Health: Today, to scare my little brother I dressed up as the killer... - FML

By fieldmarshalclitter - United States

Today, to scare my little brother I dressed up as the killer from the Scream movies. The outfit was a little too long on me, and I ended up falling down the stairs. Not only was he doubled over laughing, but so were the people in the emergency room. FML

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Understandable

BO Central

Pull your shit together, Bezos

By Anonymous - Iceland

Today, at an open mic comedy club, my jokes went down so poorly that someone decided to hurl a chair at me on-stage. FML

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By blueglover - United States - Perris

Today, I made a new friend. He seemed pretty cool, until we came to the topic of religion and the ancient alien theory. I'm seemingly now friends with a guy who thinks alien Jesus raped an Earth woman, and we're the resulting cross-breed. FML

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By Alec - United States

Today, I went on a date with a great girl; we went out to dinner and saw a movie. After the movie, we went out to my car to find out that a homeless man had broken the window, climbed into it, and was eating the leftover pasta with his fingers. FML

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By cody4prez

Today, my dad told my mom to hurry up or they'd miss the start of their concert. She said "I'm coming, I'm coming..." and without thinking, I blurted "That's what she said." They're super religious, and I'm now grounded till January. FML

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By Sal - United States

Today, I found a used condom and wrapper in the bathroom trash can at my girlfriends house. The condom is not a brand I've ever used. She lives alone. FML

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By anon - United States - Kennett

Today, I woke up and put my contacts in. It appears that I got drunk enough last night that instead of soaking my contacts in contact solution, I used mouthwash. FML

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By Ben Moy - 2/2/2021 07:57 - United States - Wallingford

Once bitten…

Today, after worrying for years about grinding my teeth after various dentists mentioned seeing evidence. Apparently, this worry manifested as subconsciously putting my tongue in the way at night, to the point where I have an open bite at 39 when I never had a problem before. I can't bite through sushi or sandwiches. FML

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By ROBERT - United States - Cresskill

Today, I actually had to explain to two of my friends that neither Alaska nor Nebraska are in Canada. I think I need new friends. FML

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By

Strange noise

Today, I was awoken at 1:30am by a strange noise, and something tugging on my hair. I opened my eyes, to find a very large rat sitting on my pillow, chewing my hair. FML

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By UTurn

Today, I lost my phone during a hike up Mount Washington. Luckily, it was reported to the office, and they called my wife. Too bad we had already been driving for at least four hours. FML

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By SMS123 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch with my boyfriend when I started choking. My boyfriend took it as an opportunity to sneak food off my plate. FML

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By John - United States

Today, I attended a formal dinner with donors to my university. While looking at a much older lady's nametag to see who she was, I was publicly accused of looking at her breasts. Now a bunch of people I was supposed to impress think I'm a pervert. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was given a DUI while in the Whataburger drive thru. FML

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By GlueAndCarrots - Canada - Markham

Today, my girlfriend threatened to break up with me because I crossed the street without holding her hand. FML

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By ellie - Australia

Today, I got a missed call from a lady at an employment agency asking why I hadn't turned up to an information session for a potential job. Yesterday, the same lady told me the job position was canceled. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex. Over breakfast, she said it was the most intense, primal and mind-blowing sexual experience she ever had. Problem is, I don't remember a damned thing. FML

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By KeysToHappiness - United States - Roseville

Today, I was kayaking with my family for my birthday, when we tipped over while going down a rocky cascade. My husband badly cut up his arm, and my car keys and my phone both went for a swim and never returned. Great birthday. FML

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By Thatguynoonelikes - United States - Mansfield

Today, I was babysitting a couple of kids. I'd spent time with them before, so I brought my video game console to play with them. I forgot to take it home with me. They soon sold it to another kid for $10. FML

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By Anonymous

Too much of a good thing

Today, I finally found a job as a secretary for a small film studio. The sets are in a soundproofed part of the building, but not for the typical reasons. Right through the wall is a pornography studio. It's all I'll hear from 8 to 5 every day. FML

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By Off_Road - United States - North Pole

Today, while on the highway, a guy in a truck sped up to pass me. He was hauling a trailer, which hit me and ran me off the road. I called the cops and followed him all the way into town, where the cops pulled him over. They let him go without even a ticket, because, "He didn't know he hit you." FML

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By Lentil - Australia

Today, I went over to my neighbours' to politely complain about their dog, which had been barking non-stop for hours. This issue has been going on for months, and I finally decided today, of all days, was the day to resolve it. When I got there, they'd just got home from giving birth at the hospital. FML

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By SocietyToday

Today, I was grocery shopping with my older sister. An elderly couple passed, and the man pointed to my sister, saying, "She LOVES to eat." My sister is 7 months pregnant, and I had to spend the next hour comforting her as she bawled her eyes out because of an off-hand comment from a stranger. FML

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By thatsucks - United States - Seattle

Today, I learned that my housemate used a dry vacuum to unclog the toilet before moving out and then didn't change the vacuum bag. He left several weeks ago. FML

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By mommylife - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my 3-year-old broke his glasses, clogged the toilet with Hot Wheel cars, and covered the whole house with Cheerios. All in a matter of roughly 6 minutes while I was putting laundry away. FML

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By in love with a nerd - United States

Lrn 2 Read

Today, my boyfriend refuses to talk to me because of a misread text. FML

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By Carmen - United States

Today, I painted an area I had carefully sanded, cleaned, and taped off. I pulled a fan out of the closet to help dry it faster. I turned the fan on, and a million dust particles flew off onto the wet paint. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Today, during a meeting with my boss, she explained she's giving me one more chance before she has to fire me. Her reason? I accidentally ordered chicken on a salad last week for a meeting and she feels my performance has gone down the tubes. FML

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By Anonymous - Czech Republic - Ceska

Today, while making love to my wife, I felt adventurous and told her to hit me. She didn't so much as hesitate before savagely slapping me with her ring hand. Now I'm back home from the hospital, with stitches closing up a huge gash on my cheek. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 23:01

Covid 19 ain't going anywhere

Today, my fiancé and I decided to just have a small wedding and have a big reception later, out of concern for everyone’s health and safety. My mother won’t stop asking us, “What’s the point now?” I thought our marriage was the point. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my electricity went out. The electric company said it was because the bill was at least 4 months overdue. Apparently, I have been paying for my roommate to go out and party for weeks. FML

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By carolinagirl - United States

Today, I found out that my mom and dad got a divorce. They didn't tell me, they just changed their relationship status on Facebook. FML

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By ewwww - United States

Today, my family was talking about how people's hair goes gray when they get old. My grandma mentioned that she was initially attracted to my grandpa because of his red hair and was sad when it turned gray. "It's ok," she continued, "his pubic hair is still red." FML

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By Shauna - United States - Jacksonville

Today, it was my birthday. I finally got the PS3 I've been asking for, for a long time. When I opened the box, I didn't find a PS3, but a bunch of clothes that my mom put in my brother's PS3 box. FML

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By wasntworththedrive - United States

Today, the guy that I've recently became close to texted me, wanting to hook up. He's very cute and I was definitely interested, so I agreed. The drive to his house lasted longer than the actual sex. He lives less than five minutes away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wheatland

Today, I tried talking to my wife about our sexless marriage. Her only response was to toss me a sock and say "Knock yourself out, fuckstick." FML

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By why

Today, I caught my roommate pouring back his leftover milk from his cereal back into the jug to "save money." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at work at the airport. I got called up to a plane's cargo hold, and thought I'd finally learn how to use the loader. Turns out they just needed me to weigh something down, effectively making me ballast. Then my boss told me to get the hell off, after which I hit my head hard climbing out. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 08:03

Unloved

Today, my dad lied and said he was busy working, all because he didn't want to see me. FML

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By suhleedah18 - United States

Today, I realized just how bad my problem with making eye contact is, when I caught myself looking the other way when the singer in a music video looked directly at the camera. FML

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By EmbarrassedBather

Today, while I was showering, someone left a note on the bathroom door that read, "We can all hear you masturbating. Shut the hell up." I don't know what's more embarrassing, that everyone in my house thought I was masturbating or that I was actually singing. FML

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Top comments

By MindFreakazoid | 10

#5205155 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:05

That's like Death coming to your door and tripping on the front step.

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#5205142 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:03

Well jeez, if you're going to dress up just to scare someone, at least make sure the costume fits. I usually just start singing and dancing, that can be pretty scary...

COMMENTS

By avillero69 | 2

#5205121 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:01

first!!!

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5205138 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:03

And the wait for moderation begins. *Turns on jeopardy music.*

Reply

majorjeneral | 0

#5205149 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:04

Your lack of creativity is astonishing. You had a real opportunity to make a first impression.

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#5205142 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:03

Well jeez, if you're going to dress up just to scare someone, at least make sure the costume fits. I usually just start singing and dancing, that can be pretty scary...

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5205226 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:18

That's because you sing and dance naked. Tell the whole truth, now...

Reply

ilikeboys31 | 7

#5205390 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:59

You know what's really funny. This was my Fml. Somebody jacked it and made it their own. Not cool.

Reply

ilikeboys31 | 7

#5205496 - Sunday 2 December 2012 2:26

You know what's really funny. Somebody jacked my FML and there's got passed through. Not cool.

Reply

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#5205550 - Sunday 2 December 2012 2:44

Sounds more like you we're trying to impersonate the character in "Scary Movie."

Reply

Vimy | 6

#5206019 - Sunday 2 December 2012 7:18

You know what, I'm pretty sure there IS one scene in one of the movies that this actually happens...

Reply

Vimy | 6

#5206021 - Sunday 2 December 2012 7:20

where* this actually happens

Reply

ArielTheMermaid | 17

#5207586 - Sunday 2 December 2012 20:24

I would have been freaked out. Those masks creep me out so much

By rageandlove13 | 8

#5205146 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:04

Troll denied.

Reply

ukrainianitalian | 2

#5205988 - Sunday 2 December 2012 7:05

Honestly I don't have a brother. But if I did, I would not want to scare him. Instead I would spend my whole childhood with him and enjoy life oppose to scaring him and making him angry.

Reply

Parky03 | 9

#5206325 - Sunday 2 December 2012 11:47

49-When your young, it doesn't work like that for siblings. They're usually arguing and fighting as children. Don't say that if you can't relate. And yes, I can relate.

By gczizza1997 | 15

#5205153 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:04

Karma got you before you even got a chance to scare your brother. Wow.

Reply

ryggsekk | 8

#5205173 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:06

karma dose not exist.

Reply

gczizza1997 | 15

#5205187 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:08

Before you go against my beliefs learn to spell correctly. Does*

Reply

jem970 | 19

#5205272 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:27

Haha no joke. She is a bitch, striking before the blow falls.... Terrible and unfair.

Reply

pmadNess | 14

#5205498 - Sunday 2 December 2012 2:27

11- I hate "grammar nazis", but I must say, I agree!!!! If they are going to criticize, get it correct...
I believe in Karma, she's my bitch!

Reply

wallandpiece | 16

#5205518 - Sunday 2 December 2012 2:34

I'm going to criticise your beliefs too. Karma does not exist.

Reply

kiwienne | 21

#5205528 - Sunday 2 December 2012 2:38

Typos happen

Reply

LaLince | 40

#5205904 - Sunday 2 December 2012 6:06

#29: I agree, karma doesn't exist.

By MindFreakazoid | 10

#5205155 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:05

That's like Death coming to your door and tripping on the front step.

By majorjeneral | 0

#5205168 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:06

There is nothing sweeter than karma kicking a$$ before you even get a chance to invoke it.

By Suba_fml | 8

#5205170 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:06

How couldn't you laugh at that?

By greenie213 | 23

#5205201 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:10

Hell! I laughed and I only read about it!

By DontThumbMeDown | 8

#5205218 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:17

Well now you have people on FML laughing at you. YDI

By SoylentCandycorn | 10

#5205230 - Sunday 2 December 2012 1:19

Karma for douchebags.