Money: Today, I spent 3 hours trying to close a simple $400 deal with... - FML

By canabana - Canada

Today, I spent 3 hours trying to close a simple $400 deal with a homeowner. He spent 3 hours telling me about his life story including his marital problems, his philosophical views of the world, AND he read me 20 pages of haiku poems. Only 3 hours later did he tell me he couldn't accept my deal. FML

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Triage

And today, on Dr Phil…

Mystery

By dsbass09 - United States

Today, after 8 years in exceptionally difficult veterinarian classes which put me $200,000 in debt, and 7 months of job searching, I finally got a job. I will be inspecting feces for worms while making minimum wage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing my bass clarinet around the house. I asked my dad if he would be at my concert on December 16th. His response was, "No, I'm working that day." My dad is a plumber, and gets called to work completely at random; he has no schedule. FML

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By theRoomie - United States

Today, my loser roommate got wasted. He comes to me before going to bed, tells me he loves me, tries to hug me, then explosively vomits all over my face, my hair, my clothes. Then spends the rest of the night retching. FML

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By hair2daygone4ever - United States

Today, my four-year-old daughter thought it'd be funny to cut my hair while I was sleeping. FML

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By Hungry - Australia - Brisbane

Cheat day

Today, I conveniently "forgot" to write down a bunch of stuff, including a huge kebab, in my Weight Watchers food journal. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on the subway, a little tipsy, I sat down next to a guy I thought was cute, hoping to enjoy some harmless flirting. I said, "Hello." He said, "May I ask you a question?" I said, "Sure." He said, "Can you please move away from me?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was reading in my apartment. Due to a heatwave and my lack of AC, I was completely naked. My cat jumped onto my lap, and as her claws dug into my stomach, I recoiled. This caused her to retreat, clawing at my nether regions in the process. My pussy mauled my pussy. FML

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By ijustwannaplaymymusic - United States - Jackson

Today, I was practicing the piano. My brother told me that if I loved him, I would stop. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while playing badminton, I was so distracted by my ex winking at me that I didn't notice the shuttle cock that hit me in the eye. FML

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By PositiveElectron - United States - Glen Allen

Today, my mom decided to show me her new rape whistle. She kept blowing it every couple of minutes while we were stuck in traffic. FML

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By aaah. - Canada - Caronport

Today, I had to take Viagra. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 14:01 - Germany

The smell detective is on the case

Today, something smelled absolutely disgusting in the bathroom. Like cow shit and stinky beetles. I started sniffing around, because whatever it was, I had to find it and clean it up. That, however, proved difficult, because it turned out that smell was coming from the new soap my mom had bought. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Port Townsend

Today, my 27 year old boyfriend chose playing with Lego over making sweet love to me. FML

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By auntoftheyear - United States

Today, I saw my brother's pregnant girlfriend smoking. Disgusted, I asked him why he didn't just stab her in the uterus and get it over with. He laughed like it was a joke, then cussed because he spilled his cereal. He's more concerned about spilled cereal than having a brain-damaged child. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to break up a fistfight between my wife and mother. Apparently, my mom heard that I finally got the great paying job of my dreams, and told my wife I'd finally kick her "useless ass to the curb." We have to spend the holidays together. FML

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By gonavybeatarmy - United States - San Diego

Today, I almost got kidnapped. Again. FML

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By Painful - United States

Today, I was sitting around a bonfire when an ember landed on my crotch. Without thinking, I quickly slapped at it and hit myself square in the nuts. FML

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By anonymous

Today, I got a call from my five-year-old son's principal, my son had pooped in the school yard then gave the teacher a ziploc bag and commanded her to pick it up. He said he was trying to imitate our dog. FML

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By SpitBreathe - 25/10/2020 14:00 - Iran Islamic Republic of

Drink it instead!

Today, I found out why the amount of mouthwash hasn't been decreasing much recently when I walked in on my dad using it and then spitting some of it back in the bottle. FML

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By homewrecker - United States

Today, I woke up from a night of crazy drunken sex with a guy I had met at a friends 23rd birthday party. The lights had been off when we had stumbled in to his house the night before. When I opened my eyes today, the first thing I saw was his family picture, complete with his wife and son. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2020 02:02 - Singapore - Singapore

Ripped off

Today, I rented a house for 5 years with my girlfriend, only to find out she is the actual owner. FML

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By Rawr - Switzerland

Today, my grandmother told me she would pay for me to get a nose job. I never thought there was a problem with my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2020 17:00

Bird's eye view

Today, I found out that my shower area is in direct view from my neighbours' balcony. I realised this when I caught my neighbour and his wife watching me while I was getting dressed. I've been living here for 7 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was fired from the trucking company I work for, due to numerous complaints about my reckless driving. I don't even do driving work there, but my ex keeps calling in to report me, and my boss wanted the calls to stop. FML

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By ailat0107 - United States

Today, two of my girlfriends and I went to a bar. The only action any of us got was a 50 year old man who came up and handed us "An origami vagina for the pretty ladies." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Blair

Today, I found out that the only reason I'm alive is because my dad beat the living shit out of my mom to stop her getting an abortion. FML

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By Anonymous - Austria

Today, I was outside searching for "treasures" with my son using small plastic shovels. All of a sudden he starts screaming. He dug up the bones of our old dog. I told him that we had sent him away to live on a farm, I even helped my son write letters to the farm owners. FML

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By ohdang - United States

Today, my therapist clapped for me when I told her I'd made a friend. FML

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By sothatsano - United States - Spokane

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. At the right moment, I got down on one knee. As I was reaching into my pocket to get the ring, she got so freaked out she kicked me in the face. I chipped a tooth and the ring flew off, and now I can't find it. FML

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By lawdy

Today, I told my daughter that she's going to be a big sister, because there is a baby growing in my tummy. She's been sobbing because I can't convince her that I didn't eat a baby. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom tried to get me to shoplift. From the dollar store. FML

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By worksucker - United States

Today, 30 minutes before I was supposed to quit work at 6pm, my boss showed up. After telling him how the day went, he asked why I was still there. Apparently, for the holiday, we close early. 4 hours earlier. FML

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By GonnaBeLonley2night - United States

Today, my husband won't talk to me because he got mad when I asked him what he thought about 'that lame performance last night'. He doesn't believe that I really was talking about football. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while e-mailing my dream college, I noticed you can see other people's profile pictures when I saw a lady I've met before. I've been using this e-mail account to communicate with all the colleges and universities. My profile picture is baby Elmo. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was taking the subway to work when I saw a really hot girl. Noticing that she, like me, had a Dunkin' Donuts coffee, I tried to start a conversation by saying, "Is that Double Ds you have there?" She didn't pick up that I was talking about the coffee. FML

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By PictureLess - United States

Today, I got home from a family trip to Disney World. I had taken nearly 300 photos of our trip on my new digital camera. As our car pulled into the driveway, I was using my camera to try to delete one unflattering shot of me. I accidentally deleted every picture off the memory card. FML

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By ctmoto77 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I arrived at work to find out someone had signed me up to a dating site. Apparently, my inability to speak to women has reached "boss level". Quite literally, as my boss was the one who signed me up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Redding

Today, I found out that someone I once babysat got a girlfriend before I did. FML

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By feminist - Canada

Today, I got into a heated argument at a restaurant with a guy I am seeing because he refused to let me pay for the bill and I thought it was sexist. When he finally agreed, I gave the waiter my card, only to have him return a minute later telling me it was declined. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I baked a chicken pot pie in the oven. I pulled it out, and noticed a big piece of tasty-looking, flaky pastry had come loose. Without thinking I ripped it off and popped it into my mouth. I HEARD the skin on the inside of my cheeks burn. FML

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Top comments

By John_Failer | 0

#102739 - Saturday 11 April 2009 20:17

"All these dumb haikus.
Would you just accept my deal?
Oh hell, fuck my life."

By Chunchunchun | 3

#685491 - Monday 23 November 2009 23:06

Your haiku comment
Made me nod approvingly
Well done to you sir.

COMMENTS

By fatalscape | 0

#102614 - Saturday 11 April 2009 19:54

LOL. wow. people like that are annoying as hell. when you think youre building a rapport with your customers they just let you know they were wasting time that you cant get back. i couldnt count the hours of my life i wish i could get back due to people like them.

facebookthis.mybrute.com

By lame16 | 0

#102639 - Saturday 11 April 2009 20:01

..that sucks..

By serious1y | 0

#102671 - Saturday 11 April 2009 20:04

sucks

By p89hg69 | 0

#102681 - Saturday 11 April 2009 20:17

guess he's pretty lonely

By Cluztycutie0728 | 0

#102684 - Saturday 11 April 2009 20:01

Haha!! FIRST!

I WOULD KICK THAT GUYS ASS!!! You must have a ton a pateints

By basketballbabee | 0

#102688 - Saturday 11 April 2009 20:01

Ouch, man that sucks!

By John_Failer | 0

#102739 - Saturday 11 April 2009 20:17

"All these dumb haikus.
Would you just accept my deal?
Oh hell, fuck my life."

Reply

Chunchunchun | 3

#685491 - Monday 23 November 2009 23:06

Your haiku comment
Made me nod approvingly
Well done to you sir.

By Callyn | 47

#102741 - Saturday 11 April 2009 20:18

That blows. You should've refused to talk about anything but business.

By John_Failer | 0

#102751 - Saturday 11 April 2009 20:20

"all these dumb stories.
would you just accept my deal?
You douche. Fuck my life."

By ohshitcock | 0

#102759 - Saturday 11 April 2009 20:24

I hate sad and lonely people who need to tell you all of their life problems right after first meeting them. I'm a bartender and those kinds of patrons are the worst tippers.