Today, to scare my little brother I dressed up as the killer... - FML

By fieldmarshalclitter - United States

Today, to scare my little brother I dressed up as the killer from the Scream movies. The outfit was a little too long on me, and I ended up falling down the stairs. Not only was he doubled over laughing, but so were the people in the emergency room. FML

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Out of it

Bad boys, bad boys…

Mind your own beeswax, Amanda

By NotRetarded - United States

Today, I went to a friend's sweet sixteen. Since I didn't know any else at the party I was really happy when the mother told me she sat me next to someone she thought I would have a lot in common with. He ended up being mentally challenged and talked to a sock puppet the whole party. FML

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By Jakub89 - Canada

Today, I signed up for an online dating site. In order to prove I was human and complete my registration, I had to pass a CAPTCHA. Coincidentally enough, the words in it were "depressed" and "loser". FML

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By MYLIFESUX - United States

Today, I was sitting using my laptop, I was also eating a bag of starbursts. They bag slid off the bed, I went to catch them and in the process my knee hit my laptop which flew off the bed onto the wooden floor, and shattered. I broke my $2,500 laptop to save 11 starbursts from falling. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Stoney Creek

Today, I was woken up and kicked out of my friend's party at 3:00 in the morning. This wouldn't have been so bad if someone hadn't stolen my shoes. I had to walk for an hour in the rain, in my socks. FML

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By udnrizh - United States

Today, I got a weird feeling about the account balance in my savings account. Turns out my fiancé has been using my account to order random items whenever he likes. This account is my savings for college tuition and related expenses. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I checked my Facebook to find I had been tagged in a bunch of photos from a party I had attended last night. On each picture I had a comment from my mom saying, "You're grounded." FML

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By lonelygirl - Canada - London

Today, my boyfriend promised me he wouldn't leave me alone in Niagara. I'm currently sitting alone in the hotel room drinking a bottle of wine while he gambles away money he doesn't have. FML

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By xoxoblondee - United States - Valley Village

Today, I learned the hard way why no matter how constipated you are, it is never a good idea to use a suppository when you are tired. FML

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By snow - Australia

Today, I found my biological father, who I have never met, on facebook and decided to message him. He blocked me. FML

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By Confession - Belgium

Get the message

Today, I've been begging my boyfriend to get us a dog for months now. This morning, I noticed he'd bought some toilet paper with dogs printed on it. I asked him if it was a sign. He replied, "Yeah, one you can stick up your ass." FML

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By zappy - United States

Today, I decided to see if electric dog collars work on human necks. They do. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to tan naked in a secluded part of my yard, so I wouldn't get tan lines. I even felt adventurous enough to leave my bikini and towel inside. This idea backfired however when my mom stopped home from work, assumed I wasn't home, and locked all the doors before she left again. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boss sent me some application forms to check over. After I spell-checked them and returned them, I found out they're going to be used to hire someone to replace me. FML

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By samsonity - 15/9/2020 17:02

It never rains, it pours

Today, I woke up knowing I'd done all my homework, so I'd have the day free. My dad calls me into his room to tell me that I have 3 outstanding exam papers to hand in this week. It was summer homework, set by my school's online learning website that I didn’t know it existed. FML

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By kal - United Kingdom

Today, on Facebook, I joined a group called "I want our relationship to last." My boyfriend commented "I don't." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was on a crowded bus on the way back from my boyfriend's when I suddenly had a terrible nose bleed. I had no tissues, so instead I had to use last night's underwear from my bag. FML

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By Vero - Austria - Timelkam

Today, in an attempt to be romantic, my boyfriend threw little stones against my window. Unfortunately, the window wasn't closed, and I was standing in front of it. FML

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By Jesstanothergurl - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to visit a new office building for a meeting. Halfway through the meeting, I got really nauseous and needed to throw up. I ran to find a bathroom, but got lost and ended up in a printing room. With no other option, I was forced to puke into a large envelope. FML

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By Zamaria - France

Today, I was woken up from a nap by my cat attacking my face. Evidently, my husband thought it would be funny to shine a laser pointer on my cheek. FML

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By Aldoch

Today, my daughter was still acting out her teenage issues. This morning, when I told her to, "Have a nice day" she screamed at me, "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" FML

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By Annoyed Student - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, my English teacher used the word "interpretate" again. This isn't the only mistake she's made though; I've been so frustrated that I've started a list of them. It's over a page long. I'm meant to be learning things from this woman. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Audubon

Today, my cat learned the hard way what the bathtub is for. While I was in it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I introduced myself, Pete, to my new coworkers at a shipyard. An hour into my shift, everyone started calling me re-Pete because I have a bit of a stutter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by offering me a foot massage to ease my sore feet after a run. I asked for a lot of pressure. Now I'm back home in a walking boot after being diagnosed with a fractured fifth metatarsal bone. FML

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By banana - United States

Today, I decided to practice putting a condom on with my mouth. Then my roommate walked in on me using my mouth to roll a condom onto a banana. FML

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By Thoughtless Wife

Today, my sister-in-law announced on Facebook that I did nothing for my husband's birthday. I'd just had major surgery, and I'm not allowed to drive or do much. We had a small party - just us and the kids - but didn't invite anyone over. I guess not inviting her meant we did nothing. FML

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By Absent - France

Today, my friends let me win at strip poker so I wouldn't take off my clothes. FML

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By Loopylogo

Today, my boss came into the office asked how I was doing and seemed totally normal and happy, then said, "I have to let you go. I heard some bad things about you." He wouldn't tell me what he heard, or from whom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Manchester

A likely story...

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years wanted to break up because I was "kissing" another guy. That guy was 73 years old and dying of a heart-attack. I work as an Ambulance Technician and was performing CPR. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to explain to my little brother that my pads were not in fact "big band-aids" and that he should probably remove them from his legs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Little Rock

Today, I got dumped because a guy sat next to me at a party and I didn't get up to change seats. Apparently, it means I subconsciously like the guy who sat down. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, my friend and I decided to go skinny-dipping in her pool just after we'd finished watching a scary movie. While we were in the pool, I heard something move in the bushes so I freaked out and ran onto the deck, slipping and falling flat on my back. Her dad saw the whole thing. FML

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By ambrosia

Today, I saw my boyfriend cutting the crusts off his peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He’s 24. FML

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By Richard - United States

Today, a DNA test proved that my 2-month-old daughter isn't mine. The real father is my girlfriend's husband, whom she married last year when she lied to me about going on a vacation. We've been together for three years and I never knew. FML

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By funnnyyyyy -_- - Nepal - Kathmandu

RIP

Today, I was singing along to my favorite song when a giant bug flew into my mouth. I was so shocked I almost swallowed it. After I was done freaking out, my sister wanted to throw the bug a big funeral for its "heroic sacrifice" in shutting me up. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was called up about a job I'd recently applied for. I was overly excited to tell them I'd be there on Monday. Then I remembered I canceled my car insurance due to financial difficulties. I have no way of getting there. FML

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By extrashiftwhoo - Australia - Preston

Today, I really didn't want to go to work. Still, I showed up for work early on the busiest night of the week and stayed back until past 10 p.m. Exhausted, I went to sign off the roster when I realised that, in fact, I was not rostered on for today at all. I'm on tomorrow, though. FML

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By NeedANewWindshield

Today, some unprovoked drunk asshole tried punching a hole through the windshield of my car. While I was driving it. FML

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By puggles - United States

Today, I found out that my beautiful engagement ring is a remake of the late Princess Diana's engagement ring. I also found out my fiancé bought it from an infomercial, for $19.95. FML

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By keenan - United States

Today, I had to use my driver's license to convince the security guard at a game room that I was a girl. FML

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Top comments

By MindFreakazoid | 10

#5205155 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:05

That's like Death coming to your door and tripping on the front step.

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#5205142 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:03

Well jeez, if you're going to dress up just to scare someone, at least make sure the costume fits. I usually just start singing and dancing, that can be pretty scary...

COMMENTS

By avillero69 | 2

#5205121 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:01

first!!!

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5205138 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:03

And the wait for moderation begins. *Turns on jeopardy music.*

Reply

majorjeneral | 0

#5205149 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:04

Your lack of creativity is astonishing. You had a real opportunity to make a first impression.

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#5205142 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:03

Well jeez, if you're going to dress up just to scare someone, at least make sure the costume fits. I usually just start singing and dancing, that can be pretty scary...

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5205226 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:18

That's because you sing and dance naked. Tell the whole truth, now...

Reply

ilikeboys31 | 7

#5205390 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:59

You know what's really funny. This was my Fml. Somebody jacked it and made it their own. Not cool.

Reply

ilikeboys31 | 7

#5205496 - Sunday 2 December 2012 2:26

You know what's really funny. Somebody jacked my FML and there's got passed through. Not cool.

Reply

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#5205550 - Sunday 2 December 2012 2:44

Sounds more like you we're trying to impersonate the character in "Scary Movie."

Reply

Vimy | 6

#5206019 - Sunday 2 December 2012 7:18

You know what, I'm pretty sure there IS one scene in one of the movies that this actually happens...

Reply

Vimy | 6

#5206021 - Sunday 2 December 2012 7:20

where* this actually happens

Reply

ArielTheMermaid | 17

#5207586 - Sunday 2 December 2012 20:24

I would have been freaked out. Those masks creep me out so much

By rageandlove13 | 8

#5205146 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:04

Troll denied.

Reply

ukrainianitalian | 2

#5205988 - Sunday 2 December 2012 7:05

Honestly I don't have a brother. But if I did, I would not want to scare him. Instead I would spend my whole childhood with him and enjoy life oppose to scaring him and making him angry.

Reply

Parky03 | 9

#5206325 - Sunday 2 December 2012 11:47

49-When your young, it doesn't work like that for siblings. They're usually arguing and fighting as children. Don't say that if you can't relate. And yes, I can relate.

By gczizza1997 | 15

#5205153 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:04

Karma got you before you even got a chance to scare your brother. Wow.

Reply

ryggsekk | 8

#5205173 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:06

karma dose not exist.

Reply

gczizza1997 | 15

#5205187 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:08

Before you go against my beliefs learn to spell correctly. Does*

Reply

jem970 | 19

#5205272 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:27

Haha no joke. She is a bitch, striking before the blow falls.... Terrible and unfair.

Reply

pmadNess | 14

#5205498 - Sunday 2 December 2012 2:27

11- I hate "grammar nazis", but I must say, I agree!!!! If they are going to criticize, get it correct...
I believe in Karma, she's my bitch!

Reply

wallandpiece | 16

#5205518 - Sunday 2 December 2012 2:34

I'm going to criticise your beliefs too. Karma does not exist.

Reply

kiwienne | 21

#5205528 - Sunday 2 December 2012 2:38

Typos happen

Reply

LaLince | 40

#5205904 - Sunday 2 December 2012 6:06

#29: I agree, karma doesn't exist.

By MindFreakazoid | 10

#5205155 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:05

That's like Death coming to your door and tripping on the front step.

By majorjeneral | 0

#5205168 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:06

There is nothing sweeter than karma kicking a$$ before you even get a chance to invoke it.

By Suba_fml | 8

#5205170 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:06

How couldn't you laugh at that?

By greenie213 | 23

#5205201 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:10

Hell! I laughed and I only read about it!

By DontThumbMeDown | 8

#5205218 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:17

Well now you have people on FML laughing at you. YDI

By SoylentCandycorn | 10

#5205230 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:19

Karma for douchebags.