Today, I'm sitting in the ER with my eight-year-old son. He broke...

By Marjorie - 13/7/2012 17:08 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with my eight-year-old son. He broke his arm after jumping out through the second story window. He was too impatient to walk to the ice cream van pulling up outside. FML

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Kids

Gratitude walks

Noise

A beautiful truck decoration

By Anonymous - 19/9/2010 05:38 - United States

Today, I accidentally bumped into the fire alarm which set off a high pitch buzzing noise that could be heard throughout the entire dorm. It went on for at least two hours and none of the technicians could figure out how to turn it off. All the girls on my floor want to kill me. FML

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By demaris - 30/10/2010 23:46 - Canada

Today, I was following a makeup tutorial on YouTube. The girl said to apply concealer to any "problem areas" on my face. When I was done, 90% of my face was covered in concealer. FML

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By WaltTheFuckDad - 1/9/2013 23:06 - United States - Salida

Today, my dad tore my room apart for the second time, looking for drug-making equipment. His reasoning is that I must be dealing drugs, because I'm a chemistry major who likes to watch Breaking Bad. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2011 07:47

Today, I found out the hard way what it sounds like when you take the first letter of my first name, A, and put it with my last name, Hole. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2012 15:14 - United States

Today, I was given a bottle of vitamins that are supposed to help your memory. I forgot them at home. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2019 00:00

Today, someone misread some details of my dating profile on an app and thought I was subtly indicating that I'm a prostitute. In fact, I'm a shy 33-year-old virgin who's never been kissed and has obviously been failing at using dating apps and websites for years. I guess now I know one thing I did wrong. FML

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By schnegg - 23/4/2016 17:33 - Switzerland

Today, the firm I work at informed all the employees about our annual staff trip. So, we're going to a tomato festival and everything is already planned and booked. I'm allergic to tomatoes. FML

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By mettaton - 17/1/2019 00:00

Today, I realized that my mom talks to me with the exact same tone of voice she uses for my little cousin. I’m 23 and my cousin is 2. FML

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By okaydisarray - 4/7/2015 02:31 - United States - Dayton

Today, my husband's 70-year-old uncle came for a visit. Since we only have 2 bedrooms, we set him up in our daughter's room. Later, I glanced into the room and saw him masturbating in her bed. FML

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By DemonicDummy - 5/1/2017 05:06

Today, after smoking, I sat down to watch Supernatural with my young cousin. I accidentally let out a burp during a demonic possession scene and, to our surprise, smoke came out of my mouth. Now there's a crying 11-year-old hiding somewhere in the house with salt. Mom will be home in 5 minutes. FML

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By me - 20/4/2015 01:46 - Canada

Today, my exchange student asked me for a ride to a party at a friend's house that I didn't know about. When I said, "Oh, just let me change", she replied, "I just need the ride, you're not invited." FML

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By annoyed teen - 13/4/2014 03:01 - United States - Boise

Today, I had to work at the restaurant instead of going to the prom, which nobody asked me out to. For five hours, I got to shamefully greet and seat people on their way home from the prom, all of whom knew I was too lame to get asked out. FML

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By how many?! - 22/8/2019 00:01

Today, a woman contacted me because she thinks my daughter and her children are half siblings. I thought it was a scam until she sent me a picture of my estranged ex and her kids, who look almost identical to mine. I’m the eighth woman she's contacted so far, with who knows how many more to go. FML

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By smith - 28/1/2012 03:13 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife made a joke about the size of my package, so figuring all's fair in love and war, I bought some laxatives to prank her with. They took a lot longer to work than I thought, and I ended up lying in bed, listening to my wife shitting her guts out in the bathroom for over an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2015 21:03 - United States - Edison

Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend made me breakfast in bed, then we went out shopping, had a picnic, watched a good romcom, had a fancy dinner, and ended the day with great sex. And when the clock struck twelve, he dumped me. FML

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By birchbeer - 11/5/2015 19:39 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned I'm claustrophobic by having a raging oh-god-I'm-gonna-fucking-die panic attack while I was stuck inside an MRI scanner. FML

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By Kate - 5/4/2019 22:00 - United States - Exton

Today, my dog showed me her latest kill. Too bad it was the stuffed animals my dead grandmother had given me as a child that had a lot of sentimental value to me. FML

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By thisblows - 11/4/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, I was at a professional hockey game. I wasn't paying attention and a puck was shot into the stands and hit me in the face. My mouth was bleeding and I lost two teeth. As I was trying to cough up my teeth the old man next to me shoved me over and stole the puck. Everyone cheered. FML

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By Stuck - 15/7/2009 04:01 - United States

Today, I was going to break up with my boyfriend after we went out for dinner. To my surprise, our families were also in the restaurant, to witness him propose to me. FML

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By HomelessGirl1 - 21/5/2012 05:28 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, while volunteering at a local homeless shelter, I asked the woman next to me how long she'd been homeless. She works there. FML

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By waltzy777 - 26/4/2009 08:12 - United States

Today, we were having a family get together at my house. Because of this, i had to mow our lawn to make sure it looked nice. I got a little bored and decided it would be funny to cut a rather large penis into my yard. right when i finished, i ran out of gas. My 83 year old grandmother saw. FML

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By woundedexwife - 16/1/2010 01:22 - United States

Today, I realized why my husband had been seemingly wanting to improve our relationship by sending little texts throughout the day for the last couple of months, asking what I was doing. It was so he could find out when would be the best time to have his girlfriend over and cheat on me. FML

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By medstudent - 4/2/2009 21:24 - United States

Today, it was the first time I ever saw a vagina in person. It was during medical school training on how to do a pelvic exam. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2019 20:00

Today, my girlfriend and I tried to have sex in the shower. While trying to support her weight, as we got into things, I slipped backwards on the wet floor and fell through the Pyrex side of the shower, with her crashing down on me. I now have bits of Pyrex in my back and have to replace the shower side. FML

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By steve-o - 14/2/2019 15:46 - United States

Today, while spooning my spouse, I was awakened in the wee hours by a huge, junk-rattling fart. This has happened numerous times since she became a vegetarian. FML

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By chicagobulls102 - 10/9/2011 18:19 - United States

Today, the really cute guy who asked for my number last night texted me. He wanted to know if he could get my friend's number, because he'd been too shy to ask her directly. FML

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By and she doesn't even give bjs - 9/2/2013 00:44 - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, I watched The Passion of the Christ with my girlfriend. She kept scoffing at what she called the "historical inaccuracies", and actually tried to convince me that Hitler killed Jesus. When I corrected her, she looked at me, mouth agape, as if I was insane. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2010 17:53 - Canada

Today, I thought I'd wear my snow boots so I wouldn't slip on the ice at work. I crashed my car because I can't feel the pedals with my boots on. FML

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By contracted - 22/8/2016 05:49 - United States - Concord

Today, I received a letter telling me I'm not qualified for a job I've been unofficially doing for the last three years. It's the fourth letter I've gotten since applying. I guess it wouldn't be too bad if I didn't have to train the new person who got the job instead of me. FML

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By "lildale92" - 5/11/2019 02:00

So cute

Today, my youngest decided my phone needed a bath in the toilet. FML

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By walkingdead_1029 - 6/5/2013 06:49 - United States - Peoria

Today, the girl that I've been madly in love with was demanding I tell her who I liked. I told her no, I should just keep it a secret, but she demanded I tell her. After I told her, the only response I got was, "You're right. You should have kept that a secret." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2015 04:36 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be hilarious to secretly swap her and my mom's numbers in my phone, then sexually tease me before going to work. I found out about the prank when I texted my "girlfriend", saying I was going to fuck her so hard she wouldn't walk straight for days. FML

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By damn it rose - 31/5/2014 13:40 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my ex-girlfriend proposed to me, at my wedding. FML

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By teapotrevolt - 2/3/2015 20:40 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, while laughing at a jogger that fell down while running, I choked on my French fries. They had to give me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

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By oh no - 18/4/2020 02:00

What Mötley Crüe call "Breakfast"

Today, I think all those jokes my wife made about becoming an alcoholic during quarantine may be true. She came back from the weekly shopping today with 7 bottles of wine, a bottle of tequila and a 30-pack of beer. FML

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By hashtag67 - 5/11/2016 09:08

Today, I taught my first seminar as a teaching assistant. I prepared for hours and rehearsed and discussed it with the professor. Two students fell asleep, I said "shit" twice and I froze mid-sentence, then said, "Sorry guys, I have no idea what I'm saying." FML

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By stillwaiting - 9/3/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, my mom called and told me I got accepted to my first-choice college. I got really excited and asked her to read me the letter. As she started to read it, she said, "Oops... uh, nevermind." FML

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By robert - 31/1/2012 00:20 - United States

Today, I went to deliver some reports to my boss in his office. He was facing away from me and ranting about his "useless employees", so I slipped in and waited for him to put the phone down. Turns out he was talking to himself. When he noticed me, he bitched me out and threatened to fire me. FML

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By Thescarlettfox - 1/3/2020 21:00

Alexa, play "Jump" by Van Halen

Today, I had the brilliant idea of jumping off a swing at its highest point. I can now add two things to my list of accomplishments: making out with a tree and breaking my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2016 06:10 - Australia - Sydney

Today, a classmate at college accused me of stalking her. All because I walked past her house. I was walking to the supermarket. FML

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Top comments

By Starcatch77 | 20

#4683993 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:00

You know what they say...The apple doesn't fall far from the tree...

...Or the window.

By yuggi1 | 11

#4684016 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:02

It's cause those damn ice cream trucks are there one second and gone the next. Every millisecond counts.

COMMENTS

By Starcatch77 | 20

#4683993 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:00

You know what they say...The apple doesn't fall far from the tree...

...Or the window.

chilearmy123 | 4

#4684118 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:08

Could everyone dislike my comment? Im goin for a record

keven501 | 12

#4684136 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:18

You have to take risks to get your ice cream

chilearmy123 | 4

#4684148 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:11

Could everyone dislike my comment? Goin for a record!

tjv3 | 10

#4684217 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:27

Your kid is an idiot op. did you not teach him what is and isn't a good idea

baconftw | 9

#4684364 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:39

Your son kinda deserved it.

ryry013 | 6

#4684411 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:58

Did he get the ice cream!?!

efemel94 | 7

#4684460 - Saturday 14 July 2012 3:14

Pain is temporary. Ice cream is eternal.

naughtia | 14

#4684559 - Saturday 14 July 2012 3:40

At least you're in Canada and don't have to pay any hospital bills!

Briiyahh | 7

#4684676 - Saturday 14 July 2012 4:05

Y did u get thumbed down...? He is stupid don't deny it even at 8 you should know better

CoconutOil | 7

#4684724 - Saturday 14 July 2012 4:26

Not just that, you probably don't have to worry about 7 FBI agents coming to your house and falsely accusing you for child abuse!

chyeneee | 3

#4684794 - Saturday 14 July 2012 4:49

Well at least he's got his priorities straight

XmoulcraftX | 6

#4684860 - Saturday 14 July 2012 5:14

Prick >.>

iSeeSarcasm | 3

#4684879 - Saturday 14 July 2012 5:22

36- the ice cream was a good idea at the time.

saxetsasnak | 5

#4684933 - Saturday 14 July 2012 5:38

THAT'S what he would do for a Klondike bar

truth_spitta | 0

#4685562 - Saturday 14 July 2012 7:55

Ok, am I the only one that thinks the kids a freakin boss?

nutcrackers | 2

#4685831 - Saturday 14 July 2012 9:55

Time to teach your son some patience

anythingmustbe | 18

#4685932 - Saturday 14 July 2012 11:05

True to the saying I scream for ice-cream

jerrylee123 | 8

#4686347 - Saturday 14 July 2012 14:25

Uh, the FBI don't handle individual child abuse cases. They deal with FEDERAL crimes.

iTz_x_BurneddPs3 | 0

#4687673 - Saturday 14 July 2012 22:08

I guess he screamed for ice cream..

nado13579 | 12

#4688136 - Sunday 15 July 2012 2:36

The sad thing is I think most of us here on FML would probably do the same thing.

False_Stupidity | 41

#4689611 - Sunday 15 July 2012 12:04

The OP's kid is silly.
Now if it had been a bacon truck, I would understand and approve of such extreme measures, but Ice-cream just isn't as worth it...

By mrsmathers17531 | 5

#4683995 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:00

LOL aw:(

alexup24 | 13

#4684238 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:31

2- You're way too fucking deep

alexup24 | 13

#4684265 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:30

2- You're way too fucking deep...

unhappybitch | 8

#4684655 - Saturday 14 July 2012 4:01

#39 your picture with your comment made me laugh.

klx125cross | 9

#4872116 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 3:37

Obviously she's mixed up...,her profile says shes a mister...,just saying..

By yuggi1 | 11

#4684016 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:02

It's cause those damn ice cream trucks are there one second and gone the next. Every millisecond counts.

Dr0reos | 8

#4684466 - Saturday 14 July 2012 3:17

Well that's what happens when the ice cream man puts meth in the Popsicles.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4685063 - Saturday 14 July 2012 5:57

Here in NYC they remain in one spot for a long time with that annoying melody.

RealReasons | 0

#4685205 - Saturday 14 July 2012 6:16

This kid better have got his ice cream. Damn windows trying to tell him what to do...

MysteriousX_fml | 10

#4860554 - Sunday 26 August 2012 0:48

Well, did he get his ice cream? Important details...

scapachini1 | 10

#6036325 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 13:40

#188 i'm so sorry for your childhood

By AdrianneLily | 9

#4684024 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:04

Aww

alexup24 | 13

#4684263 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:34

3- The amount of intellect you put into your comment is astonishing

By person961 | 9

#4684025 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:02

Kids get crazier and crazier for the ice cream trucks, I though chasing it was still in. I guess a well timed jump will put you straight through the roof to the ice cream.