Health: Today, due to my allergies I can't stop sneezing. It wouldn't...

By Anonymous - 22/05/2013 05:38 - United States - Livingston

Today, due to my allergies I can't stop sneezing. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for my hemorrhoids making each sneeze feel like I'm getting a cactus shoved up my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 133

You deserved it 3 850

Health

Batman

Mind the handbrake!

Cut her off

By randomjulz - 16/06/2011 03:53 - United States

Today, my husband asked me to come see his turd. After I said no, he said, "What kind of wife are you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 200

You deserved it 9 947

By hawkknight - 23/02/2017 15:00 - United States - Portland

Today, at work, I broke the drinks machine for the third time. The first two times I broke the key, this time I switched it off and couldn't turn it back on after my manager warned me not to mess with it AFTER I had switched it off. The best part? The key is still broken from last time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 294

You deserved it 5 629

By Old? - 14/01/2009 23:20 - United States

Today, a student of mine used the phrase "well, you know, like back in your day" about defining "going out". I'm only 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 673

You deserved it 2 233

Honest

By fml1977 - 04/03/2010 06:43 - United States

Today, in the middle of having sex, my girlfriend stopped moaning. I asked what was wrong. She said, "I'm bored." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 271

You deserved it 7 964

What have you done this time?

By rockefoe - 15/11/2010 20:49 - United States

Today, I realized the only times my boyfriend ever says, "I love you" are after he screws up or when he wants a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 551

You deserved it 6 708

Bad timing

By Anonymous - 23/12/2020 13:58

Today, my best friend's parents posted her wedding date on Facebook. My best friend got engaged a few months after I did. The only wedding plan I have come up with so far is a Fall 2022 wedding. My best friend is also planning a Fall 2022 wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 446

You deserved it 690

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

By Anonymous - 02/07/2020 14:07

Today, I had people coming over to buy some chairs from me. I took a screenshot of their profile because I was home alone, and watch enough ID to be cautious. I thought I'd sent it to my fiancé. I'd sent it to them instead. Now my anxiety is through the roof. FML

I agree, your life sucks 719

You deserved it 1 152

By LaurenLehmmman - 27/12/2009 22:22 - United States

Today, I was singing while lying upside down chewing gum. My dad was trying to focus on the current football game and hushed me. I yelled, "No!" resulting in my gum becoming lodged in my windpipe. I shut up after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 272

You deserved it 52 123

Authentification required

By Anonymous - 06/08/2021 10:01

Today, after registering my cellphone as my secondary authentication device for my campus account, it died for good. Despite still being logged in, most of my college's services are now locked behind a code sent to my unresponsive phone, including the ability to register any new authentication devices. FML

I agree, your life sucks 861

You deserved it 106

By O_o - 09/02/2014 00:42 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, I had to explain to my husband why saving the condom from the first time we had sex is not romantic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 134

You deserved it 6 656

Hangry

By Geckosrock99 - 20/07/2016 05:58

Today, my iguana tried to eat my hand. Taking that as a sign of being hungry, I gave him a bowl of fruits and veggies. After he finished the bowl, he tried to eat my hand again. My iguana's an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 222

You deserved it 1 826

By Justmyluck - 21/11/2018 08:00 - United States - Bloomsburg

Today, after a week of no side effects, my bronchitis medication decided to screw me over. I'm running on 3 hours of sleep and half of my face is sunburnt in randomized patches. Guess who has a huge presentation today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 516

You deserved it 154

Hard to bare

By Anonymous - 03/04/2020 14:00

Today, I was showing my boss a picture on my phone. I didn’t expect her to take my phone from my hand and continue to flip through photos. I anxiously motioned for her to give my phone back, only to realize she had already swiped to my nude picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 925

You deserved it 750

By hendrixisgod86 - 15/05/2015 18:48 - United States - Crestview

Today, some genius shot through a red light, hitting my car and nearly killing me. When I went to ask if he was okay, the first words out of his mouth were "I hope you have insurance". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 058

You deserved it 2 130

By Username - 01/07/2010 04:55 - France

Today, I found out that while getting your hair cut, you should say 'yes' or 'no', instead of nodding your head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 429

You deserved it 59 445

That took a dark turn…

By lukey101 - 17/12/2020 01:58 - Australia - Caboolture

Today, I asked a colleague what part of town he was from. After explaining, he went on to say how much his wife loved the house and its location. That was of course until she died and soiled herself in their bed one night, which he didn't realise until the next morning. Sorry for asking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 860

You deserved it 122

By badass - 13/08/2011 07:25 - United States

Today, I started to fall in love with my wife again. We are in the middle of a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 343

You deserved it 18 337

By Sharee K. - 08/08/2011 19:20 - United States

Today, while walking in the city with my little sister, she let go of my hand. Not wanting to lose her, I quickly tried to grab it back. That resulted in me grabbing some 50 year-old man's junk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 430

You deserved it 6 560

More cowbell

By Piitaaraq Vaisanen - 24/09/2021 05:00

Today, I was editing sound on a recording of a live music show. The woman who hired me said she wanted less reverb. I told her that this is how the recording was and I can't magically remove acoustic reverb from something recorded in a church. FML

I agree, your life sucks 750

You deserved it 64

Gross!

By cantstopfeelingit - 16/12/2019 05:00

Today, my roommate moved out. When I went into his room, I found a few things he forgot. Specifically, his beer bottle filled with nail clippings. I emptied it onto my hand before I realized what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 174

You deserved it 2 442

By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 16:56 - Canada

Today, my boss walked up and smacked my butt. I am a 19 year old guy. My boss is a 50 year old woman. I desperately need this job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 218

You deserved it 3 765

By rmo1776 - 06/04/2009 06:16 - United States

Today, I went to a very nice reception at a hotel. I glanced inside the ballroom and saw that no one else was in there and, not wanting to be the first one there, I walked past and into the stairway. Turns out, I had walked into the emergency exit stairs and had to set off the alarm to get out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 985

You deserved it 48 944

By bezoar10 - 11/05/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, it's the five year anniversary of my father's death. I was cuddling with my boyfriend and crying about how much I missed him. He replied with, "Sometimes, I think you just like to hear yourself talk." FML

I agree, your life sucks 93 245

You deserved it 11 268

By Anonymous - 02/12/2010 05:43 - United States

Today, as I was walking into my apartment building, a douchebag leaned out his truck window and yelled, "HOW MUCH FOR A BJ?" He then pulled into a spot near my car. Apparently I have a charming new neighbor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 468

You deserved it 2 889

By parent - 08/03/2018 01:30

Today, I found out that my son has been telling me he's gay so we would allow the "female friend" who is actually his girlfriend to stay over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 152

You deserved it 2 776

Heaven knows I'm miserable now…

By Anonymous - 14/02/2021 02:04

Today, my friend is acting like a martyr over not wanting to get a job and guilt tripping me for having one. I mean, I hate my job but I also like my ability to pay bills, unlike some apparently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 60

By Anonymous - 24/05/2017 20:00 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, at my first day of work at a new job, I got stuck in the elevator going to the parking garage. I have claustrophobia about both elevators and parking garages. They said this never happens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 090

You deserved it 380

Escape

By Anonymous - 10/01/2022 14:01 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I realized just how bad my life had become when the doctor said I was likely to survive my severe case of Covid and I was disappointed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 019

You deserved it 127

By N - 07/05/2012 09:51 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I asked my dad why there were no photos of me on the wall. He replied, "Every time you disappoint us we burn one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 715

You deserved it 5 347

By MessyMal - 25/12/2009 15:30 - United States

Today, my 25 year old brother ran into my room very excited at 8am. "Wake up! We got a new puppy!" he told me. I was so excited so I jumped out of my warm bed. When I asked him if he was serious he said "No, but we have to go to church, so get dressed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 368

You deserved it 9 339

By Anonymous - 27/08/2018 18:30 - United States - Compton

Today, I was at a pool party with my friends. I really had to pass gas so I moved a bit from the group and let it rip. Instead of bubbles surfacing a brown cloud of poo rose instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 530

You deserved it 3 139

Switching off

By Anonymous - 14/01/2022 17:04

Today, my wife finally gave up on our autistic 11 year-old son and decided to have him taken into a care facility, because his autism is so bad, all he can do is sleep, stare vacantly, play on his iPad, or scream for hours. I’m kind of glad he’s leaving, but I can’t shake the dam guilt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 847

You deserved it 755

By Evra - 23/01/2015 07:39 - United States - Tampa

Today, I was asked by a total stranger if I had Tourettes. This is the third time this has happened to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 090

You deserved it 5 568

By hairy - 25/02/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, I told my boss I was bored of being a cashier and would rather go to food prep. He told me I couldn't because my arms were too hairy. I'm a sixteen year old girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 831

You deserved it 6 304

By Lazyuser2849 - 01/06/2016 05:02 - United States - Arlington

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. To this, she said, "You need to meet more people."FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 097

You deserved it 994

By howtobreakup - 11/04/2016 16:39 - United Kingdom - Worthing

Today, my friend asked me for advice on how to break up with her boyfriend. I've never done it before so I googled it, my own boyfriend happened to walk in and now isn't speaking to me. He won't believe me when I say it was "for a friend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 579

You deserved it 4 265

By Anonymous - 09/05/2013 07:01 - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to make a move on the guy I've been crushing on. I asked him if he would like to go see a movie with me. He answered, "Sorry, I've already seen it." I didn't even mention any particular movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 762

You deserved it 4 304

By Anonymous - 17/09/2012 16:05 - France

Today, my teacher told me that she couldn't find my hand-written essay on the Renaissance, and that I have to re-do it all by tomorrow. I later saw my essay on her desk, covered in a massive coffee stain that made virtually everything unreadable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 259

You deserved it 1 956

By "ironyyyyyyy" -_- - 31/10/2013 16:58 - United States - Marion

Today, I gave a short presentation at a neighborhood watch event to raise awareness of pickpocketing and to give tips on how to avoid becoming a victim of it. After I got back home, I realized my wallet was missing from my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 934

You deserved it 6 197

By urmommmm - 22/08/2009 16:25 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My parents came into my room at 12:01 to surprise me. Do you know what fifteen year olds do at midnight? FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 250

You deserved it 25 355

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Top comments

greeneyesFTWlol 8

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 12:07

My booty just tightened up from reading this.

fsomelife 26

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 12:12

I guess either your nose regrets what your ass does, or your ass regrets what your nose does.

laughmaster 9

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 12:05

FYL OP, maybe you can try to find out what exactly irritates your allergies and try to avoid it the most

Jac_d_ipper 10

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 13:45

Mayb those cactuses that are up the OP's arse are causing the allergy/sneezes lol.

phoneYuNOlisten 16

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 15:02

If they're allergies from outside you can't run away from them. I know the feel OP.

greeneyesFTWlol 8

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 12:07

My booty just tightened up from reading this.

Ambient25 24

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 12:19

No what you read was a "Casting Couch" ad...

fsomelife 26

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 12:50

How has nobody commented calling you a tightass yet??

Kauphy 12

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 15:55

Tightass.

fsomelife 26

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 12:12

I guess either your nose regrets what your ass does, or your ass regrets what your nose does.

Ambient25 24

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 12:15

At least you didn't have Indian food as well. You'd probably be having gut wrenching ass explosions that made you feel like you were shitting fire.

fsomelife 26

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 12:18

There's an image...

challan 19

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 13:41

A slushie might help with that.

perdix 29

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 14:32

#25, it might, but when I go to 7-Eleven and ask for one in suppository form, they kick me out of the store.

xALEXx_fml 15

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 12:18

I feel for you! Well...not that feeling..but yes, sorry OP!! FYL!!

pattayarick 8

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 12:18

TMI, TMI, aaaagggghhhhh TMI

fsomelife 26

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 12:20

You seem to have really gotten into it...

gc327072 30

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 17:07

If you need to gouge your eyes out Oedipus-style, I have a rusty spoon you can borrow.

chronosphere 18

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 12:23

how do you know how it feels like shoving a cactus up your ass?

fsomelife 26

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 12:25

Why do you think he has allergies?

Ambient25 24

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 12:25

For #11 Definition of METAPHOR : a figure of speech in which a word or phrase literally denoting one kind of object or idea is used in place of another to suggest a likeness or analogy between them (as in drowning in money); broadly : figurative language — compare simile.

chronosphere 18

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 12:31

dude you have no sense of humor and never get a joke!!! get a life

Ambient25 24

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 12:33

Right because that was a joke. Back to back jokes with you and #14!

fsomelife 26

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 12:36

Ass to ass, even.

perdix 29

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 13:25

#13, heh-heh, you said ANALogy ;)

Ambient25 24

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 15:21

Lol very nice Perdix ;)

zen1979 16

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Thursday 23 May 2013 5:24

For 13; for the record op said it feels LIKE having a cactus shoved up their arse, which would make this a similie (spelled wrong?) not a metaphor.

zen1979 16

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Thursday 23 May 2013 5:31

* simile; a figure of speech in which two unlike things are explicitly compared, identifiable by the use if the words 'like' or 'as'. Compare metaphor.

dinosxxrawr 22

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 12:29

knowing hot it feels to have a cactus shoved up your ass might also be a problem.

Ambient25 24

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 12:30

This is why my desk is imprinted with an outline of my head....

moonwing 17

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Wednesday 22 May 2013 12:30

They make cream and wipes for hemorrhoids. Maybe if you use both of those, it'll help with that "cactus being shoved up your ass" feeling. I'm not saving its the best stuff, and idk if it'll even work, but it's worth a try! Good luck, OP!!