Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend and I were in our room getting hot and heavy.... - FML

By Jessie - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were in our room getting hot and heavy. As he was entering me, he started making electronic whirring sounds. Once inside, he said in a robotic voice, "Initiating launch sequence in 3... 2... 1..." and began thrusting as fast as possible. FML

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There's no helping some people

Serious times

Just a prank, bro!

By Anonymous - United States - Lakeland

Today, while on the way to Florida for spring break, I pointed out to my mom a bright blue car in the rear-view mirror. As the car overtook us, we both got a horrifyingly detailed view of the driver jerking off her passenger. FML

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By lxygrl - United States - Phenix City

Today, I was told I have kidney stones, kidney infections, and a bladder infection and that I have to get admitted into the hospital. I let my boss know, and she replied, "But you're still coming in for your shift tonight, right?" FML

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By asshalf15 - United States - Hacienda Heights

Today, I got expelled from school. I was walking down a flight of stairs when I tripped and bumped into a kid ahead of me by mistake. He fell forward and took half a dozen people down with him. The staff think I did it on purpose, and there's talk of charges being pressed. FML

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By BrownDump - United States

Today, I was taking a dump and I pushed so hard that I got light headed and passed out on the floor. FML

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By sigh - United States - Medford

Today, my daughter told me that when she dies, she'd like her ashes spread on her laptop. FML

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By CurseYouSonyaLee - United States - Midlothian

Today, I got into a fight with my brother that somehow ended with him breaking my toe with a Fisher-Price airplane. FML

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By analinguist - United States

Today, while playing Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, my phone rang, and I instinctively tried to pick it up with the Force. I kept trying until it stopped ringing. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Brampton

Today, I had to do a presentation in front of my entire school. I was very nervous, so I used the old trick of picturing everyone naked. Everyone then got a good view of my erection. FML

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By modprobs

Perfect timing...

Today, my boyfriend, who I haven't seen in months because we live in different countries, is coming to stay with me. I've been the picture of health for months, but today I woke up with my period, a terrible cold, and tooth pain from that root canal my dentist told me I didn't need a few years ago. FML

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By loldick - United States

Today, while my girlfriend was going down on me, she looked up at me and said, in a high-pitched voice, "Yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy!" FML

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By Nick - United States

Today, I was carrying a hot cup of noodles. I sneezed and accidentally stabbed myself in the forehead with a fork. FML

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By Stiffed - Australia - Warrnambool

Today, my old boss stiffed me on a large sum of money he owes me. I tried to contact him and point out that he legally owes me the money, but he won't answer his texts or his phone, and the managers say he changes the subject whenever they bring it up. FML

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By noosher0990

Today, I found out that my neighbor gets more pleasure out of me and my husband having it off then I do. FML

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By spartanson

Today, my football coach thought it would be a good idea to get drunk, run to the other sideline, and scream, "WELCOME TO SPARTA, BITCH!" This would've been funny if he weren't also my dad. FML

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By bnaz - 30/10/2020 17:01

Compassionate man

Today, my father told me I'm a lazy, pathetic waste. I work and have a one-year-old. Apparently, if you're trying to catch up on sleep, you're lazy. FML

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By wat_dafuq_bro

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend. Being the mature one, I went up to her and said, "Hey, how's it going?" She maced me and kept walking. FML

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By apologetic - United States - Latonia

Today, I got yelled at by a customer while working at a bank call center. He was furious I apologized for a mistake that someone else had made. I again apologized for apologizing. FML

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By Tabeling101

Today, I was in Walmart on a motorized cart and got stuck on a clothing rack next to a super hot guy. Panicking, I said "I just had surgery, I'm a new driver." After failing to get myself unstuck he had to pull the clothes rack and I apart. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my 20 year old daughter started ranting to me about her latest boyfriend's erectile problems. Trying to be a good dad, I told her all I knew about how to get the boy fixed. My wife decided to stick her head in and say, "Listen to your dad, hun. He knows all about this kind of thing." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was forced to spend three hours looking at a fat guy's butt crack, seated directly in front of me in an exam. I'm pretty sure it lowered my grade. FML

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By HornyWife - 13/6/2020 02:02

Out of order

Today, I'm on my honeymoon. My husband and I cannot consummate our marriage, because his penis has an open wound due to… vigorous masturbation. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Woodford Green

Today, I moved into my new place. It evidently used to belong to a hooker, because although I've only lived here for 9 hours, so far several different men have knocked on my door and asked if "Stephanie" is available for a good time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Everett

Today, I witnessed my karate instructor whimper and practically piss himself as a guy walked up to him in the street and demanded his wallet. What a total waste of hundreds of dollars' worth of lessons. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Today, I asked my class of fifth graders to write down a list of all the compound words they knew. At least four of them put down 'motherfucker'. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Margate City

Today, as I was leaving home for my mall kiosk job, my dad asked me where I was off to. When I said I was going to work, he tossed an empty beer bottle to the floor, belched, and said "Bah! Get a REAL job!" He's unemployed and living in my apartment. FML

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By ring-a-ding-ding - United States - Sparks

Today, at work, due to a mix up, I had to call an answering service. I am also from an answering service. We got the problem fixed but I couldn't hang up due to company policy. She couldn't hang up either. We both had to get our supervisors for permission to hang up. FML

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By homelessagain - United States - Lorain

Sue! SUE!

Today, I found out, through Facebook, that my landlord hadn't been paying the mortgage on the house I'm renting from him. It's going into foreclosure. FML

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By YoshiSqu4d

Today, my father told me I was becoming violent because of the video games I play. I was playing Minecraft. FML

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By thegrandchawhee - United States - Yakima

Today, I was scheduled to fill in at the customer service counter where I work. Today was also the day that I allegedly accused a customer of being a thief, sold her a fraudulent money order, and will be sued for defamation of character. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I was cooking something I knew would make a lot of smoke, so I asked my teenage daughter to tape a bag over the smoke detector. She said she did, so I cooked; the alarm went off and firemen came. She hadn't taped over the smoke detector, she'd taped it over the doorbell. FML

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By busybuzzybee - United States

Today, my asshole of a roommate finally decided to move out. Not only did he take his belongings with him, he took some of mine as well. Including my dog. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I found out how it feels when someone slips and falls while they have a hypodermic needle in your arm. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lewisville

Today, my boyfriend got pissed off and is now sulking, all because I didn't make a huge deal out of our 1-month "anniversary". FML

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By Ravhi Karia - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I went to see my ill granddad in hospital. I saw lots of doctors around his bed, and they pronounced him dead, so I ran out crying. A little later, I found out that my granddad had been moved, and it was a different man in his bed. FML

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By likwidsol - United States

Today, walking to work in a snowstorm since I don't own a car, a man rolled down his window and screamed, "what are you doing you f***ing freak? you stupid b**ch!", while I waited for a green light to cross. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was texting my trainer to rearrange our training session. My girlfriend texted me during the exchange, asking what I wanted for Christmas. I accidentally texted my trainer, "All I want are your sweet titties in my face". I'm awaiting a response. FML

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By ks0300 - United States

Today, while visiting my in-laws, I went into their home office in search of a sheet of scrap paper. Instead, I found printed copies of every email and IM my husband and I had ever sent each other, including pictures. Highlighted and annotated by his mother. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I came out to my parents. They nodded empathetically throughout my entire speech and told me repeatedly that it was okay. As I smiled and stood up, my dad asked, "But you're still going to marry a guy, right?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mom told me I couldn't be best man at my best friend's wedding. I'm 25. FML

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By my back hurts - Australia - Campbelltown

Today, I spent a large portion of the afternoon playing hide and seek with the door-to-door salesman who saw me sneak in the back door and won't stop knocking. No amount of hiding behind the couch will make him go away. FML

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Top comments

By Psychotic_Snail | 0

#1890953 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:38

hahaha hes a keeper

By dragsdotasniper | 2

#1890948 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:37

funny bf

COMMENTS

By dragsdotasniper | 2

#1890948 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:37

funny bf

Reply

Eyeliner_fml | 0

#1890964 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:40

lmfao I've seen so many of these fml's. I hope he was kidding, what a way to kill the mood.

Reply

syddyb | 0

#1890970 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:41

Atleast he has a sense of humor.:)

Reply

LightningLadyy | 0

#1891023 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:53

Hahaha, I would die laughing!

Reply

MrSStrupe514 | 0

#1891042 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:59

Lighten up! And quit bitching!

Reply

IndianForLife | 0

#1891159 - Saturday 25 December 2010 20:37

YDI for having sex before marriage.

Reply

pipp360 | 0

#1891265 - Saturday 25 December 2010 21:36

at least Op got laid.....

Reply

Bosia | 0

#1891649 - Sunday 26 December 2010 1:25

Did he "blast off", as well?

Reply

bh0p | 0

#1891701 - Sunday 26 December 2010 1:41

These FML's are so stupid it's all girls who have no sense of humor, just because there boyfriend does or says something funny. Gosh you dang girls need to learn to laugh. :/

Reply

White_Fury | 0

#1891973 - Sunday 26 December 2010 3:56

Great point 88. I completely agree. These FMLs are hilarious!

Reply

ninjagirl1996 | 0

#1892187 - Sunday 26 December 2010 5:54

how long did it take him to take off his glasses and suspenders? NERD ALERT!!

Reply

fml98kevin | 4

#1892450 - Sunday 26 December 2010 8:34

i was thinking the same thing!

Reply

poppyseed420 | 9

#1893756 - Sunday 26 December 2010 21:01

haha I've had tons of stuff like this happen to me, I guess when you hang out with guys you think a lot of the same stuff is funny

Reply

TaylorSaysMoo | 4

#1903203 - Wednesday 29 December 2010 11:21

Dude 88 ima girl and if my bf ever did something like that I'd be laughing haha whenever I read these FMLs it makes me wonder why girls canmot appreciate guys with some humor. Theyre lucky lol

Reply

BlackMoon_fml | 9

#5585594 - Thursday 18 July 2013 2:50

I'd put a ring on it so fast

By Psychotic_Snail | 0

#1890953 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:38

hahaha hes a keeper

Reply

HUG_fml | 0

#1891652 - Sunday 26 December 2010 1:25

lol

Reply

PurpleSleep | 0

#1892032 - Sunday 26 December 2010 4:25

"Houston, we have a problem"

By JessieMongoose | 11

#1890955 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:39

I would've laughed. Then, I would've slapped him.

Reply

Pb25797051 | 0

#1890992 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:48

BITCH

Reply

cradle6 | 13

#1891081 - Saturday 25 December 2010 20:06

Actually 14 is right. If you slap someone for making a joke, you are indeed a bitch.

Reply

pepsie_fml | 0

#1891198 - Saturday 25 December 2010 21:01

depends how hard you slap them.

Reply

charlesnk7 | 0

#1891798 - Sunday 26 December 2010 2:33

indeed

Reply

supersam1221 | 0

#1891905 - Sunday 26 December 2010 3:26

u soundlike my girlfriend

Reply

ryu7 | 0

#1892194 - Sunday 26 December 2010 6:00

I was smiling at this post at first then I read ur comment and frowned I wonder why...

Reply

barbarianDonkey | 0

#1892526 - Sunday 26 December 2010 9:29

this isn't an fml it's a win

Reply

jonathanpwns | 0

#1892659 - Sunday 26 December 2010 11:56

i found it funny that you're name is Jessie and the posters name is Jessie, suspicious much?

Reply

Mubus | 0

#1892954 - Sunday 26 December 2010 14:49

21: Epic pic!

Reply

walc | 2

#1894788 - Monday 27 December 2010 6:35

your*

By partychix246 | 0

#1890957 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:40

wow time to move on unless it felt good for some unknown reason

Reply

lil_ham1644 | 29

#5896894 - Thursday 27 March 2014 0:54

Some people like it fast... Yea the voice is a bit odd, but I would just laugh it off

By TXjuggalo972 | 6

#1890966 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:40

getting hot and heavy? lol sounds like your the funny one

Reply

walc | 2

#1894794 - Monday 27 December 2010 6:38

you're*

Reply

TXjuggalo972 | 6

#1895024 - Monday 27 December 2010 9:11

thank you

By Doortje | 29

#1890975 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:41

..and CRASH.

Reply

MacNuggets | 0

#1891076 - Saturday 25 December 2010 20:05

blast of!!

Reply

LuxAeterna_fml | 0

#1891532 - Sunday 26 December 2010 0:16

Houston, we have a problem. :D

Reply

Melli17 | 3

#1892362 - Sunday 26 December 2010 7:38

chamillionaire the millionaire ^ lol

By maddyjayneexox | 4

#1890977 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:41

hey, whatever turns him on.. right?

Reply

chaosdragn16 | 2

#1891871 - Sunday 26 December 2010 3:06

well that's just sad then. If that turns him on and she don't, lol!
anyways...
I thought it was gonna be that he came once he finished his countdown.

Reply

sfdrf | 0

#1892515 - Sunday 26 December 2010 9:15

at least they were getting some!

By jasonfabian | 0

#1890981 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:42

HA that blows

Reply

malters | 9

#1894185 - Monday 27 December 2010 0:52

no, it explodes ;)

By FerrariCake | 2

#1890983 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:43

Is your boyfriend's name Hal?

By perdix | 29

#1891004 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:49

And if his missile is a Minuteman, you need to find someone else, or learn to pleasure yourself with sex toys.

Premature payload delivery is a failed mission.

Reply

truthinlies | 1

#1891429 - Saturday 25 December 2010 22:57

lol how do you come up with this shit

Reply

SmallTownCutie | 0

#1891487 - Saturday 25 December 2010 23:57

haha that was well written.

Reply

omerthebomber | 4

#1891911 - Sunday 26 December 2010 3:28

Perdix ur my favorite person on FML

Reply

chuck_yams | 0

#1892488 - Sunday 26 December 2010 8:51

Yeah, how the hell do you do it?

Reply

gDwane | 0

#2139394 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 3:52

^win