Today, I let my daughter bake a cake for her brother's fifth... - FML

By Nick - 29/6/2012 21:39 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I let my daughter bake a cake for her brother's fifth birthday party. She showed up later with a cake in the shape of a cock and balls. Apparently it's okay, though, because "I frosted it to look like a rocket, hehehe!" I can't believe my balls spawned this moron. FML

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Ghosted

Banished

Assumptions

By anon - 2/1/2016 15:57 - Australia - Glenfield

Today, my boyfriend was so drunk at a New Years party that he approached me and asked me who I was. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2017 01:30

Today, my boss left early, so I decided to take an extended break and run home. I found my wife in bed with my boss. I got fired for leaving work. FML

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By nichaneely - 10/2/2010 03:32 - United States

Today, I was working when an older lady came up to buy a coffee. Her son cried for a cup of whipped cream to snack on. She shook her head, silently telling me to say no. I said we were out. The mother took her drink and said, "I'm sorry honey, but the mean man said you couldn't have any." FML

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By MessyMal - 25/12/2009 15:30 - United States

Today, my 25 year old brother ran into my room very excited at 8am. "Wake up! We got a new puppy!" he told me. I was so excited so I jumped out of my warm bed. When I asked him if he was serious he said "No, but we have to go to church, so get dressed." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 15:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I got fined when my fat dog decided to walk across a private film set to get at the catering area. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2016 19:43 - United States

Today, I was sitting in the living room with my husband when we heard a baby coo. This would have been adorable, if we had a baby. FML

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By guiltyschuldig49 - 25/4/2020 23:00

Boozehound alert

Today, I'm exhausted. For the second time, my fiancé and I have pulled my future sister-in-law off the pavement naked and drunk at 3 a.m. and couldn't find the purse or glasses she had with her. She’s hungover and has completely blacked out what happened. Never again giving her a place to crash. FML

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By Walmart Associate - 27/8/2018 03:30

Today, I was accused of being a racist whore at work. I had asked a man if he needed help finding anything, as that is part of my job. FML

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By not what she said - 1/6/2020 20:00

Misheard

Today, I was on a Zoom call. My sister offered to go get lunch and I told her, "Don’t forget the baguettes." One overly sensitive coworker swears I used a derogatory slur that sounds the same. I didn’t. However, I’m still going to be investigated by my boss. FML

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By Sam - 24/6/2011 04:46 - Canada

Today, I was working the drive-thru at McDonalds, and as I handed out a Diet coke to the customer, the man started growling and yelled "HULK SMASH!" He smashed the cup with two fists and drove off. I was drenched in soda. FML

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By scarred for life - 28/5/2016 05:23 - United States - Carmel

Today, I realized my recent weight loss probably wasn't caused by working out and eating more healthily. It was from the tapeworm I discovered hanging out my ass after I took a crap. I had to pull it out with my bare hands. FML

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By Liah12 - 5/3/2016 13:52 - United States - Holt

Today, my family picked a place for my birthday dinner. They chose a seafood restaurant. I'm allergic. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2010 23:41 - United States

Today, I was riding the public bus and a really fat, smelly guy sat next to me. He put his arm around my shoulder and asked me if I was single. My stop wasn't for three more miles. FML

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By Anonymouse - 7/11/2015 02:03

Today, I was in bed with the stomach flu. My boyfriend thought it would be funny to fart in the fan next to our bed, which caused me to vomit all over myself. FML

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By ilovemypup - 31/10/2016 11:20

Today, while at my job in a candy store, a boy stuck his hand into the bin, contaminating the candy. As I politely explained that the dad had to purchase the affected candy he refused, yelled, then angrily agreed to buy them. The total cost of the candy with the extra pieces? $1.69. FML

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By DarkPhoenix - 4/12/2008 11:16 - France

Today, I'm heading towards my car clutching a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend, when along comes a sweet old lady who says: "it's not flowers she wants, it's some lovin'!". The elderly sure aren't what they used to be. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2013 22:00 - United States

Today, I got to drive my mom's car. I'd recently watched the new Fast and Furious movie, I thought it'd be fun to drift around a few corners. I ended up smashing straight into someone's front yard. FML

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By eightleggedtictac - 8/6/2014 15:10 - United States - Worcester

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend shrieking at the top of his lungs. I ran into the dining room where he was, to find him standing on the table screaming "Kill it!" while pointing at an unmoving spider the size of a Tic Tac on the wall. FML

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By magicman - 4/7/2012 09:04 - United States

Today, while riding my bike on the sidewalk, I came across a ladder. To avoid bad luck, I swerved around it into the street. I got hit by a car. FML

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By Just an Exam - 14/12/2016 18:37 - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on his final exam. I confronted him after class by jokingly asking, "If you cheated on a test, would you cheat on me?" Turns out that yes, yes he would, and he did. FML

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By laurenmay - 6/3/2009 23:11 - United States

Today, I was working at Target when an old woman asked me if I could help her find her favorite bra. I asked what brand it was when she replied "I'll check the tag". She lifted up the front of her shirt, and flipped one cup of her bra inside out. I saw everything. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2016 13:32 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I entered a raffle at a local fashion designer event; the prize was $400 credit at the store that was hosting it (which was just enough for one of their dresses). Good news: I won! Bad news: they don't carry a single thing above a women's size 5. I'm 6'2" and 180 lbs. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2009 00:17 - United States

Today, while at my parent's house I decided to take a shower. I had to use my sister's bathroom and once out, grabbed a comb from her cupboard to brush my hair. I then noticed the clumps of hair on my shoulders. It's a razor comb on one side, regular on the other. I used the wrong side. FML

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By jbhadafuckedupday - 15/3/2018 01:30

Today, my 3-year-old came to me very excited because he had gone to the bathroom by himself for the first time. What he did not tell me was that he had shit on the floor, and when I went into the bathroom to check, I slipped on a turd and knocked myself out on the sink. FML

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By yeah why not - 6/4/2013 17:06 - Norway

Today, my dad had a little too much to drink. When he's that drunk, he likes to pepper me with a lot of random questions. He asked if I've ever tried hard drugs, and if I want to die. I answered no to both of the questions, and he demanded to know why not. FML

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By Davey Crocker - 23/4/2020 08:00

Stay safe, wear a hazmat suit

Today, my coworker volunteered me to drop laptops off at two sites outside our normal areas. I asked if they were safe from COVID-19. "I don't know, but you're young. You'll be okay," responded the man who's been working from home for weeks. FML

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By dude - 24/3/2009 20:52 - United States

Today, I was walking downtown when a bum approached me for some change. I planned to give a couple dollars but after pulling out my wallet exposing my cash, the bum beat me unconscious. The bum is a 5'0" tall woman; I'm a 6'2" male out $200. FML

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By Henry - 11/11/2011 22:29 - Norway

Today, my girlfriend agreed to doing it doggy style. During it all, I pulled on her hair. I guess I pulled too hard, because when I let go, her face smacked straight into the bedside table. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2014 15:28 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I almost got written up for insubordination by my boss. All I did was explain to him that I couldn't help a tourist out because I speak Japanese, not Korean, and that it's not in fact "the same Asian shit" as he seemed to think. FML

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By undoable - 8/9/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, I was doing it with my girlfriend. Trying to be sexy, I moaned her name. She replied, "What?" FML

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By justmylife - 21/8/2010 04:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years called my house even though I was with him at the time. He needed to talk to my mom. He asked her to break up with me for him. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2019 04:00

Today, I returned from vacation overseas to find I'd lost my job. The manager approved my leave, but forgot to put it in the system, so I was written up repeatedly for not showing up. If I want my job back, I have to wait 90 days and apply to start over. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2010 21:08 - United States

Today, I had to admit to everyone, including my cable guy, that I'm moving back in with my parents. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2013 14:29 - United States - Greenwood

Today, I went to the local pharmacy to buy some condoms. When I went to go purchase them, the elderly lady behind the counter took one look at me and said, "Honey, you're your own birth control." FML

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By pubes - 18/3/2010 01:55 - United States

Today, I came back to my room and sat down at my desk to find pile short, curly hairs on it. Neither me or my roommate have curly hair, and it isn't mine. I think he trimmed his pubes over my desk and forgot to clean it up. FML

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By fatty - 7/6/2009 02:14 - United States

Today, my friend was complaining about how fat she was. To make her feel better I said, "Psh, you're not fat! In fact we're about the same weight!" She looked at me for a second, then burst into tears sobbing, "I'm fat! I'm fat!" FML

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By anon - 20/11/2015 00:53 - New Zealand

Today, I found my expensive lingerie I thought I had lost. In my 15-year-old brother's room. FML

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By snickerdoodles - 10/2/2010 21:19 - United States

Today, I was in class and noticed that it smelled strongly of cat urine. I smelled my shoulder and realized that my cat had peed on my sweater. I had six hours of classes left, and the smell had permeated my shirt. FML

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By feminist - 17/6/2009 15:25 - Canada

Today, I got into a heated argument at a restaurant with a guy I am seeing because he refused to let me pay for the bill and I thought it was sexist. When he finally agreed, I gave the waiter my card, only to have him return a minute later telling me it was declined. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2014 21:54 - United States - Conway

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for jokingly telling her to get back in the kitchen. After we finally made peace and I told her that I fully respect women, I turned on my stereo. The song's first words? "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." Cue second argument. FML

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Top comments

By lakerfan8224 | 17

#4631614 - Saturday 30 June 2012 2:38

That's going in your son's suppressed memory

By Skittles_Rawr | 8

#4631655 - Saturday 30 June 2012 2:45

You raised her... Don't blame your balls.

COMMENTS

By lakerfan8224 | 17

#4631614 - Saturday 30 June 2012 2:38

That's going in your son's suppressed memory

Reply

blcksocks | 19

#4631663 - Saturday 30 June 2012 2:46

I doubt if a 5 yr old would really be able to make out what it is. At that age all they think is "ummmm CAKE!!!!"

Reply

xoconnie | 8

#4631798 - Saturday 30 June 2012 3:12

Yea man u gotta be careful with those subliminal messages.

how old is your daughter btw?! because that's just plain weird.

Reply

swankmrpancake | 8

#4631835 - Saturday 30 June 2012 3:23

He probably won't even remember it.

Reply

truthbringer007 | 6

#4631991 - Saturday 30 June 2012 4:10

Pictures... Even if he doesn't remember, there are always pictures. One day he's going to look at them and say, "Wait a minute..." ha ha ha

Reply

Daftendirekt1 | 0

#4634122 - Saturday 30 June 2012 14:47

Wonder what happened when he 'blew' out the candles... ;)

Reply

GroovyGravy | 7

#4639348 - Monday 2 July 2012 2:12

129- bless you

By BubbleGrunge | 18

#4631626 - Saturday 30 June 2012 2:40

Instead of putting down your child, be glad your decorating skills are top notch! :)

Reply

TrollingP | 4

#4631645 - Saturday 30 June 2012 2:44

Or do you mean...Top Crotch? *Bdmm Tss*

Reply

PerfasarusRex | 3

#4631793 - Saturday 30 June 2012 3:12

At least she has a secure future in making cakes for bachelorette parties. Screw college.

Reply

CaramelMacchiato | 13

#4632074 - Saturday 30 June 2012 4:36

Why would OP write that about their own daughter? She's not a moron, she's innocent and didn't know any better.

Reply

LightningCactus | 12

#4632154 - Saturday 30 June 2012 5:10

I think she's a tad older than her brother.

Reply

relaxedninja | 18

#4632261 - Saturday 30 June 2012 6:17

She is probably old enough to know better...

Reply

Incogneterpeter | 1

#4632731 - Saturday 30 June 2012 7:47

69 if she made the comment, it's ok though I iced it to look like a rocket ship, then she knew exactly what she was doing and is pretty perverted to do that for a 5 year olds birthday party.....

Reply

mduffy08 | 8

#4637185 - Sunday 1 July 2012 6:53

69- She made a penis cake for a bunch of five ear olds. Not innocent. Then she ICED it to make it look like a rocket. Not smart.

By TriflingAllDay | 6

#4631627 - Saturday 30 June 2012 2:41

Pride in your kin, this world is the best.

By jackii1313 | 9

#4631634 - Saturday 30 June 2012 2:41

Hahaha. They both go up!

Reply

ebonyirony | 29

#4632095 - Saturday 30 June 2012 4:42

Hey you gotta use the cock shaped cutter somehow.

Reply

doctorhook86 | 24

#4636474 - Sunday 1 July 2012 2:43

70: I saw your comment and discovered how uncomfortable I am with the words "cock" and "cutter" in the same sentence...

By tazeegirl | 5

#4631639 - Saturday 30 June 2012 2:43

Wonder how many party people noticed.
"is that what I think it is?!" 0,0

Reply

shybear15 | 0

#4631726 - Saturday 30 June 2012 2:58

Lol I know I would, me and my sister made one for my mom once... Her face=Priceless

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#4632006 - Saturday 30 June 2012 4:16

Well the dad noticed, so it wasn't too subtle.

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#4632138 - Saturday 30 June 2012 4:58

Why would you make a cake like that? It seems just weird. But I'm not really that immature so that could be why.

Reply

LO388 | 7

#4634179 - Saturday 30 June 2012 15:07

As a fan of classic hip hop, I love that you said "party people".

By French_Toast_fml | 3

#4631647 - Saturday 30 June 2012 2:44

Sounds like a cock-and-ball story.

By badjojo49 | 0

#4631652 - Saturday 30 June 2012 2:44

Ding ding ding! We have a winner! Lol

Reply

devilcb | 5

#4631777 - Saturday 30 June 2012 3:08

No we have a weiner

Reply

hecallsmedarlin | 7

#4631827 - Saturday 30 June 2012 3:19

Damn. ^ Beat me to it..

Reply

irishboii957 | 2

#4633081 - Saturday 30 June 2012 10:06

Many guys beat it

By Skittles_Rawr | 8

#4631655 - Saturday 30 June 2012 2:45

You raised her... Don't blame your balls.

Reply

reallytho3 | 11

#4631818 - Saturday 30 June 2012 3:18

The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree..

Reply

Mr_Krabs | 5

#4631882 - Saturday 30 June 2012 3:36

35 - Unless it was ran over by a landmower...

Reply

reallytho3 | 11

#4631915 - Saturday 30 June 2012 3:46

I'm sure some of the remains stayed close lol

Reply

GovernorGeneral | 8

#4632008 - Saturday 30 June 2012 4:17

I was run over by a lawn mower once...

Reply

reallytho3 | 11

#4632023 - Saturday 30 June 2012 4:21

I don't want to sound like a dick.. But were you still near the tree?

Reply

beclaurela | 16

#4632911 - Saturday 30 June 2012 8:34

Not necessarily. Her mom could've raised her because her mom and dad split.

Reply

l23VIVE | 17

#4634705 - Saturday 30 June 2012 17:19

Way to ruin it.... We were having fun with metaphors and you had to be logical...

Reply

Pebbles89 | 9

#4650269 - Wednesday 4 July 2012 21:20

62- your comment matches your photo nicely.

Reply

LaLince | 40

#5205960 - Sunday 2 December 2012 6:40

#9: right

By KitGrey | 4

#4631657 - Saturday 30 June 2012 2:45

She should have made it into a bunny

Reply

UnknwnClassicGrl | 5

#4631825 - Saturday 30 June 2012 3:19

F.R.I.E.N.D.S The One With The Cake!

Reply

hecallsmedarlin | 7

#4631842 - Saturday 30 June 2012 3:23

...why?

Reply

UltimateGIRness | 16

#4631971 - Saturday 30 June 2012 4:04

37-that's exactly what I thought of.

Reply

Mr_Krabs | 5

#4632413 - Saturday 30 June 2012 6:36

37 - what season was that episode in?

Reply

EMTchic | 14

#4634082 - Saturday 30 June 2012 14:35

37- that is the FIRST thing that came to my mind ! lmao !

By saIty | 17

#4631669 - Saturday 30 June 2012 2:47

Well you can't help which sperm gets first place.

Reply

Tylerdre | 6

#4631863 - Saturday 30 June 2012 3:30

25- challenge accepted.

Reply

BrysGirl27 | 14

#4634620 - Saturday 30 June 2012 17:03

Hahaha your username is my nickname:p

Reply

doctorhook86 | 24

#4636487 - Sunday 1 July 2012 2:45

131: If your nickname is "salty", dare I ask who tasted you?

Reply

BrysGirl27 | 14

#4637229 - Sunday 1 July 2012 7:09

Hahah well...:p jk it's the beginning of my last name

Reply

GroovyGravy | 7

#4639356 - Monday 2 July 2012 2:15

131- your name is salty?

Reply

BrysGirl27 | 14

#4656160 - Friday 6 July 2012 5:58

My last name is Salty_ _ _ :) haha it's Filipino