Today, I was chosen by my coworkers to explain to my elderly...

By welly223 - Canada

Today, I was chosen by my coworkers to explain to my elderly boss that ''tossing the salad'' isn't another expression for saying ''brainstorming''. She didn't believe me. Guess we will all keep ''tossing the salad'' for new ideas each afternoon. FML

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Intimacy

Messed up

Great speech, thanks!

Fashion Police

By pissedoffandon - United Kingdom

Today, I was taking a piss at the urinal when a fly started buzzing around my head. It started getting in my face, so I tried to swat it away. After about 10 seconds of intense swatting, I looked down to find I had pissed all over my shoes and down the front of my trousers. FML

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15901

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By kiddo - United States

Today, on my 18th birthday, my mom told me the man I thought was my father for 18 years was actually not my father, and my real father was in prison for murder. FML

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51958

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2080

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By Anonymous - United States - Smithville

Today, I went to my cousin's house. I left my bag on the couch as my aunt instructed, only for my cousin to take it and throw it into the swimming pool. My laptop, textbooks and notes were soaked. My exam is in a week, and my aunt won't punish her perfect little angel. FML

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31195

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1788

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By oops... - Canada - Sylvan Lake

Today, my daughter was going to Bulk Barn so I asked her to pick me up something to snack on. When she got home, she brought over a bag and without listening to her explain what it was, I began eating it. She looked at me confused, then began laughing. It was a dog treat. FML

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22527

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By Soakedandbroke - United States - Houston

Today, I was walking to class. While waiting at the crosswalk, a guy cat-called me from his car. I guess he was pissed that I didn't respond, because he purposely drove through a puddle and completely soaked me and the expensive textbook I was holding. FML

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22836

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By Anonymous - United States - Ozark

Today, I confessed to my girlfriend that I cheated on her. She told me that she needed time to think, and left. An hour later, her dad came by with a baseball bat. FML

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29173

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Dublin

Today, after my first day at work at a local daycare, I found out that I'm not entitled to breaks because I'm the only worker there who doesn't smoke. My boss asked me, ''What do you need a break for?'' FML

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40843

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By make america date again - United States - Blacklick

Today, after months of daily migraines and doctor's visits, I've now been told that my "temporary" hearing loss has nothing to do with my migraines, nor is it temporary at all. FML

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22558

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finished building a porch I've worked hard on for the past 2 weeks, and I was very proud on how amazing it turned out. Within 20 minutes of it being completed, my pregnant dog decided to crawl underneath it to have her puppies. I had to take half the porch apart to get to her and them. FML

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48077

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By Ananimus - United States - Peekskill

Today, I overheard my boyfriend of two years saying he only dates me because "sometimes jerking off just ain't good enough". FML

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25411

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By Dakota

Bad Day for a Good Boy

Today, on my way home from work, I went to the car wash. When the spray jets hit the car, my dog jumped out of his crate, into the front seat, and onto a button lowering both back windows. I got both an exterior and interior wash. FML

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2827

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821

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By Alone - United States

Today, a girl mistook me for her boyfriend and broke up with me because I'm "a liar and a cheating bastard." I've never seen her in my life, but I'm so lonely that I tried to convince her to give me another chance and stay with me. FML

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44220

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home a few days early from a 3-month business trip. As I opened my apartment door, hoping to surprise my girlfriend, the man she's apparently been cheating on me with promptly punched me in the face. He thought I was a burglar. FML

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123090

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By outplayed

Today, while reviewing boxes of motorcycle parts, I noticed my neighbor's daughter gleefully watching me. I jokingly said, "Wanna do this?" and she let out a loud squee and got to work alone. A few hours later, the bike was ready for a test run. I had no idea how to even start building it. She's 14. FML

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2680

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By sly - France

Today, I tried to cuddle Simon, my five year old son. He wriggled away and said: "If you need a teddy bear, go buy one! Or find another Simon!" FML

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33055

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By Anonyme - France - Lyon

Today, Murphy's law didn't check out: my piece of toast didn't fall on the side containing the spread of jam. However, when I leaned against the corner of the table to pick it up, I knocked a full ashtray on top of it. FML

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19649

You deserved it

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By LonelyInLA - United States

Today, I was watching TV when the Jim Beam commercial came on with the hot girl saying how she likes her men fat and hairy. My mom walked in and said, "See honey, you still have a chance." FML

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42480

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By mumblingdope - Indonesia - Jakarta

Today, I decided to have a hot cup of coffee. Then I stumbled on a chair and somehow spilled the hot liquid on my privates. The searing pain worked better to wake me up than the coffee itself. FML

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10856

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By joi9496

Today, at age 23, I met my absentee father. He went on about how much he missed me and wanted to know more about me. He then asked if I knew where he could get some good weed, and said he'd share it to make up for all the missed birthdays and Christmases. FML

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5194

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that I'm not my girlfriend's only boyfriend. The other guy sells shoes on Facebook. FML

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1491

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102

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sat down on a chair after my very large boss sat on it all day. When I got up, my pants were damp. FML

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27960

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By Unloveable - United States - Priest River

Today, my boyfriend of six years broke up with me over video chat. Two days before I was to move across the country to be with him. All of my things are already shipped. He said he thinks of me as a sister. FML

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16296

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By Anonymous

The Little Sperm That Could

Today, I found out I'm three weeks pregnant with a guy I've been dating for a month. I'm on the pill and we even used a condom. This baby must be some kind of superhuman. FML

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4662

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By Unsanitary - United Kingdom

Today, my daughter spent three hours crying and having a temper tantrum over being forced to have a bath after four days without one. My daughter is 16. FML

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50319

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By Katy

Today, I fell in a vent in our floor while decorating our Christmas tree. My husband removed the grates months ago to increase airflow. I fell in past my knee and he had to pull me out by the arms. It's been four days and I can still barely walk. My office is on a second floor... We don't have an elevator. FML

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2298

Phew, glad it wasn't me

277

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By I Tried - United States - Burton

Today, I went out clubbing and hit the dance floor, hoping to impress some girls with my moves. All I got was a bunch of weird looks and was told by one girl that I'm the "whitest black guy" she's ever seen. FML

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20352

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By LostSleep - United Kingdom

Today, I was woken at 4 a.m. by the sounds of someone crashing down the stairs. I scrambled out, still half-asleep, to find out that nobody was in an agonized heap at the bottom. The walls are so thin in my house that I could hear the neighbour falling down HIS stairs. FML

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11659

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By bubbles - United Kingdom

Today, I worked my first day at a nursery. At nap time I spent about an hour trying to get all the kids to calm down and go to sleep. I'd finally got the last one to drop off, when my phone rang. Loudly. FML

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13642

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I bleached my hair. Not only did it fry, it also has a very noticeable green tint and because of the damage, I can't dye it again for a while. Now I keep getting asked "Why so serious?" by my friends. FML

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12348

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By sandiego - United States

Today, while eating at an outdoor café, a man on the street came up to me and said, "My girlfriend is sexier than you, bitch." Thanks for the confidence boost. FML

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32714

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By me - United States - Floresville

Today, my 6-year-old daughter walked into the bathroom where I was grumbling about my weight. Seeing how upset I was, she took my hand and said, "Mom, you're not fat. You just look fat." FML

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52425

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By Helen - United States - Pine Bluff

Today, my husband came home drunk off his ass at 2am. He started crying on my shoulder because he couldn't go home with some beautiful woman who hit on him, because sadly for him, he's married to me. FML

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34907

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By truth - United States

Today, my boss reported to the police that a suspicious car has been parked outside the store late at night. I walked outside and my car was gone. He had my car towed. FML

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27184

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By Nakdnathan - United States

Today, I got written up for not making a drink right. While getting yelled at by my boss, my co-worker made the drink the same exact way I made it. I pointed it out. My boss responded with, "He is allowed to because I like him, I don't like you." FML

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53940

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By Anonymous - United States

Heavy

Today, a 100-foot maple tree fell on my house. I was inside. I was sleeping. FML

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1646

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By Anonymous - United States - Wexford

Today, I thought it was a good idea to flush the stink bug I found in my kitchen. Later I went in the bathroom to take a crap, and next thing I know, I feel a stink bug on my privates. I guess it didn't flush after all. FML

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38897

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By srsly_what - United Kingdom

Today, a little girl wandered into the glass-cleaning area of the pub I work at. It's a dangerous place for a little kid, so I took her hand and asked where her mum was. The kid starts screaming and the mother appears in the doorway shouting "GET AWAY FROM MY BABY!" FML

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36501

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By brokedad - United States

Today, I was questioned by police for forcing a 12-year-old to get in my car. That 12-year-old is my daughter, who refused to get in until I agree to buy her a highly expensive purse just to become popular. FML

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58521

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By owmyhead - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that when a pierced, tattooed, and otherwise extremely stereotypical biker chick jokingly threatens to find you and beat you up if you don't call her back after a one-night stand, she's not actually joking. FML

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16051

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By working_as_usual - United States - Valencia

Today, I was telling my co-workers about how I'd gotten tickets to a concert in a few days. My boss overheard. Later, he told me I now have to work on the night of the concert. However, he was kind enough to offer to buy the tickets off me for half of what I'd paid for them. FML

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Top comments

By FYLDeep | 25

#1988755 - Thursday 20 January 2011 12:17

Maybe she comes up with her best ideas when she's tossing the salad. Who are you to judge?

By babyyappld | 7

#1988703 - Thursday 20 January 2011 12:03

looks like you guys will just have to "toss the salad" on other ways to tell him

COMMENTS

By reganera | 0

#1988695 - Thursday 20 January 2011 12:01

lol, how old is this person?

whoisthisgirl | 4

#1988843 - Thursday 20 January 2011 12:52

:(... I hope not too old because I never even heard this phrase lol

Sparkadelic | 4

#1988905 - Thursday 20 January 2011 13:06

Tossing the salad means licking ass.

tencentsakiss | 19

#1988915 - Thursday 20 January 2011 13:11

11, I would recommend going to urbandictionary.com, but you really don't want to know, trust me.

tencentsakiss | 19

#1988926 - Thursday 20 January 2011 13:13

Nevermind, 15 already got to it.

birdman19 | 0

#1991481 - Friday 21 January 2011 8:33

By babyyappld | 7

#1988703 - Thursday 20 January 2011 12:03

looks like you guys will just have to "toss the salad" on other ways to tell him

GiddyXD | 0

#1989039 - Thursday 20 January 2011 13:59

her*?

MacNuggets | 0

#1989353 - Thursday 20 January 2011 16:24

I don't get it ... lol what's toss the salad?

natas_fml | 13

#1989931 - Thursday 20 January 2011 20:47

D'awwwwwh

13Lina97 | 0

#2374406 - Tuesday 19 April 2011 20:34

45 - It means licking ass.

By 660923 | 0

#1988717 - Thursday 20 January 2011 12:06

Yeah you should toss the salad until you find something else to call it.

By burriedinskin | 0

#1988728 - Thursday 20 January 2011 12:10

well that way you can say it all the time for fun and they won't think wrongly of it. it's nice to have a laph every once in awile

Monstee | 2

#1988877 - Thursday 20 January 2011 13:00

*laugh

chrisx020296 | 0

#1989971 - Thursday 20 January 2011 21:12

laph = laff, hence the ph, noob

barbara_jude_wee_fml | 0

#2665821 - Sunday 12 June 2011 15:34

you guys are both stupid... laugh**. dumb asses

By Doortje | 28

#1988751 - Thursday 20 January 2011 12:16

Maybe your next "toss the salad" meeting can be about how you all feel sexually harassed by her.

By FYLDeep | 25

#1988755 - Thursday 20 January 2011 12:17

Maybe she comes up with her best ideas when she's tossing the salad. Who are you to judge?

lovexbox | 8

#1988761 - Thursday 20 January 2011 12:19

You made my day.

By unfortunate_13 | 5

#1988796 - Thursday 20 January 2011 12:28

indeed, i wouldn't even point it out. way more fun if she doesn't know!

By kayPandastyle | 15

#1988867 - Thursday 20 January 2011 12:58

I totally agree I wouldn't have said shiz and had a lil laugh to myself. I don't think its a fml cus its funny and it is bettr that they don't understand ;p

By catkat1988 | 17

#1988898 - Thursday 20 January 2011 13:04

Why not just toss the salad with her? Can't be that bad. I actually like that expression, I was getting tired of "brainstorming", anyway. Being from Denmark, "brainstorm" is one of those words we insisted on "borrowing" because we were too lazy to find an appropriate Danish translation, or because some business-person figured the English term sounded cooler or whatever, so the English term has become a part of the Danish language. It's a shame that "tossing the salad" doesn't translate that well into Danish, or I might just have found us the new, Danish term for brainstorming. :-)