By oGxFoopFoop - 28/5/2020 20:00

Shit's going down

Today, I was taking a shit in my friend's bathroom when his brother's girlfriend walked in. Nobody decided to tell me that the lock didn’t work. FML

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Out of it

Fake News

Freshman blues

By klee - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling in bed. After looking at me for a while he said, "you look better when I'm not wearing my contacts". FML

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By NoComparison - United States

Today, I was accepted to Harvard's law program. Prestigious right? After hearing the good news the only thing my parents talked about over dinner was who they wanted to win American Idol: Adam, Kris or Danny. FML

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By Susan - Ireland

Today, my parents asked me if I was sexually active. My grandma then screamed from upstairs, "She's not even physically active!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a late Christmas present from my estranged father. I was really excited, having neither seen nor heard from him in nearly two years. It was a $200 gift card for a store that only exists in Canada. I don't live in Canada. Not even close. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I went to lunch with my sister. As the waitress was bringing our food, she dropped it on the floor. She apologized and brought us new food. After we finished eating and I looked at the bill, I noticed she'd charged us twice. FML

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By Anonymous

Alarmed

Today, after 5 hours of attempting to sleep, I began to finally drift off. Then, some fuckwit who'd parked his car right outside my door took 20 minutes to switch his alarm off. I have to be up in about 4 hours, after a 12-hour night shift, heading into another. FML

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By omgitserika - United States

Today, I thought my online boyfriend was calling me, so the first line I said was "Hey, Baby." His wife answered with, "This is Jenny. Who's this?" After speaking for thirty minutes, I found out he's married, fifty-eight, and has two kids. I'm seventeen. FML

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By ohemgee - United States

Today, I got a call from a police department saying that if I didn't move my car from a store's parking lot within the next 15 minutes, they were going to tow it and charge me for the fee. I was at work and the reason I parked it there is because it started smoking and almost caught fire. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, even though I made the point of tanning naked, I still got tan lines thanks to my fat rolls. FML

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By ew - United States - Garland

Today, I asked the 7-year-old that I was babysitting if he could burp on command. He said he could, and began to demonstrate. It turns out he couldn't purposely burp, but he definitely could vomit on command. FML

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By Queenie

Today, my work's annual Christmas party is at 3:00. Everyone in the office is off work at 2:00, except me and the boss who is staying 'til 4:00. I have been informed the boss is leaving early today to attend the Christmas party, but I need to lock up when I leave at 4:00. FML

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By pubquizgenius - United Kingdom

Today, I was in a tense tiebreak round to win the local pub quiz. As the quizmaster read out more clues, I got the answer, got up and rushed to be the first team to the bar. I tripped, faceplanted. The whole bar laughed, and then I realized that it wasn't a "fastest to the bar" round. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend and he brushed my hair out of my eyes. Then he smiled and said "Your eyes are two different colors right now. One's blue, one's green..." I was so happy he still noticed the little things. Then he finished his sentence with "...ya know, like a dog." FML

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By letsloseweight - Korea Republic of

Today, it started raining unexpectedly. My daughter and I didn't have an umbrella, so my daughter raised one of my big flabby arms and put it over her head to protect her from the rain. It worked. FML

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By Ayeya - United States

Today, I wanted to print out a 100 page game strategy guide using company's printer. While not wanting anyone to find out about this I picked a time where I thought no one would be printing. My CEO ended up standing next to me for 10 minutes waiting for his stuff to print after mine. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, I went to see a movie. While buying tickets, the girl behind the counter asked to show my ID card to proof I'm at least 16 years old. Not wanting to make a drama, I showed it. She took a look at it and declared it as fake. That ID is real and I'm 24. FML

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By OTZ - France

Today, I went on a date with the hottest guy I've ever met. He is also rich and successful, and would probably be perfect for me, if only he could stop bragging about it. FML

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By nomegusta - United States

Today, I unknowingly used my shampoo thinking it was leave-in-conditioner. While walking to work, it started to rain. I started to produce suds. FML

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By fatty

Work it

Today, after a full year of vigorous exercise 7 days a week, and a strict diet of vegetables, fruits, and water, I can proudly say that I've lost half a pound. FML

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By tomchuq - United States

Today, I realized I can hold a pencil in my fat rolls. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, and every day since I got her, I leaned down to pour food and water into my cat's bowls. And today, like every single day, I forgot that my granite countertop sticks out a bit. I think part of my head is flat now. FML

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By toeloezz - Netherlands

Today, during a regular checkup at the dentist, I got a wisdom tooth pulled out which resulted in me looking like a fat hamster. Tomorrow is my first day as an English teacher in high school. FML

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By wtfdaughter - Brazil - Recife

Today, my daughter put a doll in the microwave "to keep her warm". She's 17. FML

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By don'tdrinkthat - United States - Quincy

Today, I came home to find my 14-year-old son attempting to get drunk off aftershave. FML

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By dummy - United States

Today, while babysitting a five year old, I found a cartoon called Metalocalypse for him to watch while I made dinner. I didn't realize it was an "adult" cartoon until afterwards. He watched a whole episode about a clown with a cocaine problem. FML

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By MakeDonaldDrumpfAgain - Canada - Guelph

Today, I discovered that my Dad's family very much supports Donald Trump. They tried to convince me to support his campaign by donating money. We're not even American. FML

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By Jae_Hellyun - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent me a link to a Vine video in which she dumped me. FML

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By disappointed - United States - West Fargo

Today, I finally finished watching Dexter. I was more disappointed by the finale than the picture I later received of my girlfriend cheating on me. FML

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By smyp - Lithuania

Today, my wife and I decided to celebrate Christmas Eve with her side of the family. When we arrived at her parents' house, I heard her mother say that Christmas miracles don't exist since my wife brought me along. FML

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By mandapanda - United States

Today, as I was driving to work in the aftermath of a terrible blizzard that came through my area last night, a lady slid through an intersection and hit my car, totaling it. I called my boss and told her what happened, only to have her tell me that we were closed due bad roads. No one told me. FML

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By painedandpissed - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I called my boyfriend and invited him over to watch a movie. He was all for it, until I mentioned I was on my period, at which point he said "NOPE." and hung up on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I walked in on my 17-year-old brother jerking it to a scene from the movie Frozen. Brain bleach, please. FML

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By gonesofast - United States - Quincy

Today, as I was about to leave home for my first sweet taste of freedom at my new apartment, my car died. I'm stuck here for at least the weekend and can look forward to my mom driving me to work. Freedom. FML

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By Jacklyn - United States - Chicago

Today, my fiancé and I decided to have a romantic rendezvous on the trampoline in our backyard. Or at least it was romantic, until I accidentally rolled off and all but crushed our dog. FML

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By onefmlafteranother

Vicious dog

Today, I was laying my head on my dad's dog when he walked in. I jokingly asked my dad, "I'm cuddling with your dog, are you jealous?" At that moment, the dog lets a massive, earth-quaking fart and my dad promptly responded, "Nope!" FML

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By brittrod - United States

Today, when my mother-in-law told me I was losing weight, my husband started laughing. FML

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By PumaGator

Today, I was added to a random group chat. They were planning to film a porno and each member sent a nude. They were all grannies. FML

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By ProAwkward - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, as I was walking home, I noticed a man and a woman arguing in their driveway. To avoid an awkward situation, I crossed the street. I then had to walk past a creepy guy watering his plants in his underwear while looking directly at me. FML

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By tonedef - United States

Today, after spending weeks working on a song that meant a lot to me, I reluctantly posted it online. The "friend" who'd convinced me to post it, commented, "This is the worst shit I've ever heard." He got 30 likes, along with a barrage of agreeing, equally terrible comments. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Show Low

Today, I picked up an elderly woman walking alone in the cold. I asked her where she was going but she didn't respond. Thinking she was just cold, I kept driving until a man driving erratically kept honking at me. Turns out he's her husband and she has severe Alzheimers. FML

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Top comments

By mcsmee | 5

#7909713 - Friday 29 May 2020 5:19

And if they had told you, what would you have done differently? Waited an hour until you got home? Posted someone outside the door to stand guard?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7909671 - Thursday 28 May 2020 22:54

Did she just stand there and watch? Or maybe she offered encouragement?

I'm not sure how important your friend's brother's girlfriend is in your life, unless she was videoing the encounter and posting it on OnlyFans.

COMMENTS

By Charlie Coffman_1920149595 | 18

#7909647 - Thursday 28 May 2020 20:46

that...... stinks

By RichardPencil | 28

#7909671 - Thursday 28 May 2020 22:54

Did she just stand there and watch? Or maybe she offered encouragement?

I'm not sure how important your friend's brother's girlfriend is in your life, unless she was videoing the encounter and posting it on OnlyFans.

By mcsmee | 5

#7909713 - Friday 29 May 2020 5:19

And if they had told you, what would you have done differently? Waited an hour until you got home? Posted someone outside the door to stand guard?

By fjvitt | 14

#7909827 - Friday 29 May 2020 15:45

Life lesson—only take dumps on your own territory!

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7910044 - Saturday 30 May 2020 20:10

If the lock didn't work, then everyone should know to knock before just barging in. Plus, a closed bathroom door usually means someone is inside. Not your fault she's too dumb to realize that.