By oGxFoopFoop - 28/5/2020 20:00

Shit's going down

Today, I was taking a shit in my friend's bathroom when his brother's girlfriend walked in. Nobody decided to tell me that the lock didn’t work. FML

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Proactive

White line fever

Weird kid

By Anonymous - 19/10/2009 04:10 - Australia

Today, I was informed by my manager at work that there had been an 'accident' in the playground. I then had to crawl through tunnels designed for 5 year olds, to a tiny playroom with no fresh air, and clean up a stupid kid's pee and crap. FML

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By scaredshitless - 7/8/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I was taking a serious shit when the light bulb burned out. I am terrified of the dark and began wailing and crying. My mom had to pick the lock and get me out. I'm a 17 year old guy and captain of the Varsity football team. My little brother recorded it and plans on showing everyone. FML

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By jason - 24/4/2009 13:24 - United States

Today, I came home to find a car parked in my assigned space. Pissed off, I left a note on the car's windshield saying, "Hey Assface, thanks for parking in my spot. I spat on your door handle." It turns out it was my girlfriend's parent's car. They took us out to dinner. FML

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By bakerysux - 23/12/2014 01:21 - United States - San Antonio

Today, at work, a customer cried because the cake I made her was not "exactly" the same as the display. I'm the one who made the display and it was the same but the display cake had faded a bit, since it had been there for a month. I'd mentioned this to the customer when she placed the order. FML

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By nottananny - 21/7/2009 08:49 - United States

Today, I realized why I was hired to be a nanny. Apparently the husband had eyes for the last nanny. According to the wife I am not attractive enough to be a threat. FML

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By Chanman1924 - 24/12/2012 21:06 - United States

Today, my friend put my phone number on Craigslist. I still can't find the ad, but obviously everyone else can because I still haven't stopped receiving naked pictures. FML

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By Gemma - 6/1/2012 23:16 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother thought it would be a good idea to tell me that I was conceived on an airplane toilet. FML

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By notbrowsingnow - 8/5/2014 23:46 - United States

Today, I was bored at work, so I started browsing the Internet. While I was on my Facebook page, my boss tagged me in a status: "I've been standing behind you for ten minutes." FML

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By Blah - 30/3/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I had to go to my son's school for career day, I explained what a banker does and then I asked if anyone had a question, one boy raised his hand and asked "When are all the cool parents gonna come?" FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2009 22:31 - Canada

Today, a completely drunk girl walked across the bar and punched me in the face because I was wearing the same dress as her, and her boyfriend said it looked better on me. While I was screaming at her for being a stupid bitch, she puked all over me, wiped her mouth and laughed before she passed out. FML

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By catherineratley - 6/5/2012 04:09 - United States - Carmi

Today, I shut my finger in the car door. The door locked. Then I dropped the keys on the ground and couldn't reach them. FML

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By fffemaleee - 31/5/2015 18:21 - United States - Waterford

Today, my phone got stolen at church. FML

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By AndyAnonymous - 27/4/2012 00:04 - United States

Today, I brought several bags of soda cans to the store to cash in. I hadn't shaved, and my coat had fur all over from my cat rubbing on it. The lady in front of me turned around, looked at my bags and me and said, "It's a lot of money people throw away, isn't it?" Apparently, I look homeless. FML

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By Chad - 14/8/2010 17:37 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I made lists of what celebrities we're interested in. The first one she listed wasn't a celebrity - it was my brother. He's spending the weekend with us. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2020 23:04

The end of the road

Today, after my parents treating love like a war, always trying to score some sort of victory over each other, while me and my wife never argued a day in our lives, I’m the one staring down the barrel of divorce, while my parents have been happily married for over 50 years. I just don’t understand. FML

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By Alliente - 17/7/2012 21:11 - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend. He won't go on a cruise with me in the gulf of Mexico, because he thinks we will crash into an iceberg like in Titanic. FML

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By sucks - 5/1/2011 07:41 - Netherlands

Today, my boss walked in and said something I didn't quite hear, but my co-worker chuckled so to be polite, I laughed with him. They gave me some weird looks. My boss was actually talking about his wife's tumor and my co-worker was coughing. FML

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By jlowder2 - 11/12/2009 02:22 - United States

Today, my wife and I were getting intimate. I wanted to make it last longer, so I tried thinking of something else. Suddenly she says, "What are you thinking?" I reply, "Dead puppies." This apparently turned her off more than it did me, because she got out of the bed. FML

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By Kellie - 31/12/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, I found a hidden camera in my room equipped with night vision and a microphone. My parents have been spying on me for at least the past year. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2010 04:19 - United States

Today, I fell asleep on the couch and must have rolled off. When I woke up, I noticed my braces were stuck to the rug. After frantically pulling, my mom finally sawed me off the rug with scissors. FML

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By notsohandy - 3/1/2014 22:08 - Denmark - Hadsten

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend masturbating beside me. I asked if she needed a hand. She called me a pervert and now won't speak to me. FML

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By Confused - 15/9/2009 09:58 - United States

Today, I told my mother that I'm pregnant. She went off screaming at me about how I shouldn't be having sex. I am 25 and have been happily married for 3 years. FML

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By VidyaGameCollector - 3/5/2019 20:00 - Canada - Port Colborne

Today, because money is a little tight, I decided to sell one of my retro video game consoles. The family member that initially gave me it to me saw the ad on Facebook and demanded I give it back to them. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2017 12:00 - United States - Woodside

Dazed and Confused

Today, I was promoted. I got advice throughout the day from all of management on what I'm supposed to do first thing everyday. Not one was the same as the other. FML

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By anon - 5/4/2017 04:00

Today, a guy grabbed my ass at the mall. I whirled around and went to sock him. He ducked and I accidentally hit the elderly woman standing behind him in the face. To say all hell broke loose would be an understatement. FML

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By randinosaur - 13/3/2011 12:48 - United States

Today, a cop rear-ended me. Then I received a ticket from him for driving too far under the speed limit. We were in a school zone. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2014 07:51

Today, I spent all day making preparations and buying food for my upcoming birthday. It's not for a party, though - none of my friends wanted to come. I'm preparing for the launch of the new World of Warcraft expansion. FML

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By Badhairday - 11/6/2015 23:14 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I arrived at the salon to get my hair done for prom. The lady at the front desk insisted I didn't have an appointment. After looking back on my recent calls, it turned out I called the wrong number and whatever asshole was on the other line played along. FML

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By Awkward - 1/12/2012 22:11 - Bahrain

Today, while lighting a cigarette, I learned the hard way that the amount of styling mousse I used to get my curly hair to become manageable, is the roughly same amount that causes it to become highly flammable. FML

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By life sucks - 20/5/2010 05:12 - United States

Today, I learned my boyfriend has another girlfriend. His excuse is he's bipolar and each of his personalities needs a girlfriend. FML

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By poop - 8/1/2011 01:31 - United States

Today, my boss decided to post a photo of a piece of crap on Facebook. He tagged me in it. FML

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By KJL - 29/8/2011 15:38 - United States

Today, I found my husband Googling Morse Code. He thinks his farts are trying to communicate with him. FML

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By luckycharmed - 17/6/2014 17:34 - United States

Today, my roommate played a "prank" on me. He taped a length of clear cellophane at ankle-height just outside my bedroom door, causing me to trip and faceplant the floor, and busting out a tooth. I now look like a hick, and my roommate is refusing to cover my dental bills. FML

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By Hahamaster333 - 28/3/2013 01:02

Today, I was at the pool when I saw a man eating the food I had ordered near my seat. I immediately ran up to him and asked him to stop stealing my food. I took the food away and threw it in the trash. Seconds later the attendant came out with my actual food. FML

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By grlks - 19/2/2009 07:08 - United States

Today, I told a girl I liked her. She replied, "Don't". FML

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By Océane Léana K - 1/9/2017 01:29

Today, after coming back from a trip to Africa where I got malaria, I went to the hospital for some blood tests. The doctor said, "Good news! You never had malaria! But they put you through a lot of dangerous treatments and now your liver has an anomaly." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2015 10:19 - United States - Chesterfield

Today, after quitting my job to take a very attractive position with a competitor, I was told the position was no longer being offered. I'm now on my way to file for unemployment. FML

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By PiaNO - 10/11/2009 21:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I was teaching a ten year old how to play piano. Halfway through the lesson, she made a minor mistake, which, trying to be a good tutor, I corrected her. She smiled up at me, paused, then slammed the key cover down onto my fingers. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2013 04:11 - United States - Houston

Today, I realized that I'm so lonely I can no longer whack off without bursting into tears and crying like a little bitch. FML

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By lizzie - 25/5/2013 06:55 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, it was my wedding. Every good wedding has slutty wedding sex, and I thought it would be over after my cousin and his girlfriend were caught in the parking lot. I was wrong, the sluttiest wedding sex goes to my drunk husband and sister in the coat room. FML

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Top comments

By mcsmee | 5

#7909713 - Friday 29 May 2020 5:19

And if they had told you, what would you have done differently? Waited an hour until you got home? Posted someone outside the door to stand guard?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7909671 - Thursday 28 May 2020 22:54

Did she just stand there and watch? Or maybe she offered encouragement?

I'm not sure how important your friend's brother's girlfriend is in your life, unless she was videoing the encounter and posting it on OnlyFans.

Comments

By Charlie Coffman_1920149595 | 18

#7909647 - Thursday 28 May 2020 20:46

that...... stinks

By RichardPencil | 28

#7909671 - Thursday 28 May 2020 22:54

Did she just stand there and watch? Or maybe she offered encouragement?

I'm not sure how important your friend's brother's girlfriend is in your life, unless she was videoing the encounter and posting it on OnlyFans.

By mcsmee | 5

#7909713 - Friday 29 May 2020 5:19

And if they had told you, what would you have done differently? Waited an hour until you got home? Posted someone outside the door to stand guard?

By fjvitt | 13

#7909827 - Friday 29 May 2020 15:45

Life lesson—only take dumps on your own territory!

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7910044 - Saturday 30 May 2020 20:10

If the lock didn't work, then everyone should know to knock before just barging in. Plus, a closed bathroom door usually means someone is inside. Not your fault she's too dumb to realize that.