Today, I showed my son the old trick of turning a calculator upside down and spelling "BOOBIES" on it in numbers. He laughed, then spent nearly 20 minutes trying to spell "COCKS", before giving up and hurling the calculator across the room. I wish my sperm had a warranty. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, my son said his first word. Unfortunately, that word was "cock." I've tried convincing myself that he's trying to say "clock" but I just can't do it. FML
Today, after explaining to my two year old that we were going bra shopping, he decided to announce to the entire bank that we were going to buy Mommy some boobies. FML
Today, in the middle of the supermarket, my 7 year old son asked me what a cocksucker is and why his mum always calls me that. FML
Today, my 12-year-old son played QWOP on my laptop. Half an hour later, he virtually destroyed it in a fit of rage. FML
Today, I came home to find my 25 year old boyfriend laughing hysterically at his laptop while he made Microsoft Sam say "feces", "penis", and "diarrhea". FML
Today, I took my 4 year-old son to the bank with me. He asked why we were going, and I explained that I had a couple of checks that they would turn into money. When we got in line, he loudly exclaimed, "Mommy has checks for money!" Except "checks" sounded almost exactly like "sex." FML
Today, I was making egg salad for the week's lunches and told my son to come help. When we started peeling the eggs, he thought it was funny to roll them off the counter and ruin them. I shouted at him for being disrespectful and wasteful, and my wife screamed at me that, "He's just a little boy!" FML
Today, I let my daughter bake a cake for her brother's fifth birthday party. She showed up later with a cake in the shape of a cock and balls. Apparently it's okay, though, because "I frosted it to look like a rocket, hehehe!" I can't believe my balls spawned this moron. FML
Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his penis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML
Today, I sat my son down for the sex talk. By the time it was over, he'd corrected me on several factual errors and told me what felching is. Now I remember why I never wanted kids. FML
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Top comments
marcmaralou 15
once you get older, scientific and graphing calculators don't allow you to do this :(
colton_colton 50
He's the future of this world
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Comments (61)
feven 32
You're a great dad.
Hash13 13
Weren't you showing him how to spell boobies ?
jkp1291 25
The ending to this FML was perfect
mosquito19 14
no, your sperm was expired when you make your son.
granCanyon 12
Only dummies need to be taught everything. Some things are just obvious to anyone who has a brain.
thatcoolguy123 14
oh, idiots... how old is he?
DarkWolf420 1
You seriously want to trade your son in because he's gay? Go play in traffic, asshole.
failedgamer01 20
Haha! I actually had a calculator that had a keyboard (it was one of those fancy science ones) and me and my friends used to type and show each other funny things in math class.
riptor911 10
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theLonelyInn 5
Is that supposed to say ****
japtap81 16
Yes it says ****
LaurenRoxsU 9
@51, I think it is supposed to. Right between the monumental fail and #30 not consulting the alphabet.
ruxtain 15
You're a cool dad, op.