Kids: Today, I'm sitting in the ER with my eight-year-old son. He broke...

By Marjorie - Canada - Toronto

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with my eight-year-old son. He broke his arm after jumping out through the second story window. He was too impatient to walk to the ice cream van pulling up outside. FML

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Kids

Halloween came early

Healthcare is broken

You big child

By killme - United States - Lewiston

Today, I was at church, when my mom's phone went off during the sermon. As if that wasn't humiliating enough for me, her ring tone was set to the Bed Intruder song. FML

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By Anonymous

Bigmouth Strikes Again

Today, I was involved in an intense argument with my dad. Just as I yelled, "You haven't done one thing for me", my phone rang. The same phone that, as of today, my dad no longer pays the bill for. FML

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By ravlol - United States

Today, my friends and I were going to do an ugly sweater photo shoot. When we met up, one of them was wearing a sweater I gave on her birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad made me figure out how to disable the adult content filters on our internet. He spent what must have been a full 10 minutes on a distracting, long-winded speech about how he doesn't want to look up porn, but "it's just the principle of the damn thing". Sure, dad. Sure. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I almost got written up for insubordination by my boss. All I did was explain to him that I couldn't help a tourist out because I speak Japanese, not Korean, and that it's not in fact "the same Asian shit" as he seemed to think. FML

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By n0taplumber - United States

Today, I reached in between the couch cushions to see if my iPod had slipped in there. I didn't find my iPod, but I did find an old utility knife blade. With my fingers. FML

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By Modeon123 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, I was eating my lunch. When I opened my mouth to eat a spoonful of rice, a bee flew right inside my mouth. My tongue got stung. FML

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By ew - United States

Today, I realized that my dandruff issue was so horrible, that even my eyebrows have dandruff. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 08:03

Planned assault

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be wise to joke that we needed to postpone our reunion for another week. We haven't seen each other for almost 4 months, due to events out of our control. He thinks he's funny. He'll get punched when we do see each other again. FML

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By jroberts

Today, I was watching TV in my living room while my wife was cooking. I began to smell the aroma of her potato soup, which made me hungry. Suddenly, I realized that the smell wasn't my wife's cooking but was in fact my body odor. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2020 08:02

Take care

Today, after close to 10 years of marriage, my wife’s health has improved enough she is craving sex again. Just not with me. FML

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By Domo731 - United States - Johnson City

Kinky.

Today, I drank from a soda can that was on my floor. Unfortunately, it was my boyfriend’s pee. He was too lazy to go to the bathroom. FML

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By Pixie - United States - Mckenna

Today, I was asked if the reason I didn't like the new male massage therapist was because I was no longer the most muscular person in the spa. I'm a 5'4 woman and I don't work out. FML

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By Anonymous

Johnny Weissmuller over here

Today, I was walking in the woods with the girl I like when I saw a vine overhanging a small creek. Trying to make her laugh, I took off my shirt and started swinging on the vine like Tarzan. The vine snapped and I fell into the creek. Guess who's missing half the skin on his back? FML

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By kiwibox - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, my dog had an upset stomach and diarrhea. To avoid a mess on the carpet, I confined her to a gated area in the kitchen with sheets over the floor, so any mess could be cleaned up easily. Instead of going on the sheets, she sprayed shit all up the walls. FML

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By fuckyoutoothen! - 22/7/2020 08:02

Nice victim blaming!

Today, I showed my friend all the dirty messages and dick pics her boyfriend had sent me. I included the ones of me telling him to stop. Instead of being mad at him, she flipped out on me, saying it’s my fault because I “dress too sexy” and he shouldn’t even have my number. He got it from her phone. FML

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By Annette - 27/11/2020 23:01

Smart criminals

Today, I came out to find my truck window broken. They broke into my truck to yank out the stereo. It was unlocked the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bronx

Today, I got locked in my boyfriend's garage in my underwear while his parents ripped him a new one for having sex beneath their roof. His sister had to let me out. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me. All because I’m thinking of moving to the UK next year to study, and apparently, a girl he’s been thinking about for a week is a better option. FML

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By miji

Today, for the fifth time in a row, my parents tried to discuss my pooping habits with me at the dinner table. This time, we had guests. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Vancouver

Today, my manager asked me for the password to my Internet so she could Skype family since she can't pay her bill. This is the same woman who just a week ago tried to evict me because my rent was an hour late. Trying to be the bigger person, I gave her the password. She changed my password. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was kneeling down at work to do some cleaning. My co-worker said, "Oh don't your knees hurt, kneeling like that for so long?" Without thinking how it sounded, I said, "Oh no, it's not a problem. I'm on my knees all the time." He's yet to stop hitting on me. FML

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By Higgs - United States

Today, I went to the pool. When I hit the water the top of my swimsuit came off so I tried to put it on underwater. The lifeguard thought I was drowning and pulled me out in front of everyone. Topless. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2021 00:30 - Germany - Wolfsburg

Hello Alanis ? We've got something for you.

Today, two people at work - both higher up than me - called me out for "stomping" when I walk up stairs. I have a disability that causes this. We work at a place specifically for disabled people. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife kicked me out of my own bed to go and sleep on the sofa because the dog was whining, and would only stop if she was allowed to sleep on my side of the bed. My wife would rather sleep with the dog than me. FML

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By SpiderFather - France

Today, my seven-year-old son put a spider in the microwave. Animal cruelty? No. The goal was to irradiate it, then get it to bite him so that he would become Spider-Man. FML

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By Leigha - Trinidad and Tobago

Today, I found out that if you see a tray with some black stuff in it and you can't decide whether it's powdered black pepper or cigarette ashes, it's not a good idea to taste it. FML

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By littlegirl - Canada

Today, I was sitting with my crush at lunch. Trying to flirt, I tried to stare seductively into his eyes while sucking on my straw. I missed. The straw shot straight up my nose, causing me the worst nose bleed of my life. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I went to a funeral for my coworker's father. While there, my dad's cell phone rang and he left to answer it. I turned to my brother and said, "I can't believe he brought his cell phone!" He whispered, "I can't believe he's got coverage. This is a dead zone!" I laughed loudly. At a funeral. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got so angry at losing in FIFA, I punched a hole in my wall and strained my back and neck doing it. Now I have to lie down on my back because it's too painful to move. FML

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By supergirl7 - United States

Today, I discovered I can properly operate the television remote with my feet. I then realized that it is pretty much my only talent. FML

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By Liisaz34 - 18/4/2021 00:30

Sounds fishy

Today, my boyfriend is spending a lot of time hyping up his female best friend who is participating in a modeling competition, trying to get her to win. When I asked this guy to help support my small business, he said he, “didn’t have time” to. FML

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By sa la vash - Netherlands

Today, what my friends call my "resting bitch face" freaked my boyfriend out enough during sex that he went soft inside me. FML

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By ForgottenKid - United States

Today, I saw my grandmother. All of my cousins and I went to say "hi" to her, one by one. When I got up to her and said, "Hi grandma!", she said in Chinese, "I don't remember this one." FML

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By Bilirubin - United States

Today, at 1am, the girl of my dreams that I've been trying for over three years to date, finally asked me out via SMS. Too bad I was asleep at the time. She now thinks I've rejected her, and will no longer speak to me. FML

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By me - United States

Today, my friend and I gave our numbers to some guys at a bar. Twenty minutes after we had left, we got a call. We excitedly answered the phone, only to hear the guy ask, "So are you the fat one or the ugly one?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, somebody ordered pizza and sent it to the house across the street from them, so they could shoot at the pizza guy with an air-soft gun from the upstairs of their house. I was that delivery guy. FML

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By Kingofbosses - United States

Today, I moved into my university dorm a week before classes start. Everyone kept giving me weird looks as they watched me move my stuff in. Finally, one of my dorm mates asked me if I knew that school had actually started last week. I didn't. FML

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By nikto

Today, I went speed dating. I arrived at my first date and she looked me up and down and said, "Oh, that's awkward." FML

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By pooped - China

Today, I was walking to find a public toilet in a Chinese village. While looking for the women's restroom, I stepped on a thin sheet of plastic. I fell into the toilet's waste collection area and found myself knee-deep in the villagers' faeces. FML

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Top comments

By Starcatch77 | 20

#4683993 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:00

You know what they say...The apple doesn't fall far from the tree...

...Or the window.

By yuggi1 | 11

#4684016 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:02

It's cause those damn ice cream trucks are there one second and gone the next. Every millisecond counts.

COMMENTS

By Starcatch77 | 20

#4683993 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:00

You know what they say...The apple doesn't fall far from the tree...

...Or the window.

chilearmy123 | 4

#4684118 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:08

Could everyone dislike my comment? Im goin for a record

keven501 | 12

#4684136 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:18

You have to take risks to get your ice cream

chilearmy123 | 4

#4684148 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:11

Could everyone dislike my comment? Goin for a record!

tjv3 | 10

#4684217 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:27

Your kid is an idiot op. did you not teach him what is and isn't a good idea

baconftw | 9

#4684364 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:39

Your son kinda deserved it.

ryry013 | 6

#4684411 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:58

Did he get the ice cream!?!

efemel94 | 7

#4684460 - Saturday 14 July 2012 3:14

Pain is temporary. Ice cream is eternal.

naughtia | 14

#4684559 - Saturday 14 July 2012 3:40

At least you're in Canada and don't have to pay any hospital bills!

Briiyahh | 7

#4684676 - Saturday 14 July 2012 4:05

Y did u get thumbed down...? He is stupid don't deny it even at 8 you should know better

CoconutOil | 7

#4684724 - Saturday 14 July 2012 4:26

Not just that, you probably don't have to worry about 7 FBI agents coming to your house and falsely accusing you for child abuse!

chyeneee | 3

#4684794 - Saturday 14 July 2012 4:49

Well at least he's got his priorities straight

XmoulcraftX | 6

#4684860 - Saturday 14 July 2012 5:14

Prick >.>

iSeeSarcasm | 3

#4684879 - Saturday 14 July 2012 5:22

36- the ice cream was a good idea at the time.

saxetsasnak | 5

#4684933 - Saturday 14 July 2012 5:38

THAT'S what he would do for a Klondike bar

truth_spitta | 0

#4685562 - Saturday 14 July 2012 7:55

Ok, am I the only one that thinks the kids a freakin boss?

nutcrackers | 2

#4685831 - Saturday 14 July 2012 9:55

Time to teach your son some patience

anythingmustbe | 18

#4685932 - Saturday 14 July 2012 11:05

True to the saying I scream for ice-cream

jerrylee123 | 8

#4686347 - Saturday 14 July 2012 14:25

Uh, the FBI don't handle individual child abuse cases. They deal with FEDERAL crimes.

iTz_x_BurneddPs3 | 0

#4687673 - Saturday 14 July 2012 22:08

I guess he screamed for ice cream..

nado13579 | 12

#4688136 - Sunday 15 July 2012 2:36

The sad thing is I think most of us here on FML would probably do the same thing.

False_Stupidity | 41

#4689611 - Sunday 15 July 2012 12:04

The OP's kid is silly.
Now if it had been a bacon truck, I would understand and approve of such extreme measures, but Ice-cream just isn't as worth it...

By mrsmathers17531 | 5

#4683995 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:00

LOL aw:(

alexup24 | 13

#4684238 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:31

2- You're way too fucking deep

alexup24 | 13

#4684265 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:30

2- You're way too fucking deep...

unhappybitch | 8

#4684655 - Saturday 14 July 2012 4:01

#39 your picture with your comment made me laugh.

klx125cross | 9

#4872116 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 3:37

Obviously she's mixed up...,her profile says shes a mister...,just saying..

By yuggi1 | 11

#4684016 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:02

It's cause those damn ice cream trucks are there one second and gone the next. Every millisecond counts.

Dr0reos | 8

#4684466 - Saturday 14 July 2012 3:17

Well that's what happens when the ice cream man puts meth in the Popsicles.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4685063 - Saturday 14 July 2012 5:57

Here in NYC they remain in one spot for a long time with that annoying melody.

RealReasons | 0

#4685205 - Saturday 14 July 2012 6:16

This kid better have got his ice cream. Damn windows trying to tell him what to do...

MysteriousX_fml | 10

#4860554 - Sunday 26 August 2012 0:48

Well, did he get his ice cream? Important details...

scapachini1 | 10

#6036325 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 13:40

#188 i'm so sorry for your childhood

By AdrianneLily | 9

#4684024 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:04

Aww

alexup24 | 13

#4684263 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:34

3- The amount of intellect you put into your comment is astonishing

By person961 | 9

#4684025 - Saturday 14 July 2012 2:02

Kids get crazier and crazier for the ice cream trucks, I though chasing it was still in. I guess a well timed jump will put you straight through the roof to the ice cream.