Today, I showed my son the old trick of turning a calculator... - FML

By 3722145 - 31/1/2015 00:51 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I showed my son the old trick of turning a calculator upside down and spelling "BOOBIES" on it in numbers. He laughed, then spent nearly 20 minutes trying to spell "COCKS", before giving up and hurling the calculator across the room. I wish my sperm had a warranty. FML

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By fappy dog - 23/1/2014 21:06 - United States - Granite City

Today, and for the past week, my dog started barking at my door when I start masturbating. I think my mom is starting to suspect. FML

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By mockable - 6/4/2012 11:09 - United States

Today, I was informed that one of my store managers does a "great" impression of me. No one will tell me what it is, but apparently it's really funny. FML

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By RawrSparkle - 21/9/2012 07:31 - United States - Davis

Today, I dropped a whole batch of penis-shaped cookies on the floor. Then I thought, "5-second rule" and started eating them. And then I realized that I was home alone, in pajamas, eating broken dick-cookies off the floor. FML

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By not sexy anymore - 28/7/2020 05:01

Get on with it!

Today, my boyfriend asked why I’ve been so grumpy lately. When I told him it’s because our relationship has been severely lacking in intimacy, he sighed heavily and said, “Ugh, fine, let’s just get it over with!” Gee, thanks babe. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 13:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me in the middle of the night and told me he got mugged and was on his way to the hospital. I told him to fuck off because that was a horrible April Fool's joke. He asked if I wanted to talk to the paramedic. I told him to stop bothering me. Turns out it was true. FML

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By Kylee Day - 27/8/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for a second time. Then when I was getting dressed with him sitting there next to me, there was a silence. He thought to fill it, he'd grab my hand and fist-bump me. FML

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By Disappointed Mom - 31/7/2016 20:31 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was supposed to be enjoying a long-anticipated, desperately needed, weekend away. Turns out those "little stomach twinges" were actually symptoms of appendicitis. I'm stuck in the hospital, alone, recovering from surgery, while my family is enjoying our non-refundable break. FML

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By Malpal - 23/1/2009 11:03 - United States

Today, I tried jumping off my bed over the footboard. I tripped and broke a full length mirror with my face. FML

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By Lex - 12/5/2009 03:13 - United States

Today, I installed high performance brakes on my car after fearing that my old brake system was to weak and I could get into a crash. On the test drive a car in front of me stopped short. My new brakes worked, the ones on the car behind me didn't. I now have whiplash and a totalled car. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2015 05:56 - Asia/Pacific Region

Today, and pretty much every day, my co-worker takes off her shoes while working. The smell of her feet makes me dizzy. I don't know if she's oblivious to the fact that her feet stink, or she just doesn't care. It's affecting the quality of my work. FML

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By pass_the_tp - 13/1/2010 02:57 - United States

Today, I was at the movie theatre. I went to the bathroom, and was about to wipe my butt when I realized that where the toilet-paper dispenser should have been, there was a large hole. The woman in the next stall waved. FML

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By Lola - 26/12/2008 06:32 - France

Today, I dressed in my sexiest clothes to meet my new boyfriend at a restaurant. As I was a bit early, I took the opportunity to smoke a cigarette outside while I waited. The restaurant owner came out and said, "Hey, you. Go and 'work' somewhere else, please." FML

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By Alex Xavier - 25/6/2018 01:30

False Advertising

Today, after getting married recently and my wife making a ton of promises about "things" we'd do, she admitted she won't do any of them and said I should just accept that she lied. FML

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By waxer150 - 22/3/2015 22:32 - United States - Ashtabula

Today, while waxing a client's chest, I forgot to have him turn his head. When I ripped the strip, I punched him in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2012 21:17 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I finally found out what the horrible smell at work was. A rat had decided to make its home in our emergency exit sign and had been fried by the electricity. I now have to fix this. Hello scorched dead rat. FML

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By workaholic - 6/3/2014 16:24 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I thought I'd finally finished the special project my boss gave me of changing the eligibility details on several hundred loans. My coworker later pointed out that the document was the same as it had been hours before, and that the changes I made hadn't saved at all. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 17:38 - Ireland

Today, I realised I spend more time and receive more satisfaction talking on the phone with Chinese take away than talking to my wife in person. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2012 10:54 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, while at a psychiatric hospital working as a student nurse, I discovered one of the patients had developed an unhealthy obsession for me. He was admitted for stalking and abusing a girl who looked just like me. It's only my first week. FML

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By GoodDog - 9/9/2009 13:21 - United States

Today, I yelled at my dog for waking me up growling and barking out the window. He was doing it at the person stealing my car. FML

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By idiot - 19/11/2016 06:48 - United States - Wausau

Today, while I was reading on my tablet, my dog wanted to be let outside, so I set down the tablet and let her outside. I returned to the living room to continue reading when I heard a crunch. The tablet had fallen to the floor and I'd stepped on it. FML

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By mickey1928 - 12/1/2010 13:10

Today, I took my wife and newborn baby girl home from the hospital. While waiting for the elevator, an elderly couple leaned over, saw our baby, and said, "Look, it's the fat kid that was in the nursery." My baby is six and a half pounds, and my wife hasn't stopped crying. FML

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By 86145 - 16/8/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, my friends were all sharing sweet things their boyfriends had shared with them. After hearing "he says I look pretty without makeup" or "he promises we'll get married one day", I realized that the only compliment he's given me is that my laughter "sounds like a squirrel having a seizure." FML

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By MBG - 5/6/2009 07:43 - Australia

Today, I had the closing shift at work in a cafe and there was a man and lady left. I made them coffee and started to close up. When the lady finished her coffee she grabbed my arm and said 'I think that man is masturbating' and leaves in a hurry. I had to wait for him to finish before closing. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2012 04:51 - United States

Today, my five-year-old told me she had accidentally swallowed a thumbtack. In panic mode we raced to the ER. With no insurance. Only after the tests, examinations and X-rays did she tell me was "just joking." FML

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By bels12 - 5/1/2010 05:15 - Australia

Today, I bought a new Siamese Fighting Fish. I was so happy with my new fish so I bought him an expensive lovely bowl, some weeds, and a toy for the bowl. I left the room to get the fish food. When I returned, the fish was gone, and the cat was sitting on the table. FML

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By Courtney - 7/11/2011 06:49 - United States

Today, I was so tired that I fell asleep on the toilet, and then had to give my boss a valid reason for why I was late. FML

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By frownyface - 14/1/2012 17:32 - United States

Today, my family and I were burning our Christmas tree. For a laugh, my dad jokingly pushed me toward the fire. I tripped, and my doctor says the burns are probably going to scar. FML

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By whoreticulturalist - 27/10/2012 19:18 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, I decided to watch some porn to cheer myself up after having recently been dumped. Halfway through wanking the gibbon, I got a horrifyingly painful cramp in my foot, and cried out in pain. Ten seconds later, with my pants still down, my dad rushed in to see if I was okay. FML

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By sad - 8/12/2009 15:11 - United States

Today, after the firetruck and EMS came to my house for an emergency, I realized that not all firefighters looked like the ones in my calendar. This depressed me more than the emergency. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2019 16:00

Today, my girlfriend told me I didn't make enough noise during sex. Then when we had sex again, I made the noises she wanted. She then broke up with me because apparently, when I came, I screamed like a girl. FML

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By fucked - 6/2/2015 08:06 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, in a desperate attempt to get fired, I sent a sexual love letter to my boss. We're going on our first date tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2009 08:18 - Australia

Today, my dad asked me to unpack the groceries he'd brought home. When he saw me come across a bottle of lube, then he told me how my mom had hit menopause and, as a result, her vaginal dryness made sex harder for the two of them. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2011 06:20 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my friend's 18th birthday. She had invited us out drinking. I've never had alcohol before and was very excited. I got a call explaining that she had invited one too many and asked me not to come. People bragging on facebook about what a great time they were having didn't help either. FML

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By Tom - 15/6/2009 10:07 - Israel

Today, I was woken up by a funky smell. My dog had eaten a dead bird and thrown up all over my bed and floor. At 4 o'clock in the morning I had to clean up regurgitated bits of bird, feathers, blood and dog food. The smell still hasn't gone away. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2009 08:39 - United States

Today, I came home and saw my girlfriend on the computer. I decided to sex things up and sneak up on her naked from behind. Apparently, she was video-chatting with her friends at the time. They saw everything. FML

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By guitar_chick7 - 20/8/2009 08:54 - Australia

Today, I said something in class and someone mimicked me. In a self-pitying mood, I exclaimed, "Everybody hates me!" The girl behind me then said, "Pretty much." FML

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By Jack - 9/8/2016 00:23 - United States - Asheville

Today, my mom said, "I'm sorry your life is such shit." She meant it as an apology. FML

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By frenchpie - 17/5/2009 12:05 - Korea Republic of

Today, the guy I liked came over for dinner with some friends. One of them asked him if we were dating, he became so distraught he started to choke on the food I had made, in his haste to tell them that in no uncertain terms, were we together. FML

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By awkword - 31/12/2014 17:47 - United States - Mckeesport

Today, I was dressing in front of my boyfriend. He was looking at me in wonder and I assumed this was a good thing. Then he muttered, "God damn, you're awkwardly shaped." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2010 11:00 - Norway

Today, I woke up with a hangover. I had a party last night. Besides a stolen TV, someone seemingly decided to take a dump in my piano. FML

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Top comments

By marcmaralou | 15

#6188989 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:13

once you get older, scientific and graphing calculators don't allow you to do this :(

By colton_colton | 49

#6188991 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:13

He's the future of this world

COMMENTS

By XBurytheCastleX | 25

#6188984 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:10

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By marcmaralou | 15

#6188989 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:13

once you get older, scientific and graphing calculators don't allow you to do this :(

Reply

marcmaralou | 15

#6188999 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:17

actually, I take that back, you can literally type boobies on a graphing calculator

Reply

derp_taco | 22

#6189005 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:22

Yay

Reply

DraconicFeline | 31

#6189033 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:48

Yeah, but where's the fun in that?

Reply

lkreykes | 14

#6189280 - Sunday 1 February 2015 6:34

yeah upside down boobies are the best

Reply

TigranPetrosian | 8

#6190933 - Tuesday 3 February 2015 5:43

you can use hexadecimal

Reply

AzrielB | 8

#7415245 - Thursday 23 February 2017 13:53

Most graphing calculators have a letter mode which allows you to write whatever your heart desires. OP should just get their son a Ti-83

By colton_colton | 49

#6188991 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:13

He's the future of this world

Reply

HyunnK | 18

#6189115 - Sunday 1 February 2015 2:32

Making it possible to spell COCK on a calculator upside down.

By anonpbc | 20

#6188994 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:15

next generation genius

By Driving_Gaming | 22

#6188997 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:16

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By toaster87 | 19

#6188998 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:16

Question is how old is he...?

By TrustStolen | 16

#6189001 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:19

why would you show him to spell it in the first place

Reply

Joestarry | 8

#6189575 - Sunday 1 February 2015 16:49

Because he's a good father

Reply

tzemmy | 25

#6189668 - Sunday 1 February 2015 20:00

#39 what the FUCK is your profile picture??

By tykatdesigns | 13

#6189008 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:24

Well honey you started it

By HeWillBeLoved105 | 22

#6189018 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:31

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

lolcat97 | 28

#6189058 - Sunday 1 February 2015 1:24

OP wasn't serious, parents say things like that. Mine said they would sell me online or return me to the hospital, I laughed at that. I didn't find it offensive.

Reply

SMHsohard | 22

#6189084 - Sunday 1 February 2015 1:46

Hell, I've been telling my daughter for years that the only reason I had her was to fetch and carry for me. Parents say shit like this all the time. I'm kidding, she knows I'm kidding, it's a family joke. Nothing to get butt hurt over.

Reply

HeWillBeLoved105 | 22

#6189100 - Sunday 1 February 2015 2:06

Clearly you guys can't take a joke either, because I wasn't being serious? My family would always tell me that shit.

Reply

Jinxsie | 27

#6189117 - Sunday 1 February 2015 2:33

Well, I've read your comments on almost every FML. You're not exactly one of the most supportive people on here.

Reply

shutupshane12 | 12

#6189147 - Sunday 1 February 2015 3:45

Bad attempt at recovery #19

Reply

HeWillBeLoved105 | 22

#6189151 - Sunday 1 February 2015 3:52

I'm actually pretty supportive. I just don't support morons, creeper.

Reply

SMHsohard | 22

#6189301 - Sunday 1 February 2015 7:01

Olympic Backpedal FTW 19!!

By Johnnycake23 | 42

#6189024 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:39

Maybe he was trying to type it out to start his outing to you