Kids: Today, I showed my son the old trick of turning a calculator... - FML

By 3722145 - 31/01/2015 00:51 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I showed my son the old trick of turning a calculator upside down and spelling "BOOBIES" on it in numbers. He laughed, then spent nearly 20 minutes trying to spell "COCKS", before giving up and hurling the calculator across the room. I wish my sperm had a warranty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 374

You deserved it 6 833

Commando

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Some winners…

Relatable reasoning

By Jake - 10/03/2021 23:00

Today, my wife told me the only reason she doesn’t want kids is because she requires privacy to poop. That’s it. That’s the dealbreaker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 841

You deserved it 214

By EmbarrassedGirlfriend101 - 17/08/2011 16:40 - United States

Today, while at my boyfriend's house, my stomach began to hurt really badly, so I excused myself to take a shit. I let it all out. Later on, his dad went to the bathroom and yelled, "Goddamn son, what the hell did you do in here?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 167

You deserved it 7 494

By Anonymous - 24/03/2019 22:00

Today, I caught a ride with a coworker in their brand new mercedes. They spent the drive passionately talking about how it made them a better driver and all the people that say otherwise are idiots. After running three stop signs and nearly sideswiped a mini-van I decided to walk the last mile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 117

You deserved it 155

By IamAflyingCat - 22/10/2013 09:12 - United States

Today, I heard crashing noises coming from my dining room. I got up to see what it was; my asshat cat was flinging himself at my chandelier. He'd figured out how to grab the ceiling fan from the other room, build momentum, and launch into my expensive chandelier. Hooray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 549

You deserved it 5 336

By justno - 03/08/2018 19:00

Today, my best friend of 10 years blocked me for no reason. When I went to her house to ask why she did it and apologize for whatever it was, she told me to kill myself and slammed the door. I still don't know what I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 035

You deserved it 307

By 11lyss1 - 23/05/2011 04:26

Today, I opened my new clothing store. My only customer was my mom and the only reason she came in was to tell me that someone stole my sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 826

You deserved it 3 540

By Anonymous - 30/10/2013 22:27 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I found out that, although I have the same job title and complete the same work as my male colleagues, I get paid 15% less, purely because I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 612

You deserved it 8 672

By religiunatic - 13/12/2013 17:09 - Canada - Keswick

Today, my normally very modest and prissy mom came home, pissed off about something. I asked her what was wrong, but she wouldn't say, and snapped at me to "fuck off". She then grounded me for "making" her use that kind of "vile language". FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 665

You deserved it 3 106

By Snowin2007 - 09/01/2010 08:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved his flaming red hair. He told me that he loved the fuzz on my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 106

You deserved it 7 496

By Anonymous - 24/06/2016 21:35 - United States - Middleboro

Today, my daughter posted a poem on Facebook about how her father and I abused her for years. It's a complete lie and an obvious attempt to impress her boyfriend, whom she thanked for "rescuing" her. I've received several hateful messages already, along with threats to report me to CPS. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 835

You deserved it 1 085

By Extravirgin - 16/12/2014 12:01 - Germany - Munich

Spicy

Today, I blew my load in less than a minute. I wasn't having sex or even making out. I was spooning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 604

You deserved it 8 240

By The_HML - 24/03/2009 02:48 - United States

Today, I was swimming in the ocean, not too far off shore. I had asked my mom to come in, but she was afraid of the water because fish had nipped at her toes or something back in the day. I told her there was nothing to fear. I ended up getting stung in the balls by a Jelly fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 897

You deserved it 11 117

By Lonely_Army - 25/05/2012 16:03 - Qatar

Today, I realised that I've been deployed for far too long, when I caught myself looking down the cleavage of a mannequin wearing a bathing suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 465

You deserved it 3 132

By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 03:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a movie where a girl proposed to a guy. He said "I would hate it if that happened to me, obviously I don't want to get married if I haven't proposed myself." I was planning on proposing later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 148

You deserved it 8 765

By IRum - 11/08/2011 08:45 - Russian Federation

Today, my three year old sister asked me to go to the amusement park with her. Since I was late for work, I politely refused and said we'd go tomorrow. She punched me in the nuts so hard that I could barely walk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 043

You deserved it 5 454

By BenFiggy - 21/04/2016 13:28 - United States - Brick

Today, while waiting in line with my 4-year-old son, I had to awkwardly apologize to an African-American gentleman and explain to my son that the man was not made out of chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 671

You deserved it 2 609

So much in common

By Anonymous - 10/07/2021 20:01 - New Zealand

Today, my old high school mates organised a dinner hangout so that my recent ex, who is part of our group, could introducing her new boyfriend to us. I was late and the only remaining seat available was next to the new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 771

You deserved it 235

By Anonymous - 01/08/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend sneaked into my room, not knowing I wasn't home. It would have been great, except my dad went in my room to put laundry away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 187

You deserved it 403

Kick the tragedy

By Anonymous - 10/07/2021 18:01

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend is pushing for sex even though I’ve just had spinal surgery, his reasoning being I only have to lie there, so it’s not like he’s asking me to move or actively participate. He basically wants me to ignore my pain and become a masturbation toy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 463

You deserved it 122

By Jess - 20/08/2019 14:00 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I called my boyfriend. He answered with, "Hey, I'll call you back when this goes to commercial." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 231

You deserved it 463

Family portrait

By a816090 - 26/09/2019 16:00

Today, my boyfriend sent a picture of me posing with our dog to his family via a group text. Along with our 25" bong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 739

You deserved it 1 230

By Noname - 19/02/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, my sister asked if she could look through my closet to find something to wear. She is 6 months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 543

You deserved it 8 823

By Socarates - 18/02/2011 21:07 - Ireland

Today, I drove over 200km from Dublin to Galway, with a broken window. It rained for most of the journey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 199

You deserved it 5 674

By BC94 - 16/07/2012 04:21 - United States - Mcminnville

Today, I went to a movie with this guy. He was late so the only seats available were the ones in the very front which he refused to sit in. As we were looking for two seats, he spotted one near the back and sat down, leaving me to sit by myself in the front. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 469

You deserved it 2 828

By animelover - 25/07/2010 23:21 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend came over while I was babysitting my little brother. He wouldn't stay in bed, so my boyfriend told him,"If you don't stay in bed, the monster will eat you!" I now have to wash my brother's bedsheets, because he was too afraid to get up and go pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 610

You deserved it 10 789

Love is…

By Anonymous - 30/09/2019 14:00

Today, I went to a job interview. At the end of it, after I had got the job, my new manager said, “See you soon.” I then accidentally replied, “You too, love you.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 367

You deserved it 363

By izzy - 07/02/2019 02:00

Today, my boyfriend left me for his sister. No, not my sister. His sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 692

You deserved it 204

Vibe check

By aussiegirl - 15/10/2020 08:02 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression after being severely bullied and harassed at my workplace. It was also today that my fiancée told me I was “creating really negative vibes.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 162

You deserved it 137

By coral - 08/07/2009 17:51 - United States

Today, I thought I was home alone so I went to take a shower and left my door open. My dog came in, stole my bra, and ran out of my bathroom. I jumped out and followed him only to find out that my brother had two of his friends over. They all saw me naked and my dog had my bra in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 536

You deserved it 12 360

By me - 13/01/2011 20:48 - United States

Today, my daughter was expelled from her school for beating another kindergartener with a Dr. Seuss book. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 144

You deserved it 7 755

By Rafiki - 22/02/2010 03:14 - United States

Today, while I was at my girlfriend's house, I picked up her cat and held him like he was baby Simba. Apparently he didn't enjoy that, because he managed to somehow leap out of my hands and attach himself to my chest, claws extended. I now have four one-inch-long gashes on my chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 255

You deserved it 31 573

By Anonymous - 15/09/2012 16:11 - United States - Olathe

Today, I was watching TV with my grandma. I said aloud, "Dang, that actor is hot." My grandma pointed out he was a spitting image of my cousin. I realized she was right, and that I may as well be attracted to my own cousin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 875

You deserved it 3 816

By bad_day_in_hell - 17/11/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I woke up to a phone call from my boss' wife. She demanded to know how long we'd been sleeping together. When I denied her allegations, she screamed that she knew all about my "history of sleeping with married men". I'm a virgin and I have to work with him tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 923

You deserved it 2 137

Chill the fuck out, Todd

By itsdezzz - 09/03/2016 23:43 - United States - Hatfield

Today, I noticed a customer looking for expired products in hopes of receiving a coupon from my store. I told them to let me know if they found anything. They promptly began following me around, telling me how to do my job, only to later file a complaint saying that I was harassing them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 419

You deserved it 1 347

By blah - 01/02/2010 06:43 - France

Today, it's officially been two weeks since I found out I have mono. It's also been two weeks since anyone has visited me, called me, or even emailed me. The real kicker? I'm now fired from my job because they can't believe I can have mono twice in one year. I guess I'm just lucky that way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 177

You deserved it 3 713

By Katrina - 13/02/2011 22:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was busily having fun with my girlfriend, when suddenly the bedroom door opened and a man walked in, picked me up, and threw me outside the apartment. I was naked and didn't even know she was into men, much less had a husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 439

You deserved it 9 512

By Monkeyspank - 26/01/2017 22:00

Today, my sister decided that it would be a great idea to give my almost two-year-old son some strong black coffee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 750

You deserved it 621

Great birthday

By Anonymous - 11/10/2021 23:00 - United States - Cicero

Today, I bought my boyfriend two concert tickets for his birthday to see our favorite band, and he told me he doesn't feel he loves me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 832

You deserved it 67

By Sean - 09/10/2010 20:54 - United States

Today, I got a zero on my math test. My teacher was convinced that I had written the answers on my arm. No answers, just really thick, black arm hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 441

You deserved it 3 318

By CaoiiBieber - 17/07/2011 19:15 - Ireland

Spicy

Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 198

You deserved it 38 769

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Sunday 1 February 2015 0:13

once you get older, scientific and graphing calculators don't allow you to do this :(

colton_colton 49

Sunday 1 February 2015 0:13

He's the future of this world

Comments

XBurytheCastleX 25

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Sunday 1 February 2015 0:10

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Sunday 1 February 2015 0:13

once you get older, scientific and graphing calculators don't allow you to do this :(

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Sunday 1 February 2015 0:17

actually, I take that back, you can literally type boobies on a graphing calculator

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Sunday 1 February 2015 0:22

Yay

DraconicFeline 31

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Sunday 1 February 2015 0:48

Yeah, but where's the fun in that?

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Sunday 1 February 2015 6:34

yeah upside down boobies are the best

TigranPetrosian 8

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Tuesday 3 February 2015 5:43

you can use hexadecimal

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Thursday 23 February 2017 13:53

Most graphing calculators have a letter mode which allows you to write whatever your heart desires. OP should just get their son a Ti-83

colton_colton 49

Sunday 1 February 2015 0:13

He's the future of this world

HyunnK 18

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Sunday 1 February 2015 2:32

Making it possible to spell COCK on a calculator upside down.

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Sunday 1 February 2015 0:15

next generation genius

Driving_Gaming 22

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Sunday 1 February 2015 0:16

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Sunday 1 February 2015 0:16

Question is how old is he...?

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Sunday 1 February 2015 0:19

why would you show him to spell it in the first place

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Sunday 1 February 2015 16:49

Because he's a good father

tzemmy 25

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Sunday 1 February 2015 20:00

#39 what the FUCK is your profile picture??

tykatdesigns 13

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Sunday 1 February 2015 0:24

Well honey you started it

HeWillBeLoved105 22

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Sunday 1 February 2015 0:31

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Sunday 1 February 2015 1:24

OP wasn't serious, parents say things like that. Mine said they would sell me online or return me to the hospital, I laughed at that. I didn't find it offensive.

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Sunday 1 February 2015 1:46

Hell, I've been telling my daughter for years that the only reason I had her was to fetch and carry for me. Parents say shit like this all the time. I'm kidding, she knows I'm kidding, it's a family joke. Nothing to get butt hurt over.

HeWillBeLoved105 22

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Sunday 1 February 2015 2:06

Clearly you guys can't take a joke either, because I wasn't being serious? My family would always tell me that shit.

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Sunday 1 February 2015 2:33

Well, I've read your comments on almost every FML. You're not exactly one of the most supportive people on here.

shutupshane12 12

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Sunday 1 February 2015 3:45

Bad attempt at recovery #19

HeWillBeLoved105 22

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Sunday 1 February 2015 3:52

I'm actually pretty supportive. I just don't support morons, creeper.

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Sunday 1 February 2015 7:01

Olympic Backpedal FTW 19!!

Johnnycake23 42

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Sunday 1 February 2015 0:39

Maybe he was trying to type it out to start his outing to you

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 216

You deserved it 29

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 114

You deserved it 274