bet she likes to play with her stuff animal alot.

Reply

Iamnotmyself | 17

#2914946 - Sunday 17 July 2011 17:32

-108 Congrats your unique :D but probably sick minded, why you son of a....

By Niicky_fml | 20

#2914184 - Sunday 17 July 2011 15:59

that's so cute! haha awww :)

Reply

F2M2L | 5

#2914380 - Sunday 17 July 2011 16:19

hopefully it had horns. lol.

Reply

myxcure | 2

#2914427 - Sunday 17 July 2011 16:24

I agree, cute not FML.. Tell her future husband about it at her wedding :)

Reply

instnt1nfction | 17

#2914488 - Sunday 17 July 2011 16:29

found a name for my new dog

Reply

iSitt | 0

#2914870 - Sunday 17 July 2011 17:23

wasn't that the eighth drawf?

By MizzErikaHart | 8

#2914186 - Sunday 17 July 2011 16:00

suggest henry...?

Reply

RainbowzSkittlez | 6

#2914413 - Sunday 17 July 2011 16:22

Or Bob?

Reply

Radek18 | 0

#2914463 - Sunday 17 July 2011 16:27

Why not Hugh G. Rection?

Reply

Babalu722 | 3

#2914715 - Sunday 17 July 2011 17:04

Ben Dover

Reply

BADDiam | 4

#2914774 - Sunday 17 July 2011 17:11

Chuck Horris?

Reply

OrgasmicBunnies | 9

#2914783 - Sunday 17 July 2011 17:11

Dixie Normous. Dixie Wrected?

Reply

JesseOhNine | 0

#2914829 - Sunday 17 July 2011 17:17

Harry Zack O'Balls

By marinus_fml | 19

#2914188 - Sunday 17 July 2011 16:00

I love your kid already

Reply

coolp3rson | 0

#2914747 - Sunday 17 July 2011 17:08

if only ur daughter were my mom...

Reply

NastyNinja31 | 0

#2914822 - Sunday 17 July 2011 17:17

op would b ur grandma?

By ashleykay94 | 7

#2914193 - Sunday 17 July 2011 16:00

haha that's a sexy name :)

By bluetiger105 | 0

#2914199 - Sunday 17 July 2011 16:01

So, your perverted mind turned a cute dinosaur name into something about sex? What's the problem?

Reply

LizzieLizz18 | 4

#2914246 - Sunday 17 July 2011 16:05

I agree.... No child knows what horny actually means.... Well, no child I know....

Reply

nahgemsoohc | 0

#2914389 - Sunday 17 July 2011 16:20

yeah... I had a cat named pussy when I was young:S

By Jonkbaby | 20

#2914212 - Sunday 17 July 2011 16:02

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

yankeebaceball | 1

#2914689 - Sunday 17 July 2011 16:58

in as many words, that's the innocence of childhood. the only problem with that name is in your head!

By ColtsDoug18 | 0

#2914214 - Sunday 17 July 2011 16:02

dude, she's four years old. calm down.. it's not like it was intentional

By onthetoilet | 3

#2914218 - Sunday 17 July 2011 16:03

so what

By LizzieLizz18 | 4

#2914219 - Sunday 17 July 2011 16:03

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway