Intimacy: Today, I was chosen by my coworkers to explain to my elderly...

By welly223 - Canada

Today, I was chosen by my coworkers to explain to my elderly boss that ''tossing the salad'' isn't another expression for saying ''brainstorming''. She didn't believe me. Guess we will all keep ''tossing the salad'' for new ideas each afternoon. FML

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Intimacy

Walk on the wild side

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Whoop-di-scoop-di-poop

By My Life Is Just PERFECT - United States

Today, I went on a blind date that my friend set up for me. It was going pretty good, then he said he was going to go out to smoke. 10 minutes went by and he still hadn't come back. I called my friend and she said he doesn't smoke. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Utica

Today, my wife appropriated our savings to finance her crazy, midlife crisis idea of designing and marketing Cheez Whiz dildos. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was opening up to my close friend about my low self esteem. To make me feel better, he told me that he gets a boner whenever he walks behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my second roommate in less then a week got a DUI. Both roommates are demanding that I drive them around for free until they get their licenses back, or else they won't have the funds to pay their rent. FML

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By shoggoth_wild - United States - Jackson

Today, my girlfriend and I were talking about times we'd made our mothers cry. She said she'd only made her mother cry once. When I asked when, she said, "When I told her I was thinking about dating you." FML

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By JustplainSad - 15/8/2020 23:01

People are strange

Today, I found out my friend of 15 years, who cut off our weekly gaming group during Covid after a fight, is speaking to everyone but me. I wasn't even in the fight, I just checked in to see if he was OK after. FML

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By Anonyme - France

Today, I'm trying to come up with a plausible explanation for my co-workers as to why I have stitches in my face. I'm not sure I want to admit that I was clawed by a pigeon as I opened my garage door. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my son threw the biggest fit in history about going to the dentist. He broke a whole stack of plates, overflowed the bathtub, let the dog loose, and kicked his father when he tried to calm him down. My son is 17. FML

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By MDoremis - United States - Honolulu

Today, I bought How To Train Your Dragon and the cashier started complaining how her kids keep demanding dragon stuff and that mine will start after they see the movie. I don't have any kids, and I didn't have the courage to tell her I was buying it for myself. FML

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By BS2280 - 9/6/2020 23:00

Relationships sink

Today, my wife told me that she isn't in a place where she can have a physical relationship, that if I want us to have a physical relationship, then we need to start from the bottom up, and work on building a friendship. I'm like, we've been married 15 years, and we're not even friends? FML

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By midnightblade163 - Australia - Caringbah

Today, at work a customer yelled at me, called me a 'fucking bitch', 'a fat whore', and, told me to lose weight because I wouldn't let her in the grocery store I work at to buy lettuce, after we'd closed. Lettuce for her lizard. FML

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By ShamedJP - United States

Today, I saw a very attractive female police officer while at the DMV. Thinking myself suave, I asked her: "Is it sexual harassment if I tell you how beautiful I think you are, and ask for your phone number?" Apparently it was. FML

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By it's called an accelerator, grandma, get your ass in gear - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I had my first driving test. The instructor turned out to be the kind of twit who made me do the full 60-minute test, only to tell me afterwards that he was failing me for the only mistake I made less than 2 minutes after the test started. Time wasting tit. FML

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By Authentik8 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that one of my university flatmates arrived early for Freshers Week, and had a party which involved the place being trashed. I'm going to lose some of my deposit for damage caused before I even arrived. FML

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By boohoo - Ireland

Today, I was fired from my catering job for pointing out the unsafe food conditions. I'm studying food safety in college. FML

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By reedcarter

Today, while I was at a urinal, a man came up to use the one next to me. He then said, "I guess this is where all the dicks hang out." He then stared at me until I left. FML

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By Phantommajik - United States

Today, I was stuck at the airport overnight waiting for my flight for about 5 hours. I then went and looked at the departures board. It said that my flight had already departed. FML

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By hospital - United States

Today, I started my first day at a new hospital. My first assignment? Shave an elderly man's testicles. FML

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By Anonymous

Dr House

Today, I was trying to ease off a caffeine headache. I ended up getting a Brain Freeze. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to my kid's band concert. She's 12 and in the advanced team. They were the first ones to play and they were so incredibly bad that I laughed. Really, really loud. I was escorted out of the recital. FML

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By girlfriday - United Kingdom

Today, my left-handed boss needed PC help. I said "right-click for the menu." She said nothing happened. Three times we went through this. Eventually I went over, asking her to show me what she did. She was using her right hand on the left mouse button. She earns £10,000 more than me. FML

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By nick - United States

Today, my dad got drunk and asked if I had inherited his "abnormally tiny penis." FML

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By seablue - United States

Today, I wrote a poem for this guy I am falling for. Before telling him that I wrote it, he read it and then laughed at how "corny and stupid" it was because he would "never date someone who could come up with something that lame." The poem was about how vulnerable he makes me feel. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the closest I got to a vacation was the smell of my new towels, because they remind me of a hotel. FML

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By Anonymous

Thanks but no thanks.

Today, as my husband and I were leaving our wedding reception, my mother-in-law hugged me and whispered in my ear, "You're gonna do great tonight!" FML

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By Nick - United States

Today, my wife of over 20 years told me she wants a divorce because she wants "a change in life". She has had the same mullet hair cut since '84. FML

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By BrefODM - United Kingdom

Today, thanks to an efficient diet, I reached my target weight. Unfortunately, my chest has disappeared. My boyfriend suggested we have a funeral for my bras. FML

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By DrGas - United States

Today, while giving a lecture about gases to a large chemistry class, I went outside to let loose an unusualy loud fart while they took some notes. I came back in only to see 300 students dying of laughter. I had left the wireless mic on. FML

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By Solemnwishing - United States

Today, while riding on the car with my family, I put on my headphones and pretended to be listening to music and when my parents talked to me, I pretended I couldn't hear them. They took this opportunity to discuss how fat I was and how I can't hold down a boyfriend. They were laughing as well. FML

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By bun593 - United States

Today, I gave a technical presentation to a group of male colleagues. I was surprised by how attentive they were until I went to the washroom and realized that they could see every detail of my nipples through my new shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my dad that I had a herpes infection. He said "Good." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to have my tires replaced. While I was paying, the cashier asked if I would like a warranty for the tires. I said, "Nah, only idiots who can't drive need that." While pulling out of the parking lot, I took the turn too wide and popped my tire on the median. FML

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By goingtobeevicted - United Kingdom - London

Today, my new landlord and lettings agent made an illegal entry into my house. Unfortunately, at the time my boyfriend was buck naked, smoking a joint on the sofa, surrounded by the cats we aren't supposed to have. FML

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By aranya - Netherlands - Hengevelde

Today, I went to see a movie with my girlfriend and a few others. Mid-way through, I noticed my girlfriend giving a hand-job to my best friend. I couldn't believe my eyes, and I confronted them. He claimed he had been asleep, she claimed she was mopping up a spill, and I'm now single again. FML

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By S. Michaels - United States

Today, I was chatting to a nice girl at the mall, and I said if she didn't get a raise, I would write to the management. She said they have no email address, and I replied that I meant an actual letter. "Like, on paper?" she said, "Damn, how old are ya, pops?" I want a ticket off this planet. FML

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By gunnerdog - United States - Galveston

Today, during one of my first days as a teacher, a student stole my phone. FML

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By sarahmaxine - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my girlfriend came over to meet my parents. Everything was going fine until she said she owned a dog. My mom then immediately attempted to check her scalp for lice. FML

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By Anonymous

Thievery Ltd.

Today, I saw a neglected potted palm tree on the front porch of what I thought was an empty house down the street from me. I took it home to nurse it back to health. When I got home from work, it was gone. Later, when taking a walk, I spotted the palm, right back on the porch I'd taken it from. FML

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By lovelychris - Brazil - S?o Paulo

Today, my "friends" set me up on a blind date with a guy who according to their description, sounded perfect in just about every way. He turned out to be my obsessive ex, and this is their idea of a funny prank. FML

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By my ears are dying - United States

Today, my five year old niece decided to wake me up by shoving blasting earphones in my ears. Five hours later I can still hear Justin Bieber shrieking "Baby". FML

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Top comments

By FYLDeep | 25

#1988755 - Thursday 20 January 2011 12:17

Maybe she comes up with her best ideas when she's tossing the salad. Who are you to judge?

By babyyappld | 7

#1988703 - Thursday 20 January 2011 12:03

looks like you guys will just have to "toss the salad" on other ways to tell him

COMMENTS

By reganera | 0

#1988695 - Thursday 20 January 2011 12:01

lol, how old is this person?

whoisthisgirl | 4

#1988843 - Thursday 20 January 2011 12:52

:(... I hope not too old because I never even heard this phrase lol

Sparkadelic | 4

#1988905 - Thursday 20 January 2011 13:06

Tossing the salad means licking ass.

tencentsakiss | 19

#1988915 - Thursday 20 January 2011 13:11

11, I would recommend going to urbandictionary.com, but you really don't want to know, trust me.

tencentsakiss | 19

#1988926 - Thursday 20 January 2011 13:13

Nevermind, 15 already got to it.

birdman19 | 0

#1991481 - Friday 21 January 2011 8:33

By babyyappld | 7

#1988703 - Thursday 20 January 2011 12:03

looks like you guys will just have to "toss the salad" on other ways to tell him

GiddyXD | 0

#1989039 - Thursday 20 January 2011 13:59

her*?

MacNuggets | 0

#1989353 - Thursday 20 January 2011 16:24

I don't get it ... lol what's toss the salad?

natas_fml | 13

#1989931 - Thursday 20 January 2011 20:47

D'awwwwwh

13Lina97 | 0

#2374406 - Tuesday 19 April 2011 20:34

45 - It means licking ass.

By 660923 | 0

#1988717 - Thursday 20 January 2011 12:06

Yeah you should toss the salad until you find something else to call it.

By burriedinskin | 0

#1988728 - Thursday 20 January 2011 12:10

well that way you can say it all the time for fun and they won't think wrongly of it. it's nice to have a laph every once in awile

Monstee | 2

#1988877 - Thursday 20 January 2011 13:00

*laugh

chrisx020296 | 0

#1989971 - Thursday 20 January 2011 21:12

laph = laff, hence the ph, noob

barbara_jude_wee_fml | 0

#2665821 - Sunday 12 June 2011 15:34

you guys are both stupid... laugh**. dumb asses

By Doortje | 29

#1988751 - Thursday 20 January 2011 12:16

Maybe your next "toss the salad" meeting can be about how you all feel sexually harassed by her.

By FYLDeep | 25

#1988755 - Thursday 20 January 2011 12:17

Maybe she comes up with her best ideas when she's tossing the salad. Who are you to judge?

lovexbox | 8

#1988761 - Thursday 20 January 2011 12:19

You made my day.

By unfortunate_13 | 5

#1988796 - Thursday 20 January 2011 12:28

indeed, i wouldn't even point it out. way more fun if she doesn't know!

By kayPandastyle | 15

#1988867 - Thursday 20 January 2011 12:58

I totally agree I wouldn't have said shiz and had a lil laugh to myself. I don't think its a fml cus its funny and it is bettr that they don't understand ;p

By catkat1988 | 17

#1988898 - Thursday 20 January 2011 13:04

Why not just toss the salad with her? Can't be that bad. I actually like that expression, I was getting tired of "brainstorming", anyway. Being from Denmark, "brainstorm" is one of those words we insisted on "borrowing" because we were too lazy to find an appropriate Danish translation, or because some business-person figured the English term sounded cooler or whatever, so the English term has become a part of the Danish language. It's a shame that "tossing the salad" doesn't translate that well into Danish, or I might just have found us the new, Danish term for brainstorming. :-)