By Anonymous - 3/10/2020 02:01

Unmissable

Today, I returned to work after testing out my theory yesterday that absolutely nobody would notice or care if I just did not show up. So far so good. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Walk on the wild side

Grow up

By dammit - United States

Today, my nap was cut short by three bricks flying through my window. FML

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By teach - Canada

Today, at the elementary school where I teach, the kids all voted for their favorite teacher. I was the only one to receive zero votes. When I asked a small group of students why no one voted for me, one boy replied "because you're the ugliest". FML

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By Trew Love - Canada - Fort Saint John

Today, it's my birthday. I called my mom to thank her for the gift she'd sent. She was surprised and said, "Oh I thought you were waiting to open it." She ended the conversation with, "OK, I'll call you on your birthday." FML

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By Pauper - United States

Today, I talked myself out of buying $1 candle at the Dollar Tree. That's how broke I am. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided I would tell my mom I'm not going to marry my fiancé because it just didn't feel right, only to walk into my own surprise engagement party. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brockton

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about being super heroes. He said I could be "The Period" because I'm a bitch. FML

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By Igballoon2 - 23/4/2020 14:00

Get a load of this nerd!

Today, I was told that school was cancelled for the rest of the year. School is/was my one place of escape, and the only distraction in my life. It's now not going to be an escape until September. FML

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By Gee... Thanks

Today, while my orthodontist was working on my teeth, she made the comment, "Wow! It looks like a murder scene in there!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Sioux City

Today, I told my family I was divorcing my husband. My little sister asked if "we can keep him instead". FML

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By kkbb - United States

Today, I figured out it's the first time my roommate has done the dishes after living together an entire year, but I got to clean up the bubble waterfall that came pouring out of the dishwasher because she couldn't figure out where the detergent was supposed to go. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I cycled 30 minutes through hail and rain to get my pregnant girlfriend the crisps she was craving. When I made it back, she didn't want them anymore. FML

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By Brian - United States - East Wenatchee

Today, while I was cuddling with my girlfriend, she looked at me and leaned in. Thinking she was going to kiss me, I leaned too. Just as we were about to kiss, she screamed "COW KISSES" and somehow managed to lick my eyeball. FML

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By zoomzoom - 10/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Letting it all hang out

Today, I had to send out yet another email reminding families that everyone must be fully dressed while in view of the screen. This includes the student, any other children and the adults in the home. I teach first grade. It’s almost a weekly occurrence to have to send these. FML

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By ieatoreos

Today, an aunt that I'd had a massive falling out with passed away. My entire extended family refuses to speak to me, because they think I "had something to do with it". I live several hundred miles from her. FML

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By painful - Norway

Today, I was stuck in the car with my grandma for an hour as she described to me how she had looked through my great grandma's poop to make sure her calcium pills were being digested. FML

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By ashily24

Today, I went and had my first ultrasound done. My husband said he had a meeting at work, and couldn't come. As I was leaving, I saw him at the doctor's office with another heavily pregnant woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2020 02:01

Thanks for the support

Today, I revealed to my parents that I'm planning on opening a food truck in the next few months. They both laughed in my face and said I'll never make any money. I've been working on this for 3 years. FML

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By Username - Australia

Today, my Facebook was hacked. The hacker messaged all my online friends, explaining that "I" was overseas, had run out of money and needed help. Not one person cared enough to respond. I guess the hacker picked the wrong target. FML

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By Brooklyn - United States - Newport

Today, I enjoyed a lovely family dinner, but my irritating grandma kept trying to buy my purse off me, and kept picking it up to look at it. When I got home I realized all my cash and cigarettes were gone. FML

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By Pip - United States

Today, my girlfriend was crying. I asked her what was wrong, and she said her husband was going to divorce her for seeing me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2020 14:01 - United States

Invasion

Today, I went to clean my roof when something buzzed by my head and a sting hit my neck. It turns out there's a small nest of, like, five hornets just chilling outside of my window. I found a dead one on the desk in my bedroom. FML

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By WhyM3¿?¿

Today and so far not a good year. I'm still taking care of my mom who is sick from cancer and I seem to be the only one to help her (I'm the youngest btw). I pay the bills, clean, cook, work, bathe and feed my mother I'm exhausted I'm only 18... But it's not that my sis called me SELFISH Today...FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Redlands

Today, my mother informed me that she sold my dog to pay off some bills. FML

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By julesmommy - United States

Today, my husband used our last $2000 to buy himself a motorcycle. It's supposed to "save us a lot on gas money." FML

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By bym5052 - United States

Today, I got into my first car accident. I side swiped the truck next to me merging into another lane. He was in my blind spot. It was a cop. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2021 02:01

Stalker vibes

Today, my ex-girlfriend got some new piercings and decided to show me. They are the exact same piercings that the girl I'm currently seeing has. I'm starting to think she's still keeping tabs on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spring Grove

Today, an extremely hot police officer reprimanded me. It was pretty awkward considering she stopped me because of public urination. FML

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By Unloveable - United States - Priest River

Today, my boyfriend of six years broke up with me over video chat. Two days before I was to move across the country to be with him. All of my things are already shipped. He said he thinks of me as a sister. FML

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By rapper in training - United States

Today, I was taking a dump in a public toilet, when a guy in the next stall started drunkenly rapping. He kept trying to get me to rap along with him, eventually bashing the wall and threatening to bust my face in if I didn't. I soon found out I can rap to Slob On My Knob pretty well. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out the girl I've been fooling around with for two weeks has a boyfriend, who is in jail, and is a member of the Aryan Brotherhood. FML

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By Abr829 - United States

Today, I had just finished writing an essay for English. I was proud of it and thought it was one of my best works. I decided to show it to my mom, who is an English major. She read it, turned to me and said, "You know, if you actually want to go to UCLA, you're going to need to actually try." FML

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By Lord Buttfuck IV - France

Today, my mum took away my laptop and my phone and won't let me call, text, or go out with friends for one month. Why? I left the toilet seat up. I'm writing this from a public library. FML

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By harro101 - Australia

Today, the guy I liked for years asked me out. I instantly said yes. As I was walking away, I forgot I was at the top of the stairs and fell down 20 steps. He stood at the top and laughed. FML

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By KayEffEh - Canada - Georgetown

Today, my girlfriend admitted that she "probably wasn't even sober" when I asked her out and she said yes. Our almost 2-year relationship is the longest drunken mistake ever. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lewis Center

Today, the kids I was babysitting somehow found a pair of my underwear. They asked if they could use them to go parachuting. FML

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By sting - United States - Valencia

Today, I broke a glass case containing my pet scorpions. I still can't find them. FML

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By whatthef - United States

Today, I found out that my fifty-five year old uncle had taken my phone and texted my girlfriend saying "I'm his uncle, send tit pics." She did. FML

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By Forgetful godmother

Today, I learned that my son’s godmother forgot about the baptism date and booked a family holiday to Italy. Her mother is also on the trip and she is the officiant. I gave them both the date over 6 months ago. Everything is already booked on our side for that date. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kansas City

Today, I uploaded a video to YouTube. I have around 20k subscribers, so I'm not a huge deal. I used a "fail" sound effect. I just got an email from YouTube saying that I got a copyright strike. They told me that it was the 4-second sound effect. They copyrighted 4 seconds of my video. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Hagersville

Today, I won $50 on the lottery. On the subway home, I checked my pocket to see if the money was still there. A very professional man in a suit yelled, "Hey, that's mine!" I got several dirty glares. I'm such a pathetic wimp that I gave him the money. FML

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Top comments

By DarkAngelsBlade | 25

#7942383 - Saturday 3 October 2020 9:25

Now the real test a did you get paid for it?

By snappleb7 | 12

#7942340 - Saturday 3 October 2020 3:36

Or... people gave you the benefit of the doubt

COMMENTS

By snappleb7 | 12

#7942340 - Saturday 3 October 2020 3:36

Or... people gave you the benefit of the doubt

By RichardPencil | 29

#7942341 - Saturday 3 October 2020 3:48

They probably missed you terribly and are too proud to let you know how deeply they feel for you.

By DarkAngelsBlade | 25

#7942383 - Saturday 3 October 2020 9:25

Now the real test a did you get paid for it?

By TinScarecrow | 15

#7942399 - Saturday 3 October 2020 10:37

Sounds like my dream job. People need to mind their own more often. Are you so lonely you need coworkers to acknowlege you?

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#7942463 - Saturday 3 October 2020 18:15

Sometimes being a no-call-no-show can be detrimental for others depending on the job.

By Orange_Estates | 6

#7942576 - Sunday 4 October 2020 7:43

Okay, but question in hand... did you get full pay for the week?