Kids: Today, I showed my son the old trick of turning a calculator... - FML

By 3722145 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I showed my son the old trick of turning a calculator upside down and spelling "BOOBIES" on it in numbers. He laughed, then spent nearly 20 minutes trying to spell "COCKS", before giving up and hurling the calculator across the room. I wish my sperm had a warranty. FML

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Instadrama

And today, on Dr Phil…

The road to hell…

By DeActivated - United States - West Jordan

Today, I was at dance rehearsal. As a male dancer I like to keep the fact that I dance a secret because of the stupid stereotypes male dancers have. This plan was quickly shot down when I discovered I was performing at my school. FML

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By Michelle - New Zealand

Today, I decided to quit smoking. During my lunch break, I tried to ash a KitKat bar that was in my hand after I took a bite. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my 4 year old niece asked me why I didn't have a job or wife. FML

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By Frozen Delight - United States - New York

Bewitched

Today, my husband and our 4-year-old daughter were watching My Little Pony. When her favorite character angrily screamed, "You're going to love me!", she looked at him with a perplexed look. My husband then responded, "And THAT'S how I met your mommy!" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was headed towards the unisex bathroom at physical therapy when another patient looked up at me and quickly looked away. I knew instantly and prepared for the smell, but I wasn't expecting remnants still floating in the toilet. FML

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By not eyelid - Spain - Manresa

Today, at work, I quickly bought plane tickets on an iPad. I should have taken my time doing it, because now, thanks to autocorrect, I have two tickets for a girl with the first name of Eyelid. FML

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By divorce? i think so - Canada - Markham

Today, I found my husband's journal, and along with it the real reason he took so long to show up to our wedding rehearsals last year. According to the journal, it was because he was too busy wooing a married mother of five and sticking his "slut-banger all up in that fat booty." FML

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By Elayne Warthen

Today, I found out my soon-to-be husband and father of my unborn child is already married to another man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went out drinking with my friends. At the end of the night I got a cab ride home. I must have passed out because when I woke up I wasn’t at my place, but my parent’s house, which is the address on my license…120 miles away. The fare was $220. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Arlington

Today, while I was having sex, he stopped, looked at me all seriously and said, "Permission to climax, ma'am?" FML

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By Asirual - United States

Today, while handing out business cards to promote my new dog grooming business, I stopped to talk to a potential client. She let me get all the way through my 15 minute speech, before bothering to tell me she didn't have a dog. FML

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By Mamallama

Today, I leaned down to pick up my infant son from his highchair. He reached up and grabbed the first thing available to him: my nipple. I got purple-nurpled by my baby. FML

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By thisreallysucks2 - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend to see if he wanted to finally have sex today. His response was "Can't, Platinum just came out." I didn't know what that meant so I searched "Platinum 3-22-2009" on Google. I found out he's talking about a new Pokémon game. FML

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By Aldoch

Today, my daughter was still acting out her teenage issues. This morning, when I told her to, "Have a nice day" she screamed at me, "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up to my disabled mother screaming for me. Fearing the worst, I hopped out of bed only to find that she was yelling because her cat had brought a field mouse inside as a gift. The problem? It was still alive. I had to get it from him and throw it outside. FML

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By The Horrible Older Sister - United States - Phoenix

Today, my little sister came home crying because someone had shown her a video about the Slender Man. Trying to calm her down, I explained to her that he wasn't real, just like Santa Claus. She looked up at me and said "Santa's not real?" It's been 3 hours, and she hasn't stopped crying. FML

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By Jaded618 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of eleven months broke up with me, but adamantly insisted I didn't move out of our apartment, because he can't pay the rent alone. FML

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By holyshitbatman - United States - Chicago

Today, I woke up naked next to my gay roommate after a night of drinking. Neither he nor I remember anything. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was eating with a friend while walking on the sidewalk. A couple of pigeons were bothering us so I threw a fry onto the street. As a flock of pigeons were gathering around the fry, a truck drove by. Only four survived. FML

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By Groom - France

Today, I had an important interview. On the way there, I stopped in front of a car window to look at my reflection, checking I didn't have salad stuck between my teeth. Having pulled several faces, I realised that there were two girls inside the car, cracking up with laughter. FML

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By ihatemylife - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. When I asked her why she did, she said that the psychic that she was texting (one of those 44644 numbers) said we have a 2% compatibility rating. How does that explain 4 years of happy dating? FML

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By ohgodwhy - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to cheer me up after I'd had a sleepless night. He thought it would be a good time to propose. Unfortunately, it coincided with me yawning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, at a family reunion, my grandpa loudly said that I look like "a cheap Vegas whore" because of my heavy purple eye-shadow. I could tell that a few other people agreed. I was too embarrassed to explain that the "eye-shadow" was just dark circles. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I were having sex in the shower while our 5-year old was sleeping. Apparently, she wasn't sleeping and she asked me what those loud noises were. I told her I was singing. Now I can't get her to stop "singing" in the shower. FML

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By Alyxandrea Loffer - 25/5/2020 23:00

Small town blues

Today, our town is so bored that the most entertainment we got was on the local buy and sell trade page, where someone posted that they got someone else's package in the mail, and everyone in town spent 6 hours trying to guess what was in the box. It was actually the highlight of most of our day. FML

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By tarini - Bangladesh

Today, I got an acceptance later to a great boarding school in India for my senior year of high school. I sent them a letter telling them I wouldn't go, because I just got back with my ex-boyfriend. I just got a text from my boyfriend. Guess who's my ex again? FML

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By cocokiss410 - United States

Today, while I was at work, a co-worker watched while some kid stole the radio out of my car. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Oakville

Today, I was feeling a bit insecure about my body, and I told my boyfriend I don't know how he can even stand to have sex with me. He replied, "I know, right?" FML

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By pandroida - Canada

Today, my boyfriend admitted to checking out other girls when he's with me. In his defense, "he doesn't look at their face or boobs. Just their ass." FML

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By ash - United States - Winnebago

Today, I went shopping on my only day off. The only aisle open was self-checkout. I'm a cashier. FML

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By justin_99 - Canada

Today, I was working at Tim Hortons. A lady was in line, and she couldnt make up her mind. 20 minutes later she finally decided to get something, and she reached in her pocket. I was hoping it was a tip, but she gave me a coupon for a haircut. FML

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By catt - Germany - Berlin

Today, my boyfriend tried to rid me of my hiccups. As he'd screamed at me and I'd pissed my pants, I just burst into tears. FML

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By Non-active - United States

Today, we got our progress reports. My physics teacher wrote that I don't participate in class. My mom got mad and grounded me before I could tell her that I raise my hand in class all the time but my teacher won't call on me cause he can't pronounce my name. FML

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By dontbadouche - Senegal

Today, I heard the sound of footsteps in the basement. Thinking it was burglars I grabbed a baseball bat and hurried down the stairs. I then tripped on the stairs, fell down them and smacked my head on the bat. The sound of footsteps I heard? It was my cat playing in some cardboard boxes. FML

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By stopstutteringforSiri - United States

Today, I realized I'm so socially awkward that I can't even talk to Siri without stuttering. FML

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By fuck off, eh! - Canada - Milton

Today, my hippy nutjob of a roommate threw a bitch fit at me, all because he saw me chopping down a tree in Minecraft. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Memphis

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she's been cheating on me for the past two months. Apparently she thought I'd take it well, because when I yelled at her for being a heartless bitch, she stuttered "S-sike!" and tried to play it off as a prank. She's acting like we're still dating. FML

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By sickatwokr - Australia

Today, while alone in the childcare centre I work at, one of the children farted bad enough to trigger my morning sickness. Because I was alone, I couldn't leave the room, which resulted in me throwing up into a 2-year-old-sized toilet, while 12 toddlers either watched or ran wild. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to yet again explain to the guy I live with that just because you can't see dirt, it doesn't mean it's clean. And so letting his dog lick the plates is NOT the same thing as washing up. He won't listen to me, and he uses my plates. FML

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By _kristaaxo - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my boyfriend turned out to be a moron. Although he loves anal porn, he says gay sex is revolting. His reasoning? Because guys poop out of their buttholes. Apparently women don't. FML

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Top comments

By marcmaralou | 15

#6188989 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:13

once you get older, scientific and graphing calculators don't allow you to do this :(

By colton_colton | 49

#6188991 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:13

He's the future of this world

COMMENTS

By XBurytheCastleX | 25

#6188984 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:10

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By marcmaralou | 15

#6188989 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:13

once you get older, scientific and graphing calculators don't allow you to do this :(

Reply

marcmaralou | 15

#6188999 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:17

actually, I take that back, you can literally type boobies on a graphing calculator

Reply

derp_taco | 22

#6189005 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:22

Yay

Reply

DraconicFeline | 31

#6189033 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:48

Yeah, but where's the fun in that?

Reply

lkreykes | 14

#6189280 - Sunday 1 February 2015 6:34

yeah upside down boobies are the best

Reply

TigranPetrosian | 8

#6190933 - Tuesday 3 February 2015 5:43

you can use hexadecimal

Reply

AzrielB | 8

#7415245 - Thursday 23 February 2017 13:53

Most graphing calculators have a letter mode which allows you to write whatever your heart desires. OP should just get their son a Ti-83

By colton_colton | 49

#6188991 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:13

He's the future of this world

Reply

HyunnK | 18

#6189115 - Sunday 1 February 2015 2:32

Making it possible to spell COCK on a calculator upside down.

By anonpbc | 20

#6188994 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:15

next generation genius

By Driving_Gaming | 22

#6188997 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:16

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By toaster87 | 19

#6188998 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:16

Question is how old is he...?

By TrustStolen | 16

#6189001 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:19

why would you show him to spell it in the first place

Reply

Joestarry | 8

#6189575 - Sunday 1 February 2015 16:49

Because he's a good father

Reply

tzemmy | 25

#6189668 - Sunday 1 February 2015 20:00

#39 what the FUCK is your profile picture??

By tykatdesigns | 13

#6189008 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:24

Well honey you started it

By HeWillBeLoved105 | 22

#6189018 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:31

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

lolcat97 | 28

#6189058 - Sunday 1 February 2015 1:24

OP wasn't serious, parents say things like that. Mine said they would sell me online or return me to the hospital, I laughed at that. I didn't find it offensive.

Reply

SMHsohard | 22

#6189084 - Sunday 1 February 2015 1:46

Hell, I've been telling my daughter for years that the only reason I had her was to fetch and carry for me. Parents say shit like this all the time. I'm kidding, she knows I'm kidding, it's a family joke. Nothing to get butt hurt over.

Reply

HeWillBeLoved105 | 22

#6189100 - Sunday 1 February 2015 2:06

Clearly you guys can't take a joke either, because I wasn't being serious? My family would always tell me that shit.

Reply

Jinxsie | 27

#6189117 - Sunday 1 February 2015 2:33

Well, I've read your comments on almost every FML. You're not exactly one of the most supportive people on here.

Reply

shutupshane12 | 12

#6189147 - Sunday 1 February 2015 3:45

Bad attempt at recovery #19

Reply

HeWillBeLoved105 | 22

#6189151 - Sunday 1 February 2015 3:52

I'm actually pretty supportive. I just don't support morons, creeper.

Reply

SMHsohard | 22

#6189301 - Sunday 1 February 2015 7:01

Olympic Backpedal FTW 19!!

By Johnnycake23 | 42

#6189024 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:39

Maybe he was trying to type it out to start his outing to you