Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend and I were in our room getting hot and heavy.... - FML

By Jessie - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were in our room getting hot and heavy. As he was entering me, he started making electronic whirring sounds. Once inside, he said in a robotic voice, "Initiating launch sequence in 3... 2... 1..." and began thrusting as fast as possible. FML

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Proactive

Dementia or hate? You decide

Walk on the wild side

By Anonymous - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was at a restaurant where the host is an attractive guy with only one arm. I was with my family, so I didn't want to be too obvious when checking him out. It seems like I was, though, because he came over and told me it was rude to stare at his arm. FML

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By iLikeMyLegs - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I was rushed to the ER due to a very swollen foot and high fever. The doctors said I just have a tissue infection but my parents believe I have a flesh eating disease. I can hear them discussing my future with an amputated leg. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I found out that when I text my boyfriend, he isn't the one to read them. Instead, he pays his friend to "keep the bitch busy." FML

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By I Heart My Cats and Dogs

Pet Store Madness

Today, I was filling out an application for a job at a local pet store. At the end of it, they wanted a paragraph about any pets I had. After a while, I found myself finishing a 3-page essay about them. That's the longest essay I've ever written. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting a pedicure and the woman sitting next to me asked the lady if she could take the skin she had scraped off my feet home to her birds because they love skin. She then describes for 20 minutes how her birds love to sit on her when her sunburn is peeling and eat her skin. FML

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By Lilly - United States

Today, my husband and I found out that our dog was pregnant. He now refuses to have kids with me for at least two years, because he wants to raise the puppies without any "distractions". FML

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By lostbandana - United States

Today, I was accused of cheating on my wife when an earring was found in our car. I knew it was my mom's missing earring but she didn't believe me. After calling my mom and getting them on the phone to clarify, my wife is upset I told my mother at all. Now I'm not a cheater, just an asshole. FML

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By adeeri - United States - Jackson

Today, a little kid accidentally ran into me at the pool. He apologized by biting my leg. FML

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By Kim - United States

Today, I got back a paper after a peer review. I had worked really hard on it over the last week and was proud of the end result. When I got the paper back the only positive comment on the paper was "well I really like the blue staple you used to hold it together." FML

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By lovingthis - United States - Largo

Today, I walked in on my grandfather smiling at his penis. FML

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By Sam - Canada

Today, I ordered more memory and a new hard drive for my computer. I can't remember the last time I was this excited about something. FML

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By Fox - United States

Today, while driving extremely fast on a road in the middle of nowhere, I started to go down a hill. Noticing a police car at the bottom, I slammed my brakes and blew a tire in the process. It turns out the police car was an old cutout used to trick people. FML

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By finalssuck - United States

Today, I found out that I have been studying for the wrong final exam. One more hour until the test. FML

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By pear8head - United States

Today, I ran into my new apartment neighbor. She said she could hear me and my girlfriend having wild sex last night. She told me she had always wanted to have a threesome. My new neighbor is as old as my grandma, and even resembles her. I politely declined. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Carlisle

Today, at a family dinner, I found the courage to tell my husband's parents about my schizophrenia. They exchanged weird looks and then there was an uncomfortable silence. Then my father-in-law finally says, "Christ. The grandkids won't come out all nutty, right?" FML

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By Discouraged despite my effort

Today, I told my future MIL that we couldn't see her on Christmas because I have to work that day passing out gifts to elderly patients, but that I would call off work to travel to see her any day after. That isn't good enough, so she asked my fiance to spend Christmas without me. FML

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By Anonymous - Macedonia

Today, my boyfriend tried to cure me of my snake phobia by buying one. When he took it out of the cage, it bit him. Now he's terrified of them too. Even worse, he dropped the snake, so it's now loose in our house. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while playing badminton, I was so distracted by my ex winking at me that I didn't notice the shuttle cock that hit me in the eye. FML

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By Jussy - 26/1/2021 17:01

Report card

Today, while assisting my kindergartener with distance learning, it became apparent what an incompetent bumbling mess his teacher is. In-person learning resumes next week, and I'm terrified to leave my child in a classroom with this man. FML

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By Not A Pervert - United Kingdom - Peterborough

Today, while at work, I was shown CCTV footage of myself staring at the chest belonging to a teenager I was serving. I was accused of being a paedophile and nearly fired, all because I wanted to know what version of Spider-Man was on her T-shirt. FML

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By ChePow - Canada

Today, a stripper came into my work to get some posters copied. She asked if she could pay in small bills. I just touched $50 that have probably rubbed up against a stripper's twat. FML

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By Ballprankster - 2/4/2021 16:57 - United States - New York

April Fool's

Today, I wanted to prank my husband and filled a kitchen cabinet with tennis balls. Not sure what was funnier, seeing his reaction when all the balls fell out, or the fact that before he got home, I forgot that I had placed the balls there and opened the cabinet myself. Twice. FML

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By anon - United States - Arverne

Today, I got pulled over by the cops for swerving a lot while driving. I tried to explain that my dog bit the back of my neck, but as soon as I opened my door to show him the bite marks and the dog, it ran out of the car. I still can't find him. FML

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By LilPie - United States - Fort Washington

Today, my friend and I were having a casual discussion about sex. Blowjobs came up and my friend said she'd never dared to give one, arguing that swallowing sperm can make you pregnant. I then had to go on with a 30 minute argument with her on how that's not possible. She's 26. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I learned that I cannot cook or clean in my kitchen because it's too noisy for my neighbour. Every time I do, she bangs on the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my brother and I drove 3 hours to pick up our puppy. The woman we bought him from said not to put him in the cage for the ride home as he would pee for sure. She recommended I put him on my lap. Not only did he shit on the seat backing out of her driveway, he pissed on me an hour later. FML

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By LifeSucks

Today, I came home to an empty house. I found a note from my wife telling me she was bisexual and found love in a woman. I FaceTimed my sister to tell her about it, and who do I see with her? My wife. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I turned 17. My parents completely forgot it was my birthday, and when I reminded them, my dad thought it was my 18th. He was ecstatic and mentioned that I can "finally get the hell out." FML

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By mjperfetti84 - United States

Today, I helped an old man with his groceries, because he was struggling and he had a cane. After, I was nice enough to drive him home. He went to thank me by giving me a kiss on the cheek. Then he stuck his tongue out, and tried to French kiss me. FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, at the rescue group I volunteer at, we finally adopted out a dog that has been with us for a few years now. This was an amazing thing for us because we never thought he'd get adopted. As we were getting excited and hugging each other, the dog ran away. FML

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By L_M_AND_R_L - United States

Today, I asked my mom not to bring her dog to my wedding, since he's a real pain in the ass. She told me not to worry about it because she didn't feel like going anyway. FML

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By Obsessed - United States

Today, I was rushed to the hospital because I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. Why was I crying? My favorite anime character died. FML

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By Stop being healthy

Today, and every other day this week, I brought carrots and celery into work to eat as a snack instead of chocolate. I got back from lunch to find a note on my desk saying, "Do you really think it's OK to eat carrots and celery that loudly every day?" Guess I won't try to be healthy. FML

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By EllaElle - 4/5/2021 06:01

Caught

Today, I went on a date with a guy. I lost interest in him quick, so I excused myself to go to the bathroom, hoping to make a run for the hills. As soon as I reached the front door, our server yells out, "I hope you’re not thinking about dining and dashing!" FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2020 05:02

Priorities

Today, my fiancé and I finally had the house to ourselves for the night for the first time in MONTHS, and we don't know when we will get a chance like this again. So, he texts his buddy to play zombies. FML

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By Lord_Nick - Canada - Qu?bec

Today, while I was taking a shit, a guy went into the next stall and narrated what he was doing in song. I'm still traumatized by his lyrics. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Vacaville

Today, my boyfriend was giving me a back massage while I was laying on my stomach. A few minutes into it, he stopped. I turned around to see why; he was taking a picture of my butt. FML

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By CP19JK12KH - United States

Today, I had a rare phone call from my ex-girlfriend. We ended up talking for hours about old times. It was the best conversation we have had in forever, it made me miss her and miss us. Later on in the day, she called back asking what we talked about. She was too high too remember. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I went to an amateur baseball game with some family and friends. When our team hit a home run, my grandpa took it upon himself to start screaming wildly, removing his prosthetic leg and waving it jubilantly in the air. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I experienced the most intense pain I have ever had in my life. I was eating blueberries when my sister made a comment which sent me into hysterics. The force of having a bullet-like berry violently shoot out your nostril is more painful than it sounds. FML

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Top comments

By Psychotic_Snail | 0

#1890953 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:38

hahaha hes a keeper

By dragsdotasniper | 2

#1890948 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:37

funny bf

COMMENTS

By dragsdotasniper | 2

#1890948 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:37

funny bf

Reply

Eyeliner_fml | 0

#1890964 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:40

lmfao I've seen so many of these fml's. I hope he was kidding, what a way to kill the mood.

Reply

syddyb | 0

#1890970 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:41

Atleast he has a sense of humor.:)

Reply

LightningLadyy | 0

#1891023 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:53

Hahaha, I would die laughing!

Reply

MrSStrupe514 | 0

#1891042 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:59

Lighten up! And quit bitching!

Reply

IndianForLife | 0

#1891159 - Saturday 25 December 2010 20:37

YDI for having sex before marriage.

Reply

pipp360 | 0

#1891265 - Saturday 25 December 2010 21:36

at least Op got laid.....

Reply

Bosia | 0

#1891649 - Sunday 26 December 2010 1:25

Did he "blast off", as well?

Reply

bh0p | 0

#1891701 - Sunday 26 December 2010 1:41

These FML's are so stupid it's all girls who have no sense of humor, just because there boyfriend does or says something funny. Gosh you dang girls need to learn to laugh. :/

Reply

White_Fury | 0

#1891973 - Sunday 26 December 2010 3:56

Great point 88. I completely agree. These FMLs are hilarious!

Reply

ninjagirl1996 | 0

#1892187 - Sunday 26 December 2010 5:54

how long did it take him to take off his glasses and suspenders? NERD ALERT!!

Reply

fml98kevin | 4

#1892450 - Sunday 26 December 2010 8:34

i was thinking the same thing!

Reply

poppyseed420 | 9

#1893756 - Sunday 26 December 2010 21:01

haha I've had tons of stuff like this happen to me, I guess when you hang out with guys you think a lot of the same stuff is funny

Reply

TaylorSaysMoo | 4

#1903203 - Wednesday 29 December 2010 11:21

Dude 88 ima girl and if my bf ever did something like that I'd be laughing haha whenever I read these FMLs it makes me wonder why girls canmot appreciate guys with some humor. Theyre lucky lol

Reply

BlackMoon_fml | 9

#5585594 - Thursday 18 July 2013 2:50

I'd put a ring on it so fast

By Psychotic_Snail | 0

#1890953 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:38

hahaha hes a keeper

Reply

HUG_fml | 0

#1891652 - Sunday 26 December 2010 1:25

lol

Reply

PurpleSleep | 0

#1892032 - Sunday 26 December 2010 4:25

"Houston, we have a problem"

By JessieMongoose | 11

#1890955 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:39

I would've laughed. Then, I would've slapped him.

Reply

Pb25797051 | 0

#1890992 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:48

BITCH

Reply

cradle6 | 13

#1891081 - Saturday 25 December 2010 20:06

Actually 14 is right. If you slap someone for making a joke, you are indeed a bitch.

Reply

pepsie_fml | 0

#1891198 - Saturday 25 December 2010 21:01

depends how hard you slap them.

Reply

charlesnk7 | 0

#1891798 - Sunday 26 December 2010 2:33

indeed

Reply

supersam1221 | 0

#1891905 - Sunday 26 December 2010 3:26

u soundlike my girlfriend

Reply

ryu7 | 0

#1892194 - Sunday 26 December 2010 6:00

I was smiling at this post at first then I read ur comment and frowned I wonder why...

Reply

barbarianDonkey | 0

#1892526 - Sunday 26 December 2010 9:29

this isn't an fml it's a win

Reply

jonathanpwns | 0

#1892659 - Sunday 26 December 2010 11:56

i found it funny that you're name is Jessie and the posters name is Jessie, suspicious much?

Reply

Mubus | 0

#1892954 - Sunday 26 December 2010 14:49

21: Epic pic!

Reply

walc | 2

#1894788 - Monday 27 December 2010 6:35

your*

By partychix246 | 0

#1890957 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:40

wow time to move on unless it felt good for some unknown reason

Reply

lil_ham1644 | 29

#5896894 - Thursday 27 March 2014 0:54

Some people like it fast... Yea the voice is a bit odd, but I would just laugh it off

By TXjuggalo972 | 6

#1890966 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:40

getting hot and heavy? lol sounds like your the funny one

Reply

walc | 2

#1894794 - Monday 27 December 2010 6:38

you're*

Reply

TXjuggalo972 | 6

#1895024 - Monday 27 December 2010 9:11

thank you

By Doortje | 29

#1890975 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:41

..and CRASH.

Reply

MacNuggets | 0

#1891076 - Saturday 25 December 2010 20:05

blast of!!

Reply

LuxAeterna_fml | 0

#1891532 - Sunday 26 December 2010 0:16

Houston, we have a problem. :D

Reply

Melli17 | 3

#1892362 - Sunday 26 December 2010 7:38

chamillionaire the millionaire ^ lol

By maddyjayneexox | 4

#1890977 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:41

hey, whatever turns him on.. right?

Reply

chaosdragn16 | 2

#1891871 - Sunday 26 December 2010 3:06

well that's just sad then. If that turns him on and she don't, lol!
anyways...
I thought it was gonna be that he came once he finished his countdown.

Reply

sfdrf | 0

#1892515 - Sunday 26 December 2010 9:15

at least they were getting some!

By jasonfabian | 0

#1890981 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:42

HA that blows

Reply

malters | 9

#1894185 - Monday 27 December 2010 0:52

no, it explodes ;)

By FerrariCake | 2

#1890983 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:43

Is your boyfriend's name Hal?

By perdix | 29

#1891004 - Saturday 25 December 2010 19:49

And if his missile is a Minuteman, you need to find someone else, or learn to pleasure yourself with sex toys.

Premature payload delivery is a failed mission.

Reply

truthinlies | 1

#1891429 - Saturday 25 December 2010 22:57

lol how do you come up with this shit

Reply

SmallTownCutie | 0

#1891487 - Saturday 25 December 2010 23:57

haha that was well written.

Reply

omerthebomber | 4

#1891911 - Sunday 26 December 2010 3:28

Perdix ur my favorite person on FML

Reply

chuck_yams | 0

#1892488 - Sunday 26 December 2010 8:51

Yeah, how the hell do you do it?

Reply

gDwane | 0

#2139394 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 3:52

^win